My Travels in the Perspectives of Love
"Stupid guy" were the words that came out every time I thought about him-which was pretty often. However, it may be safe to say the phase of me being angry at Jam for the way he treated me just ended. My reason for the way I felt was that if he didn't treat me the way he did at those particular times, I wouldn't have gotten so deep into this; I wouldn't have hoped or saw that a future of us together was possible. Of course we all know that's not exactly true or fair. I was at fault too for not guarding my heart. But I think most of all, which still makes me sad now, was that I trusted him that he knew what he was doing. Turns out he didn't.
After I shared my experiences with him to her, a good friend said this, "Never trust men; they sometimes lead wrongly." That's quite a generalisation and not all men lead wrongly, but there is some truth in there, and quite a sad one, especially for the girls who follow their every direction, only to head nowhere or to a deadend. Throughout this experience I really felt for all those who were and are involved in a relationship; things can really get so complicated that it's no surprise that some end up single even though they were very intentional and well-meaning in their efforts to find someone to spend their life with.
art by いつかIt is not the sad memories that are the most painful, but the pleasant and happy ones. Moments that we shared together or details of himself and his thoughts that he conveyed. And it also hurts that he could have forgotten most of it because they don't matter to him in the first place... in the first place... when I held them close to me.
Before I knew of what he thought towards me (which was "just a friend"), my feelings were really haywire and I just wanted to know if he felt the same way. I wanted to know if what I felt would be reciprocated or if this would go anywhere before I dove further. You will know that this is quite a common, intense curiosity when you can find so many articles online with headlines like, "10 Signs that He Likes You" and etc. But I found out... that actually one can never really know until someone shows the interest by expressing it explicitly in words, because... how one shows whether they like someone is quite subjective. And for one reason or another, some will decide to withhold their true thoughts. So we can't really say for sure until it's clearly stated. And... some actions shown may not necessarily mean that one likes the other. This was a big part of what made me hope and was 75% sure that he liked me back. It really caught me by surprise that I was speechless for awhile when he said he had no feelings towards me. What were those things he did then? Things that were so personal and intimate but for him turned out to be something he'd do with a friend. I can't comprehend that; they don't compute.
But that's the truth: how one sees something could be very different from another. I came to learn this the hard way... and that also not everyone views "love" the same way. What is "love" for you? For me, "love" is firstly God's character and His very being... anything that is contradictory to who He is isn't love, which includes conditional 'love'.
I was typing out something but it just ended up like I was judging him and what I (can't help but) feel is his idea of "love", so I just scrapped it. Anyways, I... learned that while it's true that love accepts a person wholly, for the good and the bad, I think it is a bit different when it comes to relationships...(from my perspective), as I'll want to make a choice that is worth it in the long run-that doesn't waste my life here on earth. A marriage that together, we glorify God more than when we're alone. So I feel that it isn't healthy for one partner to always be the giver, whether they are doing it sacrificially and willingly or not. A relationship should be two ways, and both putting in the effort to maintain it. Otherwise, one party will just keep on treating the other this way as the other is unconsciouly saying, "I'm okay with things being this way" when they just accept it.
I guess I'm just rambling now, but those are my thoughts... and I figure, that next time I will not allow myself to be dragged along with the other person just because I like them. I set my own boundaries and standards, because the other won't know what things I hold dear, and I'll only share them with someone who has shown time and time again that they will protect my heart and not dash it aside into the mud.
There is still some hurt and sadness over how things are, and I'd say also some fear of getting into a relationship again, but... I don't know, will just see how things go. I'm sure this season will pass... hopefully.
After I shared my experiences with him to her, a good friend said this, "Never trust men; they sometimes lead wrongly." That's quite a generalisation and not all men lead wrongly, but there is some truth in there, and quite a sad one, especially for the girls who follow their every direction, only to head nowhere or to a deadend. Throughout this experience I really felt for all those who were and are involved in a relationship; things can really get so complicated that it's no surprise that some end up single even though they were very intentional and well-meaning in their efforts to find someone to spend their life with.
art by いつかIt is not the sad memories that are the most painful, but the pleasant and happy ones. Moments that we shared together or details of himself and his thoughts that he conveyed. And it also hurts that he could have forgotten most of it because they don't matter to him in the first place... in the first place... when I held them close to me.
Before I knew of what he thought towards me (which was "just a friend"), my feelings were really haywire and I just wanted to know if he felt the same way. I wanted to know if what I felt would be reciprocated or if this would go anywhere before I dove further. You will know that this is quite a common, intense curiosity when you can find so many articles online with headlines like, "10 Signs that He Likes You" and etc. But I found out... that actually one can never really know until someone shows the interest by expressing it explicitly in words, because... how one shows whether they like someone is quite subjective. And for one reason or another, some will decide to withhold their true thoughts. So we can't really say for sure until it's clearly stated. And... some actions shown may not necessarily mean that one likes the other. This was a big part of what made me hope and was 75% sure that he liked me back. It really caught me by surprise that I was speechless for awhile when he said he had no feelings towards me. What were those things he did then? Things that were so personal and intimate but for him turned out to be something he'd do with a friend. I can't comprehend that; they don't compute.
But that's the truth: how one sees something could be very different from another. I came to learn this the hard way... and that also not everyone views "love" the same way. What is "love" for you? For me, "love" is firstly God's character and His very being... anything that is contradictory to who He is isn't love, which includes conditional 'love'.
I was typing out something but it just ended up like I was judging him and what I (can't help but) feel is his idea of "love", so I just scrapped it. Anyways, I... learned that while it's true that love accepts a person wholly, for the good and the bad, I think it is a bit different when it comes to relationships...(from my perspective), as I'll want to make a choice that is worth it in the long run-that doesn't waste my life here on earth. A marriage that together, we glorify God more than when we're alone. So I feel that it isn't healthy for one partner to always be the giver, whether they are doing it sacrificially and willingly or not. A relationship should be two ways, and both putting in the effort to maintain it. Otherwise, one party will just keep on treating the other this way as the other is unconsciouly saying, "I'm okay with things being this way" when they just accept it.
I guess I'm just rambling now, but those are my thoughts... and I figure, that next time I will not allow myself to be dragged along with the other person just because I like them. I set my own boundaries and standards, because the other won't know what things I hold dear, and I'll only share them with someone who has shown time and time again that they will protect my heart and not dash it aside into the mud.
There is still some hurt and sadness over how things are, and I'd say also some fear of getting into a relationship again, but... I don't know, will just see how things go. I'm sure this season will pass... hopefully.