[Morning Sun|On-coming Storm]
Title: [Morning Sun|On-coming Storm]
Author:
xlostheavenx
Genre: OS
Rating: PG16
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya
Synopsis: I could see my reflection in the window and I had to wonder how many other things had been destroyed by storms.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: I started this on an airplane, and I’ve just continued it from there. It’s in Kyo POV, and it’s really the first fic I’ve written closer to the present ^^
-*- I’d like to dedicate this to my koi, who is my inspiration for so much and who is always there to bring me back when I lose myself -*-
[Morning Sun|On-coming Storm]
Have you ever seen the prairie at sunrise? The sun slowly rising in the east, illuminating the dark storm clouds that have gathered on the western horizon. The sky that separates the red from the black starts as the palest blue, almost white. Then as you reach almost overhead it’s the deepest blue, the most pristine and untouched, then it is engulfed by the rain clouds. You can see the wind moving the sheets of falling water and the occasional bolt of lightning joining heaven and earth. You can see forever across the blowing golden grass. You can see where you were, where you are going, where you came from and all the places in between.
I’ve only ever seen it once. It isn’t very often that I’m awake at sunrise, and even rarer that I am in the prairies.
It was June, and we were on tour. I think it was a Tuesday morning. I had woken up for some reason and made my way to the front of the tour bus. I sat down and opened the window reveling the night, which was slowly disappearing. I watched as the sun rose and as it’s light was stolen by the darkness that it had the unfortunate chance of being born into. I stared at the near perfect day that had been ruined.
I could see my reflection in the window and I had to wonder how many other things had been destroyed by storms.
“Kyo.” I turned away from the scene in front of me to see Toshiya standing hesitantly between the bunks and the front end of the bus. He lifted his head slowly and met my eyes. I could see the apprehension in them. I could see pain. “Come back.” He said simply.
I closed my eyes and let him take my hand.
That’s where it ended, underneath the early morning prairie sun, underneath another oncoming storm.
But that’s not where it began. No, it had begun years ago and I suppose that the beginning is just as important as the end.
When I first begun singing it consumed me. I made myself a new personality. I made myself who I always dreamed I could be. I guess over time that’s what I became. The boy in me slowly died and I turned into the man you saw on stage.
It didn’t happen right away. I lost little pieces of myself here and there. I left a piece of my heart with a break up and another piece when my band broke up. Over time I became all the hurt, hate and pain that I wrote about. I only saw darkness in the world around me. I shut everyone out and when La:Sadies broke up I thought I had lost everything.
Of course there were people who wouldn’t let me forget everything that I had gone through just to get to that point. People who wouldn’t give up on me, who wouldn’t let me give up on myself. So I continued. There were points that I forced myself to, times that I truly wanted to die.
Even after I met Toshiya, even after I fell in love with him, even after we lived together, or went on those sort of date dates. Even after we made love in hotel rooms, or on the rooftop, or in the studio. Even after we broke up and got together again, then started the whole cycle over. Even when we decided that us would never work out, that we were one of those couples that were meant to be, but could never work out.
After all of that there were those times I wanted to disappear, that I wished I could. Of course I never did. I never lost myself. The person that I had made myself on stage, the one I dreamed that I could one day become, some how began to look back at me whenever I looked in the mirror.
We played our hearts and souls out onstage. I sang and screamed and cried and died and was reborn every day on stage. We played every show as if it was our last and we lived every day like tomorrow would never come. We did things our way, at least as much as we could. We had known that there would be somethings we would have to sacrifice when we went major, but I always sung and wrote what I wanted. I always tried to stay true to myself.
I could live when Toshiya was there with me, by my side, and I could live when he wasn’t.
Then everything changed. I don’t know exactly when it happened. I had been pushing people away from me my whole life, I had been shutting the world out. Then one day I woke up and for the first time it seemed that the world wasn’t trying to get back in.
I was lost. I lost everything. I wasn’t sure why I sang, I wasn’t sure who I was. Toshiya wasn’t there and when I looked in the mirror the person I had worked so hard to become wasn’t there either. But the worst thing was, that I wasn’t sure why.
When we were together, Toshiya and me, things were amazing. It seemed as though it would never end, as though all there would ever be was smiles and laughter.
Of course we learned all too soon that it wasn’t. The fights, the tears, all the words and broken hearts tore us apart just as much as they kept us together.
It went the same way every time. Things would be great until one or both of us screwed it up. Then it would end. We would end up apart. Then after we both calmed down, after we had forgiven and forgotten the bad times, there were more good then bad though, when we would have moved on only to find our way back to one another, we would start over, with the same promise, that this time it would be different.
Of course it never was. But we learned over time that that was just how we were, that was how we worked and there was nothing we could do about it. every one knew that we were meant for each other, everyone knew that maybe in the end, when we had each become older, we had each grown more and were less proud, less stubborn, that maybe we could be happy together.
Yet, even in the times that we were apart, I felt that he was there. I knew that I could find him that he could find me.
When I disappeared I knew that there would be no way that I could find him.
I continued though. I didn’t let myself fall. I sang and I performed. We all did. Of course we had all changed. We were older, we were different people then when we started. Ten years had passed and we had come so far from our little practice room in Osaka. We had gone around the world.
It was in America, when I was walking through a foot and a half of snow that it hit me.
The sun was rising over the city. The buildings cast dark shadows on the white and the sun turned the exposed snow red. A snowstorm was forming, and even though I couldn’t see it through the city, I could almost sense it in the cool air that blew against my face.
It was then that I realized why I had lost myself. I had changed so much, for reasons that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I had lost the reasons why I started, and I didn’t know what I was working for anymore.
It was on that morning when I took Toshiya’s hand one more time that I knew that I could find myself again. That it was possible.
I realized that I was not the man that I had wanted to be, the person I had grown into, but the person I had tried to avoid becoming again. The empty one, the one who only knew pain and hurt not love.
Toshiya had shown me love, even if sometimes we messed it up. He allowed me to take the first steps back towards myself.
I wouldn’t say that after that we got back together. Occasionally we did hold hands or lay in each other arms. We kissed, had sex, and talked like we never had before. It had been so long since we had been close to each other, after the last time we had broken up we had put so much space between us, left so many things unanswered, so many things unsaid.
We had changed and I began to think that maybe with time things between could actually work out. He had saved me in the beginning and he had saved me in the end.
Our sky may not have been clear, maybe there would always be clouds in the distance. But I knew that if we held hands and still had the chance to hope, then maybe we could make it through this life together.
Author:
xlostheavenx
Genre: OS
Rating: PG16
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: KyoxToshiya
Synopsis: I could see my reflection in the window and I had to wonder how many other things had been destroyed by storms.
Disclaimer: Don't own...
Comments: I started this on an airplane, and I’ve just continued it from there. It’s in Kyo POV, and it’s really the first fic I’ve written closer to the present ^^
-*- I’d like to dedicate this to my koi, who is my inspiration for so much and who is always there to bring me back when I lose myself -*-
[Morning Sun|On-coming Storm]
Have you ever seen the prairie at sunrise? The sun slowly rising in the east, illuminating the dark storm clouds that have gathered on the western horizon. The sky that separates the red from the black starts as the palest blue, almost white. Then as you reach almost overhead it’s the deepest blue, the most pristine and untouched, then it is engulfed by the rain clouds. You can see the wind moving the sheets of falling water and the occasional bolt of lightning joining heaven and earth. You can see forever across the blowing golden grass. You can see where you were, where you are going, where you came from and all the places in between.
I’ve only ever seen it once. It isn’t very often that I’m awake at sunrise, and even rarer that I am in the prairies.
It was June, and we were on tour. I think it was a Tuesday morning. I had woken up for some reason and made my way to the front of the tour bus. I sat down and opened the window reveling the night, which was slowly disappearing. I watched as the sun rose and as it’s light was stolen by the darkness that it had the unfortunate chance of being born into. I stared at the near perfect day that had been ruined.
I could see my reflection in the window and I had to wonder how many other things had been destroyed by storms.
“Kyo.” I turned away from the scene in front of me to see Toshiya standing hesitantly between the bunks and the front end of the bus. He lifted his head slowly and met my eyes. I could see the apprehension in them. I could see pain. “Come back.” He said simply.
I closed my eyes and let him take my hand.
That’s where it ended, underneath the early morning prairie sun, underneath another oncoming storm.
But that’s not where it began. No, it had begun years ago and I suppose that the beginning is just as important as the end.
When I first begun singing it consumed me. I made myself a new personality. I made myself who I always dreamed I could be. I guess over time that’s what I became. The boy in me slowly died and I turned into the man you saw on stage.
It didn’t happen right away. I lost little pieces of myself here and there. I left a piece of my heart with a break up and another piece when my band broke up. Over time I became all the hurt, hate and pain that I wrote about. I only saw darkness in the world around me. I shut everyone out and when La:Sadies broke up I thought I had lost everything.
Of course there were people who wouldn’t let me forget everything that I had gone through just to get to that point. People who wouldn’t give up on me, who wouldn’t let me give up on myself. So I continued. There were points that I forced myself to, times that I truly wanted to die.
Even after I met Toshiya, even after I fell in love with him, even after we lived together, or went on those sort of date dates. Even after we made love in hotel rooms, or on the rooftop, or in the studio. Even after we broke up and got together again, then started the whole cycle over. Even when we decided that us would never work out, that we were one of those couples that were meant to be, but could never work out.
After all of that there were those times I wanted to disappear, that I wished I could. Of course I never did. I never lost myself. The person that I had made myself on stage, the one I dreamed that I could one day become, some how began to look back at me whenever I looked in the mirror.
We played our hearts and souls out onstage. I sang and screamed and cried and died and was reborn every day on stage. We played every show as if it was our last and we lived every day like tomorrow would never come. We did things our way, at least as much as we could. We had known that there would be somethings we would have to sacrifice when we went major, but I always sung and wrote what I wanted. I always tried to stay true to myself.
I could live when Toshiya was there with me, by my side, and I could live when he wasn’t.
Then everything changed. I don’t know exactly when it happened. I had been pushing people away from me my whole life, I had been shutting the world out. Then one day I woke up and for the first time it seemed that the world wasn’t trying to get back in.
I was lost. I lost everything. I wasn’t sure why I sang, I wasn’t sure who I was. Toshiya wasn’t there and when I looked in the mirror the person I had worked so hard to become wasn’t there either. But the worst thing was, that I wasn’t sure why.
When we were together, Toshiya and me, things were amazing. It seemed as though it would never end, as though all there would ever be was smiles and laughter.
Of course we learned all too soon that it wasn’t. The fights, the tears, all the words and broken hearts tore us apart just as much as they kept us together.
It went the same way every time. Things would be great until one or both of us screwed it up. Then it would end. We would end up apart. Then after we both calmed down, after we had forgiven and forgotten the bad times, there were more good then bad though, when we would have moved on only to find our way back to one another, we would start over, with the same promise, that this time it would be different.
Of course it never was. But we learned over time that that was just how we were, that was how we worked and there was nothing we could do about it. every one knew that we were meant for each other, everyone knew that maybe in the end, when we had each become older, we had each grown more and were less proud, less stubborn, that maybe we could be happy together.
Yet, even in the times that we were apart, I felt that he was there. I knew that I could find him that he could find me.
When I disappeared I knew that there would be no way that I could find him.
I continued though. I didn’t let myself fall. I sang and I performed. We all did. Of course we had all changed. We were older, we were different people then when we started. Ten years had passed and we had come so far from our little practice room in Osaka. We had gone around the world.
It was in America, when I was walking through a foot and a half of snow that it hit me.
The sun was rising over the city. The buildings cast dark shadows on the white and the sun turned the exposed snow red. A snowstorm was forming, and even though I couldn’t see it through the city, I could almost sense it in the cool air that blew against my face.
It was then that I realized why I had lost myself. I had changed so much, for reasons that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I had lost the reasons why I started, and I didn’t know what I was working for anymore.
It was on that morning when I took Toshiya’s hand one more time that I knew that I could find myself again. That it was possible.
I realized that I was not the man that I had wanted to be, the person I had grown into, but the person I had tried to avoid becoming again. The empty one, the one who only knew pain and hurt not love.
Toshiya had shown me love, even if sometimes we messed it up. He allowed me to take the first steps back towards myself.
I wouldn’t say that after that we got back together. Occasionally we did hold hands or lay in each other arms. We kissed, had sex, and talked like we never had before. It had been so long since we had been close to each other, after the last time we had broken up we had put so much space between us, left so many things unanswered, so many things unsaid.
We had changed and I began to think that maybe with time things between could actually work out. He had saved me in the beginning and he had saved me in the end.
Our sky may not have been clear, maybe there would always be clouds in the distance. But I knew that if we held hands and still had the chance to hope, then maybe we could make it through this life together.