fic: Denial
Title: Denial
Length: One-shot
Author: M_K Yujji
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Though real people are used as characters, this fic bears no resemblence to Real Life and these people are not owned by me.
Comments/Notes: This is a sequel of sorts to my fics Bitter Candy and Reality Check, though any of the fics can stand on their own. Also, there may be mistakes in the last scene. All of my betas are asleep right now, so I can't run it past them and I wanted to post it before I went to bed. I'll have them check it out later, but if you notice anything glaring, just let me know. Have a happy New Year~~~
The 'ie' is not intended as an honorific.
Summary: To deny your heart is to hurt you both.
~*~*~
Changmin was watching him again. Jaejoong didn't have to turn around to know whose eyes were boring holes in his back.
He wasn't sure what he'd done to garner such intense scrutiny from their youngest member, but he was starting to feel a lot like a bug under a microscope. He mentally apologized to every bug he'd ever studied.
Turning around, he arched a brow at Changmin. “Can I help you with something?”
He'd asked the same question a dozen times in the last few days only to have it waved off before Min turned his attention elsewhere. So it was something of a surprise when Changmin nodded slowly and leaned back in his chair.'
“Can I ask you something, hyung?” The look on his face was one that made Jaejoong suspect that a 'no' wouldn't have been accepted regardless.
He put away the last plate and dried his hands before moving over and sitting at the table across from his friend.
For a long moment, there was silence between them as Changmin gathered his thoughts. The soft sound of piano drifted out of the workroom where Su and Yoochun were composing..
“Jaejoong... Do you love Yunho?”
Of all the questions he might have expected, that was one he'd never even considered. Had he been neglecting Changmin in his need to apologize to Yunho recently?
“Of course,” he answered without hesitation. “I love all of you.”
Changmin shook his head. “No, I knew that. I mean...” He paused and bit his lip, looking very young and uncertain to Jae's eyes. Then he seemed to regather his courage and determination. “Are you in love with Yunho? As more than a friend?”
All Jaejoong could do was gape at him, a thousand different emotions and reactions rolling through him.
The younger man just continued to watch him carefully, and Jaejoong finally managed to regain enough control to shake his head. “You should know better than to believe fanservice, Minnie.”
“Then he's just a friend?” Changmin pressed.
“Of course.”
For a moment Changmin frowned, looking deeply displeased with his answer, but it cleared so quickly, Jaejoong was sure he'd imagined it. “Well if you're sure.”
“Minnie, what brought -“
But before he could question it, they were interuppted by the sound of Yunho arriving home. Heechul had called earlier, insisting that he had a problem than only Yunho could help him with. Personally, Jaejoong thought that anything HeeChul worked on was doomed to disaster, Yunho or not, but that could have just been his cattiness showing itself.
“Hey guys,” Yunho said as he entered the kitchen, heading towards the fridge.
“Hey.” Jaejoong hid a smile as he watched the other man take a long drink of milk from the carton out of the corner of his eye. Normally he'd have scolded anyone doing that, but for now, for Yunho, he was willing to pretend he hadn't noticed. “Did you have fun with the drama queen?”
“Jaejooooong,” Yunho whined as he put the milk back. “He's not that-“
“Don't you dare say he's not that bad, because then I'd have to call you a liar, and I think that even Heechul would agree.” He was hyperaware of Yunho coming up behind him, though he still didn't turn around. It had been over a week since his last night of binge drinking. A week since he'd torn another stitch in the seam that held them together.
Though he knew Yunho had forgiven him already for words said in drunken anger, there was still a brittle wariness in the way the leader dealt with him. It wasn't even conscious, really. Just a human being's natural reaction to someone who'd hurt them so deeply. And it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyone else would have pushed Jaejoong out of the band and out of their life years ago. He was grateful for the stubborn care and affection that kept Yunho from taking such drastic measures against the wounds Jaejoong seemed helpless to stop inflicting.
But it had been a week since they'd been close enough for so much as an accidental touch and Jaejoong couldn't deny that he'd missed the easy affection between them.
“Maybe he would.” There was only a moment's hesitation before Yunho leaned against Jaejoong's chair and dropped his arms, oh so casually, over Jaejoong's shoulders. “So how were things here today?”
Jaejoong took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he leaned back against the solid warmth of Yunho. It was the first truly peaceful moment he'd had all week.
“Things were fine,” Changmin responded in Jaejoong's silence. His eyes were back to boring holes in Jaejoong, but the older man was too contented to care for once. “Jaejoong hyung and I were just talking.”
“Anything interesting?” Yunho's hands had moved back up and were massaging Jaejoong's shoulders. He had some vague notion that he should be more concerned about the conversation, but honestly, it was all he could do not to purr at the attention.
Changmin snorted and stood up, drawing Jaejoong's attention back to him. The younger man stared at him for a moment before rolling his eyes. “No, we were just talking about how full of shit he can be most of the time.”
Then he left them alone, one confused and the other ashamed.
~*~*~
“Deep thoughts or no thoughts at all, Boo?” Yunho teased as he slid into the seat next to Jaejoong.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and shoved his friend playfully. “I resent the implication that I'm empty headed.”
Honestly. Just because he needed a little space every now and again to just exist in his own head didn't mean he was a complete space case, no matter what Yunho or the others insisted to the contrary.
Yunho just laughed and grabbed Jaejoong's arm to pull him closer. “Okay, okay. You're not a complete air head.”
“Oh, well thank you so much.” It was all good-natured fun, though Jaejoong couldn't think of anyone outside the band - and maybe his sisters - that he'd let get away with calling him an air head to his face. He leaned into Yunho, enjoying the quiet strength and calm of his friend. The band leader could be just as silly and childish as the rest of them - more so occasionally, even - but not all of his stage persona as the strong pillar of DBSK was faked.
“You're welcome,” Yunho replied, smug.
He was tempted to argue or make a smart assed remark of his own, but Jaejoong decided he could afford to be the mature one for once. Besides, snuggling with Yunho on the couch was a treasured oppurtunity that was worth far more than whatever petty enjoyment he could get out of smacking his friend down verbally. “I'm hungry....”
“I think Changmin already ordered take out. It should be here soon.”
Mention of Changmin made Jaejoong frown. “He's growing up to be very annoying.”
Yunho twisted and wiggled, shifted them both around until he could look Jaejoong in the face. “Who, Changmin?”
Jaejoong nodded. “And a smart ass. He's growing up to be a smart ass. I think Junsu's a bad influence on him.”
His friend laughed hard at that, his body shaking and through it, Jaejoong's as well. “Ju-JunSu is a bad influence????”
“He is,” Jaejoong insisted, huffing at the continued laughter, even if it was kind of infectious.
“Junsu?!” Tears of mirth ran down Yunho's cheeks and his body curled slightly around Jaejoong's as he gasped for air in between guffaws.
His lips twitched as he reconsidered the statement. “Okay. Maybe not just Junsu.”
They were both giggling like little girls and clinging to each other when the others trickled into the living room to find out what was so funny.
Neither could really force the words out to explain, but when Changmin gave him that look again, Jaejoong decided that it was at least mostly Junsu's fault and promptly started beating his squeaking friend over the head with a cushion.
~*~*~*~
Jaejoong sighed and eased his way through the press of bodies in the club.
It wasn't often that he was the sober one sent in after a drunken Yunho, but he'd been the last one to be photo'd for the day and his solo shots had run far later than he'd expected. He'd hoped to simply go home and collapse into bed, but an unhappy looking Junsu had met him at the door and explained that HeeChul and Donghae had shown up and persuaded Yunho to go out with them.
And apparently none of them were sober enough to get themselves home, although Yunho had at least thought to carry the apartment phone number with him.
The last thing Jaejoong wanted to deal with was that particular trio too drunk to even stumble to a taxi. Heechul got on his nerves enough when the self-declared Cinderella was sober. Drunk, he was a thousand times more obnoxious.
“Jaejoongie~~”
A heavy weight dropped against his shoulders and Jae sighed again. He didn't really feel like having a screaming match, but it was too loud in the club for normal conversation. “DongHae! Where are the others?”
The younger man actually giggled, falling against Jaejoong helplessly. “Oh man, oh man, they're..” But he couldn't quite seem to make it out of the giggle fit he'd fallen into.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and tried again. “Point?”
DongHae pointed off towards one corner of the crowded room and Jaejoong dutifully held on to him while trying to make his way in the direction indicated. It was a little like trying to swim upstream, he thought, wondering how fish did it. It didn't help that the crowd actually seemed to get thicker instead of thinner as they went.
Of course, when he finally managed to wiggle his way through to see why, he almost wished he hadn't.
Possibly in some culture or country, what Yunho and Heechul were doing counted as dancing.
Writhing and grinding, bodies pressed so tightly together that he wasn't even sure where one ended and one began, Jaejoong thought it was a lot closer to fucking with clothes on than any dancing he knew of.
The crowd was enjoying every minute of it, calling out encouragement and suggestions, lewd remarks and propositions. The display made Jaejoong more than a little nauseous.
Glaring at everyone stupid enough to get in his way, he stomped over to the pair and yanked them away from each other.
“What-“
“Fuck off-“
“Have some fucking dignity,” he snarled, dragging the pair behind him as he forced his way back through the reluctant crowd. A few more daring souls actually tried to stop them, but Jaejoong bared his teeth at them all and made liberal use of his elbows.
“I am so going to fucking kill you when we get out of here,” he muttered, not entirely sure which one he meant. Both, perhaps. Of all the indecency. Of all the nerve. Bad press was going to be the least of their worries if anyone had gotten a picture of the pair.
Management liked a little fan service here and there, encouraged it, nurtured it, marketed on it.
Management did not like the night club sexcapades of their bought and paid for entertainers to be splashed all over tabloids.
Jaejoong fiercely stomped on the hurt that threatened to stifle him as surely as the throngs of people.
Without thought or care and ignoring all protests, Jaejoong stuffed Heechul and Donghae into the first cab he could hail. Undoubtedly he'd given the driver far more than the trip would actually cost, but he took vicious pleasure in the fact that Heechul would check his pockets the next day and find nothing remaining of his 'fun' money. Maybe that'd teach him to drag Yunho out and get him drunk in the future.
Outside of the vibrant pumping of music and adrenaline that had been keeping him upright inside the club, Yunho mostly just collapsed against Jaejoong and whimpered pathetically. Trying to remind himself that he'd done a lot worse to Yunho over the years, Jaejoong sighed and manhandled his friend into the passenger seat of his car.
He was overreacting.
He knew he was, but Jaejoong couldn't seem to help it.
Even if a dozen photographers had captured Yunho and Heechul in their uninhibited display, it was hardly the worst side of either band that had ever been shown. Most of those belonged entirely to Jaejoong himself.
He laid his head against the steering wheel for a long moment, breathing deeply and telling himself that there was no reason to feel so angry or upset. There was no reason for the hurt that was still tearing at his chest.
Yunho slumped against his shoulder, startling him badly. Strong arms curled around his middle.
“Joongie?” It wasn't fair when Yunho sounded like that, so vulnerable and fragile. It wasn't fair the things it did to Jaejoong's heart.
“You need to rest, Yunho. I'll let you know when we get to the apartment.” His fingers burrowed into Yunho's hair of their own volition.
“You know I love you, Joongie....”
Jaejoong's heart seemed to stutter for a moment and his grip on Yunho's hair tightened. “Yunho....”
“I love you so much....” The wet sound to Yunho's voice, the trembling of his friend's body, brought tears to Jaejoong's own eyes. “But sometimes I really hate you too.”
Jaejoong was sure he heard both their hearts shatter.
Length: One-shot
Author: M_K Yujji
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Though real people are used as characters, this fic bears no resemblence to Real Life and these people are not owned by me.
Comments/Notes: This is a sequel of sorts to my fics Bitter Candy and Reality Check, though any of the fics can stand on their own. Also, there may be mistakes in the last scene. All of my betas are asleep right now, so I can't run it past them and I wanted to post it before I went to bed. I'll have them check it out later, but if you notice anything glaring, just let me know. Have a happy New Year~~~
The 'ie' is not intended as an honorific.
Summary: To deny your heart is to hurt you both.
~*~*~
Changmin was watching him again. Jaejoong didn't have to turn around to know whose eyes were boring holes in his back.
He wasn't sure what he'd done to garner such intense scrutiny from their youngest member, but he was starting to feel a lot like a bug under a microscope. He mentally apologized to every bug he'd ever studied.
Turning around, he arched a brow at Changmin. “Can I help you with something?”
He'd asked the same question a dozen times in the last few days only to have it waved off before Min turned his attention elsewhere. So it was something of a surprise when Changmin nodded slowly and leaned back in his chair.'
“Can I ask you something, hyung?” The look on his face was one that made Jaejoong suspect that a 'no' wouldn't have been accepted regardless.
He put away the last plate and dried his hands before moving over and sitting at the table across from his friend.
For a long moment, there was silence between them as Changmin gathered his thoughts. The soft sound of piano drifted out of the workroom where Su and Yoochun were composing..
“Jaejoong... Do you love Yunho?”
Of all the questions he might have expected, that was one he'd never even considered. Had he been neglecting Changmin in his need to apologize to Yunho recently?
“Of course,” he answered without hesitation. “I love all of you.”
Changmin shook his head. “No, I knew that. I mean...” He paused and bit his lip, looking very young and uncertain to Jae's eyes. Then he seemed to regather his courage and determination. “Are you in love with Yunho? As more than a friend?”
All Jaejoong could do was gape at him, a thousand different emotions and reactions rolling through him.
The younger man just continued to watch him carefully, and Jaejoong finally managed to regain enough control to shake his head. “You should know better than to believe fanservice, Minnie.”
“Then he's just a friend?” Changmin pressed.
“Of course.”
For a moment Changmin frowned, looking deeply displeased with his answer, but it cleared so quickly, Jaejoong was sure he'd imagined it. “Well if you're sure.”
“Minnie, what brought -“
But before he could question it, they were interuppted by the sound of Yunho arriving home. Heechul had called earlier, insisting that he had a problem than only Yunho could help him with. Personally, Jaejoong thought that anything HeeChul worked on was doomed to disaster, Yunho or not, but that could have just been his cattiness showing itself.
“Hey guys,” Yunho said as he entered the kitchen, heading towards the fridge.
“Hey.” Jaejoong hid a smile as he watched the other man take a long drink of milk from the carton out of the corner of his eye. Normally he'd have scolded anyone doing that, but for now, for Yunho, he was willing to pretend he hadn't noticed. “Did you have fun with the drama queen?”
“Jaejooooong,” Yunho whined as he put the milk back. “He's not that-“
“Don't you dare say he's not that bad, because then I'd have to call you a liar, and I think that even Heechul would agree.” He was hyperaware of Yunho coming up behind him, though he still didn't turn around. It had been over a week since his last night of binge drinking. A week since he'd torn another stitch in the seam that held them together.
Though he knew Yunho had forgiven him already for words said in drunken anger, there was still a brittle wariness in the way the leader dealt with him. It wasn't even conscious, really. Just a human being's natural reaction to someone who'd hurt them so deeply. And it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Anyone else would have pushed Jaejoong out of the band and out of their life years ago. He was grateful for the stubborn care and affection that kept Yunho from taking such drastic measures against the wounds Jaejoong seemed helpless to stop inflicting.
But it had been a week since they'd been close enough for so much as an accidental touch and Jaejoong couldn't deny that he'd missed the easy affection between them.
“Maybe he would.” There was only a moment's hesitation before Yunho leaned against Jaejoong's chair and dropped his arms, oh so casually, over Jaejoong's shoulders. “So how were things here today?”
Jaejoong took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he leaned back against the solid warmth of Yunho. It was the first truly peaceful moment he'd had all week.
“Things were fine,” Changmin responded in Jaejoong's silence. His eyes were back to boring holes in Jaejoong, but the older man was too contented to care for once. “Jaejoong hyung and I were just talking.”
“Anything interesting?” Yunho's hands had moved back up and were massaging Jaejoong's shoulders. He had some vague notion that he should be more concerned about the conversation, but honestly, it was all he could do not to purr at the attention.
Changmin snorted and stood up, drawing Jaejoong's attention back to him. The younger man stared at him for a moment before rolling his eyes. “No, we were just talking about how full of shit he can be most of the time.”
Then he left them alone, one confused and the other ashamed.
~*~*~
“Deep thoughts or no thoughts at all, Boo?” Yunho teased as he slid into the seat next to Jaejoong.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and shoved his friend playfully. “I resent the implication that I'm empty headed.”
Honestly. Just because he needed a little space every now and again to just exist in his own head didn't mean he was a complete space case, no matter what Yunho or the others insisted to the contrary.
Yunho just laughed and grabbed Jaejoong's arm to pull him closer. “Okay, okay. You're not a complete air head.”
“Oh, well thank you so much.” It was all good-natured fun, though Jaejoong couldn't think of anyone outside the band - and maybe his sisters - that he'd let get away with calling him an air head to his face. He leaned into Yunho, enjoying the quiet strength and calm of his friend. The band leader could be just as silly and childish as the rest of them - more so occasionally, even - but not all of his stage persona as the strong pillar of DBSK was faked.
“You're welcome,” Yunho replied, smug.
He was tempted to argue or make a smart assed remark of his own, but Jaejoong decided he could afford to be the mature one for once. Besides, snuggling with Yunho on the couch was a treasured oppurtunity that was worth far more than whatever petty enjoyment he could get out of smacking his friend down verbally. “I'm hungry....”
“I think Changmin already ordered take out. It should be here soon.”
Mention of Changmin made Jaejoong frown. “He's growing up to be very annoying.”
Yunho twisted and wiggled, shifted them both around until he could look Jaejoong in the face. “Who, Changmin?”
Jaejoong nodded. “And a smart ass. He's growing up to be a smart ass. I think Junsu's a bad influence on him.”
His friend laughed hard at that, his body shaking and through it, Jaejoong's as well. “Ju-JunSu is a bad influence????”
“He is,” Jaejoong insisted, huffing at the continued laughter, even if it was kind of infectious.
“Junsu?!” Tears of mirth ran down Yunho's cheeks and his body curled slightly around Jaejoong's as he gasped for air in between guffaws.
His lips twitched as he reconsidered the statement. “Okay. Maybe not just Junsu.”
They were both giggling like little girls and clinging to each other when the others trickled into the living room to find out what was so funny.
Neither could really force the words out to explain, but when Changmin gave him that look again, Jaejoong decided that it was at least mostly Junsu's fault and promptly started beating his squeaking friend over the head with a cushion.
~*~*~*~
Jaejoong sighed and eased his way through the press of bodies in the club.
It wasn't often that he was the sober one sent in after a drunken Yunho, but he'd been the last one to be photo'd for the day and his solo shots had run far later than he'd expected. He'd hoped to simply go home and collapse into bed, but an unhappy looking Junsu had met him at the door and explained that HeeChul and Donghae had shown up and persuaded Yunho to go out with them.
And apparently none of them were sober enough to get themselves home, although Yunho had at least thought to carry the apartment phone number with him.
The last thing Jaejoong wanted to deal with was that particular trio too drunk to even stumble to a taxi. Heechul got on his nerves enough when the self-declared Cinderella was sober. Drunk, he was a thousand times more obnoxious.
“Jaejoongie~~”
A heavy weight dropped against his shoulders and Jae sighed again. He didn't really feel like having a screaming match, but it was too loud in the club for normal conversation. “DongHae! Where are the others?”
The younger man actually giggled, falling against Jaejoong helplessly. “Oh man, oh man, they're..” But he couldn't quite seem to make it out of the giggle fit he'd fallen into.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and tried again. “Point?”
DongHae pointed off towards one corner of the crowded room and Jaejoong dutifully held on to him while trying to make his way in the direction indicated. It was a little like trying to swim upstream, he thought, wondering how fish did it. It didn't help that the crowd actually seemed to get thicker instead of thinner as they went.
Of course, when he finally managed to wiggle his way through to see why, he almost wished he hadn't.
Possibly in some culture or country, what Yunho and Heechul were doing counted as dancing.
Writhing and grinding, bodies pressed so tightly together that he wasn't even sure where one ended and one began, Jaejoong thought it was a lot closer to fucking with clothes on than any dancing he knew of.
The crowd was enjoying every minute of it, calling out encouragement and suggestions, lewd remarks and propositions. The display made Jaejoong more than a little nauseous.
Glaring at everyone stupid enough to get in his way, he stomped over to the pair and yanked them away from each other.
“What-“
“Fuck off-“
“Have some fucking dignity,” he snarled, dragging the pair behind him as he forced his way back through the reluctant crowd. A few more daring souls actually tried to stop them, but Jaejoong bared his teeth at them all and made liberal use of his elbows.
“I am so going to fucking kill you when we get out of here,” he muttered, not entirely sure which one he meant. Both, perhaps. Of all the indecency. Of all the nerve. Bad press was going to be the least of their worries if anyone had gotten a picture of the pair.
Management liked a little fan service here and there, encouraged it, nurtured it, marketed on it.
Management did not like the night club sexcapades of their bought and paid for entertainers to be splashed all over tabloids.
Jaejoong fiercely stomped on the hurt that threatened to stifle him as surely as the throngs of people.
Without thought or care and ignoring all protests, Jaejoong stuffed Heechul and Donghae into the first cab he could hail. Undoubtedly he'd given the driver far more than the trip would actually cost, but he took vicious pleasure in the fact that Heechul would check his pockets the next day and find nothing remaining of his 'fun' money. Maybe that'd teach him to drag Yunho out and get him drunk in the future.
Outside of the vibrant pumping of music and adrenaline that had been keeping him upright inside the club, Yunho mostly just collapsed against Jaejoong and whimpered pathetically. Trying to remind himself that he'd done a lot worse to Yunho over the years, Jaejoong sighed and manhandled his friend into the passenger seat of his car.
He was overreacting.
He knew he was, but Jaejoong couldn't seem to help it.
Even if a dozen photographers had captured Yunho and Heechul in their uninhibited display, it was hardly the worst side of either band that had ever been shown. Most of those belonged entirely to Jaejoong himself.
He laid his head against the steering wheel for a long moment, breathing deeply and telling himself that there was no reason to feel so angry or upset. There was no reason for the hurt that was still tearing at his chest.
Yunho slumped against his shoulder, startling him badly. Strong arms curled around his middle.
“Joongie?” It wasn't fair when Yunho sounded like that, so vulnerable and fragile. It wasn't fair the things it did to Jaejoong's heart.
“You need to rest, Yunho. I'll let you know when we get to the apartment.” His fingers burrowed into Yunho's hair of their own volition.
“You know I love you, Joongie....”
Jaejoong's heart seemed to stutter for a moment and his grip on Yunho's hair tightened. “Yunho....”
“I love you so much....” The wet sound to Yunho's voice, the trembling of his friend's body, brought tears to Jaejoong's own eyes. “But sometimes I really hate you too.”
Jaejoong was sure he heard both their hearts shatter.