Keep talking. Ask questions, and try to listen and understand more. Watch your bod language. When I get like that, Adam "wasting" time trying to listen usually goes a long way (because I usually feel like he has an idea of what he wants me to be, and he's happily living his life expecting me to fulfill that idea...you have to be willing and express your willingness for her to be whatever she wants). Some gentle holding, with nothing in it for you, can help speed up the healing process, if you get to the point where she will believe that you really are caring for her, not for "us" or for your own sanity.
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