Somehow this fits my mood right now.

[kurukami]

Over at metaquotes, there's been some venting about dating being like interviewing for a job that seems quite apropos to me right at the moment. I had to throw in my perspective, though, given that a lot of the commenters seemed to be having a blast shooting napalm at guys in general.

Here's the thing: that blade cuts both ways, you know?

Oh, sure,

Comments

[carey_pontmercy]

I wasn't bashing guys in general. Nobody on that thread was bashing guys in general. We were bashing guys who are dishonest about their intentions and try to insinuate their way into a romantic relationship via friendship, or guys who expect women to read their minds, or guys who won't take "no" for an answer, or guys who think that women are obligated to be attracted to them because they display basic human decency. Not all guys are like that.

(Sorry if it's weird that I followed you here from metaquotes.)

[kurukami]

It's not weird. Don't worry about it.

*shrug* The "fucking nice guys" comment just set me off. It's not that I think women are obligated to be attracted to guys if they display basic human decency, not at all. It's just some personal cynicism attached to recent and not-so-recent relationship angst.

That, and seeing shallow asshole co-workers manage to be wildly successful at romantic pursuits, while the quiet, somewhat honorable "nice guys" like myself who will take no for an answer, who will accept being just friends, and who respect a woman's choices as her own get bypassed time and time again.

(Plus, like interviewing for a job, the longer you're unemployed, the more you believe potential "employers" think there must be something wrong with you for being unemployed so long. Wow, this analogy goes everywhere, doesn't it? *grin* )

[primless]

They said "fucking 'nice' guys". With quotations around "nice". That usually implies that they aren't talking about regular nice guys.

Your defensiveness is seriously misplaced. I'm really, really sick of the poor, martyred Nice Guy (TM), for a lot of the reasons listed here. I'm not saying you're one of them (because I really don't think you are), but this whole post reeks of that attitude

[primless]

*You wouldn't want to date someone because they were available instead of dating someone who excited you, and you shouldn't expect that of other people either. No matter how nice they may be.

[starcat_jewel]

FWIW, I would really like to meet with you FTF sometime. I can't see anything from here that would ping any alarm bells for the average woman, but as you note, text-only communication loses a lot of nuance. You do seem to be a genuinely nice guy, and I have a streak of Male Answer Syndrome that makes me want to try to help you when you express frustration about this.

Also, I'm sorry I went off on you on that other post. The whole "I wish I could figure out the rules for women" thing is rather a hot button for me. I see it as being a little like racism -- if you don't want to be perceived as racist, don't use racist tropes; if you don't want to be perceived as a NiceGuy, don't use NiceGuy tropes, and that's one of the big ones. But I don't really think you're like that, and I should have phrased my response differently.

primless has a good point about expanding your social circle. That's one of the reasons I keep prodding you about going to cons! Fannish people are much more likely to find compatible friends and/or potential partners in a

[kurukami]

It's OK. Both you and primless, and my other female acquaintances, often offer a great deal of epiphany and insight, which gods know I'm occasionally lacking in. : ) (Shakabuku. Seriously.)

Contradancing.... we-e-e-e-ell, maybe. I have a horrendous phobia of dancing which comes back to my perfectionism and a deep-seated certainty that people will start laughing at me stumbling about on a dance floor. I was thinking maybe of taking classes in improv comedy or the like down Boston-way.

That, and taking recent poker winnings and plowing them into, say, courses at a rock-climbing gym. Climbing's a hobby I've enjoyed since I was a kid and could, at least in a gym, be semi-social.

Finally... *shrug* My most recent crush did, at least, let me down easy. *grin* And I'd been getting the feeling that my romantic feelings weren't reciprocated for a while, since we'd been interacting via FB messages for some time. It wasn't a big shock or surprise, more of a "Huh. Well, yeah. *wistful sigh* "

Contradancing, huh? *googles*

[anotherdave]

The ladies have a point -- What did I always tell you about getting out of the house

[kurukami]

Destroy my worldview? Hah! I've always thought you were more charismatic than me, dude. : )

And yes, pushing my own boundaries is what I hope to try in the months ahead.