Round 6: it's a start

[olymficsmod]

Title: it's a start
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: PG
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Sehun-centric, implied Sehun/Luhan, implied Kris/Tao
Warnings: Mentions of former members Lu Han and Wu Yi Fan
Summary: They started at two different ends, walked forward and met at one center stage. While one decided to stay, the other decided it was time to let go and walk away.
Author's Note: Special thanks to Agent A and Lone Devil 1 (is it fine if I use your codenames? Haha.). Thank you for helping me with this fic!
Prompt Used: 12:30 by Beast and both of the supplementary prompts



The silence is deafening.

The fireworks have long ceased, the hype of welcoming the new year gone. The clock at the nightstand, with its constant ticks and tocks, reads half-past three in blaring red lights.

Sehun, much to his surprise, is given his own hotel room for their brief stay here in China. Usually, Tao or Jongin, sometimes even Junmyeon would be rooming with him but now he’s alone and yet, he’s thankful for the solitude this gives him.

It gives him time to think.

2014 has just ended with them saying goodbye to the year on stage, a sea of fans cheering them on as they perform for the last time during the year. He’s somewhat happy, a smile unknowingly playing around on his face, that the god-awful year has ended. On a good note at that.

Then, a familiar face-two familiar faces flash through his mind and the smile that was once there dissipates, replaced with a melancholy frown.

Kris and Luhan.

Sehun sits up from the bed, staring lifelessly out the window and into the night sky. The sky is nothing but a haze, smoke from the earlier explosions haven’t cleared up yet and the stars are barely visible. Just like my mind, Sehun thinks as an afterthought. And he laughs, a hollow chuckle that even he can’t help but wince at the sound. Months have passed ever since the incident-incidents and he still finds it hard to accept reality.

Sehun doesn’t understand how his members could act as if nothing was amiss, as if Luhan and Kris didn’t leave, as if everything is okay when it is far from that. To Sehun, at least. Everything went spiraling down for him ever since news broke out that Kris filed a lawsuit against SM without informing them beforehand.

He remembers Chanyeol crying backstage, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo too stunned to even react, Jongin walking out and Junmyeon standing alone on a stage he should’ve shared with them because someone needed to face the crowd. Someone needed to be strong for them. He remembers how he shed silent tears the moment he was alone after returning back to the dorm, not answering Yixing and Junmyeon’s calls for him to Please come out Sehun. We’re all surprised over this, please. Sehun-ah talk to us. . .

Sehun remembers how he tried so fucking hard to reach Wufan, calling him incessantly on Line and Kakao, sending endless messages all asking why he was leaving, if Sehun or the other members did something wrong. Did the company do something? Did someone in China convince him to leave? Why, hyung? Why?

Sehun was pained. There were more or less 8 days before their first ever solo concert and this had to happen. He skipped dinner that night, preferring to lay in bed instead, drowning in his own thoughts of why, how and when.

The clock struck twelve midnight, and Sehun's made sure that everyone is asleep, no noise coming from the other side of the door before he stepped out of his room and into the dark, barren hallway. He just wanted a glass of water then he’ll return to his room, he didn’t prepare himself for what to do if he encountered someone from the group. So when he spotted Luhan sitting solemnly on the couch after entering the living space that connects to the kitchen, he was at loss.

He hoped Luhan hadn’t seen him in his daze but the elder did, smiling brokenly at Sehun before beckoning him over.

They sat in silence for a while, the presence of each other somehow comforting in the dark, eery silence.

It was Luhan who spoke first. “Are you okay?” His voice seemed distant, yet warm at the same time. His concern was genuine and that was enough for Sehun to speak up. “Yeah,” he said, voice hoarse from being unused for hours on end.

“Well,” Luhan hesitated for a bit, and Sehun thought Luhan’s eyebrows were scrunching in deep thought but he can only see so much under the dim lamplight that accompanied them so he can’t be too sure. “I have news, if you’re interested. It’s about Kris.”

Sehun flinched at the mention of the name. He wondered what Luhan knew, if maybe Kris contacted him. Though that seems unlikely seeing as Kris didn’t-hasn’t replied to any of his messages. But when Luhan handed him his phone, the Line app opened and a chat box with the name he tried to contact earlier on, he’s dumbfounded.

Now, Sehun isn’t really fluent in Mandarin, but he knows enough to get by. And the three Chinese characters that blinked back at him from the screen doesn’t satisfy him.

I’m so sorry.

For what? Sehun isn’t entirely sure.

He handed the phone back to Luhan, the other male stayed silent, giving him enough time to think his words through. But despite the long stretch of stillness that enveloped them, Sehun still doesn’t manage to form words that were enough to convey the thoughts of the raging whirlwind that was his current state of mind.

He’s quiet, face stoic and body unmoving. For a moment, the rustling by his side made him think that Luhan already left but the elder surprised him by winding his arms around Sehun’s broad shoulders. Luhan surprised him even more when small, quiet sobs came out of his mouth. Sehun faced Luhan then, hugging him back and resting the smaller’s head on his shoulder so Luhan could have something to cry on.

Tears started to wet his clothes, slowly seeping through the fabric just like vines climbing up the side of a white-washed house. They seem harmless at first, beautiful even, giving color to a once lifeless home. But if you look closer, come a little bit nearer-stretch out your hands and touch-you’ll realize that the vines are covered in tiny thorns, pricking your fingers and drawing out blood. Just like how tears seem to twinkle under the light, how it makes everything more dramatic, how beautiful it makes everything seem but then just one drop can make your whole body burn, make you scream, even at someone else’s pain. Because that’s how tears work.

And that’s how Sehun felt in the presence of Luhan who’s crying his heart out without saying a word.

When the tears started to cease and the muffles started to stop, Sehun decided it was the right time to talk.

“Hey. . .” he said quietly, trying to conjure up words to say. “Hyung. . . look at me.” Luhan lifted his head up then, wiping away the small remnants of tears. His eyes were still watery, as if he’ll start crying again any time soon.

“Thank you.”

“Huh?” Sehun asked, confused. “For what?”

“For coming out of your room. For being here. You and I share the same agony over this. The others wouldn’t have comforted me as much.”

“Tao’s probably just as-”

“It’s different with him. Tao shared something more with Kris. I feel as though I lost a brother. Tao probably feels something deeper than that, and I can’t possibly relate with what he feels.”

Sehun doesn’t really understand but he nodded anyway, patting the older’s back and hugging him again. He’s not good with words but he hoped his actions were enough to convey what he feels. Luhan just grabbed the sides of Sehun’s shirt, his knuckles turning white at how tight he held on. It was as if Sehun would go away anytime soon.

Ironic.

Sehun rocked them back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and Luhan hummed a small tune under his breath. It's perfect like this, Sehun thought. How they can comfort each other in ways the others can’t. “Hyung,” he muttered a while later. Luhan hummed in reply.

“Promise me you won’t leave.”

Luhan's answer came in a heartbeat, so sure of his reply that Sehun left no room for doubt. “I won’t. I promise. We’ll be together until the end, right?”

Sehun laughed, genuinely. “Right.”

The clock now reads ten minutes passed four. Huh. Sehun doesn’t even realize how almost an hour has passed, the thoughts that consume his mind too distracting for him to notice what’s really happening around him. He should probably sleep, they’re going to fly back to South Korea first thing tomorrow-or later, he should say-and he can already imagine their manager screaming at him for staying up too late again.

For a while, Sehun’s just blank. Then he feels his eyelids slowly get heavier and he lies down on the bed, deciding to call it a night with a sigh.

He dreams of a boy walking in the light.

*

They’re in London.

Somehow, the sky is different. It seems brighter, the color a light blue. Korea’s skies never seems as nice.

“You okay there?”

“Huh?” Jongin’s looking at him, concerned.

“I said, are you okay? You look gloomy. Did the fans earlier tire you?”

Sehun takes his eyes off the window of the van for while to look at Jongin. Smiling, he says, “A little. I didn’t expect them to be this. . . wild.”

“I know! The last time we were here they were, I don’t know, calm.”

Junmyeon chimes up from the passenger’s seat. “We weren’t as famous as we are right now. They hardly knew us.”

“I could say the same when EXO-M were in L.A. for KCON. No one really bothered us when we went out but it was quite different when we were on stage. They even sang Baby Don’t Cry with us. Ironically, Luhan-”

Minseok pauses, eyeing Sehun carefully. Sehun thinks, for some reason, that Minseok knows that mentioning Luhan’s name will spark something inside the youngest. Even though Sehun’s been acting all jolly and fine during the past few months, someone would eventually notice that it was half-assed and almost fake. Maybe Minseok knows Sehun is still carrying a heavy burden in his heart. “-and Jongdae almost cried.” He finishes, looking at Sehun in the eye. And Sehun knows exactly what Minseok wants to say.

We need to talk.

The others go out to eat after unpacking what little belongings they brought for their brief stay here in London. Jongin and Junmyeon only go after confirming that Sehun and Minseok are to follow after them.

“I’m sorry.”

Sehun smiles, stretching out on the huge bed he’d be sharing with Minseok later on. “It’s okay. No harm done.”

“You miss him, don’t you? Them. You miss them.”

“Is it that obvious? I thought I was hiding it well.”

Minseok sighs, sitting himself down by Sehun’s side. “Talk.”

“About?”

“I don’t know,” Minseok shrugs. “Just let it all out, I guess.”

It takes some time before Minseok finally manages to convince Sehun to talk. It involved poking Sehun’s sides and pinching his nose repeatedly before he finally slaps Minseok’s hands away, glaring up at his hyung from his position on the bed.

“There’s really nothing to say. But that night in China one? two days ago had me thinking.”

“About?”

“Everything? Nothing good happened last year.” It’s funny how Sehun pouts while he talks. No wonder Minseok has a soft spot for Sehun no matter how bratty the latter is. He’s cute. Even in these kinds of situations.

“What do you mean?” Minseok retorts, “Our first concert was a success.”

And that was the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. Despite the issues running rampant around them and the tiring nights brought forth by the issue at hand-revising the choreography, fixing the setlist and simply putting on a brave front-it was all strenuous work.

But in the end, everything was worth it.

Standing on stage, performing-singing, rapping, dancing, doing what they do best, walking in the light. It was all worth it. Not to mention the deafening screams of their fans, the beautiful sea they managed to make and their never-ending support despite the incident that happened just a week ago.

It made Sehun forget.

Even for a little while.

They went back home to the dorms that night with elated hearts. Even Luhan, who was like a walking zombie the past week was bouncing on the soles of his feet, happy that their first ever solo concert was a huge success.

“Everyone?” Junmyeon shouted across the living room, trying to catch everyone’s attention. “I have something to say.”

It took a few more minutes before everyone stopped talking, focusing solely on their leader. Their only leader. “Alright, guys. I know we’ve been through a lot in just a span of a week.”

“We lost someone. We lost a leader, a friend, a companion, a brother and what’s worse is that we don’t know why. We were all shocked when the news broke out, some of us cried and some of us tried to stay strong for the others. It was heartbreaking, yes?”

All of them nodded slowly.

“But despite all that, we managed to stand on that stage just a few hours ago. We managed to perform, to dance and sing our hearts out and that, for me, is enough. After everything that happened, we managed to be strong for our fans, and more importantly, for ourselves and each other.”

“And all I really want to say is thank you. For staying strong and for everything. I couldn’t have asked for better bandmates.”

They all chuckle lowly. Chanyeol even shouted, “You’re so cheesy, hyung!”

“Oh, and one last thing.” Junmyeon asks them to huddle together and once everyone was near enough, he places his hand in the middle of them all. “Promise me no one leaves. No one. It doesn’t matter that we lost one, all that counts is how we stay together as eleven now. Please. Please promise me no one leaves and no one gets left behind. We are one, remember?”

One by one, they put their hands on top of Junmyeon’s. Their leader looked at them in the eye and smiled, “EXO?”

“LET’S LOVE!”

“Hey, Jongin just texted.”

“Huh?”

Smiling, Minseok taps Sehun’s nose forcefully. Sehun grimaces, batting his hand away. “Too caught up in storytelling, aye? He’s asking why we’re taking so long.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Get up,” Taking Sehun’s hands in his, Minseok pulls the younger up, ruffling his hair right after. “Let’s continue talking later, or whatever. I’m starving.”

When Minseok skips out of the room, teasing Sehun that the last one out is a sore loser. Sehun smiles. Genuinely. For the first time in a very long time.

Sehun doesn’t find it hard to sleep that night.

He doesn't think about anything regarding the previous year. None of that seems to matter as of the moment. All that is on his mind is how they managed to spend their day earlier.

After filling their stomachs to their heart’s content, they roamed the streets of London freely. He was thankful that the fans kept a fair distance away and approached them just to welcome them to the city and to say hi or hello. It was a nice change from earlier when they were greeted by a mob at the airport.

All in all, the day was well spent.

And although he did sleep peacefully that night, the boy in the light visited his dreams again.

But this time the boy wasn’t just walking in the light, he was dancing, moves precise and controlled.

Sehun wonders if that boy is the one Sehun misses the most.

*

They return to Seoul six days later. Sehun’s hair is now a reddish-brown, as compared to his previous dark-brown locks. Everyone’s hair is dyed to a lighter shade and they all look good, if he’s being honest. Except Jongin with his god-awful highlights. Sehun laughs quietly, thinking how Jongin’s new hair color makes him look older.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

Sehun jumps slightly from where he’s stationed near the kitchen counter, holding a glass of water. “Jesus Christ, Jongin. Don’t do that again.”

“I can’t help it. You were so lost in your thoughts, laughing all by yourself. Have you gone crazy?”

“No,” Sehun scowls. “I was just thinking about how your hair looks hideous.”

Pouting, Jongin pats his newly highlighted hair. He thinks it looks good. “Mean ass.”

This time, Sehun actually laughs that he almost spills the water he’s holding. “Really, Jongin?”

“I heard someone in London say it. Thought it was cool.”

Sehun rolls his eyes. Jongin’s so “Lame. You’re the God of Lame. You’re worse than Hephaestus.”

“I wasn’t the one who helped Minseok design his ‘baby’ at Build-a-Bear.”

“Oh shut up. You’re just jealous that he chose me over you to help him.”

Jongin just glares at him and that’s enough for Sehun to conclude that he is right. “Where are the hyungs anyway?”

“The manager’s out. I don’t know where. Junmyeon’s filming for Music Bank and I think Minseok mentioned something about going to the gym.” Jongin says, walking over to the counter to get himself a glass of water.

“But, really,” Jongin continues. “What were you thinking about?”

Sehun nudges his side, “I told you, it’s about your hair.”

“Is it just that?”

Sehun looks at Jongin for a moment, checking to see if the latter was serious or not. The concerned glint in his eyes says enough and Sehun’s heart warms. A little. “It’s nothing. Just. Stuff.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Jongin-”

“I’ve been friends with you for years. You’re like, my second bro. And I know you better than that. What’s in that pretty little head of yours isn’t just ‘nothing’.”

“Second? Next to Taemin? And you think I’m pretty, Jongin?” Sehun flutters his lashes obnoxiously.

Somehow, Jongin’s palm manages to find his forehead. “Out of everything I said that’s all you caught?”

“Of course not but. Jongin, really, it’s nothing.”

Sighing, Jongin relents but adds, “I still don’t believe you. I’m going to squeeze it out of you, one way or another.”

He leaves after finishing his glass of water, leaving Sehun standing alone with his thoughts.

“Hey, hey! Yixing and Jongdae are on!”

Sehun sticks his head out from his room, only seeing the light the television emits all the way from the living room. “The hyungs aren’t back yet?” He shouts down the hall.

“Nope! Hurry up! Jongdae looks funny!” the tanned male shouts back. Sehun shakes his head before walking to the living room and plopping onto Jongin’s lap.

Jongin groans, “You may be a twig but you’re heavy as hell. Get off.”

Sehun doesn’t. He waits for Jongdae and Yixing to get off-screen before he moves to lay down on the couch, his head the only thing resting on Jongin’s lap. “You’re such a baby sometimes.”

“Am not!” Sehun huffs and Jongin rolls his eyes. “You know, doing that just makes you an even bigger baby.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

The reporter on the television says something Sehun vaguely understands. It’s about the stars attending the event, or something like that. “You think we’ll win something today?”

“I hope.”

“More enthusiasm please?”

Sehun stares up at Jongin’s face, his lips doing that weird upside down U it always does. “Yay.” he says, voice void of any kind of emotion known to man.

“Wow Sehun, your enthusiasm can make the whole world smile.”

Sehun just laughs before he focuses once more on the television before them.

The Chinese text used to be so vague to him but now everything seems so familiar just because he went out of his way to learn a language just so he can communicate better with their fans. But even though he tries to fool himself with that thought, Sehun knows they weren’t the main reason.

He doesn't even notice that Jongin’s staring at him weirdly. His voice startles Sehun, “You’re spacing out again.”

“Huh?”

“See?” Jongin flicks Sehun’s forehead and Sehun winces, scrunching his nose. “Come on, Sehun. Spill it out.”

“I don’t know.” Sehun’s cheeks puff out without his knowing. “I feel weird. The show makes me feel weird. Why are we even watching this?”

“To support the hyungs, duh.” Jongin’s eyes shift back to the television and his brows scrunch up in the middle. “Weird? How?”

“When was the last time we guested at a show in China?” Sehun needs to ask that for a reason even he doesn’t know.

“Only Yixing-hyung guested in that silly survival show and then the other one with Minseok-hyung, I don’t know. Happy Camp, maybe?”

The moment those two words slip out from his lips, Sehun kind of loses it. Jongin continues talking but Sehun’s mind is elsewhere. His mind is back to that day they filmed Happy Camp. It was almost a month after that happened when they headed to Happy Camp’s studio to film for the show. They were called to guest there for the third time in three consecutive years the only difference is that last year, they filmed with one less member.

Not much of a Happy Camp.

Sehun honestly thought they were just going to play mindless games again and just enjoy their guesting there. He thought they were there to forget.

He had never been so wrong.

One by one, they were invited inside a dark room and Sehun thought they were going to ask who was the stupidest or the most handsome out of all of them but when he saw no pen and paper, even a small drop box and just an innocent little chair in front of a solemn looking camera crew, he knew what he was in for.

They let him get comfortable on the chair before the director motioned the cameraman to start filming. The bright red light of the camera distracted Sehun for a bit but when the director smiled at Sehun sadly, he felt himself tense up.

“I guess you have an idea on why you’re here?” The only words he managed to understand were ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘here’. Thankfully, the translator saved Sehun from further wondering.

He nodded slowly.

“I think we all know about what happened a month ago. But we’re not going to jump straight to that. Sehun, what do the other members mean to you? Brothers, maybe?”

“The hyungs. . .” he paused for a bit. What do the hyungs mean to Sehun? One can say they’re his everything. They’re rowdy and sometimes their personalities don’t match but they’re still his hyungs. Besides from Sehun’s family and their fans, they’re all he really has. “They are the brothers I need.”

Short but with a lot of meaning.

The director grinned at him, satisfied with his answer before asking the next question. “Your best moment?”

What was his best moment as an EXO member? The day they announced his name alongside Jongin’s and ten others, as a member of EXO, the day they released his first teaser, the day he walked on that stage to face everyone for the first time with the hyungs by his side, the day he decided to walk and stay in the light. Those are only a few of them but all that work, all that sacrifice can be summarized into one thing.

“Ah! When we won Album of the Year last year.”

“Why so?”

“I felt as if all the sacrifice and hard work we put into producing that album, into mending ourselves to what we are was all worth it. I never thought we would win, we were competing against the best so it was quite unreal when they called our group.”

The translator whispered what Sehun said to the director and the director nodded before looking down at the paper he’s holding. “With your brothers by your side, the road to success never seemed to be lonely. Can you give us a better insight on that?”

“Because EXO has-” Sehun steeled himself. He almost said twelve. But that can’t be. He left. “Eleven members, we celebrate eleven birthdays a year, we don’t leave anyone out. It’s fun hosting these small parties. It’s one thing everyone does, one thing that reminds us that we can still have the fun normal people do.”

The director looked at him in concern. He didn’t miss Sehun’s slip up, he knew Sehun hesitated earlier.

“Now, regarding the beginning of EXO as 11, how do you feel about that?”

Looking down at his hands, Sehun realized, they’re shaking.

“I-” He faltered. “We-” Inhale. “We were all upset and-” He forced out a chuckle. It was nothing but an empty sound coming from the back of his throat. “I don’t know how to put this into words.”

Nodding, the director looked down at the paper he’s holding again. “You said EXO were brothers, why do you think he let go?”

“I. . . I seriously don’t know. I feel like a child watching his parents getting a divorce, I don’t know anything and I can’t stop it from happening. We’re brothers, yes, but-” His voice broke pathetically. The director handed him tissues and he didn’t even realize that he was crying until now.

“Tao, he went in here earlier. He said that despite everything he’s still thankful. He’s thankful that you all decided to stay.” The translator spoke just mere second after the director did, helping Sehun understand that the director is comforting him under the pretense of an interview.

“And Luhan, he said that as long as you guys persevere you can pass through anything.”

“Your leader, Suho, he said that as long as there was one fan who was cheering you on, you’ll continue as the EXO we all learned to know and love.”

“Sehun, besides Tao, you’re the only person I told about what the others said. You look broken despite that strong front you put up. We hope, after this, after Happy Camp, you’ll leave the studio with a happy heart.”

Sehun never thought a mere stranger would be able to comfort him this way. “Thank you.”

“What was that thing you say after ‘EXO’?”

And Sehun smiled, laughing a little. “Let’s love?”

“Right. Say it please, to end our interview.”

Sehun balled his fist, raised it up and said the three words that mean so much to him, quiet but with conviction. “EXO, Let’s Love!”

“Sehun. . .” He feels Jongin’s calloused fingers on his cheeks. “You’re crying.”

Hurriedly, Sehun wipes his tears away, sitting up and moving to the far side of the couch. “It’s nothing.”

“It can’t be nothing when you’re crying like that! Damnit, Sehun, I thought we shared everything between us?”

“We do. It’s just-” Sehun looks down. He doesn’t know what to say. Whatever he says may just burden Jongin and he doesn’t want that to happen. Not when he’s crying over something that’s lost and can never be changed.

Jongin doesn’t speak, he waits because he knows Sehun has something more to say. And in a small voice the younger says, “I don’t want to burden you.”

Sighing, Jongin moves closer to his bandmate, patting his hair. “It won’t burden me as much as it does to watch you cry without knowing the reason.”

“It’s really nothing. I just. . . wish we were complete now.”

Chuckling, Jongin says, “You miss the hyungs that much?”

“Not just them.”

It takes a minute or two before Jongin finally gets it. A weird feeling of grief washing over him at the same time. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The television drones on around them, but neither of them hear a thing but each other’s breathing, both lost in their thoughts.

“Have you ever wondered,” It is Sehun who breaks the silence first. “Why they left?”

“Didn’t they already-”

“No.” Sehun’s voice takes a hard turn. “Why they really left. And Kris never really left an explanation.”

Bitter. Sehun sounds so bitter even Jongin is taken aback. He knows Sehun never really got over the fact that they’re only ten now. But he never thought that the younger dancer was this vexed over the issue. He seemed fine the past few months, he smiled a lot and Jongin honestly thought Sehun was getting over it.

Sehun is an open book to him, and to many others. His emotions are easily read. You’d know if he’s upset or happy, he cries easily and although his face is stoic most of the time, one small twitch will tell just what Sehun feels.

Jongin thought he was reading Sehun right.

He thought he knew Sehun better than he did.

He was wrong.

“Then why do you think they did? ”

“Because we held on too tight.”

Sehun doesn’t offer any more of an explanation before he locks himself inside his room. He doesn’t think he can explain, anyway.

So he slides down to the floor, and he cries.

*

Jongin doesn’t bother Sehun the next day, or the day after that, or any other day for that matter. The only thing that changes after Sehun’s episode is how Jongin is constantly looking at him in concern and how Jongin speaks to and interacts with Sehun. He’s been more careful, as if Sehun is made of porcelain and will break with just one wrong move.

Maybe he is. With all the crying he’s been doing these past few days, he’s sure one wrong step might just break him into a million pieces.

They’re heading to Beijing tomorrow.

Luhan’s hometown.

Just the thought of being so close to Luhan yet not being able to talk to him-more so, see him-makes Sehun feel sick to the stomach.

“Sehun?”

His thoughts are disrupted when someone knocks on his door. Not a second later, Jongdae’s peeking his head through the small opening he made on the door. “The leader and I are heading out now. Do you want anything for when we get back?”

“Oh. No, it’s okay. Have a safe drive, hyung.”

Sehun expects Jongdae to leave but instead, the vocalist enters the room and sits on the foot of Sehun’s bed. “Why the long face, champ?”

“It’s seriously nothing.” That’s what he said to Jongin a few days back but everyone knows how much of that’s a lie.

“Missing Baek and the others, then?”

Laughing, Sehun sits up from his bed, hitting Jongdae’s arm as an afterthought. “No. God, no. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet of the dorm as of the moment. Well, except when you’re talking and my ears start to hurt.” He smirks at his hyung, dodging Jongdae’s hand when the older attempts to hit him upside his head.

“Brat,” mutters Jongdae. “Be thankful you’re my favorite person here or else I would’ve skinned you alive long ago.”

“Heh.”

Jongdae groans at Sehun’s reply before his eyes glint mischievously. “You think Baek scored some girls over at Barcelona?”

“Isn’t he dating Taeyeon-sunbae, though?”

“Pfft. Yeah, maybe. Whatever. Remember when their scandal broke out?”

Sehun snorts. Of course he remembers. “Junmyeon-hyung was mad at him, Chanyeol too.”

“Who wouldn’t be?” Jongdae asks and Sehun shrugs. “I mean, you’re idols and you’re ‘dating’, why leave the car roof open?”

Both of them laugh out loud then. Junmyeon was funny when he was mad and Baekhyun looked stupid when he was flustered.

He’d reasoned out that the company was the one who planned everything, how the supposed date should go and how both of them had to show their faces so the camera could see. It was almost funny, if Sehun was being honest.

The day Dispatch posted the alleged pictures of the open-car date, as their fans like to call it, not only did their fandom go batshit-crazy, Junmyeon and Chanyeol did too.

They were practicing when the news was out and they had to endure hours of tension before they finally went back to the dorms. All the built up frustration (and probably anger) Junmyeon had was released the moment Jongin closed the door of their dorm.

Junmyeon held up his phone, displaying the photos Dispatch released hours earlier. His voice is clipped and it’s obvious how he’s trying to suppress a scream. “What is this?”

Baekhyun, for the lack of any other explanation, was speechless. He only stared at the screen, at the photo of him in the passenger’s seat of their sunbae’s car.

“Baekhyun, I’m going to count to three. If you don’t offer me a proper explanation-”

“The company planned it all! I swear!”

The phone Junmyeon was holding lands safely on the couch after he threw it away. “And you didn’t inform us about this, why?”

“Because the company-”

“What? Because CEO Kim told you so? I get that already but why didn't you tell us?”

Baekhyun’s face hardened and he glared at Junmyeon before turning away. Sehun, who was watching by the doorway of the kitchen, was about to walk inside the kitchen, thinking it was over but Chanyeol’s voice stopped him.

“What is this even for? You said the company planned it. For what?”

And with his back turned, Baekhyun said, “To cover-up Kris’ issue.”

That was the last straw for Junmyeon, “What the fuck, Baekhyun? What did they tell you? Did they tell you you'd protect Kris if you did this? If yes then why did you agree? Do you still believe in him?”

“Why do you sound so bitter? Are you still mad at him for leaving?”

“Yes.” Junmyeon said quietly. “I’m mad at him. I’m mad at him because he left without offering an explanation and look where that left us.”

“We’re still EXO, we still have fans. That’s all that matters.”

“Really, Baekhyun?” It’s Chanyeol who spoke this time. “Only the fans matter? How about us? Haven’t you seen how much this affected us as individuals and as a whole? We’re trying to make ends meet. He left us in a ditch and I can’t believe you agreed to sacrifice your own image just to cover-up his.”

Baekhyun walked out after that, not wanting to hear any more criticism from his own bandmates.

Junmyeon dropped to the couch once he hears a loud, resonating slam from across the hallway. “How could he be so stupid?”

Sehun only shakes his head before heading over to get a glass of water.

Junmyeon and Chanyeol, or any other person from their group for that matter, refused to acknowledge Baekhyun’s presence the next day.

The first thing they’ve read that morning was how Baekhyun and Taeyeon have been sending secret messages through Instagram. They didn’t know if it’s real, but nonetheless, they were still a tad bit mad.

Baekhyun was playing hero here, he was taking a fall he wasn’t meant to take.

All the negative attention that Kris was receiving was now being diverted to him. Their Korean fans’ reactions were a given but now, even their international fanbase was causing an uproar, all mad at Baekhyun for not being careful at times like these.

Their fandom was still unstable from Kris’ issue and now this.

Three days have passed and the stress Baekhyun was experiencing showed clearly on his face. He and Junmyeon were going to film Inkigayo today and although some of the members started talking to Baekhyun again, Junmyeon was another case.

He kept minimal contact with Baekhyun throughout their time in the practice room and the dorm, only acknowledging him when absolutely necessary.

Their filming was awkward, the fans won’t even give any kind of reaction towards Baekhyun and Junmyeon was tense around him. Baekhyun tried so hard to keep up the happy facade but there’s only so much he could do.

Sehun was just about to go to sleep that night when Baekhyun cornered him.

“Sehun.”

“Hyung.”

Baekhyun face-planted on the sofa, “I can’t take this anymore.”

“Well,” Sehun’s lips pursed, “It is your fault. We’re okay with you dating and all but you should’ve been more careful.”

“The company made me do it!”

After swatting Baekhyun’s feet away, Sehun made himself comfortable on the couch. “Then why did you agree?”

“I-” Baekhyun faltered, his brows bunched up in the middle of his forehead. “I just wanted to divert the fans’ attention.”

“And you were willing to take all the negativity that’s supposed to be for him?”

“I don’t know why I agreed. It felt like it was the right thing to do. God, I just want you guys to start talking to me again.”

Sehun started pulling at Baekhyun’s toes. “Then explain and say sorry. Sincerely. Face to face.”

“You really think that’ll work?”

“Yes.”

Because that’s what he wanted from Kris. An explanation was what he wanted, but it was something Kris refused to give. And a simple sorry via text wasn’t enough. Kris could’ve been laughing while sending that for all he knew. Sehun had no idea if it was genuine or not.

“How are you so sure?”

“Just go already.”

“You think they’re really dating, though?” Jongdae asks, pinching Sehun’s toes after the dancer stretched out once again on his bed.

“I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care.”

“Me neither. Well, I need to go. Don’t you really want anything? I’m feeling extra generous tonight.” Brows wiggle and Sehun chuckles.

“Chocolate?”

“Got it.” Standing, Jongdae straightens out his clothes, brushing imaginary dust off his pants.

Sehun covers his eyes with his arms and he feels Jongdae ruffle his hair before walking to the door. “Rest well, Sehunnie.”

Sehun manages to rest well, like Jongdae tells him to. The vocalist made him laugh genuinely after days of crying and he’s thankful for that.

He just wishes everything would go smoothly after tonight.

*

He spoke too soon.

They’re at Beijing, walking through the airport and everything seems fine. He’s holding up well but “Hyung, look!” Chanyeol, who’s ahead of Sehun by a few feet, says to their manager, pointing at something to their left.

Sehun thought it was nothing, maybe a fan made another funny banner. But that was not the case.

The ever familiar eyes of Luhan greet him once he turns his head. The poster depicts Luhan wearing a pink sweater, and even though his fringe cover his eyes, they still manage to stand out, twinkling brightly even though it is just a mere poster.

Sehun forces his eyes to stare straight ahead, releasing a breath he isn't aware he was holding once he passes through the poster.

His eyes start to get watery and he’s thankful they found benches to sit on not minutes later. Sighing, he rests his head in his hands, willing away the tears that are starting to form. He can’t break down now, not when eyes are everywhere, watching his every move.

He feigns a headache but he can feel a pair of eyes watching him closely. He looks around and catches Tao’s eyes sizing him up.

He knows Sehun’s lying.

“What the hell was that?”

Groaning, Sehun rolls around the bed, burying his face into the soft pillows the hotel provides. He’s rooming with Tao tonight. “I told you, I was having a headache.”

“Liar.”

“Shut up.”

He can hear Tao sigh before he feels the bed dip. “It’s Luhan, isn’t it?”

“Yes. No. Yes. I don’t know.”

“Spill it.”

Sehun doesn’t know how he managed to tell Tao everything. Maybe it’s because he knows exactly how Sehun feels because he experienced it too. He was a wreck when Kris left, he cried day and night. Much like Sehun but he got over it quick. That’s why Sehun admires him so much. Tao lives in the moment while he’s stuck in the past.

“Let go, Sehun.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can. Tell me your favorite moment with Luhan last year.”

Some pillows fall off the bed when Sehun sits up, “How the hell is that supposed to help?”

“Just. Trust me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sehun tells him about their concert in Shanghai.

It was the first thing that came to mind, and as always, he has no idea why.

They were asked to endorse the new Samsung phone then, and they did by using the phone during their time onstage.

Jongin took pictures with the fans as his background and the other members did the same, taking pictures with each other too.

Sehun just finished waving to their fans and was just randomly dancing to Lucky, waiting for his line when Luhan came to him while doing these weird hand movements with the Galaxy S5 in his grasp. Sehun did not expect Luhan. Luhan stuck mostly to Yixing and Tao so when he came up to Sehun and asked him to take a picture together, Sehun was honestly surprised.

Luhan was about to click the shutter when Sehun’s line came up so he had to face the crowd and rap. He tapped Sehun’s shoulder and just after Luhan asked Sehun to look directly at the front-cam, golden confetti exploded from behind them as the song reached its peak.

Luhan started to click the shutter then, taking picture after picture and Sehun felt the world slow down. With confetti billowing around them and the fans screaming their names, it was a picture perfect scene. It was perfect. As if nothing could ever go wrong anymore.

Sehun had his favorite hyung by his side and all the other members, the fans too.

What more could he ever ask for?

“You still have those pictures with you, don’t you?”

“I think, yeah.”

“Good. Now listen to me.”

Sehun’s head somehow finds itself on Tao’s shoulder. He hums in reply.

“What we are now, the new image we’re going to show, the new fans we gathered and the fans who stayed, accept it, live in it. Because that's the best thing you can do. And those photos, that moment, and everything else that you kept near to your heart during those times when Luhan was still here, maybe even Kris," Zitao says the name quietly. "Keep them as a memory. Use them as something that drives you forward instead of something that pulls you back. Have them serve as a reminder of how you've become. Of what you are now."

"Tao. . . I-"

Tao pats Sehun's head. "It's what I did back then, Sehunnie. It worked and you know who told me to do that?"

Sehun thinks he already knows the answer, but he asks anyway. "Who?"

"Luhan."

Chuckling, Sehun mutters, "That's quite expected. He has a knack for being an emotional prick."

Tao shrugs. "True."

Then it's quiet for a while. They hear a thud in the room next to theirs and they are about to go and check until they realize that that room was is shared by Chanyeol and Jongdae. They shake their head in unison before Sehun flops down on the bed once again.

"You think we'll meet him again?"

Tao, who is on his way to the bathroom, pauses by the doorway, looking at Sehun's form partly hidden by the thick duvets. "Yes. We may have our backs against each other now but we'll meet him again. The clock isn't broken, Sehun. Time is still running. And we'll meet him, if time allows. And I'm sure it will."

*

The remaining days of January goes by fast after that. They've attended various Award shows and managed to bag at least one award from them all.

Sehun smiles everytime he sees the trophies proudly standing on their bookshelf, the result of their hard work. It just shows that what they strived for didn't go to waste.

February has been a very busy month for them all. They recorded for their new album, practiced new choreographies, learned new songs, all for their upcoming concert this March. The teasers they filmed in London and Spain were getting edited and Sehun is really excited to show the fans their new beginning as ten. His talk with Tao made him realize that, at this point, letting go of the past was the best thing he could possibly do.

And without any of them realizing it, a month has passed and March comes knocking right at their doors.

It’s the day before the concert and all the members are all nervous for their second solo concert. They'll also be unveiling two particular songs with meanings that are close to their hearts: El Dorado talks about their uncertain future after what happened last year, but with ten hands outstretched for one common goal, they manage to make it through. They will make it through. While Promise is a song for their fans, their who stayed even through everything. A ‘sorry’, a ‘thank you’, an ‘I love you’, a promise.

All the members are sitting around a circle when Sehun comes out of his shower, a phone between them all. They all quiet down once they catch sight of the youngest and Junmyeon takes hold of the phone and says, "There's someone who wants to talk to you," before he hands over the phone and shoos the other members away, going away himself.

Sehun walks to his room after that, locking the door for a reason he doesn't know. His back is against the door and it's quiet for a while before Sehun slowly brings the device to his ear. The contact is unfamiliar to him, there is no contact ID nor a display picture, just a set of numbers Sehun finds familiar. He hears a sharp inhale before the person on the other line speaks, voice imploring, broken, excited, happy, all known emotions are there. All at once, "Sehunnie?"

Sehun almost drops the phone. He knows that voice anywhere, the slightly breathy voice, high yet low, but always bright. The same voice that lulls him to sleep during restless nights, the same one that cried to him when Kris left, the same voice that motivated him day after day after that incident, the same one that said goodbye.

But it can't be. After months of no contact, it just can't be.

"Sehun?" Luhan-Sehun refuses to admit that it is real, that Luhan really is there, trying to talk to him-tries again.

His heart beats at an inhumane speed and he can feel his palms sweat. His voice breaks, "H-hyung?"

"I miss you."

Sehun doesn't know what to say to that. He misses Luhan, obviously. He misses Luhan so, so much but how can he tell Luhan that without sounding pathetic?

He says nothing, but Luhan continues on. "It's okay. . . if you don't want to talk. I understand. Just. . . don't hang up. I want to talk to you."

"Why did you leave?"

Now it's Luhan who can't speak. Sehun hears nothing but a sharp intake of breath before Luhan says, "You already know the answer."

"No." Sehun slides down to the floor, hugging his knees with his free hand. "I want to know why you really left."

"My parents are-"

"I know that already! You said that before and you said that you have health problems but is it really just that?"

"I can't do this. I'm sorry Sehun but-"

"You said you wanted to talk," Sehun doesn't even realize that he's crying. "Now talk."

"Sehun. . ."

"Please." his voice breaks at the end. "I just want to know." Then he whispers, "I can't go on like this. I'm a wreck Luhan."

". . . Okay."

Another short silence envelopes them for a while. It was just a few seconds bordering one minute but it felt like years for Sehun before Luhan finally talked. "I didn't want to break my promise."

“What promise? That you’ll never leave?” Sehun scoffs, “Didn’t you realize that you broke that promise the moment you thought of filing that lawsuit?”

“You don’t understand.” Luhan’s voice takes a desperate tone. It surprises Sehun to some level but his hard tone returns.

“Then make me understand. I’ve wanted nothing in the past months but to understand.”

“You’re right. I didn’t want to break that promise. And as much as it hurt me to do so, the only way I can do that was to leave.”

It was silence that answered Luhan’s statement. The only thing telling him that Sehun hasn’t hung up was his heavy breathing on the other line. He knows Sehun is listening, so he continues.

“Everyone knows how I’m severely afraid of heights. It reached the point where I had to take sleeping pills just to be able to endure a flight, no matter how short it was. But those pills, I thought they were safe, I thought they wouldn’t affect me as much. But they did. I experienced insomnia and headaches more often than not. My throat dried out. I had a hard time keeping my head straight; I can't even stand properly anymore. In short, my health deteriorated badly. I had a check-up and you know what the doctor called me?”

Despite himself, Sehun manages to say a weak, “What?”

“He called me a walking dead man. He said that if I kept this up, if I kept getting stressed and if I kept taking sleeping pills on a regular basis, I’d be better off dead.”

“How did leaving solve that, Luhan? How did leaving help you keep your promise?” Tears continue to slide down Sehun’s face but he pays them no mind.

“If I stayed, Sehun, if I stayed then I would have to take more flights then I’d need to take more pills, I would tire myself out by practicing day and night. I love singing, I love dancing, I love performing, I love being in EXO, I love being under the light but if I stayed, Sehun, if i stayed then I was as good as a walking corpse.”

Sehun can’t offer a reply.

His mind is a mess. He never knew how bad Luhan’s condition was. All he knew was that Luhan was tired, he needed to rest. Sehun didn’t even dare read any kind of article regarding Luhan during that time. The only updates he heard about Luhan were from Yixing and Tao, Junmyeon occasionally talks about what the Chinese male has been doing too.

He knows Luhan’s movie is a hit, he knows Luhan’s been doing well, he knows the fans still support him but that’s it. Anything that will remind him of the lawsuit, he’s been sure to stay clear off. But now. . .

“I. . . I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay, Sehunnie. I understand. But I’m not done yet. You wanted to know how I kept my promise, right?”

Sehun nods, forgetting the fact that Luhan can’t see him. The older male continues anyway.

"I held tight to that promise. I wanted to keep everyone happy. Including myself. So I left. I left because that means I’d be free from the hectic schedules and the stress that comes with being an idol. I left because my parents told me so. I left because I wanted to see the fans, the members, you happy. I held on tight enough to know that in order to fulfill that promise, I needed to let go.”

Sehun sniffs and he hears Luhan chuckle from the other line. “Sehunnie, you’re crying already?”

Sehun laughs a little, despite himself. “I can’t help it!”

“Pretend I’m there to wipe your tears away, okay? So as I was saying. . .”

And Luhan tells Sehun something he’d known all along.

Luhan did hold on to his promise. He held on so tight that it reached the point where the promise slowly deteriorated on his sweaty little palms.

He held on tight enough to realize that he can’t keep the promise and decided to let go instead of letting the promise deteriorate even further.

“How?” Sehun asks, just to be sure.

“I’m still here Sehun. I recovered well and my fans still get a glimpse of me every now and then, I haven’t left them. And, Sehun, you should know how I’ll never leave you. Any of you. We’ll meet if destiny permits. I only left the name EXO behind but I’ll always be your hyung and you-the little brother I’ve always wished to have.”

They talked all night, laughing, crying, reminiscing every single moment they deemed perfect.

Sehun fell asleep to Luhan’s voice, the same voice he missed so dearly, the same voice that gave him comfort, the same voice that. . .

”I wonder where I've seen you. . . Ah. . . In my dreams.”

*

Sehun's heart is pounding against his chest.

He can already hear the screams of their fans and Junmyeon's saying something that he can't understand. Blood is rushing throughout his body in an inhumane rate, his adrenaline is pumping.

This is it. Months of hardships and hard work have come to this.

The VCR is playing, riling up the fans, keeping them on the edge of their seats and Sehun feels the platform beneath him ascend slowly as the VCR reaches its end.

A familiar beat starts and the lights blind him momentarily after the platform rises up to its full height. He feels as if time has stopped as he sweeps his eyes through the arena.

Sehun sees a sea of stars, a sea of little lights just for them. For him.

Luhan decided to let go all those months ago.

And tonight, on this very stage and in his own unique way, Sehun manages to do the same.

*

The boy in the light hasn't visited Sehun in weeks.

The last time he saw the boy was after his talk with Tao and the night they won numerous awards in the Gaon Chart Awards. He was doing the same thing, dancing, singing, living in the light.

Never did Sehun see the boy's face. He only managed to see the boy from the chest down but even so, the image was blurry and Sehun can't decipher any kind of features, he had no idea who the boy was.

Everyone went straight to sleep after their concert, tired and weary but nevertheless happy for its success.

Sehun does the same and he dreams about the same boy that's been visiting him ever since the start of the year.

The only difference is that, tonight, the boy decided to reveal himself as a tall, lean dancer who had a tall nose and sharp eyes. His dark-brown hair was neatly slicked back, showcasing his flawless face for everyone to see.

He jolts awake, breathing heavily.

He checks to see if he woke up his roommate and he sighs in relief after he finds Junmyeon still snoring away.

It can’t be. He can’t be the boy in the light. He doesn’t love the stage as much as Luhan does or Jongin, or anyone in the group for that matter. It just can’t be.

Sehun lies there with an arm over his eyes.

How can he be the boy in his own dreams? Just, how? Does he really revel in the light, does he really love being on stage? Everything he’s doing right now, does he love it as much as the Sehun in his dreams do?

He thinks back to everything. To the very start. To that day the lady chased him down just to hand him a small card carrying the company’s name and address, telling Sehun that he would make a good idol.

Then the day he auditioned with a barely passable dance, the weeks he was restless when he thought he wouldn’t get in and that he shouldn’t have auditioned but all those worries were washed away the moment Sehun picked up the house phone and an official sounding woman congratulated him, telling him that training would start in two weeks.

The day he first met Jongin, then Minseok, then Yixing, then everyone else, the day he met Luhan. The day they told the group that they were going to debut. The day Sehun filmed his first teaser.

The day Sehun first stepped on that stage.

The day he learned how to live under the light.

Everything that made him what he is today was because he decided-wanted to walk in the light. He was the one who walked in that audition hall and gave his all, he was the one who chose to tire himself out by practicing day and night with Jongin by his side. He was the one who strived so hard just to stand on stage with the people he now considered as brothers.

He decided his own fate and met certain people to share that fate with, he met people who shared the light with him, who lived in it as much as he did.

They started from different directions, met at one single stage and while Sehun and nine others decided to stay on that stage, two of them decided it was time to go. One left without an explanation and Sehun renders that clock broken. His time with Kris has run out.

However, the other one-Luhan-gave him something to live with. Luhan gave him the explanation he was so desperate to hear, Luhan gave him a reason to let go, Luhan gave him hope.

Sehun and Luhan will meet again. Life isn’t as cruel as everyone thinks it is. Their clock hasn’t stopped ticking, their time isn’t done yet. They went their different ways but as the clock moves, its hands will meet at one point or another. Just like how Sehun and Luhan’s destinies will meet again.

And even if that clock stops, even if its hands stop moving, even if the minutes stop running and the seconds stop ticking, Sehun will never stop believing-will never stop hoping that the broken clock will move again.

Sehun turns and his mind reverts from broken clocks and hopes to the soft duvets that rustle under him.

It's unbelievably dark-Junmyeon didn't leave the bedside lamp open for once-but the moonlight that's spilling through the window manages to illuminate the clock on the far wall of the room.

It’s 12:30.

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