Possession -- Chapter 8
Kris was more nervous than ever about the performance that night. He couldn't focus, couldn't think about the songs he was singing or the audience or anything but the conversation he knew was going to take place that night once they'd all left the stage and returned to their hotel.
Somehow he managed to get through his set and the finale, even faking his way through the onstage interaction with Adam that the crowds always seemed to love so much, without losing it completely. He was quiet and withdrawn, but kept it together, smiling and pretending to listen as the Idols greeted their fans after the show at the barricades.
Throughout it all, there was only one thought running on repeat through his mind.
I have to get Adam to forgive me. Somehow, I have to make him see how sorry I am.
Finally, after what felt to Kris like an eternity, the Idols were in their hotel rooms for the night. Kris didn't have a key to Adam's room -- hadn't had one or tried to get one since the night when everything had fallen apart so horribly -- and besides, this was Adam's call, anyway. Kris knew that he had to wait for Adam to come to him, no matter how difficult that might be.
Doesn't matter if it's hard for you. It should be hard for you, after what you did to him.
He paced back and forth across the faded carpet of his hotel room, mentally rehearsing the words he would say when Adam finally gave him the chance. He went over dozens of versions of the apology he knew he owed, but none of them seemed to be right.
None of them seemed to be enough.
He jumped at the sound of the quiet knock on his door, wide eyes staring at it as he suddenly felt trapped, claustrophobic -- and utterly unprepared for the confrontation he knew was about to take place. His mouth was dry and his heart pounding, as he made his way on trembling legs toward the door.
He opened it and stepped back to allow Adam entrance, not quite daring to meet his eyes -- afraid to see the expression on his face.
He drew in a deep breath, feeling the overwhelming need to fill the silence that accompanied Adam's entrance. "Adam, I... I'm so sorry..."
"No."
Adam's voice was firm, certain, and Kris looked hesitantly up to see him holding up a halting hand, his jaw set in resolve, his expression calm and controlled.
"No, I... I don't need to hear that. I don't need to hear anything from you right now. What I need is for you to listen to me for a change."
Kris bit his lower lip, nodding once, his head lowered in response to the stern reproof. He felt a little like a child being scolded -- except such discipline was far less than he deserved for the torment he'd allowed Adam to endure. He kept silent, simply waiting for Adam to go on.
"What you did to Danny..." Adam continued at last, his words quiet and carefully measured. "... that was... good. I'm glad you did that, because... he deserved it." The faint tremor in Adam's voice made Kris's heart ache with the reminder of the trauma he'd experienced. "But... it doesn't make up for what happened."
"I know..."
"Shut up."
Adam didn't raise his voice, didn't show any obvious signs of anger; and yet there was something so arresting, so subtly warning in his voice that Kris felt a shiver of apprehension go down his spine, and instinctively knew that it was in his best interest to obey those soft words of command.
"I begged you not to make me go, Kris." Adam's voice broke slightly over the words, and Kris felt a hard knot forming in his throat, along with a hot burning behind his eyes. "I fell on my freakin' knees in front of you and begged you not to make me go to him... and you wouldn't listen to me then. You... you made me go to him. You threatened to leave me if I didn't."
Adam was quiet for so long that Kris finally ventured to look up at his face, blinking away his own guilty tears to see the torment etched in Adam's expression. Adam's voice was barely over a whisper when he spoke again, but the words struck Kris through the heart with a blinding agony of deserved rejection.
"I should have just let you go."
Kris's stomach dropped, and he felt an overwhelming sense of panic closing in on him at the suggestion. His voice cracked, his shaking lips barely able to form the words to protest.
"Adam, please... I'm so sorry..."
"Sorry doesn't take it back!" Adam snapped, his voice rising at last as he took a step nearer to where Kris stood. "It still happened, Kris, no matter how hard you try to say the right words! You can't make it not have happened!" He paused, drawing in a shaky breath before continuing, his voice a little smaller and carrying just a trace of uncertainty. "And... I'm not sure you can ever make it up to me."
Kris didn't really mean to move at all, but his panic drove him to close the distance between himself and Adam, reaching out to grasp Adam's arm gently as he tried to meet his eyes, a desperate urgency in his voice.
"Adam, I'll do anything! I'm so sorry! Just... just tell me what I can do to..."
Kris's words broke off abruptly as Adam jerked free of his hand and shoved him backward, hard. Stumbling, Kris fell back against the wall, cringing as he realized that Adam had followed him and was now standing unsettlingly close, his eyes blazing with fury inches from Kris's face.
"Anything, Kris?" he challenged, his voice low and trembling, dangerously on the edge of losing control. "Anything?"
Kris bit back a startled cry as Adam shoved him again, knocking him forcefully against the wall behind him. He was reminded with painful irony of just how much larger and stronger than him Adam really was -- how easily he could have turned the tables on him at any moment during their arrangement had he so chosen -- and it made him feel worse than ever.
He trusted you... he trusted you enough to give you that control... and you betrayed him.
"Can you take it back?" Adam hissed in his face, and Kris looked up at him, only to look away in shame when he saw the unheeded tears that streaked Adam's face. "Can you make it so it didn't happen? I don't think so!"
"I-I'm sorry..." Kris whispered again, uselessly. He knew it wasn't enough, but he wasn't sure he had anything else to offer. "Adam, I'm so sorry..."
Hesitantly, he reached out a trembling hand toward Adam, intending to somehow try to soothe him, to calm him down before the situation got out of hand. Before he could make contact, however, Adam caught his wrist and slammed it back against the wall, the impact with his knuckles causing Kris to let out a little cry of pain.
“No!” Adam snapped. “No, you don’t get to touch me!”
Adam didn't seem the least bit bothered by the knowledge that he had hurt Kris. In fact, he grabbed Kris's other wrist and pinned it against the wall as well, holding him there.
"How does it feel, Kris?" he whispered, bitter fury in his tearful voice. "How does it feel to be so helpless? To know that I could do whatever I want to you right now, and you couldn't stop it? To not have any say at all over what happens to you in the next few minutes?" His voice lowered, barely audible, as he added, “Are you listening to me now?”
Kris's heart raced with panic, but he forced himself to keep still, not daring to try to escape Adam's grasp. He was almost certain that Adam wouldn't actually hurt him -- almost -- but he didn't want to take the chance with Adam in such an emotionally volatile state.
He closed his eyes, turning his face away. He swallowed hard, but the motion was painful in his dry throat. His breath was rapid and unsteady as he fought off the fight or flight impulse that pushed him to react, to push Adam away, to free himself from the domination of the other. Realization struck Kris with agonizing clarity, accompanied by an overwhelming wave of guilt.
God. He was able to submit to me so long, and he didn't have to -- not for a minute. And he's had me pinned for twenty seconds and I can't stand it.
He is so much stronger than I am.
And... he has every right to do anything he wants to me right now.
"I was... was so wrong, Adam," Kris whispered at last, not opening his eyes, keeping his face turned away. "I was so wrong to... to do that to you... all of it. I shouldn't have... have pushed you to do... things you didn't want to. I... I don't deserve you."
"No. No, you don't."
Kris flinched, stung by the words, but having no answer to refute them. He knew that Adam was right.
"Do whatever you want, Adam," Kris continued, his voice trembling with a mixture of fear and desperation as he leaned back against the wall, his wrists relaxing as much as possible in Adam's grasp as he struggled to make himself submit. "Whatever you need to do."
Adam froze, and his voice came out in a strangled, horrified whisper when at last he responded.
"Wh-what?"
"I deserve it," Kris insisted softly. "I know I do. And... I don't know what else to do. I know I don't deserve for you to take me back, but... do anything you want, Adam, just... just please... please forgive me..."
Adam remained still for just a moment longer before releasing Kris with a slight shove, a quiet sound of shocked disgust escaping his lips as he backed away. Kris opened his eyes and looked up at him, confused to see the appalled look of horror on Adam's face as he slowly shook his head.
"You think that'll help anything?" he whispered. "You think me hurting you like you hurt me is going to fix this?"
Confused, Kris swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I... I don't..."
Adam didn't give him the chance to finish. Abruptly, he headed for the door, slamming it behind him. Kris heard his footsteps as he stalked furiously down the hall, and his heart sank with the realization that he had blown it completely. Adam had come here to talk to him, and Kris had completely missed the cues and blown their only chance to work things out.
Please. Like you deserve him, anyway, now. He's better off without you. Just let him go.
But Kris knew that he was not better off without Adam. He couldn't stand the thought of losing him, though at this point it seemed that the choice had been taken out of his hands. He had broken their relationship beyond repair, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Thirty minutes later when Kris's phone rang, his heart leapt up into his throat and he stared at it for a long time, trying not to let himself hope. It had rung three times by the time he finally reached to pick it up.
"H-hello?"
"I've changed my mind."
Kris felt a momentary rush of relief -- followed by an uneasy sense of apprehension as the joy of hearing Adam's voice faded enough to allow him to focus on the actual words he had spoken.
"You've... what?"
Adam's voice was cool and commanding -- something Kris was not accustomed to hearing from him these days. "Come to my room. I've decided that there is something I want from you."
Kris hesitated, his mind racing, trying to figure out what might have happened to change Adam's mind. "And it might... might fix us?" he ventured, cringing inwardly at the timid, insecure sound of his own voice.
Adam's voice was hard as he retorted quietly. "It might fix me. That's the best I'm hoping for right now. But if you're really sorry... if you really want to make it up to me... you'll come, now."
And without any further explanation, he hung up the phone. Kris stared at the silent receiver for a long time before setting it slowly back in its cradle. He considered for a moment, fearful questions running through his mind as he tried to figure out what Adam might be planning, what he might be walking into if he made the short trip down the hall to Adam's room.
In the end, he decided that even if there was only the slightest chance -- and even if that chance was not to get Adam back, but only to undo the damage he had done -- that chance was worth anything Adam might do to him.
His decision made, Kris got up and made his way down the hall toward Adam's room.
TBC...