If I Only Knew... Part 13: Reason
Title: If I Only Knew...
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: Angst, Fluff, basically everything ^^
Rating: PG-NC17
Part: 13/29 +prologue and epilogue
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya, DiexShinya
Synopsis: Even now when I look back at my life and can see all the choices I've made and all the roads I took or could have taken, I'm not sure how things ended up this way. How different everything turned out. It's not as though I'm unhappy with my life, but maybe just a bit surprised.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: Okay everyone, here it is, part 13, fuck the world, I know it’s been forever, but at least you get this lol <3<3 enjoy.
Prologue:Even Now.:. Part 1: Beginnings.:. Part 2: Meetings .:. Part 3: Chance.:. Part 4A: Fate.:. Part 4B: Fate.:. Part 5: Change.:. Part 6: Skin.:. Part 7: Reality.:. Part 8: Loss.:. Part 9: Broken.:. Part 10: Continue.:. Part 11: Gravity.:. Part 12: Feel
Part 13: Reason
in my heart, the only reason...
The days passed too fast for my liking. There was so many things that I wanted to just catch and hide away for when I needed them the most. But I had no such chance, time doesn’t allow it.
After being together with Toshiya I felt like I was complete. Every thing that I had suspected about him was proved to be true. I never felt alone anymore and even though in the days, weeks, months or even years to come, the feeling of wholeness that I felt the first time I met him wasn’t guaranteed, I was happy for being able to experience that once in my life.
I never imagined myself as a person who would be in a relationship, who would plan their life out with one person, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with Toshiya, I would do just that.
It wasn’t too long after we met Yoshiki that we were approached with numerous contracts. To me, I was never too worried about the business ends of the deals as long as I could write what I wanted and express myself in the ways I wanted. Of course I wanted to be able to support myself by making music, but what the exact figures were made little or no sense to me.
So I stood back and watched. I didn’t like not being able to do anything, but I trusted the people who managed us to do what was in our best interest.
“Kyo,” I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Toshiya standing there. “Kaoru said they’ve decided.”
I nodded and followed in down the hall. I felt like I was walking towards my doom, my fate. I was okay with that mainly because of the taller man at my side.
Kaoru stood as I entered the room and moved towards me. “Kyo, are you ready to sign?”
I looked at him and frowned. “I feel like I’m selling my soul, but…” I swallowed. “Is it good Kaoru? Tell me the truth. If it’s not right, then we don’t have to do this, I’m in no rush.”
He led me into a corner of the room. “Kyo, it’s not a perfect deal, but I doubt there will ever be a perfect one.” He sighed. “I’ve done everything I can to make this one work the way we want it, and the fact that they were willing to negotiate… well, I think this is the one.”
“I can’t say I trust them. But I trust you Kaoru, if you say this is the best one, I’ll go sign that paper over there. If you say, I’m not sure, then I won’t.” My gut was telling me it was wrong but my mind was telling me it was right. But at the same time they would flip back and forth.
I was having a hard time with this decision. One minute I would be excited, the next almost in tears, but I knew that I needed to do this, now or eventually. I wouldn’t be happy unless I had the chance to share my voice, my lyrics with people.
“Kyo,” Kaoru paused and I could see that he was thinking of what to say next. “This deal, it’ll take care of you, it will protect you, I’d say go for it.” He smiled and I could see he was tired.
I nodded and pulling out a pen from my coat and moved across the room and signed the paper underneath everyone else’s signatures.
I breathed out in relief and nervousness. I felt Toshiya wrap his arms around me from behind and I leaned into his embrace.
“Kyo, we’re signed.” He whispered in my ear and in that moment it really hit me. the whole world seemed to open up before me and come crashing down. I wasn’t used to being so torn in two anymore.
That night some executives took us out to dinner but I could care less. I didn’t want to celebrate with people I barely knew, which people who hadn’t been there, who would be there, for all the challenges or good times. I hated that sort of superficial happiness that they expressed for us. I knew that for them, we were just money makers, and I hated to think of myself as that.
But as the five of us walked back to our hotel that night, I realized that none if it matter because at the end of the day, I had found the people I was supposed to, the people who were my family now.
Things didn’t change right away, and for the next week and a bit we did what we always did. I woke up next to Toshiya and anytime that happened it always a good day. I think it was a Wednesday when I noticed that we were no longer just Dir en grey but Dir en grey.
Toshiya woke me up and practically dragged me out of the hotel room before I had a chance to finish getting dressed. We had been staying in Tokyo in order to finish setting up the contract, and all five of us were ushered into a car that took us to a hair salon.
“I can’t believe we get professional hairstyles!” Toshiya giggled as they applied colour to his hair.
“Neither can I.” I smiled at him trying to figure out how exactly we had gotten from cutting our hair in the bathroom to sitting in the salon. I knew, but maybe the problem was I didn’t entirely believe it.
It made me happy to see him happy and I think that’s what matter most of all. Yet through all the excitement I just wanted to go home to our apartment in Osaka. I wanted to be able to hold his hand like a normal person but I had begun to realize that it would never be that way.
We weren’t mean to have that normal kind of relationship, we weren’t allowed to, and I don’t think either of us knew how to.
I didn’t hide anything from Toshiya and he was the only person that I was open with when he asked something. He always hesitant to ask but I would always answer.
The truth was by the time we got back home I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was doing anymore. I had never had so many people telling me where to be, what to do.
“Kyo, are you okay?” He asked coming up behind me as I watched our equipment be packed up to move to another practice space.
“I…” I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea.”
“I thought you wanted this.”
“I do, I just didn’t want this.” I swallowed. “I don’t want to be someone that people wait hand and foot one just because they think they have to.”
“You’re not.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re Kyo. Just fuck them and do it your way.”
I smiled at him as he moved to help carrying his basses out. I knew then that I needed him, not only did he keep me grounded but he was always there to remind me of who I was. I had known I needed him before but not like then.
I was able to move past everything and get back into the music as soon as we started doing live shows again. I always found that during lives I was free. It didn’t matter the song or the lyrics because I found that’s where I could bare my heart and soul.
“Guys, we’re recording an album.” Kaoru was smiling but inside my heart stopped.
“An album? Like…a whole album?” Shinya stared and the guitarist nodded.
“We start in like two weeks as soon as the tour is over. So I guess we should start writing now.”
I could tell he was excited but I was scared. So scared in fact that I didn’t write a word for the next two weeks and even when I was sitting next to everyone in the studio I still didn’t know what to do.
I had the music in front of me but could not find it in myself to put a voice to it.
“Kyo, we’re going to start recording vocals soon, are your lyrics done?” Kaoru asked as he watched Die go through his guitar part one more time.
“Uh… yes.” I nodded and ran my fingers across the front of my empty notebook.
“Great, well I guess we’ll start tomorrow!”
I nodded after him before quickly moving outside to smoke.
“You haven’t written a single word have you?”
I jumped at the voice next to me and saw Shinya leaning out the door. “Have so.”
“Toshiya said he hasn’t seen you write at all at night.”
“It’s done.” I was still trying to lie but after knowing me for years, the drummer knew better.
“Where is it?” He asked raising an eyebrow.
“In my notebook.” I didn’t look at him but instead raised my cigarette to my lips.
“This notebook.” I turned and went to grab for it but instead he turned and opened it to flip through the empty pages. “You haven’t written anything.”
“No.”
“Why not Kyo, what’s wrong?” He moved outside so that we wouldn’t be over heard.
“I don’t know what to write.” I confessed.
“What did you write before?” He asked patiently.
“What I felt, what I imagined, what I thought people might feel.”
“What’s different now?”
“I don’t know. Nothing. Everything.”
He laughed. “You’re happy now?”
I turned and glared. “Fuck you.” I couldn’t help but smile though. “He’s changed things… but I haven’t changed. I still… I still bleed the same.”
“Then… remember what it was like before. Imagine what it would be like now, or if he wasn’t here. Or what it would be like if he was gone.” He smiled at me and I shook my head.
“Thanks Shin.” I looked up at him and shook my head. “I think I can probably manage something.”
“Writer’s block?” We both turned and stared.
“Yo-Yoshiki-san?” Shinya practically cried. “Wh-what are you doing here?”
“Kaoru didn’t tell you, I’m helping produce a few track.”
Shinya grabbed onto my arm. “You are?”
“Yes. Is he inside?” We both nodded dumbly and he smiled as he went to move past us. “By the way Kyo, the easiest way to get past the new album block is to just let go.” He opened the door. “See you inside.”
“Yoshiki is here Kyo! Yoshiki! He’s producing us. Oh my god. Oh shit! I left one of my drums out of tune! Yoshiki!” He was shaking me and inside I heard a scream.
I laughed recognizing it before leaning against the wall. “Five… four…three…” Shinya had stopped shaking me and was giving me a puzzled looked. I just smirked at him. “Two…one.”
“Kyo! You’ll never guess who I just ran into in the hall!” The door swung open and a pinked face man of my dreams came out.
“Do you actually want me to guess?”
“Yes!” The bassist threw his hand in the air and stared at me.
“Ok… um…the Easter Bunny?”
“No.”
“Santa Clause?”
“What? No!”
“Oh! I know! The boogey man?”
Toshiya slapped him lightly across the head. “No, you idiot. Yoshiki”
“No way!” I laughed.
“You knew! You’re no fun!” He began to pout so I pulled him towards me.
“I’m standing right by the door sweet heart. I saw him walk in.” He hit my chest but didn’t move out of my embrace.
“You could have said something.”
“You told me to guess!” I stuck my tongue out and then he kissed me. I smiled against his lips. “Do you think Kaoru would notice if we snuck away for a few minutes?” He giggled and shook his head.
“Uh, you guys. I’m still here.” Shinya was still standing with his hands on his hips a few feet away. “Don’t need to know about your sex lives.”
“Everyone does!” Toshiya winked at me. “You see Shinya, when a man loves a woman, or when a man loves a man, they have sex.” The drummer’s eyes widened as Toshiya linked arms with him and guided him back inside. “First off, when you’re with another man, you have to be very careful about…”
There voices trailed off and I looked down to see where Shinya left my notebook on the ground beside me. I picked it up and after looking around walked across the street to the restaurant. I found a table where I could see the studio and began to write.
The melodies that had been played for me repeated themselves over and over again in my head and before I knew it, it was dark out and my phone was ringing.
“Hel-”
“Where the hell are you?” Kaoru screamed into my ear.
“Where are you?” I shot back trying not to laugh.
“Outside looking for you. Where are you?”
“Look across the street.”
“Huh where…”
“That little restaurant.” I began to wave as I noticed his eyes searching. I saw him flip me off before slamming his phone shut and running across the street.
“You fucker.” He breathed as he sat down next to me. “I’ve got like a man hunt going on for you.”
“You could have just called.” I smiled and took a sip of my drink.
“You could have told us you were leaving.” I shrugged. “What are you doing here anyways?”
“Writing.”
“Writing what?”
“The lyrics to the album!” I rolled my eyes.
“You said those were done!” He jumped up and I quickly pulled him back down.
“For the most part they are now. I’ll have to play around with a few things but they’ll be ready.”
“For tomorrow?” He questioned trying to look over my paper.
“Give me another day.” I smiled.
“Fine.” He frowned as I closed the book. “You’re a jerk you know.”
“I know.” I laughed. “You’re an asshole.”
“Shut up and get back over to the studio. You precious little bassist is freaking out.” He tried to glare but couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from rising slightly.
“I can imagine. Long day?” I asked as we wandered back over after I paid for my drinks.
“It took me almost two hours to convince Shinya to even sit at his drum kit he was so nervous.” He shook his head. “It’s unbelievable isn’t it?”
“Yeah, sometimes I worry this is one big dream I’m going to wake up from.” I nodded and lit up a smoke before stepping back inside.
“I know what you mean. I used to stay awake all night wanting this and now I stay awake all night because I have this. It’s never ending you know.” He laughed. “I couldn’t play my guitar for almost two days just because I didn’t even know what to play. But then I realized that just because we’re signed now, doesn’t mean that we’re not the same people as before.”
“I realized that too today.” I said after the guitarist’s thoughts seemed to trail away. “Just because we have people looking out for us, it doesn’t change that there are people looking up to us. Our fans haven’t changed, and our message hasn’t changed. And there was no way in hell I was going to write for anyone except myself.” I grinned. “Fuck them.”
He laughed. “Yeah, fuck them.”
“I realized that still only the five of us, and no matter where we go and what we do, it will always be just us. That’s all I ever wanted.” I looked down.
“That’s all I ever wanted to. To be able to just play. To be surrounded by people I trust and love. I don’t care the size of arenas or how many albums we sell. I’m a fucking guitarist, I just want to play.”
I shook my head and looked out at the night. “I just want to sing. I don’t care if no one else understands you know, as long as they listen and think.” I licked my lips. “Let’s go back inside.”
He nodded and we went back to work. I realized that he hadn’t been lying and it took a good twenty minutes for him to get everybody tracked down from their quest to find me.
That night, I lay awake with Toshiya in my arms and stared at the ceiling.
“Are you okay now?”
I looked down and noticed that he was looking at me. “Yeah. I think I am.”
“I wanted to say something to you, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what to tell you when I was confused as well.” He moved closer to me.
“You didn’t have to say anything. Just having you at my side was enough.” I smiled and began to play with his hair. “You see Toshiya, I realized through all this that you’re my reason.” I looked down and met his eyes. “If we do all this, and fail, or if it’s too hard, none of that matters because we tried. We tried and we did it together. As long as we give it everything we have and don’t hold back, then who cares what happens. I think that as long as I can walk away still holding your hand, then all of this, all the pain, all the happiness, all the confusion and just pure chaos would have been worth something.” I paused and in the dark I could see silent tears falling from his eyes. “You my reason for everything Toshiya. When I don’t have myself to push forward and fall back on, there’s always you. I feel like I can do anything because you’re standing by my side and in my heart. I have a reason to push on, even if there’s no guarantee, even if there is nothing to look forward to because I want to for you.”
“I feel that way too, even if I can’t find words to say it as beautifully as you can.” He smiled laughed lightly even though I could still see moisture on his cheeks.
“I need to live and write and sing for me, but behind that all, it’s you. I can’t put you first, not because I don’t want to, but it’s just not me. But Toshiya… please know that you are everything to me.” I leaned down and kissed him gently before wiping his tears away. “Now get some sleep.”
“Only if you’re going to sleep with me.” He pouted and I wrapped my arms around him tighter.
“Of course.” I closed my eyes and I felt his fingers make a trail down my cheek. I let myself drift off with him, because he was only person that I felt truly deserved my dreams.
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: Angst, Fluff, basically everything ^^
Rating: PG-NC17
Part: 13/29 +prologue and epilogue
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya, DiexShinya
Synopsis: Even now when I look back at my life and can see all the choices I've made and all the roads I took or could have taken, I'm not sure how things ended up this way. How different everything turned out. It's not as though I'm unhappy with my life, but maybe just a bit surprised.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: Okay everyone, here it is, part 13, fuck the world, I know it’s been forever, but at least you get this lol <3<3 enjoy.
Prologue:Even Now.:. Part 1: Beginnings.:. Part 2: Meetings .:. Part 3: Chance.:. Part 4A: Fate.:. Part 4B: Fate.:. Part 5: Change.:. Part 6: Skin.:. Part 7: Reality.:. Part 8: Loss.:. Part 9: Broken.:. Part 10: Continue.:. Part 11: Gravity.:. Part 12: Feel
Part 13: Reason
in my heart, the only reason...
The days passed too fast for my liking. There was so many things that I wanted to just catch and hide away for when I needed them the most. But I had no such chance, time doesn’t allow it.
After being together with Toshiya I felt like I was complete. Every thing that I had suspected about him was proved to be true. I never felt alone anymore and even though in the days, weeks, months or even years to come, the feeling of wholeness that I felt the first time I met him wasn’t guaranteed, I was happy for being able to experience that once in my life.
I never imagined myself as a person who would be in a relationship, who would plan their life out with one person, but in the back of my mind, whenever I was with Toshiya, I would do just that.
It wasn’t too long after we met Yoshiki that we were approached with numerous contracts. To me, I was never too worried about the business ends of the deals as long as I could write what I wanted and express myself in the ways I wanted. Of course I wanted to be able to support myself by making music, but what the exact figures were made little or no sense to me.
So I stood back and watched. I didn’t like not being able to do anything, but I trusted the people who managed us to do what was in our best interest.
“Kyo,” I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Toshiya standing there. “Kaoru said they’ve decided.”
I nodded and followed in down the hall. I felt like I was walking towards my doom, my fate. I was okay with that mainly because of the taller man at my side.
Kaoru stood as I entered the room and moved towards me. “Kyo, are you ready to sign?”
I looked at him and frowned. “I feel like I’m selling my soul, but…” I swallowed. “Is it good Kaoru? Tell me the truth. If it’s not right, then we don’t have to do this, I’m in no rush.”
He led me into a corner of the room. “Kyo, it’s not a perfect deal, but I doubt there will ever be a perfect one.” He sighed. “I’ve done everything I can to make this one work the way we want it, and the fact that they were willing to negotiate… well, I think this is the one.”
“I can’t say I trust them. But I trust you Kaoru, if you say this is the best one, I’ll go sign that paper over there. If you say, I’m not sure, then I won’t.” My gut was telling me it was wrong but my mind was telling me it was right. But at the same time they would flip back and forth.
I was having a hard time with this decision. One minute I would be excited, the next almost in tears, but I knew that I needed to do this, now or eventually. I wouldn’t be happy unless I had the chance to share my voice, my lyrics with people.
“Kyo,” Kaoru paused and I could see that he was thinking of what to say next. “This deal, it’ll take care of you, it will protect you, I’d say go for it.” He smiled and I could see he was tired.
I nodded and pulling out a pen from my coat and moved across the room and signed the paper underneath everyone else’s signatures.
I breathed out in relief and nervousness. I felt Toshiya wrap his arms around me from behind and I leaned into his embrace.
“Kyo, we’re signed.” He whispered in my ear and in that moment it really hit me. the whole world seemed to open up before me and come crashing down. I wasn’t used to being so torn in two anymore.
That night some executives took us out to dinner but I could care less. I didn’t want to celebrate with people I barely knew, which people who hadn’t been there, who would be there, for all the challenges or good times. I hated that sort of superficial happiness that they expressed for us. I knew that for them, we were just money makers, and I hated to think of myself as that.
But as the five of us walked back to our hotel that night, I realized that none if it matter because at the end of the day, I had found the people I was supposed to, the people who were my family now.
Things didn’t change right away, and for the next week and a bit we did what we always did. I woke up next to Toshiya and anytime that happened it always a good day. I think it was a Wednesday when I noticed that we were no longer just Dir en grey but Dir en grey.
Toshiya woke me up and practically dragged me out of the hotel room before I had a chance to finish getting dressed. We had been staying in Tokyo in order to finish setting up the contract, and all five of us were ushered into a car that took us to a hair salon.
“I can’t believe we get professional hairstyles!” Toshiya giggled as they applied colour to his hair.
“Neither can I.” I smiled at him trying to figure out how exactly we had gotten from cutting our hair in the bathroom to sitting in the salon. I knew, but maybe the problem was I didn’t entirely believe it.
It made me happy to see him happy and I think that’s what matter most of all. Yet through all the excitement I just wanted to go home to our apartment in Osaka. I wanted to be able to hold his hand like a normal person but I had begun to realize that it would never be that way.
We weren’t mean to have that normal kind of relationship, we weren’t allowed to, and I don’t think either of us knew how to.
I didn’t hide anything from Toshiya and he was the only person that I was open with when he asked something. He always hesitant to ask but I would always answer.
The truth was by the time we got back home I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was doing anymore. I had never had so many people telling me where to be, what to do.
“Kyo, are you okay?” He asked coming up behind me as I watched our equipment be packed up to move to another practice space.
“I…” I shook my head. “I have no fucking idea.”
“I thought you wanted this.”
“I do, I just didn’t want this.” I swallowed. “I don’t want to be someone that people wait hand and foot one just because they think they have to.”
“You’re not.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re Kyo. Just fuck them and do it your way.”
I smiled at him as he moved to help carrying his basses out. I knew then that I needed him, not only did he keep me grounded but he was always there to remind me of who I was. I had known I needed him before but not like then.
I was able to move past everything and get back into the music as soon as we started doing live shows again. I always found that during lives I was free. It didn’t matter the song or the lyrics because I found that’s where I could bare my heart and soul.
“Guys, we’re recording an album.” Kaoru was smiling but inside my heart stopped.
“An album? Like…a whole album?” Shinya stared and the guitarist nodded.
“We start in like two weeks as soon as the tour is over. So I guess we should start writing now.”
I could tell he was excited but I was scared. So scared in fact that I didn’t write a word for the next two weeks and even when I was sitting next to everyone in the studio I still didn’t know what to do.
I had the music in front of me but could not find it in myself to put a voice to it.
“Kyo, we’re going to start recording vocals soon, are your lyrics done?” Kaoru asked as he watched Die go through his guitar part one more time.
“Uh… yes.” I nodded and ran my fingers across the front of my empty notebook.
“Great, well I guess we’ll start tomorrow!”
I nodded after him before quickly moving outside to smoke.
“You haven’t written a single word have you?”
I jumped at the voice next to me and saw Shinya leaning out the door. “Have so.”
“Toshiya said he hasn’t seen you write at all at night.”
“It’s done.” I was still trying to lie but after knowing me for years, the drummer knew better.
“Where is it?” He asked raising an eyebrow.
“In my notebook.” I didn’t look at him but instead raised my cigarette to my lips.
“This notebook.” I turned and went to grab for it but instead he turned and opened it to flip through the empty pages. “You haven’t written anything.”
“No.”
“Why not Kyo, what’s wrong?” He moved outside so that we wouldn’t be over heard.
“I don’t know what to write.” I confessed.
“What did you write before?” He asked patiently.
“What I felt, what I imagined, what I thought people might feel.”
“What’s different now?”
“I don’t know. Nothing. Everything.”
He laughed. “You’re happy now?”
I turned and glared. “Fuck you.” I couldn’t help but smile though. “He’s changed things… but I haven’t changed. I still… I still bleed the same.”
“Then… remember what it was like before. Imagine what it would be like now, or if he wasn’t here. Or what it would be like if he was gone.” He smiled at me and I shook my head.
“Thanks Shin.” I looked up at him and shook my head. “I think I can probably manage something.”
“Writer’s block?” We both turned and stared.
“Yo-Yoshiki-san?” Shinya practically cried. “Wh-what are you doing here?”
“Kaoru didn’t tell you, I’m helping produce a few track.”
Shinya grabbed onto my arm. “You are?”
“Yes. Is he inside?” We both nodded dumbly and he smiled as he went to move past us. “By the way Kyo, the easiest way to get past the new album block is to just let go.” He opened the door. “See you inside.”
“Yoshiki is here Kyo! Yoshiki! He’s producing us. Oh my god. Oh shit! I left one of my drums out of tune! Yoshiki!” He was shaking me and inside I heard a scream.
I laughed recognizing it before leaning against the wall. “Five… four…three…” Shinya had stopped shaking me and was giving me a puzzled looked. I just smirked at him. “Two…one.”
“Kyo! You’ll never guess who I just ran into in the hall!” The door swung open and a pinked face man of my dreams came out.
“Do you actually want me to guess?”
“Yes!” The bassist threw his hand in the air and stared at me.
“Ok… um…the Easter Bunny?”
“No.”
“Santa Clause?”
“What? No!”
“Oh! I know! The boogey man?”
Toshiya slapped him lightly across the head. “No, you idiot. Yoshiki”
“No way!” I laughed.
“You knew! You’re no fun!” He began to pout so I pulled him towards me.
“I’m standing right by the door sweet heart. I saw him walk in.” He hit my chest but didn’t move out of my embrace.
“You could have said something.”
“You told me to guess!” I stuck my tongue out and then he kissed me. I smiled against his lips. “Do you think Kaoru would notice if we snuck away for a few minutes?” He giggled and shook his head.
“Uh, you guys. I’m still here.” Shinya was still standing with his hands on his hips a few feet away. “Don’t need to know about your sex lives.”
“Everyone does!” Toshiya winked at me. “You see Shinya, when a man loves a woman, or when a man loves a man, they have sex.” The drummer’s eyes widened as Toshiya linked arms with him and guided him back inside. “First off, when you’re with another man, you have to be very careful about…”
There voices trailed off and I looked down to see where Shinya left my notebook on the ground beside me. I picked it up and after looking around walked across the street to the restaurant. I found a table where I could see the studio and began to write.
The melodies that had been played for me repeated themselves over and over again in my head and before I knew it, it was dark out and my phone was ringing.
“Hel-”
“Where the hell are you?” Kaoru screamed into my ear.
“Where are you?” I shot back trying not to laugh.
“Outside looking for you. Where are you?”
“Look across the street.”
“Huh where…”
“That little restaurant.” I began to wave as I noticed his eyes searching. I saw him flip me off before slamming his phone shut and running across the street.
“You fucker.” He breathed as he sat down next to me. “I’ve got like a man hunt going on for you.”
“You could have just called.” I smiled and took a sip of my drink.
“You could have told us you were leaving.” I shrugged. “What are you doing here anyways?”
“Writing.”
“Writing what?”
“The lyrics to the album!” I rolled my eyes.
“You said those were done!” He jumped up and I quickly pulled him back down.
“For the most part they are now. I’ll have to play around with a few things but they’ll be ready.”
“For tomorrow?” He questioned trying to look over my paper.
“Give me another day.” I smiled.
“Fine.” He frowned as I closed the book. “You’re a jerk you know.”
“I know.” I laughed. “You’re an asshole.”
“Shut up and get back over to the studio. You precious little bassist is freaking out.” He tried to glare but couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from rising slightly.
“I can imagine. Long day?” I asked as we wandered back over after I paid for my drinks.
“It took me almost two hours to convince Shinya to even sit at his drum kit he was so nervous.” He shook his head. “It’s unbelievable isn’t it?”
“Yeah, sometimes I worry this is one big dream I’m going to wake up from.” I nodded and lit up a smoke before stepping back inside.
“I know what you mean. I used to stay awake all night wanting this and now I stay awake all night because I have this. It’s never ending you know.” He laughed. “I couldn’t play my guitar for almost two days just because I didn’t even know what to play. But then I realized that just because we’re signed now, doesn’t mean that we’re not the same people as before.”
“I realized that too today.” I said after the guitarist’s thoughts seemed to trail away. “Just because we have people looking out for us, it doesn’t change that there are people looking up to us. Our fans haven’t changed, and our message hasn’t changed. And there was no way in hell I was going to write for anyone except myself.” I grinned. “Fuck them.”
He laughed. “Yeah, fuck them.”
“I realized that still only the five of us, and no matter where we go and what we do, it will always be just us. That’s all I ever wanted.” I looked down.
“That’s all I ever wanted to. To be able to just play. To be surrounded by people I trust and love. I don’t care the size of arenas or how many albums we sell. I’m a fucking guitarist, I just want to play.”
I shook my head and looked out at the night. “I just want to sing. I don’t care if no one else understands you know, as long as they listen and think.” I licked my lips. “Let’s go back inside.”
He nodded and we went back to work. I realized that he hadn’t been lying and it took a good twenty minutes for him to get everybody tracked down from their quest to find me.
That night, I lay awake with Toshiya in my arms and stared at the ceiling.
“Are you okay now?”
I looked down and noticed that he was looking at me. “Yeah. I think I am.”
“I wanted to say something to you, but I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what to tell you when I was confused as well.” He moved closer to me.
“You didn’t have to say anything. Just having you at my side was enough.” I smiled and began to play with his hair. “You see Toshiya, I realized through all this that you’re my reason.” I looked down and met his eyes. “If we do all this, and fail, or if it’s too hard, none of that matters because we tried. We tried and we did it together. As long as we give it everything we have and don’t hold back, then who cares what happens. I think that as long as I can walk away still holding your hand, then all of this, all the pain, all the happiness, all the confusion and just pure chaos would have been worth something.” I paused and in the dark I could see silent tears falling from his eyes. “You my reason for everything Toshiya. When I don’t have myself to push forward and fall back on, there’s always you. I feel like I can do anything because you’re standing by my side and in my heart. I have a reason to push on, even if there’s no guarantee, even if there is nothing to look forward to because I want to for you.”
“I feel that way too, even if I can’t find words to say it as beautifully as you can.” He smiled laughed lightly even though I could still see moisture on his cheeks.
“I need to live and write and sing for me, but behind that all, it’s you. I can’t put you first, not because I don’t want to, but it’s just not me. But Toshiya… please know that you are everything to me.” I leaned down and kissed him gently before wiping his tears away. “Now get some sleep.”
“Only if you’re going to sleep with me.” He pouted and I wrapped my arms around him tighter.
“Of course.” I closed my eyes and I felt his fingers make a trail down my cheek. I let myself drift off with him, because he was only person that I felt truly deserved my dreams.