Valentine's fic: Honesty
Title: Honesty
Rating: PG-13/R for non-explicit descriptions of rough and violent sex.
Author's notes: This was intended to be my fic for the Valentine's day challenge, " A confession without using the word ‘love,’ "... it's right up against the edge, sorry about that!
The wizard didn't waste any time; he propositioned Kurogane on the second world they came to.
Kurogane could still remember it; the house with the broken roof. The children, out at the marketplace. Fai, lounging beside the game board with his chin propped up on his fist, smiling, smiling, and with his eyes glittering in a way that Kurogane had never seen before, but would come to see many times since.
"We're both adults, Kuro-chan," Fai had told him, a dangerous purr in his voice that no longer sounded so innocent. "We both have needs, and we understand about sex. We don't have to be wrapped up in all confused notions about romance, or devotion, or monogamy. It's just sex, and who's going to tell us no?"
"I'm not gay," Kurogane had told him frostily, but Fai just laughed, completely unashamed.
"What does that matter? It's just two bodies, taking advantage of a convenient arrangement. On a trip like this, we'll never stay in one place long enough to have anyone else. Besides, who else can we trust?"
Kurogane got up, and gave Fai a long withering glare. "You disgust me," he said, and turned and stormed out, heading for the safety of the roof. Fai had just laughed again, and let him go.
He was left thinking Fai must have done something to him, or at least known something he didn't. Sure enough, on the next world, he came to Fai in the night; there were no words between them as he slammed the smaller man up against the wall. They only got undressed enough to do the deed, with Kurogane unbuckling the front of his pants and bending Fai over the dresser. Fai had arched his head back and laughed again, that throaty laugh, and urged him onwards.
Kurogane had taken him brutally fast and hard, thrusting into his body until he came and then walking away without a word, leaving Fai there, dishelved and ragged, sore and beaten. Not a tender touch between them, not a kind word; and in doing so, he thought he'd won.
It went on that way for them one night after another, one world after another. He was always silent, disdaining meaningless chatter and wasteful time on things like foreplay. Fai was the only one to talk, in that low, throaty voice; wicked, filthy words. Fai never complained, no matter how rough Kurogane got with him; only urging him onwards, pushing him closer to the ragged edge. That was how Kurogane liked it. It wasn't about trust, or affection, or anything but a convenient bodily release. And as long as he was the one in charge, on top, he was fine with that.
* ~ *
It went on that way between them night after night, world after world. And things began to change. Kurogane began to change. Tomoyo had sent him on this trip to see things, to learn, although he'd never intended to follow her orders, although all he'd ever wanted was to become stronger.
Watching Mokona, he came to understand that nothing worth having in life came without the willingness to pay a price.
Watching Sakura, he came to understand how empty it could be, to have no connections to anyone or anything in your own life.
Watching Syaoran, he came to understand that love didn't have to be a weakness, that it was something you could draw on in your center to make you stronger than you ever thought you could be, something that made you capable of unbelievable things.
Watching Fai, he came to understand that the mage was a person.
Not just an obstacle, a distraction. Not just an annoyance that had been stuck to his side to plague his life, to embarrass him and piss him off. Not just a hole for him to stick his dick into, an object to be used and thrown away.
Fai was a person with his own thoughts and his own memories and his own needs and wants; a kind person who was willing to extend his hand to a frightened child in need; a brave person who had no qualms about facing down terrible opponents armed with no more than a smile; a smart person who knew far more than he ought to about worlds that weren't even his own; a frightened person who was running from something in his past so terrible that even he couldn't face it; a broken person who didn't even value his own life as he should.
And one night as his teeth sank into the muscle of Fai's shoulder, driven on to new heights by Fai's hissed, goading whispers, he came to understand that this was not how Fai had sex with people he cared about.
And that knowledge infuriated him.
* ~ *
There should be more to sex than hard friction and the agony of release. There should be more to companionship than wordless panting and grunts of pain in the darkness, to roll apart from each other as soon as the act was done. And there should be more to partnership, to trust, than contempt and pain.
He'd tried to confront Fai about it several times, in Outo, when things seemed to be changing in the dynamics of their little band; when Sakura was more awake and alive than ever, when he'd taken Syaoran as a student. When he could no longer deny even to himself that he was tied to these people, that they'd come to mean something to him.
But he'd never been gifted with words, and Fai was too good at twisting them, and it had turned into a raging argument in the main room of the cafe when the children had gone to bed; and that had ended up with Fai slammed up against the counter, with his shirt torn by Kurogane's furious hands, and Fai laughing at him, goading him on. And things went on the same way they always had.
After that he'd refused to speak to Fai for days, and avoided coming into close contact with him. Needed the distance between them, needed time to think, to work out what he'd thought and felt.
Hardest to accept was the realization that even though he'd been the one on top, the one penetrating, the one who held Fai's hands against the wall and pushed his face into the mattress, that he'd never been in charge. That was what bothered him most of all, angered him, and he had to admit, shamed him.
It wasn't that he felt guilty, exactly, about how violent the sex between them always seemed to be. Fai had been the one who'd initiated things; Fai was the one who set the tone, who directed him and needled him and urged him on. Fai had been the one to draw his nails up Kurogane's back until he bled, tainting the sex between them with the scent of blood.
It was more that he hated the lack of his own control, and most of all, he hated himself for allowing Fai to manipulate him, to reach right inside him and twist his ideas of what it meant to be a man, what it meant to be strong, and what it meant to dominate and protect. All along he'd thought he'd been using Fai for his own satisfaction, only to come face to face with the realization that Fai had been using him, for reasons that Kurogane could only guess at, to fulfill some strange craving for humiliation and pain. And Kurogane had let him do that.
Kurogane was not going to let himself be used for that again.
* ~ *
In Yama things changed.
It helped that they were alone together, that the magician could no longer use the children or the manjuu for distraction and evasion. It helped that they had time -- lots of time, enough time for him to learn all the magician's habits and defenses and find ways around them. More than anything, it helped that they didn't speak the same language any more.
Fai never did learn more than a few words of Japanese, and Kurogane never learned any of Fai's strange language at all. They were forced to rely on the communication of body language and action, of turn and touch, and here Kurogane was in his element. Here Fai couldn't twist his words back on him, here Fai couldn't distract and enrage him with his carefully aimed verbal barbs. Here they were forced to be honest with each other, and honesty had always been Fai's weakness.
They ended up in a tent, in the dark, with only a little light filtering in from the half-full moon and the guttering torches outside. It was still plenty for Kurogane to see by. The magician was smiling, smiling, with a glitter in his eyes that Kurogane had seen many times by now. But this time, he could see tension in that smile, and the glint behind the darkness in those eyes that looked a little bit like desperation, or maybe fear. Or maybe that had always been there.
Fai put his hands on Kurogane's arms and pulled him forward, backing them both across the room until he fell backwards onto the narrow cot, pulling Kurogane on top of him. The message was as clear as if he'd spoken: Let's do it like always. Come on, just fuck me.
Kurogane pushed himself up until he was balancing on his arms, looking down thoughtfully at Fai between his hands, face flushed and blond hair spread over the dirty mattress. His answer was equally clear: No. Not tonight.
Fai made an impatient noise between his teeth -- or maybe that was some meaningless word in his own language -- and wrapped his hands behind Kurogane's shoulders, giving himself the leverage to arch his body up against Kurogane's, grinding their hips together. He laughed, the same smoky laugh that had always driven Kurogane into a frenzy before, but it sounded somehow hollow, now. It's just sex. Two bodies together. That's all it's ever been; nothing's changed.
But Kurogane didn't rise to the bait; one hand went up to capture Fai's, pushing him back down against the mattress, but gently, more gently than ever before. He hesitated a moment, hand lingering on Fai's before he released him, bringing his knuckles over to brush against the side of Fai's face, pushing his messy hair away. It was a touch that said, Things have changed.
Fai hissed in anger and snapped his teeth at Kurogane's fingers, although he missed; dug his nails in and scraped down Kurogane's side. It was Kurogane he scratched, tried to bruise, but the look on his face said the violence was directed at himself. I want to be hurt. I want to be used. When Kurogane still failed to respond with the usual force, he looked back up into Kurogane's face with the frustration and confusion written clearly on his expression; You never had a problem with this before, why now?
Kurogane closed his eyes and dipped his head, pressed his mouth against the side of Fai's neck. Sucked just enough to raise the blood to the skin before moving on to a new place. His hand ghosted up the inside of Fai's arm, a light trailing touch that settled on his collarbone, feeling the harsh rise and fall of his ribcage. They'd never bothered with foreplay now, but he wanted to touch Fai gently tonight, wanted to make Fai understand: I won't hurt you, not even if that's what you want. You have come to matter too much for me to hurt you any more.
Fai's breath hitched, and he swallowed hard; he could feel the racing pulse in his neck, and when he raised his head again Fai's eyes were asking a question full of despair. Why are you doing this to me now?
And Kurogane claimed Fai's mouth in a kiss, and that said it all.
~end.
Rating: PG-13/R for non-explicit descriptions of rough and violent sex.
Author's notes: This was intended to be my fic for the Valentine's day challenge, " A confession without using the word ‘love,’ "... it's right up against the edge, sorry about that!
The wizard didn't waste any time; he propositioned Kurogane on the second world they came to.
Kurogane could still remember it; the house with the broken roof. The children, out at the marketplace. Fai, lounging beside the game board with his chin propped up on his fist, smiling, smiling, and with his eyes glittering in a way that Kurogane had never seen before, but would come to see many times since.
"We're both adults, Kuro-chan," Fai had told him, a dangerous purr in his voice that no longer sounded so innocent. "We both have needs, and we understand about sex. We don't have to be wrapped up in all confused notions about romance, or devotion, or monogamy. It's just sex, and who's going to tell us no?"
"I'm not gay," Kurogane had told him frostily, but Fai just laughed, completely unashamed.
"What does that matter? It's just two bodies, taking advantage of a convenient arrangement. On a trip like this, we'll never stay in one place long enough to have anyone else. Besides, who else can we trust?"
Kurogane got up, and gave Fai a long withering glare. "You disgust me," he said, and turned and stormed out, heading for the safety of the roof. Fai had just laughed again, and let him go.
He was left thinking Fai must have done something to him, or at least known something he didn't. Sure enough, on the next world, he came to Fai in the night; there were no words between them as he slammed the smaller man up against the wall. They only got undressed enough to do the deed, with Kurogane unbuckling the front of his pants and bending Fai over the dresser. Fai had arched his head back and laughed again, that throaty laugh, and urged him onwards.
Kurogane had taken him brutally fast and hard, thrusting into his body until he came and then walking away without a word, leaving Fai there, dishelved and ragged, sore and beaten. Not a tender touch between them, not a kind word; and in doing so, he thought he'd won.
It went on that way for them one night after another, one world after another. He was always silent, disdaining meaningless chatter and wasteful time on things like foreplay. Fai was the only one to talk, in that low, throaty voice; wicked, filthy words. Fai never complained, no matter how rough Kurogane got with him; only urging him onwards, pushing him closer to the ragged edge. That was how Kurogane liked it. It wasn't about trust, or affection, or anything but a convenient bodily release. And as long as he was the one in charge, on top, he was fine with that.
* ~ *
It went on that way between them night after night, world after world. And things began to change. Kurogane began to change. Tomoyo had sent him on this trip to see things, to learn, although he'd never intended to follow her orders, although all he'd ever wanted was to become stronger.
Watching Mokona, he came to understand that nothing worth having in life came without the willingness to pay a price.
Watching Sakura, he came to understand how empty it could be, to have no connections to anyone or anything in your own life.
Watching Syaoran, he came to understand that love didn't have to be a weakness, that it was something you could draw on in your center to make you stronger than you ever thought you could be, something that made you capable of unbelievable things.
Watching Fai, he came to understand that the mage was a person.
Not just an obstacle, a distraction. Not just an annoyance that had been stuck to his side to plague his life, to embarrass him and piss him off. Not just a hole for him to stick his dick into, an object to be used and thrown away.
Fai was a person with his own thoughts and his own memories and his own needs and wants; a kind person who was willing to extend his hand to a frightened child in need; a brave person who had no qualms about facing down terrible opponents armed with no more than a smile; a smart person who knew far more than he ought to about worlds that weren't even his own; a frightened person who was running from something in his past so terrible that even he couldn't face it; a broken person who didn't even value his own life as he should.
And one night as his teeth sank into the muscle of Fai's shoulder, driven on to new heights by Fai's hissed, goading whispers, he came to understand that this was not how Fai had sex with people he cared about.
And that knowledge infuriated him.
* ~ *
There should be more to sex than hard friction and the agony of release. There should be more to companionship than wordless panting and grunts of pain in the darkness, to roll apart from each other as soon as the act was done. And there should be more to partnership, to trust, than contempt and pain.
He'd tried to confront Fai about it several times, in Outo, when things seemed to be changing in the dynamics of their little band; when Sakura was more awake and alive than ever, when he'd taken Syaoran as a student. When he could no longer deny even to himself that he was tied to these people, that they'd come to mean something to him.
But he'd never been gifted with words, and Fai was too good at twisting them, and it had turned into a raging argument in the main room of the cafe when the children had gone to bed; and that had ended up with Fai slammed up against the counter, with his shirt torn by Kurogane's furious hands, and Fai laughing at him, goading him on. And things went on the same way they always had.
After that he'd refused to speak to Fai for days, and avoided coming into close contact with him. Needed the distance between them, needed time to think, to work out what he'd thought and felt.
Hardest to accept was the realization that even though he'd been the one on top, the one penetrating, the one who held Fai's hands against the wall and pushed his face into the mattress, that he'd never been in charge. That was what bothered him most of all, angered him, and he had to admit, shamed him.
It wasn't that he felt guilty, exactly, about how violent the sex between them always seemed to be. Fai had been the one who'd initiated things; Fai was the one who set the tone, who directed him and needled him and urged him on. Fai had been the one to draw his nails up Kurogane's back until he bled, tainting the sex between them with the scent of blood.
It was more that he hated the lack of his own control, and most of all, he hated himself for allowing Fai to manipulate him, to reach right inside him and twist his ideas of what it meant to be a man, what it meant to be strong, and what it meant to dominate and protect. All along he'd thought he'd been using Fai for his own satisfaction, only to come face to face with the realization that Fai had been using him, for reasons that Kurogane could only guess at, to fulfill some strange craving for humiliation and pain. And Kurogane had let him do that.
Kurogane was not going to let himself be used for that again.
* ~ *
In Yama things changed.
It helped that they were alone together, that the magician could no longer use the children or the manjuu for distraction and evasion. It helped that they had time -- lots of time, enough time for him to learn all the magician's habits and defenses and find ways around them. More than anything, it helped that they didn't speak the same language any more.
Fai never did learn more than a few words of Japanese, and Kurogane never learned any of Fai's strange language at all. They were forced to rely on the communication of body language and action, of turn and touch, and here Kurogane was in his element. Here Fai couldn't twist his words back on him, here Fai couldn't distract and enrage him with his carefully aimed verbal barbs. Here they were forced to be honest with each other, and honesty had always been Fai's weakness.
They ended up in a tent, in the dark, with only a little light filtering in from the half-full moon and the guttering torches outside. It was still plenty for Kurogane to see by. The magician was smiling, smiling, with a glitter in his eyes that Kurogane had seen many times by now. But this time, he could see tension in that smile, and the glint behind the darkness in those eyes that looked a little bit like desperation, or maybe fear. Or maybe that had always been there.
Fai put his hands on Kurogane's arms and pulled him forward, backing them both across the room until he fell backwards onto the narrow cot, pulling Kurogane on top of him. The message was as clear as if he'd spoken: Let's do it like always. Come on, just fuck me.
Kurogane pushed himself up until he was balancing on his arms, looking down thoughtfully at Fai between his hands, face flushed and blond hair spread over the dirty mattress. His answer was equally clear: No. Not tonight.
Fai made an impatient noise between his teeth -- or maybe that was some meaningless word in his own language -- and wrapped his hands behind Kurogane's shoulders, giving himself the leverage to arch his body up against Kurogane's, grinding their hips together. He laughed, the same smoky laugh that had always driven Kurogane into a frenzy before, but it sounded somehow hollow, now. It's just sex. Two bodies together. That's all it's ever been; nothing's changed.
But Kurogane didn't rise to the bait; one hand went up to capture Fai's, pushing him back down against the mattress, but gently, more gently than ever before. He hesitated a moment, hand lingering on Fai's before he released him, bringing his knuckles over to brush against the side of Fai's face, pushing his messy hair away. It was a touch that said, Things have changed.
Fai hissed in anger and snapped his teeth at Kurogane's fingers, although he missed; dug his nails in and scraped down Kurogane's side. It was Kurogane he scratched, tried to bruise, but the look on his face said the violence was directed at himself. I want to be hurt. I want to be used. When Kurogane still failed to respond with the usual force, he looked back up into Kurogane's face with the frustration and confusion written clearly on his expression; You never had a problem with this before, why now?
Kurogane closed his eyes and dipped his head, pressed his mouth against the side of Fai's neck. Sucked just enough to raise the blood to the skin before moving on to a new place. His hand ghosted up the inside of Fai's arm, a light trailing touch that settled on his collarbone, feeling the harsh rise and fall of his ribcage. They'd never bothered with foreplay now, but he wanted to touch Fai gently tonight, wanted to make Fai understand: I won't hurt you, not even if that's what you want. You have come to matter too much for me to hurt you any more.
Fai's breath hitched, and he swallowed hard; he could feel the racing pulse in his neck, and when he raised his head again Fai's eyes were asking a question full of despair. Why are you doing this to me now?
And Kurogane claimed Fai's mouth in a kiss, and that said it all.
~end.