Fic: "Convergence" by kyrdwyn (R, Sheppard/Beckett)
Title: Convergence
Author: kyrdwyn
Rating: R
Author's Website: http://www.geocities.com/toxicrev/index.html
Archive: Wraithbait and Area 52. Others please ask first.
Pairing: Sheppard/Beckett
Spoilers: Conversion, Instinct, Intruder
Beta: rosewildeirish looked it over for me, and kageygirl laughed when I told her I felt compelled to write it. Remaining mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: So not mine. Most of the dialog taken directly from the episode, so all hail Martin Gero and Robert C. Cooper for that. :)
Feedback: Please?
Summary: Conversion and afterward from Beckett's point of view.
"You're welcome to look over my shoulder," Carson invited.
"That's tempting, but . . . " If he did, Carson would never get any work done, and they both knew it.
"Just go about your day." John left, and Carson couldn't resist watching him leave before going back to work.
"It looks like you've been infected with the Iratus bug retrovirus. The one we were working on to turn Ellia into a human."
That drug was never supposed to have been tested - not on Ellia or anyone else. It definitely wasn't supposed to have been transferred from Ellia to John.
"I'm not blaming you, Doc," John said.
Of all the people for the mutated Ellia to try to feed from, she had to pick the one person from Atlantis who had been exposed to the Iratus bug.
Carson's lover.
Granted, no one knew that John and Carson had been lovers since the trip back to Earth. The rumors amongst the newest staff additions had John paired up with either Elizabeth or Rodney, with Teyla running a close third. John had laughed at the last one. She was pretty, he told Carson, but she wasn't a smart, sexy Scottish doctor. As for Elizabeth and Rodney, they were close friends, but no one he'd want to be in a relationship with.
Still, Carson sometimes wondered if John would prefer to be in a relationship with someone that he didn't have to hide - like Elizabeth or Teyla. Someone whose research wasn't responsible for John's current condition.
Which was why he was babbling now about the drug, about it not being tested. John was smiling, forgiving, telling him to let it go, but he couldn't. Because it was his fault.
"You should talk to him. He's hiding it very well, but if I was him, I'd be scared to death."
Carson *was* scared to death. Scared of losing John. But he couldn't let himself think of that. They only had days to find a cure. Carson wasn't going to give up.
Yet he couldn't be the one to talk to John, because he knew he would be a terrible liar. Worse than Elizabeth, and it sounded like she was horrible in this situation.
Not to mention, if John was only going to be lucid for so long, Carson wasn't sure he'd be able to resist just holding him, wanting to soak up the warmth and vitality that was John Sheppard before John was gone.
But that would be admitting defeat, and he wasn't at that point yet.
So he worked.
He sat in Elizabeth's office, recounting the mission, feeling absolutely defeated. It hadn't worked. They hadn't gotten the eggs. Ergo, no stem cells. Without those, no cure. Without the cure, no John.
"Okay. I'll tell him."
Even as Elizabeth left, Carson wanted to scream at her that John was his lover, he should be the one to tell John the plan had failed, and that Walker and Stevens had died for nothing.
Tell him that Carson was sorry for not being able to save him this time. That he was sorry he'd never be able to hold him again.
But instead he went back to his own quarters and took a shower to wash the smell of the cave and failure from his skin. If some of the water on his face was warmer than the rest of the spray, well, he was the only one who would know.
"I've put him in a medically induced coma for now. I was afraid he might break through the restraints."
After John had attacked Elizabeth and taken out the security detail guarding his room and the team sent to find him, Carson didn’t want to take any chances. Ronon had used the stun setting on John, but given the way the retrovirus was progressing, a kill shot might be needed far sooner than Carson would have liked.
"The retrovirus has wreaked havoc on his system, and it's taking over." He fell back into clinical mode, not daring to show exactly what he felt with Caldwell standing at his shoulder.
"What does that mean?" Elizabeth turned to look at him, wanting answers. Answers he didn't want to give.
"Means if we don't find a way to stop the retrovirus in the next twenty-four hours, what is left of the John Sheppard we know will be gone."
And Carson's heart would die with him.
There had to be something, someway to get those cells or to stop the retrovirus. As the hours ticked away, Carson kept working. It was the only way to keep himself from falling apart.
He rubbed his eyes and looked at the results of his latest tests. He blinked, sitting up straighter in his chair. There might be a way to get the stem cells. He double checked his results before reaching for his radio.
"Dr. Weir, I need to speak to you immediately."
"What is it?" She sounded resigned, expecting bad news.
"Meet me in your office; I think I have an idea." He knew there was probably an undercurrent of excitement in his voice. Maybe even a bit of hope.
"But won't giving him that much inhibitor like --"
"Kill him?" Carson interrupted Rodney. "Yes, it's a definite possibility. Even if I knew it would for certain, I'd be tempted to offer him one last hour of lucidity."
John deserved the chance to decide for himself if going back to the cave to get the eggs was worth it. He was the only one who would be able to get them now. Even if he decided against the mission, Carson felt he deserved the chance to say goodbye to his friends while he could.
"Do it." Elizabeth said. She turned to Rodney and Teyla to order them to gear up, and Carson waited impatiently. He wanted to get back to the infirmary.
He needed to hear John's voice again, even if it would be for the last time.
"Did I hurt anyone?"
It hurt to hear John ask that question. It was asked in a near whisper, as if he were afraid of the answer. Carson knew that John wouldn't forgive himself if he had hurt someone, despite not being in his right mind at the time.
"No, not seriously." At least Elizabeth didn't lie to him. Carson cursed the retrovirus for taking away John's expressive hazel eyes, because he couldn't tell if John was relieved or distressed by her answer.
"Did Ronon shoot me?" John sounded more like he was asking for confirmation of that fact.
"You had it coming," Elizabeth said, trying for humor. John just turned away from her, and Carson. He finally showed some interest when she asked him how he felt about going on a mission.
Carson gave John a look before he left to gear up, but John was shrugging into the hooded robe Elizabeth had found for him. John was troubled enough by his appearance that he wanted to hide it. While the rest of the base knew what had happened to him, this was for John's peace of mind while traveling the halls.
In the gateroom, John didn't respond to Rodney's greeting. Carson reminded them of the time constraints, even as he wondered if the inhibitor was wearing off, or if John was simply trying to make the effect last longer by not speaking. It did make it difficult to determine if John understood Carson's instructions by the time they finally reached the cave.
When his watch alarm went off, signifying that an hour had passed since John had been given the inhibitor, John was still in the cave. At least, Carson hoped that it was still John in the cave, and not the Wraith-like being John was turning into.
Then John was coming out, and it was obvious the inhibitor had worn off. But Ronon was a sure shot, and John had gotten the eggs.
There was still hope.
"It's not going to happen overnight, you can bet on that. But the transformation has begun to reverse itself." It was news that Carson hadn't expected to be able to deliver less than a day before. It felt good to be able to deliver it.
"So eventually he'll be back in uniform," Caldwell said. Carson couldn't tell if the colonel was pleased or not by the news.
"Eventually." He didn't know when, but Carson would be glad when John was.
"Well done, Carson, for once again elevating medicine into an actual science," Rodney said. It was a backhanded compliment, but Carson knew it was Rodney's frustration talking. After all, John was one of Rodney's best friends, and Rodney had been helpless in this situation.
"Well, thank you, Rodney." Just because he understood Rodney's frustration didn't mean he couldn't be sarcastic in response, though.
Elizabeth and Caldwell left, and John's team elected to say for a while. Carson, knowing Elizabeth's comment about getting some sleep was a good suggestion, left the restricted area of the infirmary where John was being kept to find an empty bed in the main area and inform his staff to wake him if something changed. While sleep was a good idea, he didn't want to be too far away from his patient.
Of course, he thought with a smile as he settled onto the bed, if this were one of his mum's romance novels, he would have been able to curl up against John in the infirmary bed to wait for him to wake up. But that only happened in fiction, so Carson settled for staying as close as he could.
"I kissed Teyla."
Carson looked up from his book to see John standing inside the door to Carson's quarters, his hands in the pockets of his khakis. The sleeves of his untucked blue button down shirt were rolled up, exposing his forearms, and the lingering scar on the inside of his right arm.
"What?" Carson asked, surprised by the news.
"Before we realized I'd been infected by the virus, after Ellia tried to feed from me. We'd been sparring in the gym, and I'd managed to pin her against the wall and, well," he shrugged. "I know I wasn't exactly myself then, but kissing her was really out of character. I apologized to her, as much as she let me, but I need to apologize to you, too." John looked up at him, genuine contrition in his eyes. Eyes that Carson had been thrilled to see return to their normal hazel color.
"You weren't yourself, John," Carson said, but he still felt like he'd been sucker punched.
"No, but I'm still sorry. I don't think Teyla's quite forgiven me, despite knowing that I wasn't myself."
Carson set his book aside and stood up. "Why are you telling me about the kiss?" Carson could have happily gone on in ignorance of that kiss.
John had been operating on a more instinctual level at that point, before they'd started giving him the inhibitor to keep him lucid. The fact that John's instincts had led him to kiss Teyla, not Carson, didn't bode well for their relationship.
John met Carson's gaze calmly. "Because I feel guilty about it and need to apologize to you."
Carson sighed. "Apology accepted." He turned away and picked his book up off the bed, marking his place with a slip of paper. "Was there anything else, Colonel?"
He felt John come up behind him, but wasn’t expecting John to grab his shoulder and pull him around to face John. He definitely wasn't expecting the kiss that followed. It was rough and passionate and demanding, but underneath Carson could taste John's fear. Fear that one kiss had ended their relationship.
John pulled back from Carson, his eyes flicking over his face. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely as he let Carson go. He turned to the door and headed for it.
"Wait," Carson said. John stopped, but didn't turn around. His shoulders were slumped, expecting defeat. "I thought I'd lost you," Carson finally said. "I thought I'd lost you and it was my fault for taking that dammed drug with me."
John turned around. "How were you to know that Ellia would be so desperate to be human that she'd take that drug? That it would mutate her like that and she'd try to feed from me? You're not omniscient, Carson."
"And you weren't yourself when you kissed Teyla."
John tilted his head, and Carson wondered if he'd heard the bitterness Carson had tried to keep out of his voice. "You know, I thought about that moment a lot while I was in the infirmary. Tried to figure out why I had kissed her. I'm sure Dr. Heightmeyer could come up with some psychobabble about it, but really, I think it boiled down to 'male wins in battle, claims female as prize'. And you know, that doesn't say a lot for me that I acted on it despite being involved with someone. It really doesn't say a lot for how I viewed Teyla in that instant, considering she's the last person anyone would cast in that role."
"I'm surprised she didn't, well, assault certain parts of your anatomy," Carson said.
John winced. "So am I. I certainly deserved it. Not just for forcing my attentions on her." John looked at Carson intently. "You have every right to carry out that assault, too, for what that kiss did to you, to us."
Carson shook his head. "I'd not do that to another man."
John ran a hand through his hair. "I can't undo what happened, Carson, as much as I desperately want to. I just . . . you're too damn important to me. I don't want to lose you, but I can't force you to stay with me."
"How important?" Carson asked, cursing himself for grasping at that bit of hope.
John crossed the room to cup Carson's cheek in his palm. "Important enough that if you asked me to give up my career, I would."
Carson's eyes widened at the implication. "No, John, you can't do that."
"I would, if you asked." He was absolutely serious.
"I'm not asking," Carson said. "I'd never ask, you know that."
John nodded. "But I would, if you ever did."
Carson grabbed John's wrist in his hand. "I believe you," he said.
"So you forgive me?" John asked quietly.
"I forgive you, John." He paused. "Do you forgive me?" Carson needed to hear the words from him.
John nodded. "I forgive you."
Carson let out the breath he'd been holding, and felt a weight he hadn't realized was there lift from him.
"So, what now?' John asked.
Carson looked at him sharply, seeing the tiredness in John's face. "I think you need some more sleep."
"I don't want to go back to the infirmary," John groused.
Carson raised an eyebrow. "Who said anything about the infirmary? There's a perfectly good bed right here, and a doctor to keep an eye on you."
"Oh? Will I have some company for my nap?" John asked brightly.
"Of course." Carson smiled at John's bright and open smile, the one he'd been missing since this mess began.
"Cool," John said. "I've missed that." He pulled Carson to him in a hug. "I've missed you," he said quietly.
"I missed you, too," Carson said, before pulling away and pulling John over to the bed. They curled up together, Carson pillowing his head on John's chest, listening to the steady heartbeat.
"I know I can't say it outside this room," John said quietly, "but I love you."
Carson looked up, smiling as he saw that John was absolutely serious. "I love you, too," he said, leaning up to kiss John before laying his head back down on John's chest. John's arms tightened around him. Maybe, Carson thought as followed John into sleep, now that they'd forgiven each other for what had happened, they'd finally be able to forgive themselves.
*****~~~~~Fin~~~~~*****
Author: kyrdwyn
Rating: R
Author's Website: http://www.geocities.com/toxicrev/index.html
Archive: Wraithbait and Area 52. Others please ask first.
Pairing: Sheppard/Beckett
Spoilers: Conversion, Instinct, Intruder
Beta: rosewildeirish looked it over for me, and kageygirl laughed when I told her I felt compelled to write it. Remaining mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: So not mine. Most of the dialog taken directly from the episode, so all hail Martin Gero and Robert C. Cooper for that. :)
Feedback: Please?
Summary: Conversion and afterward from Beckett's point of view.
"You're welcome to look over my shoulder," Carson invited.
"That's tempting, but . . . " If he did, Carson would never get any work done, and they both knew it.
"Just go about your day." John left, and Carson couldn't resist watching him leave before going back to work.
"It looks like you've been infected with the Iratus bug retrovirus. The one we were working on to turn Ellia into a human."
That drug was never supposed to have been tested - not on Ellia or anyone else. It definitely wasn't supposed to have been transferred from Ellia to John.
"I'm not blaming you, Doc," John said.
Of all the people for the mutated Ellia to try to feed from, she had to pick the one person from Atlantis who had been exposed to the Iratus bug.
Carson's lover.
Granted, no one knew that John and Carson had been lovers since the trip back to Earth. The rumors amongst the newest staff additions had John paired up with either Elizabeth or Rodney, with Teyla running a close third. John had laughed at the last one. She was pretty, he told Carson, but she wasn't a smart, sexy Scottish doctor. As for Elizabeth and Rodney, they were close friends, but no one he'd want to be in a relationship with.
Still, Carson sometimes wondered if John would prefer to be in a relationship with someone that he didn't have to hide - like Elizabeth or Teyla. Someone whose research wasn't responsible for John's current condition.
Which was why he was babbling now about the drug, about it not being tested. John was smiling, forgiving, telling him to let it go, but he couldn't. Because it was his fault.
"You should talk to him. He's hiding it very well, but if I was him, I'd be scared to death."
Carson *was* scared to death. Scared of losing John. But he couldn't let himself think of that. They only had days to find a cure. Carson wasn't going to give up.
Yet he couldn't be the one to talk to John, because he knew he would be a terrible liar. Worse than Elizabeth, and it sounded like she was horrible in this situation.
Not to mention, if John was only going to be lucid for so long, Carson wasn't sure he'd be able to resist just holding him, wanting to soak up the warmth and vitality that was John Sheppard before John was gone.
But that would be admitting defeat, and he wasn't at that point yet.
So he worked.
He sat in Elizabeth's office, recounting the mission, feeling absolutely defeated. It hadn't worked. They hadn't gotten the eggs. Ergo, no stem cells. Without those, no cure. Without the cure, no John.
"Okay. I'll tell him."
Even as Elizabeth left, Carson wanted to scream at her that John was his lover, he should be the one to tell John the plan had failed, and that Walker and Stevens had died for nothing.
Tell him that Carson was sorry for not being able to save him this time. That he was sorry he'd never be able to hold him again.
But instead he went back to his own quarters and took a shower to wash the smell of the cave and failure from his skin. If some of the water on his face was warmer than the rest of the spray, well, he was the only one who would know.
"I've put him in a medically induced coma for now. I was afraid he might break through the restraints."
After John had attacked Elizabeth and taken out the security detail guarding his room and the team sent to find him, Carson didn’t want to take any chances. Ronon had used the stun setting on John, but given the way the retrovirus was progressing, a kill shot might be needed far sooner than Carson would have liked.
"The retrovirus has wreaked havoc on his system, and it's taking over." He fell back into clinical mode, not daring to show exactly what he felt with Caldwell standing at his shoulder.
"What does that mean?" Elizabeth turned to look at him, wanting answers. Answers he didn't want to give.
"Means if we don't find a way to stop the retrovirus in the next twenty-four hours, what is left of the John Sheppard we know will be gone."
And Carson's heart would die with him.
There had to be something, someway to get those cells or to stop the retrovirus. As the hours ticked away, Carson kept working. It was the only way to keep himself from falling apart.
He rubbed his eyes and looked at the results of his latest tests. He blinked, sitting up straighter in his chair. There might be a way to get the stem cells. He double checked his results before reaching for his radio.
"Dr. Weir, I need to speak to you immediately."
"What is it?" She sounded resigned, expecting bad news.
"Meet me in your office; I think I have an idea." He knew there was probably an undercurrent of excitement in his voice. Maybe even a bit of hope.
"But won't giving him that much inhibitor like --"
"Kill him?" Carson interrupted Rodney. "Yes, it's a definite possibility. Even if I knew it would for certain, I'd be tempted to offer him one last hour of lucidity."
John deserved the chance to decide for himself if going back to the cave to get the eggs was worth it. He was the only one who would be able to get them now. Even if he decided against the mission, Carson felt he deserved the chance to say goodbye to his friends while he could.
"Do it." Elizabeth said. She turned to Rodney and Teyla to order them to gear up, and Carson waited impatiently. He wanted to get back to the infirmary.
He needed to hear John's voice again, even if it would be for the last time.
"Did I hurt anyone?"
It hurt to hear John ask that question. It was asked in a near whisper, as if he were afraid of the answer. Carson knew that John wouldn't forgive himself if he had hurt someone, despite not being in his right mind at the time.
"No, not seriously." At least Elizabeth didn't lie to him. Carson cursed the retrovirus for taking away John's expressive hazel eyes, because he couldn't tell if John was relieved or distressed by her answer.
"Did Ronon shoot me?" John sounded more like he was asking for confirmation of that fact.
"You had it coming," Elizabeth said, trying for humor. John just turned away from her, and Carson. He finally showed some interest when she asked him how he felt about going on a mission.
Carson gave John a look before he left to gear up, but John was shrugging into the hooded robe Elizabeth had found for him. John was troubled enough by his appearance that he wanted to hide it. While the rest of the base knew what had happened to him, this was for John's peace of mind while traveling the halls.
In the gateroom, John didn't respond to Rodney's greeting. Carson reminded them of the time constraints, even as he wondered if the inhibitor was wearing off, or if John was simply trying to make the effect last longer by not speaking. It did make it difficult to determine if John understood Carson's instructions by the time they finally reached the cave.
When his watch alarm went off, signifying that an hour had passed since John had been given the inhibitor, John was still in the cave. At least, Carson hoped that it was still John in the cave, and not the Wraith-like being John was turning into.
Then John was coming out, and it was obvious the inhibitor had worn off. But Ronon was a sure shot, and John had gotten the eggs.
There was still hope.
"It's not going to happen overnight, you can bet on that. But the transformation has begun to reverse itself." It was news that Carson hadn't expected to be able to deliver less than a day before. It felt good to be able to deliver it.
"So eventually he'll be back in uniform," Caldwell said. Carson couldn't tell if the colonel was pleased or not by the news.
"Eventually." He didn't know when, but Carson would be glad when John was.
"Well done, Carson, for once again elevating medicine into an actual science," Rodney said. It was a backhanded compliment, but Carson knew it was Rodney's frustration talking. After all, John was one of Rodney's best friends, and Rodney had been helpless in this situation.
"Well, thank you, Rodney." Just because he understood Rodney's frustration didn't mean he couldn't be sarcastic in response, though.
Elizabeth and Caldwell left, and John's team elected to say for a while. Carson, knowing Elizabeth's comment about getting some sleep was a good suggestion, left the restricted area of the infirmary where John was being kept to find an empty bed in the main area and inform his staff to wake him if something changed. While sleep was a good idea, he didn't want to be too far away from his patient.
Of course, he thought with a smile as he settled onto the bed, if this were one of his mum's romance novels, he would have been able to curl up against John in the infirmary bed to wait for him to wake up. But that only happened in fiction, so Carson settled for staying as close as he could.
"I kissed Teyla."
Carson looked up from his book to see John standing inside the door to Carson's quarters, his hands in the pockets of his khakis. The sleeves of his untucked blue button down shirt were rolled up, exposing his forearms, and the lingering scar on the inside of his right arm.
"What?" Carson asked, surprised by the news.
"Before we realized I'd been infected by the virus, after Ellia tried to feed from me. We'd been sparring in the gym, and I'd managed to pin her against the wall and, well," he shrugged. "I know I wasn't exactly myself then, but kissing her was really out of character. I apologized to her, as much as she let me, but I need to apologize to you, too." John looked up at him, genuine contrition in his eyes. Eyes that Carson had been thrilled to see return to their normal hazel color.
"You weren't yourself, John," Carson said, but he still felt like he'd been sucker punched.
"No, but I'm still sorry. I don't think Teyla's quite forgiven me, despite knowing that I wasn't myself."
Carson set his book aside and stood up. "Why are you telling me about the kiss?" Carson could have happily gone on in ignorance of that kiss.
John had been operating on a more instinctual level at that point, before they'd started giving him the inhibitor to keep him lucid. The fact that John's instincts had led him to kiss Teyla, not Carson, didn't bode well for their relationship.
John met Carson's gaze calmly. "Because I feel guilty about it and need to apologize to you."
Carson sighed. "Apology accepted." He turned away and picked his book up off the bed, marking his place with a slip of paper. "Was there anything else, Colonel?"
He felt John come up behind him, but wasn’t expecting John to grab his shoulder and pull him around to face John. He definitely wasn't expecting the kiss that followed. It was rough and passionate and demanding, but underneath Carson could taste John's fear. Fear that one kiss had ended their relationship.
John pulled back from Carson, his eyes flicking over his face. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely as he let Carson go. He turned to the door and headed for it.
"Wait," Carson said. John stopped, but didn't turn around. His shoulders were slumped, expecting defeat. "I thought I'd lost you," Carson finally said. "I thought I'd lost you and it was my fault for taking that dammed drug with me."
John turned around. "How were you to know that Ellia would be so desperate to be human that she'd take that drug? That it would mutate her like that and she'd try to feed from me? You're not omniscient, Carson."
"And you weren't yourself when you kissed Teyla."
John tilted his head, and Carson wondered if he'd heard the bitterness Carson had tried to keep out of his voice. "You know, I thought about that moment a lot while I was in the infirmary. Tried to figure out why I had kissed her. I'm sure Dr. Heightmeyer could come up with some psychobabble about it, but really, I think it boiled down to 'male wins in battle, claims female as prize'. And you know, that doesn't say a lot for me that I acted on it despite being involved with someone. It really doesn't say a lot for how I viewed Teyla in that instant, considering she's the last person anyone would cast in that role."
"I'm surprised she didn't, well, assault certain parts of your anatomy," Carson said.
John winced. "So am I. I certainly deserved it. Not just for forcing my attentions on her." John looked at Carson intently. "You have every right to carry out that assault, too, for what that kiss did to you, to us."
Carson shook his head. "I'd not do that to another man."
John ran a hand through his hair. "I can't undo what happened, Carson, as much as I desperately want to. I just . . . you're too damn important to me. I don't want to lose you, but I can't force you to stay with me."
"How important?" Carson asked, cursing himself for grasping at that bit of hope.
John crossed the room to cup Carson's cheek in his palm. "Important enough that if you asked me to give up my career, I would."
Carson's eyes widened at the implication. "No, John, you can't do that."
"I would, if you asked." He was absolutely serious.
"I'm not asking," Carson said. "I'd never ask, you know that."
John nodded. "But I would, if you ever did."
Carson grabbed John's wrist in his hand. "I believe you," he said.
"So you forgive me?" John asked quietly.
"I forgive you, John." He paused. "Do you forgive me?" Carson needed to hear the words from him.
John nodded. "I forgive you."
Carson let out the breath he'd been holding, and felt a weight he hadn't realized was there lift from him.
"So, what now?' John asked.
Carson looked at him sharply, seeing the tiredness in John's face. "I think you need some more sleep."
"I don't want to go back to the infirmary," John groused.
Carson raised an eyebrow. "Who said anything about the infirmary? There's a perfectly good bed right here, and a doctor to keep an eye on you."
"Oh? Will I have some company for my nap?" John asked brightly.
"Of course." Carson smiled at John's bright and open smile, the one he'd been missing since this mess began.
"Cool," John said. "I've missed that." He pulled Carson to him in a hug. "I've missed you," he said quietly.
"I missed you, too," Carson said, before pulling away and pulling John over to the bed. They curled up together, Carson pillowing his head on John's chest, listening to the steady heartbeat.
"I know I can't say it outside this room," John said quietly, "but I love you."
Carson looked up, smiling as he saw that John was absolutely serious. "I love you, too," he said, leaning up to kiss John before laying his head back down on John's chest. John's arms tightened around him. Maybe, Carson thought as followed John into sleep, now that they'd forgiven each other for what had happened, they'd finally be able to forgive themselves.
*****~~~~~Fin~~~~~*****