Remember the dreams.

[kramskii]

Prompt: MOAR FREEWRITING [but really, it's about butterflies]
Community: your_scribbles
Title: A grave, so shallow. Maybe? I don't know.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Really kind of um, how to say... Out there. Possible character death. Hallucinations, if you can find them, and the sad little tale of someone who can't let go.
Authors Notes: Listen to the

Comments

[jetster]

Really great!

I think some of your word choices could have been a little better to fit in with the tone that you had (eg. "Just remember, and all will be good.'" because of cliches in the english language, we expect to hear "all will be well", so the effect of saying 'good' is jarring - this can be a good thing sometimes, but I think this piece benefits of having a good flow, and I'd prefer to focus on your imagery rather than be distracted by your choice of words)

The surreal stuff could be strengthened by this too - I really like how you've used it, but at times you can be a little more subtle and the story won't suffer for it - for example, that last line before the poem "Never to be seen alive again." would be awesome and more powerful if you used the same sort of ambiguity you have earlier in the piece.

The repetition of words works really well, and as mentioned I like the surreal bits and imagery! Would love to read again if you choose to re-draft it!

[kramskii]

Thanks!

It's nice to know people actually read my stuff! :)

And thank you for the advice. I might re-write this is the future but, just so you know, 'and all will be good' sounds more normal then 'all will be well'. At least to me. The funny thing about the English language is that it's different where ever you go.

I wasn't trying to be ambiguous, but I guess that is how it came across. Again, thank you fro your advice. :)

[writing2death]

I also like the repetition of words here :)
It has a really interesting feel to it!
Thanks for filling the prompt!

[kramskii]

Thanks!