Can't Believe I'm Posting Crack on Easter...
Yup, I'm posting crack on Easter. It's part of a new crack one shot fic at ffnet, but since not all chapters are going to be KuroFai, I'm just posting this one.
Title: Accounts (chapter title, not fic title, but whatever to technicalities, right?)
Genre: Humor
Warnings: Some foul language, not much
Words: 2000
Pairing: KuroFai with a dab of SakuSyao
Summary: Kurogane and Fai tell of their time in Yama to a curious Syaoran and Sakura.
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“What do you mean, ‘what was it like?’” Kurogane asked. “What was what like, exactly?”
“Um, war?” Syaoran hesitantly answered. “I was only out there for a few days so I’d like to know more about it in order to be more prepared next time. For my sake and… Sakura’s.”
Kurogane sighed, figuring out that the kid wanted to know what the camp was like instead of actual battle. No telling what he had heard from others about the pretty soldiers being taken advantage of in the camps with no women around. Any idiot could tell that Fai was an obvious target. It would do the kid good to have some pointers if he ever found himself and the princess in such a situation. “Fine. But be warned, it’s not a pretty story.”
Syaoran grimly nodded.
---
“Hm? What was what like, exactly?” Fai asked.
“The war you and Kurogane-san were in,” Sakura timidly answered. “Syaoran-kun and me weren’t really involved much in the actual experience, so, um, I’d like to know what it was like… just in case.”
Fai made an “ah” sound of understanding. Sakura apparently was curious about camp life. It made sense. She was pretty, he was pretty, it was an obvious question one would ask another attractive to all sexes person. You had to be prepared, after all. “Alright, Sakura-chan! But be warned, all of it’s not a pretty story.
Sakura grimly nodded.
---
“It was hell.”
“It was great!”
“The moment we got into the camp, I could hear these punk ass soldiers making comments about the mage and how ‘they’d tap that’ and crap. It was disgusting.”
“Right when we got into the camp, all of these soldiers were smiling at me and whispering to each other. Now I of course knew what they were whispering about, but the attention was nice!”
“Not five minutes after we were officially in, some son of a bitch walks up to the idiot and starts putting his arm around him, claiming he wanted to show him around. Ch’, probably to some tent or the forest or something to fulfill his perverted fantasies.”
“Not five minutes after we were members of the club, some nice soldier comes up to me and puts him arm around me, saying something, I don’t know, but it sounded nice! He was smiling very kindly after all. Though, it doesn’t hurt to be cautious around those kind of men. Are you taking notes, Sakura-chan?”
“If I wasn’t there to kick his ass, there’s no telling what would have happened to him! I mean, he was probably already nominated for resident fuck soldier or something. Trust me on this, kid, there’s always one in every camp and with that idiots exotic and sexy looks, he was king in a heartbeat, no questions asked… and I’m just quoting the soldiers on the whole ‘exotic and sexy looks’ thing, got it?!”
“Kuro-tan was so cute during our stay there! He was jealous that I was getting so much attention and not having much time to pay him any. He’s just a big puppy on the inside, really. Write that down. Anyway, he beat up that first soldier very quickly and was yelling a lot. Also pointing his sword to me then the rest of the men standing around. Poor things nearly wet themselves. Luckily, even when I can’t speak other people’s language, I know what to do to make them happy! You see how successful I am with Kuro-puu, don’t you?”
“You’d think after I yelled at the other soldiers to never touch the blond again or else I’d cut off their dicks and run my sword through their balls,” -Syaoran gulped- “they’d get the freakin’ picture. But no! The dumbasses kept coming onto him! I don’t know why, there must have been something in the water for them to be that stupid!”
“Once I was allowed in the kitchen, I made some special treats from herbs and stuff I found in the forest. Really, that camp wasn’t making good use of their resources. But I made sure to give them to the poor soldiers Kuro-chi scared as a peace offering. You want to make sure everyone gets along when in such close environments, after all! They seemed to really like it because they all wanted to be around me after that. Only, not so much when Kuro-tan was around. I suppose they were still scared of him.”
“There was this one guy in particular who kept getting too close to him. He was a pretty boy, too… but not pretty like the mage. This guy was the kind who would probably be picking up a different girl every night, but was settling for the mage ‘cause he’s pretty and soft like a girl… I’m quoting again because I don’t know if the guy’s soft or not… what’s with the confused look, kid?”
“This one guy in particular was really nice to me. He was very attractive, but not my type. My type is the strong, tall, tanned, spikey haired, red eyed, ninja-puppy kind. This one looked like he’d pick up a different girl every night and so settled for me since I was the probably considered the most girlish because of my hair, skin, and eyes. I’ve come to terms with this.”
“Anyway, he was always all touchy with the idiot, constantly trying to sniff his hair or casually put his shoulder against his or run his hand up his thigh. Needless to say, that hand had an ’accident’ during the next battle.”
“The guy was a little too close, sometimes, but I understand a man’s need to let out his sexual frustration. He was cutting it close when he tried to grope my… ahem, frontal area, but then he didn’t seem in the mood after he lost that hand during the next battle. Did I mention Kuro-chi is super cute when he’s jealous?”
“The men seemed to get the hint, finally, and stopped trying to grab at him… instead, they tried romancing him.”
“Then all of a sudden, I started getting flowers and stuff from a bunch of people! They came with little notes, but I couldn’t understand them so it was really pointless. But it‘s the thought that counts. Surely I had to return the favor of these kind men, so when one of them indicated they wanted to draw me, how could I turn such a compliment down?”
“It got worse. I started seeing these perverted drawings of the mage pop up all around camp! One even had him in this ridiculously tight and short, powder blue kimono that slipped off one shoulder and rode up past his creamy thigh to show a part of his hot, tight ass… QUOTING!”
“I think he was an art student because he just wanted to practice the anatomy of a male with a smaller build. All I had to do was stand or sit and he just went to different angles all around me and did a bunch of head and different body stretches. He was very grateful to me the whole rest of the war, along with a lot of the other soldiers for some reason.”
“No telling how many of them were beating off to those things. It pisses me off that I wasn’t allowed to kill every damn one of them and I could never trace the ’artist’ either. Pervert.”
“I was like an idol there! Everybody wanted to talk to me and helped me learn their language. Everywhere I went, the soldiers would call out my name and give me something or a few even tried to greet me in my own language! Isn‘t that nice?”
“Eventually the mage was what everybody was talking about once all the battle talk was done. Hell, the soldiers were even coming up to me to ask questions about him! Like what his favorite food was, his favorite color, his favorite flower, what he liked to do in his spare time, was he really as flexible as he looked, and, my favorite, ‘how much?’ Horny bastards.”
“However, there was one place that was horrible. The shower room.”
“The shower room was the worse, though. There, formalities were off and I could see everyone staring at the mage’s backside, watching the water move down his back and over his perfect ass… Well, it is perfect… not that I’ve examined it! But I could tell that they were all waiting for him to bend over and then pounce on him. If it weren’t for me showering right next to him all the time, I doubt he would have been able to walk out of there. Every one of them would have probably taken turns with him. That‘s the kind of things that you have to watch out for. He was lucky.”
“The soap was filthy! It was always covered in dirt and grime, I had to scrape a layer away before actually using it. Not at all adequate for proper hygiene, especially when in such disgusting conditions already. Oh, and all the men were constantly starting at me and Kuro-rin was always by my side. It was very difficult to not pounce on him there, what with his wet, muscular body so hot and close to me… Sakura-chan, you’re nose is bleeding!”
“For the rest of out time there, I spent it secretly following that idiot. It was the only way I could protect him in the more dangerous places, like the changing rooms… what?”
“For the rest of the time there, Kuro-pipi stalked me. I didn’t mind, though. Better him peeping on me than a soldier who’s not a sexy man beast, right?”
“Basically, kid, don’t ever let the princess out of your sight… you know, except for private times… but other than that, keep a close eye on her. Her and the mage are too much alike sometimes and she seems to go to him for advice. Watch her.”
“Basically, Sakura-chan, don’t give it all up to the first guy in the camp who gives you flowers. I’d suggest asking Kuro-daddy for some self defense techniques, but other than that, don’t worry about it! Syaoran-kun and Kuro-wanko are so much alike, I bet that they’re also discussing this and Syaoran-kun seems to look up to him. So that means he’ll probably follow you around constantly… you know, except for private times… so just have fun!”
---
Syaoran reflected on all that had been replayed to him. While a lot of it was to be expected, some parts were… surprising. Not so much that Kurogane-san “secretly” found Fai-san to be very attractive and wanted to do things to him just as bad as the rest of the world did, but more that Kurogane-san hadn’t killed everyone in the camp.
Still, now Syaoran knew what to do if he should ever find himself in a horrible situation like that with his precious princess.
And that it was okay to watch her in a changing room because it was protecting her from other perverts.
Yeah.
---
Sakura reflected on all that had been replayed to her. It really didn’t sound nearly as bad as other stories about pretty people in war. She was sure that Fai-san would have been constantly attacked and Kurogane-san rescuing him just in the nick of time. This would be followed by Kurogane-san carrying Fai-san back to their tent where he would gently make passionate love to him in order to heal his fear of physical contact. However, at the end of their time spent together and once herself and Syaoran-kun and Mokona arrived, they would have to stop their relationship, thinking it the best thing to do so as not to cause tension between their group and then they would have one last night of love making under the light of the full moon by a pond.
It was all tragically beautiful.
But if being the only girl in a camp during war time meant being an idol AND having Syaoran-kun follow her around, protecting her like a knight in shining armor, well then, she’d have to go sign up for the next war.
Along with Kurogane-san and Fai-san so they could once again find comfort in each other’s arms (and maybe that world would have that camera thing that Tomoyo-chan always had).
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A/N: I don't know where Mokona was. Let's just say it finally got a job. Btw, this is no way making fun of Yama stories, I really like them! I just thought it would be funny if Fai was actually some kind of idol. Oh, how much more I wish I put in there, like him judging random only-in-manga contests and stuff. Vague, huh?
Hope you enjoyed it!