Good Enough After All Chapter 4/?
American Idol 8 RPF: Good Enough After All Chapter 4/?
Rating: NC 17(overall)
Summary: Kris thinks he isn't good enough for anyone in his life- most of all, Adam.
Beta: Many thanks to the wonderful laurahellomoto
Warnings: Angst, plenty of angst. Mentions of major character suicidal thinking/attempts(don't worry nobody dies). Mentions of Adommy(but no in story scenes of anything above friendship there).
Author's notes: I am breaking a hard and steadfast rule by writing Kradam.This is my first RPF ever, for any fandom. I had said I'd never do it, but too many stories were floating around in my head for me to resist. Be gentle, but honest. Feedback rocks.
Disclaimer: I do not know these people, and this was just done for fun. No offense intended, and no profit. If you got here by googling youself or someone you know, for the love of every deity I don't believe in leave now.
http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/1680977.html Chapter 3
Chapter 4/?
Adam woke with a start. He sat straight up in bed, drenched in sweat. The only source of light in the darkened room was the clock on the bedside table, its luminous red numbers reading 12:42 AM. It felt later. Adam struggled to pull a reason for his waking so suddenly from his sleep fogged brain. Then he remembered: Kris. Adam had never seen Kris look the way he had looked tonight- lost, depressed, and completely miserable. He had looked like a man that was completely incapable of taking care of himself, or even of putting one foot in front of the other. Furthermore, the state of the hotel suite had confirmed that. A wave of guilty panic swept over Adam as he remembered the horrible things Kris had been saying about himself tonight. He never should have left him alone in that state.
Adam slipped quietly out of bed, careful not to disturb Tommy, who was still sleeping soundly, also fully clothed. True to his word, Adam had had no sexual contact with Tommy tonight, and truth be known, neither of them even wanted it. It was unspoken, but Adam was sure Tommy knew he had lost. He knew Adam’s heart belonged to Kris, and he would never be able to compete with that.
Adam felt around in the dark on the bedside table for the two key cards he had put there before going to bed. Luckily he had swiped Kris’s spare before leaving the penthouse that night. He found them, but was unsure of which belonged to which room, so he took them both and, without bothering to find shoes or a shirt in the dark, slipped silently out the door.
Adam padded quickly down the hall in his bare feet to the elevator, and impatiently jabbed at the “up” button until the doors opened. When he reached the penthouse, he fumbled with the cards, thanking the universe when the first one he tried was a match for Kris’s door.
Upon entering the suite, Adam noticed that all the lights were still on, and everything seemed to be as it had been when he had left earlier tonight, with the exception of the trail of clothes from the living room to the bedroom. Kris must be asleep. Adam’s eyes then darted to the mini bar and he noted the alarming number of Grey Goose mini bottles littering the area. Apparently Kris had attempted to drink himself into oblivion after Adam had left. And who could blame him? Anyone in Kris’s situation would want a little liquid relief.
Adam went to the bedroom, not bothering to call Kris’s name because there was no way he’d wake up in his drunken state. Kris didn’t drink much, and his low tolerance and small size would mean that that much hard liquor would more than likely knock him out for the night.
However, when Adam looked around the bedroom, he found it unkempt like the rest of the suite, but no sign of Kris himself. Adam saw the unmistakable shape of a prescription pill bottle on the floor by Kris’s messenger bag by the bed, and picked it up, drawing in a sharp breath as he realized what it was. Sleeping pills? It was worse than he thought. Kris never took stuff like that, and had often warned Adam about his dabbling with various substances.
More worried and determined to locate Kris than ever, Adam hurried out of the bedroom to the bathroom. He literally screamed at what he found. There was Kris Allen, the man he loved more than life itself, unconscious and motionless in a tub full of water. Worse still, the water was tinged red with what was unmistakably blood. Adam hurried over and lifted Kris’s upper body, shaking him violently and sobbing, begging for him to wake up.
“Adam?” Kris slurred. He was groggy and limp, and for the first time Adam noticed shallow slashes on Kris’s wrists. But at least he was awake.
“Kris, oh my god baby, what the fuck?” Adam lowered his voice, realizing that the last thing Kris needed right now was to be yelled at. “Baby, what’s going on? Talk to me,” Adam begged urgently.
Instead of speaking, Kris began sobbing, clinging to Adam like a lifeline. He seemed incapable of speaking, only able to sit in the cold, blood stained water and shiver and cry. He seemed broken beyond repair. Adam only knew that he had to help make Kris Allen whole again.
Instead of worrying about Kris’s mental state right now, Adam knew that the first thing he had to do was pull himself together. He also had to make sure that Kris was in no immediate physical danger as a result of what had clearly been a suicide attempt. Someone had to be the strong, calm one here, and it was obvious that Kris was in no shape to be that person. He gently pushed Kris away, still making sure he was supporting his head, and leaned forward to pull the stopper from the drain. Adam then laid him down, back against the bath pillows at the head of the tub, and grabbed a gigantic, fluffy white hotel towel from the rack by the toilet, and laid it on the nearby sink. He lifted Kris again, cursing the depth of the Jacuzzi tub. Finally, he managed to get Kris out of the tub and stand him on the bath mat. He grabbed the towel and vigorously rubbed Kris’s wrinkled, naked body dry, trying to warm him and stop the uncontrollable shivering. Once it seemed that Kris was a little warmer, Adam wrapped the towel tightly around Kris and lifted him into his arms and carried him into the bedroom.
Adam laid Kris down on top on the rumpled covers on the king sized bed as if he were made of glass. The first thing he needed to do was access the damage to Kris’s wrists. He carefully unwrapped the towel, automatically stopping to appreciate Kris’s gorgeous body- his smooth, chiseled chest and abs, his toned thighs, his beautiful smooth, cut cock that Adam had worshipped so many precious nights. IT pained him to think that he could have lost this beautiful man tonight.
But there would be plenty of time for that later. Right now, he had to make sure that he didn’t need to have Kris rushed to the hospital. Kris looked alert, as if he had slept off a good bit of the alcohol and the Ambien. It seemed he was in no danger of suffering any real damage from that. Chances were Adam was underestimating Kris’s recent alcohol consumption and his tolerance for narcotics. But, due to the slit wrists, Kris had more than likely lost blood. Adam lifted Kris’s left wrist carefully, and then his right, checking for damage to the delicate arteries underneath. There was none. He breathed a sigh of relief. The cuts would, of course, need to stay bandaged for some time, and that would most likely mean a lot of awkward explanations if Kris went out in public or around anyone at all, but Adam would make his excuses and keep Kris out of the public eye. He’d even lie to the label if he had to. The important thing was that Kris was alive, and the wounds did not appear to require medical attention, which meant that if they were careful enough, no one but the two of them, and more than likely Tommy, would ever need to know anything about this. Thank the universe for small favors.
Adam looked up at Kris, who had been silent during Adam’s makeshift examination except for the occasional sniffle, trying to figure out how far gone Kris was. Did he need psychiatric help? Was he too fragile to talk about what he had done tonight just yet? Adam’s worry must have shown on his face because Kris chose that moment to speak.
“I’m not crazy, Adam. There’s no need to look at me like that. You don’t have to be afraid of me, or be afraid to talk to me. I’m still the same guy you know and love. I’ve just been having a rough time lately, and I had a bit too much to drink, and that, on top of the Ambien impaired my judgment. Drinking is never good when you’re alone and depressed, so that was a misstep on my part. And for the record, I’ve never even used that prescription before. I had my doubts about using it at all, but I guess after you left, I thought I didn’t have anything to lose, or a reason to live. I thought I had lost you, because I guess I’ve known ever since you told me why you brought Tommy here with you tonight that I couldn’t go through with something like that. I can’t live without you, Adam.”
Adam stared at Kris. It killed him that his own actions had been the reason that Kris had attempted to take his own life. Granted, judging from the quality of the attempt, it was very possible that Kris had never meant to actually die, but then again, the way he had found him, it had certainly been a possibility. That was irrelevant now though. Adam had made a horrific error in judgment by trying to have Kris and Tommy. It had almost cost him Kris, and not just his relationship with him either. Since he had to choose, there was no question about who he would be with.
“Kris, I was the selfish one. I knew that your marriage was going to fall apart. I just got impatient, and lonely. None of what you said about yourself tonight is true. You’re wonderfully kind, sweet, and giving. You’re also exceedingly brave, because, let’s face it, you’re the one in this situation that is going to catch the most heat. Your family, your church, your fans- you stand to lose everything. Are you willing to risk that, just for me?” Adam waited with baited breath, wondering if he would get the answer he was looking for.
“Adam, you know I am willing to risk it all. And hey, we have the Kradam fan girls to carry us through till we gain new fans. My folks will come around, and if I feel like I have the need to go to church, I can find one that is gay friendly. What’s important is that we’re together.”
Adam grinned a little at the mention of the Kradam fan girls. They wouldn’t let Kris’s career end, even if they all had to go broke buying all his albums and going to all his concerts. But at this point, what happened with 19E was the least of his worries. He was still concerned that Kris had even been capable of what he had done tonight. Something had to be done to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. But tonight, he was not going to scold or argue with Kris, he was just going to take care of him.
Rising from the bed, Adam said, “We can worry about the PR aspect of all this later. I can buy you some time to rest and relax. I’ll clean the suite and go collect some towels and stuff from housekeeping in the morning. We’ll put out the “do not disturb” sign. I’ll stay here with you as long as you need, and I’ll go out and get you anything you want until your wrists look decent. That way, you don’t have to go out in public at all, and we avoid having to explain any of this to anyone. I can even keep it from Tommy if you like, though I kind of think maybe he deserves to know at least some of this, since I’ve jerked him around with all this pretty hard too, and I am about to dump him.”
Kris looked at Adam with unmistakable relief and gratitude on his face. It was clear that Adam had been right- Kris was in no shape to take care of things, so, for the time being, Adam would have to be the one to do that.
“Thanks Adam,” Kris said. He shivered a little, and Adam realized that Kris was still naked, lying on a damp towel. He also needed to treat his wrists.
“Wait right there, I’m gonna get the first- aid kit and take care of those wrists. Then we’ll get you into something warm and comfortable and into the dry side of the bed.”
Adam quickly retrieved the kit from the bathroom and returned with it to Kris. He carefully cleaned the wounds with peroxide, then dried them and put antibiotic ointment on them. There was enough gauze for tonight, but they’d need to be changed tomorrow, so he added it to the mental list he already had going of things that would need to be done for Kris tomorrow. Adam carefully covered Kris’s wrists, one by one, in thick layers of gauze and neatly secured them with medical tape. Satisfied with his work, he leaned down and kissed each wrist lovingly, then gave Kris a soft, but wet kiss on the lips.
Kris whined when Adam pulled away after only a few seconds, and he was certainly tempted to continue, since his cock was echoing Kris’s protests, but he gathered his resolve and stood up. Kris needed rest, not sex, tonight. Besides, they’d be locked in this suite for the next week, at least. There would be plenty of time to make up for the last three months apart.
“In the morning, baby,” Adam said sweetly, but firmly. He turned to Kris’s suit case, looking for something for Kris to sleep in, only to find it empty. Adam then remembered that Kris had been planning to live here indefinitely, so of course he had put his things into the drawers.
There was no need though. “I’ll sleep naked,” Kris said, gingerly rising up to move off the damp towel and climb under the covers on the dry side of the bed. “Maybe that’ll make you change your mind.” Kris winked and smiled at Adam, giving him a good view of his still naked form before pulling the covers up to his chin.
Adam was relieved at Kris’s flirting, as it meant that Kris perhaps was not in as bad a state as he had originally seemed. He held firm in his decision that a good night’s sleep was what Kris needed though, and not a roll in the hay. “Go to sleep, Kris. I’m calling Gina. Chances are she and her crew of dragons at 19 are already putting together post tour press for you. I have to head them off before anything is confirmed or finalized. Public appearances are absolutely out of the question for at least a week or two.”
“Adam,” Kris protested, ”it’s after 2 AM. You can’t call her now. She’ll chew you a new asshole.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “Kris, you pay that woman a small fortune to ride your ass 24/7. I assure you she will have no problem with a late- night phone call. And if she does, I’ll remind her that she works for you, not the other way around, and that for the amount of money you pay her, the only reason she’d better ever have for not answering your calls is because she’s six feet under.”