Behind the Story Part 2
Title: Behind the Story
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: AU, fluff, angst, romance, smut, etc.
Part: 2/4? (it got longer)
Ratings: PG16-NC17
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: DiexKyo
Synopsis: In so many ways I am ashamed to still want you, even after you broke me.
Maybe that’s what you wanted all along, to break me so you could put me back together, just to make sure you had all of me.
Disclaimer: Don’t own…
Comments: Here is part 2, hope you all like it. Thank you to everyone who read and/or commented on the last part, it all meant a lot to me! And this part is also extra special cause it’s Die’s birthday today lol ^^ Hope you all like it! <3
.:. Part 1.:.
**-The parts in italics are from Kyo’s writing. They can also be looked at as his thoughts. -**
The days seemed to blend together, even though with everything Kyo was busier then ever. Between meetings with his agent and the interviews that his publishing company had set up to promote the new book, he felt like he always had some where to be, even if he could never figure out where that place was. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what that place was.
Between all of his appointments in the last few weeks Kyo had managed to hang out with Kaoru a few times and had even seen a few of his other friends. Now it was the day before his book was set to release and he was on his way to Kaoru’s apartment for the party the older man had been planning.
The sun had set but the sky was still a light blue slowly fading to black. The streetlights had just come on and Kyo walked into the small convenience store about a block away from Kaoru’s to pick up a pack of smokes. He had quit some time ago, but he figured if he was going to be at the party all night he would need something to keep him sane.
Inside he got into line after a taller man whose cell phone rang just as Kyo stepped up behind him.
“Moshi moshi?”
Kyo did his best not to listen to the other man’s conversation but as he stepped forward and made his request for cigarettes Kyo frowned.
“No, it’s Daisuke. Who else would it be?” The man continued as Kyo reached into his pocket to pull out his wallet.
He heard the man in front of him thank the clerk and Kyo’s fingers fumbled on the bills he was going through. He knew that voice, even though it had been too long to remember the last time he heard it clearly, the familiarity of it made his heart jump and chilled him to the bone in the same instant.
His head snapped up and he turned as the door closed behind the man.
“How can I help you?” The young man at the counter asked as Kyo stared at the retreating jacket, now doubting what he had heard, or what he had thought he heard. Shaking his head Kyo went to the counter and got his smokes before leaving and heading to Kaoru’s.
I’ve heard that time can heal all wounds. I’m not sure if that is true or not. I think time is a funny thing. I think that it can make wounds better, even if it can’t heal them completely. I think that I can make them deeper as well, or leave them as scars.
I know for me, this scar, these scars will always be with me, just like I’m getting used to being alone. I think in some ways I have always been alone. I still have questions but what time has given is the knowledge that I don’t have to know the answers to them.
Even after all these years, even after all of the scenario I have gone through in my head, I still wonder what you have done with you life.
I can almost picture sitting down with you, now that we’re both grown up and leading our own lives, and having a cup of coffee. Laughing at old memories and being able to smile again.
I can almost see a ring on your finger and imagine the kind of job you have and I know that it wouldn’t be like that.
As much as I hate to admit it, I know that I am not over you and if I did see you again all the scars I have won’t just be faint lines on my skin, but would be reopened cuts for the world to see.
If you knew that I would spend my life thinking about you, wondering about you, not being able to love anyone because I loved you, would you have made the same decisions?
Would you still have left without saying goodbye?
Kyo leaned against the wall behind him and laughed at some joke he had heard. His eyes traveled around the room. Most people had already left since it was getting late and Kyo was happy with that because he was getting sick and tired of people congratulating him without reading the book.
His book, his story. He would never admit it, but he was connected to those words more then anything else. They were all that he had when it came down to it. They were all he had to remind himself what was real.
Kaoru was standing next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Hey Kyo?”
“Hey Kaoru.” Kyo turned to the taller man.
“What’s on your mind?” Kaoru led him away from the crowd. “You haven’t been yourself all night.”
Kyo sighed. “You know I’m not one for parties.” He shrugged.
“You know you’re lying.” The dark haired man raised an eyebrow.
The blond bit his bottom lip. “Do you remember…”
Kaoru’s eyes widened. “You’re not thinking about him are you?”
“No.” Kyo paused. “No, well I haven’t been, anymore then usual anyways…but today…when I was at the store, I thought…but I’m just being stupid. It just shook me up a bit is all.” He forced a smile.
“Are you sure you’re alright.” Kaoru asked as they moved back towards the party.
“I am. Sometimes it still hurts, but you learn to live with that. At least I have.” Kyo swallowed. “Thanks for the party Kao.”
“Anytime.” The older man smiled. “So when is this big book signing of yours?”
“Next weekend.” Kyo nodded. “Are you coming?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
Kyo watched as Kaoru walked away and sat down on the couch. Kaoru’s apartment was near the top of the building and looking out the window he had a good view of the downtown skyline, much better then the view he had from his place.
Kyo rolled the drink in his hands and smiled to himself, even though he lived with an empty feeling in his chest he could still be happy.
At least he was getting good enough at fooling himself that he could be. At least he was aware of that, he thought.
As children we make wishes; on birthday cakes, on time, on stars. At first we might wish for little things; new toys, friendships, grades. Then as we get older we don’t just wish for a new bike but for love, getting a boyfriend or girlfriend, winning some sort of prize or just having your name known.
I think that prayers are like wishes. The things we only dare to say to the silent walls and in darkened rooms. The things we’re ashamed to still want.
I think dreams too are like prayers and wishes, except they show us what we really want, the things that we’re too proud, too reluctant to even consider admitting that we want. The things that maybe we’re not even aware of.
On the nights I dream of you, I always wake up feeling worse then I did in my dreams. Because even when I’m happy in them, I know that it’s not real. There is always something telling me that this is not how it is, even if it is how it’s supposed to be.
Even though as we grow up, we don’t wish as much, we don’t pray as much, and if we do, we keep it as secret as what we are wanting.
In so many ways I am ashamed to still want you, even after you broke me.
Maybe that’s what you wanted all along, to break me so you could put me back together, just to make sure you had all of me.
Kyo watched the scene on the back of his eyelids, knowing that it was something that he didn’t want to see, but there was nothing he could do about it. He never could.
He could see himself and he could feel what it he could see even though he knew it wasn’t happening, it wasn’t real. The small soft kisses being trailed down his jaw and ending on his lips, the feel of the fingertips light dancing over his skin.
He could see the others eyes burning into his own and feel his breath tickling his skin, making it burn and his heart jump.
He could feel the soft cotton sheets beneath him and the warm blanket being pulled over him as the others arm encircled him.
“I love you Kyo.” The lips touched his temple. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.”
The voice in his head was enough to properly wake him and Kyo sat straight up in bed, his hair plastered his forehead and his body shaking. He breathed in deeply and buried his head in his hands in an effort to stop the tears that had sprung to his eyes.
Regaining some of his composer he leaned back slightly and let his eyes travel around his dark bedroom. He was alone, just like he was when he went to sleep. The room was far too different from the one in his dream to even be confused with it, but all the same he felt something pull at his heart.
His eyes fell on his alarm clock, it was just before five in the morning, which meant his book was coming out in about an hour, when the first shops that carried it would open.
He groaned and fell back against his pillows.
“Why today?” He asked to no one in particular, there was no one there to hear him anyways, there never was when he woke up after these dreams. They had become fewer and fewer as time passed, but they still had the same effect on him.
The voice, so old, and yet so new, echoed in his ears and across the empty room. Outside the sun was just beginning to rise, he could tell by the way the soft line of light appeared over top of his curtains. It was too early but even as he got comfortable again he doubted whatever sleep would come to him would be restful.
He reached his arm behind him and felt the other side of the mattress but it remained cold, like usual. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, whether or not he actually believed that one day some sort of ghost like presence would come to warm it, to hold him, to be with him, to love him.
He curled back up into a ball and sighed as he closed his eyes, deciding it was better to ignore the stabbing pain in his chest that after so long he had learned to live with. He had become used to distancing himself from his feelings, but seeing those emotions so alive again in his dreams, was enough to allow them to take a hold of his heart again, even it was only when he was at his most vulnerable.
To remind him that he wasn’t free, that he couldn’t forget. To remind him that he was still human and that his heart hadn’t let go.
We are all searching for something in life. It takes time and a lot of effort to figure out exactly what you want. Some people want money, some recognition. Fortune, fame, happiness, they are all popular choices. They’re all something that you can work your whole life to obtain, but you might miss it along the way.
Others search for love, which might be more stupid then all the rest, or it might be the only thing worth looking for.
Of course what happens when you find that one thing that you’ve been trying to obtain. Most people don’t know what to do with it, at first they are happy, then they try to ruin it because they don’t trust that it’s real. They reject what they don’t know, even if it is what they desired.
People make mistakes, they end relationships, they mess up their businesses or lie to their friends, in some effort to test what they have been given and in the end they usually push it too far and end up losing everything.
But there are also the people who recognize what they have and they hold on to it, they treasure it and protect it with all they have. And they end up happy, they end up being fulfilled.
Then, there are those who get what they want and try as they might to hold on to it, to keep it close to their heart, it ends up sliding through their fingers. It ends up being taken away from them and they are left emptier then ever before.
I know that I was a fool, and I accept that. I knew that when you search for love you end up getting hurt. But I suppose that even though I knew that, I was just as stupid as the rest of them, maybe not, but thinking that just because I did everything I could I would have you forever, that you would always be at my side, made me worse.
Because sometimes trying is not enough, sometimes, it takes more then all the effort, all the love, all the happiness in the world to keep something.
Now, I don’t think it was love that made me happy, that made me feel fulfilled, but you. You completed me.
Knowing that in all my years that you were the only thing that made me feel like I had nothing else to look for makes me wonder why I don’t look for you now. Why I seem to have given up hope of ever feeling that way again and why I don’t care.
Maybe it’s because knowing what I have lost, I don’t want to settle for anything less. I don’t want to have to search, because I know that that search would be useless.
Even if I wanted to find you, you would never let me, you’d make me make sure you could find me.
Kyo leaned back in his chair and stretched. He had been sitting in the bookstore for the last two hours and his line of fans didn’t seem to be getting any shorter. He sighed and continued signing.
Most of his fans were in their late teens, and girls. He didn’t know how many times he had heard them squeal their adorations behind bangs and flushed cheeks, so he had taken to keeping his head down and nodding as they talked.
It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to meet the people who read his books, but he was too attached this story to care about what some school girl thought it was about.
“Hey Kyo.”
The blond looked up his marker already hovering above the page put in front of him.
“Kaoru! I was wondering when you’d get here.”
“Well, it was kind of a long wait.” Kaoru craned his neck in the direction of the line.
Kyo laughed. “Come, sit down, keep me company.” He moved the table so that the taller man could slip behind it, receiving strange looks from the store security guards. “Thanks for coming.” He said as Kaoru pulled up a chair a bit behind him, so he looked more like a personal bodyguard then a friend.
Kyo felt more relaxed with Kaoru behind him even though the dark haired man was just sitting and silently reading the book he had scribbled his signature on.
The next hour or so was a blur, all the people seemed to blend together, all the questions and conversations seemed to be the same.
“Hello.” Kyo said as a hand slid a book across the table to him. He was still keeping his head down, even though his neck was starting to ache slightly.
“Hi Kyo.” The blond opened the cover and began to sign when he stopped frowning. Most of his fans didn’t know his real name, only his pen name.
“Do I know you?” He asked slowly as he finished writing and closed the book.
“You wrote a book about me actually.” It wasn’t what he said but the voice he said it in that was enough to make Kyo look up.
His eyes widened and he pushed his chair away from the table. Kyo felt his black marker slip from between his fingers and he quickly stood up.
“Holy Shit.” Kaoru’s voice came from behind him and he heard the hard cover book hit the ground.
Kyo didn’t need to see the way his hand clenched the top of the table to know that his knuckles had turned white. He didn’t need to see himself to know he was trembling and he didn’t need to breathe to know it hurt. He didn’t need to blink to know his heart had just shattered in pieces before everyone else’s eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Kaoru had moved to his side and gently put a hand firmly on his back to help keep him standing.
“I came to see Kyo.” The man shrugged and brushed his hair from his eyes. “I read the book.” He paused and wet his lips lightly with his tongue, an old habit of his Kyo noted. “I’ve read all of them actually.”
“And that give you a reason to come here?” Kaoru demanded slamming his fist on the table.
“Considering he wrote it about me, I think it’s a very good reason.”
“Who-who said it was about you?” Kyo finally found his voice and was surprised at the agony, the anger, it was laced with despite it only being a whisper.
The taller man turned to him and their eyes met over the table, making the blond freeze all over again.
“I know you Kyo. I know you wanted this, you wanted to see me, so I came.” He paused, flipping his hair in the process. “Don’t act like you hate me, I know that’s not the case. How about I treat you to dinner tonight?” He smiled like nothing was the matter, like they were best friends or something.
“You can’t just walk back into my life and pretend that makes everything better!” Kyo pushed himself away from the table and ran from the store. No one tried to stop him, and he doubted anyone had expected his reaction. He didn’t even think he did. He didn’t look back when he reached the corner and slowed to a walk before realizing he had forgotten his bag and all his belongings. Even though he knew Kaoru would most likely grab them for him, he took the back alley, knowing there was a back door there he could hopefully sneak into.
As he rounded the corner, still blinking back the tears in his eyes, the ones he had been holding back for years, he felt himself collide with someone.
“You seem to have a habit of running into people Kyo.” He didn’t need to look up to see who the voice belonged to.
“Let me go.” The blond put his hands on the taller mans chest and tried to push him away but the redhead wrapped his arms tighter around him.
“Tell me you don’t still love me.”
“I don’t love you.”
“You don’t?” The other man lowered his head so that Kyo could feel his breath ghosting on his forehead. “Are you sure? Is that why you wrote that book? Because you were over me? Or so you could pretend to be?”
“Die…” Kyo couldn’t believe that he let the name slide past his lips. “Don’t.”
“Are you telling me that you haven’t thought of me? Not once in the past six years? That I don’t cross your thoughts at least once a day? Fuck Kyo. You can’t tell me that, cause I know it’s a lie, because I’ve thought of you more then that!”
“Please…” Kyo whimpered as the taller man titled his chin up so he could see the tears that had spilled from his eyes and were falling down his cheeks.
“I can’t live without you Kyo. I never could. And I know that you can’t live without me.”
Kyo opened his mouth wanting to get away, not wanting to fall, not wanting to give in to his heart that was still beating some how despite being in pieces again, despite always having been in pieces. But before he had a chance to get anything past his lips he felt the other man’s press against his own.
Sometimes we are most scared of getting what we desire, mostly because of the fear of losing it. Just thinking about what we would do if we lost everything is enough to make most people close their eyes and continue on with their lives, pretending to be happy with what they have.
Well, I have lost you and I know the pain, the heartbreak and hopelessness that came with it. If you walked back into my life right now, I don’t know if I would take you back.
But I don’t know if I would have the guts, have the will to say no, to push you away.
I don’t think I could live if I lost you twice in one lifetime, but I don’t think I could live if I let go of your hand again.
Author: xlostheavenx
Genre: AU, fluff, angst, romance, smut, etc.
Part: 2/4? (it got longer)
Ratings: PG16-NC17
Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: DiexKyo
Synopsis: In so many ways I am ashamed to still want you, even after you broke me.
Maybe that’s what you wanted all along, to break me so you could put me back together, just to make sure you had all of me.
Disclaimer: Don’t own…
Comments: Here is part 2, hope you all like it. Thank you to everyone who read and/or commented on the last part, it all meant a lot to me! And this part is also extra special cause it’s Die’s birthday today lol ^^ Hope you all like it! <3
.:. Part 1.:.
**-The parts in italics are from Kyo’s writing. They can also be looked at as his thoughts. -**
The days seemed to blend together, even though with everything Kyo was busier then ever. Between meetings with his agent and the interviews that his publishing company had set up to promote the new book, he felt like he always had some where to be, even if he could never figure out where that place was. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what that place was.
Between all of his appointments in the last few weeks Kyo had managed to hang out with Kaoru a few times and had even seen a few of his other friends. Now it was the day before his book was set to release and he was on his way to Kaoru’s apartment for the party the older man had been planning.
The sun had set but the sky was still a light blue slowly fading to black. The streetlights had just come on and Kyo walked into the small convenience store about a block away from Kaoru’s to pick up a pack of smokes. He had quit some time ago, but he figured if he was going to be at the party all night he would need something to keep him sane.
Inside he got into line after a taller man whose cell phone rang just as Kyo stepped up behind him.
“Moshi moshi?”
Kyo did his best not to listen to the other man’s conversation but as he stepped forward and made his request for cigarettes Kyo frowned.
“No, it’s Daisuke. Who else would it be?” The man continued as Kyo reached into his pocket to pull out his wallet.
He heard the man in front of him thank the clerk and Kyo’s fingers fumbled on the bills he was going through. He knew that voice, even though it had been too long to remember the last time he heard it clearly, the familiarity of it made his heart jump and chilled him to the bone in the same instant.
His head snapped up and he turned as the door closed behind the man.
“How can I help you?” The young man at the counter asked as Kyo stared at the retreating jacket, now doubting what he had heard, or what he had thought he heard. Shaking his head Kyo went to the counter and got his smokes before leaving and heading to Kaoru’s.
I’ve heard that time can heal all wounds. I’m not sure if that is true or not. I think time is a funny thing. I think that it can make wounds better, even if it can’t heal them completely. I think that I can make them deeper as well, or leave them as scars.
I know for me, this scar, these scars will always be with me, just like I’m getting used to being alone. I think in some ways I have always been alone. I still have questions but what time has given is the knowledge that I don’t have to know the answers to them.
Even after all these years, even after all of the scenario I have gone through in my head, I still wonder what you have done with you life.
I can almost picture sitting down with you, now that we’re both grown up and leading our own lives, and having a cup of coffee. Laughing at old memories and being able to smile again.
I can almost see a ring on your finger and imagine the kind of job you have and I know that it wouldn’t be like that.
As much as I hate to admit it, I know that I am not over you and if I did see you again all the scars I have won’t just be faint lines on my skin, but would be reopened cuts for the world to see.
If you knew that I would spend my life thinking about you, wondering about you, not being able to love anyone because I loved you, would you have made the same decisions?
Would you still have left without saying goodbye?
Kyo leaned against the wall behind him and laughed at some joke he had heard. His eyes traveled around the room. Most people had already left since it was getting late and Kyo was happy with that because he was getting sick and tired of people congratulating him without reading the book.
His book, his story. He would never admit it, but he was connected to those words more then anything else. They were all that he had when it came down to it. They were all he had to remind himself what was real.
Kaoru was standing next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Hey Kyo?”
“Hey Kaoru.” Kyo turned to the taller man.
“What’s on your mind?” Kaoru led him away from the crowd. “You haven’t been yourself all night.”
Kyo sighed. “You know I’m not one for parties.” He shrugged.
“You know you’re lying.” The dark haired man raised an eyebrow.
The blond bit his bottom lip. “Do you remember…”
Kaoru’s eyes widened. “You’re not thinking about him are you?”
“No.” Kyo paused. “No, well I haven’t been, anymore then usual anyways…but today…when I was at the store, I thought…but I’m just being stupid. It just shook me up a bit is all.” He forced a smile.
“Are you sure you’re alright.” Kaoru asked as they moved back towards the party.
“I am. Sometimes it still hurts, but you learn to live with that. At least I have.” Kyo swallowed. “Thanks for the party Kao.”
“Anytime.” The older man smiled. “So when is this big book signing of yours?”
“Next weekend.” Kyo nodded. “Are you coming?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
Kyo watched as Kaoru walked away and sat down on the couch. Kaoru’s apartment was near the top of the building and looking out the window he had a good view of the downtown skyline, much better then the view he had from his place.
Kyo rolled the drink in his hands and smiled to himself, even though he lived with an empty feeling in his chest he could still be happy.
At least he was getting good enough at fooling himself that he could be. At least he was aware of that, he thought.
As children we make wishes; on birthday cakes, on time, on stars. At first we might wish for little things; new toys, friendships, grades. Then as we get older we don’t just wish for a new bike but for love, getting a boyfriend or girlfriend, winning some sort of prize or just having your name known.
I think that prayers are like wishes. The things we only dare to say to the silent walls and in darkened rooms. The things we’re ashamed to still want.
I think dreams too are like prayers and wishes, except they show us what we really want, the things that we’re too proud, too reluctant to even consider admitting that we want. The things that maybe we’re not even aware of.
On the nights I dream of you, I always wake up feeling worse then I did in my dreams. Because even when I’m happy in them, I know that it’s not real. There is always something telling me that this is not how it is, even if it is how it’s supposed to be.
Even though as we grow up, we don’t wish as much, we don’t pray as much, and if we do, we keep it as secret as what we are wanting.
In so many ways I am ashamed to still want you, even after you broke me.
Maybe that’s what you wanted all along, to break me so you could put me back together, just to make sure you had all of me.
Kyo watched the scene on the back of his eyelids, knowing that it was something that he didn’t want to see, but there was nothing he could do about it. He never could.
He could see himself and he could feel what it he could see even though he knew it wasn’t happening, it wasn’t real. The small soft kisses being trailed down his jaw and ending on his lips, the feel of the fingertips light dancing over his skin.
He could see the others eyes burning into his own and feel his breath tickling his skin, making it burn and his heart jump.
He could feel the soft cotton sheets beneath him and the warm blanket being pulled over him as the others arm encircled him.
“I love you Kyo.” The lips touched his temple. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.”
The voice in his head was enough to properly wake him and Kyo sat straight up in bed, his hair plastered his forehead and his body shaking. He breathed in deeply and buried his head in his hands in an effort to stop the tears that had sprung to his eyes.
Regaining some of his composer he leaned back slightly and let his eyes travel around his dark bedroom. He was alone, just like he was when he went to sleep. The room was far too different from the one in his dream to even be confused with it, but all the same he felt something pull at his heart.
His eyes fell on his alarm clock, it was just before five in the morning, which meant his book was coming out in about an hour, when the first shops that carried it would open.
He groaned and fell back against his pillows.
“Why today?” He asked to no one in particular, there was no one there to hear him anyways, there never was when he woke up after these dreams. They had become fewer and fewer as time passed, but they still had the same effect on him.
The voice, so old, and yet so new, echoed in his ears and across the empty room. Outside the sun was just beginning to rise, he could tell by the way the soft line of light appeared over top of his curtains. It was too early but even as he got comfortable again he doubted whatever sleep would come to him would be restful.
He reached his arm behind him and felt the other side of the mattress but it remained cold, like usual. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, whether or not he actually believed that one day some sort of ghost like presence would come to warm it, to hold him, to be with him, to love him.
He curled back up into a ball and sighed as he closed his eyes, deciding it was better to ignore the stabbing pain in his chest that after so long he had learned to live with. He had become used to distancing himself from his feelings, but seeing those emotions so alive again in his dreams, was enough to allow them to take a hold of his heart again, even it was only when he was at his most vulnerable.
To remind him that he wasn’t free, that he couldn’t forget. To remind him that he was still human and that his heart hadn’t let go.
We are all searching for something in life. It takes time and a lot of effort to figure out exactly what you want. Some people want money, some recognition. Fortune, fame, happiness, they are all popular choices. They’re all something that you can work your whole life to obtain, but you might miss it along the way.
Others search for love, which might be more stupid then all the rest, or it might be the only thing worth looking for.
Of course what happens when you find that one thing that you’ve been trying to obtain. Most people don’t know what to do with it, at first they are happy, then they try to ruin it because they don’t trust that it’s real. They reject what they don’t know, even if it is what they desired.
People make mistakes, they end relationships, they mess up their businesses or lie to their friends, in some effort to test what they have been given and in the end they usually push it too far and end up losing everything.
But there are also the people who recognize what they have and they hold on to it, they treasure it and protect it with all they have. And they end up happy, they end up being fulfilled.
Then, there are those who get what they want and try as they might to hold on to it, to keep it close to their heart, it ends up sliding through their fingers. It ends up being taken away from them and they are left emptier then ever before.
I know that I was a fool, and I accept that. I knew that when you search for love you end up getting hurt. But I suppose that even though I knew that, I was just as stupid as the rest of them, maybe not, but thinking that just because I did everything I could I would have you forever, that you would always be at my side, made me worse.
Because sometimes trying is not enough, sometimes, it takes more then all the effort, all the love, all the happiness in the world to keep something.
Now, I don’t think it was love that made me happy, that made me feel fulfilled, but you. You completed me.
Knowing that in all my years that you were the only thing that made me feel like I had nothing else to look for makes me wonder why I don’t look for you now. Why I seem to have given up hope of ever feeling that way again and why I don’t care.
Maybe it’s because knowing what I have lost, I don’t want to settle for anything less. I don’t want to have to search, because I know that that search would be useless.
Even if I wanted to find you, you would never let me, you’d make me make sure you could find me.
Kyo leaned back in his chair and stretched. He had been sitting in the bookstore for the last two hours and his line of fans didn’t seem to be getting any shorter. He sighed and continued signing.
Most of his fans were in their late teens, and girls. He didn’t know how many times he had heard them squeal their adorations behind bangs and flushed cheeks, so he had taken to keeping his head down and nodding as they talked.
It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to meet the people who read his books, but he was too attached this story to care about what some school girl thought it was about.
“Hey Kyo.”
The blond looked up his marker already hovering above the page put in front of him.
“Kaoru! I was wondering when you’d get here.”
“Well, it was kind of a long wait.” Kaoru craned his neck in the direction of the line.
Kyo laughed. “Come, sit down, keep me company.” He moved the table so that the taller man could slip behind it, receiving strange looks from the store security guards. “Thanks for coming.” He said as Kaoru pulled up a chair a bit behind him, so he looked more like a personal bodyguard then a friend.
Kyo felt more relaxed with Kaoru behind him even though the dark haired man was just sitting and silently reading the book he had scribbled his signature on.
The next hour or so was a blur, all the people seemed to blend together, all the questions and conversations seemed to be the same.
“Hello.” Kyo said as a hand slid a book across the table to him. He was still keeping his head down, even though his neck was starting to ache slightly.
“Hi Kyo.” The blond opened the cover and began to sign when he stopped frowning. Most of his fans didn’t know his real name, only his pen name.
“Do I know you?” He asked slowly as he finished writing and closed the book.
“You wrote a book about me actually.” It wasn’t what he said but the voice he said it in that was enough to make Kyo look up.
His eyes widened and he pushed his chair away from the table. Kyo felt his black marker slip from between his fingers and he quickly stood up.
“Holy Shit.” Kaoru’s voice came from behind him and he heard the hard cover book hit the ground.
Kyo didn’t need to see the way his hand clenched the top of the table to know that his knuckles had turned white. He didn’t need to see himself to know he was trembling and he didn’t need to breathe to know it hurt. He didn’t need to blink to know his heart had just shattered in pieces before everyone else’s eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Kaoru had moved to his side and gently put a hand firmly on his back to help keep him standing.
“I came to see Kyo.” The man shrugged and brushed his hair from his eyes. “I read the book.” He paused and wet his lips lightly with his tongue, an old habit of his Kyo noted. “I’ve read all of them actually.”
“And that give you a reason to come here?” Kaoru demanded slamming his fist on the table.
“Considering he wrote it about me, I think it’s a very good reason.”
“Who-who said it was about you?” Kyo finally found his voice and was surprised at the agony, the anger, it was laced with despite it only being a whisper.
The taller man turned to him and their eyes met over the table, making the blond freeze all over again.
“I know you Kyo. I know you wanted this, you wanted to see me, so I came.” He paused, flipping his hair in the process. “Don’t act like you hate me, I know that’s not the case. How about I treat you to dinner tonight?” He smiled like nothing was the matter, like they were best friends or something.
“You can’t just walk back into my life and pretend that makes everything better!” Kyo pushed himself away from the table and ran from the store. No one tried to stop him, and he doubted anyone had expected his reaction. He didn’t even think he did. He didn’t look back when he reached the corner and slowed to a walk before realizing he had forgotten his bag and all his belongings. Even though he knew Kaoru would most likely grab them for him, he took the back alley, knowing there was a back door there he could hopefully sneak into.
As he rounded the corner, still blinking back the tears in his eyes, the ones he had been holding back for years, he felt himself collide with someone.
“You seem to have a habit of running into people Kyo.” He didn’t need to look up to see who the voice belonged to.
“Let me go.” The blond put his hands on the taller mans chest and tried to push him away but the redhead wrapped his arms tighter around him.
“Tell me you don’t still love me.”
“I don’t love you.”
“You don’t?” The other man lowered his head so that Kyo could feel his breath ghosting on his forehead. “Are you sure? Is that why you wrote that book? Because you were over me? Or so you could pretend to be?”
“Die…” Kyo couldn’t believe that he let the name slide past his lips. “Don’t.”
“Are you telling me that you haven’t thought of me? Not once in the past six years? That I don’t cross your thoughts at least once a day? Fuck Kyo. You can’t tell me that, cause I know it’s a lie, because I’ve thought of you more then that!”
“Please…” Kyo whimpered as the taller man titled his chin up so he could see the tears that had spilled from his eyes and were falling down his cheeks.
“I can’t live without you Kyo. I never could. And I know that you can’t live without me.”
Kyo opened his mouth wanting to get away, not wanting to fall, not wanting to give in to his heart that was still beating some how despite being in pieces again, despite always having been in pieces. But before he had a chance to get anything past his lips he felt the other man’s press against his own.
Sometimes we are most scared of getting what we desire, mostly because of the fear of losing it. Just thinking about what we would do if we lost everything is enough to make most people close their eyes and continue on with their lives, pretending to be happy with what they have.
Well, I have lost you and I know the pain, the heartbreak and hopelessness that came with it. If you walked back into my life right now, I don’t know if I would take you back.
But I don’t know if I would have the guts, have the will to say no, to push you away.
I don’t think I could live if I lost you twice in one lifetime, but I don’t think I could live if I let go of your hand again.