fic: inhale, exhale
Title: Inhale, Exhale (1/1)
Author: rockinhamburger
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: In the lead-up to Kurt's impending graduation, their kisses begin to ache instead of soothe.
Warnings: Angst.
Spoilers: For everything.
Word Count: 2,700.
Author's Note: I've been sitting on this for a few weeks feeling anxious about it. Time to share.
Feedback is ♥
Blaine can remember so many long hours of exchanging very slow and yet exciting kisses, and eventually almost urgent, desperate ones that were a preface to their exploration of deepest intimacy, but suddenly all of that is gone and there's just this aching pain in the press of their lips.
In the lead-up to Kurt's impending graduation, their kisses begin to ache instead of soothe. Blaine can remember so many long hours of exchanging very slow and yet exciting kisses, and eventually almost urgent, desperate ones that were a preface to their exploration of deepest intimacy, but suddenly all of that is gone and there's just this aching pain in the press of their lips.
It's all a little too much to think about because it's obvious to Blaine--and because Kurt's terrifyingly intelligent he's sure it's obvious to Kurt as well--that they are on the precipice of breaking up.
But Kurt won't say it. There are moments, usually during those aching kisses, that Kurt will look at him, eyes brimming with tears, and Blaine will wait--body still with devastating comprehension and anticipation--for Kurt to say, "It's over, isn't it?" Except he doesn't. Every time, Kurt merely sighs and brings up another subject. Blaine's sure they're both thinking it, but that Kurt can't bring himself to verbalize that their relationship--their wonderful, genuine, loving, perfect even in its flaws relationship--has reached its end. And so Blaine wrangles whatever courage he apparently has within him and takes on the responsibility.
"It's over, isn't it?" he asks when Kurt gives him that look again. Kurt's just showed Blaine his official New York apartment lease, the one he co-signed with his dad, and with Rachel and her dads.
Kurt ducks his head, and Blaine watches that horrible lone tear cling to his eyelash before rolling down his cheek. He wants so very much to wipe it away, to try to remove Kurt's pain the way he's become accustomed to over the last year, but they're breaking up and that's not going to be his job anymore.
Kurt is graduating in one month, armed with a well-deserved admission to NYADA and a place to live in New York City, and the truth is that Blaine has to let him go, because isn't that what they always say? If you love someone, let him go, and if he comes back...
But Kurt won't come back.
"Yes," Kurt whispers.
Blaine will be in Ohio for another year, and it's just not fair for him to stand in the way of Kurt experiencing everything New York City has to offer.
Besides, they're teenagers. They have their whole lives ahead of them; what are the odds they're going to make it anyway? 50% of relationships end, isn't that the statistic now?
And above all, Kurt is destined for greatness. Blaine won't hold him back or tether him to a single tie in a town he hates.
Blaine is just not that selfish.
He doesn't say any of that, though. He says, "I'm glad you were my first."
There is a lot he doesn't say but that is essentially what it all boils down to. Kurt was his first real friend, his first boyfriend, his first love. His first everything.
Kurt says, "I'm glad you were my first, too." Then he stands up and walks to his wardrobe, his strong back to Blaine, shoulders shaking.
Blaine takes it as the sign it is: it's time for him to let go. It's time to start moving on, to start healing, to start a Kurt-less chapter of his book.
They don't hug or kiss goodbye. He doesn't remind Kurt that he'd once told Blaine he'd never say goodbye to him. He doesn't say he loves Kurt, even though he does, loves him so much it hurts.
He just leaves. And just like that it's over.
-
Blaine does not sleep at all that night. Not a wink.
-
When Blaine has allowed himself to consider their break up, he has generally assumed the worst part would be having to sit in the same room as Kurt without being with Kurt. And that part is shit, it absolutely is, but it's not the worst. The worst part is how everyone else takes the news, which is to say badly.
Kurt makes the announcement right before rehearsal, and Blaine is grateful because there is no way he could have said it.
"Blaine and I have broken up. We've decided it's for the best, and we'd appreciate if you could all respect that."
(The thing is, they definitely did not say anything like that, but it's so true that it's almost like Kurt read Blaine's mind.)
"What!?" Finn looks almost comical in his disbelief; Blaine would laugh is he wasn't hurting so much. "Are you kidding, Kurt?"
"Yes," Kurt snaps. "Hilarious, isn't it?"
"Wait," Puck says, "You can't break up, you guys are legit."
"Why?" Tina gasps, looking about as heartbroken as Blaine feels, which is quite the feat. "Why would you do something so horrible?"
"Because it's over," Blaine mutters.
Rachel starts to cry. "But we were going to tackle New York together! You were part of the plan," she appeals to Blaine.
"There is no plan, Rachel," he tries to tell her, gently, but she just cries harder and stomps out of rehearsal. And they're going to Nationals in three weeks, so that's significant.
Mike gives them a disarmingly-adult and weary-sad look. Quinn's out of character with a look of complete devastation, and then there's Artie sitting next to her, who says he thinks they're crazy by expression alone.
Mr Schuester adjourns practice after another few minutes of very lackluster attempts at rehearsing. Perhaps he can see how affected everyone is right now, how useless they'd be today if he tried to keep things going.
On her way out, Brittany says to both of them, softly, "It's not really over, you know."
Kurt glances over at Blaine as she walks sadly from the room. Blaine can't afford to analyze it right now, so he just looks down and listens to the click of Kurt's boots as he leaves the room too.
As everyone files out, Mr Schuester approaches Blaine where he's packing his bag with uncoordinated movements. Blaine keeps his eyes downcast, but he can see the tops of his teacher's shoes, and when he finally does look up Mr Schuester's just standing there like he's waiting for Blaine to break down or something.
Blaine keeps it together for all of ten seconds before his body crumples, and then he's sobbing uncontrollably. Mr Schuester pulls him into an enormous hug and says, hoarsely, "It gets easier, I promise."
It's the interaction he should be able to have with his dad. It's the thing his dad should be assuring him of, and not his spanish teacher and glee club adviser.
But it will just have to suffice.
-
Mercedes finds Blaine climbing into his car two days later.
"He's miserable," she tells him. "And you're miserable, too, so why are you doing this to yourselves? To each other?"
Blaine gets angry. "It's not like that, okay Mercedes?" he snaps. "We are not doing anything to each other, this is just... the way life goes, and it is not that simple."
Mercedes shakes her head. "I just don't get it."
"You will when you fall in love," Blaine says bitterly, and he shuts his car door and drives away because his body is shaking too much to keep talking to his ex-boyfriend's best friend.
-
"You're both idiots!" Santana shouts in the middle of rehearsal.
-
He drops by Kurt's house when he knows Kurt won't be there. Carole answers the door and pulls him into her warm embrace. Then she sits him down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and places herself across from Blaine.
She sighs and starts with: "Being mature sucks, huh?"
"So much," Blaine croaks, throat wrecked from the many emotions he's been experiencing all week.
"Blaine, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Kurt, okay?" she says sweetly, leaning forward. Blaine fixes his attention on her like she's salvation. "You and Kurt," she says, and Blaine's heart cries, "you found each other early, so you're having to learn the tough lessons earlier than most. And the thing about first loves is that you will never hurt like that again. It's a blessing and a curse, because you'll never quite love like that again, and I know it doesn't make sense or sound that comforting right now but you'll see what I mean one day. Love will never hurt this much again."
On his way out, Burt meets him in the entrance way and pulls him into the strongest hug Blaine's been treated to since he was a child. He doesn't say a word, just hugs him, clear his throat, and pats him companionably on the shoulder.
The message is clear: there's nothing that can be said that will make this better or easier.
Blaine cries the whole way home.
~*~
Blaine mopes in his room for the first two weeks of June. He starts trying to live his life after that, but he can't go anywhere without thinking about something Kurt once said or did, so Blaine goes to the Lima Bean and tortures himself with the memories the place holds for him.
Kurt moves to New York with Rachel in early July; Blaine finds out because Finn, who decided to stay in Ohio to apprentice at Burt's shop, tells him when he stops by hoping to see Kurt on a really low day.
Finn shows remarkable insight when he seems to understand, without explanation, precisely why Blaine's there.
"He's gone already," Finn tells him, sounding genuinely sad about it. "But I'm sure he'd want you to call him if you've got something important on your mind."
Blaine shakes his head. "It doesn't work like that, Finn."
"Uh, no offense, dude," Finn intones, "but I'm pretty sure there isn't one way things work."
-
Blaine's never getting over Kurt, he's sure of it.
-
August is the worst by far. He deactivates his facebook account on August 29th, but for the prior dates in that month Blaine is an idiot who stalks his ex. On facebook, for god's sake; he's such a cliche.
Kurt Hummel is about to destroy Rachel Berry's karaoke machine.
Kurt Hummel Don't get me wrong, I love New York. But I am craving Breadstix like you wouldn't believe.
Kurt Hummel and Logan Lysander are now friends.
Kurt Hummel I <3 NY!
Kurt Hummel Where can I get a decent cup of coffee in New York??
Tina's pissed at him for deleting his account, but Blaine ignores her annoyed text because he knows he did the right thing. He can't just delete Kurt from his life (even if it's just his facebook life), but he also can't get over Kurt if he's going to spend all his time reading status updates about Kurt's new life without Blaine.
Plus it's creepy.
-
It takes the entire summer to stop thinking I should text Kurt; he needs to hear this, and to stop feeling like there's something amiss in his life every night when he doesn't call Kurt to say Sweet dreams.
Despite the really low points, Blaine goes into his senior year at McKinley feeling passably human.
He thinks maybe he can get over Kurt after all.
~*~
September. Tina gives the members of New Directions the various details of Kurt and Rachel's lives in New York on a regular, practically daily basis. So even though Blaine doesn't have facebook anymore it still feels like he does.
Blaine pretends he isn't hanging on her every word.
October. Blaine sees Burt and Carole at the mall in Lima and literally runs in the other direction.
Blaine sends out his university applications.
November. Blaine realizes he's stopped imagining Kurt's colourful commentary to every single New Directions mishap. It still hits him when someone says something super dumb, but it isn't all the time anymore, and that's a big step in the right direction.
December (5th to be exact). Blaine doesn't think about Kurt once all day. Of course, he spends most of the following day thinking about how he didn't think about Kurt, so he's not sure it counts as progress. But it still feels like progress.
He doesn't go to any New Directions parties over Christmas break because he knows without a doubt that he simply cannot handle seeing Kurt after so many months of not.
January (3rd to be precise). Blaine gets a voicemail from an unfamiliar number on his phone.
"Hi Blaine, it's Kurt. I'm sorry to call you like this, but I didn't see you when I was in Lima over the break, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you okay? I-- I hope you're okay."
Okay, so:
1) Kurt absolutely did not need to say it was him; Blaine heard that voice every day of the nineteen best, most important months of his life.
2) Kurt sounds so good, so pleasant. A little worried maybe, which makes Blaine's heart pang with stupid hope, but he sounds painfully content.
3) Why would Kurt do that? Just when Blaine's finally getting over him...
But Blaine knows he's a fool to think he was getting over Kurt just because of a couple changes in routine. He's nowhere near close to getting over the best thing he ever had, and he suspects he probably never will based on the fact that he listens to the voicemail twenty times in three days and refuses to delete it, even though he never returns the call and Kurt doesn't call back again.
February. Blaine goes to Scandals by himself and hooks up with a random stranger. They exchange handjobs in the backseat of Blaine's car, Blaine's eyes shut against the flood of want that doesn't even really feel like want but desperate loneliness.
He feels utterly ashamed the next morning. He feels dirty and wrong, even though he knows it's nothing to be ashamed of, really.
The scariest part is that the only thing that held him back from going further was what Kurt might say if he ever found out.
He feels so ashamed.
March. Blaine stands up in front of his glee club and sings:
Gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
In hope that you'd find the missing piece
To bring you back to me...
April. Blaine gets an acceptance letter from every school he sent an application to. Each and every one. Blaine ignores his dad's pointed hints about California.
There's only one city for him.
~*~
On June 1st, Blaine walks into Burt's tire shop with his heart somewhere down by his ankles, and maybe that's why his legs feel weighted down with lead. Kurt's sitting on a chair with his feet propped up on his dad's worktable, and it's such a non-Kurt way to sit that Blaine stops dead in his tracks. God, how much has Kurt changed in one year?
Kurt looks up and over and gasps.
Shaking and ignoring how crazy it is that he hasn't seen Kurt in almost a year to the day, Blaine says, "I need to say something."
Kurt just gapes at him, eyes round and gorgeous.
"Last year," Blaine rasps out, "I asked you if we were over, and you said yes. But I didn't want us to be over, I just thought it was for the best. I thought it--it would be selfish to keep you here, even if it was just in your headspace. I--I thought maybe you secretly wanted to move to New York without anything holding you back, and that maybe you were probably better off without me. I thought you'd break-up with me at some point anyway, so why delay the inevitable?" Blaine sniffs, tears streaming, but oh who cares! "God, I thought so many things, Kurt."
Kurt's legs drop from their perch on the worktable to the floor with a sharp click from his heeled boots as he sits up straight.
"It wasn't what I wanted," Blaine says, tortured, so scared that this is going to backfire on him. "It was what I thought would be for the best, and I have spent all year regretting it. I feel physically sick every time I think about it, which is way too often because we ended things last year. I should be over you by now, but I'm just not. I can't get over you, Kurt, no matter what or how hard I try."
"We used to be proponents of honesty," Blaine forges on, barely able to keep looking at his ex-boyfriend, "so here's the truth: I feel like shit every moment I'm not with you. And I'm going to New York this summer, so if there is any possibility that you haven't moved on, any chance you still love me, that you still want me, that you maybe missed me this year... I'm here to tell you that nothing in my life feels right without you in it."
Kurt's chair topples over in his haste to get over to Blaine. He's throwing himself into Blaine's waiting arms before Blaine's even finished speaking.
Blaine feels like he's in shock. He thinks, dimly, that he's hugging Kurt back but he's not even sure about that. He's in shock.
"New York is just another city when you're not there," Kurt says through his tears.
It feels like Blaine has been holding his breath for the past year. It feels so blessedly, staggeringly, magnificently good to be able to breathe again.
~*~
Author: rockinhamburger
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: In the lead-up to Kurt's impending graduation, their kisses begin to ache instead of soothe.
Warnings: Angst.
Spoilers: For everything.
Word Count: 2,700.
Author's Note: I've been sitting on this for a few weeks feeling anxious about it. Time to share.
Feedback is ♥
Blaine can remember so many long hours of exchanging very slow and yet exciting kisses, and eventually almost urgent, desperate ones that were a preface to their exploration of deepest intimacy, but suddenly all of that is gone and there's just this aching pain in the press of their lips.
In the lead-up to Kurt's impending graduation, their kisses begin to ache instead of soothe. Blaine can remember so many long hours of exchanging very slow and yet exciting kisses, and eventually almost urgent, desperate ones that were a preface to their exploration of deepest intimacy, but suddenly all of that is gone and there's just this aching pain in the press of their lips.
It's all a little too much to think about because it's obvious to Blaine--and because Kurt's terrifyingly intelligent he's sure it's obvious to Kurt as well--that they are on the precipice of breaking up.
But Kurt won't say it. There are moments, usually during those aching kisses, that Kurt will look at him, eyes brimming with tears, and Blaine will wait--body still with devastating comprehension and anticipation--for Kurt to say, "It's over, isn't it?" Except he doesn't. Every time, Kurt merely sighs and brings up another subject. Blaine's sure they're both thinking it, but that Kurt can't bring himself to verbalize that their relationship--their wonderful, genuine, loving, perfect even in its flaws relationship--has reached its end. And so Blaine wrangles whatever courage he apparently has within him and takes on the responsibility.
"It's over, isn't it?" he asks when Kurt gives him that look again. Kurt's just showed Blaine his official New York apartment lease, the one he co-signed with his dad, and with Rachel and her dads.
Kurt ducks his head, and Blaine watches that horrible lone tear cling to his eyelash before rolling down his cheek. He wants so very much to wipe it away, to try to remove Kurt's pain the way he's become accustomed to over the last year, but they're breaking up and that's not going to be his job anymore.
Kurt is graduating in one month, armed with a well-deserved admission to NYADA and a place to live in New York City, and the truth is that Blaine has to let him go, because isn't that what they always say? If you love someone, let him go, and if he comes back...
But Kurt won't come back.
"Yes," Kurt whispers.
Blaine will be in Ohio for another year, and it's just not fair for him to stand in the way of Kurt experiencing everything New York City has to offer.
Besides, they're teenagers. They have their whole lives ahead of them; what are the odds they're going to make it anyway? 50% of relationships end, isn't that the statistic now?
And above all, Kurt is destined for greatness. Blaine won't hold him back or tether him to a single tie in a town he hates.
Blaine is just not that selfish.
He doesn't say any of that, though. He says, "I'm glad you were my first."
There is a lot he doesn't say but that is essentially what it all boils down to. Kurt was his first real friend, his first boyfriend, his first love. His first everything.
Kurt says, "I'm glad you were my first, too." Then he stands up and walks to his wardrobe, his strong back to Blaine, shoulders shaking.
Blaine takes it as the sign it is: it's time for him to let go. It's time to start moving on, to start healing, to start a Kurt-less chapter of his book.
They don't hug or kiss goodbye. He doesn't remind Kurt that he'd once told Blaine he'd never say goodbye to him. He doesn't say he loves Kurt, even though he does, loves him so much it hurts.
He just leaves. And just like that it's over.
-
Blaine does not sleep at all that night. Not a wink.
-
When Blaine has allowed himself to consider their break up, he has generally assumed the worst part would be having to sit in the same room as Kurt without being with Kurt. And that part is shit, it absolutely is, but it's not the worst. The worst part is how everyone else takes the news, which is to say badly.
Kurt makes the announcement right before rehearsal, and Blaine is grateful because there is no way he could have said it.
"Blaine and I have broken up. We've decided it's for the best, and we'd appreciate if you could all respect that."
(The thing is, they definitely did not say anything like that, but it's so true that it's almost like Kurt read Blaine's mind.)
"What!?" Finn looks almost comical in his disbelief; Blaine would laugh is he wasn't hurting so much. "Are you kidding, Kurt?"
"Yes," Kurt snaps. "Hilarious, isn't it?"
"Wait," Puck says, "You can't break up, you guys are legit."
"Why?" Tina gasps, looking about as heartbroken as Blaine feels, which is quite the feat. "Why would you do something so horrible?"
"Because it's over," Blaine mutters.
Rachel starts to cry. "But we were going to tackle New York together! You were part of the plan," she appeals to Blaine.
"There is no plan, Rachel," he tries to tell her, gently, but she just cries harder and stomps out of rehearsal. And they're going to Nationals in three weeks, so that's significant.
Mike gives them a disarmingly-adult and weary-sad look. Quinn's out of character with a look of complete devastation, and then there's Artie sitting next to her, who says he thinks they're crazy by expression alone.
Mr Schuester adjourns practice after another few minutes of very lackluster attempts at rehearsing. Perhaps he can see how affected everyone is right now, how useless they'd be today if he tried to keep things going.
On her way out, Brittany says to both of them, softly, "It's not really over, you know."
Kurt glances over at Blaine as she walks sadly from the room. Blaine can't afford to analyze it right now, so he just looks down and listens to the click of Kurt's boots as he leaves the room too.
As everyone files out, Mr Schuester approaches Blaine where he's packing his bag with uncoordinated movements. Blaine keeps his eyes downcast, but he can see the tops of his teacher's shoes, and when he finally does look up Mr Schuester's just standing there like he's waiting for Blaine to break down or something.
Blaine keeps it together for all of ten seconds before his body crumples, and then he's sobbing uncontrollably. Mr Schuester pulls him into an enormous hug and says, hoarsely, "It gets easier, I promise."
It's the interaction he should be able to have with his dad. It's the thing his dad should be assuring him of, and not his spanish teacher and glee club adviser.
But it will just have to suffice.
-
Mercedes finds Blaine climbing into his car two days later.
"He's miserable," she tells him. "And you're miserable, too, so why are you doing this to yourselves? To each other?"
Blaine gets angry. "It's not like that, okay Mercedes?" he snaps. "We are not doing anything to each other, this is just... the way life goes, and it is not that simple."
Mercedes shakes her head. "I just don't get it."
"You will when you fall in love," Blaine says bitterly, and he shuts his car door and drives away because his body is shaking too much to keep talking to his ex-boyfriend's best friend.
-
"You're both idiots!" Santana shouts in the middle of rehearsal.
-
He drops by Kurt's house when he knows Kurt won't be there. Carole answers the door and pulls him into her warm embrace. Then she sits him down at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and places herself across from Blaine.
She sighs and starts with: "Being mature sucks, huh?"
"So much," Blaine croaks, throat wrecked from the many emotions he's been experiencing all week.
"Blaine, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Kurt, okay?" she says sweetly, leaning forward. Blaine fixes his attention on her like she's salvation. "You and Kurt," she says, and Blaine's heart cries, "you found each other early, so you're having to learn the tough lessons earlier than most. And the thing about first loves is that you will never hurt like that again. It's a blessing and a curse, because you'll never quite love like that again, and I know it doesn't make sense or sound that comforting right now but you'll see what I mean one day. Love will never hurt this much again."
On his way out, Burt meets him in the entrance way and pulls him into the strongest hug Blaine's been treated to since he was a child. He doesn't say a word, just hugs him, clear his throat, and pats him companionably on the shoulder.
The message is clear: there's nothing that can be said that will make this better or easier.
Blaine cries the whole way home.
~*~
Blaine mopes in his room for the first two weeks of June. He starts trying to live his life after that, but he can't go anywhere without thinking about something Kurt once said or did, so Blaine goes to the Lima Bean and tortures himself with the memories the place holds for him.
Kurt moves to New York with Rachel in early July; Blaine finds out because Finn, who decided to stay in Ohio to apprentice at Burt's shop, tells him when he stops by hoping to see Kurt on a really low day.
Finn shows remarkable insight when he seems to understand, without explanation, precisely why Blaine's there.
"He's gone already," Finn tells him, sounding genuinely sad about it. "But I'm sure he'd want you to call him if you've got something important on your mind."
Blaine shakes his head. "It doesn't work like that, Finn."
"Uh, no offense, dude," Finn intones, "but I'm pretty sure there isn't one way things work."
-
Blaine's never getting over Kurt, he's sure of it.
-
August is the worst by far. He deactivates his facebook account on August 29th, but for the prior dates in that month Blaine is an idiot who stalks his ex. On facebook, for god's sake; he's such a cliche.
Kurt Hummel is about to destroy Rachel Berry's karaoke machine.
Kurt Hummel Don't get me wrong, I love New York. But I am craving Breadstix like you wouldn't believe.
Kurt Hummel and Logan Lysander are now friends.
Kurt Hummel I <3 NY!
Kurt Hummel Where can I get a decent cup of coffee in New York??
Tina's pissed at him for deleting his account, but Blaine ignores her annoyed text because he knows he did the right thing. He can't just delete Kurt from his life (even if it's just his facebook life), but he also can't get over Kurt if he's going to spend all his time reading status updates about Kurt's new life without Blaine.
Plus it's creepy.
-
It takes the entire summer to stop thinking I should text Kurt; he needs to hear this, and to stop feeling like there's something amiss in his life every night when he doesn't call Kurt to say Sweet dreams.
Despite the really low points, Blaine goes into his senior year at McKinley feeling passably human.
He thinks maybe he can get over Kurt after all.
~*~
September. Tina gives the members of New Directions the various details of Kurt and Rachel's lives in New York on a regular, practically daily basis. So even though Blaine doesn't have facebook anymore it still feels like he does.
Blaine pretends he isn't hanging on her every word.
October. Blaine sees Burt and Carole at the mall in Lima and literally runs in the other direction.
Blaine sends out his university applications.
November. Blaine realizes he's stopped imagining Kurt's colourful commentary to every single New Directions mishap. It still hits him when someone says something super dumb, but it isn't all the time anymore, and that's a big step in the right direction.
December (5th to be exact). Blaine doesn't think about Kurt once all day. Of course, he spends most of the following day thinking about how he didn't think about Kurt, so he's not sure it counts as progress. But it still feels like progress.
He doesn't go to any New Directions parties over Christmas break because he knows without a doubt that he simply cannot handle seeing Kurt after so many months of not.
January (3rd to be precise). Blaine gets a voicemail from an unfamiliar number on his phone.
"Hi Blaine, it's Kurt. I'm sorry to call you like this, but I didn't see you when I was in Lima over the break, and I wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you okay? I-- I hope you're okay."
Okay, so:
1) Kurt absolutely did not need to say it was him; Blaine heard that voice every day of the nineteen best, most important months of his life.
2) Kurt sounds so good, so pleasant. A little worried maybe, which makes Blaine's heart pang with stupid hope, but he sounds painfully content.
3) Why would Kurt do that? Just when Blaine's finally getting over him...
But Blaine knows he's a fool to think he was getting over Kurt just because of a couple changes in routine. He's nowhere near close to getting over the best thing he ever had, and he suspects he probably never will based on the fact that he listens to the voicemail twenty times in three days and refuses to delete it, even though he never returns the call and Kurt doesn't call back again.
February. Blaine goes to Scandals by himself and hooks up with a random stranger. They exchange handjobs in the backseat of Blaine's car, Blaine's eyes shut against the flood of want that doesn't even really feel like want but desperate loneliness.
He feels utterly ashamed the next morning. He feels dirty and wrong, even though he knows it's nothing to be ashamed of, really.
The scariest part is that the only thing that held him back from going further was what Kurt might say if he ever found out.
He feels so ashamed.
March. Blaine stands up in front of his glee club and sings:
Gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
In hope that you'd find the missing piece
To bring you back to me...
April. Blaine gets an acceptance letter from every school he sent an application to. Each and every one. Blaine ignores his dad's pointed hints about California.
There's only one city for him.
~*~
On June 1st, Blaine walks into Burt's tire shop with his heart somewhere down by his ankles, and maybe that's why his legs feel weighted down with lead. Kurt's sitting on a chair with his feet propped up on his dad's worktable, and it's such a non-Kurt way to sit that Blaine stops dead in his tracks. God, how much has Kurt changed in one year?
Kurt looks up and over and gasps.
Shaking and ignoring how crazy it is that he hasn't seen Kurt in almost a year to the day, Blaine says, "I need to say something."
Kurt just gapes at him, eyes round and gorgeous.
"Last year," Blaine rasps out, "I asked you if we were over, and you said yes. But I didn't want us to be over, I just thought it was for the best. I thought it--it would be selfish to keep you here, even if it was just in your headspace. I--I thought maybe you secretly wanted to move to New York without anything holding you back, and that maybe you were probably better off without me. I thought you'd break-up with me at some point anyway, so why delay the inevitable?" Blaine sniffs, tears streaming, but oh who cares! "God, I thought so many things, Kurt."
Kurt's legs drop from their perch on the worktable to the floor with a sharp click from his heeled boots as he sits up straight.
"It wasn't what I wanted," Blaine says, tortured, so scared that this is going to backfire on him. "It was what I thought would be for the best, and I have spent all year regretting it. I feel physically sick every time I think about it, which is way too often because we ended things last year. I should be over you by now, but I'm just not. I can't get over you, Kurt, no matter what or how hard I try."
"We used to be proponents of honesty," Blaine forges on, barely able to keep looking at his ex-boyfriend, "so here's the truth: I feel like shit every moment I'm not with you. And I'm going to New York this summer, so if there is any possibility that you haven't moved on, any chance you still love me, that you still want me, that you maybe missed me this year... I'm here to tell you that nothing in my life feels right without you in it."
Kurt's chair topples over in his haste to get over to Blaine. He's throwing himself into Blaine's waiting arms before Blaine's even finished speaking.
Blaine feels like he's in shock. He thinks, dimly, that he's hugging Kurt back but he's not even sure about that. He's in shock.
"New York is just another city when you're not there," Kurt says through his tears.
It feels like Blaine has been holding his breath for the past year. It feels so blessedly, staggeringly, magnificently good to be able to breathe again.
~*~