Living the fifties ideal

[kuddliphish]

It is often disconcerting to be living the lifestyle espoused by people whose views I generally don't agree with. While I was pregnant my mother-in-law mentioned how happy she was that all of her daughter-in-laws were staying home with their kids. I made some agreeable noises, and I certainly believe that if one of the parents wants to stay home

Comments

[whyioughta]

First off, I had to laugh at (*)- I love the smart-ass side of you.

Second,I think your perceptions are quite apt and something I've encountered before as well. I wish I could credit where I read or heard this, but it eludes me. I was struck by how true it seems:

Today's society dictates that the best mother an educated, upper middle class married woman can be is a 'stay at home' mother. To leave her kids for work is essentially selfish.

On the other hand, the best thing a single, uneducated, or lower class woman can do for her kids is get a job. A stay at home mother on welfare is essentially selfish.

I just don't see how everyone feels that mothering is an open issue to make commentary about. If we spoke so casually about other's dietary habits the way we speak about parenting choices, we'd get a lot of odd looks.

[kuddliphish]

I think you've really hit on something with that quote. The same people who congratulate me for staying home, also mutter about "welfare queens." Both these attitudes bothered me, but I hadn't properly connected them in my mind.

[kuddliphish]

Don't get me wrong, I certainly am very glad that I am able (culturally, legally and financially) to do what I love.

But I think there is a tendency to use generalities to address individuals that is dangerous, or at least limiting. I don't like the fact that I'm "normal" (by whatever standard) being used as ammo to attack those who don't fit the mold.

[anonymous]

There are flip sides to those coins. I think there is a tendency to use specific examples to deny statistically correct generalities, and I think this is dangerous, or at least limiting. For one thing, it makes it harder to follow the normal course without guilt - as you demonstrate.

And just as you don't like people using the fact that you are normal to attack those who are abnormal ("Janelle is a stay-at-home mom, why can't you be? It's not fair to your children!"), it's a bummer to those who are normal to be held to the standards of those who are not ("Stacey is a high-paid pharmacist, how come you're only a mom? It's not fair to women everywhere!")

Both of these things suck, so rather than just focusing on one, let us condemn them both with one stroke: People should do what makes them happy, and anyone who guilt trips them for it, whether feminist or conservative, is a dumbass.

[morganlf]

I don't usually tell people that I wouldn't mind staying home with my child. In fact, I don't think I've ever admitted it on paper before. Mostly because people don't think that it jives with me being all feministy -- I think they're crazy.

Being a feminist (to me) means wanting to have choices -- whether I work or stay home should ultimately be up to me and my partner.

That said, I think that I'm lucky that I've chosen a job where I get summers off and go to work at odd hours; hopefully this will allow me to be home with my children a lot.

[kuddliphish]

I got a fair amount of flack in high school about wanting to stay home with a passel of kids, so I can understand not wanting to talk about it.

And it really is all about flexibility and options (both personally and for women in general.)