Stones Once Stars
Stones Once Stars
2030 words, rated PG-13
SHINee: Onew/Key
Summary: Jinki falls for Kibum. Kibum just falls.
Warnings: This fic contains character death.
Notes: This is the first time I've written SHINee. Maybe it's not too awful. For a friend, because she loves OnKey. Inspired by Light Years by Pearl Jam, because I love grunge.
Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket…
Sighs turn into puffy white smoke then disappear in the evening sky. The colors are slowly slipping away behind the horizon, and the lights are guiding Jinki home. He disregards their concern. He leans against the lamppost and waits for Kibum to show up. Jinki checks his watch in between rounds of tapping his fingers against his thighs.
Five minutes pass by quickly, as do ten and twenty. When an hour goes by, it mocks him for even being here in the first place. This wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. Jinki reluctantly looks down at his feet to make sure he is really here. His eyes spot the turning hands of his watch. He realizes he’s been here for hours.
It doesn’t make sense. Jinki mentally rummages through the conversations, the phone calls, the texts. He analyzes the body signals, the giggles, the smirks. A thought crosses his mind, one that should have been there before. He wonders how he miscalculated, how he got it wrong when the answer was right in front of him.
Jinki is intelligent, brilliant, bright. Yet somehow, he can feel himself dimming. He wonders if Kibum feels it, too. Jinki forces his squinty eyes open to stare at the heaven above.
The flicker fades. Now Jinki is sure.
“Look at them. They say when people die, they live on as stars. That way they will always be there, watching over the ones they left behind. In a way, no one ever really leaves,” Kibum states as the glitter dusted darkness falls over the city.
Kibum turns his head ever so slightly to the left. His face lights up as he points an index finger to a little speck of light. “That’s my grandmother. She is smiling on me now.”
“How can you tell?” Jinki asks in confusion.
“She always smiles at me, and can’t you see it? Can’t you see how it twinkles just for me?”
Jinki knows what stars are made of, and he knows that they are not made of humans. Still a part of him wants to agree with Kibum and share this wonderful world that he believes in. Jinki just lets the silence come between them and rubs his arms to keep warm.
Jinki walks alone, humming to himself and occasionally glancing up at the sky. The stars are hidden behind the cigarette smoke the moon seems to be blowing into once white clouds. A smile creeps onto his face. This is the perfect night for something like this, he thinks. As he digs for his car keys in the depths of his pocket, he looks up once more. No one is there. He notices a star twinkling through the thick blankets of gray. Jinki just nods and opens his car door.
He knows all the rules. He knows all the pieces, but somehow he didn’t expect a twist like this so soon in the game. He doesn’t understand, and Jinki had always understood.
Jinki looks out the window at nothing in particular.
“Why don’t you go see him if it’s making you this miserable? Quit being an asshole,” Jonghyun says while he pretends to fix his hair.
Jinki ignores his friend’s statement and continues to stare. He exhales and is now fascinated by the fog that his breath has created. He thinks of all these clever things to write, but he finds that his hand has already written the one thing he is avoiding.
Jonghyun takes a look at the window before Jinki wipes the word from the pane. He wishes he could wipe it from his mind, too. He remembers when his mind used to be filled with numbers and reasonable thoughts. He blames this all on Jonghyun. If he hadn’t brought him to the party, then none of this would’ve happened. To be fair, it is also partly Minho’s fault for distracting Jonghyun and taking him away.
Jinki remembers standing against a dirty wall in a seedy bar. His ‘friend’ had left him as soon as he caught sight of the tall cow-eyed man. This left him looking helpless, hopeless, and way too desperate. He ran out of the place as soon as he could. And that’s where the problem started. The problem has a name. And the name is still visible on the glass inside Jonghyun’s apartment.
Kibum.
Jinki drives with everything but the road circulating in his head. He thinks of the night he met Kibum, the way sunshine beamed on sweaty limbs, the sounds that Kibum made when he chewed, and the words he wished felt right at the time.
Kibum had left him, and he doesn’t know why.
But Jinki knows where Kibum will be. He just has to find a way to get there. Fast. Before the length between them spaces out another light year. Jinki knows that there are far too many already.
“I think that I…um…I just want to say that…I…well…” Jinki stutters through unsteady breaths. His eyes move in circles around the young man in front of him.
“Will you just get on with it?” Kibum asks as nicely as he possibly can while gritting his teeth. He hates waiting, and he especially doesn’t like waiting for some fool to blather on about something he could care less about. “Spit it out already!”
Jinki fixates his eyes on Kibum. He rethinks the scenario out, plans out all of the different outcomes, and breathes in. “I love you.”
Jinki has always known the solution to the problem, the way it all would end, but he would never have imagined the pain in his left arm. Kibum retracts his arm, unclenches his fist, and smirks.
“It took you long enough. Now where are you taking me for lunch?”
The car makes its way to the destination: a small apartment building on the other side of town. As it snuggles in the space between the two white lines, Jinki lets the engine die. He takes the keys out of the ignition and stumbles out of the car. He can feel himself fading, disappearing. He supposes that everyone feels this way.
Jinki wonders what he should tell Jonghyun. He knows that he never has been good with words, and he’s sure that Jonghyun knows that, too. Maybe the silence will be enough. It is the only thing that makes any sense anymore.
He counts the twenty steps it takes for him to get from his car to the front of the building. A song fills his head, and he begins to hum a happy tune of better times as he makes his way to his room. His hands search for the brass door knob and turn it ever so slowly. He feels the breath he had hitched in his throat flow out. He rests his head on the slightly open door and mouths the words Kibum had told him.
“Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket. Never let it fade away…” Kibum sings, if that off-key madness could count as singing.
Jinki watches his lover from across the room. Kibum is laying on his back in bed singing the same lines over and over. Jinki never knew someone like Kibum. He never knew that someone could be so happy and egotistical and horribly sarcastic. He never knew that was what he had always wanted to find.
As Kibum’s eyes lower and his breathing steadies, Jinki finally hears what he knows the younger man had tried to hide with his awful screeching.
He observes the sleeping man, his lover, his friend. He threads his fingers between Kibum’s and lays his tired head on the side of the bed, praying that the beeping never stops.
“Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket. Never let it fade away…” Jinki whispers.
If only he would’ve known his star was falling, he would’ve tried harder to catch it. If only he saw his star fading out, he would’ve found a way to light it again.
Instead, he let Kibum go. He had stopped the beeping, the noises, the breathing. Now there is only silence. Silence is the only thing that matters anymore, and it’s the only thing that makes the minutes drag on for hours. Jinki has no one to blame but himself. He let the words fall apart.
“You know it’s not your fault…” Taemin begins.
Jinki doesn’t really care for what comes next. It’s always the same. Comforting only works on someone that wants to be comforted. Jinki just wants to be alone and be crushed by the impending silence.
Taemin puts an arm around Jinki’s shoulder. Jinki realizes he can’t feel the warmth that Taemin always possesses. He can’t feel anything at all.
Jinki opens his eyes and makes out shapes that he identifies as Minho and Jonghyun. Minho has his eyes closed and his arms wrapped around his shorter dino-like boyfriend. Jonghyun’s face is buried in Minho’s chest. Jinki decides that he doesn’t need the display of love that they are showing off.
He yells something out. He isn’t sure what he said, but it works. He is left with Taemin’s arms circling his hunched form.
Jinki doesn’t know when Taemin left. He hadn’t felt him move, hadn’t seen him leave. Jinki thinks that it’s probably for the best. Taemin wasn’t there for him. He was there for Kibum, but now Kibum was gone.
It just doesn’t make sense.
It still doesn’t make sense.
But then again, Jinki always knew that this would happen. He knows the rules, how things go. He just hates the revision of them. He wants to play by the old rules, the ones that said that people only leave when they are old and gray.
Kibum had always been one to take chances. It was the way he was. Jinki could tell it from the way he tapped his glasses when he thought of something to say. But Kibum shouldn’t have tested this. It wasn’t always about him.
Kibum was burning too hot and too bright. It was only a matter of time until he burned out. But he had been what made Jinki shine. Now all the light is gone, and Jinki doesn’t understand why.
Jinki can feel himself breaking. He had thought about how it would go, when his time would come, and what mess he would leave for someone else to piece together. He realizes that it doesn’t really matter to him. It wouldn’t be his problem. He would be with Kibum by then. That is, if he still loved him. Jinki places his right hand over that space where a heart should be beating. A heart should be breaking. A heart should be. Instead, there is a cold black stone.
He knows what stars are made of, and he knows that they are not made of humans. Still a part of him wants to believe Kibum. He wants to think that they can still be together, somewhere in the universe. Kibum’s light would reflect off of his smooth surface. Together they could shine. Together, Jinki can only hope.
Jinki has become the first black dwarf, but Kibum is now a black hole. He is pulling Jinki back into his gravity, the same way Jinki’s mouth is pulling the barrel of the gun closer. He closes his eyes and thinks of Kibum. He searches the sky, and he is glad when he sees the dark clouds covering the stars. Kibum would never want this for him. He places a shaky finger on the trigger and pulls back.
A star shines through the depths of gray.
It twinkles once.
Twice.
Then it shines.
Kibum beams, and Jinki lets the warmth bounce off him.
“We were but stones. Your light made us stars.”
2030 words, rated PG-13
SHINee: Onew/Key
Summary: Jinki falls for Kibum. Kibum just falls.
Warnings: This fic contains character death.
Notes: This is the first time I've written SHINee. Maybe it's not too awful. For a friend, because she loves OnKey. Inspired by Light Years by Pearl Jam, because I love grunge.
Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket…
Sighs turn into puffy white smoke then disappear in the evening sky. The colors are slowly slipping away behind the horizon, and the lights are guiding Jinki home. He disregards their concern. He leans against the lamppost and waits for Kibum to show up. Jinki checks his watch in between rounds of tapping his fingers against his thighs.
Five minutes pass by quickly, as do ten and twenty. When an hour goes by, it mocks him for even being here in the first place. This wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. Jinki reluctantly looks down at his feet to make sure he is really here. His eyes spot the turning hands of his watch. He realizes he’s been here for hours.
It doesn’t make sense. Jinki mentally rummages through the conversations, the phone calls, the texts. He analyzes the body signals, the giggles, the smirks. A thought crosses his mind, one that should have been there before. He wonders how he miscalculated, how he got it wrong when the answer was right in front of him.
Jinki is intelligent, brilliant, bright. Yet somehow, he can feel himself dimming. He wonders if Kibum feels it, too. Jinki forces his squinty eyes open to stare at the heaven above.
The flicker fades. Now Jinki is sure.
“Look at them. They say when people die, they live on as stars. That way they will always be there, watching over the ones they left behind. In a way, no one ever really leaves,” Kibum states as the glitter dusted darkness falls over the city.
Kibum turns his head ever so slightly to the left. His face lights up as he points an index finger to a little speck of light. “That’s my grandmother. She is smiling on me now.”
“How can you tell?” Jinki asks in confusion.
“She always smiles at me, and can’t you see it? Can’t you see how it twinkles just for me?”
Jinki knows what stars are made of, and he knows that they are not made of humans. Still a part of him wants to agree with Kibum and share this wonderful world that he believes in. Jinki just lets the silence come between them and rubs his arms to keep warm.
Jinki walks alone, humming to himself and occasionally glancing up at the sky. The stars are hidden behind the cigarette smoke the moon seems to be blowing into once white clouds. A smile creeps onto his face. This is the perfect night for something like this, he thinks. As he digs for his car keys in the depths of his pocket, he looks up once more. No one is there. He notices a star twinkling through the thick blankets of gray. Jinki just nods and opens his car door.
He knows all the rules. He knows all the pieces, but somehow he didn’t expect a twist like this so soon in the game. He doesn’t understand, and Jinki had always understood.
Jinki looks out the window at nothing in particular.
“Why don’t you go see him if it’s making you this miserable? Quit being an asshole,” Jonghyun says while he pretends to fix his hair.
Jinki ignores his friend’s statement and continues to stare. He exhales and is now fascinated by the fog that his breath has created. He thinks of all these clever things to write, but he finds that his hand has already written the one thing he is avoiding.
Jonghyun takes a look at the window before Jinki wipes the word from the pane. He wishes he could wipe it from his mind, too. He remembers when his mind used to be filled with numbers and reasonable thoughts. He blames this all on Jonghyun. If he hadn’t brought him to the party, then none of this would’ve happened. To be fair, it is also partly Minho’s fault for distracting Jonghyun and taking him away.
Jinki remembers standing against a dirty wall in a seedy bar. His ‘friend’ had left him as soon as he caught sight of the tall cow-eyed man. This left him looking helpless, hopeless, and way too desperate. He ran out of the place as soon as he could. And that’s where the problem started. The problem has a name. And the name is still visible on the glass inside Jonghyun’s apartment.
Kibum.
Jinki drives with everything but the road circulating in his head. He thinks of the night he met Kibum, the way sunshine beamed on sweaty limbs, the sounds that Kibum made when he chewed, and the words he wished felt right at the time.
Kibum had left him, and he doesn’t know why.
But Jinki knows where Kibum will be. He just has to find a way to get there. Fast. Before the length between them spaces out another light year. Jinki knows that there are far too many already.
“I think that I…um…I just want to say that…I…well…” Jinki stutters through unsteady breaths. His eyes move in circles around the young man in front of him.
“Will you just get on with it?” Kibum asks as nicely as he possibly can while gritting his teeth. He hates waiting, and he especially doesn’t like waiting for some fool to blather on about something he could care less about. “Spit it out already!”
Jinki fixates his eyes on Kibum. He rethinks the scenario out, plans out all of the different outcomes, and breathes in. “I love you.”
Jinki has always known the solution to the problem, the way it all would end, but he would never have imagined the pain in his left arm. Kibum retracts his arm, unclenches his fist, and smirks.
“It took you long enough. Now where are you taking me for lunch?”
The car makes its way to the destination: a small apartment building on the other side of town. As it snuggles in the space between the two white lines, Jinki lets the engine die. He takes the keys out of the ignition and stumbles out of the car. He can feel himself fading, disappearing. He supposes that everyone feels this way.
Jinki wonders what he should tell Jonghyun. He knows that he never has been good with words, and he’s sure that Jonghyun knows that, too. Maybe the silence will be enough. It is the only thing that makes any sense anymore.
He counts the twenty steps it takes for him to get from his car to the front of the building. A song fills his head, and he begins to hum a happy tune of better times as he makes his way to his room. His hands search for the brass door knob and turn it ever so slowly. He feels the breath he had hitched in his throat flow out. He rests his head on the slightly open door and mouths the words Kibum had told him.
“Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket. Never let it fade away…” Kibum sings, if that off-key madness could count as singing.
Jinki watches his lover from across the room. Kibum is laying on his back in bed singing the same lines over and over. Jinki never knew someone like Kibum. He never knew that someone could be so happy and egotistical and horribly sarcastic. He never knew that was what he had always wanted to find.
As Kibum’s eyes lower and his breathing steadies, Jinki finally hears what he knows the younger man had tried to hide with his awful screeching.
He observes the sleeping man, his lover, his friend. He threads his fingers between Kibum’s and lays his tired head on the side of the bed, praying that the beeping never stops.
“Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket. Never let it fade away…” Jinki whispers.
If only he would’ve known his star was falling, he would’ve tried harder to catch it. If only he saw his star fading out, he would’ve found a way to light it again.
Instead, he let Kibum go. He had stopped the beeping, the noises, the breathing. Now there is only silence. Silence is the only thing that matters anymore, and it’s the only thing that makes the minutes drag on for hours. Jinki has no one to blame but himself. He let the words fall apart.
“You know it’s not your fault…” Taemin begins.
Jinki doesn’t really care for what comes next. It’s always the same. Comforting only works on someone that wants to be comforted. Jinki just wants to be alone and be crushed by the impending silence.
Taemin puts an arm around Jinki’s shoulder. Jinki realizes he can’t feel the warmth that Taemin always possesses. He can’t feel anything at all.
Jinki opens his eyes and makes out shapes that he identifies as Minho and Jonghyun. Minho has his eyes closed and his arms wrapped around his shorter dino-like boyfriend. Jonghyun’s face is buried in Minho’s chest. Jinki decides that he doesn’t need the display of love that they are showing off.
He yells something out. He isn’t sure what he said, but it works. He is left with Taemin’s arms circling his hunched form.
Jinki doesn’t know when Taemin left. He hadn’t felt him move, hadn’t seen him leave. Jinki thinks that it’s probably for the best. Taemin wasn’t there for him. He was there for Kibum, but now Kibum was gone.
It just doesn’t make sense.
It still doesn’t make sense.
But then again, Jinki always knew that this would happen. He knows the rules, how things go. He just hates the revision of them. He wants to play by the old rules, the ones that said that people only leave when they are old and gray.
Kibum had always been one to take chances. It was the way he was. Jinki could tell it from the way he tapped his glasses when he thought of something to say. But Kibum shouldn’t have tested this. It wasn’t always about him.
Kibum was burning too hot and too bright. It was only a matter of time until he burned out. But he had been what made Jinki shine. Now all the light is gone, and Jinki doesn’t understand why.
Jinki can feel himself breaking. He had thought about how it would go, when his time would come, and what mess he would leave for someone else to piece together. He realizes that it doesn’t really matter to him. It wouldn’t be his problem. He would be with Kibum by then. That is, if he still loved him. Jinki places his right hand over that space where a heart should be beating. A heart should be breaking. A heart should be. Instead, there is a cold black stone.
He knows what stars are made of, and he knows that they are not made of humans. Still a part of him wants to believe Kibum. He wants to think that they can still be together, somewhere in the universe. Kibum’s light would reflect off of his smooth surface. Together they could shine. Together, Jinki can only hope.
Jinki has become the first black dwarf, but Kibum is now a black hole. He is pulling Jinki back into his gravity, the same way Jinki’s mouth is pulling the barrel of the gun closer. He closes his eyes and thinks of Kibum. He searches the sky, and he is glad when he sees the dark clouds covering the stars. Kibum would never want this for him. He places a shaky finger on the trigger and pulls back.
A star shines through the depths of gray.
It twinkles once.
Twice.
Then it shines.
Kibum beams, and Jinki lets the warmth bounce off him.
“We were but stones. Your light made us stars.”