Tainted -- Chapter 16
He couldn’t bring himself to look up, couldn’t bear the shame of his breaking - but Adam knew that Allison wasn’t buying it.
Of course she wasn’t.
She was too smart, and she knew him far too well.
Adam felt like an idiot and a child, leaning on her for comfort and support when she was so much younger, so much less capable of dealing with the kind of horror that filled his mind and memories. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame as her soft, helplessly comforting words filled his ears. He knew that there was no way he could possibly burden her with the truth.
But… that didn’t mean he couldn’t let her hug him.
Adam felt so alone, so lost, confused and utterly helpless in his situation, that the simple contact with someone he knew loved him, wanted to help him - even if he couldn’t let her - was far too enticing and desperately needed for him to resist it.
“Adam,” Allison murmured after a moment, an anxious ache in her voice that tugged at his heart and renewed his guilt. “You know… you can talk to me… if you want to.”
“I… I know,” he whispered, reluctantly raising his head, still unable to bring himself to face her. “I know I can.”
But he couldn’t.
“Is it… what happened before?” Allison’s voice was gentle and hesitant, and she grimaced after the words, visibly embarrassed by the awkward, obvious question. “Are you… are you scared, or…?”
Adam shook his head, forcing a little laugh as he raised a hand to wipe wearily at the tears that streaked his face. “No, it’s not that, I… I’m just… I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. It’s just that… I haven’t spent so much time at home for… for years, really, and… and just… going back out on tour, and… I… guess I’m just a little… homesick, you know? That’s all.”
Allison gave him a dubious look, and Adam felt his face flush self-consciously. Clearly she knew better than to believe that explanation. He’d been on his own for years now, long before Idol - was used to traveling and being in different places all the time and not being with his family. There was no way that a little homesickness would have him crying alone in his room, let alone bawling like a child on the shoulder of his seventeen-year-old tour-mate - and they both knew it.
Allison mercifully let it go, pretending to accept his explanation. “Okay,” she replied quietly. “I get that way, too, sometimes. If you’re… lonely, I… I can stay as long as you want…”
Adam leaned back a little, edging out of physical contact with her in a subtle indication that he was ready to be alone. He waved a dismissive hand, rolling his eyes and giving her a smile. “That’s okay, sweetie. I’m fine, I promise. I just… need to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow, and I can’t look beautiful with bags under my eyes, can I?”
“I get it. I’ll go, then, and let you get your sleep.” Allison lowered her gaze, her shoulders slumping with visible disappointment before she looked up to meet his eyes again, her expression solemn and stern. “But… if you need anything… if you need to… to talk about it or whatever… you come find me, okay? I don’t care what time it is. I’m just across the hall, okay?”
Adam nodded, his brave but utterly false smile plastered in place as she leaned in to give him one last quick hug before rising to her feet and making her way toward the door. Once she had left, Adam made his way to the bathroom and washed what was left of the makeup from his face before getting into his pajamas and lying down. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told her that he needed to get some rest.
He didn’t sleep a single minute that night.
Sometime around seven - half an hour from the time when the Idols were supposed to gather for a quick breakfast - Adam gave up and rose wearily from the bed, making his way to the bathroom to attempt to make himself look presentable.
Five minutes after breakfast, he couldn’t remember what he’d had or even who he’d sat with during the meal. He sleepwalked through his day, following directions and doing his best to keep up with the other Idols and their handlers as they made their way through the rehearsals, sound checks, and other preliminaries until it was finally time for the show.
There were two armed guards outside his dressing room, and he knew that no one could get to him there. Still, with every innocent sound he heard from just outside the door, Adam jumped, wide eyes darting toward the noise in alarm. He couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how well guarded he was, Larissa could find a way to get herself - or someone else - past those guards.
She had proven it more than once already, hadn’t she?
Finally, there was a soft knock on the dressing room door, followed immediately by the voice of one of the handlers.
“Adam? You’re on in ten.”
He rose to his feet, drawing in a deep, shaky breath and wiping his damp palms against his pants as he gave himself one last, long look in the mirror. Even through the makeup, he looked pale and worn to his own eyes - but he didn’t think it would show from the stage. He steadied himself with an effort, his hands clenching into fists at his sides to still their trembling.
This is it, he told himself with a look of grim resolve. This is what you’ve been waiting for.
And it was exactly what he needed.
Halfway through his first song, Adam began to lose himself in the music. His exhaustion faded, giving way to the adrenaline rush as he belted out the lyrics and sauntered across the stage, drinking in the screams and cheers of his audience - fuel on the tiny, flickering flames of his confidence that had been reduced to nothing more than embers before this moment.
For twenty glorious minutes, Adam didn’t think about the fears and concerns that would be waiting for him when he stepped off that stage. He didn’t think about what had happened to him in the past few weeks, or what could possibly happen to him again if he didn’t carefully watch every step.
All he thought about was the music, the crowd, and how absolutely perfect this moment was.
Surrounded by thousands of people screaming his name, loving him as he loved them right back - how could he have been any safer?
Maybe it was the exhaustion of two days on a single night of sleep - or maybe it was the fulfillment and the only sheer joy he’d felt in as long as he could remember that allowed him to sleep that night from the moment his head hit the pillow, until it was time to wake up the next morning - at peace, unhindered by a single nightmare.
The next morning, he found himself smiling without having to fake it, humming the songs from the night before to himself as the Idols milled about in the parking lot, getting ready to board the buses to head for the next show. None of his family had been able to come to this particular show, so Adam just sat patiently on the step of the boys’ bus, watching idly as the others hugged various friends and family members, saying their goodbyes.
His smile finally faltered when Kris and Larissa came down from Kris’s hotel room. They separated near the door; Kris went to say goodbye to Michael’s wife and kids, who had made it out for the show the night before, while Larissa began making her rounds saying goodbye to the other Idols.
Adam’s heart began to race, his mouth going dry as he watched her hug Lil and then Megan in turn.
Eventually she’s going to get to me. Or maybe she won’t even notice me here; maybe she’ll pretend not to, and use it as an excuse to avoid having to fake it in front of everybody…
Who am I kidding? She’s not afraid of faking it. She’s a damn expert at faking it.
She’ll do it just to fuck with my head.
Adam watched with rising apprehension as Larissa hugged Allison, smiling and saying something to her that he couldn’t hear. Allison returned her smile, though as Larissa walked away, Adam thought he caught a trace of a pensive, troubled frown on the younger girl’s face.
God, I hope she didn’t pick up on anything last night. Think, did you say anything? Give her any clue that maybe something wasn’t… Oh, shit, she’s headed this way… oh, God, no… no, this can’t happen…
Adam thought about getting up and retreating into the bus before she could reach him - but realized with a sinking, sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that that would only be worse. The only thing worse than having to endure Larissa’s fake sentiments would be being trapped alone with her on the bus, where she would be free to let the mask fall.
At least out here, with everybody watching, she can’t hurt me… can’t touch me, can’t let them see…
And then she was there, in front of him, smiling coldly down into his wide, frightened eyes. He knew he probably looked like the trapped animal he felt like. He froze, tense and terrified as she leaned down and put her arms around him, one hard hand at the back of his neck holding him in place, not allowing him to pull away as she tilted her head to whisper into his ear.
“Don’t you dare pull away, or let on that anything’s wrong.”
Adam shook his head almost imperceptibly, a silent indication that he wouldn’t. He couldn’t have spoken if he’d tried. Larissa’s lips formed a cruel smile against his skin as she continued, her acid words dripping deadly poison.
“He was there last night, you know.”
Adam’s stomach dropped, and all the breath left his lungs in a swift rush that left him gasping, horrified. Larissa’s fingers played through his hair as she spoke again, her words inaudible to anyone but him - not that anyone was close enough to hear or paying them any attention anyway.
“I wonder if he enjoyed the show.”
Larissa drew back to meet his eyes, malicious amusement in her narrowed gaze as she touched his cheek in a false display of affection. Her touch revolted him, but Adam dared not pull away, terrified of doing something to anger her. He couldn’t speak, could barely breathe, and couldn’t break her gaze as she spoke in a voice that was only slightly louder - still far outside the hearing range of anyone around them.
“Don’t forget, Adam,” she warned him with a soft, cruel smile. “I’ll have someone in every crowd.”
And then her hand fell from his face, and she turned and walked casually away, making her way to the other Idols and then finally to Kris, as if nothing had happened.
Adam sat there for several moment’s longer, shocked - shattered. The other Idols, the hotel, everything around them faded into silence, Larissa’s menacing words echoing over and over in his mind. Without even realizing he was moving, Adam rose on shaking legs, grasping the railing desperately as he pulled himself up the steps and into the solitude of the bus.
He stumbled to the tiny restroom in the back, where he collapsed to his knees in front of the toilet there. He didn’t bother to try to close the door; it wouldn’t have closed anyway, with his long legs folded under him blocking the doorway. The world spun around him as Adam’s stomach revolted under the pressure of Larissa’s threatening, taunting words, ejecting the remains of his breakfast up into the toilet.
I wonder if he enjoyed the show...
TBC...