Round 13: Heartbreak Starts with an S, and Ends with G for Goodbye
Title: Heartbreak Starts with an S, and Ends with G for Goodbye
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: SHINee
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key
Summary: Key thought it was bad enough the way Jonghyun sprung the news on him six years ago. Now he’s saying he’s ready for marriage. The best part? He wants Key to help him pick out the ring.
Author's Note: It’s very difficult to write this kind of fic realistically.
Prompt Used: BEAST - Soom (This prompt only)
To Kibum she had only ever been her; she; "the girl". It wasn't an intentional mark of nonchalance-she just never needed a name anything more formal or anything less casual. Did he think that made him disconnected from the situation, even if only slightly-superficially? Hell yes.
The news, surprise surprise, broke over the dinner table, where Jinki was piling overcooked vegetables onto his plate and Taemin was texting someone sneakily beneath the table. Minho was still putting his shoes away at the door, having arrived late. Maybe it was luck that Jonghyun waited until everyone was there and nobody was eating, save for Jinki. He could have actually planned and timed it that way but Kibum ascribed luck over tact because Jonghyun had never been one for finesse, as evidenced by the way he oh so casually remarked, "I think I'm going to ask her to marry me."
Her. The word reverberated in his mind, playing table tennis with his inner emotions and attempt to conceal the shock he really felt. Jinki reacted first; lucky for them all that he saved the others the trouble.
"That's great Jonghyun!" He was all smiles and eyes disappearing into happy little half crescents as he clapped Jonghyun heartily on the shoulder. Jonghyun looked sheepish but grinned, a relieved smile playing at his lips.
"Yeah?"
Minho spoke next. "Yeah hyung! I can't believe it but I guess it makes sense considering how long you've been dating her!"
Her.
"How long have you been thinking about this hyung?" Taemin asked. He finally put his phone away and folded his hands beneath his chin, elbows resting gently on the able.
"I've been thinking about it for a while now. I mean, Onew hyung is going for his military service in a few months and then I won't be long after, right? So I figured I should do it soon, before I have to leave her." Her "Even if we can't marry before I have to leave, I can at least put the ring on her finger, you know?"
Her.
Minho stood and walked around the table to where Jonghyun was. They pulled each other into a strong hug. Jonghyun's face buried into Minho's chest for a moment and when they pulled away there was a suspicious watery gleam to his eyes. Kibum barely had a chance to scrutinize his friend's face before it disappeared again, this time into Jinki's shoulder.
Not to be left out, Taemin stood too and put his hand on Jonghyun's arm. He'd never been one for all the touchy feely stuff like Minho or Jinki, but it was at least his way of showing he cared, that he was happy for his older bandmate.
They were talking, all of them-something more about congratulations and lucky chap and can't believe you're getting hitched before me. Kibum sat there in his seat, thinking.
Her?
"Hey Kibum, ain't you happy for me?" Jonghyun yanked him from his musings, still smiling and positively glowing. He looked like he'd just won the lottery. Considering the news, he probably felt like it.
Kibum didn't say anything. The silence stretched out and it was awkward-no, not awkward, just...anticipatory. Everyone was waiting for what he'd say to his best friend, the guy he'd become closest to. They were probably all wondering why he hadn't been the first to congratulate Jonghyun. What are they thinking? ‘Why is Kibum so silent?’ Are they disappointed at my lack of reaction? He met Jinki's eyes first, then Taemin's, and finally Minhos, ignoring Jonghyun entirely. Minho sent him a Look. A Look that Kibum interpreted to mean I know.
Do they all know? Are they thinking it? Poor Kibum? "I-" What? I'm happy for you? Was he? "Congratulations Jjong," he muttered. And then he pushed his chair back and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I'm going to uhm...I'm going, I'll talk to you all tomorrow." He knew it wasn't what he was supposed to say. It wasn't even what he'd meant to say, but he was confused. Confused enough that he had no idea the right words to offer and so, in a fashion that was entirely unlike him, he said nothing at all.
He just left.
* * *
Six years ago Jonghyun had done the impossible. He’d done what every idol group’s manager tells his band not to do. Not only had Jonghyun begun an illicit affair with a famous actress-he’d gone and made the relationship public.
At the time, when their relationship had been in its fledgling state, Kibum had spent many a night awake and wondering how his friend could have been so selfish. He knew, hell they all knew, what the ramifications would be if he was discovered. So much had been at stake and Jonghyun had gambled the future of SHINee and their biggest support group. Why? How?
It had been a difficult time, not just for Jonghyun but for them all. The constant hate mail and rumors circulating had been enough to make even calm and collected Taemin crazy. Every night for almost two weeks following the official announcement had been spent consoling a distressed Jonghyun and trying to calm a frantic Jinki. It hadn’t taken long before Kibum felt like he was fraying at the edges.
It was funny in a way now, when Kibum looked back on that time. Where so much hate had been poured against Jonghyun and her, against Jinki for not being more responsible, against Minho and Taemin for not being more sensible, a large majority of the fanclubs had struck together to support him, Kim Kibum, as though he’d been a victim. Every silent stare and lingering gaze and accidental brush of skin had been scrutinized, underlined as Kibum’s depressive state over his best friend having been ‘stolen away from him.’
He scoffed now, thinking about it. And yet, as much as he had wanted to write off the crazy remarks and distance himself from the crushed condolences from his fans, he hadn’t been able to deny that he had felt the consequences of Jonghyun’s actions. He’d sucked them all into a pit of uncertainty and conflicting allegiances, so to speak. He’d stirred up the music industry and left the people around him to deal with it.
Kibum turned the volume of the TV up, trying to drown out his mind’s remembrances with the sounds of infomercials. He and Jonghyun had always been ones for histrionics. Where Kibum had a tendency to blow things out of proportion, Jonghyun had a tendency to underestimate the results of his spur of the moment decisions.
Maybe this was Kibum dramatizing the situation again. It had been stupid to walk out on dinner like that-he wasn’t 19 anymore.
With a sigh Kibum closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch. A headache was beginning to form at his temples. After the stunt he’d pulled at dinner, he knew he’d have to apologize to Jonghyun sooner than later but he really wasn’t eager to confront his friend about his behavior. He’d have to offer an explanation for one thing, and Kibum truthfully didn’t have one aside from, ‘You took me by total surprise.’
It seemed the decision was taken out of his hands however. Only a few minutes later, his cell phone buzzed in his pocket. Knowing who it was most likely to be, he didn’t bother to stall and instead pulled the phone out.
“Hi.”
“Are you okay?” Kibum licked his lips, considering. “Yeah I’m fine. Sorry for leaving like that.” There was silence and this time it was awkward. Even to Kibum’s own ears he could hear how insincere his apology sounded.
Jonghyun sighed over the line, a sentiment Kibum could share. “Look, are you sure you’re okay? Every time I ask you always say you are but then you just, you know, walk out on conversations and stuff. Or you never come out with us anymore. You do realize tonight was the first night I’ve seen you outside of SHINee schedules in almost a week? Considering our apartment buildings are right next to each other, that’s just sad.”
Wow, he couldn’t help but think to himself, Jjong actually went more than 5 words without saying her name. He snorted aloud and didn’t realize it until Jonghyun asked him again what was wrong.
“Nothing, nothing,” he assured. He licked his lips again, swallowing thickly before finally saying, “It’s kinda late Jjong. I was just about to sleep, do you think maybe we could talk about this tomorrow?” After I’ve had a chance to think about how I feel and sort myself out? he added mentally.
“Tomorrow? Wait, I really think we need to talk about this now!”
“Jjong-”
“No, hear me out for a second. I know I say this to you all the time, and I know I’ve been saying it for literally years now, but sometimes I just can’t wrap my head around how different you and I are now. Trying to maintain a closeness with you like what we had way back when has become nearly impossible. I just feel so bad, like it’s my fault. Is it? Is it something I’ve done?”
Kibum felt a laugh bubble up in his chest at that. It was so much like Jonghyun. Doing something and only afterward considering its impact on other people. Kibum wanted to tell him off, to tell him how selfish he thought Jonghyun had become, maybe had always been, but he didn’t. He curbed the urge to say what he really wanted to. “You haven’t done anything, don’t worry about it. I’m just tired lately, what with all the preparations for out last comeback.
“I am really happy for you Jjong. I know how much…she means to you. It’s about time you did something about it.” She. It was always her and she.
“I hope you know how much that means to me Key,” Jonghyun said. His voice sounded hoarse and for a second, Kibum contemplated the possibility he had actually cried after Kibum left. “Even if we’re not as close as before, I’ve always regarded you as one of my best friends.”
There was nothing Kibum could say to that. His fingers tightened around the phone. “Oh,” he finally said.
“Actually, there’s something I was wondering I could ask you.”
“Ask me?”
“Yeah…more like a favor,” he hedged. Kibum could just image him fidgeting across the line.
“I’d say ‘anything,’ but it really depends on what you need,” Kibum said.
“Uh well-You know how I said I was thinking about asking her to marry me? Well that’s all I’ve done really. I haven’t actually thought about how I’m going to propose. Actually, I haven’t even bought a ring yet.”
Kibum knew where this was going. There was no need for Jonghyun to say it, and before he had a chance to, Kibum quickly said, “Let me guess, you want me to help you pick out a ring?” He heard Jonghyun chuckle nervously, imagined him flicking his hair nervously to the side and scratching his neck sheepishly as he answered, “Yeah, that’s it. I would really appreciate it.”
“You can’t have Onew hyung help you?”
“Like I said-I still consider you my best friend. Sure I could ask hyung but I want you to help me. Please?”
Maybe it was the whispered please tacked so effortlessly on to the end of the plea. Maybe some part of Kibum was a masochist and he subconsciously loved putting himself in shitty situations or maybe Jonghyun still knew just what to say to have Kibum doing anything he wanted. Maybe maybe maybe.
“Yea okay. I’ll help you-God only knows all the ways you could mess this up.”
“Really? Thank you, oh geez thank you!” and Jonghyun thanked him again and again before bidding Kibum goodbye and hanging up.
Maybe he should have said no.
* * *
It took him three weeks to muster up the courage, or maybe idiocy, to finally approach the subject again. It was as though after dropping the next bombshell I want to ask her to marry me, Jonghyun became perfectly content to let that simmer at the top of everyone’s mind but not do anything about it. It was horrible-the huge elephant in the room, at least to Kibum.
They had two months left before their final come back; five months until Jinki would officially leave the group and enter the military; eight months before Jonghyun would join him. They’d decided last year that they after Jinki left first, they would be done. All of their contracts were ending soon and only Jonghyun was choosing to renew a contract with SM. There was no place for him away from the music industry and he was going to secure his position in SM.
It didn’t feel real yet, this goodbye. It felt like they’d done this for so long, there was nothing else. There was Before SHINee and During SHINee but After SHINee, that was an entirely different story.
Kibum didn’t like to think about it, that was for sure.
He knew the months would slip away quickly. Before any of them knew it they’d have their final goodbye stage and Jinki would leave, then Jonghyun. But Kibum had made a promise to his friend and no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel, Kibum wasn’t about to go back on it.
He approached Jonghyun after a night in the recording station. While the others shuffled with heavy feet and bleary eyes out of the studio, Kibum grabbed Jonghyun’s wrist and held him back. Jonghyun looked at him questioningly, giving Kibum a chance to take a deep breath before forging on.
“You haven’t said anything about it, but I was just wondering if you still wanted to pick out a ring sometime?”
Jonghyun’s eyes lit up, the tiredness washed away and replaced by an excited gleam. “Yeah! Thanks Kibum, I wasn’t sure how I should talk to you about it, but yeah, I do still need help with the ring.” Kibum nodded. “Are you free tomorrow? I have the afternoon off since my parts are done for this track.”
Jonghyun shook his head. “No I still have some time scheduled. But I’ll be free later at night, around 7 or so.”
“Alright well, if you’re up to it, I can pick you up from here around then and we’ll head out to some of the jewelry stores.”
“Thanks Key, I really appreciate this.” He clapped Kibum awkwardly on the shoulder. Without really meaning to, the younger singer flinched away, looking away quickly to avoid Jonghyun’s hurt look when he did so. “Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he mumbled, trying to step away from his friend.
Jonghyun grabbed his wrist, holding him back. “I really do appreciate this,” he said again. There was a look in his eyes Kibum hadn’t seen before, a mixture of questioning and…perhaps longing? regret? Kibum smiled, knowing it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know,” he said simply.
And he did know. He knew Jonghyun had no idea what was going through Kibum’s head-hell, half the time Kibum wasn’t even sure what was happening in his brain. It was just a whirlwind of emotions and what ifs and if onlys. Kibum didn’t like the odd feeling that bubbled in his chest whenever Jonghyun mentioned her but he’d been dealing with it for so many years now he’d gotten good at ignoring it, at the very least writing it off as unimportant.
It was amazing how quickly the months slip by, after all. Years were no different.
* * *
“So you have no idea what to get her, do you?” Kibum should have suspected as much from Jonghyun, when the older man had promptly informed him after they’d parked in the first jewelry shop’s parking lot that all he had was her ring size and nothing else.
“Uh, I know I have to get her a nice ring. Nothing flashy, but something that says I care. Right?” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Kibum switched the car off and shifted in his seat to look at his friend. “What’s your budget?”
“Budget?”
This time he did roll his eyes. “Yes Jjong, your budget. How much are you willing to spend on your soon to be fiancé?”
“I’m willing to spend any amount on her-nothing is too much for me!” He sounded decidedly pleased as he announced this.
“That’s very noble of you. Now, let’s be realistic. You’re not a well of money, so how much can you actually afford?”
“A couple million won, give or take some. Whatever little bit the company is willing to spare me,” Jonghyun said. Kibum nodded. Grabbing his wallet which he’d dropped into the cup holder between them, he told Jonghyun to get out of the car and together they made their way to the shop’s entrance.
They spent an hour looking at various diamond shapes and band settings, comparing prices and shine and quality. Jonghyun was conflicted between going all out with platinum or going classy with gold, but both made his eyes bulge when he caught sight of their price tags.
“Key, maybe we should try somewhere else,” Jonghyun whispered in his ear, leaning sideways against him as they both leaned forward to gaze at the sparkling rings in the glass case. Kibum felt a shiver race down his spine, told himself his cheek and neck certainly were not heating up from the way Jonghyun’s breath blew across his skin. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind.
“If you’re sure. There are some other stores we can try and besides, there’s no rush to get a ring picked out tonight.” He swallowed thickly before adding, “You want to have the perfect ring when you go to propose to h-when you go to propose.”
Jonghyun smiled. “Of course! And I know with you around I’ll definitely find the best ring.” He sounded so sure of himself, as though no other thought could even comprehend to him. His belief in Kibum’s infallibility had the young 25 year old squirming from barely suppressed guilt. If only you knew how I really feel, he couldn’t help but think darkly.
They left the store with mental notes on which rings Jonghyun had taken a particular liking to. They moved to the next store and only spent a half hour there before Jonghyun decided none of the rings were right.
“You sure? That little three stone oval shaped one was pretty,” he said as they left the store, calling a quiet goodbye to the saleswoman.
Jonghyun shook his head as he and Kibum reached the car. “No, it was too…bland.”
“Bland? That ‘bland’ ring would have cost you Onew, Minho, and Taemin’s pay from the past four years.”
“Yet another reason why it’s no good. There’s no way I could afford a ring that cost.”
Kibum shrugged, staying silent as he pulled the car out of the parking lot and back into the street. He glanced at the clock, noting that it was already past 9. “I don’t think there are any other stores that are going to be open at this time Jjong. You wanna try again tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m free all day tomorrow. I think it’s just Minho and Taemin who have some things left to finish up in the studio. Unless you have plans or something, we could get together in the morning, maybe catch some breakfast before hitting the stores again.”
“Breakfast sounds good,” he said. “But you’re buying.”
* * *
In hindsight Kibum realized he could have seen all of this coming. All those years ago, all the secretive texting and late night phone calls. Kibum had chalked them up to his friend calling home or calling other friends whom were too busy to talk during the day. After all, it had never been a secret that as far as idol group members went, Jonghyun had the freest schedule.
Maybe he should have done something about it then. Maybe if he’d had the guts to confront Jonghyun about it instead of sitting there, going on with his day ignoring all the signs, maybe all the fallouts and the arguments and the accusations could have been avoided. It was always maybe.
Or no, not maybe. It was always her. The way Jonghyun would drop everything to go to her when she needed him, never mind that Taemin needed to help Jonghyun with the dance routine or Minho needed help with harmonizing his voice better, or Jinki needed someone to help him unwind and talk to. Never mind that Kibum would stay up waiting for him, wanting to see if he was alright because he’d stayed out until 2 again. Never mind that as a group the other four members silently worried for Jonghyun. Never mind that none of them knew the truth.
It was that which had bothered Kibum. The implicit lies and half truths. The secrecy. It was the way Jonghyun seemed to have so little regard for them once he got himself a girl on his arm. Kibum understood-hell they all did once the news was finally broken. It was hard sharing a dorm with four other guys and even harder when you have a seemingly endless amount of time.
Yeah, Kibum understood that. But that didn’t mean he had to accept it. He managed-as did the other three.
Lately Kibum found himself thinking on those early days, as if there was something he had missed back then and if he thought long and hard enough now he could remember what he’d missed and possibly fix it. Fix what exactly? Kibum didn’t even know.
One month had passed and Kibum and Jonghyun had yet to give up their quest for the perfect ring. Kibum wasn’t sure if Jonghyun was being indecisive or just really too damn picky. Every ring was either too big or too plain or too expensive or too just not good enough. There was one month left before their comeback and then after that all bets were off. There was no way they’d find the time during promotions to go out every night like this.
This being Kibum driving Jonghyun out of the city as the older man beside him dozed in his seat. They’d exhausted all the viable options in their city and were forced now to head to the next town over. Kibum was not looking forward to a forty minute drive that would bear the same results as every other excursion.
He didn’t have much trouble finding the store but blinked his eyes several times to make sure he was seeing it right. He punched Jonghyun in the arm, instantly waking him up. Silently they exited the car.
“Are you sure this is the place?” Jonghyun sounded skeptical as he yawned and scrutinized the front door before finally pulling it open and holding it for his friend to go through first.
“Well, it’s what the directions and the sign say.”
“This is…really different,” Jonghyun said.
You can say that again. “Whatever, hopefully you’ll find something here.”
The shop was tiny, that was one of the first differences between this one and the others they’d looked in. While they’d stayed close to the large chain jewelers, this time Kibum had sought a small, family owned store. It wasn’t alit in bright colors and dazzling sparkles and there were no posters of their SNSD sunbaes modeling necklaces and bracelets. Instead it was dark and quaint, dim lighting supplied from a few overhanging lights that cast a surreal glow to the shelves of antiques and glass figurines. Toward the back was where Kibum pulled Jonghyun, as there was where he spotted cases of rings and necklaces.
“Can I help you find something?” The shopkeeper, an elderly woman with smiling eyes and playful lips emerged from a back door situated in the corner of the room.
“We’re here to look at engagement rings,” Kibum answered. The woman’s smile seemed to grow bigger. The lines on her face folded like kneaded dough as she grinned. “Congratulations to you two,” she said.
Jonghyun made a strange coughing sound, as though he’d swallowed something too quickly. “W-we-it’s not for us,” he spluttered. “I’m looking for a ring to propose to my girlfriend.”
That strange feeling was back in his chest. Kibum stepped away from Jonghyun’s side, trying to appear casual about it. He kept his gaze fixed on the row of sparkling rings in the case.
“I recognize you, you know.” His head snapped up at that. “You do?” he asked, unable to help himself.
The woman shrugged. “Of course I do. I may be old but I’m not blind and my memory hasn’t gone away entirely. I see your faces all the time. Onew and Kibum, right?”
Jonghyun made an indignant sound but Kibum, suppressing a laugh, answered, “I’m Kibum yes. That’s Jonghyun though.”
“So, you need an engagement ring? Do you know what you’re looking for?”
From there it was a matter of sorting through all the various rings. Despite the store’s appearance, the woman carried a great deal of high quality stones and metals. What was also nice was that many of the rings were original, created by the woman’s son. To Kibum some of the originals were more exquisite than the most expensive and flashy rings he and Jonghyun had seen in other, larger and well known, stores.
Jonghyun apparently agreed.
“This is it Key, I can feel it. It’s one of these rings.” Jonghyun pointed to two rings nestled in their velvet cases sitting on the table. Both were equally beautiful and both were within Jonghyun’s price range. They were, however, as different as could be. One had a thin gold band with a cushion shaped diamond in the center, graduated side diamonds adorning the edges. The other had a wide platinum band, a simple, lone marquise shaped diamond held in the center. It was simple but perhaps that’s why it caught Kibum’s attention.
Silently, he picked the case up and pulled the ring from his velvet home. He turned the ring around between his fingers, only looking up to meet Jonghyun’s eyes after a long moment of silence.
“Which one do you like more? Which do you think fits better?” he asked. Jonghyun looked at him strangely. There was a seriousness in his eyes that Kibum rarely saw there. It was the same look he’d given Kibum the night he finally told him about her, all those years ago.
They ignored the shopkeeper standing behind the table. Jonghyun’s eyes finally fell away from Kibum’s face and instead gently took the ring from him. “This looks like something you would like,” he murmured, more to himself than Kibum. The latter felt something strange swell in his chest, pushing it away until he could think about what it meant later, when he wasn’t in Jonghyun’s presence.
“I do like it,” he admitted.
“It’s…simple.”
“Simple isn’t always a bad thing.”
Jonghyun looked up again for a moment before picking up the second ring. He didn’t bother to take it out but held the two close to each other, admiring both the stones and the finish. Kibum found it endearing the way Jonghyun was biting his bottom lip hard in concentration but wisely said nothing.
“It’s your choice,” Kibum said again, as if it wasn’t already obvious that it was-that it had always been.
Secretly, Kibum thought the simpler ring was more precious, more stunning. But at the same time, he couldn’t picture her wearing it. He knew the gold ring was what would suit her better, what Jonghyun would be appreciated for proposing with. It was flashy and it glinted in an ostentatious way that would surely have the media in a frenzy. Kibum just knew Jonghyun would choose it.
“I-” He closed his mouth. Suddenly Jonghyun snapped the gold ring’s box closed with a sharp sound. He put it back on the glass top and replaced the other ring in its appropriate case, though left it open. “I’ll take this one,” he said with a smile, pointing at the open case.
* * *
They were down to two weeks before their come back.
Jonghyun was spending an inordinate amount of time at Kibum’s place, not that he was really complaining. Yeah Kibum still got that funny Chest Feeling whenever Jonghyun came over, whenever he talked about her, but lately it seemed to happen a lot when Jonghyun did little things, like grin at him with that irritatingly cocky half smile. The feeling was just a flutter, nothing more than a butterfly’s flap of wings, but he held onto it for as long as he could. Sometimes it felt like he'd done something wrong, other times-like when Jonghyun smiled at him-he felt like he’d done the best possible thing he could.
They spent every night for a week in Kibum’s apartment alone. Jonghyun, for safety’s sake, kept the ring at Kibum’s apartment. They hadn’t even told the other members yet that they’d bought it, or rather, that Jonghyun had. It was another secret to add to the list Jonghyun had concocted over the years, but at least this time, it was their secret.
Perhaps that made it worse.
Jonghyun liked to rifle through Kibum’s cereal cabinet, pulling out the little black velvet box. Kibum had lost count the number of times he’d walked into the kitchen and stared silently, unnoticed by Jonghyun as he would quickly grab the cabinet door open and grab the ring box. He didn’t even always open it, just stared at the box with that look in his eyes, the same one from the store, before putting it away back in its place next to Kibum’s Cheerios.
Kibum stood there now, in the doorway of his kitchen. Jonghyun was stroking the corner of the case, licking his bottom lip absentmindedly as he did so. Not wanting to startle him, Kibum softly cleared his throat.
Jonghyun’s head snapped up at the sound. He looked guilty for a second before closing his fingers tightly around the ring case and giving Kibum a smile. “Hey, you done?” Kibum quirked a brow at that. “Obviously I’m done, since I’m not in the shower anymore,” he said.
He went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer, opening it quickly and taking a seat at the table. Jonghyun remained where he stood, leaning his hip against the counter and still scrutinizing the ring box.
“Key?”
“Hm?”
“I just want to tell you that everything you’ve done these past few weeks, you know, helping me with the ring and all…I’m really grateful for it.” Jonghyun didn’t look away from his hands, obviously embarrassed for becoming so sentimental. Kibum wisely chose to not make a big deal out of it, saving the older man from further feelings of embarrassment. “Don’t mention it,” he said. “What’re best friends for if they won’t even come with you to help you plan your engagement?” He took a long, deep swallow of his drink after saying it, unsure whether it was the burn of his words or the burn of the alcohol that stung more.
Jonghyun nodded in understanding. “Can I…Can I be a total ass and ask you for another favor?”
“Depends.”
“I know we’ve been rehearsing and planning and whatnot how I’m going to go about proposing but uhm, do you think maybe I could practice on you? Just once? Just so I know I have it for tomorrow night?”
Tomorrow, right. Friday. The Friday. The Proposal Friday.
Kibum swallowed thickly, feeling like he’d swallowed a bug along the way. “Sure,” he said, feigning nonchalance. Jonghyun’s ensuing relieved and excited smile was almost worth the returned Chest Feeling.
He pushed away from the counter and pocketed the ring case in his back pocket. Wiping his hands down the front of his pants, Jonghyun looked the perfect picture of anxious-no doubt exactly how he’d be feeling tomorrow night.
“Okay well, you just sit there and I’ll-yeah…” Kibum shot him a pointed look, fighting the urge to laugh at his friend looking so flustered. “Uh right, so here I go.” Without asking for permission, Jonghyun plucked the beer from Kibum’s hand and pushed it down the table, away from where he could get it. He ignored the look of annoyance Kibum gave him at that.
“Baby, uhm, I have something I want to say to you tonight, but before I do, I want you to know-I love you.” Kibum swallowed, wishing he was a little more drunk before he had to sit there and hear this. “I know the years have been rough, on both of us. We got together when we were still so young, when our careers had only just begun what they would eventually make it up to. People told us how stupid we were to pursue a relationship and there were times we almost agreed, but we didn’t.”
Jonghyun stepped closed to Kibum’s chair, forcing Kibum to spin and sit sideways in his seat and look up to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. “No one ever once said being with you would be easy, and I can’t imagine people said anything different to you. We had to depend on each other when we had no one else. We couldn’t tell anyone about ourselves and I’m sorry that all those years ago we were forced to hide what we felt for each other.” Oh God. “I know I’ve said this to you countless times but I have to say it again-I love you. And I have always loved you, ever since the beginning. I can’t imagine life without you, beside me and supporting me.”
The Chest Feeling was still there but it was worse than it had ever felt before. Kibum stared into Jonghyun’s eyes as he spoke, unable to look away. He sat frozen listening to his friend speak words directly from his heart, words he probably should never be allowed to hear because they were sacred and intimate and represented something that Kibum had no right trying to understand. Jonghyun sounded so sincere, so intense and passionate about his feelings. The more he said, the easier it was for Kibum to fall into a delusion where Jonghyun was saying these things to him and not her.
Jonghyun suddenly bent down onto his knee, taking Kibum’s hand into both his sweaty ones, finally giving Kibum a chance to not crane his neck to see him.“I have to thank you for always being there for me. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m reckless and impulsive and I say stupid things and don’t always know the right thing to say. But when I say things like I care about you and that I love you, I mean it. You’re the world to me baby. You’re everything to me-my friend, my best friend, my lov-”
“What did you say?” Was that his voice? Was that Kim Kibum’s voice sounding so strangled and shocked?
Jonghyun was completely thrown off from his speech. He blinked twice and the fog that had covered his eyes lifted away as he pulled himself back from his words. “What?”
“What did you just say?” Kibum asked, using the same voice.
“I-I-”
“Your best friend? Best friend?”
“Key-”
Kibum abruptly stood, yanking his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip as he did so. “Get out Jonghyun.”
“What?”
“I said leave.” He pushed the chair back and stepped backward once before spinning on his heel to hurry away.
“Key, wait I-”
“Did you not hear me?! I said get out!” he all but shouted. The Chest Feeling was threatening to erupt into something horrible, something monstrous. Kibum felt like something was waiting to pour out of his mouth, something like words he knew shouldn’t ever be said. The only thing he needed right then was Jonghyun to leave so he could give himself some time to think and sort himself out and not feel this thing wage war within him and just-
Shit.
Jonghyun didn’t understand, he never seemed to understand. Rather than leave Kibum alone, the older man grabbed Key’s wrist and pulled him back, spinning him around to face him. “Kibum, what the hell is wrong?!” He bit the inside of his cheek, sucking his lips tightly into his mouth, refusing to speak. “Key?
“I just need you to leave,” he finally ground out.
“Not good enough! You’re always doing this-You have to leave Jjong or I have to go guys I don’t feel well. What the hell is going on? You’ve been pulling this avoidance crap for years and I’ve always tried to be understanding about it, like maybe you are just tired or something. But you never talk to me anymore! It’s like…it’s like I don’t even know you. I never said how I felt but it’s been like this for years and I’m so tired of it! Can’t you give me an explanation? Is it me? Are you tired of me? Or is it SHINee? Do you-”
Kibum had always known Jonghyun could be a little dense about things but this, this took the cake. He claimed to have felt the ever growing distance between himself and Kibum for years but it was only now that he spoke up about it?
“Stop,” Kibum interrupted. “Jjong, please just leave. I’ll explain later alright, I just need some time alone.” He tried to pull his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip but Jonghyun held strong.
“No, not this time. I’m not leaving until you explain yourself. I’ll stay the whole night if I have to.” Why you asshole? Why do you have to choose now to grow a spine and say something?! I spent years wondering why you hadn’t trusted me and now you suddenly-
It was those thoughts that had Kibum suddenly feeling angry, angrier than he could remember feeling in a long time. This time when he tried, he was successful in yanking his arm free. Eyes narrowing, he took a step back and inhaled sharply.
“Why is it you have to choose now of all times to actually care, Jjong?” he asked, voicing his earlier thought.
“What?”
“You never cared before. You never cared before how I felt or how everything you did was affecting the rest of us. Why the hell do you have to act like you do now?”
“How can you say that? I’ve always cared about you and the others!”
“Cared enough that you made all those damn decisions on your own? You’re so damn selfish, you’ve always been! All you ever think about is yourself-I have a girlfriend, I’m going to go public with her, I’m going to propose to her! Did you ever once think how it would affect us? How Taemin would need you around to help him with his vocals? How Onew would stay up to wait for you, always worried that that time would be when you both would be caught? Did you ever even care that Minho might feel lonely going to the gym alone or learning dance routines alone because you weren’t there with him?
“Did you ever fucking care?” he screamed the final words.
Jonghyun looked like a deer caught in headlights. He no doubt felt like one. Kibum didn’t feel a shred of remorse for what he’d said, because it was nothing but the truth.
The silence was deafening as it stretched out before them. The distance between himself and Jonghyun seemed to be growing, like a deepening chasm that neither had any hope to fill or repair. Kibum tasted the salt of a tear die at the corner of his mouth but did nothing to rub his eyes clear of the moisture.
Finally, Jonghyun spoke. “I love her.”
Her.
“I know you do.”
“Key, I-I love her,” he choked. Kibum didn’t say anything. Jonghyun apparently took that as his cue to say his piece. “I have nothing without her,” You have me dammit! Me! “How can you-how can you say I’m selfish? I’ve done everything for the group, I’ve done everything I could to keep all of us as happy as I could. I love her, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”
“You loving her hurts us,” Kibum whispered. It hurts me, he wanted to say. “None of us have ever doubted whether you loved her or not. We all accepted a long time ago that if it came to a choice between us and her, you’d choose Se-her.” There was an unmistakable underlying tone of resentment in his voice; Kibum did nothing to hide it.
Jonghyun shook his head, smiling at Kibum bitterly. “You won’t even say her name. How did I never notice?” The younger man remained silent, swallowing around the lump growing in his throat. The Chest Feeling was getting strong again. “I guess it’s lucky then.”
“What is?”
Jonghyun chuckled humorlessly. “I guess it’s lucky then that I won’t have to choose. We’ve got our comeback in two weeks, promotions for a few months, and not long after that I’m leaving for the service. Pretty simple. No choices involved.”
“I-”
“Well no, I lied.” Kibum clamped his mouth shut, curbing the urge to say what he’d wanted to. “The only decision comes tomorrow, when Se Kyung chooses whether to marry me or not. Don’t worry Key, you’ll be the first to know what she says.” In the eight years they’d known each other, Kibum couldn’t think of any crueler words Jonghyun had ever said to him.
Jonghyun didn’t wait for Kibum to reply. Shaking his head, he hurried away, leaving the kitchen. It was a moment after that Kibum heard his door slam shut. It didn’t escape his notice that the ring case Jonghyun had pocketed was still in his pocket when he left.
* * *
The two weeks had been tense, so tense that their manager had even noticed, telling them to suck up whatever petty problems they were having amongst themselves and not fuck up your comeback stage.
They’d been rehearsing for so many months now, wanting to make this their best performance to date. They were the sunbaes now, the oldest group. All the rookie idols were looking on at them in awe as they stood backstage, waiting impatiently for their turn.
The Chest Feeling which had been bothering Kibum relentlessly for the past two weeks was lost in the feeling of butterflies and nervousness he currently felt. He saw Minho and Taemin standing close together, the former’s arm around the latter’s waist. Jinki joined them soon enough by slinging an arm around Minho’s shoulders. Kibum found himself smiling. He was happy that despite the relationship between himself and Jonghyun that had deteriorated over the years, Jinki, Minho, and Taemin’s had grown until they were as close as real brothers. Sometimes Kibum found himself envious of their relationship until he realized he’d had that at one time. At least I’ve had it even once in my life, he always thought to himself to push the nostalgia away. He was lucky that he’d found a friend like Jonghyun, even if their friendship had blown to bits after only a few short years.
Only two more groups stood between his group’s comeback. The anxiety and anticipation suddenly felt tenfold, realizing how close they were. Kibum tore his eyes away from the stage and looked around at the other groups waiting around him. His eyes finally fell on Jonghyun, who stood a little ways off from the other three and himself. Kibum watched Jonghyun as he smiled down at his phone, fingers moving rapidly on the keys. He knew exactly who Jonghyun was talking to.
Seemingly finished on his phone, Jonghyun handed it to their manager and finally walked over to the rest of his band. He stopped next to Kibum and they stood for several seconds in silence beside each other, neither speaking. A peek through the curtain showed the fans all holding SHINee banners and lightsticks. It made Kibum feel good, the support.
“Guess this is it,” Jonghyun commented, voice flat as though he’d just commented on the weather.
“Yeah. This is it.” Jonghyun cleared his throat and after a moment said, “She’s watching, you know.”
Kibum refused to tear his eyes away from the stage. “She should be, she is your fiancé after all.”
“Yeah.”
The group finished and now only one group was left before them. Kibum’s fingers tingled, skin feeling too tight as he waited. When finally the group bowed and hurried off stage, the MCs beginning the introduction for Kibum and the other four, Jonghyun suddenly took his hand in his.
Surprised, Kibum’s head turned to look at him questioningly. “This is really it,” Jonghyun said, face serious. “This is goodbye.”
Kibum nodded. His older bandmate released his hand and followed Jinki, Minho, and Taemin onto the stage but Kibum remained standing there, frozen. This is goodbye.
Suddenly all the noise died away. There was nothing, nothing but Kibum and his four band members urging him to join them. There was Taemin looking confused and waving his hand and pointing his finger at Kibum’s spot. This is goodbye. There was Minho with his eyes narrowed, walking sideways to take his position behind Jinki. This is goodbye. There was Jonghyun with his fists clenched as he waited for Kibum to come onto the stage.
The Chest Feeling was back again. It felt almost crippling, like someone had punched him in the chest. And just like that he understood. Just like that he understood what it meant, what he was supposed to do.
To Kibum she had only ever been her; she; "the girl". To Jonghyun she’d been his best friend. To the world she’d been a scandal; the scandal; SHINee’s Scandal. As Kibum stared at Jinki walking back towards him, he couldn’t help but remember all the times Jonghyun’s selfishness had made the other four suffer, through the threats and the hate and the rumors. Maybe if Kibum had said something back then before, he could have stopped it all. Maybe he could have prevented his relationship with Jonghyun from going down the toilet. Maybe if he just been selfish once, he wouldn't be standing here at the edge of the stage battling the Chest Feeling. Maybe. Maybe it was time for Kibum to start a scandal of his own; Kibum’s Scandal.
This is Goodbye. In a fashion that was perhaps more like him than he’d ever thought, Kibum turned around and left.
Poll Round 13: Heartbreak Starts with an S, and Ends with G for Goodbye
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: SHINee
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key
Summary: Key thought it was bad enough the way Jonghyun sprung the news on him six years ago. Now he’s saying he’s ready for marriage. The best part? He wants Key to help him pick out the ring.
Author's Note: It’s very difficult to write this kind of fic realistically.
Prompt Used: BEAST - Soom (This prompt only)
To Kibum she had only ever been her; she; "the girl". It wasn't an intentional mark of nonchalance-she just never needed a name anything more formal or anything less casual. Did he think that made him disconnected from the situation, even if only slightly-superficially? Hell yes.
The news, surprise surprise, broke over the dinner table, where Jinki was piling overcooked vegetables onto his plate and Taemin was texting someone sneakily beneath the table. Minho was still putting his shoes away at the door, having arrived late. Maybe it was luck that Jonghyun waited until everyone was there and nobody was eating, save for Jinki. He could have actually planned and timed it that way but Kibum ascribed luck over tact because Jonghyun had never been one for finesse, as evidenced by the way he oh so casually remarked, "I think I'm going to ask her to marry me."
Her. The word reverberated in his mind, playing table tennis with his inner emotions and attempt to conceal the shock he really felt. Jinki reacted first; lucky for them all that he saved the others the trouble.
"That's great Jonghyun!" He was all smiles and eyes disappearing into happy little half crescents as he clapped Jonghyun heartily on the shoulder. Jonghyun looked sheepish but grinned, a relieved smile playing at his lips.
"Yeah?"
Minho spoke next. "Yeah hyung! I can't believe it but I guess it makes sense considering how long you've been dating her!"
Her.
"How long have you been thinking about this hyung?" Taemin asked. He finally put his phone away and folded his hands beneath his chin, elbows resting gently on the able.
"I've been thinking about it for a while now. I mean, Onew hyung is going for his military service in a few months and then I won't be long after, right? So I figured I should do it soon, before I have to leave her." Her "Even if we can't marry before I have to leave, I can at least put the ring on her finger, you know?"
Her.
Minho stood and walked around the table to where Jonghyun was. They pulled each other into a strong hug. Jonghyun's face buried into Minho's chest for a moment and when they pulled away there was a suspicious watery gleam to his eyes. Kibum barely had a chance to scrutinize his friend's face before it disappeared again, this time into Jinki's shoulder.
Not to be left out, Taemin stood too and put his hand on Jonghyun's arm. He'd never been one for all the touchy feely stuff like Minho or Jinki, but it was at least his way of showing he cared, that he was happy for his older bandmate.
They were talking, all of them-something more about congratulations and lucky chap and can't believe you're getting hitched before me. Kibum sat there in his seat, thinking.
Her?
"Hey Kibum, ain't you happy for me?" Jonghyun yanked him from his musings, still smiling and positively glowing. He looked like he'd just won the lottery. Considering the news, he probably felt like it.
Kibum didn't say anything. The silence stretched out and it was awkward-no, not awkward, just...anticipatory. Everyone was waiting for what he'd say to his best friend, the guy he'd become closest to. They were probably all wondering why he hadn't been the first to congratulate Jonghyun. What are they thinking? ‘Why is Kibum so silent?’ Are they disappointed at my lack of reaction? He met Jinki's eyes first, then Taemin's, and finally Minhos, ignoring Jonghyun entirely. Minho sent him a Look. A Look that Kibum interpreted to mean I know.
Do they all know? Are they thinking it? Poor Kibum? "I-" What? I'm happy for you? Was he? "Congratulations Jjong," he muttered. And then he pushed his chair back and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I'm going to uhm...I'm going, I'll talk to you all tomorrow." He knew it wasn't what he was supposed to say. It wasn't even what he'd meant to say, but he was confused. Confused enough that he had no idea the right words to offer and so, in a fashion that was entirely unlike him, he said nothing at all.
He just left.
* * *
Six years ago Jonghyun had done the impossible. He’d done what every idol group’s manager tells his band not to do. Not only had Jonghyun begun an illicit affair with a famous actress-he’d gone and made the relationship public.
At the time, when their relationship had been in its fledgling state, Kibum had spent many a night awake and wondering how his friend could have been so selfish. He knew, hell they all knew, what the ramifications would be if he was discovered. So much had been at stake and Jonghyun had gambled the future of SHINee and their biggest support group. Why? How?
It had been a difficult time, not just for Jonghyun but for them all. The constant hate mail and rumors circulating had been enough to make even calm and collected Taemin crazy. Every night for almost two weeks following the official announcement had been spent consoling a distressed Jonghyun and trying to calm a frantic Jinki. It hadn’t taken long before Kibum felt like he was fraying at the edges.
It was funny in a way now, when Kibum looked back on that time. Where so much hate had been poured against Jonghyun and her, against Jinki for not being more responsible, against Minho and Taemin for not being more sensible, a large majority of the fanclubs had struck together to support him, Kim Kibum, as though he’d been a victim. Every silent stare and lingering gaze and accidental brush of skin had been scrutinized, underlined as Kibum’s depressive state over his best friend having been ‘stolen away from him.’
He scoffed now, thinking about it. And yet, as much as he had wanted to write off the crazy remarks and distance himself from the crushed condolences from his fans, he hadn’t been able to deny that he had felt the consequences of Jonghyun’s actions. He’d sucked them all into a pit of uncertainty and conflicting allegiances, so to speak. He’d stirred up the music industry and left the people around him to deal with it.
Kibum turned the volume of the TV up, trying to drown out his mind’s remembrances with the sounds of infomercials. He and Jonghyun had always been ones for histrionics. Where Kibum had a tendency to blow things out of proportion, Jonghyun had a tendency to underestimate the results of his spur of the moment decisions.
Maybe this was Kibum dramatizing the situation again. It had been stupid to walk out on dinner like that-he wasn’t 19 anymore.
With a sigh Kibum closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch. A headache was beginning to form at his temples. After the stunt he’d pulled at dinner, he knew he’d have to apologize to Jonghyun sooner than later but he really wasn’t eager to confront his friend about his behavior. He’d have to offer an explanation for one thing, and Kibum truthfully didn’t have one aside from, ‘You took me by total surprise.’
It seemed the decision was taken out of his hands however. Only a few minutes later, his cell phone buzzed in his pocket. Knowing who it was most likely to be, he didn’t bother to stall and instead pulled the phone out.
“Hi.”
“Are you okay?” Kibum licked his lips, considering. “Yeah I’m fine. Sorry for leaving like that.” There was silence and this time it was awkward. Even to Kibum’s own ears he could hear how insincere his apology sounded.
Jonghyun sighed over the line, a sentiment Kibum could share. “Look, are you sure you’re okay? Every time I ask you always say you are but then you just, you know, walk out on conversations and stuff. Or you never come out with us anymore. You do realize tonight was the first night I’ve seen you outside of SHINee schedules in almost a week? Considering our apartment buildings are right next to each other, that’s just sad.”
Wow, he couldn’t help but think to himself, Jjong actually went more than 5 words without saying her name. He snorted aloud and didn’t realize it until Jonghyun asked him again what was wrong.
“Nothing, nothing,” he assured. He licked his lips again, swallowing thickly before finally saying, “It’s kinda late Jjong. I was just about to sleep, do you think maybe we could talk about this tomorrow?” After I’ve had a chance to think about how I feel and sort myself out? he added mentally.
“Tomorrow? Wait, I really think we need to talk about this now!”
“Jjong-”
“No, hear me out for a second. I know I say this to you all the time, and I know I’ve been saying it for literally years now, but sometimes I just can’t wrap my head around how different you and I are now. Trying to maintain a closeness with you like what we had way back when has become nearly impossible. I just feel so bad, like it’s my fault. Is it? Is it something I’ve done?”
Kibum felt a laugh bubble up in his chest at that. It was so much like Jonghyun. Doing something and only afterward considering its impact on other people. Kibum wanted to tell him off, to tell him how selfish he thought Jonghyun had become, maybe had always been, but he didn’t. He curbed the urge to say what he really wanted to. “You haven’t done anything, don’t worry about it. I’m just tired lately, what with all the preparations for out last comeback.
“I am really happy for you Jjong. I know how much…she means to you. It’s about time you did something about it.” She. It was always her and she.
“I hope you know how much that means to me Key,” Jonghyun said. His voice sounded hoarse and for a second, Kibum contemplated the possibility he had actually cried after Kibum left. “Even if we’re not as close as before, I’ve always regarded you as one of my best friends.”
There was nothing Kibum could say to that. His fingers tightened around the phone. “Oh,” he finally said.
“Actually, there’s something I was wondering I could ask you.”
“Ask me?”
“Yeah…more like a favor,” he hedged. Kibum could just image him fidgeting across the line.
“I’d say ‘anything,’ but it really depends on what you need,” Kibum said.
“Uh well-You know how I said I was thinking about asking her to marry me? Well that’s all I’ve done really. I haven’t actually thought about how I’m going to propose. Actually, I haven’t even bought a ring yet.”
Kibum knew where this was going. There was no need for Jonghyun to say it, and before he had a chance to, Kibum quickly said, “Let me guess, you want me to help you pick out a ring?” He heard Jonghyun chuckle nervously, imagined him flicking his hair nervously to the side and scratching his neck sheepishly as he answered, “Yeah, that’s it. I would really appreciate it.”
“You can’t have Onew hyung help you?”
“Like I said-I still consider you my best friend. Sure I could ask hyung but I want you to help me. Please?”
Maybe it was the whispered please tacked so effortlessly on to the end of the plea. Maybe some part of Kibum was a masochist and he subconsciously loved putting himself in shitty situations or maybe Jonghyun still knew just what to say to have Kibum doing anything he wanted. Maybe maybe maybe.
“Yea okay. I’ll help you-God only knows all the ways you could mess this up.”
“Really? Thank you, oh geez thank you!” and Jonghyun thanked him again and again before bidding Kibum goodbye and hanging up.
Maybe he should have said no.
* * *
It took him three weeks to muster up the courage, or maybe idiocy, to finally approach the subject again. It was as though after dropping the next bombshell I want to ask her to marry me, Jonghyun became perfectly content to let that simmer at the top of everyone’s mind but not do anything about it. It was horrible-the huge elephant in the room, at least to Kibum.
They had two months left before their final come back; five months until Jinki would officially leave the group and enter the military; eight months before Jonghyun would join him. They’d decided last year that they after Jinki left first, they would be done. All of their contracts were ending soon and only Jonghyun was choosing to renew a contract with SM. There was no place for him away from the music industry and he was going to secure his position in SM.
It didn’t feel real yet, this goodbye. It felt like they’d done this for so long, there was nothing else. There was Before SHINee and During SHINee but After SHINee, that was an entirely different story.
Kibum didn’t like to think about it, that was for sure.
He knew the months would slip away quickly. Before any of them knew it they’d have their final goodbye stage and Jinki would leave, then Jonghyun. But Kibum had made a promise to his friend and no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel, Kibum wasn’t about to go back on it.
He approached Jonghyun after a night in the recording station. While the others shuffled with heavy feet and bleary eyes out of the studio, Kibum grabbed Jonghyun’s wrist and held him back. Jonghyun looked at him questioningly, giving Kibum a chance to take a deep breath before forging on.
“You haven’t said anything about it, but I was just wondering if you still wanted to pick out a ring sometime?”
Jonghyun’s eyes lit up, the tiredness washed away and replaced by an excited gleam. “Yeah! Thanks Kibum, I wasn’t sure how I should talk to you about it, but yeah, I do still need help with the ring.” Kibum nodded. “Are you free tomorrow? I have the afternoon off since my parts are done for this track.”
Jonghyun shook his head. “No I still have some time scheduled. But I’ll be free later at night, around 7 or so.”
“Alright well, if you’re up to it, I can pick you up from here around then and we’ll head out to some of the jewelry stores.”
“Thanks Key, I really appreciate this.” He clapped Kibum awkwardly on the shoulder. Without really meaning to, the younger singer flinched away, looking away quickly to avoid Jonghyun’s hurt look when he did so. “Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he mumbled, trying to step away from his friend.
Jonghyun grabbed his wrist, holding him back. “I really do appreciate this,” he said again. There was a look in his eyes Kibum hadn’t seen before, a mixture of questioning and…perhaps longing? regret? Kibum smiled, knowing it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know,” he said simply.
And he did know. He knew Jonghyun had no idea what was going through Kibum’s head-hell, half the time Kibum wasn’t even sure what was happening in his brain. It was just a whirlwind of emotions and what ifs and if onlys. Kibum didn’t like the odd feeling that bubbled in his chest whenever Jonghyun mentioned her but he’d been dealing with it for so many years now he’d gotten good at ignoring it, at the very least writing it off as unimportant.
It was amazing how quickly the months slip by, after all. Years were no different.
* * *
“So you have no idea what to get her, do you?” Kibum should have suspected as much from Jonghyun, when the older man had promptly informed him after they’d parked in the first jewelry shop’s parking lot that all he had was her ring size and nothing else.
“Uh, I know I have to get her a nice ring. Nothing flashy, but something that says I care. Right?” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Kibum switched the car off and shifted in his seat to look at his friend. “What’s your budget?”
“Budget?”
This time he did roll his eyes. “Yes Jjong, your budget. How much are you willing to spend on your soon to be fiancé?”
“I’m willing to spend any amount on her-nothing is too much for me!” He sounded decidedly pleased as he announced this.
“That’s very noble of you. Now, let’s be realistic. You’re not a well of money, so how much can you actually afford?”
“A couple million won, give or take some. Whatever little bit the company is willing to spare me,” Jonghyun said. Kibum nodded. Grabbing his wallet which he’d dropped into the cup holder between them, he told Jonghyun to get out of the car and together they made their way to the shop’s entrance.
They spent an hour looking at various diamond shapes and band settings, comparing prices and shine and quality. Jonghyun was conflicted between going all out with platinum or going classy with gold, but both made his eyes bulge when he caught sight of their price tags.
“Key, maybe we should try somewhere else,” Jonghyun whispered in his ear, leaning sideways against him as they both leaned forward to gaze at the sparkling rings in the glass case. Kibum felt a shiver race down his spine, told himself his cheek and neck certainly were not heating up from the way Jonghyun’s breath blew across his skin. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind.
“If you’re sure. There are some other stores we can try and besides, there’s no rush to get a ring picked out tonight.” He swallowed thickly before adding, “You want to have the perfect ring when you go to propose to h-when you go to propose.”
Jonghyun smiled. “Of course! And I know with you around I’ll definitely find the best ring.” He sounded so sure of himself, as though no other thought could even comprehend to him. His belief in Kibum’s infallibility had the young 25 year old squirming from barely suppressed guilt. If only you knew how I really feel, he couldn’t help but think darkly.
They left the store with mental notes on which rings Jonghyun had taken a particular liking to. They moved to the next store and only spent a half hour there before Jonghyun decided none of the rings were right.
“You sure? That little three stone oval shaped one was pretty,” he said as they left the store, calling a quiet goodbye to the saleswoman.
Jonghyun shook his head as he and Kibum reached the car. “No, it was too…bland.”
“Bland? That ‘bland’ ring would have cost you Onew, Minho, and Taemin’s pay from the past four years.”
“Yet another reason why it’s no good. There’s no way I could afford a ring that cost.”
Kibum shrugged, staying silent as he pulled the car out of the parking lot and back into the street. He glanced at the clock, noting that it was already past 9. “I don’t think there are any other stores that are going to be open at this time Jjong. You wanna try again tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m free all day tomorrow. I think it’s just Minho and Taemin who have some things left to finish up in the studio. Unless you have plans or something, we could get together in the morning, maybe catch some breakfast before hitting the stores again.”
“Breakfast sounds good,” he said. “But you’re buying.”
* * *
In hindsight Kibum realized he could have seen all of this coming. All those years ago, all the secretive texting and late night phone calls. Kibum had chalked them up to his friend calling home or calling other friends whom were too busy to talk during the day. After all, it had never been a secret that as far as idol group members went, Jonghyun had the freest schedule.
Maybe he should have done something about it then. Maybe if he’d had the guts to confront Jonghyun about it instead of sitting there, going on with his day ignoring all the signs, maybe all the fallouts and the arguments and the accusations could have been avoided. It was always maybe.
Or no, not maybe. It was always her. The way Jonghyun would drop everything to go to her when she needed him, never mind that Taemin needed to help Jonghyun with the dance routine or Minho needed help with harmonizing his voice better, or Jinki needed someone to help him unwind and talk to. Never mind that Kibum would stay up waiting for him, wanting to see if he was alright because he’d stayed out until 2 again. Never mind that as a group the other four members silently worried for Jonghyun. Never mind that none of them knew the truth.
It was that which had bothered Kibum. The implicit lies and half truths. The secrecy. It was the way Jonghyun seemed to have so little regard for them once he got himself a girl on his arm. Kibum understood-hell they all did once the news was finally broken. It was hard sharing a dorm with four other guys and even harder when you have a seemingly endless amount of time.
Yeah, Kibum understood that. But that didn’t mean he had to accept it. He managed-as did the other three.
Lately Kibum found himself thinking on those early days, as if there was something he had missed back then and if he thought long and hard enough now he could remember what he’d missed and possibly fix it. Fix what exactly? Kibum didn’t even know.
One month had passed and Kibum and Jonghyun had yet to give up their quest for the perfect ring. Kibum wasn’t sure if Jonghyun was being indecisive or just really too damn picky. Every ring was either too big or too plain or too expensive or too just not good enough. There was one month left before their comeback and then after that all bets were off. There was no way they’d find the time during promotions to go out every night like this.
This being Kibum driving Jonghyun out of the city as the older man beside him dozed in his seat. They’d exhausted all the viable options in their city and were forced now to head to the next town over. Kibum was not looking forward to a forty minute drive that would bear the same results as every other excursion.
He didn’t have much trouble finding the store but blinked his eyes several times to make sure he was seeing it right. He punched Jonghyun in the arm, instantly waking him up. Silently they exited the car.
“Are you sure this is the place?” Jonghyun sounded skeptical as he yawned and scrutinized the front door before finally pulling it open and holding it for his friend to go through first.
“Well, it’s what the directions and the sign say.”
“This is…really different,” Jonghyun said.
You can say that again. “Whatever, hopefully you’ll find something here.”
The shop was tiny, that was one of the first differences between this one and the others they’d looked in. While they’d stayed close to the large chain jewelers, this time Kibum had sought a small, family owned store. It wasn’t alit in bright colors and dazzling sparkles and there were no posters of their SNSD sunbaes modeling necklaces and bracelets. Instead it was dark and quaint, dim lighting supplied from a few overhanging lights that cast a surreal glow to the shelves of antiques and glass figurines. Toward the back was where Kibum pulled Jonghyun, as there was where he spotted cases of rings and necklaces.
“Can I help you find something?” The shopkeeper, an elderly woman with smiling eyes and playful lips emerged from a back door situated in the corner of the room.
“We’re here to look at engagement rings,” Kibum answered. The woman’s smile seemed to grow bigger. The lines on her face folded like kneaded dough as she grinned. “Congratulations to you two,” she said.
Jonghyun made a strange coughing sound, as though he’d swallowed something too quickly. “W-we-it’s not for us,” he spluttered. “I’m looking for a ring to propose to my girlfriend.”
That strange feeling was back in his chest. Kibum stepped away from Jonghyun’s side, trying to appear casual about it. He kept his gaze fixed on the row of sparkling rings in the case.
“I recognize you, you know.” His head snapped up at that. “You do?” he asked, unable to help himself.
The woman shrugged. “Of course I do. I may be old but I’m not blind and my memory hasn’t gone away entirely. I see your faces all the time. Onew and Kibum, right?”
Jonghyun made an indignant sound but Kibum, suppressing a laugh, answered, “I’m Kibum yes. That’s Jonghyun though.”
“So, you need an engagement ring? Do you know what you’re looking for?”
From there it was a matter of sorting through all the various rings. Despite the store’s appearance, the woman carried a great deal of high quality stones and metals. What was also nice was that many of the rings were original, created by the woman’s son. To Kibum some of the originals were more exquisite than the most expensive and flashy rings he and Jonghyun had seen in other, larger and well known, stores.
Jonghyun apparently agreed.
“This is it Key, I can feel it. It’s one of these rings.” Jonghyun pointed to two rings nestled in their velvet cases sitting on the table. Both were equally beautiful and both were within Jonghyun’s price range. They were, however, as different as could be. One had a thin gold band with a cushion shaped diamond in the center, graduated side diamonds adorning the edges. The other had a wide platinum band, a simple, lone marquise shaped diamond held in the center. It was simple but perhaps that’s why it caught Kibum’s attention.
Silently, he picked the case up and pulled the ring from his velvet home. He turned the ring around between his fingers, only looking up to meet Jonghyun’s eyes after a long moment of silence.
“Which one do you like more? Which do you think fits better?” he asked. Jonghyun looked at him strangely. There was a seriousness in his eyes that Kibum rarely saw there. It was the same look he’d given Kibum the night he finally told him about her, all those years ago.
They ignored the shopkeeper standing behind the table. Jonghyun’s eyes finally fell away from Kibum’s face and instead gently took the ring from him. “This looks like something you would like,” he murmured, more to himself than Kibum. The latter felt something strange swell in his chest, pushing it away until he could think about what it meant later, when he wasn’t in Jonghyun’s presence.
“I do like it,” he admitted.
“It’s…simple.”
“Simple isn’t always a bad thing.”
Jonghyun looked up again for a moment before picking up the second ring. He didn’t bother to take it out but held the two close to each other, admiring both the stones and the finish. Kibum found it endearing the way Jonghyun was biting his bottom lip hard in concentration but wisely said nothing.
“It’s your choice,” Kibum said again, as if it wasn’t already obvious that it was-that it had always been.
Secretly, Kibum thought the simpler ring was more precious, more stunning. But at the same time, he couldn’t picture her wearing it. He knew the gold ring was what would suit her better, what Jonghyun would be appreciated for proposing with. It was flashy and it glinted in an ostentatious way that would surely have the media in a frenzy. Kibum just knew Jonghyun would choose it.
“I-” He closed his mouth. Suddenly Jonghyun snapped the gold ring’s box closed with a sharp sound. He put it back on the glass top and replaced the other ring in its appropriate case, though left it open. “I’ll take this one,” he said with a smile, pointing at the open case.
* * *
They were down to two weeks before their come back.
Jonghyun was spending an inordinate amount of time at Kibum’s place, not that he was really complaining. Yeah Kibum still got that funny Chest Feeling whenever Jonghyun came over, whenever he talked about her, but lately it seemed to happen a lot when Jonghyun did little things, like grin at him with that irritatingly cocky half smile. The feeling was just a flutter, nothing more than a butterfly’s flap of wings, but he held onto it for as long as he could. Sometimes it felt like he'd done something wrong, other times-like when Jonghyun smiled at him-he felt like he’d done the best possible thing he could.
They spent every night for a week in Kibum’s apartment alone. Jonghyun, for safety’s sake, kept the ring at Kibum’s apartment. They hadn’t even told the other members yet that they’d bought it, or rather, that Jonghyun had. It was another secret to add to the list Jonghyun had concocted over the years, but at least this time, it was their secret.
Perhaps that made it worse.
Jonghyun liked to rifle through Kibum’s cereal cabinet, pulling out the little black velvet box. Kibum had lost count the number of times he’d walked into the kitchen and stared silently, unnoticed by Jonghyun as he would quickly grab the cabinet door open and grab the ring box. He didn’t even always open it, just stared at the box with that look in his eyes, the same one from the store, before putting it away back in its place next to Kibum’s Cheerios.
Kibum stood there now, in the doorway of his kitchen. Jonghyun was stroking the corner of the case, licking his bottom lip absentmindedly as he did so. Not wanting to startle him, Kibum softly cleared his throat.
Jonghyun’s head snapped up at the sound. He looked guilty for a second before closing his fingers tightly around the ring case and giving Kibum a smile. “Hey, you done?” Kibum quirked a brow at that. “Obviously I’m done, since I’m not in the shower anymore,” he said.
He went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer, opening it quickly and taking a seat at the table. Jonghyun remained where he stood, leaning his hip against the counter and still scrutinizing the ring box.
“Key?”
“Hm?”
“I just want to tell you that everything you’ve done these past few weeks, you know, helping me with the ring and all…I’m really grateful for it.” Jonghyun didn’t look away from his hands, obviously embarrassed for becoming so sentimental. Kibum wisely chose to not make a big deal out of it, saving the older man from further feelings of embarrassment. “Don’t mention it,” he said. “What’re best friends for if they won’t even come with you to help you plan your engagement?” He took a long, deep swallow of his drink after saying it, unsure whether it was the burn of his words or the burn of the alcohol that stung more.
Jonghyun nodded in understanding. “Can I…Can I be a total ass and ask you for another favor?”
“Depends.”
“I know we’ve been rehearsing and planning and whatnot how I’m going to go about proposing but uhm, do you think maybe I could practice on you? Just once? Just so I know I have it for tomorrow night?”
Tomorrow, right. Friday. The Friday. The Proposal Friday.
Kibum swallowed thickly, feeling like he’d swallowed a bug along the way. “Sure,” he said, feigning nonchalance. Jonghyun’s ensuing relieved and excited smile was almost worth the returned Chest Feeling.
He pushed away from the counter and pocketed the ring case in his back pocket. Wiping his hands down the front of his pants, Jonghyun looked the perfect picture of anxious-no doubt exactly how he’d be feeling tomorrow night.
“Okay well, you just sit there and I’ll-yeah…” Kibum shot him a pointed look, fighting the urge to laugh at his friend looking so flustered. “Uh right, so here I go.” Without asking for permission, Jonghyun plucked the beer from Kibum’s hand and pushed it down the table, away from where he could get it. He ignored the look of annoyance Kibum gave him at that.
“Baby, uhm, I have something I want to say to you tonight, but before I do, I want you to know-I love you.” Kibum swallowed, wishing he was a little more drunk before he had to sit there and hear this. “I know the years have been rough, on both of us. We got together when we were still so young, when our careers had only just begun what they would eventually make it up to. People told us how stupid we were to pursue a relationship and there were times we almost agreed, but we didn’t.”
Jonghyun stepped closed to Kibum’s chair, forcing Kibum to spin and sit sideways in his seat and look up to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. “No one ever once said being with you would be easy, and I can’t imagine people said anything different to you. We had to depend on each other when we had no one else. We couldn’t tell anyone about ourselves and I’m sorry that all those years ago we were forced to hide what we felt for each other.” Oh God. “I know I’ve said this to you countless times but I have to say it again-I love you. And I have always loved you, ever since the beginning. I can’t imagine life without you, beside me and supporting me.”
The Chest Feeling was still there but it was worse than it had ever felt before. Kibum stared into Jonghyun’s eyes as he spoke, unable to look away. He sat frozen listening to his friend speak words directly from his heart, words he probably should never be allowed to hear because they were sacred and intimate and represented something that Kibum had no right trying to understand. Jonghyun sounded so sincere, so intense and passionate about his feelings. The more he said, the easier it was for Kibum to fall into a delusion where Jonghyun was saying these things to him and not her.
Jonghyun suddenly bent down onto his knee, taking Kibum’s hand into both his sweaty ones, finally giving Kibum a chance to not crane his neck to see him.“I have to thank you for always being there for me. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m reckless and impulsive and I say stupid things and don’t always know the right thing to say. But when I say things like I care about you and that I love you, I mean it. You’re the world to me baby. You’re everything to me-my friend, my best friend, my lov-”
“What did you say?” Was that his voice? Was that Kim Kibum’s voice sounding so strangled and shocked?
Jonghyun was completely thrown off from his speech. He blinked twice and the fog that had covered his eyes lifted away as he pulled himself back from his words. “What?”
“What did you just say?” Kibum asked, using the same voice.
“I-I-”
“Your best friend? Best friend?”
“Key-”
Kibum abruptly stood, yanking his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip as he did so. “Get out Jonghyun.”
“What?”
“I said leave.” He pushed the chair back and stepped backward once before spinning on his heel to hurry away.
“Key, wait I-”
“Did you not hear me?! I said get out!” he all but shouted. The Chest Feeling was threatening to erupt into something horrible, something monstrous. Kibum felt like something was waiting to pour out of his mouth, something like words he knew shouldn’t ever be said. The only thing he needed right then was Jonghyun to leave so he could give himself some time to think and sort himself out and not feel this thing wage war within him and just-
Shit.
Jonghyun didn’t understand, he never seemed to understand. Rather than leave Kibum alone, the older man grabbed Key’s wrist and pulled him back, spinning him around to face him. “Kibum, what the hell is wrong?!” He bit the inside of his cheek, sucking his lips tightly into his mouth, refusing to speak. “Key?
“I just need you to leave,” he finally ground out.
“Not good enough! You’re always doing this-You have to leave Jjong or I have to go guys I don’t feel well. What the hell is going on? You’ve been pulling this avoidance crap for years and I’ve always tried to be understanding about it, like maybe you are just tired or something. But you never talk to me anymore! It’s like…it’s like I don’t even know you. I never said how I felt but it’s been like this for years and I’m so tired of it! Can’t you give me an explanation? Is it me? Are you tired of me? Or is it SHINee? Do you-”
Kibum had always known Jonghyun could be a little dense about things but this, this took the cake. He claimed to have felt the ever growing distance between himself and Kibum for years but it was only now that he spoke up about it?
“Stop,” Kibum interrupted. “Jjong, please just leave. I’ll explain later alright, I just need some time alone.” He tried to pull his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip but Jonghyun held strong.
“No, not this time. I’m not leaving until you explain yourself. I’ll stay the whole night if I have to.” Why you asshole? Why do you have to choose now to grow a spine and say something?! I spent years wondering why you hadn’t trusted me and now you suddenly-
It was those thoughts that had Kibum suddenly feeling angry, angrier than he could remember feeling in a long time. This time when he tried, he was successful in yanking his arm free. Eyes narrowing, he took a step back and inhaled sharply.
“Why is it you have to choose now of all times to actually care, Jjong?” he asked, voicing his earlier thought.
“What?”
“You never cared before. You never cared before how I felt or how everything you did was affecting the rest of us. Why the hell do you have to act like you do now?”
“How can you say that? I’ve always cared about you and the others!”
“Cared enough that you made all those damn decisions on your own? You’re so damn selfish, you’ve always been! All you ever think about is yourself-I have a girlfriend, I’m going to go public with her, I’m going to propose to her! Did you ever once think how it would affect us? How Taemin would need you around to help him with his vocals? How Onew would stay up to wait for you, always worried that that time would be when you both would be caught? Did you ever even care that Minho might feel lonely going to the gym alone or learning dance routines alone because you weren’t there with him?
“Did you ever fucking care?” he screamed the final words.
Jonghyun looked like a deer caught in headlights. He no doubt felt like one. Kibum didn’t feel a shred of remorse for what he’d said, because it was nothing but the truth.
The silence was deafening as it stretched out before them. The distance between himself and Jonghyun seemed to be growing, like a deepening chasm that neither had any hope to fill or repair. Kibum tasted the salt of a tear die at the corner of his mouth but did nothing to rub his eyes clear of the moisture.
Finally, Jonghyun spoke. “I love her.”
Her.
“I know you do.”
“Key, I-I love her,” he choked. Kibum didn’t say anything. Jonghyun apparently took that as his cue to say his piece. “I have nothing without her,” You have me dammit! Me! “How can you-how can you say I’m selfish? I’ve done everything for the group, I’ve done everything I could to keep all of us as happy as I could. I love her, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”
“You loving her hurts us,” Kibum whispered. It hurts me, he wanted to say. “None of us have ever doubted whether you loved her or not. We all accepted a long time ago that if it came to a choice between us and her, you’d choose Se-her.” There was an unmistakable underlying tone of resentment in his voice; Kibum did nothing to hide it.
Jonghyun shook his head, smiling at Kibum bitterly. “You won’t even say her name. How did I never notice?” The younger man remained silent, swallowing around the lump growing in his throat. The Chest Feeling was getting strong again. “I guess it’s lucky then.”
“What is?”
Jonghyun chuckled humorlessly. “I guess it’s lucky then that I won’t have to choose. We’ve got our comeback in two weeks, promotions for a few months, and not long after that I’m leaving for the service. Pretty simple. No choices involved.”
“I-”
“Well no, I lied.” Kibum clamped his mouth shut, curbing the urge to say what he’d wanted to. “The only decision comes tomorrow, when Se Kyung chooses whether to marry me or not. Don’t worry Key, you’ll be the first to know what she says.” In the eight years they’d known each other, Kibum couldn’t think of any crueler words Jonghyun had ever said to him.
Jonghyun didn’t wait for Kibum to reply. Shaking his head, he hurried away, leaving the kitchen. It was a moment after that Kibum heard his door slam shut. It didn’t escape his notice that the ring case Jonghyun had pocketed was still in his pocket when he left.
* * *
The two weeks had been tense, so tense that their manager had even noticed, telling them to suck up whatever petty problems they were having amongst themselves and not fuck up your comeback stage.
They’d been rehearsing for so many months now, wanting to make this their best performance to date. They were the sunbaes now, the oldest group. All the rookie idols were looking on at them in awe as they stood backstage, waiting impatiently for their turn.
The Chest Feeling which had been bothering Kibum relentlessly for the past two weeks was lost in the feeling of butterflies and nervousness he currently felt. He saw Minho and Taemin standing close together, the former’s arm around the latter’s waist. Jinki joined them soon enough by slinging an arm around Minho’s shoulders. Kibum found himself smiling. He was happy that despite the relationship between himself and Jonghyun that had deteriorated over the years, Jinki, Minho, and Taemin’s had grown until they were as close as real brothers. Sometimes Kibum found himself envious of their relationship until he realized he’d had that at one time. At least I’ve had it even once in my life, he always thought to himself to push the nostalgia away. He was lucky that he’d found a friend like Jonghyun, even if their friendship had blown to bits after only a few short years.
Only two more groups stood between his group’s comeback. The anxiety and anticipation suddenly felt tenfold, realizing how close they were. Kibum tore his eyes away from the stage and looked around at the other groups waiting around him. His eyes finally fell on Jonghyun, who stood a little ways off from the other three and himself. Kibum watched Jonghyun as he smiled down at his phone, fingers moving rapidly on the keys. He knew exactly who Jonghyun was talking to.
Seemingly finished on his phone, Jonghyun handed it to their manager and finally walked over to the rest of his band. He stopped next to Kibum and they stood for several seconds in silence beside each other, neither speaking. A peek through the curtain showed the fans all holding SHINee banners and lightsticks. It made Kibum feel good, the support.
“Guess this is it,” Jonghyun commented, voice flat as though he’d just commented on the weather.
“Yeah. This is it.” Jonghyun cleared his throat and after a moment said, “She’s watching, you know.”
Kibum refused to tear his eyes away from the stage. “She should be, she is your fiancé after all.”
“Yeah.”
The group finished and now only one group was left before them. Kibum’s fingers tingled, skin feeling too tight as he waited. When finally the group bowed and hurried off stage, the MCs beginning the introduction for Kibum and the other four, Jonghyun suddenly took his hand in his.
Surprised, Kibum’s head turned to look at him questioningly. “This is really it,” Jonghyun said, face serious. “This is goodbye.”
Kibum nodded. His older bandmate released his hand and followed Jinki, Minho, and Taemin onto the stage but Kibum remained standing there, frozen. This is goodbye.
Suddenly all the noise died away. There was nothing, nothing but Kibum and his four band members urging him to join them. There was Taemin looking confused and waving his hand and pointing his finger at Kibum’s spot. This is goodbye. There was Minho with his eyes narrowed, walking sideways to take his position behind Jinki. This is goodbye. There was Jonghyun with his fists clenched as he waited for Kibum to come onto the stage.
The Chest Feeling was back again. It felt almost crippling, like someone had punched him in the chest. And just like that he understood. Just like that he understood what it meant, what he was supposed to do.
To Kibum she had only ever been her; she; "the girl". To Jonghyun she’d been his best friend. To the world she’d been a scandal; the scandal; SHINee’s Scandal. As Kibum stared at Jinki walking back towards him, he couldn’t help but remember all the times Jonghyun’s selfishness had made the other four suffer, through the threats and the hate and the rumors. Maybe if Kibum had said something back then before, he could have stopped it all. Maybe he could have prevented his relationship with Jonghyun from going down the toilet. Maybe if he just been selfish once, he wouldn't be standing here at the edge of the stage battling the Chest Feeling. Maybe. Maybe it was time for Kibum to start a scandal of his own; Kibum’s Scandal.
This is Goodbye. In a fashion that was perhaps more like him than he’d ever thought, Kibum turned around and left.
Poll Round 13: Heartbreak Starts with an S, and Ends with G for Goodbye