The Happiness that Attends Disaster
Title: The Happiness that Attends Disaster
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: Angst, Fluff, OS
Warnings: Death
Rating: PG16
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya, KaoruxKyo
Synopsis: I remember the first time I met Kyo. That was years and years ago. When I was still young, when we were still young. It was in those days where time seemed to stay still, where we thought that we’d be young forever, with no worries about the future. A time where we hadn’t been hurt or broken, a time that we could still love.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: I’ve been working on this OS for a while and I really really started liking it! So I’m glad that I finally finished it, so here it is! I hope you like it! It’s written in Kaoru’s POV
The Happiness that Attends Disaster
I remember the first time I met Kyo. That was years and years ago. When I was still young, when we were still young. It was in those days where time seemed to stand still, where we thought that we’d be young forever, with no worries about the future. A time where we hadn’t been hurt or broken, a time that we could still love.
I can remember the exact moment that I saw him. He was ordering a coffee at shop on the end of my street. I went in there almost every day but it was the first time I ever saw him. I stood in line behind him and when he turned to me after receiving his order his bangs were half covering his eyes he smiled. He began to walk towards the door then he stopped and turned back around. I didn’t notice that he had done that right away but when I went to leave the shop he was hovering a little bit behind me.
“Excuse me.” He said and our eyes met. “I just moved to this part of town and I was wondering if you had time to show me where the grocery store was.”
I nodded. I didn’t have to work that day so I left the café with him and took him shopping.
Everything went from there. We grew close quickly, and soon I considered him my best friend. I introduced him to my other friends and he introduced me to his. We started our own group with the people we wanted in our lives and together we were strong enough to leave behind the ones we didn’t.
Everything was great between us, and I couldn’t ask for more, of course I wanted more. I had begun to realize that I wanted him. He was the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep and the first thing that came into my mind every morning. I didn’t tell him that though, and I wasn’t sure if he knew or not. If he did, or if he suspected it he didn’t say anything.
Slowly I was falling in love with Kyo. No, I was hurtling myself head first into love with him. It was as if I was speeding down a street not bothering to stop and figure out if I was going the right way or if this is where I wanted to go. I never stopped even though I knew that there was only one destination.
At that time though, I guess that I didn’t bother to think of the only result my feelings would have. But I guess I brought upon that inevitable outcome on myself.
I was the one who ruined my own chances without ever really realizing I was doing so.
I had been selected to through the birthday party of one of our friends, and I had invited everyone I knew. I had been so excited to introduce Kyo to all my friends that he still hadn’t met yet. He came over early to help me set up and I rambled on and on about the one friend I had from when I was a teenager who had just moved to town and would be coming that night.
I had known Kyo for almost a year and a half by this point. He smiled as I talked but he didn’t say much. I guess he was nervous but I’ll never really know.
As people started to arrive and the party started I lost track of him. When I finally found him my heart dropped. He was in the corner of a room talking to the very person that I had meant to introduce him to.
“I see you’ve met Toshiya.” I walked over to him and smiled.
He nodded and Toshiya turned to me and wrapped his arms around me.
“Kaoru! It’s so great to see you again!” He pulled away grinning and moved back closer to Kyo.
I frowned as I looked at them, something was out of place but I couldn’t seem to figure out what exactly it was. “It’s good to see you too.” I managed to say. “Well, I guess that I don’t have to introduce you two.”
Kyo’s eyes widened. “Oh! Is Toshiya-kun the friend you were telling me about?”
Toshiya giggled and I winced. “Me and Kaoru have known each other for years.”
“Oh, so that means you’re new to town. How about I show you around?” Kyo smiled and my heart broke.
“I’d like that Kyo-kun.” Toshiya practically purred.
I began to panic and forced myself to take a few deep breathes. “I…” I couldn’t believe what was happening. In all the time I had known Kyo, I hadn’t seen him take interest in anyone he met. Up to that night I was sure if he was straight, gay or bi. But the way he looked at Toshiya, I knew that I had lost my chance.
Of course as I walked away never finishing the reason of why I was leaving I realized that yes, they were perfect for each other.
I did my best not to look back towards the two of them, but I couldn’t help it and every time I did, the pieces of my heart would shatter again and again.
The party began to die and Kyo came up behind me.
“Hey Kaoru, you ok?” He asked obviously concerned.
I nodded. “Fine.” He didn’t buy it and I knew that but I still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Anything I can do?” He continued to press but I just waved my hand. “Well…I’m going to head home then. Talk to you tomorrow?”
I nodded again, no longer trusting my voice. I felt him move away and I watched as he went to the front door where Toshiya was waiting. I bit my lip as he helped the taller man into his coat.
“Where are we going?” Toshiya was beaming as Kyo opened the door for him.
“I know a good place for coffee.” Kyo put his hand on the small of Toshiya’s back and led him into the hall. The door banged closed behind them, the sound echoing in my ears.
I felt like I died right then. I was sad because I felt like I had lost Kyo, both as a friend and as…well I never had him as a lover, but I had wanted my chance.
Once everyone had left and I had cleaned and locked the door I fell to my knees in my bedroom and cried. I’m not a person who cries often, there’s maybe a handful of times that I’ve cried in my life, but I cried then. I cried because I knew that Kyo did not see me the way I saw him, I cried because he was with Toshiya, I cried because I was lost now that he wasn’t there, that he was not a reachable destination anymore.
I remember the next day when I didn’t answer his calls. I remember when he came to my door the day after that and told me that I looked like shit before forcing me into the shower and dragging me out.
The whole time we were out that day he didn’t mention Toshiya. I suspected that he was now seeing the other man, but his silence was both comforting and painful.
We talked like we always did. We even made plan for Christmas, which was just a few days away. Neither of us planned on seeing our family and we had celebrated the previous year together.
“So, I’ll come over around four then.” He seemed happy with that decision. “So have to finished your shopping?”
“Yeah, have you?” I forced myself to pretend that nothing was the matter, that I was fine, and just had a few bad days. He hadn’t pried into my mood, maybe he knew that I wouldn’t tell him, maybe he knew that it was about him.
He shook his head. “No.” I left it at that.
We spent Christmas together, just the two of us. We opened our presents and cooked dinner together. We stayed up late and watched movies almost until the sun came up. It was almost as if the party hadn’t happened. As if I hadn’t seen Kyo and Toshiya together. Almost.
Then I happened to walk in on Kyo’s conversation to him the next morning. He never saw me though, I just lingered in the door way long enough to be able to guess who he was talking to. I squeezed my eyes shut and moved away.
The first time I really saw them together was on New Years. I think he intended on hiding it from me but when I walked into his apartment he had his arm around Toshiya. He didn’t even see me come in, I understood then that all he could see was Toshiya. I stood frozen until Toshiya waved and called me over. As soon as Kyo saw me he put some space between himself and the other man. I swallowed and walked over to them. They seemed inseparable already. I don’t remember the last time I saw Kyo smile so much. I knew that he hadn’t had the best childhood and he had moved away to escape the past, but the fact that I wasn’t the one who was making him smile anymore hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was jealous, okay I was but…I loved him. If he was happy, if Toshiya made him happy, then who was I to ruin that?
Even though I had never fallen for someone before him, I was willing to step back if it meant his happiness.
“Hey Kaoru,” he sat down next to me on the couch some time later.
“Hey.” I smiled at him.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Of course.”
“You’re lying.” He said seriously. “Cheer up. It’s the start of a new year. Anything you want can happen. You’re being given another chance, a clean slate.” He threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a sort of half hug before Toshiya called him over. He moved away. I wanted to yell at him right then. I wanted to force him to tell me how I could have all I wanted when he had given that to Toshiya.
But at the same time I knew he was just trying to be there for me. He was just trying to be a good friend and help.
I had always been torn in two over Kyo, and now was no different.
When I first realized my feelings for him, I wasn’t sure if I should deny them or act on them. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him as a friend or a lover. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
I watched as he moved across the room to where Toshiya stood smiling.
Although I would have considered Toshiya my oldest friend I hated him right then. I hated how easily he had won Kyo’s heart. I wondered if it had been love at first sight or if they had even realized that they had both completely fallen for each other.
I watched how warm Kyo’s eyes turned when he looked at the other man. I could see how his body naturally relaxed.
Closer to midnight, I finally summoned up my courage or maybe I had just braced myself enough for the answer and walked up to him.
“Kyo, can I ask you something?” I motioned him away from the group of people he was talking with.
“What’s up Kao?”
“I was just wondering…” My body trembled, my voice shook. “Are you and Toshiya…” My eyes wanted to turn away but I forced myself to continue to look at him. “Together.” My heart broke.
Kyo blushed and I could see a small smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah, we are.” He paused and looked at me, concern flashed in his eyes. “Is that a problem?” That was the only signal, the only sign that I ever got that he knew of my feelings and I shook my head.
“No, I just wanted to congratulate you.”
His face turned redder and he smiled. “Thank you.” He said as though he had needed my permission all along. His eyes fell on the taller man across the crowded room. “I…” he looked down. “I don’t even know the words I want to say anymore.”
I forced a smile for his benefit and patted his back, steering him back into the party.
I watched at midnight as Kyo pulled Toshiya down and pressed their lips together, causing the other man to giggle and throw his arms around Kyo.
How I wished that I could have been the one kissing him as the clock struck twelve. I wished I could disappear.
I found out later that that kiss had been their first, as Kyo had confessed to me over coffee years later.
Yes, they continued to date and I pretended like I was all right. I watched their relationship from the sidelines. All the smiles, laughter, tears and fights. I imagined myself in their position. Imagined what my life would be like if I was with Kyo. But instead I was a silent observer to their love.
I don’t mean to make either of them sound like bad people, they’re not. Not at all. Anyone who saw them together couldn’t help but feel their love.
I knew from the second that I saw them together that Kyo would always take care of Toshiya. True, in front of me they kept their relationship subdued, but the times that I watched them when they didn’t know I was looking or saw them out in public, I just knew that things were meant to be between them.
At first when we would hang out Kyo would barely mention the other man, unless he was there as well. When he came along they would walk to my place holding hands and only break the contact when they got to my door. Even though they wouldn’t be touching, I could still feel their closeness whenever they entered the room.
I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut one afternoon that we were out for lunch. “You know…” I began already regretting what I was about to say, but knowing that I was doing it for Kyo. “You guys don’t have to…not touch when I’m around. I know that you’re…together.” I fidgeted in my seat.
Toshiya blushed and smiled faintly. Kyo nodded slowly. “Are you sure?” He asked.
“Yes.” I said. No, I thought.
“Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my arm.
I couldn’t say anything, my throat was too dry but when I saw Kyo take Toshiya’s hand underneath the table and his eyes light up, it made it all a little easier. I did want him to be happy.
I was growing use to the fact that they were dating and seeing them together didn’t make my heart break quite as much, or rather I think the pieces of it were just getting used to not being put back together.
I was okay, I really was, until Kyo called me one day to ask me if I would be willing to help Toshiya move.
“Where’s he moving?” I asked sitting down on my bed, my heart beat quickening.
“With me.” I could almost see the happiness radiating from his eyes as I spoke, telling me the story. I knew that I didn’t have any clue about their relationship. I had purposely closed it off from myself, but as Kyo talked I couldn’t help but be a bit curious.
I guessed that they had slept together by then, since they were going to be living together. I wondered what it must feel like to be with Kyo. When I picture him though, all I could see was him looking down, face filled with pleasure, but he wasn’t look at me, he was looking at Toshiya.
I agreed to helping them move and the next week I showed at Kyo’s apartment. I could hear muffled voices inside, and instantly I knew that they weren’t talking. I knocked on the door and backed away so I didn’t have to listen more then I had to. I waited patiently until Kyo came to the door, topless with his pants hanging loosely around his hips.
“Hey Kaoru, come on in.” He smiled and when he turned I could see lines of red down his back.
I swallowed hard and Toshiya walked out the bedroom pulling a shirt over his head.
“Morning Kao!” He moved towards me and hugged me. “It’s good to see you, where have you been hiding?”
It was true, I had distanced myself from my one time best friend. I was okay with spending time with Kyo, but I think I viewed Toshiya as an enemy now. I hated that I couldn’t stand being around him longer then possible, I was scared that I would hurt his feelings, that I would say something that I didn’t really mean.
“I’ve been busy.” I lied and he led me into the kitchen.
“Would you like some coffee?” He asked and then put his hand on his hips. “Kyo!”
Kyo turned and brushed his hair off his face. “What?”
“Go put on a top, I’m sure Kaoru doesn’t need to see you walking around the house half naked.” Toshiya’s eyes sparkled as Kyo set down his mug and kissed his cheek.
“It’s okay…” I forced a laugh as Kyo disappeared from the room. I wished that I could have him walking around my apartment, completely comfortable like he was right then.
“I have to get dressed sometime.” He called.
Toshiya handed me a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter. “So Kaoru, are you seeing anyone?”
“Why?” My eyebrows shot up.
“We could go on double dates! Wouldn’t that be fun Kyo?” When he noticed the blond come back, I swore his eyes lit up the room.
“Sure, but I don’t think Kaoru is the double dating type.” He said and met my eyes, a smile tugging at the right corner of his mouth.
I nodded in thanks, there were times that I almost dared to believe that Kyo knew about my feelings for him, but it was a bittersweet knowledge because if he did, he had still chosen Toshiya over me, he still loved him in such a way, I doubted that he even understood.
“You two suck.” Toshiya pouted and then glanced at the clock. “We’d better get going.”
I agreed, I was anxious to get the day over with. It was the first time in a long while that I was there to see first hand all the little touches, the kisses, the way they spoke to each other, the way they both just knew when the one of them needed someone there.
I could tell that they just worked, and after getting everything moved out of Toshiya’s old place and into Kyo’s, there wasn’t much but it still took us two trips, Toshiya excused himself to go to work.
I swear it took them five minutes to say goodbye, even though they’d only be separated for a few hours. It would have made me sick, if I didn’t see how genuine it was. How both of them seemed so want to remember the moment, to make if perfect, just in case it was their last.
After Toshiya left I could hear Kyo take a deep breath as he closed the door and joined me in the living room. “Thank you for helping us today.” He smiled and I felt the word ‘us’ drop like weight on me.
I shifted slightly on the couch and nodded. “Anytime.”
“Want to go get something to eat?” He asked. “My treat.”
I agreed and we went to a restaurant. He was quiet as we waited for our food, and swallowing my discomfort, I opened my mouth to ask him. “What’s bothering you Kyo?”
He looked up somewhat shocked. “What…how?”
“I know you.”
His eyes met mine. “You don’t want to know.” His voice was soft.
“I do.” We both knew I was lying, but he was my friend long before I fell in love with him, and through everything I still wanted to be there for him.
He breathed in deeply. “I love him you know.”
I let his words hang in the air, not really knowing what to say. “I know.”
“I don’t usually talk like this.” He laughed. “I just…sometimes it scares me how much I care about him. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him now. I mean, if he left…I just don’t know if I could…” He hung his head. “I don’t like feeling like that. I don’t want to imagine…”
“He won’t leave you Kyo.” I raised my eyes to meet his. “Trust me.”
He nodded. “I know. But…”
“I’ll always be here if you need me.” My hands trembled and I clenched them together in my lap.
“Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my arm. It was usually the only physical contact we had anymore, expect on holidays were we would still occasionally hug. His fingers left more of an imprint in my mind then on my flesh but for me the touch lingered long after.
I was jealous that Toshiya got to be touched by him all the time, that he could touch him whenever he wanted to. We left the restaurant almost with a silent understanding that things between us would never change, that his relationship with Toshiya was as solid as ever. It wasn’t as perfect as I had once imagined it to be, but I suppose that no relationship is, the point was, he said, that he felt that no matter what happened, that they could work through it.
Time passed, I don’t know exactly how much. We were young when we all met, and around that time I had begun to notice that I had lines on my face that I didn’t before. When I looked at pictures of us from parties or trips, I could see the difference the years had made.
I avoided Toshiya’s questions about relationships as much as possible, but to keep him happy I occasionally went on some dates he set up. I dated a few people here and there, but still I only wanted Kyo.
I was walking home from work one night in spring, maybe seven or eight years after I first met Kyo when my cell phone rang. I burned myself with my cigarette as I pried the phone from my pocket and cursed as I looked down at it. I smiled when I noticed it was Kyo calling.
“Hey Kyo.” I answered and there was silence on the other end. “Kyo?”
“Kaoru?” His voice was weak and upon hearing it I began to shake. “Where are you?” I looked up at the street sign and told him. “Could you come to,” he breathed, his breath shaky. “God Kaoru.”
“Kyo, what’s wrong, where are you?” I felt panicked and ran towards the train station closest to me and found my way to where the taxis were parked.
There was silence on the other end and I almost see him biting his lip and letting his head fall back until it hit the wall I suspected him to be leaning against like he had a habit of doing. When he finally spoke it was in barely a whisper and he gave me the address followed by a whimpered. “Please hurry.”
“I’m on my way.” I said and hung up quickly getting into a cab and telling him the address.
I was shocked when the place I was going to ended up being a hospital. My heart skipped a beat as I ran run the steps and into the emergency room.
I looked around and spotted Kyo sitting silently in a corner of the room starring straight ahead. My eyes widened as I noticed that his left arm his in a cast and sling, he had a scrap on the one side of his face and his clothes were ripped and bloody.
“Kyo…” I let his name slide past my lips and he looked up. I took a step back as his eyes met mine, showing no emotion.
“Kaoru.” He stood up and all but ran towards me. “Kaoru.” He said again looking up at me, then broke down.
I grabbed him and pulled him to me. I ran my fingers through his hair and he continued to sob. “Kyo what happened?” He began to shake and I held him tighter. “Kyo?” I looked around the room. “Where’s Toshiya?” I blinked a few times wondering why the other man was not there, maybe he hadn’t arrived yet.
Kyo’s legs seemed to go out and I had to make sure to hold him up. His hand that wasn’t wrapped up gripped onto my shirt and he all but completely fell apart. “…Kaoru. What do I do?” He moaned out.
“Kyo I don’t understand.” I moved slightly so I could look at him and still support him.
“He’s…gone…” His hand balled into a fist and hit my chest. “He’s…he’s…he’s…” Judging by the mess that he was I could guess what was going to come out of his mouth next. “He’s…dead.” The last word was so quiet I thought I had missed it until I realized that my arms had gone numb and I let him fall to the floor. He curled over his knees and cried. I dropped down beside him and lifted his shoulders.
“How?”
His lost eyes met mine. “We were out…and…there was a car…I held him Kaoru, I held him and I couldn’t do anything…now he’s gone. What do I do? I can’t…Kaoru…now…why?”
“I don’t know.” I said and pulled him against me. I could feel tears stinging in the corners of my own eyes. I couldn’t believe that Toshiya was gone. That I would never see him again, I wouldn’t ever hear him teasing me, or see him smiling. I hated that I had pushed him away in the last few years, and that I lost the friendship that we once had. I couldn’t imagine what Kyo was feeling right then. I just held him as he cried.
Once he finally calmed down, I brought him back to my place and by the time we got inside of my apartment, he was mostly asleep on my shoulder. I pulled off his dirty clothes and put them into a bag, in case he wanted them later and dressed him in a pair of my pajamas before tucking him into my bed.
“Kaoru…” His voice filled my ears as I shut off the lights.
“Don’t worry Kyo, we’ll get through this together.” I tried to smile and he nodded closing his eyes. I had hoped that he would sleep but in the middle of the night he made his way out to the living room, where I had been dozing on the couch, in hysterics.
“I woke up and he wasn’t there Kaoru.” He managed to choke out. “How can I wake up if he’s not there?”
I didn’t know what to say and I just held him until he fell back asleep.
I went to Toshiya’s funeral with him, and stared as he and Toshiya’s mother held each other, I had no idea that Kyo knew his family. Kyo managed to give a speech even though as the end I had to help him off the stage.
I don’t know how we both got through the first few months. Or more, I don’t know how he got the strength to go on. He moved in with me, well I insisted that he stay with me for a while, a while turned into those months, but I wasn’t going to complain. I liked having him around.
Kyo changed after that night in the hospital. I never think I realized or maybe I never wanted to realize how much depth their relationship had. When Toshiya died I think a part of Kyo died with him and as time passed I knew that it would never return.
I was sad when he finally told me he was ready to move back to his place, but he wanted me to stay there with him, to help him sort through some of Toshiya’s things, and fix up the apartment. I agreed and the next day we went there.
I don’t believe either me or Kyo knew how hard it would be for us to be there. He stayed in the guest bedroom with me the first night to sleep, and even after being there a week he still wouldn’t sleep in his own bedroom.
The second week that we stayed at his place he decided that he would try to sleep in their old bed, but for the first few night, I woke up to find him curled up on the other side of my bed with me. Then one morning I got up to find him sitting in the kitchen drinking what looked like his fifth or sixth cup of coffee. I realized that he managed to get through the night, even if he didn’t sleep much.
I don’t think I would have been as strong as him, if I had lost someone as close to me as Toshiya had been to him.
“You can go home if you like.” He smiled at me and I nodded.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay, but I think I’m just going to have to get used to that.”
I didn’t say anything but just sat down across from him. I did end up going back to my place, but I made sure to call him before I went to sleep and when I got up in the morning.
It was weird, I thought for sure the second that Toshiya was out of the picture that I would go for Kyo, but now looking at him, I knew that I could never do something like that. I didn’t want to ruin his memories of Toshiya, I didn’t want him to hurt anymore then he already was, even though I didn’t think it was possible.
More time passed, I knew that Kyo lost track of it. I think we saw each other, if not every day, then close to it. I knew that my feelings for him still hadn’t changed since we met in that café all those years ago, and even when I looked at him, and he was sometimes a stranger, I still loved him. I never doubted that.
We would go for walks at night sometimes, he said he didn’t sleep well, and I didn’t need to ask why, besides I was more then happy to spend time with him. We ended up on the roof of my building on night, looking out at the lights.
“It’s beautiful.” I said softly and he turned to me nodding.
“Yeah.” His eyes turned upwards to the sky and he blinked a few time before turning away from me. I guessed he was thinking about Toshiya, I doubted the other man ever left his thoughts. I was expecting him to continue, to say something else, there were usually gaps in our conversations, but I had become used to that.
He remained quiet though and just stood there looking out across the city. I swallowed knowing that I was running out of time to tell him. I had realized that there would never be a good time to tell him, there never had been in the past and now that everything had changed there would never be one in the future.
It had been over three years since Toshiya had died. I’m sure Kyo out of all people was painfully aware of the passage of time. But so was I. I had counted all the days that they were together and that I wasn’t with Kyo. I had counted all the minutes I missed with him. I knew that I shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I didn’t. I took a deep breath and glanced at him standing next to me.
“Kyo,” I began before pausing and brushing the hair from my eyes. “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.” I bit my lip as I waited for his reaction.
At first he made no sign of even hearing me. Then he sighed and flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette. “I know.” Was all he said before throwing the smoke off the roof and onto the street below. He didn’t look at me, and after a few minutes he turned to go back inside.
“Will you go out with me?” I yelled as he walked away.
He stopped and I could only see the side of his face. He looked old to me then. There were lines on his face and I wasn’t sure when they had gotten there. His eyes, which used to sparkle were dull and seemed to be slowly fading.
I don’t know how long we stood there, me holding my breath and him motionless against the dark night sky.
“Alright.” He said with a slight nod before disappearing.
I took him out for dinner a few days later. I picked him up and everything. I hadn’t been to his place since staying there after Toshiya died and what struck me was that it hadn’t changed at all.
I almost felt guilty waiting for him in the doorway, half expecting the other man to walk out of one of the rooms down the hall. I had to wonder if Kyo expected that as well sometimes.
It was a bit awkward at first going out with Kyo. He was quiet, almost like he wasn’t there at all. I knew that his mind was still with Toshiya.
I did my best to show him the night I always dreamed that our first date would be. Of course I knew that he hadn’t expected ever having a first date again.
Finally we were seated in the restaurant. I bit my lip nervously.
“Kyo, I don’t know if you know, but I’ve liked you for a long time.” I paused but he just continued to listen to me not moving. “Even before you met…Toshiya.”
He stayed motionless before finally nodding and looking down. “I suspected you did, but once I met Toshiya, I knew you did.”
I played with the food on my plate. I knew what I was going to ask wasn’t the sort of first date talk, but this wasn’t a typical first date. We had known each other too long and been through too much to have to worry about nerves or etiquette. Besides I told myself, it was something I had to find out.
“Did you ever…”
“Like you?” He asked his eyebrows raised. I nodded, my voice failing me. He shrugged. “I suppose that I did, but…” I watched as his eyes drifted away and I knew he was no longer seeing the world I was. I reached out and took his hand. He visibly flinched and pulled away as his eyes refocused and he blushed. “Sorry.”
I smiled as he replaced his hand on the table and allowed me to take it. “I know it’ll take time Kyo. I know that this isn’t going to be easy and it’ll be weird and…and you don’t have to worry about it okay? We’ll take things slow. We have lots of time.”
The way he looked at me then I’ll never forget. His eyes were do dead, so serious, so hopeless. “There will never be enough.” He looked away.
My breath caught in my throat even though I didn’t know what he meant with his words.
I do now though.
We continued to date though, or rather, I think it was he let me continue to take him out. He would let me hold his hand occasionally or brush the hair from his face. He would let me put my arm around his shoulders when we sat together watching T.V or movies or open doors for him.
We had been ‘dating’ for about six months when he first let me kiss him. I was dropping him off at his place after dinner one night and we were standing out side his door. After dates he would never let me into his house, I knew that it was because deep down he felt guilty for being with me and he wanted to keep what we had separated from what he had had with Toshiya.
I hugged him like I had done so many times before and he had begun to squeeze back even though it was still lightly. I began to pull away but his arms remained wrapped around me and I stopped and looked up.
“Kyo?” I questioned and he quieted me just by meeting my eyes. I could see him swallow and my eyes traveled down his face to rest on his lips.
“You can, you know, if you want.” He whispered in a voice that I had never heard before.
“Are you sure?” I could hear the complete uncertainty in his voice, I could almost hear his heart breaking, and I’m sure I would have if I wasn’t so sure that it was already in pieces.
He nodded and slowly closed his eyes as I leaned forward. He hesitated as my lips met his but eventually kissed me back lightly. I broke off quickly and ran a hand down his cheek and he smiled shakily. “Thank you for dinner.” He said looking up at me.
“Any time Kyo.” I paused and so did he. “Did you…want to come over tomorrow?”
He nodded slowly. “Okay, I’ll call you when I’m off work.” He disappeared into his apartment and I let out a shaky breath before heading home.
It was at least another year and a bit before I convinced him to move in with me. I knew that he still rented the place where he and Toshiya had lived, but he spent his days and nights with me.
He let him touch him, and we shared a bed. I could kiss him whenever I wanted to but it wasn’t like I had dreamed it would be. I always knew he was letting me do these things. The few times he kissed me or held me, I had to wonder what was going on in his head.
After the first time we were together he got up as soon as he could and locked himself in the bathroom. When I finally had the guts to go see him, I found him sobbing uncontrollably.
I wanted to hold him and comfort him, but he wouldn’t let me touch him. So I ran him a hot bath and got the shower ready for him. He let me help him bathe and he shook beneath my touch.
“It’s okay Kyo.” I whispered as I wrapped a towel around him and he nodded.
“I’m sorry…it’s just…that this was my first time with anyone…well with any man, besides…T-Toshiya.” His eyes filled with tears but he blinked them back.
I nodded and stroked his face. “It’s okay.” I said again.
“I’m just scared,” he admitted. “Because…because I realized that you don’t ever stop loving someone, you just have to learn, how to get along, how to continue to live without them…” He kicked at the ground. “I never wanted to have to learn how to live without him and now that I’m starting to realize that I have…I just…I’m just…”
“I know.” I reached out and brought him to my chest.
“Let’s just go to bed.” He mumbled sometime later and brought him to our room. For years I never thought that I’d be able to say that.
We had been together for about three years when I told him that I loved him again. I knew that it pained him that it wasn’t coming from Toshiya’s lips.
We were out for dinner. I made sure to bring him out to do something special whenever I had the chance.
“I wanted to thank you for giving me this chance Kyo.” I held his hand and smiled. “I love you.”
He smiled back at me and squeezed my fingers. “I love you too.” His voice was soft and he didn’t meet my eyes.
My heart stopped. It was the first time he had ever said that to me and I felt like I could cry. It was like all my dreams came true.
But when we got home my whole world changed, when I got out of the shower, I found Kyo crying, clutching onto the necklace he always wore, one that Toshiya had given to him.
I watched him, and didn’t let him see me. I knew then that what he had said was a lie. At first it didn’t bother me, I didn’t let myself be that shallow. I knew that maybe with time he could actually begin to love me.
But things didn’t change and as weeks, then months and years passed, every little thing he said and did began to ware on me. I watched him as he still mourned over Toshiya, and all I wanted was for him to see me the way I saw him.
We fought sometimes. I didn’t want to, I didn’t like to lose my temper with him, but there were times that I wondered if being with him was really worth it. I wondered if knowing that his heart only belonged to Toshiya, and always would was different then what I suspected to be true. It was in one of those fights, that I hated so much because they always seemed to show me things I didn’t want to see, that I let my heart break and just asked.
“You won’t let me love you will you?” I screamed and Kyo swallowed hard. “You’ll never love me, even if you say it.”
“No.” He looked down his eyes full of tears. “I can’t love anyone anymore.” He knew that he didn’t have to finish his sentence for me to know what he was talking about.
“Do you think he’d be happy to know you’re like this? That you’re so empty?” I forced myself to say those words. I forced myself to try to get him live again, to move on. Although deep down I knew that it was no use.
“I think he’d understand. I’m still here. I’m strong enough to still be here. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just I can’t love you. I can’t give you that.” I could see the tears in his eyes and I knew that he didn’t want to hurt me. “I gave my heart away a long time ago Kaoru, and even if I tried, I can’t get it back. I don’t want to get it back.” His words reinforced what I’d know since the first instant I saw him with Toshiya.
“I’ve loved you for a long time Kyo. I will always love you, even you don’t love me. But we were friend first so even if it hurts, I’ll always be here for you.” I squeezed my eyes shut and walked out of the room. I wouldn’t leave him even if he could never love me, even if we would never have a normal relationship. We were both too old now to try to start a new life over with anyone else, with a different group. It was too late for me, it was too late for him.
I loved him and although I knew what he would only ever love Toshiya, that the other man would be the only one in his heart, I would stand by his side until the end came
for us as well.
.:.My Fanfic Archive.:.jrockprompts.:.
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: Angst, Fluff, OS
Warnings: Death
Rating: PG16
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya, KaoruxKyo
Synopsis: I remember the first time I met Kyo. That was years and years ago. When I was still young, when we were still young. It was in those days where time seemed to stay still, where we thought that we’d be young forever, with no worries about the future. A time where we hadn’t been hurt or broken, a time that we could still love.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: I’ve been working on this OS for a while and I really really started liking it! So I’m glad that I finally finished it, so here it is! I hope you like it! It’s written in Kaoru’s POV
The Happiness that Attends Disaster
I remember the first time I met Kyo. That was years and years ago. When I was still young, when we were still young. It was in those days where time seemed to stand still, where we thought that we’d be young forever, with no worries about the future. A time where we hadn’t been hurt or broken, a time that we could still love.
I can remember the exact moment that I saw him. He was ordering a coffee at shop on the end of my street. I went in there almost every day but it was the first time I ever saw him. I stood in line behind him and when he turned to me after receiving his order his bangs were half covering his eyes he smiled. He began to walk towards the door then he stopped and turned back around. I didn’t notice that he had done that right away but when I went to leave the shop he was hovering a little bit behind me.
“Excuse me.” He said and our eyes met. “I just moved to this part of town and I was wondering if you had time to show me where the grocery store was.”
I nodded. I didn’t have to work that day so I left the café with him and took him shopping.
Everything went from there. We grew close quickly, and soon I considered him my best friend. I introduced him to my other friends and he introduced me to his. We started our own group with the people we wanted in our lives and together we were strong enough to leave behind the ones we didn’t.
Everything was great between us, and I couldn’t ask for more, of course I wanted more. I had begun to realize that I wanted him. He was the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep and the first thing that came into my mind every morning. I didn’t tell him that though, and I wasn’t sure if he knew or not. If he did, or if he suspected it he didn’t say anything.
Slowly I was falling in love with Kyo. No, I was hurtling myself head first into love with him. It was as if I was speeding down a street not bothering to stop and figure out if I was going the right way or if this is where I wanted to go. I never stopped even though I knew that there was only one destination.
At that time though, I guess that I didn’t bother to think of the only result my feelings would have. But I guess I brought upon that inevitable outcome on myself.
I was the one who ruined my own chances without ever really realizing I was doing so.
I had been selected to through the birthday party of one of our friends, and I had invited everyone I knew. I had been so excited to introduce Kyo to all my friends that he still hadn’t met yet. He came over early to help me set up and I rambled on and on about the one friend I had from when I was a teenager who had just moved to town and would be coming that night.
I had known Kyo for almost a year and a half by this point. He smiled as I talked but he didn’t say much. I guess he was nervous but I’ll never really know.
As people started to arrive and the party started I lost track of him. When I finally found him my heart dropped. He was in the corner of a room talking to the very person that I had meant to introduce him to.
“I see you’ve met Toshiya.” I walked over to him and smiled.
He nodded and Toshiya turned to me and wrapped his arms around me.
“Kaoru! It’s so great to see you again!” He pulled away grinning and moved back closer to Kyo.
I frowned as I looked at them, something was out of place but I couldn’t seem to figure out what exactly it was. “It’s good to see you too.” I managed to say. “Well, I guess that I don’t have to introduce you two.”
Kyo’s eyes widened. “Oh! Is Toshiya-kun the friend you were telling me about?”
Toshiya giggled and I winced. “Me and Kaoru have known each other for years.”
“Oh, so that means you’re new to town. How about I show you around?” Kyo smiled and my heart broke.
“I’d like that Kyo-kun.” Toshiya practically purred.
I began to panic and forced myself to take a few deep breathes. “I…” I couldn’t believe what was happening. In all the time I had known Kyo, I hadn’t seen him take interest in anyone he met. Up to that night I was sure if he was straight, gay or bi. But the way he looked at Toshiya, I knew that I had lost my chance.
Of course as I walked away never finishing the reason of why I was leaving I realized that yes, they were perfect for each other.
I did my best not to look back towards the two of them, but I couldn’t help it and every time I did, the pieces of my heart would shatter again and again.
The party began to die and Kyo came up behind me.
“Hey Kaoru, you ok?” He asked obviously concerned.
I nodded. “Fine.” He didn’t buy it and I knew that but I still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Anything I can do?” He continued to press but I just waved my hand. “Well…I’m going to head home then. Talk to you tomorrow?”
I nodded again, no longer trusting my voice. I felt him move away and I watched as he went to the front door where Toshiya was waiting. I bit my lip as he helped the taller man into his coat.
“Where are we going?” Toshiya was beaming as Kyo opened the door for him.
“I know a good place for coffee.” Kyo put his hand on the small of Toshiya’s back and led him into the hall. The door banged closed behind them, the sound echoing in my ears.
I felt like I died right then. I was sad because I felt like I had lost Kyo, both as a friend and as…well I never had him as a lover, but I had wanted my chance.
Once everyone had left and I had cleaned and locked the door I fell to my knees in my bedroom and cried. I’m not a person who cries often, there’s maybe a handful of times that I’ve cried in my life, but I cried then. I cried because I knew that Kyo did not see me the way I saw him, I cried because he was with Toshiya, I cried because I was lost now that he wasn’t there, that he was not a reachable destination anymore.
I remember the next day when I didn’t answer his calls. I remember when he came to my door the day after that and told me that I looked like shit before forcing me into the shower and dragging me out.
The whole time we were out that day he didn’t mention Toshiya. I suspected that he was now seeing the other man, but his silence was both comforting and painful.
We talked like we always did. We even made plan for Christmas, which was just a few days away. Neither of us planned on seeing our family and we had celebrated the previous year together.
“So, I’ll come over around four then.” He seemed happy with that decision. “So have to finished your shopping?”
“Yeah, have you?” I forced myself to pretend that nothing was the matter, that I was fine, and just had a few bad days. He hadn’t pried into my mood, maybe he knew that I wouldn’t tell him, maybe he knew that it was about him.
He shook his head. “No.” I left it at that.
We spent Christmas together, just the two of us. We opened our presents and cooked dinner together. We stayed up late and watched movies almost until the sun came up. It was almost as if the party hadn’t happened. As if I hadn’t seen Kyo and Toshiya together. Almost.
Then I happened to walk in on Kyo’s conversation to him the next morning. He never saw me though, I just lingered in the door way long enough to be able to guess who he was talking to. I squeezed my eyes shut and moved away.
The first time I really saw them together was on New Years. I think he intended on hiding it from me but when I walked into his apartment he had his arm around Toshiya. He didn’t even see me come in, I understood then that all he could see was Toshiya. I stood frozen until Toshiya waved and called me over. As soon as Kyo saw me he put some space between himself and the other man. I swallowed and walked over to them. They seemed inseparable already. I don’t remember the last time I saw Kyo smile so much. I knew that he hadn’t had the best childhood and he had moved away to escape the past, but the fact that I wasn’t the one who was making him smile anymore hurt.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was jealous, okay I was but…I loved him. If he was happy, if Toshiya made him happy, then who was I to ruin that?
Even though I had never fallen for someone before him, I was willing to step back if it meant his happiness.
“Hey Kaoru,” he sat down next to me on the couch some time later.
“Hey.” I smiled at him.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Of course.”
“You’re lying.” He said seriously. “Cheer up. It’s the start of a new year. Anything you want can happen. You’re being given another chance, a clean slate.” He threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a sort of half hug before Toshiya called him over. He moved away. I wanted to yell at him right then. I wanted to force him to tell me how I could have all I wanted when he had given that to Toshiya.
But at the same time I knew he was just trying to be there for me. He was just trying to be a good friend and help.
I had always been torn in two over Kyo, and now was no different.
When I first realized my feelings for him, I wasn’t sure if I should deny them or act on them. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him as a friend or a lover. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
I watched as he moved across the room to where Toshiya stood smiling.
Although I would have considered Toshiya my oldest friend I hated him right then. I hated how easily he had won Kyo’s heart. I wondered if it had been love at first sight or if they had even realized that they had both completely fallen for each other.
I watched how warm Kyo’s eyes turned when he looked at the other man. I could see how his body naturally relaxed.
Closer to midnight, I finally summoned up my courage or maybe I had just braced myself enough for the answer and walked up to him.
“Kyo, can I ask you something?” I motioned him away from the group of people he was talking with.
“What’s up Kao?”
“I was just wondering…” My body trembled, my voice shook. “Are you and Toshiya…” My eyes wanted to turn away but I forced myself to continue to look at him. “Together.” My heart broke.
Kyo blushed and I could see a small smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah, we are.” He paused and looked at me, concern flashed in his eyes. “Is that a problem?” That was the only signal, the only sign that I ever got that he knew of my feelings and I shook my head.
“No, I just wanted to congratulate you.”
His face turned redder and he smiled. “Thank you.” He said as though he had needed my permission all along. His eyes fell on the taller man across the crowded room. “I…” he looked down. “I don’t even know the words I want to say anymore.”
I forced a smile for his benefit and patted his back, steering him back into the party.
I watched at midnight as Kyo pulled Toshiya down and pressed their lips together, causing the other man to giggle and throw his arms around Kyo.
How I wished that I could have been the one kissing him as the clock struck twelve. I wished I could disappear.
I found out later that that kiss had been their first, as Kyo had confessed to me over coffee years later.
Yes, they continued to date and I pretended like I was all right. I watched their relationship from the sidelines. All the smiles, laughter, tears and fights. I imagined myself in their position. Imagined what my life would be like if I was with Kyo. But instead I was a silent observer to their love.
I don’t mean to make either of them sound like bad people, they’re not. Not at all. Anyone who saw them together couldn’t help but feel their love.
I knew from the second that I saw them together that Kyo would always take care of Toshiya. True, in front of me they kept their relationship subdued, but the times that I watched them when they didn’t know I was looking or saw them out in public, I just knew that things were meant to be between them.
At first when we would hang out Kyo would barely mention the other man, unless he was there as well. When he came along they would walk to my place holding hands and only break the contact when they got to my door. Even though they wouldn’t be touching, I could still feel their closeness whenever they entered the room.
I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut one afternoon that we were out for lunch. “You know…” I began already regretting what I was about to say, but knowing that I was doing it for Kyo. “You guys don’t have to…not touch when I’m around. I know that you’re…together.” I fidgeted in my seat.
Toshiya blushed and smiled faintly. Kyo nodded slowly. “Are you sure?” He asked.
“Yes.” I said. No, I thought.
“Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my arm.
I couldn’t say anything, my throat was too dry but when I saw Kyo take Toshiya’s hand underneath the table and his eyes light up, it made it all a little easier. I did want him to be happy.
I was growing use to the fact that they were dating and seeing them together didn’t make my heart break quite as much, or rather I think the pieces of it were just getting used to not being put back together.
I was okay, I really was, until Kyo called me one day to ask me if I would be willing to help Toshiya move.
“Where’s he moving?” I asked sitting down on my bed, my heart beat quickening.
“With me.” I could almost see the happiness radiating from his eyes as I spoke, telling me the story. I knew that I didn’t have any clue about their relationship. I had purposely closed it off from myself, but as Kyo talked I couldn’t help but be a bit curious.
I guessed that they had slept together by then, since they were going to be living together. I wondered what it must feel like to be with Kyo. When I picture him though, all I could see was him looking down, face filled with pleasure, but he wasn’t look at me, he was looking at Toshiya.
I agreed to helping them move and the next week I showed at Kyo’s apartment. I could hear muffled voices inside, and instantly I knew that they weren’t talking. I knocked on the door and backed away so I didn’t have to listen more then I had to. I waited patiently until Kyo came to the door, topless with his pants hanging loosely around his hips.
“Hey Kaoru, come on in.” He smiled and when he turned I could see lines of red down his back.
I swallowed hard and Toshiya walked out the bedroom pulling a shirt over his head.
“Morning Kao!” He moved towards me and hugged me. “It’s good to see you, where have you been hiding?”
It was true, I had distanced myself from my one time best friend. I was okay with spending time with Kyo, but I think I viewed Toshiya as an enemy now. I hated that I couldn’t stand being around him longer then possible, I was scared that I would hurt his feelings, that I would say something that I didn’t really mean.
“I’ve been busy.” I lied and he led me into the kitchen.
“Would you like some coffee?” He asked and then put his hand on his hips. “Kyo!”
Kyo turned and brushed his hair off his face. “What?”
“Go put on a top, I’m sure Kaoru doesn’t need to see you walking around the house half naked.” Toshiya’s eyes sparkled as Kyo set down his mug and kissed his cheek.
“It’s okay…” I forced a laugh as Kyo disappeared from the room. I wished that I could have him walking around my apartment, completely comfortable like he was right then.
“I have to get dressed sometime.” He called.
Toshiya handed me a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter. “So Kaoru, are you seeing anyone?”
“Why?” My eyebrows shot up.
“We could go on double dates! Wouldn’t that be fun Kyo?” When he noticed the blond come back, I swore his eyes lit up the room.
“Sure, but I don’t think Kaoru is the double dating type.” He said and met my eyes, a smile tugging at the right corner of his mouth.
I nodded in thanks, there were times that I almost dared to believe that Kyo knew about my feelings for him, but it was a bittersweet knowledge because if he did, he had still chosen Toshiya over me, he still loved him in such a way, I doubted that he even understood.
“You two suck.” Toshiya pouted and then glanced at the clock. “We’d better get going.”
I agreed, I was anxious to get the day over with. It was the first time in a long while that I was there to see first hand all the little touches, the kisses, the way they spoke to each other, the way they both just knew when the one of them needed someone there.
I could tell that they just worked, and after getting everything moved out of Toshiya’s old place and into Kyo’s, there wasn’t much but it still took us two trips, Toshiya excused himself to go to work.
I swear it took them five minutes to say goodbye, even though they’d only be separated for a few hours. It would have made me sick, if I didn’t see how genuine it was. How both of them seemed so want to remember the moment, to make if perfect, just in case it was their last.
After Toshiya left I could hear Kyo take a deep breath as he closed the door and joined me in the living room. “Thank you for helping us today.” He smiled and I felt the word ‘us’ drop like weight on me.
I shifted slightly on the couch and nodded. “Anytime.”
“Want to go get something to eat?” He asked. “My treat.”
I agreed and we went to a restaurant. He was quiet as we waited for our food, and swallowing my discomfort, I opened my mouth to ask him. “What’s bothering you Kyo?”
He looked up somewhat shocked. “What…how?”
“I know you.”
His eyes met mine. “You don’t want to know.” His voice was soft.
“I do.” We both knew I was lying, but he was my friend long before I fell in love with him, and through everything I still wanted to be there for him.
He breathed in deeply. “I love him you know.”
I let his words hang in the air, not really knowing what to say. “I know.”
“I don’t usually talk like this.” He laughed. “I just…sometimes it scares me how much I care about him. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him now. I mean, if he left…I just don’t know if I could…” He hung his head. “I don’t like feeling like that. I don’t want to imagine…”
“He won’t leave you Kyo.” I raised my eyes to meet his. “Trust me.”
He nodded. “I know. But…”
“I’ll always be here if you need me.” My hands trembled and I clenched them together in my lap.
“Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my arm. It was usually the only physical contact we had anymore, expect on holidays were we would still occasionally hug. His fingers left more of an imprint in my mind then on my flesh but for me the touch lingered long after.
I was jealous that Toshiya got to be touched by him all the time, that he could touch him whenever he wanted to. We left the restaurant almost with a silent understanding that things between us would never change, that his relationship with Toshiya was as solid as ever. It wasn’t as perfect as I had once imagined it to be, but I suppose that no relationship is, the point was, he said, that he felt that no matter what happened, that they could work through it.
Time passed, I don’t know exactly how much. We were young when we all met, and around that time I had begun to notice that I had lines on my face that I didn’t before. When I looked at pictures of us from parties or trips, I could see the difference the years had made.
I avoided Toshiya’s questions about relationships as much as possible, but to keep him happy I occasionally went on some dates he set up. I dated a few people here and there, but still I only wanted Kyo.
I was walking home from work one night in spring, maybe seven or eight years after I first met Kyo when my cell phone rang. I burned myself with my cigarette as I pried the phone from my pocket and cursed as I looked down at it. I smiled when I noticed it was Kyo calling.
“Hey Kyo.” I answered and there was silence on the other end. “Kyo?”
“Kaoru?” His voice was weak and upon hearing it I began to shake. “Where are you?” I looked up at the street sign and told him. “Could you come to,” he breathed, his breath shaky. “God Kaoru.”
“Kyo, what’s wrong, where are you?” I felt panicked and ran towards the train station closest to me and found my way to where the taxis were parked.
There was silence on the other end and I almost see him biting his lip and letting his head fall back until it hit the wall I suspected him to be leaning against like he had a habit of doing. When he finally spoke it was in barely a whisper and he gave me the address followed by a whimpered. “Please hurry.”
“I’m on my way.” I said and hung up quickly getting into a cab and telling him the address.
I was shocked when the place I was going to ended up being a hospital. My heart skipped a beat as I ran run the steps and into the emergency room.
I looked around and spotted Kyo sitting silently in a corner of the room starring straight ahead. My eyes widened as I noticed that his left arm his in a cast and sling, he had a scrap on the one side of his face and his clothes were ripped and bloody.
“Kyo…” I let his name slide past my lips and he looked up. I took a step back as his eyes met mine, showing no emotion.
“Kaoru.” He stood up and all but ran towards me. “Kaoru.” He said again looking up at me, then broke down.
I grabbed him and pulled him to me. I ran my fingers through his hair and he continued to sob. “Kyo what happened?” He began to shake and I held him tighter. “Kyo?” I looked around the room. “Where’s Toshiya?” I blinked a few times wondering why the other man was not there, maybe he hadn’t arrived yet.
Kyo’s legs seemed to go out and I had to make sure to hold him up. His hand that wasn’t wrapped up gripped onto my shirt and he all but completely fell apart. “…Kaoru. What do I do?” He moaned out.
“Kyo I don’t understand.” I moved slightly so I could look at him and still support him.
“He’s…gone…” His hand balled into a fist and hit my chest. “He’s…he’s…he’s…” Judging by the mess that he was I could guess what was going to come out of his mouth next. “He’s…dead.” The last word was so quiet I thought I had missed it until I realized that my arms had gone numb and I let him fall to the floor. He curled over his knees and cried. I dropped down beside him and lifted his shoulders.
“How?”
His lost eyes met mine. “We were out…and…there was a car…I held him Kaoru, I held him and I couldn’t do anything…now he’s gone. What do I do? I can’t…Kaoru…now…why?”
“I don’t know.” I said and pulled him against me. I could feel tears stinging in the corners of my own eyes. I couldn’t believe that Toshiya was gone. That I would never see him again, I wouldn’t ever hear him teasing me, or see him smiling. I hated that I had pushed him away in the last few years, and that I lost the friendship that we once had. I couldn’t imagine what Kyo was feeling right then. I just held him as he cried.
Once he finally calmed down, I brought him back to my place and by the time we got inside of my apartment, he was mostly asleep on my shoulder. I pulled off his dirty clothes and put them into a bag, in case he wanted them later and dressed him in a pair of my pajamas before tucking him into my bed.
“Kaoru…” His voice filled my ears as I shut off the lights.
“Don’t worry Kyo, we’ll get through this together.” I tried to smile and he nodded closing his eyes. I had hoped that he would sleep but in the middle of the night he made his way out to the living room, where I had been dozing on the couch, in hysterics.
“I woke up and he wasn’t there Kaoru.” He managed to choke out. “How can I wake up if he’s not there?”
I didn’t know what to say and I just held him until he fell back asleep.
I went to Toshiya’s funeral with him, and stared as he and Toshiya’s mother held each other, I had no idea that Kyo knew his family. Kyo managed to give a speech even though as the end I had to help him off the stage.
I don’t know how we both got through the first few months. Or more, I don’t know how he got the strength to go on. He moved in with me, well I insisted that he stay with me for a while, a while turned into those months, but I wasn’t going to complain. I liked having him around.
Kyo changed after that night in the hospital. I never think I realized or maybe I never wanted to realize how much depth their relationship had. When Toshiya died I think a part of Kyo died with him and as time passed I knew that it would never return.
I was sad when he finally told me he was ready to move back to his place, but he wanted me to stay there with him, to help him sort through some of Toshiya’s things, and fix up the apartment. I agreed and the next day we went there.
I don’t believe either me or Kyo knew how hard it would be for us to be there. He stayed in the guest bedroom with me the first night to sleep, and even after being there a week he still wouldn’t sleep in his own bedroom.
The second week that we stayed at his place he decided that he would try to sleep in their old bed, but for the first few night, I woke up to find him curled up on the other side of my bed with me. Then one morning I got up to find him sitting in the kitchen drinking what looked like his fifth or sixth cup of coffee. I realized that he managed to get through the night, even if he didn’t sleep much.
I don’t think I would have been as strong as him, if I had lost someone as close to me as Toshiya had been to him.
“You can go home if you like.” He smiled at me and I nodded.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay, but I think I’m just going to have to get used to that.”
I didn’t say anything but just sat down across from him. I did end up going back to my place, but I made sure to call him before I went to sleep and when I got up in the morning.
It was weird, I thought for sure the second that Toshiya was out of the picture that I would go for Kyo, but now looking at him, I knew that I could never do something like that. I didn’t want to ruin his memories of Toshiya, I didn’t want him to hurt anymore then he already was, even though I didn’t think it was possible.
More time passed, I knew that Kyo lost track of it. I think we saw each other, if not every day, then close to it. I knew that my feelings for him still hadn’t changed since we met in that café all those years ago, and even when I looked at him, and he was sometimes a stranger, I still loved him. I never doubted that.
We would go for walks at night sometimes, he said he didn’t sleep well, and I didn’t need to ask why, besides I was more then happy to spend time with him. We ended up on the roof of my building on night, looking out at the lights.
“It’s beautiful.” I said softly and he turned to me nodding.
“Yeah.” His eyes turned upwards to the sky and he blinked a few time before turning away from me. I guessed he was thinking about Toshiya, I doubted the other man ever left his thoughts. I was expecting him to continue, to say something else, there were usually gaps in our conversations, but I had become used to that.
He remained quiet though and just stood there looking out across the city. I swallowed knowing that I was running out of time to tell him. I had realized that there would never be a good time to tell him, there never had been in the past and now that everything had changed there would never be one in the future.
It had been over three years since Toshiya had died. I’m sure Kyo out of all people was painfully aware of the passage of time. But so was I. I had counted all the days that they were together and that I wasn’t with Kyo. I had counted all the minutes I missed with him. I knew that I shouldn’t do what I was about to do, but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I didn’t. I took a deep breath and glanced at him standing next to me.
“Kyo,” I began before pausing and brushing the hair from my eyes. “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.” I bit my lip as I waited for his reaction.
At first he made no sign of even hearing me. Then he sighed and flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette. “I know.” Was all he said before throwing the smoke off the roof and onto the street below. He didn’t look at me, and after a few minutes he turned to go back inside.
“Will you go out with me?” I yelled as he walked away.
He stopped and I could only see the side of his face. He looked old to me then. There were lines on his face and I wasn’t sure when they had gotten there. His eyes, which used to sparkle were dull and seemed to be slowly fading.
I don’t know how long we stood there, me holding my breath and him motionless against the dark night sky.
“Alright.” He said with a slight nod before disappearing.
I took him out for dinner a few days later. I picked him up and everything. I hadn’t been to his place since staying there after Toshiya died and what struck me was that it hadn’t changed at all.
I almost felt guilty waiting for him in the doorway, half expecting the other man to walk out of one of the rooms down the hall. I had to wonder if Kyo expected that as well sometimes.
It was a bit awkward at first going out with Kyo. He was quiet, almost like he wasn’t there at all. I knew that his mind was still with Toshiya.
I did my best to show him the night I always dreamed that our first date would be. Of course I knew that he hadn’t expected ever having a first date again.
Finally we were seated in the restaurant. I bit my lip nervously.
“Kyo, I don’t know if you know, but I’ve liked you for a long time.” I paused but he just continued to listen to me not moving. “Even before you met…Toshiya.”
He stayed motionless before finally nodding and looking down. “I suspected you did, but once I met Toshiya, I knew you did.”
I played with the food on my plate. I knew what I was going to ask wasn’t the sort of first date talk, but this wasn’t a typical first date. We had known each other too long and been through too much to have to worry about nerves or etiquette. Besides I told myself, it was something I had to find out.
“Did you ever…”
“Like you?” He asked his eyebrows raised. I nodded, my voice failing me. He shrugged. “I suppose that I did, but…” I watched as his eyes drifted away and I knew he was no longer seeing the world I was. I reached out and took his hand. He visibly flinched and pulled away as his eyes refocused and he blushed. “Sorry.”
I smiled as he replaced his hand on the table and allowed me to take it. “I know it’ll take time Kyo. I know that this isn’t going to be easy and it’ll be weird and…and you don’t have to worry about it okay? We’ll take things slow. We have lots of time.”
The way he looked at me then I’ll never forget. His eyes were do dead, so serious, so hopeless. “There will never be enough.” He looked away.
My breath caught in my throat even though I didn’t know what he meant with his words.
I do now though.
We continued to date though, or rather, I think it was he let me continue to take him out. He would let me hold his hand occasionally or brush the hair from his face. He would let me put my arm around his shoulders when we sat together watching T.V or movies or open doors for him.
We had been ‘dating’ for about six months when he first let me kiss him. I was dropping him off at his place after dinner one night and we were standing out side his door. After dates he would never let me into his house, I knew that it was because deep down he felt guilty for being with me and he wanted to keep what we had separated from what he had had with Toshiya.
I hugged him like I had done so many times before and he had begun to squeeze back even though it was still lightly. I began to pull away but his arms remained wrapped around me and I stopped and looked up.
“Kyo?” I questioned and he quieted me just by meeting my eyes. I could see him swallow and my eyes traveled down his face to rest on his lips.
“You can, you know, if you want.” He whispered in a voice that I had never heard before.
“Are you sure?” I could hear the complete uncertainty in his voice, I could almost hear his heart breaking, and I’m sure I would have if I wasn’t so sure that it was already in pieces.
He nodded and slowly closed his eyes as I leaned forward. He hesitated as my lips met his but eventually kissed me back lightly. I broke off quickly and ran a hand down his cheek and he smiled shakily. “Thank you for dinner.” He said looking up at me.
“Any time Kyo.” I paused and so did he. “Did you…want to come over tomorrow?”
He nodded slowly. “Okay, I’ll call you when I’m off work.” He disappeared into his apartment and I let out a shaky breath before heading home.
It was at least another year and a bit before I convinced him to move in with me. I knew that he still rented the place where he and Toshiya had lived, but he spent his days and nights with me.
He let him touch him, and we shared a bed. I could kiss him whenever I wanted to but it wasn’t like I had dreamed it would be. I always knew he was letting me do these things. The few times he kissed me or held me, I had to wonder what was going on in his head.
After the first time we were together he got up as soon as he could and locked himself in the bathroom. When I finally had the guts to go see him, I found him sobbing uncontrollably.
I wanted to hold him and comfort him, but he wouldn’t let me touch him. So I ran him a hot bath and got the shower ready for him. He let me help him bathe and he shook beneath my touch.
“It’s okay Kyo.” I whispered as I wrapped a towel around him and he nodded.
“I’m sorry…it’s just…that this was my first time with anyone…well with any man, besides…T-Toshiya.” His eyes filled with tears but he blinked them back.
I nodded and stroked his face. “It’s okay.” I said again.
“I’m just scared,” he admitted. “Because…because I realized that you don’t ever stop loving someone, you just have to learn, how to get along, how to continue to live without them…” He kicked at the ground. “I never wanted to have to learn how to live without him and now that I’m starting to realize that I have…I just…I’m just…”
“I know.” I reached out and brought him to my chest.
“Let’s just go to bed.” He mumbled sometime later and brought him to our room. For years I never thought that I’d be able to say that.
We had been together for about three years when I told him that I loved him again. I knew that it pained him that it wasn’t coming from Toshiya’s lips.
We were out for dinner. I made sure to bring him out to do something special whenever I had the chance.
“I wanted to thank you for giving me this chance Kyo.” I held his hand and smiled. “I love you.”
He smiled back at me and squeezed my fingers. “I love you too.” His voice was soft and he didn’t meet my eyes.
My heart stopped. It was the first time he had ever said that to me and I felt like I could cry. It was like all my dreams came true.
But when we got home my whole world changed, when I got out of the shower, I found Kyo crying, clutching onto the necklace he always wore, one that Toshiya had given to him.
I watched him, and didn’t let him see me. I knew then that what he had said was a lie. At first it didn’t bother me, I didn’t let myself be that shallow. I knew that maybe with time he could actually begin to love me.
But things didn’t change and as weeks, then months and years passed, every little thing he said and did began to ware on me. I watched him as he still mourned over Toshiya, and all I wanted was for him to see me the way I saw him.
We fought sometimes. I didn’t want to, I didn’t like to lose my temper with him, but there were times that I wondered if being with him was really worth it. I wondered if knowing that his heart only belonged to Toshiya, and always would was different then what I suspected to be true. It was in one of those fights, that I hated so much because they always seemed to show me things I didn’t want to see, that I let my heart break and just asked.
“You won’t let me love you will you?” I screamed and Kyo swallowed hard. “You’ll never love me, even if you say it.”
“No.” He looked down his eyes full of tears. “I can’t love anyone anymore.” He knew that he didn’t have to finish his sentence for me to know what he was talking about.
“Do you think he’d be happy to know you’re like this? That you’re so empty?” I forced myself to say those words. I forced myself to try to get him live again, to move on. Although deep down I knew that it was no use.
“I think he’d understand. I’m still here. I’m strong enough to still be here. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s just I can’t love you. I can’t give you that.” I could see the tears in his eyes and I knew that he didn’t want to hurt me. “I gave my heart away a long time ago Kaoru, and even if I tried, I can’t get it back. I don’t want to get it back.” His words reinforced what I’d know since the first instant I saw him with Toshiya.
“I’ve loved you for a long time Kyo. I will always love you, even you don’t love me. But we were friend first so even if it hurts, I’ll always be here for you.” I squeezed my eyes shut and walked out of the room. I wouldn’t leave him even if he could never love me, even if we would never have a normal relationship. We were both too old now to try to start a new life over with anyone else, with a different group. It was too late for me, it was too late for him.
I loved him and although I knew what he would only ever love Toshiya, that the other man would be the only one in his heart, I would stand by his side until the end came
for us as well.
.:.My Fanfic Archive.:.jrockprompts.:.