for holly_berri (1/2)
Title: To Be You
By: blinkbling24
Pairings: akame, slight kokame
Word count: ~17,500
Rating: light NC-17
Warnings: Not beta-ed, so please forgive the accidental grammar and spelling mistakes :p
Notes: For Saki. I really hope you like it, at least a little. This fic is somewhat inspired by the Korean drama, Secret Garden, although I have only taken the concept, and not the plot. The plot is tailor-made for Jin and Kame. Also, it’s pertinent that you know the lyrics to Jin’s Eternal to truly appreciate this story.
Also, I should probably say that this fic is not as tight as I would like it. It was a challenge for me to write something like that from the start. And then, a devastating earthquake does sort of take away one’s inspiration and dislodge one’s priorities, making it all the more difficult. But, I’m glad I managed to finish this, and even if it’s not entirely to my satisfaction, it is still close to my heart. If you find it lacking, I’m apologize *bows*
Summary: Because of a mysterious and somewhat annoying circumstance, both Jin and Kame realize new things about who they are to each other.
----------------------------
It is the last day of Jin’s show in Saitama and Kame is sitting in the bad seats area of the venue, having snuck in just a minute ago, 5 minutes before the show starts, disguised and looking somewhat like a terrorist with a scarf covering almost all his face, and big dark sunglasses. Kame has no idea what possessed him to come and watch Jin perform. He had long given up caring about anything Jin does.
It was the mention from Ueda perhaps, when they had bumped into each other earlier in the day with Kame on the way out of the jimusho gym, and Ueda on the way in.
“Just thought you might want to know that Jin’s back, and has been back for sometime.” Why Ueda thought he needed to be informed of that, Kame had no clue.
“So?” Kame had responded nonchalantly, pretending he did not know that Jin is not only back, but also in the middle of a nationwide tour.
“Nothing. I just overheard some juniors say they were thinking of going to his show again tonight. Said it was fun, different. Maybe KAT-TUN should show our support too? Make it a bonding trip to Osaka or something.”
“Maybe,” Kame had said, not really committing. “Good luck convincing Koki,” was his last shot to Ueda before they parted ways.
The knowledge of Jin’s show had plagued him from then on, so much so that he found himself walking, disguised of course, the narrow lane in Harajuku just 2 hours before the concert. The price of the ticket was crazy exorbitant, but Kame found himself paying for it.
He hasn’t seen Jin in a long time, and maybe it is not wise to see him like this, the centre of attention, holding the fort all by himself. Being successful, all by himself. It’s not that Kame is jealous, Kame can hold the audience just as well, or even better, than Jin can, Kame understands the fundamentals of fan service too well. It’s not that Kame begrudges Jin of success. It’s nothing like that. In fact, he wishes Jin all the success in the world. When Kame really thinks about it, even if he chooses not to, it boils down to not being part of it all, not being part of Jin’s life, not anymore.
The show is as spectacular as Kame expects it to be. He feels a choke in his throat as he acknowledges that Jin’s dreams are slowly coming true, dreams that Kame know so much about. But, as Kame watches, he feels something else too. It is nothing obvious. It just seems like Jin knows he is there. Impossible, Kame thinks. There are so many faces. Why is it then, that he feels Jin’s eyes searching, even though hidden in the shadows of his fedora, for someone?
Kame has heard the song before, Pi had been humming it for weeks after he did that duet with Jin at his own solo concert. It never meant anything to Kame, not until this very moment. Jin is hovering way above the crowd, singing as though this song means everything to him. The whole show was full of gimmicks and fantastic effects, and Jin looked great, but it is here, right now, when Jin stripped bare of everything but his voice, that is so mesmerizingly beautiful. Kame cannot tear his eyes away, recognizing for the first time in a long time the Jin that he knows.
For a moment, Kame is sure that Jin is looking straight at him. The lyrics of the song swim around him and his chest suddenly feels tight. Jin seems to also be feeling something, his voice wavers a little, only noticed by Kame, but Kame is not sure. Something seems to be there, but not, at the same time. Kame doesn’t want to stay to find out what this strange vibe is. He stands just as Jin’s crane swings away, and walks out to the tune of Eternal in his ears.
*
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“hhhuuurrggghhh???” Jin stirs and pries his eyes open.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“W-what??” Jin begins to come to himself as he sits up in bed.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“W-who???” Jin stumbles out of the bedroom, bumping into things as he approaches the door. He’s still somewhat asleep.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“JESUS! I’M COMING!” Jin yells as he reaches for the knob and swings the front door open forcefully, all ready to spill a stream of vulgarities at the person who has the audacity to wake him up so early in the morning, never mind that it is already almost 10am.
“There had better be a damn good reason……” Jin stops short as he reels at what he sees, so shocked that he stumbles back and trips on the step that separates the genkan from the living area that he never knew he had.
*
“This must be a dream, this must be a dream, this must be a dream…OWWWWW!!” Jin, who had been crouched in a fetal position and rocking on the spot at the exact place he had fallen, is now protesting and rubbing his arm where his visitor had pinched him.
“Damn it, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s going to bruise. I bruise too easily.”
At the sound of the voice he had heard in his head all his life, Jin looks up and stares straight into familiar eyes, eyes he sees everyday when he looks in the mirror, except that this time, those eyes had on a look that Jin had never ever seen before in them. On another person’s eyes, however……..
Jin almost cowers when this person he now recognizes as his exact replica hauls him up and drags him to the bedroom.
“Wait a minute! What are you doing? Are you my long lost brother? Mum never mentioned that I was the other half of twins! Reio’s going to have a fit! What do you want? Money? I’m not rich you know. Contrary to popular belief, idols don’t get paid very much, and I’m broke……” Jin sputters in panic.
“Shut up and look in the mirror.”
Cringing at the command in the voice that he knows too well, he raises his eyes to look.
“Kame?” Jin says, watching the lips of the reflection opposite him mimic that exact word. Dumbfounded, Jin tries raising his arm, and the reflection that is not him raises the corresponding arm. Jin makes a kissy face, and the reflection makes it too, looking very odd because a kissy face was not a common seen expression on the face of reflection that was doing exactly what Jin was doing.
“Figured it out yet?” The Akanishi Jin beside Jin crosses his arms impatiently.
“Kame?” Jin utters again hesitantly, turning to look at the ‘him’ he was standing beside.
“Very good, Jin. NOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!”
And it was only then that Jin realizes that he’s standing in Kame’s bedroom, in Kame’s very pristine apartment.
*
“How….? What…..? I don’t even……” Jin attempts to think, but it’s all too much to absorb without coffee in his system. Wait, why is he craving coffee? He doesn’t have the habit of drinking coffee in the morning.
“I don’t know either. I woke up this morning at 6.30am as usual because I have a production meeting for Going at 8am, and I wanted to go to the gym and get my morning coffee before I start the day, and then I went to the bathroom, only I couldn't at first because the bathroom door wasn’t in its usual place, and then I saw my, I mean, your reflection in the mirror, and I realized I was in your apartment, and I freaked out and froze and……..”
It’s so strange hearing Kame’s paranoid spiels, something that Jin’s very accustomed to, coming out of Jin’s own mouth, in Jin’s own voice. It has been a while since he had heard Kame’s ramblings that in spite of himself and the out-of-this-world predicament they are in, Jin smiles.
“Why are you smiling with my mouth?” Kame stops and asks, brows furrowed.
“Why are you frowning with my forehead?” Jin retorts, feeling a little snappish.
“I’m not frowning. I’m having a little bit of a headache,” Kame squints and continues, “Anyway, so, I worked out that if I’m in your body, most likely you would be in mine, so I washed up and came over. Took me a really long time though. God, Jin, don’t you have anything else besides unwashed jeans and faded hoodies?”
Jin clicks his tongue as Kame stands and pads to the kitchen. Kame works the coffee maker. Somehow, the sound of the machine whirring soothes Jin.
“While you’re in the kitchen, you should take some painkillers. The headache you’re having is a hangover. I partied rather hard last night,” Jin informs a little sheepishly as he gets up to join Kame at the kitchen counter.
It is Kame’s turn to click his tongue. “I should thank my lucky stars, then, that I woke up alone in your apartment instead of some loose woman’s,” Kame spits and Jin prickles but keeps quiet. He’s still trying to wrap his head around the current situation and is in no mood to engage with Kame as he usually would.
Nonetheless, Kame heeds Jin’s advice. Once he downs two tablets, he pours a mug of freshly made coffee and hands it to Jin over the counter.
“My body doesn’t function well without coffee in the morning,” Kame explains as Jin sips the coffee slowly. Kame observes how the ingestion of coffee calms his entire body, even if Jin is in it, and Kame silently resolves to cut down on coffee when and if they get out of this mess. He hopes it’s more “when” than “if”. Kame hates to be dependent, be it to people or to things. Kame pours himself a cup, even as the body that he is in is constantly telling him to go back to bed. God, lazy Jin, Kame complains in his head.
Mid-drink, Jin’s mind suddenly bolts up, whether it’s the coffee or otherwise, and he exclaims, “Wait a minute! You washed up? That means you’ve…er….seen…..er…..”
Raising an eyebrow, a very Kame move on Jin’s facial expression, Kame says over his coffee mug, “It’s nothing I’ve not seen before. We’ve had sex Jin, even if you wish to block it out of your memory.”
“Still, it doesn’t give you the right to look at my naked body without my permission,” Jin huffs and settles into the couch. Kame sighs. Some things never change, Kame thinks, even as he shudders slightly at how Jin is mistreating his body by slouching. Kame sits down beside Jin, knowing full well, from experience, that he has to say the right words to prevent Jin from regressing into a child. The Jin-child typically takes a while to become an adult again, and Kame can’t afford to wait. There are matters to attend to. Except, Kame does not really know what the right words are anymore. It has been too long, and they have changed so much.
“Jin,” Kame begins and becomes a little disconcerted when his own pair of eyes turn to look at him. Kame ploughs on, “I have a schedule today. It’s not as packed as other days, only this meeting that I was supposed to go to this morning that I have pushed till this afternoon, considering the, erm, circumstances….”
“So? What’s it gotta do with me?” Jin says flippantly.
Kame takes a deep breath and fights the urge to give Jin a slap across the face. It isn’t so much that he doesn’t want to hurt Jin, it is more about not scarring his own precious face. “You’re me now, Jin, for goodness knows how long. Until we find a way to reverse this, we have to lead each other’s lives for a while. It’s important I attend this meeting. I have to play an actual game with the Saitama Lions in a couple of days, and I need to know the logistics. There are several players I need to interview…….”
“Solve your own problems, Kamenashi, I have other plans,” Jin snaps as he puts a hand up to shut Kame up. “God, it’s so weird to call my own face ‘Kamenashi’,” he mutters as an afterthought.
“And what exactly is it that you have planned? You seem to be always idling your time away when you’re back in Japan,” Kame’s patience is wearing thin.
“Precisely what you just said. I wish to idle, no, actually, more like bury my head under the covers and sleep till this disaster goes away….”
“Don’t you dare stick my own tongue out at me, Akanishi,” Kame warns and Jin retracts the impulse, surprised that such sternness could even be conjured up in his body.
“Besides,” continues Kame, “what if this is permanent?”
“It wouldn’t be,” Jin denies with less than disguised devastation, “Would it? Oh God! I don’t want to be an anal little prick for the rest of my life!”
Kame pretends to ignore that statement, firstly because he needed Jin to work with him on this, and secondly, it will result in an epic fight that he, and by that, he means Jin in his body, has no time for.
“Jin,” Kame tries again, “please, we have to get on with our lives, and I’ll go for all your schedules too. And, I promise we’ll sit down and figure how to fix this, after you do this thing for me. Please.” Kame musters up the most coaxing look he can with Jin’s features.
The look Kame sees as Jin begrudgingly gives in startles Kame slightly. Is that the look he always has on when he gives in to Jin on every occasion? It looks pretty pathetic from his vantage point.
“Fuck, alright, alright,” Jin ruffles the hair on his head only to feel disconcerted because it wasn’t as thick and coarse as what he is used to, instead, it was soft and wispy, like a distant memory that still stirred something in him.
“Thank you!” Kame springs up and takes Jin by the hand.
“What are you doing?” Jin tries to release himself from Kame’s grip, but Kame’s just that slight bit stronger in his body.
“Helping you wash up and pick your outfit. I don’t trust you to clean my body up, and your sense of fashion, don’t even get me started,” Kame chides as he leads the disgruntled Jin into the bathroom.
*
In the end, Kame has to go with Jin to his meeting. He had attempted to assess Jin’s knowledge of baseball as he tried to get Jin dressed. He had soon given up though, because it became very obvious that Jin had no interest in anything baseball.
“It’s not like you know anything about soccer,” Jin had retorted before complaining as Kame began pulling out a pair of skinny jeans out of the wardrobe, “I refuse to wear those drain-pipes. I don’t like my boys to feel restricted.” Resigned, Kame had reached for a more loose-fitting pair, Kame is best jeanist after all, which is his excuse for having an obscenely huge jeans collection, and tossed it to Jin.
“I at least know who Honda is.”
“That’s different. You think he’s cute. And I know Ichiro, so there!”
“He’s not even playing in Japan, and you only know him because of the beer commercial.”
“Why should I know about baseball? It’s your sport, not mine.”
Suffice to say, Jin had inspired no confidence, which is why Kame finds himself in the passenger seat in his own car with Jin driving, head still throbbing slightly. At least the meeting is at the TV studio, and not the jimusho. Kame doesn’t think he could bring about enough acting prowess to be Jin in from of people who knows them well.
*
The minute they walk into the meeting room, Kame, after greeting everyone, habitually walks up to his usual seat and starts leafing through the stack of production notes.
“Akanishi-san? Akanishi-san?”
“He means you, idiot.”
Kame hears the harsh whisper and realizes what he was doing. He quickly scrambles up and offers the seat to Jin, which Jin sits on very reluctantly.
“Right, now that everyone’s here, we can begin our meeting….” says the producer before pausing.
“Errr….Akanishi-san?”
It still takes Kame a while to realize that the producer was talking to him.
“Yes?”
“Are you planning to stay here with us for this meeting?”
“Errrr...I…kinda….would….erm….” Kame tries to think of a valid reason he has parked himself in the corner of the room, surprised at himself that he hasn’t thought of an excuse for this. He blames Jin’s alcohol-clogged brain for impairing his ability to think on his feet.
“He wanted to learn more about baseball, although why the sudden interest, I have no idea. Is it alright if he stayed?” Jin pipes in, his voice a monotone of boredom and disinterest. Seems like Kame’s brain is working for Jin, at least.
Permission is granted, and fortunately, the meeting goes by without a hitch, with Kame interjecting every now and then to ask pertinent inquiries disguised as innocent baseball questions that Jin would not even think of asking with regards to the filming. Jin sits there and finds himself unconsciously trying to absorb everything. Although he doesn’t have a clue what the hell the baseball terms mean, he is at least able to understand his, or rather, Kame’s schedule for the shoot, which doesn’t help his escalating bad mood. He pictures the look that Kame always has on when he’s supremely pissed off, eyes narrowed, lips pursed thin. Jin’s pretty sure he looks like that now but manages to keep it together, and even summons up a smile for the production team before he storms out of the room after them, refusing to even look at Kame who follows along behind.
Once in the parking lot, Jin turns and points a finger at his own face opposite him.
“This is a one time thing, alright, Kamenashi? I’m going home now to sleep the rest of this horrible day away.”
“It’ll be my apartment then, since you’re sort of me at the moment.”
“Fuck this,” Jin says through gritted teeth as he starts the engine of Kame’s Prius. He waits for Kame to get in before stepping hard on the accelerator, showing just how pissed off he is.
“Thank you.”
Jin hears the words spoken softly. He doesn’t need to look to know that Kame is sitting rim-rod straight, hands griping both sides of the seat - a posture Kame defaults to when he finds things awkward and difficult. Jin merely grunts. “I had better be back in my body tomorrow.”
*
There was this spot in the city that they often go to. It’s a high point that overlooks most of Tokyo. At night, the city lights twinkle and it is both exciting and soothing at the same time. It is amazing how this place has yet to be discovered and turned commercial (Kame had once thought that it would be a perfect spot for a romantic little bistro), but both Jin and Kame were glad that it’s not. This place was their little secret.
They had stumbled onto this place at a photoshoot, one of those Duet, Potato, Myojo mish-mesh, as Jin liked to call it. It was many years ago, when Kame still had bushy eyebrows and Jin, his eternal lopsided grin. They were bored waiting for their turn - Nakamaru was having a nose complex and it was taking a while for the photographer to convince him that his nose did not look big at that angle - so they had snuck off to explore. Jin had scrambled up the slight grassy hill first, turning back to look at Kame who was right behind him.
Both boys stood side by side as they took in the view for the first time. More so than the scenery, what struck them both was the peace and quiet that they felt just by being there, like they were ordinary boys, and all they had to worry about were friends and homework, nothing like their world of competition, manipulation and politics that they were slowly beginning to be more keenly aware and wary of.
Kame used the place more often in the early years. Even at that young age, growing up in the JE jimusho, Kame bore responsibility and experienced stressed much more than his peers. Even though he would never show it at work, if fact, some masochistic part of him even enjoyed the pressure, there were times that he would seek refuge in this little patch of green. Sometimes, Jin would be there as well, but Jin’s problems were always much simpler - girls ignoring his advances, friends drifting apart, parents giving him grief for dropping out of high school - but it never stopped Jin from brooding. The two boys would sit side by side, watching the sunset, witnessing the transformation of the city as day gave way to night. They would barely talk, but ever so often, tips of fingers would brush, seeking comfort in the warm hold of a hand. It didn’t take very long for it to become usual for Jin’s arm to go around Kame’s shoulder while Kame’s head rested on his.
*
Jin can’t sleep. He had spent a good part of what remained of the afternoon tossing and turning in Kame’s, admittedly, very comfortable bed. He begrudges that he doesn’t feel like himself, but what should he expect, he was in Kame’s lighter, more graceful, body. Jin thinks that it must be the reason for being out of character, pushing out thoughts that the bed had a faint scent that triggers something buried deep within, or the thought of how Kame managed to look like Kame even through his own face, with eyes that said so much and nothing at all, at the same time.
Kame had followed Jin up to his apartment, and had started instructing Jin on where things where. Of course, in typical fashion, Jin had been reticent.
“Jin,” Kame had said with thinly veiled exasperation, “you have to listen. What if this is not a one-day thing? We have to be logical. You need to know about me, and I need to know about you.”
“I know enough about you, Kamenashi, to know that I don’t want to know more,” Jin had retorted, immediately regretting the words as soon as they flew out of his, well, Kame’s, lips.
The silence that had followed was chilling. Jin stood his ground however, and watched his own face tighten and become unreadable.
“The feeling’s mutual, Akanishi,” Kame had said quietly before turning on his heels and leaving. But, no matter how controlled he had appeared to be, he couldn’t help but slam the door hard on his way out.
Flinching at the recollection, Jin sits up. He looks around in the dim light of twilight, trying unconsciously to look for something that indicated a past, their past. But, the apartment, just like Kame, is like a locked treasure chest, opulent and extravagant on the outside, taunting everyone with the promise of something more valuable inside, but no one can really know what it is without a key. Jin used to think he was that key, but now, he doesn’t know where he stands with Kame anymore.
He walks up to the mirror and gazes at the face in it, the face that he used to spend hours just looking at. It is so strange to him now, there are lines that weren’t there before, and a general darker countenance. There is something that Jin wishes to see in Kame’s face, however, and he tries to form it. It’s a look that flashes in his memory from time to time, but however much he tries to recreate it in the mirror, it comes out wrong. For a moment, Jin wonders what Kame thinks of when he makes that expression.
“Fuck this.”
The phrase seems to be Jin’s motto for this out-of-this-world and helluva annoying situation that they are in. He walks heavy footed to the kitchen and raids Kame’s wine fridge, picking out the most expensive looking bottle and hugs it back to the bedroom. Kame owes him, Jin rationalizes as he takes a big swig straight from the bottle.
*
Kame had never understood how Jin could live in such a pigsty, and he really doesn’t want to start understanding now. He sighs as he picks up the soiled clothes off the floor, smelling of stale sweat, cigarettes and alcohol. He brings the load to the washer and has to look around for the laundry detergent. Kame clicks his tongue when he finds it in a cabinet filled with old action figurines instead of on the shelf on top of the washer where it should be. As he lets the washer do its job, Kame ties his, or rather, Jin’s, hair up (it was getting into his eyes, and he wonders how on earth can Jin stand it), and begins to tidy up. Kame has always been a little bit of a clean freak, but tidying up Jin’s apartment had been more of a ritual than obsessive compulsiveness in the past, something that was done so often that it activates the auto-pilot mode in him now.
Another thing that Kame cannot understand about Jin is his ability to just shut down and not deal, when things get hard. It has always been a flaw, but Kame thought that Jin would have grown out of it by now, considering everything that has happened. Evidently not, Kame sighs in resignation.
By the time Jin’s apartment is livable by Kame’s standards, Kame, or Kame in Jin’s body, is drenched in perspiration from head to toe. He drags himself to the shower, hoping, against his better mind that things can’t possibly be so easy, that Jin is right, that this supernatural phenomenon has a one-day expiration. He really doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life as Akanishi Jin. It was hard enough to be with him, Kame doesn’t want to imagine how much harder it would be to actually be him.
The hot water steams up the bathroom as Kame stands in front of the mirror, waiting for the bath to fill. He looks at Jin’s body and is both mildly irritated and reassured that it is almost exactly the same as he remembers it, except that Jin has lost weight. Kame brings a hand to touch Jin’s chest, and feels the bumps of his ribs that weren’t present the last time Kame touched Jin. His gaze wanders to Jin’s collarbones. Kame presses a finger to one of them, and feels a slight tingle. He strokes the length of it gently, just like how he remembers doing, and the sensation rests on the cusp of ticklish, but not quite. In fact, it’s rather arousing. Kame smiles and sees Jin smirk back at him in the mirror. So this is how Jin felt when Kame touched him this way. Jin’s body had always reacted quickly to Kame’s touches, and as Kame further explored, Kame realizes he remembers everything about Jin’s body. His fingers graze the spots that like to be grazed, and rub the areas that like to be rubbed. Soon, even before Kame really knows what he is doing, the body he is in is fully turned on, the throbbing ache hard to ignore.
Sinking into the bath, Kame tries to control the sensations. But, if there is anything that Kame knows about Jin, it is Jin’s body. It will never calm down unless it was fully satiated. At the back of Kame’s mind, he is glad that at least something hasn’t changed; there is at least this that connects Kame to Jin. Kame tugs at the erection and closes his eyes, experiencing the reactions of the body that was not his. He flicks his wrist and runs a thumb over the head, just the way Jin used to like it, and feels tension shivers down Jin’s spine as the body arches. The breathing is shallow, and it is weird that both Kame’s mind and Jin’s body know that the end is near. A last pull and twist, and semen joined the bath water. Coming down from the high, Kame buried Jin’s face in his hands, and wondered for the millionth time why.
*
“You’re angry,” young Kame arrived and sat beside Jin on the grassy hill. The Tokyo lights were the same as they always are.
“Of course I am, wouldn’t you be?” Jin replied, his first words to Kame in a week. It seemed like this place was the only place that broke down the wall between them. How the wall came to be in the first place was incomprehensible even to them. Everyday, they were pitted against each other, and no matter how many trials and successes they shared, it was ultimately a competition.
“I don’t want to apologize Jin. All I’ve done is work hard. It’s something that I want. Of course, it would be good if all of you are standing next to me, but if I have to do this alone with Pi, I will.”
“You’re going to leave me behind, Kazuya,” was all Jin said, never taking his eyes away from the night view.
“You’re going to leave first,” Kame predicted with a smile, and placed his head on Jin’s shoulder, just like he always did.
“Let’s be quiet, shall we?” Kame continued. “Our fight will be waiting for us at the jimusho, and you can hate me all you want there. But here, let’s not hate each other here.”
It was then that Jin tilted Kame’s head up, with a finger under Kame’s chin, and brought their lips together - their first kiss.
*
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
Jin opens the door with the biggest scowl he can form on Kame’s face, and succeeds to deepen it when he sees his own face looking at him with disdain. It’s déjà vu and Jin feels sick, aided by the bottle of wine he had consumed the night before.
“I’m still in your body, so I presume you’re still in mine?” Kame asks rhetorically as he pushes past Jin.
“You do realize that it’s your own door you’re trying to break,” Jin mumbles as he plods to the kitchen and looks around.
“Coffee filters in the cabinet above your head,” Kame says as he walks around to see if anything is out of order. He spies a wine bottle rolling on his bedroom floor and walks to pick it up, tongue clicking.
“Aspirin is in the drawer on the left. Take 2, my body doesn’t function with a headache…..JIN! THIS WAS MY MOST EXPENSIVE BOTTLE!” Kame’s screech is even more high pitched with Jin’s voice.
Jin winces as he takes the medication, “Shut up Kame, your head hurts.”
“You deserve more than a headache. If it wasn’t my groin, I would have kneed you in it by now. I can only take comfort that my headaches don’t go away as quickly as yours,” Kame huffs as he sits himself on his couch.
Jin joins him, and is relieved that, contrary to what Kame is bitching about, the medication seems to be working.
A little more comfortable as the pain ebbs, Jin turns to examine his own face, thinking that since Kame was inspecting the apartment, he should inspect something of his.
“Why are you looking at me so suspiciously?” Kame shifts uncomfortably as his own eyes surveys him up and down.
“Why does my face have my after-sex glow?” Jin asks accusingly.
“Your what?!” Kame tries to appear indignant even though he knows exactly what Jin is talking about.
“Kame, I know it’s easy to pick up people with my looks and body, but seriously, I hope you used protection. Please don’t give me back a body riddled with diseases….”
“Shut up! I did not pick anyone up, ok?” Kame defends himself.
“Then how…..don’t tell me…….? Damn, I should have done it too then….” It is completely disconcerting for Kame to see his own perfectly tweezed eyebrows wag at him. He chooses to ignore Jin and takes a deep breath.
“So, schedule for today. I have a meeting with KAT-TUN to discuss plans for our 5th anniversary celebratory concerts. The meeting’s in 2 hours so before you go, let’s run through some main points…..”
“Whoa whoa whoa! What? Who said I was going to do this for you again? It was a one time thing.”
“Jin,” Kame chastises, “You can’t possibly not have anything you want me to do on your behalf. Aren’t you in the midst of a concert tour? You must have rehearsals.”
“I don’t need rehearsals. I’ve done the set so many times, I can hold the concert in my sleep. So, don’t come around and try to manipulate me and……..what did you just say?”
“I said, but I don’t know your songs, and your set list, and I certainly can’t perform your concert in my sleep, so…….”
Jin finally grasps the situation. He groans and sinks further into the couch.
“What’s today’s date?”
“January 18th,” Kame says off the cuff, and Jin starts chanting in his head that this is not happening.
“I have a 3-day run in Osaka starting on the 21st,” Jin says, finally somewhat serious and business-like.
“I know,” Kame nods.
“How do you know? You’ve never even attempted to care about what I do since……” Jin can’t bring himself to complete his sentence.
“I..I…” Kame stutters and then recovers, “Well, your posters are plastered all over the jimusho, it’s hard not to see them.”
“We have to change back by then, Kazuya,” Jin replies, choosing to go with the intimate, hoping the importance of the situation will resound with Kame.
Kame does not need any more emphasis on how important it is for them to switch back, but it isn’t anything he can control.
“What if we don’t, Jin?”
Jin is about to chew on Kame’s nails when Kame slaps the hand away.
*
Jin pulls into the parking lot of the jimusho. As he kills the engine, he takes a second to feel the regret of insisting he come alone for the meeting. He had gone with Kame back to his own apartment, and had given Kame a complete tour of his MacBook, overwhelming Kame with lyrics folders, demo vocals and instrumental recording files, dance choreography videos and graphics of stage layout and props.
“Don’t you need me to follow you around all day? I don’t think you’re capable of handling my life by yourself,” Kame had tried to protest, but Jin would hear none of it.
“I can handle the guys, Kame, I’ve known them for as long as you have, and a meeting with Johnny-san? I’ve had meetings with him before.”
“Yes, but, what if he wants to talk about…….”
“I have your folder that you so meticulously prepared for me,” Jin had raised a blue folder he was holding to make his point, “detailing every possible thing that would come up during both meetings, unless you’re saying you have not been thorough with this?”
“No, it’s thorough……”
“Well, then, I’ll see you later. You had better memorize all the lyrics by the time I’m back.”
Jin had walked to the door, but was stopped by Kame.
“Jin?”
When Jin turned, Kame had said, worry in his voice, “Please, try not to screw up my life. It’s…it’s all that I have now.”
Not really wanting to comprehend what Kame had meant by that, Jin parroted as he shut the door, “My life is all that I have now too.”
The door of the meeting room is surprisingly heavy as he pulls it to face 4 guys he has not seen in at least half a year. He talks to Nakamaru sometimes on Skype when he has a break in between his recordings and dance practice in the States and Nakamaru is up late at night trying to complete his assignments. Jin did not resign from the group on pleasant terms, and he has heard from the grapevine how all the KAT-TUN members, particularly Koki had felt about the whole thing, who is, at the moment the only person in the room.
“Hi Koki, where are the others? Isn’t it almost time? 10am right? Did I get the time wrong?” Jin finds himself babbling, trying to be Kame but overdoing it. This is not what Kame would do, Jin thinks even as he tries to stop the words. Kame would coolly saunter to his seat at the head of the table and glide into it, a friendly but short greeting on his lips.
“Kame-chan!” Koki exclaims, looking up from the jacket he’s sewing gold sequins on. This is expected from Koki, inside all the gangster is actually a jovial clown. What Jin does not expect is for Koki to lunge at him, and bury his studded tongue in his mouth. Jin pushes Koki roughly away and wipes his, or rather, Kame’s, lips with the back of his hand.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” Jin shouts, and is about to go on a rampage when Koki interrupts.
“What? Is the meeting room not hot enough for you? When we did it in the practice room, you had no complaints,” Koki smirks lasciviously and Jin shudders.
“W-wh-at?” Jin manages as he stumbles backwards a little.
Koki’s look drops and turns into one filled with concern, “Are you alright, Kame-chan? You look a little pale. Have you had your coffee?”
Absentmindedly, Jin shakes his head.
Koki smiles, “I’ll get it for you, and hopefully, the others will not be here when I get back, and we can talk about it being my place tonight?”
Thank goodness Koki does not wait for response, because Jin doesn’t know what he would have said. Jin tries not to grimace as Koki gives him a peck on the cheek before leaving the room. Since when, Jin thinks. Since when has Kame been sleeping with Koki?
When Koki comes back, Jin is no longer alone. The other 3 had arrived and were in their own corner doing their own thing. It’s like how it has always been, the comfort in silence, being with KAT-TUN, a synergy created purely by the fact that their fates were tied to each other, until one of them decided to break that tie, that is.
Koki places the coffee cup in front of him. Jin feels like he should say something, there is an expectant look in Koki’s eyes, so Jin says this in a low voice, unsure of how much the others know of their relationship, “Not tonight,” before taking a sip from the cup.
The meeting begins once their manager and the production director shows up. Jin is silent for most of it, partly due to old habits, partly because he slightly resents Kame being with Koki and is feeling a little vengeful.
“Kame? What do you think?”
“Hmmm…..? Oh, do what you see fit. Just tell me when it’s time to plan for my solo section.”
Taguchi breaks out in laughter, “Kame, what the hell? You sound exactly like Jin!”
“I guess I do, huh?” Jin tries to laugh along.
“Seriously, Kamenashi, we need your input on this. We can’t go ahead unless you agree,” says the production director, and all eyes are on Jin.
When was it that Kame became the person who made all the executive decisions for KAT-TUN? Has it always been the case? Had he always blanked out during these, what he deemed boring, meetings that he never realized the power Kame wields?
“Try not to screw up my life Jin. It’s all that I have now.” Kame’s words rings in Jin’s ears, and as much as Jin is a renegade, the compulsion to do right by Kame has always been there, whether Jin likes it or not, whether Jin succeeds or not. He takes a deep breath and focuses, and hopes that he’s being “Kame” enough that is convincing.
*
“Kame, wait up!”
The meeting is over and Jin is on the way to the top floor to see Johnny. He turns to see Maru jogging after him. Thank God it’s not Koki. He had seen the disappointed look in Koki’s eyes when he left straight after, without so much as a “see you”, but Jin just couldn’t bring himself to.
“Maru, wassup man?” Jin pauses to wait for Maru to catch up.
“Since when do you call me ‘Maru’? Only Jin calls me that,” Nakamaru comments discernably.
“I…hmmm…” Shit, Jin thinks.
“It’s true then,” Nakamaru says next.
“What’s true?” Jin reaches up to rub Kame’s nose with his knuckle, but stops as soon as he realizes that it is his habit when he’s nervous, not Kame’s. Kame sort of shuffles, and runs his tongue over his lower lip.
“Someone told me that he saw you with Jin at the TV station yesterday. Since when have you guys started hanging out again?”
“Erm…..recently, I guess,” Jin tells the truth and fidgets the way Kame would.
Unexpectedly, Nakamaru gives him a hug.
“What’s that for?” Jin asks, surprised.
“Nothing,” Nakamaru smiles, “It’s about time, that’s all. Just…..” He hesitates a little and Jin arches Kame’s eyebrows in anticipation.
“Just?”
“Don’t break each other’s hearts again, and find a way to tell Koki that doesn’t lead him to cracking Jin’s ribs,” Nakamaru chuckles, although the last bit of his sentence is lost to Jin.
What heart? There was no heartbreak. Was there? Jin wants to ask more, but Nakamaru is already halfway down the corridor after giving Jin a rather brotherly pat on the shoulder.
*
“Ah, Kamenashi-kun, come in and take a seat,” Johnny beckons and as Jin walks up to the large mahogany desk, he thinks that he’s been in Johnny’s office too many times in the past year as compared to his entire bondage to JE for his own good.
Jin had been standing stunned where Nakamaru had left him for a good few minutes, fighting the urge to run back and confront Kame. His relationship with Kame has always been somewhat of a confusion for Jin, but over the years, Jin had come to accept that confusion as part of him. Now, this extra knowledge that Nakamaru had unwittingly bestowed upon Jin resurfaces that confusion in a whirlwind. The only thing that had stopped him is that he would not know what to say, just like how he never knows what to say to Kame.
“Let’s get down to business, shall we?” Johnny is all sternness and Jin snaps out of his daze.
“The Going sports programme is going well. I think I have created a good rapport with the producers. I think I can really bring the programme up to the next level. And, the 5th anniversary preparations are in order, we just had a meeting and……” Jin recites exactly what is in the folder, a list of things Kame predicts Johnny would talk to him about.
Johnny interrupts by holding his wrinkled, liver-spotted hand up.
“I don’t need a blow-by-blow report, Kamenashi-kun. I get it in writing from your manager, and I’m glad you’re doing well. But, you’re here because I want to talk about Akanishi.”
He wants to talk about me? To Kame? Jin misses a breath.
“As you know, we are experimenting with Akanishi-kun to see if we can succeed in the Western market. To be honest, I had my doubts that he would succeed.”
Jin prickles at that statement, but holds his tongue.
“But, he’s proving me wrong. That boy, always almost giving me heart attacks, but comes through in his own self-centred way in the end,” Johnny cackles with affection.
“What’s this go to do with Ka…I mean, me, Johnny-san?”
“Well, not only you in particular, but KAT-TUN too. JE is going to be investing a lot in Akanishi and his overseas activities this year, and as such, even though it is KAT-TUN’s 5th anniversary, something’s got to give, Kamenashi-kun.”
Jin is silent. What could he say in a situation such as this?
“I knew you would be displeased, Kamenashi-kun, particularly after your reaction 6 months ago…..”
How did Kame react 6 months ago? All Jin can remember is that Kame completely shut down, refusing to even meet him in the eye. Not that it mattered, their relationship was already in shreds by then.
“….I thought I should tell you this personally, although your managers already know. Don’t worry, It’ll still be a high profile anniversary celebration, just not as high as we had initially planned it to be. The public won’t know the difference…..”
Johnny takes Jin’s silence to mean Kame’s resentment.
“Kamenashi-kun?”
Jin forces himself to look up.
“I know it’s my fault for always making it a competition between you and Akanishi, but you, more than Akanishi, needed that push. You wouldn’t be where you are now if I didn’t, would you?”
Jin nods, he knows all about it. He’s felt the competition with Kame for as long as he can remember. But, even now, he thinks, at what cost? He wants to get the hell out Johnny’s office, but it seems like the old man isn’t finished. Jin braces himself.
“Besides, I hope you realize that Akanishi is where he is today because of you. I have not forgotten the times you’ve come running to me to beg me to give him a second chance. How you said you would stay so that he could go. I had so many plans for you Kamenashi-kun, but you chose to give them up because of him. Why are you resenting him now? Are the both of you even friends anymore?”
Johnny swivels his large leather chair slightly to look at a picture on his wall of fame, where he displayed all his stars. There is one picture, of them both, taken slightly after debut, before things were destroyed beyond repair - arms around each other’s shoulders, eyes sparkling, and smiles that could go on forever.
Jin follows Johnny’s gaze, his mind a messy web. What did Kame have to give up? How many revelations must he have about Kame in a day? The boys in the picture look so much like best friends, but Jin knows that it’s only the surface. Underneath, they didn’t, and still don’t, know what they were to each other.
*
The jingle of keys at the door jolts Kame from his space-out. He had spent the better part of the day in front of Jin’s computer, save for a little break when he decided to reward himself with a lunch that consisted more than stale onigiris found in Jin’s fridge. Kame had memorized the stage layout, it was not hard, Kame had been doing this most of his life, and sometimes with even less lead time than this. The dance choreography was a little harder. The technicality of the steps he could grasp, but he wasn’t sure he could deliver until he remembers that he is in Jin’s body. He tried a few moves, following the videos, and is amazed at the fluidity of Jin’s body, something Kame has always envied. What Jin lacks in discipline and ability to follow instructions, Jin has the innate groove that makes up for it. His body simply feels the music, there’s no other way to explain it.
Learning the songs is proving to be a challenge. Kame cannot wrap his brain around the heavy beats and the running melodies, not to mention the English lyrics. Kame is trying, but he just can’t get it. And the Japanese songs in the set list, he can’t bring himself to look at them. Each song evokes a memory that is so strong it overpowers his emotions. The older songs, he can at least summon the strength to handle, but the last song. He just can’t.
“Jin. You’re home,” Kame looks up as his own figure stops at the genkan to remove his shoes.
Jin merely grunts as he steps in, the day’s revelations still sinking in. It’s a wonder he managed to drive back safely the mental state that he’s in. He tosses a look at the corner of the living area and sees a huge mountain of paper bags. He heaves a sigh.
“Been shopping, I see?” Jin doesn’t even have the energy to really be mad at Kame.
“I was out for lunch, and I thought you could use more clothes than what you have in your closet, particularly if I have to keep being you. I don’t think I can wear hoodies and jeans for the rest of my, I mean, your life,” Kame explains, feeling a little guilty at his expenditure even though he tells himself he shouldn’t.
“And whose money did you use?” Jin asks even as he knows the answer. “I recall that I have Kamenashi Kazuya’s wallet in my back pocket, and I believe Akanishi Jin’s is in yours.”
Kame is sheepish, “I’ll do a bank transfer.”
“Whatever, I don’t really care about it right now,” Jin does what he does best, which is to sink into the couch.
“How was my day?” Kame interrogates, more than a little worried, particularly seeing the weariness on Jin’s face.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were sleeping with Koki? Didn’t it cross your mind that it’s folder-worthy information? At least I would be prepared when he sticks his tongue stud into my, oh wait, your mouth,” Jin is as sarcastic as he can get as he lays his heavy head at the end of the couch and stretches out.
“Oh, sorry. I forgot he does that,” Kame shrugs, as though it doesn’t matter.
“Are you guys dating? Because if you are, I’m going to break up with him tomorrow. I don’t think I can manage having sex with him on top of all your shit I have to deal with!” Jin finally snaps.
“He’s just……someone I sleep with, alright? No big deal. Just say you’re busy. He accepts that.”
“Some things never change,” Jin snorts.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means?”
Jin can feel Kame glaring at him even with his eyes closed. Strange that in his mind, he can draw up that exact look.
“You know what? Forget it,” Jin says after a length of time. “Your day went fine, the 5th anniversary preparations are going well. I said all you wanted me to say, and everyone agreed with you.”
“How was the meeting with Johnny-san? What did he want?” Kame probes further.
“Nothing much, he just wanted to tell you that the 5th anniversary activities are going to be very high profile, so you have to lead KAT-TUN well,” Jin lies. He can’t bring himself to tell the truth.
“Really?” Jin can see that Kame doesn’t quite believe him, but is relieved when Kame drops it. “Is that all? He could just have sent a memo.”
“Did you finish learning the songs?” Jin changes the subject before Kame changes his mind and digs deeper.
Kame stands up from the computer and sits at the end of the couch. Kame examines his own feet next to him, and wonders if he should tell Jin to give his toenails a cut.
“Well?” Jin waits.
“I’m sorry, Jin, I tried, but I can’t remember them. It’s not like Japanese lyrics where once I understand the story behind the song, remembering the lyrics becomes a breeze. I don’t understand most of what you have written. I can’t, I’m sorry,” Kame apologizes.
One thing that Jin appreciates in Kame is that he apologizes when an apology is due. It is a sentiment that Jin hasn’t really mastered, Jin is well aware of this shortcoming. Jin thinks that he owes Kame a lot of apologies over the years, and even today, all the more, with the bits and pieces he’s starting to piece together, he feels like he needs to apologize, but for some reason, he just can’t.
Instead, he emits another sigh. He sits up and grabs his MacBook, and walks towards the door.
“You coming?” he turns to Kame.
“Where are we going?” Kame stands and grabs a newly bought down jacket.
“I’m buying you dinner with your money, and I’m going to tell you stories,” Jin replies as he walks out the door.
*
Kame had always known that his friend Jin had big dreams. On the grassy patch overlooking Tokyo, Jin would talk and Kame would listen. Jin talked about spreading his wings, learning new things, meeting new people. Jin talked about singing and dancing on different stages around the world. Jin talked about complete autonomy to make his own music, to decide his own schedule, to plan his own life, something that they have never experienced in the jimusho. Jin talked about the freedom that they both felt being in their secret spot together, how, even though nice, is not enough. Jin talked about how he wanted to just be free, one day, eventually.
Kame always sat and listened, but never quite fully understanding. In all his life, Kame only had one dream, but that dream was yanked away from him the day he signed on the dotted line with the jimusho. Kame never complained though, at least not out loud like Jin. And unlike Jin, who went on to other ambitions once any chance of making into a pro-soccer team was extinguished, Kame was content with his lot. Kame’s wants were simple -to just do well in this job he had come to love, a job that saw to it that Kame and his family could live comfortably with extra benefits thrown in. This life, this world he lived in, was more than enough for Kame.
As Jin talked, Kame often found himself wishing sometimes that this world would be enough for Jin too, but then, Jin wouldn’t be Jin if it were. As Kame listened, lying on the green grass with his hands behind his head, it became increasingly clear that his world might not be enough for him if Jin wasn’t in it.
*
Each of Jin’s songs has a story behind it. Kame had forgotten just how colourful Jin’s stories are, and how much he really enjoys listening to him. It is not hard to fall back into old habits, of Kame just listening as Jin talks.
Jin had driven them to a rather posh restaurant bar somewhere in Akasaka. “I’m exploiting your credit card after all,” Jin had said, “besides, people are less likely to recognize us in places like this, and we can sit here for hours, and we need the hours.” Kame had to admit that Jin is right. Besides, Kame is used to splurging on good food. It is one of the luxuries his life has afforded him.
Kame tries hard not to give Jin the satisfaction of a smile when Jin’s passion for his own music shines through. For the first time in a long time, Jin is actually content with his work, and, despite everything that could have been, Kame finds that he cannot really hate Jin for it, even though it is not something he wants other people to know about. The only thing that disturbs Kame about the stories he is hearing is the notion that Jin has this whole other life that he doesn’t exist in. Jin is seeing things without him, going places without him, and it makes Kame a little sad.
They stay till the restaurant closes, Jin insisting that Kame repeat after him his English lyrics word for word. It continues on the drive back and a couple more hours in Jin’s apartment. It is in the wee hours of the morning that Jin is finally satisfied with Kame’s accent and diction, and calls it a night.
Eyeing the empty cans of beer on the coffee table with one eye, and Jin who sways slightly as he stands and stretches with the other, Kame says something that he never thought he would ever say again.
“Why don’t you stay for the night? You can’t drive.”
“Your body has pussy alchohol tolerance, Kamenashi,” Jin answers good-naturedly as he shows his acceptance of Kame’s offer by sitting back down next to him. “It’s a little weird to be asked to stay the night in my own apartment, though,” Jin lolls his head to look at Kame. Kame just stares, himself a little buzzed, but not as bad as how Jin appears to be. For a moment, Kame forgets that he’s staring into his own face, the expression in his eyes that Jin manages to summon up looking so much like how Jin used to look at him. The air is thick for a moment, and Kame swallows.
“Damn,” Jin chuckles, slicing through the heaviness, “I am one handsome fella!” Kame hits Jin on the shoulder, but not very hard. He doesn’t want to injure his own self after all.
“I’m not so bad myself,” Kame retorts as he stands up after gathering the beer cans and walks to dump them in Jin’s recycling bin. Turning back, he sees that Jin has made himself comfortable on the couch, as usual.
“Why don’t you take the bed, Jin? I’m sure your body is more accustomed to sprawling on your couch than my body ever will be.”
“Nah, your body fits better than mine. There’s more space around it. Besides, I know how grumpy you can get if you don’t sleep on a proper bed,” Jin yawns, and Kame brings a pillow and a blanket out from the bedroom.
He watches as Jin tucks himself in, a question on his lips. Spending the entire evening listening to Jin’s stories, a slow realization had bubbled to the surface. Kame does not doubt that Jin’s songs are inspired by his personal experiences, but there seems to be something missing, particularly in the English songs that Jin had been coaching him on all night. It’s as though the songs are not the whole truth, that there is something else Jin wants to say.
“Jin?”
“Hmmm?” Jin is already halfway to falling asleep.
“Why didn’t we go through your Japanese songs today?”
Kame thinks that Jin has already fallen asleep when he received no answer for a couple of seconds. He shrugs and walks to the bedroom, but stops when he hears Jin cryptic answer, whispered softly. “They are stories that you already know.”
What on earth did Jin mean by that?
*
Part 2
By: blinkbling24
Pairings: akame, slight kokame
Word count: ~17,500
Rating: light NC-17
Warnings: Not beta-ed, so please forgive the accidental grammar and spelling mistakes :p
Notes: For Saki. I really hope you like it, at least a little. This fic is somewhat inspired by the Korean drama, Secret Garden, although I have only taken the concept, and not the plot. The plot is tailor-made for Jin and Kame. Also, it’s pertinent that you know the lyrics to Jin’s Eternal to truly appreciate this story.
Also, I should probably say that this fic is not as tight as I would like it. It was a challenge for me to write something like that from the start. And then, a devastating earthquake does sort of take away one’s inspiration and dislodge one’s priorities, making it all the more difficult. But, I’m glad I managed to finish this, and even if it’s not entirely to my satisfaction, it is still close to my heart. If you find it lacking, I’m apologize *bows*
Summary: Because of a mysterious and somewhat annoying circumstance, both Jin and Kame realize new things about who they are to each other.
----------------------------
It is the last day of Jin’s show in Saitama and Kame is sitting in the bad seats area of the venue, having snuck in just a minute ago, 5 minutes before the show starts, disguised and looking somewhat like a terrorist with a scarf covering almost all his face, and big dark sunglasses. Kame has no idea what possessed him to come and watch Jin perform. He had long given up caring about anything Jin does.
It was the mention from Ueda perhaps, when they had bumped into each other earlier in the day with Kame on the way out of the jimusho gym, and Ueda on the way in.
“Just thought you might want to know that Jin’s back, and has been back for sometime.” Why Ueda thought he needed to be informed of that, Kame had no clue.
“So?” Kame had responded nonchalantly, pretending he did not know that Jin is not only back, but also in the middle of a nationwide tour.
“Nothing. I just overheard some juniors say they were thinking of going to his show again tonight. Said it was fun, different. Maybe KAT-TUN should show our support too? Make it a bonding trip to Osaka or something.”
“Maybe,” Kame had said, not really committing. “Good luck convincing Koki,” was his last shot to Ueda before they parted ways.
The knowledge of Jin’s show had plagued him from then on, so much so that he found himself walking, disguised of course, the narrow lane in Harajuku just 2 hours before the concert. The price of the ticket was crazy exorbitant, but Kame found himself paying for it.
He hasn’t seen Jin in a long time, and maybe it is not wise to see him like this, the centre of attention, holding the fort all by himself. Being successful, all by himself. It’s not that Kame is jealous, Kame can hold the audience just as well, or even better, than Jin can, Kame understands the fundamentals of fan service too well. It’s not that Kame begrudges Jin of success. It’s nothing like that. In fact, he wishes Jin all the success in the world. When Kame really thinks about it, even if he chooses not to, it boils down to not being part of it all, not being part of Jin’s life, not anymore.
The show is as spectacular as Kame expects it to be. He feels a choke in his throat as he acknowledges that Jin’s dreams are slowly coming true, dreams that Kame know so much about. But, as Kame watches, he feels something else too. It is nothing obvious. It just seems like Jin knows he is there. Impossible, Kame thinks. There are so many faces. Why is it then, that he feels Jin’s eyes searching, even though hidden in the shadows of his fedora, for someone?
Kame has heard the song before, Pi had been humming it for weeks after he did that duet with Jin at his own solo concert. It never meant anything to Kame, not until this very moment. Jin is hovering way above the crowd, singing as though this song means everything to him. The whole show was full of gimmicks and fantastic effects, and Jin looked great, but it is here, right now, when Jin stripped bare of everything but his voice, that is so mesmerizingly beautiful. Kame cannot tear his eyes away, recognizing for the first time in a long time the Jin that he knows.
For a moment, Kame is sure that Jin is looking straight at him. The lyrics of the song swim around him and his chest suddenly feels tight. Jin seems to also be feeling something, his voice wavers a little, only noticed by Kame, but Kame is not sure. Something seems to be there, but not, at the same time. Kame doesn’t want to stay to find out what this strange vibe is. He stands just as Jin’s crane swings away, and walks out to the tune of Eternal in his ears.
*
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“hhhuuurrggghhh???” Jin stirs and pries his eyes open.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“W-what??” Jin begins to come to himself as he sits up in bed.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“W-who???” Jin stumbles out of the bedroom, bumping into things as he approaches the door. He’s still somewhat asleep.
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
“JESUS! I’M COMING!” Jin yells as he reaches for the knob and swings the front door open forcefully, all ready to spill a stream of vulgarities at the person who has the audacity to wake him up so early in the morning, never mind that it is already almost 10am.
“There had better be a damn good reason……” Jin stops short as he reels at what he sees, so shocked that he stumbles back and trips on the step that separates the genkan from the living area that he never knew he had.
*
“This must be a dream, this must be a dream, this must be a dream…OWWWWW!!” Jin, who had been crouched in a fetal position and rocking on the spot at the exact place he had fallen, is now protesting and rubbing his arm where his visitor had pinched him.
“Damn it, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s going to bruise. I bruise too easily.”
At the sound of the voice he had heard in his head all his life, Jin looks up and stares straight into familiar eyes, eyes he sees everyday when he looks in the mirror, except that this time, those eyes had on a look that Jin had never ever seen before in them. On another person’s eyes, however……..
Jin almost cowers when this person he now recognizes as his exact replica hauls him up and drags him to the bedroom.
“Wait a minute! What are you doing? Are you my long lost brother? Mum never mentioned that I was the other half of twins! Reio’s going to have a fit! What do you want? Money? I’m not rich you know. Contrary to popular belief, idols don’t get paid very much, and I’m broke……” Jin sputters in panic.
“Shut up and look in the mirror.”
Cringing at the command in the voice that he knows too well, he raises his eyes to look.
“Kame?” Jin says, watching the lips of the reflection opposite him mimic that exact word. Dumbfounded, Jin tries raising his arm, and the reflection that is not him raises the corresponding arm. Jin makes a kissy face, and the reflection makes it too, looking very odd because a kissy face was not a common seen expression on the face of reflection that was doing exactly what Jin was doing.
“Figured it out yet?” The Akanishi Jin beside Jin crosses his arms impatiently.
“Kame?” Jin utters again hesitantly, turning to look at the ‘him’ he was standing beside.
“Very good, Jin. NOW, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!”
And it was only then that Jin realizes that he’s standing in Kame’s bedroom, in Kame’s very pristine apartment.
*
“How….? What…..? I don’t even……” Jin attempts to think, but it’s all too much to absorb without coffee in his system. Wait, why is he craving coffee? He doesn’t have the habit of drinking coffee in the morning.
“I don’t know either. I woke up this morning at 6.30am as usual because I have a production meeting for Going at 8am, and I wanted to go to the gym and get my morning coffee before I start the day, and then I went to the bathroom, only I couldn't at first because the bathroom door wasn’t in its usual place, and then I saw my, I mean, your reflection in the mirror, and I realized I was in your apartment, and I freaked out and froze and……..”
It’s so strange hearing Kame’s paranoid spiels, something that Jin’s very accustomed to, coming out of Jin’s own mouth, in Jin’s own voice. It has been a while since he had heard Kame’s ramblings that in spite of himself and the out-of-this-world predicament they are in, Jin smiles.
“Why are you smiling with my mouth?” Kame stops and asks, brows furrowed.
“Why are you frowning with my forehead?” Jin retorts, feeling a little snappish.
“I’m not frowning. I’m having a little bit of a headache,” Kame squints and continues, “Anyway, so, I worked out that if I’m in your body, most likely you would be in mine, so I washed up and came over. Took me a really long time though. God, Jin, don’t you have anything else besides unwashed jeans and faded hoodies?”
Jin clicks his tongue as Kame stands and pads to the kitchen. Kame works the coffee maker. Somehow, the sound of the machine whirring soothes Jin.
“While you’re in the kitchen, you should take some painkillers. The headache you’re having is a hangover. I partied rather hard last night,” Jin informs a little sheepishly as he gets up to join Kame at the kitchen counter.
It is Kame’s turn to click his tongue. “I should thank my lucky stars, then, that I woke up alone in your apartment instead of some loose woman’s,” Kame spits and Jin prickles but keeps quiet. He’s still trying to wrap his head around the current situation and is in no mood to engage with Kame as he usually would.
Nonetheless, Kame heeds Jin’s advice. Once he downs two tablets, he pours a mug of freshly made coffee and hands it to Jin over the counter.
“My body doesn’t function well without coffee in the morning,” Kame explains as Jin sips the coffee slowly. Kame observes how the ingestion of coffee calms his entire body, even if Jin is in it, and Kame silently resolves to cut down on coffee when and if they get out of this mess. He hopes it’s more “when” than “if”. Kame hates to be dependent, be it to people or to things. Kame pours himself a cup, even as the body that he is in is constantly telling him to go back to bed. God, lazy Jin, Kame complains in his head.
Mid-drink, Jin’s mind suddenly bolts up, whether it’s the coffee or otherwise, and he exclaims, “Wait a minute! You washed up? That means you’ve…er….seen…..er…..”
Raising an eyebrow, a very Kame move on Jin’s facial expression, Kame says over his coffee mug, “It’s nothing I’ve not seen before. We’ve had sex Jin, even if you wish to block it out of your memory.”
“Still, it doesn’t give you the right to look at my naked body without my permission,” Jin huffs and settles into the couch. Kame sighs. Some things never change, Kame thinks, even as he shudders slightly at how Jin is mistreating his body by slouching. Kame sits down beside Jin, knowing full well, from experience, that he has to say the right words to prevent Jin from regressing into a child. The Jin-child typically takes a while to become an adult again, and Kame can’t afford to wait. There are matters to attend to. Except, Kame does not really know what the right words are anymore. It has been too long, and they have changed so much.
“Jin,” Kame begins and becomes a little disconcerted when his own pair of eyes turn to look at him. Kame ploughs on, “I have a schedule today. It’s not as packed as other days, only this meeting that I was supposed to go to this morning that I have pushed till this afternoon, considering the, erm, circumstances….”
“So? What’s it gotta do with me?” Jin says flippantly.
Kame takes a deep breath and fights the urge to give Jin a slap across the face. It isn’t so much that he doesn’t want to hurt Jin, it is more about not scarring his own precious face. “You’re me now, Jin, for goodness knows how long. Until we find a way to reverse this, we have to lead each other’s lives for a while. It’s important I attend this meeting. I have to play an actual game with the Saitama Lions in a couple of days, and I need to know the logistics. There are several players I need to interview…….”
“Solve your own problems, Kamenashi, I have other plans,” Jin snaps as he puts a hand up to shut Kame up. “God, it’s so weird to call my own face ‘Kamenashi’,” he mutters as an afterthought.
“And what exactly is it that you have planned? You seem to be always idling your time away when you’re back in Japan,” Kame’s patience is wearing thin.
“Precisely what you just said. I wish to idle, no, actually, more like bury my head under the covers and sleep till this disaster goes away….”
“Don’t you dare stick my own tongue out at me, Akanishi,” Kame warns and Jin retracts the impulse, surprised that such sternness could even be conjured up in his body.
“Besides,” continues Kame, “what if this is permanent?”
“It wouldn’t be,” Jin denies with less than disguised devastation, “Would it? Oh God! I don’t want to be an anal little prick for the rest of my life!”
Kame pretends to ignore that statement, firstly because he needed Jin to work with him on this, and secondly, it will result in an epic fight that he, and by that, he means Jin in his body, has no time for.
“Jin,” Kame tries again, “please, we have to get on with our lives, and I’ll go for all your schedules too. And, I promise we’ll sit down and figure how to fix this, after you do this thing for me. Please.” Kame musters up the most coaxing look he can with Jin’s features.
The look Kame sees as Jin begrudgingly gives in startles Kame slightly. Is that the look he always has on when he gives in to Jin on every occasion? It looks pretty pathetic from his vantage point.
“Fuck, alright, alright,” Jin ruffles the hair on his head only to feel disconcerted because it wasn’t as thick and coarse as what he is used to, instead, it was soft and wispy, like a distant memory that still stirred something in him.
“Thank you!” Kame springs up and takes Jin by the hand.
“What are you doing?” Jin tries to release himself from Kame’s grip, but Kame’s just that slight bit stronger in his body.
“Helping you wash up and pick your outfit. I don’t trust you to clean my body up, and your sense of fashion, don’t even get me started,” Kame chides as he leads the disgruntled Jin into the bathroom.
*
In the end, Kame has to go with Jin to his meeting. He had attempted to assess Jin’s knowledge of baseball as he tried to get Jin dressed. He had soon given up though, because it became very obvious that Jin had no interest in anything baseball.
“It’s not like you know anything about soccer,” Jin had retorted before complaining as Kame began pulling out a pair of skinny jeans out of the wardrobe, “I refuse to wear those drain-pipes. I don’t like my boys to feel restricted.” Resigned, Kame had reached for a more loose-fitting pair, Kame is best jeanist after all, which is his excuse for having an obscenely huge jeans collection, and tossed it to Jin.
“I at least know who Honda is.”
“That’s different. You think he’s cute. And I know Ichiro, so there!”
“He’s not even playing in Japan, and you only know him because of the beer commercial.”
“Why should I know about baseball? It’s your sport, not mine.”
Suffice to say, Jin had inspired no confidence, which is why Kame finds himself in the passenger seat in his own car with Jin driving, head still throbbing slightly. At least the meeting is at the TV studio, and not the jimusho. Kame doesn’t think he could bring about enough acting prowess to be Jin in from of people who knows them well.
*
The minute they walk into the meeting room, Kame, after greeting everyone, habitually walks up to his usual seat and starts leafing through the stack of production notes.
“Akanishi-san? Akanishi-san?”
“He means you, idiot.”
Kame hears the harsh whisper and realizes what he was doing. He quickly scrambles up and offers the seat to Jin, which Jin sits on very reluctantly.
“Right, now that everyone’s here, we can begin our meeting….” says the producer before pausing.
“Errr….Akanishi-san?”
It still takes Kame a while to realize that the producer was talking to him.
“Yes?”
“Are you planning to stay here with us for this meeting?”
“Errrr...I…kinda….would….erm….” Kame tries to think of a valid reason he has parked himself in the corner of the room, surprised at himself that he hasn’t thought of an excuse for this. He blames Jin’s alcohol-clogged brain for impairing his ability to think on his feet.
“He wanted to learn more about baseball, although why the sudden interest, I have no idea. Is it alright if he stayed?” Jin pipes in, his voice a monotone of boredom and disinterest. Seems like Kame’s brain is working for Jin, at least.
Permission is granted, and fortunately, the meeting goes by without a hitch, with Kame interjecting every now and then to ask pertinent inquiries disguised as innocent baseball questions that Jin would not even think of asking with regards to the filming. Jin sits there and finds himself unconsciously trying to absorb everything. Although he doesn’t have a clue what the hell the baseball terms mean, he is at least able to understand his, or rather, Kame’s schedule for the shoot, which doesn’t help his escalating bad mood. He pictures the look that Kame always has on when he’s supremely pissed off, eyes narrowed, lips pursed thin. Jin’s pretty sure he looks like that now but manages to keep it together, and even summons up a smile for the production team before he storms out of the room after them, refusing to even look at Kame who follows along behind.
Once in the parking lot, Jin turns and points a finger at his own face opposite him.
“This is a one time thing, alright, Kamenashi? I’m going home now to sleep the rest of this horrible day away.”
“It’ll be my apartment then, since you’re sort of me at the moment.”
“Fuck this,” Jin says through gritted teeth as he starts the engine of Kame’s Prius. He waits for Kame to get in before stepping hard on the accelerator, showing just how pissed off he is.
“Thank you.”
Jin hears the words spoken softly. He doesn’t need to look to know that Kame is sitting rim-rod straight, hands griping both sides of the seat - a posture Kame defaults to when he finds things awkward and difficult. Jin merely grunts. “I had better be back in my body tomorrow.”
*
There was this spot in the city that they often go to. It’s a high point that overlooks most of Tokyo. At night, the city lights twinkle and it is both exciting and soothing at the same time. It is amazing how this place has yet to be discovered and turned commercial (Kame had once thought that it would be a perfect spot for a romantic little bistro), but both Jin and Kame were glad that it’s not. This place was their little secret.
They had stumbled onto this place at a photoshoot, one of those Duet, Potato, Myojo mish-mesh, as Jin liked to call it. It was many years ago, when Kame still had bushy eyebrows and Jin, his eternal lopsided grin. They were bored waiting for their turn - Nakamaru was having a nose complex and it was taking a while for the photographer to convince him that his nose did not look big at that angle - so they had snuck off to explore. Jin had scrambled up the slight grassy hill first, turning back to look at Kame who was right behind him.
Both boys stood side by side as they took in the view for the first time. More so than the scenery, what struck them both was the peace and quiet that they felt just by being there, like they were ordinary boys, and all they had to worry about were friends and homework, nothing like their world of competition, manipulation and politics that they were slowly beginning to be more keenly aware and wary of.
Kame used the place more often in the early years. Even at that young age, growing up in the JE jimusho, Kame bore responsibility and experienced stressed much more than his peers. Even though he would never show it at work, if fact, some masochistic part of him even enjoyed the pressure, there were times that he would seek refuge in this little patch of green. Sometimes, Jin would be there as well, but Jin’s problems were always much simpler - girls ignoring his advances, friends drifting apart, parents giving him grief for dropping out of high school - but it never stopped Jin from brooding. The two boys would sit side by side, watching the sunset, witnessing the transformation of the city as day gave way to night. They would barely talk, but ever so often, tips of fingers would brush, seeking comfort in the warm hold of a hand. It didn’t take very long for it to become usual for Jin’s arm to go around Kame’s shoulder while Kame’s head rested on his.
*
Jin can’t sleep. He had spent a good part of what remained of the afternoon tossing and turning in Kame’s, admittedly, very comfortable bed. He begrudges that he doesn’t feel like himself, but what should he expect, he was in Kame’s lighter, more graceful, body. Jin thinks that it must be the reason for being out of character, pushing out thoughts that the bed had a faint scent that triggers something buried deep within, or the thought of how Kame managed to look like Kame even through his own face, with eyes that said so much and nothing at all, at the same time.
Kame had followed Jin up to his apartment, and had started instructing Jin on where things where. Of course, in typical fashion, Jin had been reticent.
“Jin,” Kame had said with thinly veiled exasperation, “you have to listen. What if this is not a one-day thing? We have to be logical. You need to know about me, and I need to know about you.”
“I know enough about you, Kamenashi, to know that I don’t want to know more,” Jin had retorted, immediately regretting the words as soon as they flew out of his, well, Kame’s, lips.
The silence that had followed was chilling. Jin stood his ground however, and watched his own face tighten and become unreadable.
“The feeling’s mutual, Akanishi,” Kame had said quietly before turning on his heels and leaving. But, no matter how controlled he had appeared to be, he couldn’t help but slam the door hard on his way out.
Flinching at the recollection, Jin sits up. He looks around in the dim light of twilight, trying unconsciously to look for something that indicated a past, their past. But, the apartment, just like Kame, is like a locked treasure chest, opulent and extravagant on the outside, taunting everyone with the promise of something more valuable inside, but no one can really know what it is without a key. Jin used to think he was that key, but now, he doesn’t know where he stands with Kame anymore.
He walks up to the mirror and gazes at the face in it, the face that he used to spend hours just looking at. It is so strange to him now, there are lines that weren’t there before, and a general darker countenance. There is something that Jin wishes to see in Kame’s face, however, and he tries to form it. It’s a look that flashes in his memory from time to time, but however much he tries to recreate it in the mirror, it comes out wrong. For a moment, Jin wonders what Kame thinks of when he makes that expression.
“Fuck this.”
The phrase seems to be Jin’s motto for this out-of-this-world and helluva annoying situation that they are in. He walks heavy footed to the kitchen and raids Kame’s wine fridge, picking out the most expensive looking bottle and hugs it back to the bedroom. Kame owes him, Jin rationalizes as he takes a big swig straight from the bottle.
*
Kame had never understood how Jin could live in such a pigsty, and he really doesn’t want to start understanding now. He sighs as he picks up the soiled clothes off the floor, smelling of stale sweat, cigarettes and alcohol. He brings the load to the washer and has to look around for the laundry detergent. Kame clicks his tongue when he finds it in a cabinet filled with old action figurines instead of on the shelf on top of the washer where it should be. As he lets the washer do its job, Kame ties his, or rather, Jin’s, hair up (it was getting into his eyes, and he wonders how on earth can Jin stand it), and begins to tidy up. Kame has always been a little bit of a clean freak, but tidying up Jin’s apartment had been more of a ritual than obsessive compulsiveness in the past, something that was done so often that it activates the auto-pilot mode in him now.
Another thing that Kame cannot understand about Jin is his ability to just shut down and not deal, when things get hard. It has always been a flaw, but Kame thought that Jin would have grown out of it by now, considering everything that has happened. Evidently not, Kame sighs in resignation.
By the time Jin’s apartment is livable by Kame’s standards, Kame, or Kame in Jin’s body, is drenched in perspiration from head to toe. He drags himself to the shower, hoping, against his better mind that things can’t possibly be so easy, that Jin is right, that this supernatural phenomenon has a one-day expiration. He really doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life as Akanishi Jin. It was hard enough to be with him, Kame doesn’t want to imagine how much harder it would be to actually be him.
The hot water steams up the bathroom as Kame stands in front of the mirror, waiting for the bath to fill. He looks at Jin’s body and is both mildly irritated and reassured that it is almost exactly the same as he remembers it, except that Jin has lost weight. Kame brings a hand to touch Jin’s chest, and feels the bumps of his ribs that weren’t present the last time Kame touched Jin. His gaze wanders to Jin’s collarbones. Kame presses a finger to one of them, and feels a slight tingle. He strokes the length of it gently, just like how he remembers doing, and the sensation rests on the cusp of ticklish, but not quite. In fact, it’s rather arousing. Kame smiles and sees Jin smirk back at him in the mirror. So this is how Jin felt when Kame touched him this way. Jin’s body had always reacted quickly to Kame’s touches, and as Kame further explored, Kame realizes he remembers everything about Jin’s body. His fingers graze the spots that like to be grazed, and rub the areas that like to be rubbed. Soon, even before Kame really knows what he is doing, the body he is in is fully turned on, the throbbing ache hard to ignore.
Sinking into the bath, Kame tries to control the sensations. But, if there is anything that Kame knows about Jin, it is Jin’s body. It will never calm down unless it was fully satiated. At the back of Kame’s mind, he is glad that at least something hasn’t changed; there is at least this that connects Kame to Jin. Kame tugs at the erection and closes his eyes, experiencing the reactions of the body that was not his. He flicks his wrist and runs a thumb over the head, just the way Jin used to like it, and feels tension shivers down Jin’s spine as the body arches. The breathing is shallow, and it is weird that both Kame’s mind and Jin’s body know that the end is near. A last pull and twist, and semen joined the bath water. Coming down from the high, Kame buried Jin’s face in his hands, and wondered for the millionth time why.
*
“You’re angry,” young Kame arrived and sat beside Jin on the grassy hill. The Tokyo lights were the same as they always are.
“Of course I am, wouldn’t you be?” Jin replied, his first words to Kame in a week. It seemed like this place was the only place that broke down the wall between them. How the wall came to be in the first place was incomprehensible even to them. Everyday, they were pitted against each other, and no matter how many trials and successes they shared, it was ultimately a competition.
“I don’t want to apologize Jin. All I’ve done is work hard. It’s something that I want. Of course, it would be good if all of you are standing next to me, but if I have to do this alone with Pi, I will.”
“You’re going to leave me behind, Kazuya,” was all Jin said, never taking his eyes away from the night view.
“You’re going to leave first,” Kame predicted with a smile, and placed his head on Jin’s shoulder, just like he always did.
“Let’s be quiet, shall we?” Kame continued. “Our fight will be waiting for us at the jimusho, and you can hate me all you want there. But here, let’s not hate each other here.”
It was then that Jin tilted Kame’s head up, with a finger under Kame’s chin, and brought their lips together - their first kiss.
*
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
knockknockknockknockknockKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK!!!!!!
Jin opens the door with the biggest scowl he can form on Kame’s face, and succeeds to deepen it when he sees his own face looking at him with disdain. It’s déjà vu and Jin feels sick, aided by the bottle of wine he had consumed the night before.
“I’m still in your body, so I presume you’re still in mine?” Kame asks rhetorically as he pushes past Jin.
“You do realize that it’s your own door you’re trying to break,” Jin mumbles as he plods to the kitchen and looks around.
“Coffee filters in the cabinet above your head,” Kame says as he walks around to see if anything is out of order. He spies a wine bottle rolling on his bedroom floor and walks to pick it up, tongue clicking.
“Aspirin is in the drawer on the left. Take 2, my body doesn’t function with a headache…..JIN! THIS WAS MY MOST EXPENSIVE BOTTLE!” Kame’s screech is even more high pitched with Jin’s voice.
Jin winces as he takes the medication, “Shut up Kame, your head hurts.”
“You deserve more than a headache. If it wasn’t my groin, I would have kneed you in it by now. I can only take comfort that my headaches don’t go away as quickly as yours,” Kame huffs as he sits himself on his couch.
Jin joins him, and is relieved that, contrary to what Kame is bitching about, the medication seems to be working.
A little more comfortable as the pain ebbs, Jin turns to examine his own face, thinking that since Kame was inspecting the apartment, he should inspect something of his.
“Why are you looking at me so suspiciously?” Kame shifts uncomfortably as his own eyes surveys him up and down.
“Why does my face have my after-sex glow?” Jin asks accusingly.
“Your what?!” Kame tries to appear indignant even though he knows exactly what Jin is talking about.
“Kame, I know it’s easy to pick up people with my looks and body, but seriously, I hope you used protection. Please don’t give me back a body riddled with diseases….”
“Shut up! I did not pick anyone up, ok?” Kame defends himself.
“Then how…..don’t tell me…….? Damn, I should have done it too then….” It is completely disconcerting for Kame to see his own perfectly tweezed eyebrows wag at him. He chooses to ignore Jin and takes a deep breath.
“So, schedule for today. I have a meeting with KAT-TUN to discuss plans for our 5th anniversary celebratory concerts. The meeting’s in 2 hours so before you go, let’s run through some main points…..”
“Whoa whoa whoa! What? Who said I was going to do this for you again? It was a one time thing.”
“Jin,” Kame chastises, “You can’t possibly not have anything you want me to do on your behalf. Aren’t you in the midst of a concert tour? You must have rehearsals.”
“I don’t need rehearsals. I’ve done the set so many times, I can hold the concert in my sleep. So, don’t come around and try to manipulate me and……..what did you just say?”
“I said, but I don’t know your songs, and your set list, and I certainly can’t perform your concert in my sleep, so…….”
Jin finally grasps the situation. He groans and sinks further into the couch.
“What’s today’s date?”
“January 18th,” Kame says off the cuff, and Jin starts chanting in his head that this is not happening.
“I have a 3-day run in Osaka starting on the 21st,” Jin says, finally somewhat serious and business-like.
“I know,” Kame nods.
“How do you know? You’ve never even attempted to care about what I do since……” Jin can’t bring himself to complete his sentence.
“I..I…” Kame stutters and then recovers, “Well, your posters are plastered all over the jimusho, it’s hard not to see them.”
“We have to change back by then, Kazuya,” Jin replies, choosing to go with the intimate, hoping the importance of the situation will resound with Kame.
Kame does not need any more emphasis on how important it is for them to switch back, but it isn’t anything he can control.
“What if we don’t, Jin?”
Jin is about to chew on Kame’s nails when Kame slaps the hand away.
*
Jin pulls into the parking lot of the jimusho. As he kills the engine, he takes a second to feel the regret of insisting he come alone for the meeting. He had gone with Kame back to his own apartment, and had given Kame a complete tour of his MacBook, overwhelming Kame with lyrics folders, demo vocals and instrumental recording files, dance choreography videos and graphics of stage layout and props.
“Don’t you need me to follow you around all day? I don’t think you’re capable of handling my life by yourself,” Kame had tried to protest, but Jin would hear none of it.
“I can handle the guys, Kame, I’ve known them for as long as you have, and a meeting with Johnny-san? I’ve had meetings with him before.”
“Yes, but, what if he wants to talk about…….”
“I have your folder that you so meticulously prepared for me,” Jin had raised a blue folder he was holding to make his point, “detailing every possible thing that would come up during both meetings, unless you’re saying you have not been thorough with this?”
“No, it’s thorough……”
“Well, then, I’ll see you later. You had better memorize all the lyrics by the time I’m back.”
Jin had walked to the door, but was stopped by Kame.
“Jin?”
When Jin turned, Kame had said, worry in his voice, “Please, try not to screw up my life. It’s…it’s all that I have now.”
Not really wanting to comprehend what Kame had meant by that, Jin parroted as he shut the door, “My life is all that I have now too.”
The door of the meeting room is surprisingly heavy as he pulls it to face 4 guys he has not seen in at least half a year. He talks to Nakamaru sometimes on Skype when he has a break in between his recordings and dance practice in the States and Nakamaru is up late at night trying to complete his assignments. Jin did not resign from the group on pleasant terms, and he has heard from the grapevine how all the KAT-TUN members, particularly Koki had felt about the whole thing, who is, at the moment the only person in the room.
“Hi Koki, where are the others? Isn’t it almost time? 10am right? Did I get the time wrong?” Jin finds himself babbling, trying to be Kame but overdoing it. This is not what Kame would do, Jin thinks even as he tries to stop the words. Kame would coolly saunter to his seat at the head of the table and glide into it, a friendly but short greeting on his lips.
“Kame-chan!” Koki exclaims, looking up from the jacket he’s sewing gold sequins on. This is expected from Koki, inside all the gangster is actually a jovial clown. What Jin does not expect is for Koki to lunge at him, and bury his studded tongue in his mouth. Jin pushes Koki roughly away and wipes his, or rather, Kame’s, lips with the back of his hand.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” Jin shouts, and is about to go on a rampage when Koki interrupts.
“What? Is the meeting room not hot enough for you? When we did it in the practice room, you had no complaints,” Koki smirks lasciviously and Jin shudders.
“W-wh-at?” Jin manages as he stumbles backwards a little.
Koki’s look drops and turns into one filled with concern, “Are you alright, Kame-chan? You look a little pale. Have you had your coffee?”
Absentmindedly, Jin shakes his head.
Koki smiles, “I’ll get it for you, and hopefully, the others will not be here when I get back, and we can talk about it being my place tonight?”
Thank goodness Koki does not wait for response, because Jin doesn’t know what he would have said. Jin tries not to grimace as Koki gives him a peck on the cheek before leaving the room. Since when, Jin thinks. Since when has Kame been sleeping with Koki?
When Koki comes back, Jin is no longer alone. The other 3 had arrived and were in their own corner doing their own thing. It’s like how it has always been, the comfort in silence, being with KAT-TUN, a synergy created purely by the fact that their fates were tied to each other, until one of them decided to break that tie, that is.
Koki places the coffee cup in front of him. Jin feels like he should say something, there is an expectant look in Koki’s eyes, so Jin says this in a low voice, unsure of how much the others know of their relationship, “Not tonight,” before taking a sip from the cup.
The meeting begins once their manager and the production director shows up. Jin is silent for most of it, partly due to old habits, partly because he slightly resents Kame being with Koki and is feeling a little vengeful.
“Kame? What do you think?”
“Hmmm…..? Oh, do what you see fit. Just tell me when it’s time to plan for my solo section.”
Taguchi breaks out in laughter, “Kame, what the hell? You sound exactly like Jin!”
“I guess I do, huh?” Jin tries to laugh along.
“Seriously, Kamenashi, we need your input on this. We can’t go ahead unless you agree,” says the production director, and all eyes are on Jin.
When was it that Kame became the person who made all the executive decisions for KAT-TUN? Has it always been the case? Had he always blanked out during these, what he deemed boring, meetings that he never realized the power Kame wields?
“Try not to screw up my life Jin. It’s all that I have now.” Kame’s words rings in Jin’s ears, and as much as Jin is a renegade, the compulsion to do right by Kame has always been there, whether Jin likes it or not, whether Jin succeeds or not. He takes a deep breath and focuses, and hopes that he’s being “Kame” enough that is convincing.
*
“Kame, wait up!”
The meeting is over and Jin is on the way to the top floor to see Johnny. He turns to see Maru jogging after him. Thank God it’s not Koki. He had seen the disappointed look in Koki’s eyes when he left straight after, without so much as a “see you”, but Jin just couldn’t bring himself to.
“Maru, wassup man?” Jin pauses to wait for Maru to catch up.
“Since when do you call me ‘Maru’? Only Jin calls me that,” Nakamaru comments discernably.
“I…hmmm…” Shit, Jin thinks.
“It’s true then,” Nakamaru says next.
“What’s true?” Jin reaches up to rub Kame’s nose with his knuckle, but stops as soon as he realizes that it is his habit when he’s nervous, not Kame’s. Kame sort of shuffles, and runs his tongue over his lower lip.
“Someone told me that he saw you with Jin at the TV station yesterday. Since when have you guys started hanging out again?”
“Erm…..recently, I guess,” Jin tells the truth and fidgets the way Kame would.
Unexpectedly, Nakamaru gives him a hug.
“What’s that for?” Jin asks, surprised.
“Nothing,” Nakamaru smiles, “It’s about time, that’s all. Just…..” He hesitates a little and Jin arches Kame’s eyebrows in anticipation.
“Just?”
“Don’t break each other’s hearts again, and find a way to tell Koki that doesn’t lead him to cracking Jin’s ribs,” Nakamaru chuckles, although the last bit of his sentence is lost to Jin.
What heart? There was no heartbreak. Was there? Jin wants to ask more, but Nakamaru is already halfway down the corridor after giving Jin a rather brotherly pat on the shoulder.
*
“Ah, Kamenashi-kun, come in and take a seat,” Johnny beckons and as Jin walks up to the large mahogany desk, he thinks that he’s been in Johnny’s office too many times in the past year as compared to his entire bondage to JE for his own good.
Jin had been standing stunned where Nakamaru had left him for a good few minutes, fighting the urge to run back and confront Kame. His relationship with Kame has always been somewhat of a confusion for Jin, but over the years, Jin had come to accept that confusion as part of him. Now, this extra knowledge that Nakamaru had unwittingly bestowed upon Jin resurfaces that confusion in a whirlwind. The only thing that had stopped him is that he would not know what to say, just like how he never knows what to say to Kame.
“Let’s get down to business, shall we?” Johnny is all sternness and Jin snaps out of his daze.
“The Going sports programme is going well. I think I have created a good rapport with the producers. I think I can really bring the programme up to the next level. And, the 5th anniversary preparations are in order, we just had a meeting and……” Jin recites exactly what is in the folder, a list of things Kame predicts Johnny would talk to him about.
Johnny interrupts by holding his wrinkled, liver-spotted hand up.
“I don’t need a blow-by-blow report, Kamenashi-kun. I get it in writing from your manager, and I’m glad you’re doing well. But, you’re here because I want to talk about Akanishi.”
He wants to talk about me? To Kame? Jin misses a breath.
“As you know, we are experimenting with Akanishi-kun to see if we can succeed in the Western market. To be honest, I had my doubts that he would succeed.”
Jin prickles at that statement, but holds his tongue.
“But, he’s proving me wrong. That boy, always almost giving me heart attacks, but comes through in his own self-centred way in the end,” Johnny cackles with affection.
“What’s this go to do with Ka…I mean, me, Johnny-san?”
“Well, not only you in particular, but KAT-TUN too. JE is going to be investing a lot in Akanishi and his overseas activities this year, and as such, even though it is KAT-TUN’s 5th anniversary, something’s got to give, Kamenashi-kun.”
Jin is silent. What could he say in a situation such as this?
“I knew you would be displeased, Kamenashi-kun, particularly after your reaction 6 months ago…..”
How did Kame react 6 months ago? All Jin can remember is that Kame completely shut down, refusing to even meet him in the eye. Not that it mattered, their relationship was already in shreds by then.
“….I thought I should tell you this personally, although your managers already know. Don’t worry, It’ll still be a high profile anniversary celebration, just not as high as we had initially planned it to be. The public won’t know the difference…..”
Johnny takes Jin’s silence to mean Kame’s resentment.
“Kamenashi-kun?”
Jin forces himself to look up.
“I know it’s my fault for always making it a competition between you and Akanishi, but you, more than Akanishi, needed that push. You wouldn’t be where you are now if I didn’t, would you?”
Jin nods, he knows all about it. He’s felt the competition with Kame for as long as he can remember. But, even now, he thinks, at what cost? He wants to get the hell out Johnny’s office, but it seems like the old man isn’t finished. Jin braces himself.
“Besides, I hope you realize that Akanishi is where he is today because of you. I have not forgotten the times you’ve come running to me to beg me to give him a second chance. How you said you would stay so that he could go. I had so many plans for you Kamenashi-kun, but you chose to give them up because of him. Why are you resenting him now? Are the both of you even friends anymore?”
Johnny swivels his large leather chair slightly to look at a picture on his wall of fame, where he displayed all his stars. There is one picture, of them both, taken slightly after debut, before things were destroyed beyond repair - arms around each other’s shoulders, eyes sparkling, and smiles that could go on forever.
Jin follows Johnny’s gaze, his mind a messy web. What did Kame have to give up? How many revelations must he have about Kame in a day? The boys in the picture look so much like best friends, but Jin knows that it’s only the surface. Underneath, they didn’t, and still don’t, know what they were to each other.
*
The jingle of keys at the door jolts Kame from his space-out. He had spent the better part of the day in front of Jin’s computer, save for a little break when he decided to reward himself with a lunch that consisted more than stale onigiris found in Jin’s fridge. Kame had memorized the stage layout, it was not hard, Kame had been doing this most of his life, and sometimes with even less lead time than this. The dance choreography was a little harder. The technicality of the steps he could grasp, but he wasn’t sure he could deliver until he remembers that he is in Jin’s body. He tried a few moves, following the videos, and is amazed at the fluidity of Jin’s body, something Kame has always envied. What Jin lacks in discipline and ability to follow instructions, Jin has the innate groove that makes up for it. His body simply feels the music, there’s no other way to explain it.
Learning the songs is proving to be a challenge. Kame cannot wrap his brain around the heavy beats and the running melodies, not to mention the English lyrics. Kame is trying, but he just can’t get it. And the Japanese songs in the set list, he can’t bring himself to look at them. Each song evokes a memory that is so strong it overpowers his emotions. The older songs, he can at least summon the strength to handle, but the last song. He just can’t.
“Jin. You’re home,” Kame looks up as his own figure stops at the genkan to remove his shoes.
Jin merely grunts as he steps in, the day’s revelations still sinking in. It’s a wonder he managed to drive back safely the mental state that he’s in. He tosses a look at the corner of the living area and sees a huge mountain of paper bags. He heaves a sigh.
“Been shopping, I see?” Jin doesn’t even have the energy to really be mad at Kame.
“I was out for lunch, and I thought you could use more clothes than what you have in your closet, particularly if I have to keep being you. I don’t think I can wear hoodies and jeans for the rest of my, I mean, your life,” Kame explains, feeling a little guilty at his expenditure even though he tells himself he shouldn’t.
“And whose money did you use?” Jin asks even as he knows the answer. “I recall that I have Kamenashi Kazuya’s wallet in my back pocket, and I believe Akanishi Jin’s is in yours.”
Kame is sheepish, “I’ll do a bank transfer.”
“Whatever, I don’t really care about it right now,” Jin does what he does best, which is to sink into the couch.
“How was my day?” Kame interrogates, more than a little worried, particularly seeing the weariness on Jin’s face.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were sleeping with Koki? Didn’t it cross your mind that it’s folder-worthy information? At least I would be prepared when he sticks his tongue stud into my, oh wait, your mouth,” Jin is as sarcastic as he can get as he lays his heavy head at the end of the couch and stretches out.
“Oh, sorry. I forgot he does that,” Kame shrugs, as though it doesn’t matter.
“Are you guys dating? Because if you are, I’m going to break up with him tomorrow. I don’t think I can manage having sex with him on top of all your shit I have to deal with!” Jin finally snaps.
“He’s just……someone I sleep with, alright? No big deal. Just say you’re busy. He accepts that.”
“Some things never change,” Jin snorts.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means?”
Jin can feel Kame glaring at him even with his eyes closed. Strange that in his mind, he can draw up that exact look.
“You know what? Forget it,” Jin says after a length of time. “Your day went fine, the 5th anniversary preparations are going well. I said all you wanted me to say, and everyone agreed with you.”
“How was the meeting with Johnny-san? What did he want?” Kame probes further.
“Nothing much, he just wanted to tell you that the 5th anniversary activities are going to be very high profile, so you have to lead KAT-TUN well,” Jin lies. He can’t bring himself to tell the truth.
“Really?” Jin can see that Kame doesn’t quite believe him, but is relieved when Kame drops it. “Is that all? He could just have sent a memo.”
“Did you finish learning the songs?” Jin changes the subject before Kame changes his mind and digs deeper.
Kame stands up from the computer and sits at the end of the couch. Kame examines his own feet next to him, and wonders if he should tell Jin to give his toenails a cut.
“Well?” Jin waits.
“I’m sorry, Jin, I tried, but I can’t remember them. It’s not like Japanese lyrics where once I understand the story behind the song, remembering the lyrics becomes a breeze. I don’t understand most of what you have written. I can’t, I’m sorry,” Kame apologizes.
One thing that Jin appreciates in Kame is that he apologizes when an apology is due. It is a sentiment that Jin hasn’t really mastered, Jin is well aware of this shortcoming. Jin thinks that he owes Kame a lot of apologies over the years, and even today, all the more, with the bits and pieces he’s starting to piece together, he feels like he needs to apologize, but for some reason, he just can’t.
Instead, he emits another sigh. He sits up and grabs his MacBook, and walks towards the door.
“You coming?” he turns to Kame.
“Where are we going?” Kame stands and grabs a newly bought down jacket.
“I’m buying you dinner with your money, and I’m going to tell you stories,” Jin replies as he walks out the door.
*
Kame had always known that his friend Jin had big dreams. On the grassy patch overlooking Tokyo, Jin would talk and Kame would listen. Jin talked about spreading his wings, learning new things, meeting new people. Jin talked about singing and dancing on different stages around the world. Jin talked about complete autonomy to make his own music, to decide his own schedule, to plan his own life, something that they have never experienced in the jimusho. Jin talked about the freedom that they both felt being in their secret spot together, how, even though nice, is not enough. Jin talked about how he wanted to just be free, one day, eventually.
Kame always sat and listened, but never quite fully understanding. In all his life, Kame only had one dream, but that dream was yanked away from him the day he signed on the dotted line with the jimusho. Kame never complained though, at least not out loud like Jin. And unlike Jin, who went on to other ambitions once any chance of making into a pro-soccer team was extinguished, Kame was content with his lot. Kame’s wants were simple -to just do well in this job he had come to love, a job that saw to it that Kame and his family could live comfortably with extra benefits thrown in. This life, this world he lived in, was more than enough for Kame.
As Jin talked, Kame often found himself wishing sometimes that this world would be enough for Jin too, but then, Jin wouldn’t be Jin if it were. As Kame listened, lying on the green grass with his hands behind his head, it became increasingly clear that his world might not be enough for him if Jin wasn’t in it.
*
Each of Jin’s songs has a story behind it. Kame had forgotten just how colourful Jin’s stories are, and how much he really enjoys listening to him. It is not hard to fall back into old habits, of Kame just listening as Jin talks.
Jin had driven them to a rather posh restaurant bar somewhere in Akasaka. “I’m exploiting your credit card after all,” Jin had said, “besides, people are less likely to recognize us in places like this, and we can sit here for hours, and we need the hours.” Kame had to admit that Jin is right. Besides, Kame is used to splurging on good food. It is one of the luxuries his life has afforded him.
Kame tries hard not to give Jin the satisfaction of a smile when Jin’s passion for his own music shines through. For the first time in a long time, Jin is actually content with his work, and, despite everything that could have been, Kame finds that he cannot really hate Jin for it, even though it is not something he wants other people to know about. The only thing that disturbs Kame about the stories he is hearing is the notion that Jin has this whole other life that he doesn’t exist in. Jin is seeing things without him, going places without him, and it makes Kame a little sad.
They stay till the restaurant closes, Jin insisting that Kame repeat after him his English lyrics word for word. It continues on the drive back and a couple more hours in Jin’s apartment. It is in the wee hours of the morning that Jin is finally satisfied with Kame’s accent and diction, and calls it a night.
Eyeing the empty cans of beer on the coffee table with one eye, and Jin who sways slightly as he stands and stretches with the other, Kame says something that he never thought he would ever say again.
“Why don’t you stay for the night? You can’t drive.”
“Your body has pussy alchohol tolerance, Kamenashi,” Jin answers good-naturedly as he shows his acceptance of Kame’s offer by sitting back down next to him. “It’s a little weird to be asked to stay the night in my own apartment, though,” Jin lolls his head to look at Kame. Kame just stares, himself a little buzzed, but not as bad as how Jin appears to be. For a moment, Kame forgets that he’s staring into his own face, the expression in his eyes that Jin manages to summon up looking so much like how Jin used to look at him. The air is thick for a moment, and Kame swallows.
“Damn,” Jin chuckles, slicing through the heaviness, “I am one handsome fella!” Kame hits Jin on the shoulder, but not very hard. He doesn’t want to injure his own self after all.
“I’m not so bad myself,” Kame retorts as he stands up after gathering the beer cans and walks to dump them in Jin’s recycling bin. Turning back, he sees that Jin has made himself comfortable on the couch, as usual.
“Why don’t you take the bed, Jin? I’m sure your body is more accustomed to sprawling on your couch than my body ever will be.”
“Nah, your body fits better than mine. There’s more space around it. Besides, I know how grumpy you can get if you don’t sleep on a proper bed,” Jin yawns, and Kame brings a pillow and a blanket out from the bedroom.
He watches as Jin tucks himself in, a question on his lips. Spending the entire evening listening to Jin’s stories, a slow realization had bubbled to the surface. Kame does not doubt that Jin’s songs are inspired by his personal experiences, but there seems to be something missing, particularly in the English songs that Jin had been coaching him on all night. It’s as though the songs are not the whole truth, that there is something else Jin wants to say.
“Jin?”
“Hmmm?” Jin is already halfway to falling asleep.
“Why didn’t we go through your Japanese songs today?”
Kame thinks that Jin has already fallen asleep when he received no answer for a couple of seconds. He shrugs and walks to the bedroom, but stops when he hears Jin cryptic answer, whispered softly. “They are stories that you already know.”
What on earth did Jin mean by that?
*
Part 2