Fanfic: The Memory Keeper (13/14)
Title: The Memory Keeper (A Kradam Fanfic)
Author: Radiogaga33
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Setting: AU
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Kris, Adam, etc are their own people. They belong to themselves, not to me. No claims to any copyrights, trademarks, or any other intellectual property. This is purely a work of fiction from my very idle mind. It never happened.
Notes: Okay, so here's thirteen. I'm gonna preemptively apologize for being like Kris in my story and breaking my promise for a double post. I have a load of work stuff to do. Boo RL. Why can't it be all rainbows and sunshine and free time all the time?
Comments welcome as always.
ETA: Final posts will be late Wed/early Thurs. I don't want you to keep F5-ing when there's nothing there. Sowwy. :-(
Chapters 1-5 can be accessed here: http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/606618.html
( Chapter 6: With My Arms Outstretched )
( Chapter 7: A Different Truth )
( Chapter 8: In The Name of Love )
( Chapter 9: How To Save A Life )
( Chapter 10: Things We Lost In the Fire )
( Chapter 11: Requiem )
( Chapter 12: The Human Condition )
The Memory Keeper
Chapter 13: Dil Se
Adam Lambert blinked repeatedly in the piercing sunshine filling his bedroom. He felt like a high school marching band had gone berserk in his head. For a few minutes after he woke up, he laid absolutely still, momentarily paralyzed by the deafening ringing in his skull and the throbbing ache in his body. So this is what a hangover feels like. Adam didn’t know how people suffered through this and were still willing to do it all over again another day. The thought of the liquor from the night before set off tiny alarm bells in his head. He felt like he ought to remember something. A hazy memory danced along the edge of his temporarily shattered mind. He could almost swear that-no. Adam immediately buried the errant thought. After two years, he knew better than to indulge fantasies of Kris coming back.
He blinked again in the bright sunshine. Adam sat up in the bed slowly as a thought struck him. He didn’t remember coming into the bedroom last night and yet, here he was. He shuddered as the memories of the last things he had done the night before hit him all at once. Saying goodbye to Matt at the Sunset Room. Pulling out the forgotten bottle of scotch from the kitchen cabinet. Leaving a single bullet in the chamber of his father’s gun and contemplating the end. He had wanted to die. He had looked out at the rest of his life, at twenty, thirty, maybe forty more years like the last two he had suffered through and he hadn’t been able to take it. Adam looked around him, noticing for the first time that his clothes from the night before were neatly folded on the armchair by the window and that he was completely naked. He didn’t remember doing that. He blinked tightly again. There was something. There was something he had to remember.
Adam cocked his head to the side when he heard a noise coming from outside the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and Adam could almost swear that he heard someone rustling around in the main room. He hadn’t come home with anyone. He was sure of that. He’d given up on using random strangers to fill the empty space Kris had left behind over a year ago. It had always failed. But someone was in his apartment. Matt? Of course, it was Matt. He’d probably gotten worried and come after Adam. The hazy memory began to clear somewhat. Adam saw Matt standing in his apartment reaching for the gun in his hand. Matt had saved his life. Adam couldn’t tell if he was happy or sad. All he knew for certain was that he was never drinking again. He cradled his aching head in his palms. He didn’t move when he heard the person enter his room.
“Matt, if the people who come in your bar all feel like this the morning after, I’m surprised none of them has sued you for infliction of emotional distress or something.” Adam chuckled softly at his own joke.
There was no answer.
“Matt?” Adam looked up and immediately dropped his jaw in surprise.
Instead of Matt, Kris was standing there holding a breakfast tray in his hands. Adam shook himself and closed his mouth. It wasn’t really Kris. He knew better than that.
“Go away,” he said warily. “I don’t need this today. I don’t have the strength.”
“Adam, it’s me.”
Adam was confused. The hallucination never talked. He stared hard at the figure in the doorway. Come to think of it, the hallucination had never quite looked like that either. This vision of Kris was broader, more muscular. This Kris was deeply tanned and his brown hair looked about two shades lighter, as if he’d spent months in the sun. Adam’s confusion deepened. Maybe Matt hadn’t come. Maybe he had pulled the trigger and he was already dead. Maybe this was his own special version of hell where he would be tempted eternally with a vision of Kris that he could never touch. Surely, God didn’t hate Adam that much.
The hallucination came closer and set the breakfast tray on his beside table. Then it leaned over Adam and held out its hands.
“Here, touch me. See?”
Adam reached out and grasped its arms. He was shocked when the warmth of the skin registered along his. He looked up in surprise. It was Kris.
“How…when?”
“I got here last night. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”
Last night. Adam let go and dropped his hands to his side. The memory was finally crystal clear. Kris had been there with Adam. Kris had seen him. He hung his head in shame.
Kris sat down beside him on the bed. Adam pulled the sheets up, suddenly hyper-aware of his nakedness. Kris picked up a mug from the tray and held it out to Adam.
“Here, drink this.”
Adam smelled the sickly sweet liquid in the cup and wrinkled his nose. Cola syrup.
“I don’t want it.”
“Sometimes the cure’s worse than the poison,” Kris replied.
“I can see that.”
“Yeah? Well keep that in mind next time you decide to go on a bender. Drink.” Kris thrust the mug into Adam’s hand. “Bottoms up.”
Adam shut his eyes tightly and swallowed the over-sweet liquid. Kris took the mug from him and set it on the tray. Adam opened his eyes.
“Now what?”
Kris gave him a half-smile. “Now you eat.”
Adam watched as Kris picked up the tray and laid it in his lap. He looked down. The plate on the tray was piled with three grilled cheese sandwiches and slices of apple. An old memory came to mind.
“You didn’t burn any of my pots making this, did you?” Adam asked.
Kris gave him a sheepish look. “Not this time. I’ve gotten a touch handier with cooking.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Adam filed away that tidbit of information and picked up a sandwich. As he chewed quietly he stared at the deep tan of Kris’s skin. When he had eaten everything, Kris took the tray and set it on the floor. Then he took his place beside Adam once again.
“Now what?” Adam asked.
Kris took a deep breath. “Now we talk.”
Suddenly, Adam needed a deep breath of his own.
“You were here last night. With Matt.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry that you saw…what you saw.” Adam thought of the gleaming metal of his father’s gun.
“Don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize for that. Or for anything, for that matter.” Kris’s voice was resolute.
“That’s not true. I owe you about a dozen apologies.”
“Because of the bet.”
“Yes. It’s why you left, isn’t it? You hated me for taking the bet.” Adam’s voice broke a little. “It’s been two years and I still don’t know what to say to make you believe me.”
Kris’s voice sounded strained. “There’s nothing to say.”
Adam hung his head again. Of course. For a moment, he had begun to let himself hope, to let himself believe that Kris had really come back for him. But it was just self-delusion. Kris had probably run into Matt somehow and had simply gotten dragged along into the debacle that was last night. He was probably counting the minutes until his nursing gig was over so Matt could take over and he could disappear once again to wherever he had been for the last two years. Adam sighed. He might as well have been the hallucination.
Kris’s next words shocked all the thoughts from his mind.
“Adam, look at me, please.” He looked up. “I know that you called off the bet with Patrick. I know that you weren’t lying to me. I know that you loved me. I’ve known it for almost two years.”
Adam felt like he was dying and being reborn all at once. He could barely hear his own voice when he spoke. “But….I don’t understand. If you knew, why did you stay away? Why did you leave me alone all this time if you knew that I loved you?”
Kris exhaled sharply and ran his fingers through his hair. Adam wondered why he was so agitated. Kris hopped off the bed and began to pace the room. The strain of following his movements made Adam’s throbbing head ache even harder.
“Kris, stop pacing.”
Kris continued to move back and forth, wringing his hands.
“Kris!” Kris jerked to a stop. “Stop pacing. Come back and sit down.”
Kris obeyed. Adam reached out tentatively and placed his hand on Kris’s thigh.
“Tell me.”
“I said you don’t need to apologize to me and I mean it. And it has nothing to do with last night. I am so sorry, Adam. I am so incredibly sorry for what I did. That night after the music school, I promised you-” Kris’s voice broke. His eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “I promised you that I would never let anyone hurt you again. I promised to protect you. And the first chance I got to live up to that promise, I broke it. I hurt you myself.” The tears fell. “I am so sorry. Please believe me. I didn’t mean it. Please forgive me.”
Adam felt like his heart would break in two. The sight of Kris’s tears did that to him. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he whispered. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does! What kind of person does what I did? What kind of person uses someone’s past against them? You trusted me and I broke your trust. I broke my promise. Of course it matters, Adam.”
Adam watched him cry. For a moment, he felt the two halves of himself pulling at each other. As Kris continued to cry, the part of Adam that hated to see him in pain wanted to soothe him, to tell him that what happened didn’t matter. But the other part, the part that had suffered for two years and finally broke down last night with a gun pressed to his head, refused to propagate the lie. It did matter.
But Kris was here now. They had a chance now.
“Kris, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I forgive you. It’s done.” Adam marveled at the incredible irony of the fact that after everything, he was the one soothing Kris, the one doing the forgiving.
“Is this why you’ve been gone all this time?”
Kris nodded slowly. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I could fix the damage I’d done.”
“So you ran away.”
“Yes.”
Adam felt the band that had been constricting his heart and lungs for two years begin to loosen. For two years, he had thought that Kris had run away because he couldn’t stand to be near Adam. For two years, he had thought that Kris hated him that much.
“Where have you been?”
“Asia.”
Adam’s eyes widened in surprise. Even in his most feverish imaginings, he had never thought Kris had run quite so far.
“What made you come back all of a sudden?”
Kris gave him a sad little smile. “Two days ago, I was in Agra, in India.”
“I’ve always wanted to go there.”
“Yeah? You should. We’ll go there together.”
Adam hitched an eyebrow. Kris was quiet for a moment after realizing what he’d just said. Kris was assuming they would be together. Adam watched him turn away.
“What happened in Agra?”
“I went to visit the Taj Mahal. Did you know that the king who built it did it for the woman he loved most in the world? She died in childbirth and he nearly went mad with grief. I wish you could have seen it with me. It’s almost inconceivable, this towering structure, the ultimate monument to love. But after the awe had passed, all that I was left with was the same old empty feeling. I started thinking, this king couldn’t have loved his wife any more than I love you. He couldn’t have wanted her any more than I want you. He couldn’t have needed her more. So, what was I doing wandering around Asia when I ought to be at home with you? I knew I had to come back. I knew I had to stop letting the fear keep me away. I was prepared to beg, to grovel, to stay on my knees in the rain for a week if you said that’s the way it had to be. I don’t know who I am without you.”
It should be impossible to feel this much happiness after two years of pain. Adam reached out and wrapped his arms around Kris. He began to shake again as a fresh wave of tears hit him.
“Don’t cry,” Adam murmured against his ear. “You came back. That’s all that matters. We can start all over again.”
Kris pushed against his chest. “You could have died because of me.”
Adam drew back. The light in his blue eyes dimmed. He didn’t want to think about last night.
“It wasn’t just about you.”
“Your father.”
Adam nodded. “I thought there was nothing left to live for. I thought I’d lost everything. I didn’t know. How could I have known you were coming back?” It was Adam’s turn to look away. He felt Kris reach out and cup his jaw a moment before he slowly turned Adam back towards him.
“I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you. Promise me, Adam. Promise me you’ll never go there again, wherever it is you went last night. Stay with me, please. I’m only alive when you’re here with me.”
Adam stared in surprise. He’d said those very words two years ago, on the night they’d made love. Had it really been so long?
“I promise,” he said solemnly.
“And promise me something else.”
“Anything.”
“Promise me that you’ll stay with me always. Promise me that we’ll never lie to each other again. That’s we’ll never keep secrets.”
“I promise.” Adam paused for a moment. “I love you.” He held his breath, waiting. Last night, he had almost ended everything, thinking that his love wasn’t good enough.
“I love you too. I’ve always loved you, Adam. I think I’ve been in love with you since you rescued me when I was fourteen and then strolled off into the sunset like some hero in a Harlequin romance novel.”
Adam laughed then. It was incredible to feel his body shaking with something other than despair. He hadn’t laughed since the morning when he’d slipped the seven plastic buttons from Kris’s shirt into the memory keeper. He let the waves of joy wash over him, basking in the sweet glow of sunshine and hope and Kris’s love. The trembling mess he had been only last night seemed like a shadowy creature from some myth. Adam was a million miles away from the blackness of last night.
But his head was still throbbing. He groaned and settled back against the pillows. He suddenly felt sleepy.
“Are you okay?” Kris asked.
“I’m fine.” Adam yawned.
“You should rest. Sleep off the rest of the hangover.”
“I don’t wanna fall asleep.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Say it again.”
“I promise.”
“No. Say you love me.”
Kris laughed. “I love you.”
Adam was sure he would never grow tired of hearing those words.
“I love you too.” A minute later, he was fast asleep.
* * *
They spent the next week holed up in Adam’s fancy apartment, rediscovering each other, relearning each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies. Matt called three times a day, speaking to each one alone for long minutes at a time. Adam begged Kris to tell him all about Asia and Kris indulged him. He loved the way Adam sat still, clearly spellbound as Kris told him all about the madness of Bangkok, the majesty of Angkor Wat, the dizzying rush of Mumbai, and the poetic beauty of the Ganges River at dawn. For his part, Kris laughed until his sides hurt while Adam told crazy tales of the past two years as a famous rock star. He hitched his eyebrows dramatically when Adam told him about over-eager fanboys and groupies. When he did, Adam would pounce on him, tickling him until he cried for mercy and Adam would stop and say “you know I only have eyes for you.”
But there was a dark undercurrent to their rediscovered joy. The gun was still in its box in the cabinet beneath the sink. Neither one had moved it or mentioned it. Several times at night, Kris would wake up and look to reassure himself that Adam was still there. Then he would let out a loud breath and stay awake for several minutes, replaying the image of Adam holding that gun to his head. He didn’t know it but after he fell back asleep, Adam would wake up and look to reassure himself that Kris was still there. Two years of pain, of doubt, of sorry, or guilt, of regret didn’t just disappear, it seemed. Even after forgiveness, it lingered on.
At the beginning of the second week, Matt joined them for dinner. Adam made them chicken provencal and roasted potatoes. After they’d eaten and both Matt and Kris had showered him with praise, the bartender had cleared his throat dramatically.
“What?” Adam had asked.
“I’m glad you’re doing better.”
“Thank you,” Adam replied. During their conversations on the phone over the past week, he had apologized and thanked Matt for saving his life over and over again.
“So, have you decided what to do about the tour? Are you going to call it off?”
Adam and Kris looked at each other. “There’s only a month left. I’ve decided to go back. Kris is going to come with me.” They had talked about it two days ago.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?”
“It’s only a month.”
“And what are you going to do about what happened a week ago?”
“Matt, I don’t think this is-”
Matt interrupted Kris. “Please, Kris. Clearly you guys have said what needed to be said between you two. And I’m happy for you. No one could be happier. But it’s time to stop dancing around the heart of the matter.” He gave Adam a hard look. “What happened was inevitable. You know it was. Maybe what happened between you two brought you to the edge faster but you would have come to it on your own. It’s been building long before Kris ever showed up.”
Adam couldn’t deny the truth in Matt’s words. He had been miserable long before Kris had entered his life. Last week hadn’t been about Kris alone.
“I know. I need help.”
Matt smiled. “Good. I’m glad you recognize that.” He leaned back in his seat. “Go. Finish your tour. But when you get back, you have to get help.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
They spent the rest of the evening engaged in stilted conversation. Eventually, Matt gave Adam a hug and Kris a handshake and left, promising to call in the morning. Adam walked him to the door and saw him out. When he returned, Kris was waiting for him. Without saying a word, Adam headed into the kitchen and pulled the small brown box from the cabinet. Kris followed him in. Methodically, Adam took apart the weapon and put each piece in a separate bag. He put the single round that had been in the chamber on the kitchen counter. The bullet gleamed in the light.
“We shouldn’t throw all the parts out at the same time. Someone could easily put it back together,” Kris said.
“I know. Each day, I’ll throw out a piece.”
Kris gestured at the bullet. “And what about that?”
“This one stays.” Adam picked up the bullet and walked past Kris. “Come,” he said over his shoulder. Adam walked into the living room and picked up the funeral program from the bookshelf Matt had slipped it onto. Then he walked into the bedroom and pulled the memory keeper from his closet. Kris gave him a questioning look when he set the brown leather box on the bed.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to keep these.”
“Why would you want to keep something that represents the lowest point of your life?”
“You don’t understand. They represent the highest point too. When I see them, yes, I’ll remember what happened a week ago. And that’s good because it’ll be a reminder that I can never allow myself to go there again. But I’ll also see the day when you came back to me.”
“I see.”
“Sometimes there’s a method to my madness.”
Kris smiled. He moved closer to Adam and opened the memory keeper, watching as Adam placed the funeral program and the bullet into the silk-lined interior. When he was done, Kris shut the box and slipped it under the bed. Then he sat down and pulled Adam down beside him.
Adam shivered slightly as he felt Kris’s turn and rake his brown eyes over his body. They hadn’t tried to make love at all in the last week. They hadn’t even kissed. Adam wasn’t sure why. He knew Kris wanted to. He’d caught enough passionate looks aimed in his direction to know that Kris wanted to touch him. Eventually, Adam realized that Kris must be afraid that Adam was still too fragile for that. Adam couldn’t say for certain that he wasn’t. The last time they’d made love, his whole world had gone to hell hours later. Proverbs about history repeating itself didn’t just spring up from nothing.
Adam leaned over and gave Kris a quick peck on the cheek. “Come on, let’s go to sleep.”
Kris hesitated. Adam waited to see if he would push it. He didn’t. Half an hour later, they were in bed, racing rapidly towards whatever dreams would come.
A week later, Adam rejoined the tour in Dayton with Kris at his side. For the next month, the band and Allison played to sold-out crowds up and down the eastern coast. When there were days to spare, Matt and Kris flew out to Arkansas to visit his family. As usual, Mrs. Allen fawned over Adam, catering to his every whim. His father wasn’t much better, beaming mightily at every little joke Adam made. It wasn’t just because of his father’s death. They had never forgotten the man who’d stayed by their son’s side for days on end two years ago. They knew he loved Kris. And for that, they loved Adam.
Finally, it was the end of the tour. The Citizen Vein had just given their greatest performance yet for 10,000 in Atlanta, Georgia. The excitement of the moment was catching. Kris couldn’t stop grinning when they finally tumbled into their hotel room at 2am that night. When Adam locked the door and turned around, he saw Kris staring intently at him. Something was up.
“I can’t wait anymore. You. Bedroom. Now.”
The grin on Adam’s face ran from ear to ear. He hurried into the bedroom of the hotel suite. It had been six weeks since his lover had come back. Kris didn’t need to tell him twice.
Inside, they undressed themselves at the same time, each one watching the other as he moved. When he was done, Adam stood, shivering a little in the air-conditioned room. He held his hands together in front of him. Kris was staring at him. Adam felt self-conscious. He had put on some weight but he was still too thin.
“I know. I’m too thin.”
“You’re beautiful. Absolutely perfect,” Kris replied.
Adam smiled, taking a greater pleasure in Kris’s compliment than he should. Still, he was nervous when Kris motioned him towards the bed and pulled him down onto it. He couldn’t control how jangled his nerves were when Kris straddled his hips, pressing his naked body to Adam’s. When Kris began to kiss him, running his hands all over his body, Adam felt himself trembling beneath the Kris’s hands, Kris’s lips. Even so, he felt himself grow hard as steel when Kris slid his warm hand between his thighs. He felt his aching flesh drip with moisture when Kris reached into the drawer and threw down a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms on the bed with a sly grin on his face. He felt his mind threatening to shatter when Kris moved down and slid his mouth over him, suckling hard and sending streaks of fire racing up Adam’s spine.
When Kris pulled his legs apart and began to push into him slowly, Adam bit his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. It was too much. Not enough. Never enough. He couldn’t get close enough. He wanted to reach into the very core of Kris, to tie his soul to his, to bind him forever, to share one breath, one heartbeat. He arched off the bed, wincing when the motion drove Kris deep into his body. He pressed away instinctively, trying to pull back from the unexpected pain.
“Easy, Adam,” Kris whispered. “Look at me. Keep your eyes on me. I’m not going to hurt you. I want to make it good for you. Just keep looking at me. See? It’s just Kris. And I love you so much.”
Adam opened his eyes then. He felt an indescribably sublime feeling wash over him as he stared up into Kris’s eyes. He loves me. He came back for me. The thought eased the tension in his body. Adam felt himself relax as Kris began to move again. He gave himself over to the overwhelming pleasure and the delicious edge of pain that augmented it. He held on to Kris as he thrust harder into Adam’s body. The bed creaked wildly as they made love. Dimly, Adam wondered what would break first, their climax or the bed. Then he didn’t wander much of anything for a long while because just then, his orgasm broke and he arched wildly off the bed, clenching around Kris’s invading flesh and falling headfirst into a glitter-strewn netherworld.
Later, Kris held Adam in his arms in the bed. Adam yawned. Sleep was already pulling him under. He didn’t want to give in. He wanted to savor this moment forever.
“Sleep,” Kris whispered.
“Don’t want to fall asleep. Want to hold on to this.”
“We’ll always have this. Sleep.” Kris stroked Adam’s hair. “Meh tumse pyaar karti hun.”
“What? What is that?”
“Hindi. Something I learned while I was in India.”
“What does it mean?”
“It means ‘I love you.’ Dil se.”
“What does that part mean?”
“With all my heart.”
Adam smiled, his eyes barely open now as sleep dragged him under.
“I love you too. Dil se.”
[To be continued]
Author: Radiogaga33
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Setting: AU
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Kris, Adam, etc are their own people. They belong to themselves, not to me. No claims to any copyrights, trademarks, or any other intellectual property. This is purely a work of fiction from my very idle mind. It never happened.
Notes: Okay, so here's thirteen. I'm gonna preemptively apologize for being like Kris in my story and breaking my promise for a double post. I have a load of work stuff to do. Boo RL. Why can't it be all rainbows and sunshine and free time all the time?
Comments welcome as always.
ETA: Final posts will be late Wed/early Thurs. I don't want you to keep F5-ing when there's nothing there. Sowwy. :-(
Chapters 1-5 can be accessed here: http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/606618.html
( Chapter 6: With My Arms Outstretched )
( Chapter 7: A Different Truth )
( Chapter 8: In The Name of Love )
( Chapter 9: How To Save A Life )
( Chapter 10: Things We Lost In the Fire )
( Chapter 11: Requiem )
( Chapter 12: The Human Condition )
The Memory Keeper
Chapter 13: Dil Se
Adam Lambert blinked repeatedly in the piercing sunshine filling his bedroom. He felt like a high school marching band had gone berserk in his head. For a few minutes after he woke up, he laid absolutely still, momentarily paralyzed by the deafening ringing in his skull and the throbbing ache in his body. So this is what a hangover feels like. Adam didn’t know how people suffered through this and were still willing to do it all over again another day. The thought of the liquor from the night before set off tiny alarm bells in his head. He felt like he ought to remember something. A hazy memory danced along the edge of his temporarily shattered mind. He could almost swear that-no. Adam immediately buried the errant thought. After two years, he knew better than to indulge fantasies of Kris coming back.
He blinked again in the bright sunshine. Adam sat up in the bed slowly as a thought struck him. He didn’t remember coming into the bedroom last night and yet, here he was. He shuddered as the memories of the last things he had done the night before hit him all at once. Saying goodbye to Matt at the Sunset Room. Pulling out the forgotten bottle of scotch from the kitchen cabinet. Leaving a single bullet in the chamber of his father’s gun and contemplating the end. He had wanted to die. He had looked out at the rest of his life, at twenty, thirty, maybe forty more years like the last two he had suffered through and he hadn’t been able to take it. Adam looked around him, noticing for the first time that his clothes from the night before were neatly folded on the armchair by the window and that he was completely naked. He didn’t remember doing that. He blinked tightly again. There was something. There was something he had to remember.
Adam cocked his head to the side when he heard a noise coming from outside the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and Adam could almost swear that he heard someone rustling around in the main room. He hadn’t come home with anyone. He was sure of that. He’d given up on using random strangers to fill the empty space Kris had left behind over a year ago. It had always failed. But someone was in his apartment. Matt? Of course, it was Matt. He’d probably gotten worried and come after Adam. The hazy memory began to clear somewhat. Adam saw Matt standing in his apartment reaching for the gun in his hand. Matt had saved his life. Adam couldn’t tell if he was happy or sad. All he knew for certain was that he was never drinking again. He cradled his aching head in his palms. He didn’t move when he heard the person enter his room.
“Matt, if the people who come in your bar all feel like this the morning after, I’m surprised none of them has sued you for infliction of emotional distress or something.” Adam chuckled softly at his own joke.
There was no answer.
“Matt?” Adam looked up and immediately dropped his jaw in surprise.
Instead of Matt, Kris was standing there holding a breakfast tray in his hands. Adam shook himself and closed his mouth. It wasn’t really Kris. He knew better than that.
“Go away,” he said warily. “I don’t need this today. I don’t have the strength.”
“Adam, it’s me.”
Adam was confused. The hallucination never talked. He stared hard at the figure in the doorway. Come to think of it, the hallucination had never quite looked like that either. This vision of Kris was broader, more muscular. This Kris was deeply tanned and his brown hair looked about two shades lighter, as if he’d spent months in the sun. Adam’s confusion deepened. Maybe Matt hadn’t come. Maybe he had pulled the trigger and he was already dead. Maybe this was his own special version of hell where he would be tempted eternally with a vision of Kris that he could never touch. Surely, God didn’t hate Adam that much.
The hallucination came closer and set the breakfast tray on his beside table. Then it leaned over Adam and held out its hands.
“Here, touch me. See?”
Adam reached out and grasped its arms. He was shocked when the warmth of the skin registered along his. He looked up in surprise. It was Kris.
“How…when?”
“I got here last night. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”
Last night. Adam let go and dropped his hands to his side. The memory was finally crystal clear. Kris had been there with Adam. Kris had seen him. He hung his head in shame.
Kris sat down beside him on the bed. Adam pulled the sheets up, suddenly hyper-aware of his nakedness. Kris picked up a mug from the tray and held it out to Adam.
“Here, drink this.”
Adam smelled the sickly sweet liquid in the cup and wrinkled his nose. Cola syrup.
“I don’t want it.”
“Sometimes the cure’s worse than the poison,” Kris replied.
“I can see that.”
“Yeah? Well keep that in mind next time you decide to go on a bender. Drink.” Kris thrust the mug into Adam’s hand. “Bottoms up.”
Adam shut his eyes tightly and swallowed the over-sweet liquid. Kris took the mug from him and set it on the tray. Adam opened his eyes.
“Now what?”
Kris gave him a half-smile. “Now you eat.”
Adam watched as Kris picked up the tray and laid it in his lap. He looked down. The plate on the tray was piled with three grilled cheese sandwiches and slices of apple. An old memory came to mind.
“You didn’t burn any of my pots making this, did you?” Adam asked.
Kris gave him a sheepish look. “Not this time. I’ve gotten a touch handier with cooking.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Adam filed away that tidbit of information and picked up a sandwich. As he chewed quietly he stared at the deep tan of Kris’s skin. When he had eaten everything, Kris took the tray and set it on the floor. Then he took his place beside Adam once again.
“Now what?” Adam asked.
Kris took a deep breath. “Now we talk.”
Suddenly, Adam needed a deep breath of his own.
“You were here last night. With Matt.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry that you saw…what you saw.” Adam thought of the gleaming metal of his father’s gun.
“Don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize for that. Or for anything, for that matter.” Kris’s voice was resolute.
“That’s not true. I owe you about a dozen apologies.”
“Because of the bet.”
“Yes. It’s why you left, isn’t it? You hated me for taking the bet.” Adam’s voice broke a little. “It’s been two years and I still don’t know what to say to make you believe me.”
Kris’s voice sounded strained. “There’s nothing to say.”
Adam hung his head again. Of course. For a moment, he had begun to let himself hope, to let himself believe that Kris had really come back for him. But it was just self-delusion. Kris had probably run into Matt somehow and had simply gotten dragged along into the debacle that was last night. He was probably counting the minutes until his nursing gig was over so Matt could take over and he could disappear once again to wherever he had been for the last two years. Adam sighed. He might as well have been the hallucination.
Kris’s next words shocked all the thoughts from his mind.
“Adam, look at me, please.” He looked up. “I know that you called off the bet with Patrick. I know that you weren’t lying to me. I know that you loved me. I’ve known it for almost two years.”
Adam felt like he was dying and being reborn all at once. He could barely hear his own voice when he spoke. “But….I don’t understand. If you knew, why did you stay away? Why did you leave me alone all this time if you knew that I loved you?”
Kris exhaled sharply and ran his fingers through his hair. Adam wondered why he was so agitated. Kris hopped off the bed and began to pace the room. The strain of following his movements made Adam’s throbbing head ache even harder.
“Kris, stop pacing.”
Kris continued to move back and forth, wringing his hands.
“Kris!” Kris jerked to a stop. “Stop pacing. Come back and sit down.”
Kris obeyed. Adam reached out tentatively and placed his hand on Kris’s thigh.
“Tell me.”
“I said you don’t need to apologize to me and I mean it. And it has nothing to do with last night. I am so sorry, Adam. I am so incredibly sorry for what I did. That night after the music school, I promised you-” Kris’s voice broke. His eyes gleamed with unshed tears. “I promised you that I would never let anyone hurt you again. I promised to protect you. And the first chance I got to live up to that promise, I broke it. I hurt you myself.” The tears fell. “I am so sorry. Please believe me. I didn’t mean it. Please forgive me.”
Adam felt like his heart would break in two. The sight of Kris’s tears did that to him. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he whispered. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does! What kind of person does what I did? What kind of person uses someone’s past against them? You trusted me and I broke your trust. I broke my promise. Of course it matters, Adam.”
Adam watched him cry. For a moment, he felt the two halves of himself pulling at each other. As Kris continued to cry, the part of Adam that hated to see him in pain wanted to soothe him, to tell him that what happened didn’t matter. But the other part, the part that had suffered for two years and finally broke down last night with a gun pressed to his head, refused to propagate the lie. It did matter.
But Kris was here now. They had a chance now.
“Kris, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I forgive you. It’s done.” Adam marveled at the incredible irony of the fact that after everything, he was the one soothing Kris, the one doing the forgiving.
“Is this why you’ve been gone all this time?”
Kris nodded slowly. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think I could fix the damage I’d done.”
“So you ran away.”
“Yes.”
Adam felt the band that had been constricting his heart and lungs for two years begin to loosen. For two years, he had thought that Kris had run away because he couldn’t stand to be near Adam. For two years, he had thought that Kris hated him that much.
“Where have you been?”
“Asia.”
Adam’s eyes widened in surprise. Even in his most feverish imaginings, he had never thought Kris had run quite so far.
“What made you come back all of a sudden?”
Kris gave him a sad little smile. “Two days ago, I was in Agra, in India.”
“I’ve always wanted to go there.”
“Yeah? You should. We’ll go there together.”
Adam hitched an eyebrow. Kris was quiet for a moment after realizing what he’d just said. Kris was assuming they would be together. Adam watched him turn away.
“What happened in Agra?”
“I went to visit the Taj Mahal. Did you know that the king who built it did it for the woman he loved most in the world? She died in childbirth and he nearly went mad with grief. I wish you could have seen it with me. It’s almost inconceivable, this towering structure, the ultimate monument to love. But after the awe had passed, all that I was left with was the same old empty feeling. I started thinking, this king couldn’t have loved his wife any more than I love you. He couldn’t have wanted her any more than I want you. He couldn’t have needed her more. So, what was I doing wandering around Asia when I ought to be at home with you? I knew I had to come back. I knew I had to stop letting the fear keep me away. I was prepared to beg, to grovel, to stay on my knees in the rain for a week if you said that’s the way it had to be. I don’t know who I am without you.”
It should be impossible to feel this much happiness after two years of pain. Adam reached out and wrapped his arms around Kris. He began to shake again as a fresh wave of tears hit him.
“Don’t cry,” Adam murmured against his ear. “You came back. That’s all that matters. We can start all over again.”
Kris pushed against his chest. “You could have died because of me.”
Adam drew back. The light in his blue eyes dimmed. He didn’t want to think about last night.
“It wasn’t just about you.”
“Your father.”
Adam nodded. “I thought there was nothing left to live for. I thought I’d lost everything. I didn’t know. How could I have known you were coming back?” It was Adam’s turn to look away. He felt Kris reach out and cup his jaw a moment before he slowly turned Adam back towards him.
“I don’t know what I would have done if I’d lost you. Promise me, Adam. Promise me you’ll never go there again, wherever it is you went last night. Stay with me, please. I’m only alive when you’re here with me.”
Adam stared in surprise. He’d said those very words two years ago, on the night they’d made love. Had it really been so long?
“I promise,” he said solemnly.
“And promise me something else.”
“Anything.”
“Promise me that you’ll stay with me always. Promise me that we’ll never lie to each other again. That’s we’ll never keep secrets.”
“I promise.” Adam paused for a moment. “I love you.” He held his breath, waiting. Last night, he had almost ended everything, thinking that his love wasn’t good enough.
“I love you too. I’ve always loved you, Adam. I think I’ve been in love with you since you rescued me when I was fourteen and then strolled off into the sunset like some hero in a Harlequin romance novel.”
Adam laughed then. It was incredible to feel his body shaking with something other than despair. He hadn’t laughed since the morning when he’d slipped the seven plastic buttons from Kris’s shirt into the memory keeper. He let the waves of joy wash over him, basking in the sweet glow of sunshine and hope and Kris’s love. The trembling mess he had been only last night seemed like a shadowy creature from some myth. Adam was a million miles away from the blackness of last night.
But his head was still throbbing. He groaned and settled back against the pillows. He suddenly felt sleepy.
“Are you okay?” Kris asked.
“I’m fine.” Adam yawned.
“You should rest. Sleep off the rest of the hangover.”
“I don’t wanna fall asleep.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Say it again.”
“I promise.”
“No. Say you love me.”
Kris laughed. “I love you.”
Adam was sure he would never grow tired of hearing those words.
“I love you too.” A minute later, he was fast asleep.
* * *
They spent the next week holed up in Adam’s fancy apartment, rediscovering each other, relearning each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies. Matt called three times a day, speaking to each one alone for long minutes at a time. Adam begged Kris to tell him all about Asia and Kris indulged him. He loved the way Adam sat still, clearly spellbound as Kris told him all about the madness of Bangkok, the majesty of Angkor Wat, the dizzying rush of Mumbai, and the poetic beauty of the Ganges River at dawn. For his part, Kris laughed until his sides hurt while Adam told crazy tales of the past two years as a famous rock star. He hitched his eyebrows dramatically when Adam told him about over-eager fanboys and groupies. When he did, Adam would pounce on him, tickling him until he cried for mercy and Adam would stop and say “you know I only have eyes for you.”
But there was a dark undercurrent to their rediscovered joy. The gun was still in its box in the cabinet beneath the sink. Neither one had moved it or mentioned it. Several times at night, Kris would wake up and look to reassure himself that Adam was still there. Then he would let out a loud breath and stay awake for several minutes, replaying the image of Adam holding that gun to his head. He didn’t know it but after he fell back asleep, Adam would wake up and look to reassure himself that Kris was still there. Two years of pain, of doubt, of sorry, or guilt, of regret didn’t just disappear, it seemed. Even after forgiveness, it lingered on.
At the beginning of the second week, Matt joined them for dinner. Adam made them chicken provencal and roasted potatoes. After they’d eaten and both Matt and Kris had showered him with praise, the bartender had cleared his throat dramatically.
“What?” Adam had asked.
“I’m glad you’re doing better.”
“Thank you,” Adam replied. During their conversations on the phone over the past week, he had apologized and thanked Matt for saving his life over and over again.
“So, have you decided what to do about the tour? Are you going to call it off?”
Adam and Kris looked at each other. “There’s only a month left. I’ve decided to go back. Kris is going to come with me.” They had talked about it two days ago.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?”
“It’s only a month.”
“And what are you going to do about what happened a week ago?”
“Matt, I don’t think this is-”
Matt interrupted Kris. “Please, Kris. Clearly you guys have said what needed to be said between you two. And I’m happy for you. No one could be happier. But it’s time to stop dancing around the heart of the matter.” He gave Adam a hard look. “What happened was inevitable. You know it was. Maybe what happened between you two brought you to the edge faster but you would have come to it on your own. It’s been building long before Kris ever showed up.”
Adam couldn’t deny the truth in Matt’s words. He had been miserable long before Kris had entered his life. Last week hadn’t been about Kris alone.
“I know. I need help.”
Matt smiled. “Good. I’m glad you recognize that.” He leaned back in his seat. “Go. Finish your tour. But when you get back, you have to get help.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
They spent the rest of the evening engaged in stilted conversation. Eventually, Matt gave Adam a hug and Kris a handshake and left, promising to call in the morning. Adam walked him to the door and saw him out. When he returned, Kris was waiting for him. Without saying a word, Adam headed into the kitchen and pulled the small brown box from the cabinet. Kris followed him in. Methodically, Adam took apart the weapon and put each piece in a separate bag. He put the single round that had been in the chamber on the kitchen counter. The bullet gleamed in the light.
“We shouldn’t throw all the parts out at the same time. Someone could easily put it back together,” Kris said.
“I know. Each day, I’ll throw out a piece.”
Kris gestured at the bullet. “And what about that?”
“This one stays.” Adam picked up the bullet and walked past Kris. “Come,” he said over his shoulder. Adam walked into the living room and picked up the funeral program from the bookshelf Matt had slipped it onto. Then he walked into the bedroom and pulled the memory keeper from his closet. Kris gave him a questioning look when he set the brown leather box on the bed.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to keep these.”
“Why would you want to keep something that represents the lowest point of your life?”
“You don’t understand. They represent the highest point too. When I see them, yes, I’ll remember what happened a week ago. And that’s good because it’ll be a reminder that I can never allow myself to go there again. But I’ll also see the day when you came back to me.”
“I see.”
“Sometimes there’s a method to my madness.”
Kris smiled. He moved closer to Adam and opened the memory keeper, watching as Adam placed the funeral program and the bullet into the silk-lined interior. When he was done, Kris shut the box and slipped it under the bed. Then he sat down and pulled Adam down beside him.
Adam shivered slightly as he felt Kris’s turn and rake his brown eyes over his body. They hadn’t tried to make love at all in the last week. They hadn’t even kissed. Adam wasn’t sure why. He knew Kris wanted to. He’d caught enough passionate looks aimed in his direction to know that Kris wanted to touch him. Eventually, Adam realized that Kris must be afraid that Adam was still too fragile for that. Adam couldn’t say for certain that he wasn’t. The last time they’d made love, his whole world had gone to hell hours later. Proverbs about history repeating itself didn’t just spring up from nothing.
Adam leaned over and gave Kris a quick peck on the cheek. “Come on, let’s go to sleep.”
Kris hesitated. Adam waited to see if he would push it. He didn’t. Half an hour later, they were in bed, racing rapidly towards whatever dreams would come.
A week later, Adam rejoined the tour in Dayton with Kris at his side. For the next month, the band and Allison played to sold-out crowds up and down the eastern coast. When there were days to spare, Matt and Kris flew out to Arkansas to visit his family. As usual, Mrs. Allen fawned over Adam, catering to his every whim. His father wasn’t much better, beaming mightily at every little joke Adam made. It wasn’t just because of his father’s death. They had never forgotten the man who’d stayed by their son’s side for days on end two years ago. They knew he loved Kris. And for that, they loved Adam.
Finally, it was the end of the tour. The Citizen Vein had just given their greatest performance yet for 10,000 in Atlanta, Georgia. The excitement of the moment was catching. Kris couldn’t stop grinning when they finally tumbled into their hotel room at 2am that night. When Adam locked the door and turned around, he saw Kris staring intently at him. Something was up.
“I can’t wait anymore. You. Bedroom. Now.”
The grin on Adam’s face ran from ear to ear. He hurried into the bedroom of the hotel suite. It had been six weeks since his lover had come back. Kris didn’t need to tell him twice.
Inside, they undressed themselves at the same time, each one watching the other as he moved. When he was done, Adam stood, shivering a little in the air-conditioned room. He held his hands together in front of him. Kris was staring at him. Adam felt self-conscious. He had put on some weight but he was still too thin.
“I know. I’m too thin.”
“You’re beautiful. Absolutely perfect,” Kris replied.
Adam smiled, taking a greater pleasure in Kris’s compliment than he should. Still, he was nervous when Kris motioned him towards the bed and pulled him down onto it. He couldn’t control how jangled his nerves were when Kris straddled his hips, pressing his naked body to Adam’s. When Kris began to kiss him, running his hands all over his body, Adam felt himself trembling beneath the Kris’s hands, Kris’s lips. Even so, he felt himself grow hard as steel when Kris slid his warm hand between his thighs. He felt his aching flesh drip with moisture when Kris reached into the drawer and threw down a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms on the bed with a sly grin on his face. He felt his mind threatening to shatter when Kris moved down and slid his mouth over him, suckling hard and sending streaks of fire racing up Adam’s spine.
When Kris pulled his legs apart and began to push into him slowly, Adam bit his lips and squeezed his eyes shut. It was too much. Not enough. Never enough. He couldn’t get close enough. He wanted to reach into the very core of Kris, to tie his soul to his, to bind him forever, to share one breath, one heartbeat. He arched off the bed, wincing when the motion drove Kris deep into his body. He pressed away instinctively, trying to pull back from the unexpected pain.
“Easy, Adam,” Kris whispered. “Look at me. Keep your eyes on me. I’m not going to hurt you. I want to make it good for you. Just keep looking at me. See? It’s just Kris. And I love you so much.”
Adam opened his eyes then. He felt an indescribably sublime feeling wash over him as he stared up into Kris’s eyes. He loves me. He came back for me. The thought eased the tension in his body. Adam felt himself relax as Kris began to move again. He gave himself over to the overwhelming pleasure and the delicious edge of pain that augmented it. He held on to Kris as he thrust harder into Adam’s body. The bed creaked wildly as they made love. Dimly, Adam wondered what would break first, their climax or the bed. Then he didn’t wander much of anything for a long while because just then, his orgasm broke and he arched wildly off the bed, clenching around Kris’s invading flesh and falling headfirst into a glitter-strewn netherworld.
Later, Kris held Adam in his arms in the bed. Adam yawned. Sleep was already pulling him under. He didn’t want to give in. He wanted to savor this moment forever.
“Sleep,” Kris whispered.
“Don’t want to fall asleep. Want to hold on to this.”
“We’ll always have this. Sleep.” Kris stroked Adam’s hair. “Meh tumse pyaar karti hun.”
“What? What is that?”
“Hindi. Something I learned while I was in India.”
“What does it mean?”
“It means ‘I love you.’ Dil se.”
“What does that part mean?”
“With all my heart.”
Adam smiled, his eyes barely open now as sleep dragged him under.
“I love you too. Dil se.”
[To be continued]