Fic: What If This Storm Ends?
Kris felt... weird.
The overwhelming burst of emotion he had expected to come when he arrived home had yet to leave him. He could feel it trembling underneath the surface waiting to break free. A part of him seemed not quite ready to accept that this whole thing was real, that any of it was actually happening. Even as he recollects hearing his name being screamed from what felt like a thousand directions, the streets so familiar to him now filled with people all there just because he was, it still didn’t seem real.
The fact was that Kris couldn’t comprehend it. There was no fathomable reason that people would want to be here for him. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful or didn’t accept the attention in the only way he knew how, awkward smiles and cautious waves to the crowds, but it still felt like he was watching the whole thing through somebody else eyes, that this wasn’t his life and at any moment it was all going to be pulled away.
These thoughts were nothing knew. Every time he had walked off the stage Tuesday nights the doubt would set in and he’d find himself questioning everything that he had done, if there was anything he could have done differently, said something a different way. The fear that it was all too late to change anything at all. The difference of those moments to this was when the fear set in on those nights he would have comfort from the most unexpected place, the most unexpected person.
Kris had never met anyone like Adam before in his life. From the first moment he had laid eyes on the older man he had been continuously surprised. He was ashamed to admit it now, but the first time he saw Adam, Kris never would have imagined he would ever be able to talk to Adam; something intimidating and demanding about Adam’s presence had left Kris feeling uneasy those first few days. Now Kris only felt stupid for even feeling that way. Because when Adam walked over to him, a small smile and a hand outstretched everything had changed.
It wasn’t even a gradual progression; it was something that had been there since the beginning, a connection that left Kris feeling staggered and amazed. He never considered himself as someone who could easily be himself around people unless he had known for a certain amount of time, but with Adam it never seemed to be an issue, no awkwardness or uncomfortable silences, just days and hours full of laughter and talking and there was no way Kris could possibly explain it or understand how they managed to become such close friends so soon so fast. But yet it was there, and with the friendship came a comfort. A comfort that Adam provided him with so selflessly, it was almost becoming a routine.
Perhaps it was Kris’ predictability that gave him away, but still after every performance Adam would find him, pulling him into a hug and saying nothing at all, and still it said so much to Kris. Adam would look him the eyes just after he pulled away, fixing Kris to the spot with promises that everything would be okay with still no words being spoken.
He craved that comfort right now. After a day of interviews and fans, and being pulled around every which way he could be. He wanted the steady breathing of Adam’s in his ear, the tightness of Adam’s hand as it gripped his back, and he needed that feeling more than anything else.
It should have been easy for him to rest now after such a long day, he should have felt exhausted but he felt alert and wide awake, thoughts of the next day consuming him. He closed his eyes, hating himself for even thinking that it was acceptable for him to feel this way. He was home. It should have been the best feeling in the world. But he missed him. He missed Adam. Far too much for it to be the way you miss a close friend. It had been less than two days since he had spoken to Adam and it felt like so much longer, like a part of him had been left behind.
Tomorrow he would get to see Adam, and that was the thought that fuelled him now. He wasn’t even thinking of how sad it would be to leave here or how it would feel to say goodbye to Katy again. The guilt that coursed through him wasn’t enough to quieten the desperate thoughts of being able to see Adam the next day, and it only made everything worse. How could he put so much of his existence into being able to see Adam, be close to him and talk to him when soon it would all be ripped away? They weren’t always going to be trapped away in a perfect American Idol bubble, soon, so soon all of that would fade away and the life that he had before would still be there, waiting for his return.
He had hoped the weekend would snap him out of all the thoughts that were consuming him, that the feelings that had been growing for Adam would fade with a few reminders of home, but it had only made them stronger, bolder and now he was more aware of them than ever before, so strong that they were pushing him back with a brutal force. His body was here in the familiar house, the bed that he and Katy shared, but his mind was already gone, he was already there back in the house with Adam, settling down to watch whatever trashy TV show Adam wanted to watch that night, Danny’s voice a faint mumble in the background, Allison’s... Allison. She wouldn’t be there. She was gone, like so many more before her, each leaving week by week the house growing quieter and feeling so much larger than before. Kris wondered how Allison was feeling, how she was coping, but of course she would be. She may be young but her disposition was strong and perhaps out of everyone Allison was the one who could handle it the best, graceful and herself until her last moments on the stage.
Unlike himself, Kris was sure that he fumbled his way through everything, muttering and trying his best not to say the wrong thing or ramble on about nothing at all. It was starting to get lighter outside and he wondered how much longer he would have to wait, if he just got up now and asked if they could just leave already. But he felt a warm hand wrap around his, and a body shift closer, moulding into his side, and he had to hold on, of course he had to hold on, no matter how much he wanted to let go.
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Now it's found us, like I have found you
I don't want to run, just overwhelm me
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The journey back felt long but yet over too soon, Kris had hoped the time alone would have provided him with at least some clarity. But he found himself unable to think about anything other than getting to see Adam. He had almost felt like laughing out loud on several occasions at just how pathetic he was being. Perhaps it was normal to feel this way, Adam had been a good friend, the bond they shared was bound to be strong through this shared experience, maybe he was just mixing those feelings up with something else, thinking they meant more than what they did.
Kidding himself didn’t work either, because every time he closed his eyes he saw Adam. Kris wondered what he would look like, his hair wouldn’t be styled, not today, it would be casually falling across his face, brightening the blue of his eyes. He imagined the moment that he would see him, his lips curving into a small smile before his entire face would light up and then his body would be moving towards him pulling him into a breathtaking hug and god was Kris craving for it.
The house was quiet when he arrived, too quiet, no playful shouting between Danny and Allison to be heard anywhere and he wondered if anyone else had even got back yet. He slowly made his way down to his room, wanting to rid himself of his bags and jacket, desperate to find some kind of calm from the familiarity of his room. He could faintly hear the sound of music drifting into his room, coming from the direction of Adam’s and without even thinking he was out of his room and standing in Adam’s doorway ready to barge in and see the person he had been wanting to see for what felt like so much longer than two days.
But he stopped abruptly. He had expected to see Adam unpacking, messing up his room back to the state it was in before, and quietly singing along to whatever music he had put on. But there was none of that, his jacket lay on the floor near his unopened suitcase, his boots carelessly thrown down beside it and Adam sat, his back facing Kris, his face in his hands, everything about his positioning and body language screamed with vulnerability that Kris had never seen from Adam.
Kris wanted to say something, anything. But the words hung there, nothing leaving his mouth no sound at all. Instead he moved slowly into the room, already feeling more alive with each step, just being back near Adam, being close to him again made him feel stronger. Adam was still unaware lost in whatever thoughts that tormented him and Kris just wanted to banish them all away. He took the example of Adam. How many times had Adam comforted him when he needed it, no words, no speeches, just the two of them and an unspoken understanding.
He reach his hand out slowly, at first he reached for Adam’s shoulder wanting to grip and feel that this was real, not some day dream of his own. He held on, squeezing his hand softly and Adam didn’t flinch, the hands that had been covering his face dropped though and fell into his lap. Kris couldn’t quite see but he was sure Adam had his eyes closed.
Kris moved even slower now, more scared than he had ever been in his life. Because these touches meant something else for him now and he knew it. They weren’t like the hugs before, or press of a hand on his knee, they went deeper than that, he needed this, he had perhaps always wanted this from the first moment he saw Adam, and only now with him so close could he see how blind he had been.
His hand rested at the base of his neck, cold palm against warm skin, he felt Adam shudder underneath his touch and he skimmed his hand around fingers dancing through the hair on the nape of Adam’s neck. He wanted to bury his fingers in further, to feel the softness of Adam’s hair against his fingertips, but Adam had turned to face him. Eyes wide and desperate, a sadness lingering behind them as he searched Kris’ face for an answer to a question unspoken.
Kris moved so quickly again, his hand falling away and his body moved to stand in front of Adam. It wasn’t until he reached out both hands to grasp Adam’s shoulders did he realise that he was stood between Adam’s legs the proximity between them decreasing with each small step until his chest was inches from Adam’s face.
Adam was looking down again and Kris felt like cursing him because two days of not seeing that face was already enough for him and now that he was here so close to him he refused to not be able to see Adam. He held on tightly with one hand letting the other fall to rest against the side of Adam’s neck, pushing slightly in a way that Adam would know Kris wanted him to look up.
Adam seemed to be moving as slow as Kris, taking the moment in. Kris had never seen Adam nervous before, but Adam’s hands seemed to shake as they moved slowly and rested on Kris hips, moving up with an antagonising speed to rest on his waist. But he waited, he let Adam take his time, watching him always as Adam watched his own hands skim across Kris waist, moving down and then up, but this time under his shirt, warm hands brushing across his stomach.
Kris had to focus on his breathing, trying not to let out any sign of how out of control he was of the situation. Then Adam was stopping, his hands remaining still under his shirt. Kris waited for him to turn and meet his eyes; he waited to give Adam the answers that he had wanted, the confirmation that this was okay, that he wanted this too.
Scared, nervous and beautiful eyes met his and Kris felt himself falling apart, there was so much to say, so little time left and yet he still had no desire to speak, he could have happily remained in this moment with nothing but himself and Adam, but Adam was looking away again his face sad and disappointed and the last thing Kris wanted was Adam to believe it didn’t mean anything to him, that this moment didn’t mean everything.
His hands moved quickly to grasp onto either side of Adam’s face forcing him to keep eye contact. Kris was moving again, he didn’t want Adam to question this again to try and stop this, he wanted this and he had to let Adam know. He leaned in slowly, testing to see if Adam would stop this. Instead he saw Adam’s eyes close, wanting and needing this clearly as much as Kris did. Their lips met briefly, the slightest brush against each other. Kris moved back slightly, wanting to look closely at Adam’s face. Allowing himself the one thing he had wanted for so long.
Kris lost track of his thoughts as Adam tried to move and close the distance between them again, Kris moved his face back though smiling slightly as he saw the irritation on Adam’s face. Kris should have felt terrified, this whole thing had scared the hell out of him all the way back here, but now with Adam’s hands pressed firmly against his back he felt stupid for any fear he had, as he felt Adam’s breathe on his face, he moved his hand instinctively moving it across the smooth skin of Adam’s face and he traced every part of it, committing everything about it to memory, he thought about how much he had missed Adam in the darkness of his room back home and how he had pictured Adam in his mind, his memory didn’t match up to the real thing as he ran his finger across Adam’s bottom lip, all he could think about was closing the gap between them and getting lost in the taste of Adam.
It seemed to start of so slowly, the two of them somehow getting used to each other, both hesitant and searching for reassurance from one another, but Adam’s hands were in Kris’ hair now, gripping it fiercely as their mouths crashed together. And it wasn’t like before, it wasn’t like the soft brush against each others lips, it was intense and rough, and yearning. Kris could feel Adam biting against his lip, and he wanted to cry out with the feeling it sent through him.
Then the kissing seemed to slow again, their hands moving down to each others backs, their bodies pressing together, slow kisses, stopping again every now and then searching for the same reassurance as before, but mostly for Kris’ part it was so he could look at Adam’s face, to look into those eyes.
When Kris moved away, Adam was smiling, the sadness from before seemed to have faded completely. Faintly in the background Kris could hear the sound of someone upstairs, he was sure he could hear Danny calling their names, and he suddenly felt compelled to run and shut and lock the door to keep him out. He heard Adam laugh slightly and he realised he had lifted his head to look at the door in contemplation. Adam’s body shook as he laughed and it made Kris want to lean in closer against the older mans body. He turned to face Adam again, he was still smiling to himself after laughing at Kris it faded slowly as he noticed Kris gaze, his hands softly brushing against Kris face.
“I missed you, Kris.”
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I want to see you as you are now
every single day that I am living
Painted in flames, all peeling thunder
be the lightning in me that strikes relentless