Comments | kiwisue: PSA - friends and friending on lj

kiwisue

PSA - friends and friending on lj

Oct 23, 2018 08:28

Part of the problem seems to be that some people didn't read the memo - or at least, didn't read the discussions back in the day when lj was more of a community, about why the idea of "friends" and "friending" was potentially problematic, because it suggested people were closer than they perhaps really were. So here is the primer ( Read more... )

fandom:issues

Comments 18

iibnf October 22 2018, 21:59:17 UTC

Sometimes I'd take someone off my reading list coz I just wasn't reading them anymore and then DRAMA! I was always so surprised...

kiwisue October 22 2018, 22:47:13 UTC

Yeah, I think there's a tendency to want friendings to be permanent, but really there is no reason to assume they ought to be, especially without a real-life connection. I was thinking that a heads-up before any sort of cull is the best possible way of doing it, given the tendency to personalise these relationships more than they deserve, but I suspect some people would still be upset.

The weird thing in this case is that the requests are being made to the person who friended. I mean if you make public posts then it shouldn't matter who sees them, and 'friending' is just a way to have the posts appear on your flist so you can read them. No other relationship implied.

sunray45 October 23 2018, 06:36:38 UTC

Pros LJ is a great community, even though a lot of the old originals don't post much anymore (including me) but we do have quite a number of newer members keeping us going. I think this one doing the 'defriending' then 'friending' again and again is getting LJ mixed up with what goes on on Facebook, and getting her knickers in a knot over nothing much at all. Oh well, it takes all sorts. :)

kiwisue October 23 2018, 07:31:52 UTC

I am convinced that we have a great community, great people. We are just very dispersed, and misunderstandings happen. Part of it is different platforms, and different cultural ways. All of us need a large dose of tolerance and a willingness to listen to others. I include myself in that, I'm often too much about what 'ought' to be done.

I also remember when there were more Pros on LJ and there was drama over slash - you probably remember too!

Apparently Ali15son has apologised, and she isn't on Facebook (my part of it is relatively stable, I only get into arguments about politics on other peoples pages!).

sunray45 October 23 2018, 08:13:08 UTC

"there was drama over slash"

Oh yes there was quite a kerfuffle back then when someone took offence at a caption I had put on one of my screencaps. Even though she had gone along with slash up until then. Wouldn't look at the point that it was all about the Bodie/Doyle characters and not the actors themselves.

ali15son October 23 2018, 06:48:35 UTC

i have apologised for any unfriending that i have done in the past and don't worry i won't be here much longer so once again apologies on my part and how can i get it mixed up with what goes on on facebook when i'm not even on facebook.

kiwisue October 23 2018, 07:58:48 UTC

That was my last commenter, who has her own experience of Facebook, which is different to mine. Personally, I didn't know if you were or weren't on Facebook - I assumed not, because I think I know what the Lewis Collins groups are there.

I accept your apology totally. I really think you were operating from a different ruleset. It happens.

BTW - I am the mod of the_safehouse, but this isn't a safehouse post, just to be clear about that. This is on my personal journal.

I am not sure of your logic however - it seems you want to stop posting to LJ because a few people (including people who usually post on Facebook) commented on boothros' LJ rather than yours and gave her support. As I understand it, you have 33 people who are friends of your LJ. It seems as though you have people who want to see your posts, and you are responding with emotion to what a small group have said in support of another person. This feels out of balance.

ali15son October 23 2018, 08:04:34 UTC

no not really, i have thought long and hard about what was said and what was said was really hurtful without people knowing the full facts,especially when there are those who have never even spoken to me before so therefore i don't feel welcome on here anymore and this is where my big mistake was made. This was never about commenting, i don't hold a gun to someone's head and make them comment on anything, the person is free to choose if they want to leave a comment. This was always about talking, trying to get to know someone and yes one person may be more confident than the next. You see i don't live in London, i don't get to meet up with people the same as other people do so the next best thing was actually talking to a fan of the show but that never really happened for me and i don't know if that was because i came into your fandom at a later time but that is how it always felt to me.

kiwisue October 24 2018, 08:51:01 UTC

I understand that you feel very hurt by some comments that you've seen. I also see in your reply to Ann that your feelings may change, given time. That's an honest place to be. I do wish you well.

This was always about talking, trying to get to know someone and yes one person may be more confident than the next. It's very true that there are fewer opportunities to get together with other fans now than in the past, for several different reasons, and it's also true that getting to know individuals has been a big part of my fandom experience. I'm lucky in that while I live in Australia I've had the chance to travel. When I started in Pros fandom, about 14 years ago now, it took a little time, perseverence, and talking and exchanging emails with people before I met anyone face to face ( ... )

Thread 5

nakeisha October 23 2018, 11:10:55 UTC

Nicely said.

If people see something to comment on they generally will. If they can't think of something to say they won't and that's fine too.

This in particular sums things up really well.

kiwisue October 23 2018, 20:31:04 UTC

Thanks, nakeisha!

It doesn't mean people aren't reading or looking. Some things are easier to comment on than others - I personally think that pictures are quite hard, because there are a limited number of things one can say. But they are always nice to look at.

nakeisha October 24 2018, 11:08:36 UTC

Exactly.

I read my flist daily - more than once a day - but I don't comment on everything. I think a lot of us are like that.

gilda_elise October 23 2018, 11:52:18 UTC

I really do wish the use of the term "friends" had never started, here or on Facebook (which I left for other reasons.) Just because someone wants to read what you post doesn't make them your friend. They can become your friend, as you say, but most won't become more than "acquaintances." Actually "reader" would have been a better term. "I'm a reader on the Safehouse. I'm a reader on kiwisue's blog." Something like that.

That said, not being real, in the flesh friends, shouldn't stop a person from thinking about what they write before they write it. People can disagree without getting nasty. And just because someone agrees with the other person's point of view doesn't mean they're insulting you. It just means that they don't agree with you. It happens.

kiwisue October 23 2018, 21:08:25 UTC

I think reader is a good term. When DW started they went with Reading Page, and Circle instead of friends list. You 'subscribe' to journals you want to see on your reading page, and you 'grant access' if you want to allow people to read your locked posts.

...just because someone agrees with the other person's point of view doesn't mean they're insulting you. It just means that they don't agree with you. It happens.

Of course! That's a very useful additional point. I have held a minority view a time or two - mostly about things that don't matter a great deal, even though everyone concerned was quite invested in the argumentdiscussion at the time, lol! Time gives perspective too, I hope it will here ( ... )