More on femininity, beauty, relationships
Yesterday dimethirwen and I ventured to Om Shan Tea in an effort to find a tea house to replace the gloriousness that is Teaism in D.C. Om Shan Tea is a cute little hippy joint with Moroccan foot stools and big round tables and employs people with names like Halo.
Anyway, yesterday as dimethirwen and I sat enjoying our delicious tea my friend B walked in with a friend of hers, completely unexpectedly! It was such a lovely surprise and felt so good to run into someone I know randomly.
I talked to B today and she said:
"I spoke to my friend and he was trying to describe this woman he went on a date with last night and he said, 'She wasn't like Krsnas_favorite who has gorgeousness oozing from every pore.' He mentioned it really casually just as a descriptor."
I completely fell onto the floor with my mouth open in total shock.
As I recounted this story to my mother I found myself wanting to say, "But I don't like him like that." See because for me I equate a compliment like that from a male to automatically mean he wants to do me/date me.
Two things. One, that's not true. I think loads of people are beautiful but I don't want to have sex with them. For instance, I think Blake Lively is smoking hot but if she were to invite me into bed I'd be really perplexed. Similarly, I think Ben Affleck is might purty but I don't want to have sex with him.
Two, so what? So what if someone thinks I'm hot and wants to sleep with me?
As a freshman in high school a guy on the JV soccer team made a comment to my brother that I was hot. Instead of basking in the knowledge someone found me attractive, I felt awkward and uncomfortable around him. Because for some reason I thought I had to let him know I didn't like him like that. (No we didn't have that conversation.) I've automatically equated beauty and attractiveness with sex so I haven't let myself shine. Because if I didn't let my beauty come out no one would want to sleep with me and thus there wouldn't be the possibility of getting hurt. I wouldn't have to deal with all those dynamics.
So where I am today is recognizing all my old beliefs about beauty and femininity and defense mechanisms can be shed. It is safe to present myself to the world. And even if someone did ask me out I don't have to say yes. The choice is mine, the power is in my hands. Trying to "uglify" myself doesn't help anyone. It is safe for me to be beautiful. It is safe for me to be attractive. I don't have to hide my true nature or worry about someone finding me attractive because I am a fully functioning adult completely capable of handling herself. People can think whatever they want about me and if someone does decide to ask me out I can take it from there. I don't need to future trip or plan outcomes for things that haven't happened. I don't need to safeguard myself from the get-go. I can take things as they come. I think I've proven that time and time again.
Anyway, yesterday as dimethirwen and I sat enjoying our delicious tea my friend B walked in with a friend of hers, completely unexpectedly! It was such a lovely surprise and felt so good to run into someone I know randomly.
I talked to B today and she said:
"I spoke to my friend and he was trying to describe this woman he went on a date with last night and he said, 'She wasn't like Krsnas_favorite who has gorgeousness oozing from every pore.' He mentioned it really casually just as a descriptor."
I completely fell onto the floor with my mouth open in total shock.
As I recounted this story to my mother I found myself wanting to say, "But I don't like him like that." See because for me I equate a compliment like that from a male to automatically mean he wants to do me/date me.
Two things. One, that's not true. I think loads of people are beautiful but I don't want to have sex with them. For instance, I think Blake Lively is smoking hot but if she were to invite me into bed I'd be really perplexed. Similarly, I think Ben Affleck is might purty but I don't want to have sex with him.
Two, so what? So what if someone thinks I'm hot and wants to sleep with me?
As a freshman in high school a guy on the JV soccer team made a comment to my brother that I was hot. Instead of basking in the knowledge someone found me attractive, I felt awkward and uncomfortable around him. Because for some reason I thought I had to let him know I didn't like him like that. (No we didn't have that conversation.) I've automatically equated beauty and attractiveness with sex so I haven't let myself shine. Because if I didn't let my beauty come out no one would want to sleep with me and thus there wouldn't be the possibility of getting hurt. I wouldn't have to deal with all those dynamics.
So where I am today is recognizing all my old beliefs about beauty and femininity and defense mechanisms can be shed. It is safe to present myself to the world. And even if someone did ask me out I don't have to say yes. The choice is mine, the power is in my hands. Trying to "uglify" myself doesn't help anyone. It is safe for me to be beautiful. It is safe for me to be attractive. I don't have to hide my true nature or worry about someone finding me attractive because I am a fully functioning adult completely capable of handling herself. People can think whatever they want about me and if someone does decide to ask me out I can take it from there. I don't need to future trip or plan outcomes for things that haven't happened. I don't need to safeguard myself from the get-go. I can take things as they come. I think I've proven that time and time again.