I am not okay.

[kriscynical]

I mentioned this in my 2010 memes post, but after contemplating things for the last few days I feel the need to talk about it more in depth re: my emotional/mental state for the past year. I think part of it stems from the one year anniversary of Angeline's death coming up so soon combined with the memes making me look back on the year as a whole

Comments

[miss_mimosa]

I'm sorry that you've had such a rough year. But the important thing is that you've a.) recognized what's causing you to feel/act the way you are b.) decided what you need to do in order to get back to who you were & how you want to be & c.) that you're doing it for yourself & saying 'fuck off' when you need to. I'm one of those people who will run myself ragged trying to do things for others & it took me a long time to learn to say "I need to work on ME first. I need to be how/who/what I want to be before I can worry about everyone else."

Best of luck with this resolution & if you ever need an ear to spout off to, I'm here. : )

[in_the_blue]

Hey Kris, we don't really know one another and I don't want this to come off as oh, some Internet person putting hugs out there because it's the easy and safe and simple thing to do, but let me tell you that I have no shortage of admiration for your level of self-awareness. We live in a culture where it's not okay to say I hurt and it's not okay to say I don't know. We're expected to be all right and have the perfect answers for everything and everyone; we're expected to shunt aside our own feelings and compromise in the name of others. But you are absolutely right: if we don't take care of ourselves, then we're no good to anyone else. So good for you for making the realization and staking the personal claim you need to get yourself going again. Finding ourselves is a never-ending process, but most people don't even start asking the question: What do I need to do? I'm glad to see you doing it.

[luxken27]

One of the biggest things about bereavement is that it takes a long time for it to pass - and the closer you are, the longer it takes. I'm incredibly sorry to hear you've had a shit year, but reading your words (and they are strong, beautiful words), I can only nod my head in commiseration. It takes about two years to "get over" a death, so don't punish yourself too much for losing a year to this...in some ways, you're right on track, crazy and fucked up as that may seem.

I don't think you're wrong in putting yourself first and trying to heal your own pain. You're right, you can't help others until you help yourself. (Have you considered any sort of counseling or therapy? I know its more expensive than medication - one of the biggest griefs I have, working in this field - but it could potentially be beneficial, to have one person not connected to you to spill your guts to like this.)

If you ever need someone to talk to or want someone to vent at, feel free to contact me. Just consider that a standing offer =)

[kriscynical]

My parents have asked me the same thing since I recently told them something quite similar to everything I wrote here. How I am not okay, I need them to give me some leeway to be mood-swingy, sleep a lot, for my Dad to try not to deliberately push my buttons, and that I need them to focus a little attention on ME in addition to constantly trying to keep my niece happy. They haven't ignored me, but they've thought I was fine all this time so they've focused most all of their attention on Bree and what's going on with her. The divorce has been a GOOD thing since it gets her away from her dad who she hates, but he's been really shitty during the process and two of their three dogs had to be put down over the summer. She's on medication now until things calm down, which I wish I could do so so badly but can't. If I did go on anti-depressants, even temporarily, I can kiss ever getting insurance again goodbye. They don't want you if you take SLEEPING pills because they equate to depression. (I'm serious. It was in a rejection letter my

[luxken27]

I'm really happy to hear you've discussed this with your parents, especially if they've been part of the problem, knowingly or not. I hope things will change for you guys now that the cards are out on the table.

As I told my parents, I don't need counseling or therapy. I don't need to pay that much just to have someone say "you are suffering because you watched your sibling die and you are conflicted about multiple things; you need to take time for yourself to heal", and my parents agreed (not about the money part but the fact that I'm pretty clear on what's going on with myself and I don't need someone else to tell me what I already know).Well, counseling is a little bit more than that ;), but it's also a long process, which is the part insurance companies hate. As long as you're aware of the depths of your problems, and you have some outlet for them, that's great. I really, really hope things get better for you ~ I guess the main thing is to not get too frustrated with yourself if things don't move fast enough in the right

[ryupioupiou]

You really had a shitty year but yes, getting over a loss is really hard no matter what, and putting yourself before everybody else is really a good thing because you need to repair yourself. I feel a little guilty for commissioning you with all this s*it on your shoulders.
I know you can do it and if you need anything yu can ask me if you want to of course :)

[kriscynical]

Oh no, believe me, I need commissions to make a living. You shouldn't feel bad for commissioning me! This WAS part of why it took me so long to actually get it done, though, which I felt bad about. :/

[ryupioupiou]

Don't worry, I completely understand it. I knew you weren't really yourself at the moment, but I didn't know it was that much. And as I said a lot of times, I am really patient. Healing yourself is really what matters right now :)

[fay_yasha]

T be honest I've been waiting for this post from you. The few times we talked at the beginning of 2010 before and after Angeline passed, I knew you were hurting. Hurting and pushing it down and away because you had to be the strong one for your family. Being the strong one takes such strength in and of itself, but to recognize the depth of your hurt and make the decision to work on getting better takes an inner strength like no other.

I know you can put the pieces back together, to build the new and better you. You will overcome this and yes it won't happen overnight, but you have family and friends who love and care for you. People who will be there for you, cheering you on. You are the person you dare and dream to be down inside and I can't wait to watch you find your light and passion again.