[skience - slashers are for fail too]
First off: smallfandomfest announced a new affiliate today - rare-bottoms. Exactly as it says on the tin. The interests have me LOLING because...yeah, really.
ANYWAY. Last night/this morning I trudged through some really... really dubious C/G fic. The ideas were good-ish (sort of?) but the execution was YEESH. Said fic was on DeviantArt, and I really need to stand by my policy of only reading the-watched-pot there. I give you The Bluebird And The Sparrow, part one and two. I was disappointed that there were no actual bluebirds OR sparrows because if there's one thing we love as much as cake it's avian references.
GLITCH: Woe, I no longer belong here.
DG: You totally do.
THE QUEEN: Yes, I need my advisor.
GLITCH: Okay fine!
THE QUEEN: Good! BTW you're getting your brain back tomorrow.
GLITCH: Win!
THE QUEEN: Now to convince my new captain of the guard to stick around.
LATER, ELSEWHERE
CAIN: I don't wanna have a big house and servants or be captain of the guard, it will ll cut in on my brooding time.
AHAMO: Jeb could totally stay with you, you know.
CAIN: Okay, I'll go fetch him!
GLITCH: Woo! BTW, wish me luck as I'm getting all brainy tomorrow.
CAIN: I suppose I'll have to stop calling you zipperhead. I shall dub thee "scarecrow" instead for you are skinny and your clothes are for fail.
GLITCH: Am not skinny, I totally have a little martini belly.
CAIN: Whatever.
THE NEXT DAY
DG: I hate this dress. Oh hi Az.
AZ: OMG it's so totally my fault Ambrose lost his brain and he's gonna hate me.
DG: Somehow I doubt that.
AT A RESISTANCE CAMP
CAIN: Hi Jeb, wanna come live in a big house and be my lieutenant?
JEB: Sure! I can begin looking for my future wife while we're at it.
BACK AT THE PALACE
RANDOM DOCTOR: Good news princesses, the surgery went fine. Go say hi.
PRINCESSES: Hurrah!
GLIMBROSE: Hi girls!
AZ: OMG FORGIVE ME!
GLIMBROSE: Nothing to forgive!
AZ: Awwww!
DG: Awwwww!
THE QUEEN: You are so noble and awesome, allow me to magically heal you all better so the plot can advance faster.
GLIMBROSE: Sweet!
LATER AT CASA CAIN
DG: Meet all your servants. You get used to them.
THE CAINS: Uh.
THE COOK: And where's the lady of the house?
CAIN: ;_;
DG: ...um. Oh, the surgery went fine!
JEB: Nice distraction, let's have a better one while I flirt with you awkwardly.
THE NEXT DAY
CAIN: Knock knock!
GLIMBROSE: Who's there?
CAIN: Cain!
GLIMBROSE: ...you're lucky this isn't the capslock comm. HI CAIN! You...brought me flowers?
CAIN: Uh. Sort of. You still look like hell btw.
GLIMBROSE: My hair is just not right anymore.
CAIN: I should give you a bath.
GLIMBROSE: Do why now?
CAIN: Go with it. And I'll totally pick out your outfit too.
GLIMBROSE: You're being way too nice to me, it's creepy.
CAIN: I feel like it. Plus my butler did all this for me last night, and Adora used to do it.
GLIMBROSE: It must have been nice to have a partner. Nobody ever loved me ever ever.
CAIN: Sure, but she's like dead now.
GLIMBROSE: Good point. BTW yo can totally call me Ambrose.
CAIN: Only if you call me Wyatt.
AMBROSE: =D
WYATT: :]
LATER IN THE THRONE ROOM
THE QUEEN: I have the prettiest advisor and captain of the guard ever.
DG: And how! Also you guys are getting along suspiciously well.
LATER, IN PART TWO, OUT IN THE GARDEN
DG: Ha, I have totally conquered the maze and found the big tall oak tree in the middle!
JEB: Ha, I have also arrived to flirt with you, flirtily!
DG: Excellent, let's climb the tree.
JEB: Awesome. Hey, there's my dad and Ambrose, strolling.
DG: I'm so glad they're getting along. Hey, Ambrose was just totally trying to hold you dad's hand.
JEB: And he totally didn't let him. Sort of. Didn't see that coming.
DG: Me either. Well, Ambrose I can see cuz he's played by Alan Cumming but your dad-
JEB: -totally rejected him.
DG: Noooo, there was something in his ~eyes~.
JEB: This is uncomfortable. We should flirt more.
DG: Win!
A MONTH LATER
DG: Your dad really needs to sell that riverside property in Egypt.
JEB: Probably.
DG: Meanwhile we should continue flirting and dancing because there's a ball in a week.
UP IN THE TOWER
WYATT: Zero totally escaped and we need to discuss-
AMBROSE: It can wait, WTF is your problem?
WYATT: WTF is your problem?
AMBROSE: Love me, damnit!
WYATT: Ew, no, I refuse to catch teh ghey.
AMBROSE: You mean teh bi. Anyway, my heart and soul bleed and die to be near you-
WYATT: Yawn.
AMBROSE: Wow you're an ass. I'm going to go be emo now.
WYATT: I win! Tootles!
LATER, AT CASA CAIN
JEB: WTF is your problem?
WYATT: Not now, Jebby.
JEB: This is about Ambrose, yeah? You should really be less of an ass to him. It is okay to ~open your heart~.
WYATT: Rawr I refuse to catch teh ghey!
JEB: ...seriously, get over yourself. I'd offer more advice but I'm too busy wooing a princess.
WYATT: Bzuh?
BACK AT THE TOWER
AMBROSE: Fuck this, I am leaving a note and running away.
THE NEXT DAY, IN THE THRONE ROOM
WYATT: Hello ladies, why y'all crying?
THE QUEEN: Care to explain this note from my now-vanished advisor?
WYATT: Bzuh?
THE NOTE: "I'm resigning. And running away. BTW Wyatt I love you but you suck."
WYATT: Well damn.
DG: I am going to go all growly and smack you around and demand you go find him and bring him back since he was always my favorite. And maybe smack you again.
WYATT: Okay, bye!
ON THE ROAD
AMBROSE: Stupid out of gas car, I shall conceal you under these branches and trudge further. On foot. Emoly.
LATER
WYATT: Damnit, why am I always stuck with a horse?
JEB: I'll come with you!
WYATT: No, you stay here and woo your princess!
JEB: ...okay!
IN THE REALM OF THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR
AMBROSE: This looks like a perfect den of scum and villainy, I shall fit in nicely here. And now I shall drink and drink and-
ZERO: Well well welly well-well, then, what do we have here?
BACK ON THE ROAD
WYATT: A car! Ambrose's car! I shall rest here a moment and try to figure out where- OH NO HE DIDN'T.
THE NEXT MORNING, IN THE REALM OF THE UNREQUITED
ZERO: My God he's annoying and will not shut up, I shall channel my Topeka self and set his useless ass up in a convoluted death trap.
AMBROSE: Excellent, I shall embrace death as an end to my misery! Also thanks for trussing me up like a scarecrow in this dramatically lit cave. Clever of you to know that direct exposure to sunlight is my one true weakness.
ZERO: Wow you're nuts. Tootles!
LATER, IN THE REALM OF THE UNRELIABLE
WYATT: Anybody seen a crazy weepy guy in a nice coat?
WAITRESS: Some guys in black leather hauled him off. Lucky boy.
WYATT: Zeeerroooooooooo! Curses, he shall forever destroy all I love- waitamin, LOVE?
RANDOM CRAZY LADY: Your scarecrow was taken to yonder cave. I can say no more.
WYATT: Please say no more.
LATER, IN A CAVE SYSTEM OFF THE REALM OF THE UNBELIEVABLE
WYATT: This one? No. This one? No. This one- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AMBROSE: Actually I'm not dead yet.
WYATT: Yay! OMG I'm so sorry and I love you and I'm sorry I was an ass and DG totally hit me. It hurt.
AMBROSE: That's nice, can we go home now?
LATER, UP IN THE TOWER, AT THE TELESCOPE OF SPYING
AZ: Wyatt's coming back! He's got Ambrose!
DG: Are they cuddling?
AZ: Yes!
DG: Woohoo!
IN THE THRONE ROOM
WYATT: Brought you something!
AMBROSE: Hai guise!
THE QUEEN: ...the hell happened to you?
AMBROSE: Zero tried to sunburn me to death.
THE QUEEN: That sucks. But have you two resolved your differences?
WYATT: You might say that. Excuse me, I need to snog your advisor in front of everyone.
AMBROSE: ...really? That was so unromantic.
WYATT: Sorry, let's try that again. Elsewhere.
EVERYONE: Huzzah and wild applause!
LATER THAT WEEK, AT THE BALL
WYATT: Wow you can dance.
AMBROSE: Duh. Oh hey, DG and Jeb are being adorable.
AHAMO: They shall totally be married this winter.
THE QUEEN: And you two can have yet another silly lead/follow dancing joke at their reception.
AMBROSE: Oh gawd get me out of this fic.
WYATT: Don't worry, sweetheart, it's almost over.
THE END
ANYWAY. Last night/this morning I trudged through some really... really dubious C/G fic. The ideas were good-ish (sort of?) but the execution was YEESH. Said fic was on DeviantArt, and I really need to stand by my policy of only reading the-watched-pot there. I give you The Bluebird And The Sparrow, part one and two. I was disappointed that there were no actual bluebirds OR sparrows because if there's one thing we love as much as cake it's avian references.
GLITCH: Woe, I no longer belong here.
DG: You totally do.
THE QUEEN: Yes, I need my advisor.
GLITCH: Okay fine!
THE QUEEN: Good! BTW you're getting your brain back tomorrow.
GLITCH: Win!
THE QUEEN: Now to convince my new captain of the guard to stick around.
LATER, ELSEWHERE
CAIN: I don't wanna have a big house and servants or be captain of the guard, it will ll cut in on my brooding time.
AHAMO: Jeb could totally stay with you, you know.
CAIN: Okay, I'll go fetch him!
GLITCH: Woo! BTW, wish me luck as I'm getting all brainy tomorrow.
CAIN: I suppose I'll have to stop calling you zipperhead. I shall dub thee "scarecrow" instead for you are skinny and your clothes are for fail.
GLITCH: Am not skinny, I totally have a little martini belly.
CAIN: Whatever.
THE NEXT DAY
DG: I hate this dress. Oh hi Az.
AZ: OMG it's so totally my fault Ambrose lost his brain and he's gonna hate me.
DG: Somehow I doubt that.
AT A RESISTANCE CAMP
CAIN: Hi Jeb, wanna come live in a big house and be my lieutenant?
JEB: Sure! I can begin looking for my future wife while we're at it.
BACK AT THE PALACE
RANDOM DOCTOR: Good news princesses, the surgery went fine. Go say hi.
PRINCESSES: Hurrah!
GLIMBROSE: Hi girls!
AZ: OMG FORGIVE ME!
GLIMBROSE: Nothing to forgive!
AZ: Awwww!
DG: Awwwww!
THE QUEEN: You are so noble and awesome, allow me to magically heal you all better so the plot can advance faster.
GLIMBROSE: Sweet!
LATER AT CASA CAIN
DG: Meet all your servants. You get used to them.
THE CAINS: Uh.
THE COOK: And where's the lady of the house?
CAIN: ;_;
DG: ...um. Oh, the surgery went fine!
JEB: Nice distraction, let's have a better one while I flirt with you awkwardly.
THE NEXT DAY
CAIN: Knock knock!
GLIMBROSE: Who's there?
CAIN: Cain!
GLIMBROSE: ...you're lucky this isn't the capslock comm. HI CAIN! You...brought me flowers?
CAIN: Uh. Sort of. You still look like hell btw.
GLIMBROSE: My hair is just not right anymore.
CAIN: I should give you a bath.
GLIMBROSE: Do why now?
CAIN: Go with it. And I'll totally pick out your outfit too.
GLIMBROSE: You're being way too nice to me, it's creepy.
CAIN: I feel like it. Plus my butler did all this for me last night, and Adora used to do it.
GLIMBROSE: It must have been nice to have a partner. Nobody ever loved me ever ever.
CAIN: Sure, but she's like dead now.
GLIMBROSE: Good point. BTW yo can totally call me Ambrose.
CAIN: Only if you call me Wyatt.
AMBROSE: =D
WYATT: :]
LATER IN THE THRONE ROOM
THE QUEEN: I have the prettiest advisor and captain of the guard ever.
DG: And how! Also you guys are getting along suspiciously well.
LATER, IN PART TWO, OUT IN THE GARDEN
DG: Ha, I have totally conquered the maze and found the big tall oak tree in the middle!
JEB: Ha, I have also arrived to flirt with you, flirtily!
DG: Excellent, let's climb the tree.
JEB: Awesome. Hey, there's my dad and Ambrose, strolling.
DG: I'm so glad they're getting along. Hey, Ambrose was just totally trying to hold you dad's hand.
JEB: And he totally didn't let him. Sort of. Didn't see that coming.
DG: Me either. Well, Ambrose I can see cuz he's played by Alan Cumming but your dad-
JEB: -totally rejected him.
DG: Noooo, there was something in his ~eyes~.
JEB: This is uncomfortable. We should flirt more.
DG: Win!
A MONTH LATER
DG: Your dad really needs to sell that riverside property in Egypt.
JEB: Probably.
DG: Meanwhile we should continue flirting and dancing because there's a ball in a week.
UP IN THE TOWER
WYATT: Zero totally escaped and we need to discuss-
AMBROSE: It can wait, WTF is your problem?
WYATT: WTF is your problem?
AMBROSE: Love me, damnit!
WYATT: Ew, no, I refuse to catch teh ghey.
AMBROSE: You mean teh bi. Anyway, my heart and soul bleed and die to be near you-
WYATT: Yawn.
AMBROSE: Wow you're an ass. I'm going to go be emo now.
WYATT: I win! Tootles!
LATER, AT CASA CAIN
JEB: WTF is your problem?
WYATT: Not now, Jebby.
JEB: This is about Ambrose, yeah? You should really be less of an ass to him. It is okay to ~open your heart~.
WYATT: Rawr I refuse to catch teh ghey!
JEB: ...seriously, get over yourself. I'd offer more advice but I'm too busy wooing a princess.
WYATT: Bzuh?
BACK AT THE TOWER
AMBROSE: Fuck this, I am leaving a note and running away.
THE NEXT DAY, IN THE THRONE ROOM
WYATT: Hello ladies, why y'all crying?
THE QUEEN: Care to explain this note from my now-vanished advisor?
WYATT: Bzuh?
THE NOTE: "I'm resigning. And running away. BTW Wyatt I love you but you suck."
WYATT: Well damn.
DG: I am going to go all growly and smack you around and demand you go find him and bring him back since he was always my favorite. And maybe smack you again.
WYATT: Okay, bye!
ON THE ROAD
AMBROSE: Stupid out of gas car, I shall conceal you under these branches and trudge further. On foot. Emoly.
LATER
WYATT: Damnit, why am I always stuck with a horse?
JEB: I'll come with you!
WYATT: No, you stay here and woo your princess!
JEB: ...okay!
IN THE REALM OF THE OBVIOUS METAPHOR
AMBROSE: This looks like a perfect den of scum and villainy, I shall fit in nicely here. And now I shall drink and drink and-
ZERO: Well well welly well-well, then, what do we have here?
BACK ON THE ROAD
WYATT: A car! Ambrose's car! I shall rest here a moment and try to figure out where- OH NO HE DIDN'T.
THE NEXT MORNING, IN THE REALM OF THE UNREQUITED
ZERO: My God he's annoying and will not shut up, I shall channel my Topeka self and set his useless ass up in a convoluted death trap.
AMBROSE: Excellent, I shall embrace death as an end to my misery! Also thanks for trussing me up like a scarecrow in this dramatically lit cave. Clever of you to know that direct exposure to sunlight is my one true weakness.
ZERO: Wow you're nuts. Tootles!
LATER, IN THE REALM OF THE UNRELIABLE
WYATT: Anybody seen a crazy weepy guy in a nice coat?
WAITRESS: Some guys in black leather hauled him off. Lucky boy.
WYATT: Zeeerroooooooooo! Curses, he shall forever destroy all I love- waitamin, LOVE?
RANDOM CRAZY LADY: Your scarecrow was taken to yonder cave. I can say no more.
WYATT: Please say no more.
LATER, IN A CAVE SYSTEM OFF THE REALM OF THE UNBELIEVABLE
WYATT: This one? No. This one? No. This one- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AMBROSE: Actually I'm not dead yet.
WYATT: Yay! OMG I'm so sorry and I love you and I'm sorry I was an ass and DG totally hit me. It hurt.
AMBROSE: That's nice, can we go home now?
LATER, UP IN THE TOWER, AT THE TELESCOPE OF SPYING
AZ: Wyatt's coming back! He's got Ambrose!
DG: Are they cuddling?
AZ: Yes!
DG: Woohoo!
IN THE THRONE ROOM
WYATT: Brought you something!
AMBROSE: Hai guise!
THE QUEEN: ...the hell happened to you?
AMBROSE: Zero tried to sunburn me to death.
THE QUEEN: That sucks. But have you two resolved your differences?
WYATT: You might say that. Excuse me, I need to snog your advisor in front of everyone.
AMBROSE: ...really? That was so unromantic.
WYATT: Sorry, let's try that again. Elsewhere.
EVERYONE: Huzzah and wild applause!
LATER THAT WEEK, AT THE BALL
WYATT: Wow you can dance.
AMBROSE: Duh. Oh hey, DG and Jeb are being adorable.
AHAMO: They shall totally be married this winter.
THE QUEEN: And you two can have yet another silly lead/follow dancing joke at their reception.
AMBROSE: Oh gawd get me out of this fic.
WYATT: Don't worry, sweetheart, it's almost over.
THE END