The importance of "I"
Today, I ate my lunch in the break room at the branch I was just visiting to help out for a couple of days. In my usual visual exploration of the room, I noticed a sign that read as follows:
A short course in human relations:
THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"I admit I made a mistake."
THE FIVE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"How can I help you?"
THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"What is your advice?"
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"If you please."
THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"Thank you."
THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD:
"We."
THE LEAST IMPORTANT WORD:
"I."
...now it was this last part that caught my eye. While I liked the general sentiment of the poster, I thought its final execution was flawed.
As it turns out, "I" is a very important word.
In elementary school/growing up, I remember mediation classes and methods and always being told, "Use 'I' Statements." Some mediators were so anal about this that they would not let us use any pronoun other than "I." Which I completely disagreed with - sometimes you need to use pronouns other than "I," sometimes you need to clarify a situation or subject. But a sentence that begins with "I," at least, if constructed right, puts the focus of the conversation on the speaker.
It is *incredibly* important in any kind of communication - a relationship, a business agreement, a mediation, whatever - to express and assert one's own needs.
I've been through some unhealthy relationships. Much of what made them unhealthy, or at least contributed, was that I put up with them - I was unable to assert my needs, express my opinions, or communicate my thoughts with any degree of clarity or confidence. This was partly because of the messages I got growing up - from society, from media, whathaveyou - that using the word "I" is somehow wrong and selfish. But that idea is so flawed, it's sickening. We all need to be able to say, this is what I need from you. This is what I want. This is what I feel, what I believe, what I think, what I wonder, what I envision, what I expect. Not to do so not only denies any chance of getting those things, it can end up imposing unfair results on the other party when they unknowingly disappoint or are allowed to continue ignoring those needs.
But there's another side to "I," possibly a more important side. Arguably, expressing one's needs *can* be selfish, if necessary at times. (Discretion is advised.) But the art of diplomacy requires taking the other party's needs and comfort zones into account as well, and "I" can come in very handy.
The elementary school mediators may have been a bit overzealous about it, but using "I"-statements is a very important tool in any diplomatic discussion. By expressing what needs to happen in terms of one's own view about it, much implied blame is avoided or alleviated. "I"-statements tend to be more factual, as they can help us to avoid assigning emotions or reactions or intent where it does not belong. More than that, though, learning to think proactively *requires* the pronoun "I." This is what *I* will do for you. This is what *I* did wrong, what *I* learned, what *I* will do to fix it. This is what *I* am willing to do/give/accept in order to fulfill my needs/desires. This is what *I* can control.
As with any discussion, there have to be two sides to it, of course. Acknowleding and accepting one's own role and expressing one's needs is just as important as acknowledging the needs of others and expressing expectations of others' roles. Without an equal and open exchange, a mutually beneficial agreement can't be reached, a functioning team can't be formed, a healthy compromise can't be made.
"We" is an important word. But possibly more important are "you" and "I," used in conjunction and in their proper context.
A short course in human relations:
THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"I admit I made a mistake."
THE FIVE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"How can I help you?"
THE FOUR MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"What is your advice?"
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"If you please."
THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT WORDS:
"Thank you."
THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD:
"We."
THE LEAST IMPORTANT WORD:
"I."
...now it was this last part that caught my eye. While I liked the general sentiment of the poster, I thought its final execution was flawed.
As it turns out, "I" is a very important word.
In elementary school/growing up, I remember mediation classes and methods and always being told, "Use 'I' Statements." Some mediators were so anal about this that they would not let us use any pronoun other than "I." Which I completely disagreed with - sometimes you need to use pronouns other than "I," sometimes you need to clarify a situation or subject. But a sentence that begins with "I," at least, if constructed right, puts the focus of the conversation on the speaker.
It is *incredibly* important in any kind of communication - a relationship, a business agreement, a mediation, whatever - to express and assert one's own needs.
I've been through some unhealthy relationships. Much of what made them unhealthy, or at least contributed, was that I put up with them - I was unable to assert my needs, express my opinions, or communicate my thoughts with any degree of clarity or confidence. This was partly because of the messages I got growing up - from society, from media, whathaveyou - that using the word "I" is somehow wrong and selfish. But that idea is so flawed, it's sickening. We all need to be able to say, this is what I need from you. This is what I want. This is what I feel, what I believe, what I think, what I wonder, what I envision, what I expect. Not to do so not only denies any chance of getting those things, it can end up imposing unfair results on the other party when they unknowingly disappoint or are allowed to continue ignoring those needs.
But there's another side to "I," possibly a more important side. Arguably, expressing one's needs *can* be selfish, if necessary at times. (Discretion is advised.) But the art of diplomacy requires taking the other party's needs and comfort zones into account as well, and "I" can come in very handy.
The elementary school mediators may have been a bit overzealous about it, but using "I"-statements is a very important tool in any diplomatic discussion. By expressing what needs to happen in terms of one's own view about it, much implied blame is avoided or alleviated. "I"-statements tend to be more factual, as they can help us to avoid assigning emotions or reactions or intent where it does not belong. More than that, though, learning to think proactively *requires* the pronoun "I." This is what *I* will do for you. This is what *I* did wrong, what *I* learned, what *I* will do to fix it. This is what *I* am willing to do/give/accept in order to fulfill my needs/desires. This is what *I* can control.
As with any discussion, there have to be two sides to it, of course. Acknowleding and accepting one's own role and expressing one's needs is just as important as acknowledging the needs of others and expressing expectations of others' roles. Without an equal and open exchange, a mutually beneficial agreement can't be reached, a functioning team can't be formed, a healthy compromise can't be made.
"We" is an important word. But possibly more important are "you" and "I," used in conjunction and in their proper context.