fic: Acrasia Redux

[abriata]

Title: Acrasia
Author:

idwyt_nome 
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: NC17
Summary: Companion fic to  Marupa.
Author's Notes: See part one. (And god damn it, it almost fit. I think. But still. It was probably the stupid notes that pushed it over. Ugh.)

Kris is sleepy, and he doesn't want to get up early again, so when Adam can't turn his noise off before Kris is completely awake, he's just a little bit pissed. He groans, and bitches and takes a wholly immature and untrue dig at Adam's appearance in retaliation, and he falls back to sleep, smiling, after Adam tells him,"Shut the fuck up. You know how girls ask if they look good? I don't have to. Now roll over. I'll get you up. In fact, I'll get you up late, return the favor, hmm?"

---

Lil gives him a shoelace when he discovers that his old one broke, and she incites Matt and Danny by forcing them out of their rooms, because. And Kris makes Adam help him with his shoelace, because he's there and he might as well make himself useful.

---

Kris doesn't want morning rehearsal to end. Because that means lunch, which, yeah, okay. He's not going to object, not with the food they're given. But after lunch is another official photo shoot for the week. Spontaneous pictures he can handle. But this? He'd laugh at himself if he wasn't busy keeping from tearing his hair out and ruining the styling. He doesn't know why they don't put him last. They got Anoop and both girls out of the way, but then they go to him, which Kris could tell them makes no sense, except the photographer hates him enough that he gets yelled at every time he so much as opens his mouth. So, he's going right in the middle, and Matt and Danny, fairly easy, are waiting impatiently and Adam, who's fucking great, is scheduled to go last.

He sees one of the younger photographers grab Matt and Danny, and he's mostly relieved, because that means they'll be done sooner, burt mostly it means that they won't be staring at him like Adam still is. And yeah, Adam's his friend, but Kris is about to go fucking nuts from the eyes all over him and he doesn't care that Adam's on his side, because he just wants everyone to stop. looking. at him.

"Allen!" He grits his teeth, grimaces at the photographer.

"Allen! When we take pictures you don't snarl. Look fucking normal, for once, you're frightening us here!"

From the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees Adam smile, laugh, and Danny walks over, apparently already done. He's had enough.

"Allen!"

He walks towards Adam and Danny, not because he expects any sort of respite but because they're in front of the door, and he ducks his head determinedly, knows he looks miserable.

And he could scream when Adam grabs his arm. Almost does, but they're in front of twenty people who hate him, and he prefers his fits of temper to be more private. But Adam's stubborn, and he's tugged over to the person he's trying to get away from, and Kris thinks bitterly that Adam's probably the only one the asshole would let say anything. (He ignores the fact that Adam may be the only one who might actually have a clue about any of the technical stuff the photographer bitches about, but still.)

And Kris refuses to cringe away from the man, as much as he'd like to. Adam's hand slides across his back and he's holding him steady and Kris really wonders if Adam thinks he's so fragile that he'd run away.

Kris has no clue what they're on about, having Adam take pictures with him. Even if Kris goes for this -- and it's nice of them to consult him, it really is -- he doesn't think Adam would help him so much as screw with him. Maybe literally, since he's seen how Adam is in front of the cameras.

He yells at him, wonders how it is that he genuinely thinks this is a good idea; gives in.

"Allen! Lambert! Lean back, towards the screen. Do not touch each other, but lean to the middle together."

Kris knows he's staring, but the man might as well have just spoken a foreign language. Unsteadily, he tries to mimic Adam, envying him his easy smile.

"Allen!" He's trying. He would've reconsidered this American Idol thing if he'd been told one day every week would be hell.

And then Adam's touching him and he knows that's a lie.

But Kris has no words to describe how uncomfortable it feels to have Adam around him, breathe going through him, and telling him to fantasize about his wife. It's better again when Adam keeps hold of his hand, because Kris doesn't feel so alienated. The photographer yells for Adam to get off of him, then says he wants porn, and Kris thinks he froze about half a minute ago.

Adam squeezes his hand, and it's a mistake to look at him because Kris knows Adam can see it in his face when Kris remembers the noises Adam makes in the shower, and watching him talk and dance and laugh. And watching him come only a few days ago.

The guy is telling them he wants them to turn their heads (and Kris wonders why he's finally chose now to stop being a bastard). And Kris can do that, he can, he does, and feels himself smile when Adam looks relieved that he doesn't freak out and he doesn't know why Adam's so concerned about him anyway.

Then he turns to look at the camera, ask if they're done, but he blinks at a bright flash and knows they took a picture right then and for some reason the photographer actually looks pleased. The man's thanking them, and apparently they can go.

And Kris doesn't have time to process what's going on before Adam's hands are spanning his hips and he shouldn't touch him there that's not friends.

He doesn't want to pull away, lose Adam (and himself) so he doesn't and tells himself he'll feel guilty later for wanting nothing more than the desireneedwant that's under his skin and in his lungs and he can't breathe.

He's going to kiss Adam, if Adam doesn't stop. touching him.

And Adam isn't and there are dozens of people in the room and Kris pulls away and knows any appearance of nonchalance is gone when he gasps as if he's broken.

Kris can't make himself talk or smile or think, not yet, so he goes to the car and wants to sob with relief when Danny sits next to him, a solid barrier, and gives an empty monologue about some hot girl in the studio, even though they both know Kris knows Danny's not anywhere near looking at another woman yet.

Matt looks like he's having a fit all over Adam, and Kris can'twon't read Adam's expression, so when they finally get in the car Kris stares out the window and taps absent rhythms on his thighs.

---

He'll never admit that his fingers scrabbling at the door handle when they pull to a stop at the house are frantic. They really aren't, just desperate and scared and he's followed by Danny though he won't stop until he's around the back of the house and Danny may be breathing a bit heavily and Allison skitters over to them a few moments later.

"Wow. I haven't run like that since I stopped caring about PE."

Kris gives her a faint smile. She flops next to him, pokes at his arm until he looks at her. "You and Adam are adorable together." And Kris just doesn't have the energy right now to respond or even react. He looks back at the house and sees Danny making motions at Allison and rolling his eyes.

She, bless her, totally misses the attempt at subtlety and protests, loudly, "What? When I told Adam that he acted like it was the most profound thing he'd ever heard."

Kris startles, turns to look at her, wonders if that was why Adam had acted so strangely, discards the thought. Allison looks at him, and then begins to giggle. And she doesn't stop. "You didn't realize, did you? Oh my god, boys really don't get any better when they're older!"

Kris thinks one of the only exhibitors of her age is her sense of humor. Danny taps her on the head, squats in front of them. "Allison."

Rolling his eyes, Kris snaps at them both, "What are you talking about?"

Allison gives a final snicker and then leans against him, in apology, he thinks. "Adam likes you."

Danny yanked at her arm in irritation. "Allison. Do you really think you're helping anything?"

She glowers, pouts. "More than you! At least I'm saying something to the guy who looks like he's gonna off himself!"

Oh, that's enough. He's right here. His protest earns him a look of disbelief from them both. He wants to defend himself, can't, tries to explain. "I like him too."

Allison snorts, "duh", and Danny hits her hard enough to elicit a yelp. "Sorry! But, seriously, duh."

Kris looks at her, wondering and confused and can't believe he wishes he was a sixteen year old girl. "Duh?" His voice comes out fainter than he'd wanted.

"Um, yeah." Danny, finally, appears to remember that his entire purpose in life is not to edit what comes out of Allison's mouth. "Yeah. We all sort of got that, what with the attachment and smiling and, um, touching." He looks faintly uncomfortable with this conversation and Kris thinks that makes two of them.

Allison sighs. "Okay, California girl talking. So what?"

Kris sighs, sharply, thinks she's too young to have any input in this conversation, knows she can't be any more clueless than him. "I'm married, Allison, and I don't like guys." He speaks slowly, like to a child.

She kicks her feet, petulantly. "Obviously you do like guys, okay? And people get divorced all the time." And she winces before Kris' shock and offense form more than vague uneasy shapes. "I don't mean it like that. Just, isn't love, like, you don't like anyone else? And you obviously do like Adam, so, not to be rude, too late, whatever, maybe you don't love your wife so much?"

And Kris didn't need to be kicked in the stomach, have every secret doubt and fear about himself thrown in his face by a girl who was young enough to have not yet had sex. He feels ill, but Danny's talking and he listens to Danny because Danny was married and has to have some idea what he's going through, right?

"Kris, I know this has got to be hard. I know. I can't imagine finding someone better than my wife was, but if she was taken off that pedestal, I think I would have gone crazy, okay. But, we listen to you talk to her, I listen to you talk to her, and you've been married for five months. You should talk to her on the phone and be like, wow, this is her, please don't hang up. But you look like every time you do you're being antagonized."

Kris looks down at the ground. "I should miss her."

The unspoken and I don't hangs in the air, heavy and depressing. He tries to explain, because he doesn't think there's anything he could say that would be worse than that. "I do love her. She's bright and lovely and she makes me smile. I just. I love her to death when I'm with her. We just don't seem as good together anymore."

Allison strokes his hair and she means to be comforting but she doesn't have the experience for it to feel like Lil. "Look, I know I haven't fallen in love, like, want to marry love. But I did fall in love. So maybe, and I totally think I'm wrong, but maybe the whole thing about different types of love is actually right and you love them both and one's just better for you?"

Kris laughs, can't help it, because she's precious and amazing and he can't believe he's gone his whole life thinking girls in their teenage years are utterly useless. He stands, brushes himself off, pulls Allison up and hugs her, because that's the most comforting thing about her, really. She's young enough that the overtones and the undertones and the self-concern haven't taken away that amazing ability to just meltagainst another human body and mean nothing more in it than wanting to make things better. He clears his throat, coughs, clears his throat again, refuses to admit that maybe he wants to cry. "I've got to go talk to him, huh?"

And Allison cheers, and Danny tells her to grow up, does she think this is a soap opera, and she tells him it kind of is, and Kris tells them both that it definitely is and he's going to start charging price of admission.

But Adam's in the pool with Matt, looking quite put-up and prissy, with the way he's avoiding Matt's hands and splashing and kind of floating near the shallow end and Kris wants to swim too, but he's not quite brave enough to confront Adam, thinks he'll let Adam come to him because it's his turn anyway. (Except that he doesn't think it is, he's just too scared.)

So Allison makes him watch some awful teenage girl movie with Ashton Kutcher in it and now he really does want to off himself, and where's her amazing insight into his psyche now?

But she brings him up food and he's grateful that he's avoided everyone, even though he only wants to avoid Adam. And Matt, but Matt's just that general, oh god, him again, that Kris can deal with.

So he eats what she brought him, which was really kind of a lot, but he eats it anyway and then he starts on hers, too, because the girl cannot measure portions to save her life, and he thinks he may see the logic behind that "eating your feelings" theory.

But Matt slams open the door and tells him, "Okay, that's enough girlfriend. You're gonna get fat." And Danny apologizes loudly to all and sundry that his roommate's an ass.

Kris glares at him defiantly and stands. "I think everyone in this entire fucking house needs to learn to mind their own business," and okay, he doesn't quite know where that's come from and he would apologize, but Allison and Matt go into fits over other variations of his type of outburst, along the lines of mind your own beeswax and fuck off, assholes and are obviously terribly amusing.

And then Matt's grabbing his arm and Kris hates being short because he's being hauled upstairs and Danny, the traitor, isn't helping him. He's quiet until they've hauled him into their bedroom, because who knows where Adam is. "This had better not be more fucking counseling!"

Matt looks at him in disgust. "Dude, do I look like a girl."

Kris glares, but he's learned that his expressions have no effect on people but amusement and he thinks he should give up. Matt, oh so helpful, points out that the door is behind him, and Kris deflates, sits on his bed. Danny nods, seemingly pleased. "Yeah, we've brought you here for a more practical purpose. Sex ed!"

He thinks he'd have passed out if Matt hadn't turned white, too, and told Danny in a hiss that he really wasn't funny. And Kris can't help but laugh when Matt, for all appearances actually concerned, turns to him and says, "Sorry. There are just some things I am not comfortable imagining."

---

Apparently their entire purpose behind kidnapping him is to give Adam some space, and that is not fair, because where does Adam get off on freaking out about all of this, and then Kris remembers the sulking and glowering and despondency and wants to cuddle Adam close and apologize for doing that to him, though he still thinks that he's in way worse.

And then Kris is discovering that there is no god, because Matt's telling him in sickly sweet tones that he's gonna have to face the music (good thing he likes his own puns) and Adam, while he's at it. Then abandons him in his room, telling him that Adam's on his way up and won't he look stupid if he's caught sneaking away down the hall?

So Kris does the intelligent thing and hides in the bathroom. Which is great, as far as avoidance plans go, apparently, because Adam comes in and then Kris sits there for almost half an hour and Adam seems to have no intention of coming to talk to him. So Kris is stuck in the bathroom all night.

He thinks it's funny, being so childish and hiding under the covers from the monsters in the dark, but this is not a joke, not a game, and it's his life and his own goddamn self-perceptions on the line and why isn't Adam coming to him?

He isn't prepared for the door to open. He realizes he locked it, almost laughs at himself again, hysteric a little, but Adam's in the doorway and he's too much, too close and Kris remembers he was so much closer not too very long ago and that it wasn't so bad and in one of the worst decisions he's ever made he opens his mouth and tells Adam that he doesn't like guys. And then he looks at Adam, wonders if he'll say how stupid that proclamation was, because everyone else in existence knows, and Kris sees his eyes and Adam's just. looking at him.

And it's not like he's looking, observing, or looking, seeing, or looking, thinking. He's looking like he's watching waiting and almost impatient and completely, wholly wrapped up in Kris, what Kris is doing and saying and thinking and Kris doesn't think he's ever been under this level of scrutiny before, and he realizes that Allison was utterly, unbelievably wrong, but it's forgivable because she's only sixteen. He doesn't like guys. He never could, because Adam is a guy but it's not why Kris -- and Kris doesn't like him, but love is the word he can't think because he's become incapable over the past couple of months of thinking anything but what people tell him to, and he knows he can blame Katy for that, doesn't. The but  comes out of his mouth and Kris knows Adam gets it, understands what he's saying more than Kris does, because Kris doesn't understand it at all and he's moved closer, somehow, but Adam hasn't taken a step and Kris realizes he's being pulled in.

When Adam yanks him in Kris has prepared himself to deal with getting his first kiss in a bathroom, under duress, and feeling vaguely like he's going to throw up from too many discoveries. But Adam's holding him, fucking cuddling him and Kris thinks that's probably the most offensive thing he could have done, and that's when he remembers that this is Adam, after all, only Adam, after all, and Lil's voice is telling him just don't be afraid and Kris knows, certainty for the first time in days, that he can do that.

And Kris forces himself not to laugh, because there'd be no way to explain that he loves Adam and that's why he's laughing, so he pulls back and he never thought that he'd be kissing Adam first.

He doesn't do it right, awkward and shy and he's used to leaning down, not up, and Adam's ridiculously tall and then fitting their mouths together and moving him until Kris can settle against him like he's supposed to and then Adam is laughing and Kris regrets trying to be the polite one in this relationship and Adam won't tell him anything, like usual, but he's scratching along Kris' head and oh, but that's why girls like having their hair played with. Adam has nails, and isn't gentle, actually uses them, not hurting but startling and then Adam groans and Kris realizes that they got their first kiss in the bathroom and the irritating understated location is just perfect for them, because Adam at least is so far out left-wing that a theatrical location probably would have sent Kris up the wall.

He tells Adam he has no clue what he's doing, and he's not talking about the sex, (though yeah, that too, more than a little), but that's okay because he doesn't think Adam's talking about the sex either. (Maybe a little less than a little, though. Um.)

Because Adam's pushing him onto his bed and he resists the urge to be immature and soothe his nerves by complaining about why they can't do it on his bed because that would mean saying, out loud, that they'll be doing something, are doing something, and that also would be a little bit stupid because the beds are exactly the same and he's trying to reassure himself that he's hit his stupid threshold for the day.

Kris can't bring himself to let Adam pull off his shirt the way he undresses Katy, he wants to undress his own damn self, thank you very much, but Adam cheats and distracts him and undresses him anyway. So Kris kisses him hard, thinks it's a rather losing strategy if he wants to incite apology, and Adam's being an ass and won't just kiss him. And Adam's still got his shirt on, plus another and a jacket, and Adam does get to take his own clothes off and Kris is going to point that out that later. And he's embarrassed by all of this, because he's never done this before even though he's seen Adam naked and in his underwear and Adam's returned the favor, but it was never deliberate exposure (he'll ever admit) and this is worth a little bit of embarrassment, but at least he's not all fumbling and hurting his first girlfriend while trying to unhook her bra.

He bites at Adam's neck, because Adam's skin is dark and there are no more red marks showing his fun by the pool and Kris is glad because he left his wedding ring on the counter in the bathroom. And Adam laughs and tells him he's not that easy to mark, and Kris knows he doesn't mean it like that but it actually hurt and he's biting, hard, and hears Adam make a pained noise and almost feels skin break and knows that it will take days to fade, and he'll make another one before then.

Adam's more determined than girls, which yeah, Kris knew, but hickeys only feel good in that squirmy, move your mouth to a different place sort of way, at least for him, and Adam's teeth and tongue make his collarbone so sensitive and shuttering, jumping nerves that Kris wants to pull his mouth away because he wants any sensation there but that slickroughwet sucking that Adam won't stop doing. Then Adam's moving over him and Kris realizes that somewhere he'd let himself lean back and given his head to Adam's hands and he's not sure how he feels about that much vulnerability. But he lays back, doesn't think to protest or squirm or do anything but force himself to relax, and it's okay because the rough friction against his body is really no different though the accompanying weight and force and Adam is.

But Adam's moving off and that's just. Not okay. And he's telling him to lift his hips up, just, lift his hips, like he's going to thrust himself into the air, and he can't hear his own breathing through the pounding of his heart fueling need and embarrassment. So he's found the end of Adam's patience, Kris thinks, and any doubt (none) that he'd had about Adam and experience goes out the window when Adam makes him arch his own body and strips him of his pants anyway. So he takes off his own underwear, because Adam really has been undressing him and this is just shameful, now, and then Adam's over him naked and Kris wonders for the first time what Adam expects, because, yeah, sex ed maybe wasn't such a bad idea.

When he's asked for permission Kris thinks that he just gives up, Adam can do whatever he wants because Kris just doesn't have the willpower to make him --

And oh, the friction's like he's a teenager again and discovering the joys of lotion, but better and freer and he doesn't think he could ever choose Katy over Adam, just because guys really are good at this. He assumes at least, but he doesn't think he'll need to find out because even if it's just Adam he's already got Adam (not yet, if he wants only maybe). He feels himself in his hand, feels Adam, and touches softly, exploring and like a girl touching her first boyfriend and he almost thinks he wants to be scared again because it's easier if Adam just does things for him, but he's in this too and Adam lets him learn. And okay, enough of this, Adam's a guy, right, and Kris twists hard and oh. maybe. and he wasn't expecting that, either Adam's noise or his own nerves sparking.

Adam presses him into the bed, holds him down, and Kris thinks he shouldn't shudder and gasp at the realization that Adam actually can and god, the things he missed with Katy. And Adam's touching them now, just Adam, and he knows enough about this that Kris can't do anything but moan and cry out and then Adam's at his throat again and he can't do that.

But he can, because he's scratching again, too, and Kris thinks that Adam really doesn't do anything halfway and he has no idea how to convey what Adam's doing to him so he bites at Adam's throat and thinks from his snarl that he gets it, maybe.

And Kris would be ashamed of himself, coming quick and wet and loud, but Adam kisses him through it and comes like that too and Kris thinks it's too late to be shy.

---

Adam cleans them up and moves them to Kris' bed and Kris listens to his heartbeat and revels, maybe a little, in the fact that he can drape himself mostly over Adam and listen to heart beating and lungs breathing and voice purring and not feel guilty about the poor person squished under him. But he wants to know why Adam, so free and easy and unworried, wouldn't tell him this, and he can't blame him when Adam points out the one thing Kris has been trying to wish undone.

But Adam's a bigger person than anyone he's every met, because he's says and means that he'll wait for him (though Kris doesn't think he's worth waiting for, not really) and Kris promises himself that he'll make himself earn that regard and appreciation and, he thinks, love.