[Stargate: Atlantis] Nine
Title: Nine
Genre: CRACK
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: So very much not mine.
Summary: By the time they manage to make it to one of the populated levels of the city Rodney's wet, cold, and just about done.
Notes: A long, long, long time ago owleyes_arisen requested an SGA fic that was either fluffy or cracktastic. Um. This is both? *hides*
By the time they manage to make it to one of the populated levels of the city Rodney's wet, cold, and just about done. He has a whole new set of muscles he never even knew about before he managed to strain them carting Sheppard's dead weight around the lower levels of Atlantis.
And that's another thing.
Sheppard's out cold and nothing Rodney's tried has been able to bring him out of it, which is really more terrifying than he's willing to admit.
"This is so not my fault." Just like the past three hours, Sheppard doesn't answer. "I told you we should have waited, but no. No! you wanted to take a look, 'Just a quick peek, Rodney', 'What's the harm, Rodney?', 'This is so cool, Rodney!' and now look at you! Look at me, for god's sake!"
Rodney's tired and sore and he can't risk stopping to rest now, because while they're in a cleared section of the city, they're still pretty far from help and their radios are long gone. He's knows if he sits down he won't be getting up again anytime soon, and that could be bad, so very, very bad for Sheppard.
"Just remember that I was the one who said not to go inside, Sheppard." Rodney mutters, something in his chest tightening when there's no drawling comeback, no sarcastic reply. "Don't make me take the blame for this."
Nothing, and that's what worries him most, so he keeps going. One hand trailing against the walls as he follows the corridors towards the main part of the city, towards light and warmth and help. He's so busy concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other that when he turns a corner he almost doesn't notice the patrolling Marine.
"Oh, thank god." Rodney's never been so glad to see another human being, even one of Sheppard's grunts. "I could use a hand here."
The Marine just stares at them, and Rodney's relief melts into annoyance. The two of them have been missing for hours already and he's not in the mood for stupid people.
"Now, Marine!" He lets his frustration bleed through because he's had a really, really bad day.
The guy actually jumps to attention before keying his radio to report that yes, McKay's been found and yes, he's going to need a medical team and god, yes, now would be good.
When that's taken care of the Marine helps settle Rodney against the wall despite his muttered protests that he can't. He can't because Sheppard still needs help, but the Marine doesn't listen. Just gently pushes him down until he's sitting, Atlantis solid against his back, telling him that everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to be okay, Beckett will take care of him and he'll be -
Rodney's eyes narrow and he reaches out to grab the poor Marine's vest, dragging him close. "Everything is not going to be fine," he growls. Sheppard's still out, still down. "Elizabeth's going to kill me."
The Marine stares at him with wide eyes and Rodney snorts in disgust, shoving him away and looking over at Sheppard. "They're all going to kill me."
The Marine says nothing, but moves to a safe distance to keep an eye on them until the medical team gets there. And while Rodney would normally find the poor man's obvious unease amusing and worthy of mockery, at the moment he's just really, really tired.
"Sir - "
Rodney looks up to see the Marine staring at them, well, Sheppard, and sighs. "You're new here, aren't you?" He doesn't recognize the guy and Sheppard likes to give his new recruits a little time to acclimate to life in Atlantis before throwing them through the 'gate and into the wilds of Pegasus.
The Marine nods, still staring, and Rodney laughs, nothing more than a soft exhalation of air. "Don't worry," he mumbles, tipping his head back against the wall. "You get used to it after a while."
He can feel the Marine's eyes on him, but that's fine, cool, even, to use Sheppard's turn of phrase, because it's getting harder to keep his eyes open and he can feel the faint pounding of running feet through the floor and raised voices drawing closer.
"Sir?"
"Oh, good." His words are starting to slur, consonants and vowels running together. "The cavalry's almost here."
The Marine gives him a worried look and moves nearer, twisting around with his weapon raised when Carson and his team come tearing around the corner.
"I'm just going to take a little nap now." Rodney says, sliding over onto his side because hey, the floor's really not that bad once you've been slogging around in sewer system for a few hours and wow, apparently he really did need that break. "Let me know if you need me."
The Marine's eyes go wide and Carson's swearing like a seasoned sailor and Rodney finds that utterly hilarious for some reason, which is about the time everything goes dark.
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Things are pretty much one big blur for a while after that, and he isn't really aware of his surroundings until the second day after their little disastrous mission.
Even then he's not really lucid until sometime during the middle of the night with only the soft beeping of the heart monitor and who knows what else attached to him breaking the silence.
Turning his head to the side he's surprised to see Teyla camped out in a chair beside his bed, looking quietly relieved to see him awake. She's wearing mission gear, and something tells him she hasn't been there long.
"Where's Sheppard?" He asks, struggling to sit up. "He's here, right? He's not," Rodney swallows hard and somehow isn't surprised that he can't even put what he's thinking, dreading, into words. "He's okay, right?"
The expression on Teyla's face shifts from openly relieved to worried, and oh god, that's not a good thing. It's never a good thing and he knows what she's going to tell him. "Rodney," Teyla's voice is soft and gentle. "Colonel Sheppard was not with you. Ronon and the others are out searching for him as we speak, but - "
Rodney stares at her, horrified because he remembers carrying Sheppard. Remembers seeing him laid out cold after the stupid Ancient device sprang to life, remembers everything.
"Oh my god. You don't know, do you?"
Teyla shakes her head and reaches out to touch his arm, regret and sorrow in her eyes. "Rodney..."
He shakes her hand off and scowls, because he's not a child, not an idiot. He could handle it if Sheppard were...if he were, but he's not, and right now Rodney just really needs her to listen.
"Okay, look. Here's the deal. Sheppard's not dead, okay? He's alive and in one piece and..." He trails off as Biro walks through the doors, completely absorbed in what she's doing as she crosses the infirmary whistling cheerfully, and a terrible, terrible thought occurs to him.
Rodney turns back to Teyla, grabbing her arm and probably looking as far from sane as he ever has. "Please tell me that woman didn't get her hands on him. Please tell me he hasn't been dissected."
"We would never allow that to happen." Teyla says indignantly, but it's only half as reassuring as it's meant to be because they still don't know.
"Okay, okay." He mutters, releasing his grip on Teyla's arm. "There was...I wasn't alone when I ran into that Marine, right? There was someo - I mean I wasn't alone, right?" Desperation has never been a good look for him, but it's never a good look for anyone.
Teyla shakes her head, frowning. "You were not, but I do not see how - "
"They're not going to find him." The certainty in his voice gets through to Teyla and she stares at him, finally sees what he's trying to tell her. "They're not going to find him and I need your help."
She doesn't look pleased, but she gives in with her usual grace. "Very well."
Rodney smiles at her and points at the monitors arrayed around his bed. "Turn those off, we've got an idiot to find."
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They make a brief detour to his quarters so he can change into a shirt and actual pants before heading to the science labs. Teyla keeps shooting him concerned looks, which must mean that he probably looks at least as bad as he feels, but she never says anything. He's feeling a little nervous that they've managed to get as far as they have without being caught when they hear furious cursing and what sounds like a crash coming from one of the smaller labs.
Teyla glances at him, eyebrow raised as though asking if such things are a common occurrence.
"No." He says by way of answer, eyes narrowing. "It isn't, and when I get my hands on whatever moron is in there breaking things, I'm going to - "
Only he never gets to tell her what he's going to do because the lab's doors slide open and something small and dark and wickedly fast zips out of the lab and down the hall in their direction.
Teyla moves to put herself in front of him, but the thing zigs and zags and neatly avoids her as it leaps, corridor lights glinting off bright, bright eyes as it hits his chest. The force of the impact coupled with his injuries sends him staggering into the wall, and from there back onto the floor.
He takes that as a sign and just lies there trying to get his breath back while Teyla rushes to his side, eyeing the thing perched on his chest warily.
"Rodney - "
"No. No, this is good." Rodney wheezes, craning his neck to see bright green eyes staring back at him. "In fact, this actually saves us a lot of time and effort."
There's a beat or two of silence, and Rodney's smart enough not to look up at Teyla, so he finds himself staring at the...animal.
"Rodney - "
"For the record?" Rodney says, holding up a finger. "This was so very much not my fault."
He can pretty much see the look Teyla must be giving him, but he's tired and sore and the painkillers are starting to wear off, so he decides to add cranky to the list. "Also, you might want to call off the search for Sheppard."
Another moment of silence, a little awkward, but then Teyla's moving away speaking softly into her radio and Rodney drops his head back against the floor and closes his eyes, savoring the last moment of peace he knows he's going to have for a long, long time.
A second later someone rushes out of the lab the thing came out of looking panicked until he spots Teyla and Rodney. Then the look on his face shifts into outright fear, and for a very good reason.
"There's a - "
"I know." Rodney snaps, sitting up after the creature obligingly hops off his chest to stand next to him, tail twitching in annoyance.
Teyla's almost smiling at him in that reserved Athosian way of hers. "Perhaps it would be best to discuss this someplace else."
Rodney completely agrees with her on that, in fact he thinks it's an excellent idea because the floor isn't as comfortable as he seems to remember.
"That would be good." Except for the part where he actually has to explain everything. "The briefing room, then?"
This time Teyla does smile, extending a hand to help him to his feet. "I think in light of your injuries, it would be best to visit the infirmary first."
And that is why he thinks Teyla is both one of the most wonderful people he's ever met and one of the most sadistic. Carson's probably having a minor fit at his escape and that just can't end well for him.
"Oh. Um...thank you?"
Teyla just smiles.
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The problem, Rodney realizes, isn't that Sheppard's now a cat - he's managed to come to terms with that just fine, thank you - it's that none of them are completely certain just how much of Sheppard is in control.
Carson and Henderson from biology have been doing scans, taking samples, and performing tests and all they can say with any sort of certainty is that Sheppard looks and acts like a cat, aside from the furless patches that reveals the soft sheen of blue-black scales.
There are three of them, and Rodney knows how and why they got there. He also knows exactly why no one can bear to look at them.
Henderson seems to think it was simply the only way the device that transformed Sheppard into a small four-legged animal was able to compensate for his unique mish-mash of DNA.
So they're all treating Sheppard as though he's been turned into a perfectly normal Earth cat with scales that aren't strictly reptilian in nature and seem to share some sort of similarity to those of the Iratus bugs like it's completely normal, which really? Not so much, but it's Atlantis and they're in Pegasus and there's not much else they can say about that.
Rodney's back in the infirmary as per Teyla's carefully worded suggestion, and so is Henderson, the moron that had been left in charge of Sheppard after Rodney passed out, because Rodney McKay does not faint.
Sheppard is leaning hard against Rodney's legs, hunkered down with his ears laid flat either out of annoyance or some residual resentment towards Henderson and the whole 'I was preparing to dissect the specimen' spiel he gave them when Elizabeth demanded to know what was going on.
Elizabeth and Teyla are on one side with Henderson on the other and they're waiting on Radek, who's taking his own sweet time and has clearly never heard of things like transporters.
Sheppard bares his teeth when Henderson leans in to get a better look at him and Rodney winces when Henderson completely misses the obvious and gets a nasty scratch for his stupidity.
"Okay, that wasn't my fault." Rodney says, reaching out to pull Sheppard away from Henderson before he draws more blood. "Clearly, you have never been around cats in your entire life."
He says it with something like disdain and pity, and completely without sympathy because even a toddler would know better than to get that close to a threatened animal.
Elizabeth clears her throat and Rodney looks at her blankly for a moment before her expression registers, and even then he doesn't feel badly for Henderson. The man's an idiot and several kinds of incompetent and...and Elizabeth just gives him The Look.
"Not my fault!" Rodney reiterates, hands up in a placating gesture. "Also? Watch the claws, they're sharp."
This last is directed at Carson as he moves to get a better looks at the scratches on Henderson's hand, getting a little too close to Sheppard if the soft hiss is any indication.
Elizabeth raises an eyebrow and Rodney shrugs, weirdly defensive. It's not like Sheppard scratched him on purpose during their daring adventures in Atlantis' underbelly, but he really does have sharp claws that went through the thin fabric of his shirt more than once.
"What I don't understand," Elizabeth keeps shooting little looks at Sheppard as though she can't believe any of this is happening, "is how this occurred in the first place. The two of you were supposed to be - "
"Exploring the new wing of living quarters Sheppard's Marines discovered, yes, I know." Rodney interrupts, because Elizabeth had dumped that on the two of them as some sort of punishment for the perceived slight of a visiting dignitary that had been...well, certainly not intentional on their parts. And really, how were they to know certain otherwise innocuous hand gestures would be construed in that way anyhow? "Apparently the Ancients were not without their fair share of mad scientists."
"I'm sorry?"
Rolling his eyes, Rodney waves a hand at Sheppard. "We were doing just that when the Colonel touched something and poof, we were in a lab in a different part of the city."
"'Poof'?"
And that would be Radek, out of breath and looking frazzled as he rushes towards them, late and well aware of it as he flashes a small smile of apology that Elizabeth falls for every single time.
"Can you describe this 'poof'? I am not familiar with it as a scientific term."
Eyes narrowing, Rodney gives Radek a dark look. "The lights flickered, there was no sense of motion involved, and there was the added bonus of a cloud of dust when we arrived in the lab, so...poof."
Radek straightens at the glare Rodney gives him, laptop held close to his chest. "Ah, yes. I understand clearly now. The two of you go exploring and stumble upon the first known Ancient mad scientist."
Rodney grits his teeth and forces a smile while Sheppard hunches down, muted growl coming from his throat as he senses his annoyance. "It would appear so, yes."
"Somehow I am not surprised." Radek says, settling his laptop on a rollaway table that he drags over to the huddle around his bed. "You are both...what is the phrase?"
Elizabeth's eyebrow goes up, and Rodney's eyes narrow because he knows what she's thinking. And yes, okay, so maybe they've run into their fair share of unusual circumstances, but it's hardly as though they're the only ones. As highly valuable members of the senior staff it only makes sense that their exploits garners more attention.
Really.
"Ha, ha. Yes, please make a joke about this because it's not like the military commander of Atlantis is now a cat or anything." Rodney snaps, irritated and annoyed and maybe, maybe, a tad bit worried.
"We have to get back to that lab, find the device and fix this." And if Rodney's feeling a little bit desperate and a maybe a little guilty, it's no one's business but his own. And Sheppard's, since he's staring up at him with this...this look in his eyes.
"Unfortunately, that is not possible at this point in time." Radek says quietly tapping away at his laptop. "With Ronon's help we were able to retrace your steps to the lab you mentioned. This one here?"
Rodney lens forward to get a better looks at the section of the city Radek has pulled up on his laptop and nods, not all that surprised that they've already pinpointed the area. According to Teyla it's been days since they made it back to a populated are of the city and since they hadn't known about Sheppard at the time...well.
Radek shakes his head and turns the laptop back to face him. "All points of entry have been blocked. One has been completely flooded and the others have suffered severe structural damage. Even if we were to go in with a fully equipped team, it would be weeks before we could clear away the debris, and even then..."
"Even then there's no guarantee that the lab would be intact." Rodney finishes for him, and they share a look because they know what that means, and not just for Sheppard.
It also explains why Radek was late.
"All right." Elizabeth says, and everyone looks over at her. "For the moment Major Lorne will assume Colonel Sheppard's duties, and I want every available person working on fixing this, is that clear?"
Rodney shares another look with Radek because it means sleepless nights and endless days spent trawling through the Ancient database and organizing teams and other lesser nightmares.
Elizabeth looks at all of them, searching for what, Rodney isn't sure, and smiles in satisfaction when she finds when she sees whatever it is she's looking for. "If that's all, let's get to work people."
She waits until Henderson is gone before turning back to look at Sheppard, expression unreadable.
"We'll fix this, Elizabeth." Rodney tells her, more because he can't imagine not being able to than anything else.
She looks at him and the corner of her mouth curves into a wry smile. "Somehow, I don't doubt that, Rodney. I really don't."
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The next three days are just as hellish as Rodney expected, but Radek is right there with him through all of it, so it's not as bad as it could have been. At least Radek isn't completely worthless and occasionally has a good idea. Best of all though? He has a secret stash of truly glorious coffee hidden away for times just like this.
Well, maybe not just like this, because Rodney's fairly certain he'd remember it if Sheppard managed to get himself transformed into a cat, but, well...
It's not like life in Pegasus is without bizarre situations or anything, and Sheppard being turned into a cat? That merits the good kind of coffee.
Sheppard's a cat. No matter how many times Rodney repeats it to himself or sees actual, solid proof of the fact, it doesn't get any less weird. Sheppard is a big, lean cat with sleek black fur and a penchant for finding trouble in all the wrong places.
"His gene still works."
Radek pulls his head out of the console he's tearing apart to glare at him. "What?"
Rodney shakes his head and reaches for his coffee mug. "Sheppard's gene still works, did I tell you that? I found him playing with the bathroom faucet this morning. Turning it on and off over and over again like it was the best thing in the world."
Radek just stares at him for a long, long moment, and then over at the dozing ball of black fur tangled up in Rodney's uniform jacket on a workbench.
"Have you informed Carson of this? Or Henderson? Elizabeth, perhaps?" Radek doesn't sound like he's accusing Rodney of keeping potentially vital information away from those who might know what the hell it all means, he just sounds tired and a tiny bit grumpy.
Something that's completely understandable, what with the hours the two of them have been keeping recently.
If Sheppard's upset that he no longer has opposable thumbs he hasn't shown it, and if he's upset that he's no longer human, he doesn't seem to notice. Which, honestly? Somehow not as troubling as Rodney would have expected.
Sheppard's taken to trailing Rodney around the city, sticking to his side like glue - except for the times when he feels like exploring, which is a special little headache in itself right there. So far in the past few days he's found several alternate routes into the control room, the infirmary, the cafeteria and now? Rodney's lab.
No one knows how he does it, but he also seems capable of teleporting himself all over the city. Rodney suspects that Sheppard's either found some sort of hidden transporter system or is just faster than he's shown them so far, but given the things he's seen since they first came to Atlantis, Rodney isn't completely dismissing the teleportation theory out of hand.
"No, and I don't think I'm going to have to. He keeps experimenting, almost like he's testing to see if and how well his gene still works. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to take one of the Puddlejumpers out for a test flight."
Radek frowns at that, although there's a hint of amusement in his voice when he speaks. "Ah, I would not say that too loudly, were I you, Rodney. The Colonel might take it as a challenge."
He would too, Rodney knows. Dangle a challenge or dare in front of him and it's as though any shred of common sense he might have completely disappears.
Still. Not the point, at least not at the moment.
They've been making progress of a sort, vague leads and bits of information gathered from the Ancient database that has led them to a tiny lab on the far side of the city with a military escort just outside the room in case anything happens.
Whoever their mysterious Ancient scientist was, insane or maybe just slightly left of center, he was brilliant, and now the bulk of his work, his research is buried where they can't get to it.
Except for this one lab holding where it seems he did his earlier work, saving his files and research data in a computer console isolated from the main database.
"Rodney. Perhaps it is time for a break, yes? Get some sleep, or at the very least some food." Radek makes a face, waves a hand in an exaggerated gesture. "A shower would not be a terrible idea, either."
Looking up he finds Radek looking at him, genuine concern behind the sarcasm and for the first time in hours realizes just how tired he is, how hard he's been going at this. How hard both of them have, although Radek's smart enough to know exhaustion breeds mistakes and has managed to get some sleep every now and then.
"I - "
Radek sighs, glances over to where Sheppard's awake and watching them. "Go, feed the Colonel and yourself and get some sleep, yes? This problem, it is not one that can be solved quickly, I'm afraid."
The hell of it is that Radek's right and Rodney doesn't want that. What he wants is for Sheppard to be back to his usual annoying self. Poking and prodding at things he shouldn't, saying the wrong things to the wrong people and most of all, annoying the hell out of Rodney every chance he gets.
"Go, Rodney. This console will take some time to fix, and I will call you when I'm done. Then we can continue working. It is a brilliant plan, no?"
Rodney snorts, although he thinks he might actually be smiling a little bit, and gets to his feet. Sheppard yawns, pink gums and sharp white teeth and slowly, clearly because he chooses to, untangles himself from Rodney's jacket and moves to stand next to the door. He looks back at Rodney as if asking what the hold up is, and this time Rodney really does smile.
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Sheppard refuses to go anywhere near Ronon.
They aren't sure if it's something about Ronon that only Sheppard can sense in his new form, or something else altogether about him that puts him off. Personally, Rodney thinks it might have something to do with Ronon's sense of humor and a distasteful joke more than anything else.
It certainly didn't help that the first time Ronon actually saw Sheppard after his transformation he drew his gun and tried to shoot him, but the little scene in the cafeteria afterwards? Definitely didn't help.
Sometimes Rodney wonders if the people around him are selectively stupid because there can only be one reason Sheppard's terrified of Ronon, and it isn't the way he smells or looks to Sheppard. It's the way he looks at Sheppard, like he's some sort of tasty delicacy, and the thought alone makes Rodney a little sick even though he's well aware that Ronon's only doing it to mess with Sheppard's tiny little brain.
So when he walks into the cafeteria and finds Ronon sharing a table with Teyla as they eat dinner, Rodney almost, almost turns on his heels and walks out of the room. It's not like he doesn't have an MRE or three stashed in his quarters or the ever dependable Power Bar.
Sheppard paws at his pant leg and Rodney doesn't look down at him because somehow he isn't immune to the big, sad kitty eyes of his and -
"Okay, fine. Whatever. I'll get you something to eat here, happy now?" Rodney mutters, straightening his jacket before heading for the tantalizing smells filling the room.
Fish, definitely some kind of fish, and those little meatball things Sheppard's fond of and Rodney knows the exact moment Sheppard realizes Ronon's in the room. If the startled hiss didn't give it away, the little pinpricks of pain on his leg and back as Sheppard claws his way up onto his shoulders certainly would.
"Ow."
Actually, that doesn't even begin to describe it because Sheppard is a huge cat. Huge and all muscle and as everyone knows muscle weighs more than fat and those claws of his aren't just for decoration. Rodney's gone through four shirts now thanks to Ronon and his sense of humor and Sheppard's paranoia.
Sheppard hisses again, fur standing on end and he doesn't need to turn his head to know Sheppard's leaning hard against him, trying his best to look intimidating. He also doesn't need to look to know Ronon's grinning at them, big and toothy and amused.
"Once again," Rodney says, turning to glare at Ronon. "Not funny. And also, once again, I'll expect you to replace this shirt as you are responsible for Sheppard using it, and myself, as some sort of mobile climbing apparatus."
Ronon just shrugs and goes back to his food, but it's easy to read the amusement practically rolling off him and really. There's just no talking to some people. Especially when they're Ronon.
Teyla gives Ronon an annoyed look and turns to Rodney, apology or explanation on her lips, but Rodney dismisses it with a tired shake of his head. "I've heard it all before, and I'm not in the mood for it at the moment."
Teyla frowns at that, but lets it go. She isn't pleased with the entire situation, but it isn't as though Rodney's exactly happy either, so he figures that's just as well.
With a weary sigh, Rodney goes to get them food and takes care to give Ronon and Teyla's table a wide berth on the way back to his quarters. He doesn't like having to stay away from the rest of his teammates, it feels wrong, but until Sheppard's back to normal or just learns to deal with Ronon, he doesn't have much choice in the matter.
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Rodney still isn't one hundred percent sure as to why Sheppard's chosen to attach himself to him for the duration of his unfortunate transformation.
Sheppard's perfectly content to sleep on Rodney's bed, hogging his pillows and unleashing his claws on Rodney's clothes when he's tired or annoyed or angry or just feeling unappreciated.
Sheppard treats Elizabeth with a sort of wary respect, maintaining a sort of distance from her that he doesn't with anyone else. He seems equally as comfortable with Lorne as he does with Radek, treating them both as convenient stepping-stones or perches when they happen to be in the right place at the right time. Carson, he flat-out avoids, skulking around corridors and hard to get to niches whenever he senses him approaching to avoid being taken in for more tests. He goes out of his way to avoid Ronon when he sees him first and goes on the defensive when he doesn't.
But when it comes to Teyla? He adores, completely and utterly adores Teyla. Sheppard's all over her at every opportunity he gets, and really? Who wouldn't be?
"You're enjoying this far too much, you know." Rodney tells him when they reach his quarters.
Sheppard trots ahead to his nest of blankets and Rodney's ruined shirts by the bed, looks back at him and makes a mournful little sound. Discontent with the fact that Rodney's all the way over there by the door with his food while he's over here.
Rolling his eyes, Rodney can't believe he's letting himself be bossed around by a transfigured moron with spiky hair and no sense of self-preservation.
"Also, you need to suck it up when it comes to Ronon because I am, quite frankly, running out of shirts and we both know Ronon has no intention of replacing them."
Ronon finds the entire situation unrelentingly hilarious, and when Rodney catches the idiot who first told him that stupid 'Tastes like chicken' joke he's going to -
Sheppard doesn't quite meow, but he does make this odd little squeaking noise when he wants attention, and as they've all learned by now, he hisses and snarls and growls when he feels the need. When he's relaxed, content, he purrs. It's a broken, disused sound that makes something in Rodney's chest constrict when he hears it.
Sheppard makes that squeaking noise now, head cocked in an inquisitive manner and Rodney scowls at him. "No, you cannot." He mutters, pulling his own plate closer because it seems as though Sheppard has somehow developed a second stomach and is never satisfied with his own food. "If you want more, go get it yourself."
Sheppard squeaks again, lower this time - almost a growl - and Rodney snorts, completely unimpressed. He's been around cats for the vast majority of his life and he knows when he has to stand firm before them lest they gain complete control.
Besides, it's Sheppard.
"No."
This time Sheppard goes for the big guns, getting up and padding over to Rodney where he rubs against his legs and tries for cute and adorable and obviously in need of feeding or he will die.
"Oh my god. You seriously have no shame, do you?" Rodney says, almost choking on his food because there's cute and then there's whatever Sheppard's doing.
Sheppard's eyes narrow and he moves away from Rodney, stiff-legged and annoyed and making little irritated noises as he leaps up onto the bed to curl up in the middle of the pillows.
"Oh, no. Sheppard. No way, not after that...that display! You have your own bed, go sleep in it!"
A flick of an ear and Sheppard turns away from him, wrapping himself into a surprisingly tiny ball of fur and feigns sleep in a ploy designed to drive Rodney crazy because it's so, so obvious he is anything but asleep and -
"I should get you neutered when I have the chance." Rodney mutters, shoving his mostly empty plate away. "Save us the trouble of being hit by a paternity suit later down the road. Elizabeth would probably thank me for it, give me a commendation for acting in the best interest of everyone in the city."
Sheppard lifts his heard and gives Rodney a long, long look, unimpressed and so very not amused and yawns, pink tongue and sharp teeth all over again. He shakes his head and with twists into another improbable shape before settling down to sleep.
Rodney stares at him, realizing that he's stuck with a furry pillow stealing lump on his bed.
Again.
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In the middle of the fourth day they make a breakthrough.
Of sorts.
Radek's finished reassembling the console he'd had to take apart because ten thousand years - give or take - of disuse and neglect isn't all that wonderful for delicate pieces of technology.
They spend several hours going through the files they've managed to retrieve, Sheppard napping on the workbench he's apparently claimed as his, everything going along the same way it has for the last few.
Until.
"Is that what I think it is?"
Rodney looks up to see Radek scowling at his laptop screen, glasses reflecting ancient script and frowns. "What did you find?"
Radek doesn't answer right away, just keeps typing away, glance moving from the console to his laptop and Rodney shoves away from his station to look over his shoulder.
"That...is that what I think it is?" Rodney knows he's repeating Radek, but this? This is something worth repeating. It's certainly something worth getting excited about, because it means they might have found something.
Sheppard uncurls from his spot and peers at them, ears pricked forward and tail twitching slightly, catching the current of excitement running through the room.
"It...it certainly seems to be, but...do you think it would still be - "
"There's no telling." Rodney says, moving closer for a better look even though there's no real reason, just symbols laid out one after another in a specific pattern and a handful of words that look like they were tacked on as nothing more than an afterthought Hastily written, like whoever had added them had been in a rush or was distracted by something. "Ten thousand years is a long time."
Radek snorts, glances back at Rodney, mouth pulled up into a wry smile. "Ah, but he was an Ancient, yes?"
"Don't forget he was also a mad scientist."
Waving a hand as though that part isn't important, Radek then points at the screen. "Yes, yes. Mad scientist, hidden lab, secret passageway, we have been through all of that before many, many times."
If it weren't for the fact that this may be what they were looking for, information hinting at a secondary lab holed away on some backwater planet, Rodney would find Radek's attitude vaguely unsettling. Maybe more than vaguely unsettling, but still. There's a chance they'll be able to find something - anything - that might help them turn Sheppard back into his regular annoying form.
"We need to tell Elizabeth. Organize a team, plan a mission..."
Radek laughs, smiles and looks up at Rodney, at Sheppard who's joined them, staring intently at the screen. "We may have found a way to finally fix the Colonel, yes?"
Sheppard tenses at that, ears going back and Rodney makes a muffled choking noise, waving Radek off as he turns away to call Elizabeth, Sheppard glaring at him the entire time.
========
========
Everything goes perfectly to plan while they're actually planning the mission, except for the part where Rodney has to tell Sheppard that pets aren't allowed through the Stargate.
And yes, okay, so he maybe he shouldn't have phrased it just like that, but he'd really expected that Sheppard would have a better sense of humor about the whole thing by now.
Sheppard plants himself over Rodney's laptop and refuses to move even when Rodney threatens him with the spray bottle. They both know it's an empty threat on Rodney's part because there's no possible way the laptop would come out unscathed.
In the end he has to go to Teyla for help, and they wind up locking Sheppard in his bathroom long enough for them to get through the Stargate.
It isn't until they get to the planet and discover that it isn't as uninhabited as they thought that things take a turn for the worse, and not in the usual screaming and fleeing for their very lives sort of way.
"I can't believe it." Rodney mutters, giving Lorne a dirty look since he's locked up with him. "We finally find what we're looking for and we get arrested for trespassing."
The only bright spot is that they were caught after they'd found what looked to be a proto-type of the machine that had transformed Sheppard.
The sheriff's intrepid deputy/sidekick is currently out keeping an eye on Ronon and Teyla, leaving the two of them to 'Cool their heels for a bit' while the sheriff chats up the mayor and his daughter.
Lorne shrugs and goes back to playing solitaire. "Hey, could be worse." He offers, not bothering to look up. "At least they let Ronon and Teyla contact Atlantis."
Rodney snorts, leaning against the back of their cell, arms crossed. He feels out of place in the dusty old jail, metal bars and wooden floors, and is mildly disappointed that their jailor wasn't wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat and the requisite cowboy boots complete with jangling spurs.
"Yes, to ask Elizabeth to post bail for us. Why doesn't this sort of thing ever happen to anybody else?"
Another shrug, but this time Lorne looks up, mouth quirked in a small smile. "Just lucky, I guess." He says, like he isn't secretly laughing his ass off.
Which, of course, is when they hear a metallic jingling sound and look up to see -
"Sheppard?"
Sheppard trotting towards them, giant keyring in his mouth and looking all too pleased with himself as he sits down right in front of their tiny, tiny cell and drops the keys.
Just out of reach.
"How - " Rodney shakes his head because it's not important how Sheppard got there, just that he is, and has ever so helpfully stolen the keys to their cell. And is not so helpfully enjoying their predicament. The bastard.
"Okay, look." Rodney says, trying for a conciliatory tone and only making as far as mildly annoyed. "I'm sorry for locking you in my bathroom, but it's not like we could just take you along, you know. You're hardly in any condition to - "
Sheppard's ears go back in warning and Rodney stops mid-sentence, licking his lips as he reconsiders his words. "As nice as it is that you've managed to sneak through the Stargate, I don't think a jailbreak is going to do us any favors at the moment."
Although it pains him to say it, it's true. These people haven't actually harmed them, and actually seem more amused than anything. Elizabeth, he knows, is probably trying to open lines of trade and alliance with them and wouldn't be all that pleased to find that they've managed to destroy any chance of that by escaping the local jail for trespassing charges.
Rodney's well aware of Lorne watching their exchange, which really can't be all that entertaining, but Sheppard's listening at least, head cocked to the side.
"Yes, yes, I know. And if this were a life-threatening situation, I would definitely be grateful and all of that, but as it is..." He trails off and gestures at the rickety building around them. "We're stuck in someone's idea of a bad western, Sheppard. Elizabeth is no doubt negotiating for our release as we speak. There's nothing to worry about."
Except for the part where it feels hideously wrong for him to be the one reassuring Sheppard that their lives are not, nor were they ever, in danger on this mission despite the brief moment of uncertainty when the sheriff and his deputy had shown up.
He's certain that in ordinary circumstances he'd be allowed the luxury of freaking out over that. Just a little.
Sheppard squeaks, annoyed that his timely rescue isn't necessary, and picks the keyring up to put it back wherever he found it. When he comes back he squeezes through the bars of their cell and circles wide around Rodney before making his way over to Lorne, dropping down in front of him to watch him play solitaire.
Rolling his eyes, Rodney moves back to the back of the cell and continues counting holes in the ceiling, picking up where he left off while they wait to be set free.
========
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When the sheriff comes back with Ronon, Teyla, and half the town, they have to explain that yes, Sheppard is theirs and no, he's not dangerous or likely to spread disease.
In order to prove their claims they wind up showing everyone that Sheppard likes being scratched behind his ears, playing with bits of string, and gnawing on Power Bars as opposed to human flesh.
Sheppard puts up with the humiliating ordeal well enough, squeaking and rubbing up against their ankles, doing his best to look like someone's pet that somehow followed its people through the Stargate and onto an alien planet.
Lorne jumps in when the mayor asks about the scales with something about a harmless rash and the medical regimen involved treating it while Rodney's brain is still going in circles trying to come up with a reasonable explanation that doesn't sound completely insane.
Lorne and Ronon manage to keep it together long enough to pull it off, although it's clear from the look on their faces that they're about to die from pent up laughter. Teyla maintains her cool behind her 'I am the leader of my people and as such am immune to such foolish antics' face and Rodney just glowers a lot, so it's not like anyone can tell the difference.
It isn't until they're in the meeting room for the debriefing that Elizabeth's amusement fades and she gets down to business. Pleased that no one was injured or harmed in any way, satisfied that they've gained another trading partner, and utterly furious at Sheppard's actions.
Rodney isn't entirely sure she's wrong to be angry because Sheppard could have gotten hurt or lost or worse on that dirtball of a planet and none of them have known. Might never have known what happened to him, and that's what terrifies him the most.
As thrilled as he is that they now have proof Sheppard's more or less himself - there's no other way to explain his incredibly stupid decision to follow them off-world - he's worried Sheppard's going to get himself killed before they get a chance to fix him.
Rodney has to explain to Elizabeth and the others that it's going to take Radek and him at the very least another day, maybe more, to ensure that the prototype device is going to work the way they think it will instead of incinerating Sheppard or transforming him into something else.
"All right then," Elizabeth says, giving Sheppard a warning look. "But I expect the two of you to get some sleep - real sleep, Rodney - before attempting anything. If this is our only chance I want everyone involved to be at their best. Is that understood?"
Rodney grimaces, knowing there is no sense in arguing when she uses that tone of voice.
Sheppard pads alongside him on the way to his quarters, gaze focused straight ahead the entire time and Rodney can't tell if he's thinking about what could have happened on the mission or something else completely.
"That was incredibly stupid of you." He says as they reach his quarters, doors sliding shut behind them. "Elizabeth's right, we were lucky nothing happened."
Sheppard turns to regard him as the unspoken 'To you' drops between them, eyes narrowed, tail flicking back and forth in what Rodney recognizes as anger, which he understands. Really. It's not like he's never felt the same sort of helplessness when it comes to Sheppard or Teyla or Ronon or anyone else, it's just that this time, this time...
"You're a cat." Rodney says, hands waving in an attempt to describe just how badly Sheppard's latest four-legged escapades scared him. "A cat, Sheppard."
He can't seem to say anything else, words failing him as he stares down at Sheppard. Not helpless, but as good as, and if the people they'd run into had been anything less than quietly amused at their antics it could have -
"Just...just don't do anything like that again."
Sheppard sneezes, gives himself a shake and trots off as though he hasn't heard a single word Rodney said.
========
========
The next day Lorne stops by the lab five times in three hours, Sheppard riding on his shoulders, and requests that Rodney do something.
"Do what, exactly?" Rodney asks, eyeing Sheppard suspiciously. There's a definite air of smug satisfaction about him as he lounges from his position wrapped around Lorne's shoulders like an expensive fur.
"Colonel Sheppard has spent the better part of the morning setting off the security system, showing up in unauthorized areas via routes that no one can figure out, and generally driving me insane trying to keep tabs on him."
Rodney raises an eyebrow at that, and Sheppard tilts his head to one side, eyes gleaming with something very much like glee.
"McKay!"
Gaze snapping back to Lorne's, Rodney scowls and crosses his arms, well aware of Radek's amusement and Sheppard's twitching tail and god, this is not what he needs at the moment.
"Perhaps if you hadn't...what was it? Oh, yes, implied that Sheppard had mange." Rodney bites out, more annoyed than amused as Sheppard's retaliatory acts are keeping him from figuring out how to fix him.
Lorne opens his mouth, closes it again, and gives Sheppard a wounded look. Almost as though he can't believe Sheppard would pull something like this after Lorne kept the sheriff and his trigger-happy sidekick from shooting him.
"And you, stop being an ass and show Lorne how you keep doing whatever it is you're doing." He snaps, glaring at Sheppard, and pauses, shooting Radek a contemplative look. "Although, if you'd rather stay like this, it might be beneficial. Help us ferret out -"
Lorne's sharp intake of breath halts him mid-sentence and when he looks over he stifles a smile when he sees Sheppard's bared teeth.
"Watch the claws, they're sharp."
Lorne smiles tightly and peels Sheppard off with Radek's help. "Thanks, McKay. I hadn't figured that one out myself."
Rodney rolls his eyes and turns back to the device. "Sacrifice a fish to him and see if that gets you anywhere. You also might want to keep in mind that his gene still works, so - "
"What?"
Lorne's voice goes low and even and so very not amused, and it occurs to Rodney that he never actually told anyone besides Radek that Sheppard can still have Atlantis roll over and beg for him in his current state.
Radek gives him a look and scurries back to his side of the lab, staring intently at his laptop screen and neatly removing himself from the situation.
"I didn't mention that?"
"Oddly enough, no." Lorne says. "I think I would have remembered that."
Rodney makes a 'Hmmm' noise and shoots Sheppard a dark look as he slips out of Lorne's hands and follows Radek to his workstation, leaving Rodney facing Lorne on his own. "Must have slipped my mind."
"Of course." Lorne says, and when Rodney glances over Lorne has an odd look on his face, and Rodney's about to ask what the hell his problem is now, but Lorne just smiles. "Bet Henderson would have loved to hear that."
Rodney doesn't say anything because they both know it's true, but there's no way in hell Rodney's going to let Henderson get his grubby little hands on Sheppard again, scientific curiosity be damned.
The look on Lorne's face tells him that he might not have actually said any of that out loud, but he might as well have, given the way his hands are clenched into white-knuckled fists.
Lorne's smile widens just that little bit more.
"Fish, huh?"
Radek saves him from humiliating himself further by piping up that coffee wouldn't go amiss either, and Lorne makes a token protest before leaving.
When he looks up again Radek's actually working, head buried in schematics and data files and Sheppard...
Sheppard is watching him.
"Oh, shut up."
========
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It takes them the rest of the morning and a good part of the afternoon before they're satisfied that the device isn't going to blow up in their faces or outright kill Sheppard, and by then everyone involved is keyed up and anxious.
Worried that it's not going to work or, stranger yet, that it will, but that there will be adverse effects.
Elizabeth and Carson are standing out of the way on one side of the lab, and there's a medical team on stand-by in case things don't go as smoothly as hoped. Radek's on his fifth coffee, Lorne's eyeing them both warily, and Sheppard is perfectly still.
Sitting on the floor with his tail wrapped neatly around his paws, watching them as they run last-minute tests, do what they can to make sure they're not about to make an irreversible mistake.
"Rodney."
He doesn't look up from his laptop, doesn't stop reading the numbers, doesn't stop worrying.
"Yes, yes. Okay." Rodney says, and gives Sheppard one last look before activating the device.
Flash of light, low humming noise and it's over. Sheppard's whole and human and also -
"Where the hell are my clothes?"
- a little bit on the naked side.
There's a flurry of movement, Carson calling out orders and people rushing, rushing, rushing before Sheppard is herded off to get poked and prodded until everyone's satisfied he's not going to die or anything like that.
Rodney stays behind in the lab, staring at the device, a little stunned that after everything, all the worry and anxiety and fear, all it took was pressing one little button to fix everything.
========
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Sheppard's memories are a little hazy, although he seems to remember the last few days of transformation the best. He undergoes Carson's tests with admirable patience, and no one's surprised when he all but runs out of the infirmary the moment Carson tells him he's free to go.
Rodney tracks him down to one of the remote piers, feet dangling in the water and doesn't say anything. Just sits down next to him and watches the waves in companionable silence, hands in his lap.
"So, uh." Sheppard looks almost embarrassed, refusing to meet his eyes. "Thanks. You know, for figuring out a way to turn me back and everything."
Rodney looks at him them, sees how still Sheppard's holding himself, the wariness, and rolls his eyes. "You're welcome."
Sheppard relaxes a little at that, throws him a sheepish smile and Rodney frowns, positive something's bothering him.
"I didn't do anything embarrassing, did I?" Sheppard asks, staring hard at his feet to avoid looking at Rodney.
"Like what?" Rodney can't help but smile because there's just so much material to choose from, some of it even based on actual events. "There was the time you - "
"Keep in mind I can always ask Teyla the truth." Sheppard warns, giving Rodney a meaningful look, although there's the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "And I'm sure Radek would give you up in a heartbeat for the right price."
"You didn't do anything truly embarrassing, just unbelievably stupid." Which is the truth, given that Sheppard was a cat and people tend to make allowances for that sort of thing. "Although, there was the whole matter of you being utterly terrified of Ronon."
And all right, now that joke is funny.
"What?"
Rodney shakes his head, hides his smirk behind his hand and barely keeps from laughing at the look on Sheppard's face. "Ask Teyla, she'll tell you."
Sheppard gives him a suspicious look and sighs, gaze going back to the vast expanse of ocean before them.
He doesn't say anything, just moves a little closer and thinks of the past week and soft fur beneath his hands and Sheppard's rusty purr. Wonders if maybe the relaxed set of Sheppard's shoulders and the tiny not-quite smile on his lips is the human equivalent.
The thing with Ronon's joke has to do with an earlier draft of this story before I'd settled on what I was going to turn John into, and it just didn't work as well in later drafts. You can find the outtake here.
Genre: CRACK
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: So very much not mine.
Summary: By the time they manage to make it to one of the populated levels of the city Rodney's wet, cold, and just about done.
Notes: A long, long, long time ago owleyes_arisen requested an SGA fic that was either fluffy or cracktastic. Um. This is both? *hides*
By the time they manage to make it to one of the populated levels of the city Rodney's wet, cold, and just about done. He has a whole new set of muscles he never even knew about before he managed to strain them carting Sheppard's dead weight around the lower levels of Atlantis.
And that's another thing.
Sheppard's out cold and nothing Rodney's tried has been able to bring him out of it, which is really more terrifying than he's willing to admit.
"This is so not my fault." Just like the past three hours, Sheppard doesn't answer. "I told you we should have waited, but no. No! you wanted to take a look, 'Just a quick peek, Rodney', 'What's the harm, Rodney?', 'This is so cool, Rodney!' and now look at you! Look at me, for god's sake!"
Rodney's tired and sore and he can't risk stopping to rest now, because while they're in a cleared section of the city, they're still pretty far from help and their radios are long gone. He's knows if he sits down he won't be getting up again anytime soon, and that could be bad, so very, very bad for Sheppard.
"Just remember that I was the one who said not to go inside, Sheppard." Rodney mutters, something in his chest tightening when there's no drawling comeback, no sarcastic reply. "Don't make me take the blame for this."
Nothing, and that's what worries him most, so he keeps going. One hand trailing against the walls as he follows the corridors towards the main part of the city, towards light and warmth and help. He's so busy concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other that when he turns a corner he almost doesn't notice the patrolling Marine.
"Oh, thank god." Rodney's never been so glad to see another human being, even one of Sheppard's grunts. "I could use a hand here."
The Marine just stares at them, and Rodney's relief melts into annoyance. The two of them have been missing for hours already and he's not in the mood for stupid people.
"Now, Marine!" He lets his frustration bleed through because he's had a really, really bad day.
The guy actually jumps to attention before keying his radio to report that yes, McKay's been found and yes, he's going to need a medical team and god, yes, now would be good.
When that's taken care of the Marine helps settle Rodney against the wall despite his muttered protests that he can't. He can't because Sheppard still needs help, but the Marine doesn't listen. Just gently pushes him down until he's sitting, Atlantis solid against his back, telling him that everything's going to be fine. Everything's going to be okay, Beckett will take care of him and he'll be -
Rodney's eyes narrow and he reaches out to grab the poor Marine's vest, dragging him close. "Everything is not going to be fine," he growls. Sheppard's still out, still down. "Elizabeth's going to kill me."
The Marine stares at him with wide eyes and Rodney snorts in disgust, shoving him away and looking over at Sheppard. "They're all going to kill me."
The Marine says nothing, but moves to a safe distance to keep an eye on them until the medical team gets there. And while Rodney would normally find the poor man's obvious unease amusing and worthy of mockery, at the moment he's just really, really tired.
"Sir - "
Rodney looks up to see the Marine staring at them, well, Sheppard, and sighs. "You're new here, aren't you?" He doesn't recognize the guy and Sheppard likes to give his new recruits a little time to acclimate to life in Atlantis before throwing them through the 'gate and into the wilds of Pegasus.
The Marine nods, still staring, and Rodney laughs, nothing more than a soft exhalation of air. "Don't worry," he mumbles, tipping his head back against the wall. "You get used to it after a while."
He can feel the Marine's eyes on him, but that's fine, cool, even, to use Sheppard's turn of phrase, because it's getting harder to keep his eyes open and he can feel the faint pounding of running feet through the floor and raised voices drawing closer.
"Sir?"
"Oh, good." His words are starting to slur, consonants and vowels running together. "The cavalry's almost here."
The Marine gives him a worried look and moves nearer, twisting around with his weapon raised when Carson and his team come tearing around the corner.
"I'm just going to take a little nap now." Rodney says, sliding over onto his side because hey, the floor's really not that bad once you've been slogging around in sewer system for a few hours and wow, apparently he really did need that break. "Let me know if you need me."
The Marine's eyes go wide and Carson's swearing like a seasoned sailor and Rodney finds that utterly hilarious for some reason, which is about the time everything goes dark.
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Things are pretty much one big blur for a while after that, and he isn't really aware of his surroundings until the second day after their little disastrous mission.
Even then he's not really lucid until sometime during the middle of the night with only the soft beeping of the heart monitor and who knows what else attached to him breaking the silence.
Turning his head to the side he's surprised to see Teyla camped out in a chair beside his bed, looking quietly relieved to see him awake. She's wearing mission gear, and something tells him she hasn't been there long.
"Where's Sheppard?" He asks, struggling to sit up. "He's here, right? He's not," Rodney swallows hard and somehow isn't surprised that he can't even put what he's thinking, dreading, into words. "He's okay, right?"
The expression on Teyla's face shifts from openly relieved to worried, and oh god, that's not a good thing. It's never a good thing and he knows what she's going to tell him. "Rodney," Teyla's voice is soft and gentle. "Colonel Sheppard was not with you. Ronon and the others are out searching for him as we speak, but - "
Rodney stares at her, horrified because he remembers carrying Sheppard. Remembers seeing him laid out cold after the stupid Ancient device sprang to life, remembers everything.
"Oh my god. You don't know, do you?"
Teyla shakes her head and reaches out to touch his arm, regret and sorrow in her eyes. "Rodney..."
He shakes her hand off and scowls, because he's not a child, not an idiot. He could handle it if Sheppard were...if he were, but he's not, and right now Rodney just really needs her to listen.
"Okay, look. Here's the deal. Sheppard's not dead, okay? He's alive and in one piece and..." He trails off as Biro walks through the doors, completely absorbed in what she's doing as she crosses the infirmary whistling cheerfully, and a terrible, terrible thought occurs to him.
Rodney turns back to Teyla, grabbing her arm and probably looking as far from sane as he ever has. "Please tell me that woman didn't get her hands on him. Please tell me he hasn't been dissected."
"We would never allow that to happen." Teyla says indignantly, but it's only half as reassuring as it's meant to be because they still don't know.
"Okay, okay." He mutters, releasing his grip on Teyla's arm. "There was...I wasn't alone when I ran into that Marine, right? There was someo - I mean I wasn't alone, right?" Desperation has never been a good look for him, but it's never a good look for anyone.
Teyla shakes her head, frowning. "You were not, but I do not see how - "
"They're not going to find him." The certainty in his voice gets through to Teyla and she stares at him, finally sees what he's trying to tell her. "They're not going to find him and I need your help."
She doesn't look pleased, but she gives in with her usual grace. "Very well."
Rodney smiles at her and points at the monitors arrayed around his bed. "Turn those off, we've got an idiot to find."
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They make a brief detour to his quarters so he can change into a shirt and actual pants before heading to the science labs. Teyla keeps shooting him concerned looks, which must mean that he probably looks at least as bad as he feels, but she never says anything. He's feeling a little nervous that they've managed to get as far as they have without being caught when they hear furious cursing and what sounds like a crash coming from one of the smaller labs.
Teyla glances at him, eyebrow raised as though asking if such things are a common occurrence.
"No." He says by way of answer, eyes narrowing. "It isn't, and when I get my hands on whatever moron is in there breaking things, I'm going to - "
Only he never gets to tell her what he's going to do because the lab's doors slide open and something small and dark and wickedly fast zips out of the lab and down the hall in their direction.
Teyla moves to put herself in front of him, but the thing zigs and zags and neatly avoids her as it leaps, corridor lights glinting off bright, bright eyes as it hits his chest. The force of the impact coupled with his injuries sends him staggering into the wall, and from there back onto the floor.
He takes that as a sign and just lies there trying to get his breath back while Teyla rushes to his side, eyeing the thing perched on his chest warily.
"Rodney - "
"No. No, this is good." Rodney wheezes, craning his neck to see bright green eyes staring back at him. "In fact, this actually saves us a lot of time and effort."
There's a beat or two of silence, and Rodney's smart enough not to look up at Teyla, so he finds himself staring at the...animal.
"Rodney - "
"For the record?" Rodney says, holding up a finger. "This was so very much not my fault."
He can pretty much see the look Teyla must be giving him, but he's tired and sore and the painkillers are starting to wear off, so he decides to add cranky to the list. "Also, you might want to call off the search for Sheppard."
Another moment of silence, a little awkward, but then Teyla's moving away speaking softly into her radio and Rodney drops his head back against the floor and closes his eyes, savoring the last moment of peace he knows he's going to have for a long, long time.
A second later someone rushes out of the lab the thing came out of looking panicked until he spots Teyla and Rodney. Then the look on his face shifts into outright fear, and for a very good reason.
"There's a - "
"I know." Rodney snaps, sitting up after the creature obligingly hops off his chest to stand next to him, tail twitching in annoyance.
Teyla's almost smiling at him in that reserved Athosian way of hers. "Perhaps it would be best to discuss this someplace else."
Rodney completely agrees with her on that, in fact he thinks it's an excellent idea because the floor isn't as comfortable as he seems to remember.
"That would be good." Except for the part where he actually has to explain everything. "The briefing room, then?"
This time Teyla does smile, extending a hand to help him to his feet. "I think in light of your injuries, it would be best to visit the infirmary first."
And that is why he thinks Teyla is both one of the most wonderful people he's ever met and one of the most sadistic. Carson's probably having a minor fit at his escape and that just can't end well for him.
"Oh. Um...thank you?"
Teyla just smiles.
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The problem, Rodney realizes, isn't that Sheppard's now a cat - he's managed to come to terms with that just fine, thank you - it's that none of them are completely certain just how much of Sheppard is in control.
Carson and Henderson from biology have been doing scans, taking samples, and performing tests and all they can say with any sort of certainty is that Sheppard looks and acts like a cat, aside from the furless patches that reveals the soft sheen of blue-black scales.
There are three of them, and Rodney knows how and why they got there. He also knows exactly why no one can bear to look at them.
Henderson seems to think it was simply the only way the device that transformed Sheppard into a small four-legged animal was able to compensate for his unique mish-mash of DNA.
So they're all treating Sheppard as though he's been turned into a perfectly normal Earth cat with scales that aren't strictly reptilian in nature and seem to share some sort of similarity to those of the Iratus bugs like it's completely normal, which really? Not so much, but it's Atlantis and they're in Pegasus and there's not much else they can say about that.
Rodney's back in the infirmary as per Teyla's carefully worded suggestion, and so is Henderson, the moron that had been left in charge of Sheppard after Rodney passed out, because Rodney McKay does not faint.
Sheppard is leaning hard against Rodney's legs, hunkered down with his ears laid flat either out of annoyance or some residual resentment towards Henderson and the whole 'I was preparing to dissect the specimen' spiel he gave them when Elizabeth demanded to know what was going on.
Elizabeth and Teyla are on one side with Henderson on the other and they're waiting on Radek, who's taking his own sweet time and has clearly never heard of things like transporters.
Sheppard bares his teeth when Henderson leans in to get a better look at him and Rodney winces when Henderson completely misses the obvious and gets a nasty scratch for his stupidity.
"Okay, that wasn't my fault." Rodney says, reaching out to pull Sheppard away from Henderson before he draws more blood. "Clearly, you have never been around cats in your entire life."
He says it with something like disdain and pity, and completely without sympathy because even a toddler would know better than to get that close to a threatened animal.
Elizabeth clears her throat and Rodney looks at her blankly for a moment before her expression registers, and even then he doesn't feel badly for Henderson. The man's an idiot and several kinds of incompetent and...and Elizabeth just gives him The Look.
"Not my fault!" Rodney reiterates, hands up in a placating gesture. "Also? Watch the claws, they're sharp."
This last is directed at Carson as he moves to get a better looks at the scratches on Henderson's hand, getting a little too close to Sheppard if the soft hiss is any indication.
Elizabeth raises an eyebrow and Rodney shrugs, weirdly defensive. It's not like Sheppard scratched him on purpose during their daring adventures in Atlantis' underbelly, but he really does have sharp claws that went through the thin fabric of his shirt more than once.
"What I don't understand," Elizabeth keeps shooting little looks at Sheppard as though she can't believe any of this is happening, "is how this occurred in the first place. The two of you were supposed to be - "
"Exploring the new wing of living quarters Sheppard's Marines discovered, yes, I know." Rodney interrupts, because Elizabeth had dumped that on the two of them as some sort of punishment for the perceived slight of a visiting dignitary that had been...well, certainly not intentional on their parts. And really, how were they to know certain otherwise innocuous hand gestures would be construed in that way anyhow? "Apparently the Ancients were not without their fair share of mad scientists."
"I'm sorry?"
Rolling his eyes, Rodney waves a hand at Sheppard. "We were doing just that when the Colonel touched something and poof, we were in a lab in a different part of the city."
"'Poof'?"
And that would be Radek, out of breath and looking frazzled as he rushes towards them, late and well aware of it as he flashes a small smile of apology that Elizabeth falls for every single time.
"Can you describe this 'poof'? I am not familiar with it as a scientific term."
Eyes narrowing, Rodney gives Radek a dark look. "The lights flickered, there was no sense of motion involved, and there was the added bonus of a cloud of dust when we arrived in the lab, so...poof."
Radek straightens at the glare Rodney gives him, laptop held close to his chest. "Ah, yes. I understand clearly now. The two of you go exploring and stumble upon the first known Ancient mad scientist."
Rodney grits his teeth and forces a smile while Sheppard hunches down, muted growl coming from his throat as he senses his annoyance. "It would appear so, yes."
"Somehow I am not surprised." Radek says, settling his laptop on a rollaway table that he drags over to the huddle around his bed. "You are both...what is the phrase?"
Elizabeth's eyebrow goes up, and Rodney's eyes narrow because he knows what she's thinking. And yes, okay, so maybe they've run into their fair share of unusual circumstances, but it's hardly as though they're the only ones. As highly valuable members of the senior staff it only makes sense that their exploits garners more attention.
Really.
"Ha, ha. Yes, please make a joke about this because it's not like the military commander of Atlantis is now a cat or anything." Rodney snaps, irritated and annoyed and maybe, maybe, a tad bit worried.
"We have to get back to that lab, find the device and fix this." And if Rodney's feeling a little bit desperate and a maybe a little guilty, it's no one's business but his own. And Sheppard's, since he's staring up at him with this...this look in his eyes.
"Unfortunately, that is not possible at this point in time." Radek says quietly tapping away at his laptop. "With Ronon's help we were able to retrace your steps to the lab you mentioned. This one here?"
Rodney lens forward to get a better looks at the section of the city Radek has pulled up on his laptop and nods, not all that surprised that they've already pinpointed the area. According to Teyla it's been days since they made it back to a populated are of the city and since they hadn't known about Sheppard at the time...well.
Radek shakes his head and turns the laptop back to face him. "All points of entry have been blocked. One has been completely flooded and the others have suffered severe structural damage. Even if we were to go in with a fully equipped team, it would be weeks before we could clear away the debris, and even then..."
"Even then there's no guarantee that the lab would be intact." Rodney finishes for him, and they share a look because they know what that means, and not just for Sheppard.
It also explains why Radek was late.
"All right." Elizabeth says, and everyone looks over at her. "For the moment Major Lorne will assume Colonel Sheppard's duties, and I want every available person working on fixing this, is that clear?"
Rodney shares another look with Radek because it means sleepless nights and endless days spent trawling through the Ancient database and organizing teams and other lesser nightmares.
Elizabeth looks at all of them, searching for what, Rodney isn't sure, and smiles in satisfaction when she finds when she sees whatever it is she's looking for. "If that's all, let's get to work people."
She waits until Henderson is gone before turning back to look at Sheppard, expression unreadable.
"We'll fix this, Elizabeth." Rodney tells her, more because he can't imagine not being able to than anything else.
She looks at him and the corner of her mouth curves into a wry smile. "Somehow, I don't doubt that, Rodney. I really don't."
========
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The next three days are just as hellish as Rodney expected, but Radek is right there with him through all of it, so it's not as bad as it could have been. At least Radek isn't completely worthless and occasionally has a good idea. Best of all though? He has a secret stash of truly glorious coffee hidden away for times just like this.
Well, maybe not just like this, because Rodney's fairly certain he'd remember it if Sheppard managed to get himself transformed into a cat, but, well...
It's not like life in Pegasus is without bizarre situations or anything, and Sheppard being turned into a cat? That merits the good kind of coffee.
Sheppard's a cat. No matter how many times Rodney repeats it to himself or sees actual, solid proof of the fact, it doesn't get any less weird. Sheppard is a big, lean cat with sleek black fur and a penchant for finding trouble in all the wrong places.
"His gene still works."
Radek pulls his head out of the console he's tearing apart to glare at him. "What?"
Rodney shakes his head and reaches for his coffee mug. "Sheppard's gene still works, did I tell you that? I found him playing with the bathroom faucet this morning. Turning it on and off over and over again like it was the best thing in the world."
Radek just stares at him for a long, long moment, and then over at the dozing ball of black fur tangled up in Rodney's uniform jacket on a workbench.
"Have you informed Carson of this? Or Henderson? Elizabeth, perhaps?" Radek doesn't sound like he's accusing Rodney of keeping potentially vital information away from those who might know what the hell it all means, he just sounds tired and a tiny bit grumpy.
Something that's completely understandable, what with the hours the two of them have been keeping recently.
If Sheppard's upset that he no longer has opposable thumbs he hasn't shown it, and if he's upset that he's no longer human, he doesn't seem to notice. Which, honestly? Somehow not as troubling as Rodney would have expected.
Sheppard's taken to trailing Rodney around the city, sticking to his side like glue - except for the times when he feels like exploring, which is a special little headache in itself right there. So far in the past few days he's found several alternate routes into the control room, the infirmary, the cafeteria and now? Rodney's lab.
No one knows how he does it, but he also seems capable of teleporting himself all over the city. Rodney suspects that Sheppard's either found some sort of hidden transporter system or is just faster than he's shown them so far, but given the things he's seen since they first came to Atlantis, Rodney isn't completely dismissing the teleportation theory out of hand.
"No, and I don't think I'm going to have to. He keeps experimenting, almost like he's testing to see if and how well his gene still works. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to take one of the Puddlejumpers out for a test flight."
Radek frowns at that, although there's a hint of amusement in his voice when he speaks. "Ah, I would not say that too loudly, were I you, Rodney. The Colonel might take it as a challenge."
He would too, Rodney knows. Dangle a challenge or dare in front of him and it's as though any shred of common sense he might have completely disappears.
Still. Not the point, at least not at the moment.
They've been making progress of a sort, vague leads and bits of information gathered from the Ancient database that has led them to a tiny lab on the far side of the city with a military escort just outside the room in case anything happens.
Whoever their mysterious Ancient scientist was, insane or maybe just slightly left of center, he was brilliant, and now the bulk of his work, his research is buried where they can't get to it.
Except for this one lab holding where it seems he did his earlier work, saving his files and research data in a computer console isolated from the main database.
"Rodney. Perhaps it is time for a break, yes? Get some sleep, or at the very least some food." Radek makes a face, waves a hand in an exaggerated gesture. "A shower would not be a terrible idea, either."
Looking up he finds Radek looking at him, genuine concern behind the sarcasm and for the first time in hours realizes just how tired he is, how hard he's been going at this. How hard both of them have, although Radek's smart enough to know exhaustion breeds mistakes and has managed to get some sleep every now and then.
"I - "
Radek sighs, glances over to where Sheppard's awake and watching them. "Go, feed the Colonel and yourself and get some sleep, yes? This problem, it is not one that can be solved quickly, I'm afraid."
The hell of it is that Radek's right and Rodney doesn't want that. What he wants is for Sheppard to be back to his usual annoying self. Poking and prodding at things he shouldn't, saying the wrong things to the wrong people and most of all, annoying the hell out of Rodney every chance he gets.
"Go, Rodney. This console will take some time to fix, and I will call you when I'm done. Then we can continue working. It is a brilliant plan, no?"
Rodney snorts, although he thinks he might actually be smiling a little bit, and gets to his feet. Sheppard yawns, pink gums and sharp white teeth and slowly, clearly because he chooses to, untangles himself from Rodney's jacket and moves to stand next to the door. He looks back at Rodney as if asking what the hold up is, and this time Rodney really does smile.
========
========
Sheppard refuses to go anywhere near Ronon.
They aren't sure if it's something about Ronon that only Sheppard can sense in his new form, or something else altogether about him that puts him off. Personally, Rodney thinks it might have something to do with Ronon's sense of humor and a distasteful joke more than anything else.
It certainly didn't help that the first time Ronon actually saw Sheppard after his transformation he drew his gun and tried to shoot him, but the little scene in the cafeteria afterwards? Definitely didn't help.
Sometimes Rodney wonders if the people around him are selectively stupid because there can only be one reason Sheppard's terrified of Ronon, and it isn't the way he smells or looks to Sheppard. It's the way he looks at Sheppard, like he's some sort of tasty delicacy, and the thought alone makes Rodney a little sick even though he's well aware that Ronon's only doing it to mess with Sheppard's tiny little brain.
So when he walks into the cafeteria and finds Ronon sharing a table with Teyla as they eat dinner, Rodney almost, almost turns on his heels and walks out of the room. It's not like he doesn't have an MRE or three stashed in his quarters or the ever dependable Power Bar.
Sheppard paws at his pant leg and Rodney doesn't look down at him because somehow he isn't immune to the big, sad kitty eyes of his and -
"Okay, fine. Whatever. I'll get you something to eat here, happy now?" Rodney mutters, straightening his jacket before heading for the tantalizing smells filling the room.
Fish, definitely some kind of fish, and those little meatball things Sheppard's fond of and Rodney knows the exact moment Sheppard realizes Ronon's in the room. If the startled hiss didn't give it away, the little pinpricks of pain on his leg and back as Sheppard claws his way up onto his shoulders certainly would.
"Ow."
Actually, that doesn't even begin to describe it because Sheppard is a huge cat. Huge and all muscle and as everyone knows muscle weighs more than fat and those claws of his aren't just for decoration. Rodney's gone through four shirts now thanks to Ronon and his sense of humor and Sheppard's paranoia.
Sheppard hisses again, fur standing on end and he doesn't need to turn his head to know Sheppard's leaning hard against him, trying his best to look intimidating. He also doesn't need to look to know Ronon's grinning at them, big and toothy and amused.
"Once again," Rodney says, turning to glare at Ronon. "Not funny. And also, once again, I'll expect you to replace this shirt as you are responsible for Sheppard using it, and myself, as some sort of mobile climbing apparatus."
Ronon just shrugs and goes back to his food, but it's easy to read the amusement practically rolling off him and really. There's just no talking to some people. Especially when they're Ronon.
Teyla gives Ronon an annoyed look and turns to Rodney, apology or explanation on her lips, but Rodney dismisses it with a tired shake of his head. "I've heard it all before, and I'm not in the mood for it at the moment."
Teyla frowns at that, but lets it go. She isn't pleased with the entire situation, but it isn't as though Rodney's exactly happy either, so he figures that's just as well.
With a weary sigh, Rodney goes to get them food and takes care to give Ronon and Teyla's table a wide berth on the way back to his quarters. He doesn't like having to stay away from the rest of his teammates, it feels wrong, but until Sheppard's back to normal or just learns to deal with Ronon, he doesn't have much choice in the matter.
========
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Rodney still isn't one hundred percent sure as to why Sheppard's chosen to attach himself to him for the duration of his unfortunate transformation.
Sheppard's perfectly content to sleep on Rodney's bed, hogging his pillows and unleashing his claws on Rodney's clothes when he's tired or annoyed or angry or just feeling unappreciated.
Sheppard treats Elizabeth with a sort of wary respect, maintaining a sort of distance from her that he doesn't with anyone else. He seems equally as comfortable with Lorne as he does with Radek, treating them both as convenient stepping-stones or perches when they happen to be in the right place at the right time. Carson, he flat-out avoids, skulking around corridors and hard to get to niches whenever he senses him approaching to avoid being taken in for more tests. He goes out of his way to avoid Ronon when he sees him first and goes on the defensive when he doesn't.
But when it comes to Teyla? He adores, completely and utterly adores Teyla. Sheppard's all over her at every opportunity he gets, and really? Who wouldn't be?
"You're enjoying this far too much, you know." Rodney tells him when they reach his quarters.
Sheppard trots ahead to his nest of blankets and Rodney's ruined shirts by the bed, looks back at him and makes a mournful little sound. Discontent with the fact that Rodney's all the way over there by the door with his food while he's over here.
Rolling his eyes, Rodney can't believe he's letting himself be bossed around by a transfigured moron with spiky hair and no sense of self-preservation.
"Also, you need to suck it up when it comes to Ronon because I am, quite frankly, running out of shirts and we both know Ronon has no intention of replacing them."
Ronon finds the entire situation unrelentingly hilarious, and when Rodney catches the idiot who first told him that stupid 'Tastes like chicken' joke he's going to -
Sheppard doesn't quite meow, but he does make this odd little squeaking noise when he wants attention, and as they've all learned by now, he hisses and snarls and growls when he feels the need. When he's relaxed, content, he purrs. It's a broken, disused sound that makes something in Rodney's chest constrict when he hears it.
Sheppard makes that squeaking noise now, head cocked in an inquisitive manner and Rodney scowls at him. "No, you cannot." He mutters, pulling his own plate closer because it seems as though Sheppard has somehow developed a second stomach and is never satisfied with his own food. "If you want more, go get it yourself."
Sheppard squeaks again, lower this time - almost a growl - and Rodney snorts, completely unimpressed. He's been around cats for the vast majority of his life and he knows when he has to stand firm before them lest they gain complete control.
Besides, it's Sheppard.
"No."
This time Sheppard goes for the big guns, getting up and padding over to Rodney where he rubs against his legs and tries for cute and adorable and obviously in need of feeding or he will die.
"Oh my god. You seriously have no shame, do you?" Rodney says, almost choking on his food because there's cute and then there's whatever Sheppard's doing.
Sheppard's eyes narrow and he moves away from Rodney, stiff-legged and annoyed and making little irritated noises as he leaps up onto the bed to curl up in the middle of the pillows.
"Oh, no. Sheppard. No way, not after that...that display! You have your own bed, go sleep in it!"
A flick of an ear and Sheppard turns away from him, wrapping himself into a surprisingly tiny ball of fur and feigns sleep in a ploy designed to drive Rodney crazy because it's so, so obvious he is anything but asleep and -
"I should get you neutered when I have the chance." Rodney mutters, shoving his mostly empty plate away. "Save us the trouble of being hit by a paternity suit later down the road. Elizabeth would probably thank me for it, give me a commendation for acting in the best interest of everyone in the city."
Sheppard lifts his heard and gives Rodney a long, long look, unimpressed and so very not amused and yawns, pink tongue and sharp teeth all over again. He shakes his head and with twists into another improbable shape before settling down to sleep.
Rodney stares at him, realizing that he's stuck with a furry pillow stealing lump on his bed.
Again.
========
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In the middle of the fourth day they make a breakthrough.
Of sorts.
Radek's finished reassembling the console he'd had to take apart because ten thousand years - give or take - of disuse and neglect isn't all that wonderful for delicate pieces of technology.
They spend several hours going through the files they've managed to retrieve, Sheppard napping on the workbench he's apparently claimed as his, everything going along the same way it has for the last few.
Until.
"Is that what I think it is?"
Rodney looks up to see Radek scowling at his laptop screen, glasses reflecting ancient script and frowns. "What did you find?"
Radek doesn't answer right away, just keeps typing away, glance moving from the console to his laptop and Rodney shoves away from his station to look over his shoulder.
"That...is that what I think it is?" Rodney knows he's repeating Radek, but this? This is something worth repeating. It's certainly something worth getting excited about, because it means they might have found something.
Sheppard uncurls from his spot and peers at them, ears pricked forward and tail twitching slightly, catching the current of excitement running through the room.
"It...it certainly seems to be, but...do you think it would still be - "
"There's no telling." Rodney says, moving closer for a better look even though there's no real reason, just symbols laid out one after another in a specific pattern and a handful of words that look like they were tacked on as nothing more than an afterthought Hastily written, like whoever had added them had been in a rush or was distracted by something. "Ten thousand years is a long time."
Radek snorts, glances back at Rodney, mouth pulled up into a wry smile. "Ah, but he was an Ancient, yes?"
"Don't forget he was also a mad scientist."
Waving a hand as though that part isn't important, Radek then points at the screen. "Yes, yes. Mad scientist, hidden lab, secret passageway, we have been through all of that before many, many times."
If it weren't for the fact that this may be what they were looking for, information hinting at a secondary lab holed away on some backwater planet, Rodney would find Radek's attitude vaguely unsettling. Maybe more than vaguely unsettling, but still. There's a chance they'll be able to find something - anything - that might help them turn Sheppard back into his regular annoying form.
"We need to tell Elizabeth. Organize a team, plan a mission..."
Radek laughs, smiles and looks up at Rodney, at Sheppard who's joined them, staring intently at the screen. "We may have found a way to finally fix the Colonel, yes?"
Sheppard tenses at that, ears going back and Rodney makes a muffled choking noise, waving Radek off as he turns away to call Elizabeth, Sheppard glaring at him the entire time.
========
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Everything goes perfectly to plan while they're actually planning the mission, except for the part where Rodney has to tell Sheppard that pets aren't allowed through the Stargate.
And yes, okay, so he maybe he shouldn't have phrased it just like that, but he'd really expected that Sheppard would have a better sense of humor about the whole thing by now.
Sheppard plants himself over Rodney's laptop and refuses to move even when Rodney threatens him with the spray bottle. They both know it's an empty threat on Rodney's part because there's no possible way the laptop would come out unscathed.
In the end he has to go to Teyla for help, and they wind up locking Sheppard in his bathroom long enough for them to get through the Stargate.
It isn't until they get to the planet and discover that it isn't as uninhabited as they thought that things take a turn for the worse, and not in the usual screaming and fleeing for their very lives sort of way.
"I can't believe it." Rodney mutters, giving Lorne a dirty look since he's locked up with him. "We finally find what we're looking for and we get arrested for trespassing."
The only bright spot is that they were caught after they'd found what looked to be a proto-type of the machine that had transformed Sheppard.
The sheriff's intrepid deputy/sidekick is currently out keeping an eye on Ronon and Teyla, leaving the two of them to 'Cool their heels for a bit' while the sheriff chats up the mayor and his daughter.
Lorne shrugs and goes back to playing solitaire. "Hey, could be worse." He offers, not bothering to look up. "At least they let Ronon and Teyla contact Atlantis."
Rodney snorts, leaning against the back of their cell, arms crossed. He feels out of place in the dusty old jail, metal bars and wooden floors, and is mildly disappointed that their jailor wasn't wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat and the requisite cowboy boots complete with jangling spurs.
"Yes, to ask Elizabeth to post bail for us. Why doesn't this sort of thing ever happen to anybody else?"
Another shrug, but this time Lorne looks up, mouth quirked in a small smile. "Just lucky, I guess." He says, like he isn't secretly laughing his ass off.
Which, of course, is when they hear a metallic jingling sound and look up to see -
"Sheppard?"
Sheppard trotting towards them, giant keyring in his mouth and looking all too pleased with himself as he sits down right in front of their tiny, tiny cell and drops the keys.
Just out of reach.
"How - " Rodney shakes his head because it's not important how Sheppard got there, just that he is, and has ever so helpfully stolen the keys to their cell. And is not so helpfully enjoying their predicament. The bastard.
"Okay, look." Rodney says, trying for a conciliatory tone and only making as far as mildly annoyed. "I'm sorry for locking you in my bathroom, but it's not like we could just take you along, you know. You're hardly in any condition to - "
Sheppard's ears go back in warning and Rodney stops mid-sentence, licking his lips as he reconsiders his words. "As nice as it is that you've managed to sneak through the Stargate, I don't think a jailbreak is going to do us any favors at the moment."
Although it pains him to say it, it's true. These people haven't actually harmed them, and actually seem more amused than anything. Elizabeth, he knows, is probably trying to open lines of trade and alliance with them and wouldn't be all that pleased to find that they've managed to destroy any chance of that by escaping the local jail for trespassing charges.
Rodney's well aware of Lorne watching their exchange, which really can't be all that entertaining, but Sheppard's listening at least, head cocked to the side.
"Yes, yes, I know. And if this were a life-threatening situation, I would definitely be grateful and all of that, but as it is..." He trails off and gestures at the rickety building around them. "We're stuck in someone's idea of a bad western, Sheppard. Elizabeth is no doubt negotiating for our release as we speak. There's nothing to worry about."
Except for the part where it feels hideously wrong for him to be the one reassuring Sheppard that their lives are not, nor were they ever, in danger on this mission despite the brief moment of uncertainty when the sheriff and his deputy had shown up.
He's certain that in ordinary circumstances he'd be allowed the luxury of freaking out over that. Just a little.
Sheppard squeaks, annoyed that his timely rescue isn't necessary, and picks the keyring up to put it back wherever he found it. When he comes back he squeezes through the bars of their cell and circles wide around Rodney before making his way over to Lorne, dropping down in front of him to watch him play solitaire.
Rolling his eyes, Rodney moves back to the back of the cell and continues counting holes in the ceiling, picking up where he left off while they wait to be set free.
========
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When the sheriff comes back with Ronon, Teyla, and half the town, they have to explain that yes, Sheppard is theirs and no, he's not dangerous or likely to spread disease.
In order to prove their claims they wind up showing everyone that Sheppard likes being scratched behind his ears, playing with bits of string, and gnawing on Power Bars as opposed to human flesh.
Sheppard puts up with the humiliating ordeal well enough, squeaking and rubbing up against their ankles, doing his best to look like someone's pet that somehow followed its people through the Stargate and onto an alien planet.
Lorne jumps in when the mayor asks about the scales with something about a harmless rash and the medical regimen involved treating it while Rodney's brain is still going in circles trying to come up with a reasonable explanation that doesn't sound completely insane.
Lorne and Ronon manage to keep it together long enough to pull it off, although it's clear from the look on their faces that they're about to die from pent up laughter. Teyla maintains her cool behind her 'I am the leader of my people and as such am immune to such foolish antics' face and Rodney just glowers a lot, so it's not like anyone can tell the difference.
It isn't until they're in the meeting room for the debriefing that Elizabeth's amusement fades and she gets down to business. Pleased that no one was injured or harmed in any way, satisfied that they've gained another trading partner, and utterly furious at Sheppard's actions.
Rodney isn't entirely sure she's wrong to be angry because Sheppard could have gotten hurt or lost or worse on that dirtball of a planet and none of them have known. Might never have known what happened to him, and that's what terrifies him the most.
As thrilled as he is that they now have proof Sheppard's more or less himself - there's no other way to explain his incredibly stupid decision to follow them off-world - he's worried Sheppard's going to get himself killed before they get a chance to fix him.
Rodney has to explain to Elizabeth and the others that it's going to take Radek and him at the very least another day, maybe more, to ensure that the prototype device is going to work the way they think it will instead of incinerating Sheppard or transforming him into something else.
"All right then," Elizabeth says, giving Sheppard a warning look. "But I expect the two of you to get some sleep - real sleep, Rodney - before attempting anything. If this is our only chance I want everyone involved to be at their best. Is that understood?"
Rodney grimaces, knowing there is no sense in arguing when she uses that tone of voice.
Sheppard pads alongside him on the way to his quarters, gaze focused straight ahead the entire time and Rodney can't tell if he's thinking about what could have happened on the mission or something else completely.
"That was incredibly stupid of you." He says as they reach his quarters, doors sliding shut behind them. "Elizabeth's right, we were lucky nothing happened."
Sheppard turns to regard him as the unspoken 'To you' drops between them, eyes narrowed, tail flicking back and forth in what Rodney recognizes as anger, which he understands. Really. It's not like he's never felt the same sort of helplessness when it comes to Sheppard or Teyla or Ronon or anyone else, it's just that this time, this time...
"You're a cat." Rodney says, hands waving in an attempt to describe just how badly Sheppard's latest four-legged escapades scared him. "A cat, Sheppard."
He can't seem to say anything else, words failing him as he stares down at Sheppard. Not helpless, but as good as, and if the people they'd run into had been anything less than quietly amused at their antics it could have -
"Just...just don't do anything like that again."
Sheppard sneezes, gives himself a shake and trots off as though he hasn't heard a single word Rodney said.
========
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The next day Lorne stops by the lab five times in three hours, Sheppard riding on his shoulders, and requests that Rodney do something.
"Do what, exactly?" Rodney asks, eyeing Sheppard suspiciously. There's a definite air of smug satisfaction about him as he lounges from his position wrapped around Lorne's shoulders like an expensive fur.
"Colonel Sheppard has spent the better part of the morning setting off the security system, showing up in unauthorized areas via routes that no one can figure out, and generally driving me insane trying to keep tabs on him."
Rodney raises an eyebrow at that, and Sheppard tilts his head to one side, eyes gleaming with something very much like glee.
"McKay!"
Gaze snapping back to Lorne's, Rodney scowls and crosses his arms, well aware of Radek's amusement and Sheppard's twitching tail and god, this is not what he needs at the moment.
"Perhaps if you hadn't...what was it? Oh, yes, implied that Sheppard had mange." Rodney bites out, more annoyed than amused as Sheppard's retaliatory acts are keeping him from figuring out how to fix him.
Lorne opens his mouth, closes it again, and gives Sheppard a wounded look. Almost as though he can't believe Sheppard would pull something like this after Lorne kept the sheriff and his trigger-happy sidekick from shooting him.
"And you, stop being an ass and show Lorne how you keep doing whatever it is you're doing." He snaps, glaring at Sheppard, and pauses, shooting Radek a contemplative look. "Although, if you'd rather stay like this, it might be beneficial. Help us ferret out -"
Lorne's sharp intake of breath halts him mid-sentence and when he looks over he stifles a smile when he sees Sheppard's bared teeth.
"Watch the claws, they're sharp."
Lorne smiles tightly and peels Sheppard off with Radek's help. "Thanks, McKay. I hadn't figured that one out myself."
Rodney rolls his eyes and turns back to the device. "Sacrifice a fish to him and see if that gets you anywhere. You also might want to keep in mind that his gene still works, so - "
"What?"
Lorne's voice goes low and even and so very not amused, and it occurs to Rodney that he never actually told anyone besides Radek that Sheppard can still have Atlantis roll over and beg for him in his current state.
Radek gives him a look and scurries back to his side of the lab, staring intently at his laptop screen and neatly removing himself from the situation.
"I didn't mention that?"
"Oddly enough, no." Lorne says. "I think I would have remembered that."
Rodney makes a 'Hmmm' noise and shoots Sheppard a dark look as he slips out of Lorne's hands and follows Radek to his workstation, leaving Rodney facing Lorne on his own. "Must have slipped my mind."
"Of course." Lorne says, and when Rodney glances over Lorne has an odd look on his face, and Rodney's about to ask what the hell his problem is now, but Lorne just smiles. "Bet Henderson would have loved to hear that."
Rodney doesn't say anything because they both know it's true, but there's no way in hell Rodney's going to let Henderson get his grubby little hands on Sheppard again, scientific curiosity be damned.
The look on Lorne's face tells him that he might not have actually said any of that out loud, but he might as well have, given the way his hands are clenched into white-knuckled fists.
Lorne's smile widens just that little bit more.
"Fish, huh?"
Radek saves him from humiliating himself further by piping up that coffee wouldn't go amiss either, and Lorne makes a token protest before leaving.
When he looks up again Radek's actually working, head buried in schematics and data files and Sheppard...
Sheppard is watching him.
"Oh, shut up."
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It takes them the rest of the morning and a good part of the afternoon before they're satisfied that the device isn't going to blow up in their faces or outright kill Sheppard, and by then everyone involved is keyed up and anxious.
Worried that it's not going to work or, stranger yet, that it will, but that there will be adverse effects.
Elizabeth and Carson are standing out of the way on one side of the lab, and there's a medical team on stand-by in case things don't go as smoothly as hoped. Radek's on his fifth coffee, Lorne's eyeing them both warily, and Sheppard is perfectly still.
Sitting on the floor with his tail wrapped neatly around his paws, watching them as they run last-minute tests, do what they can to make sure they're not about to make an irreversible mistake.
"Rodney."
He doesn't look up from his laptop, doesn't stop reading the numbers, doesn't stop worrying.
"Yes, yes. Okay." Rodney says, and gives Sheppard one last look before activating the device.
Flash of light, low humming noise and it's over. Sheppard's whole and human and also -
"Where the hell are my clothes?"
- a little bit on the naked side.
There's a flurry of movement, Carson calling out orders and people rushing, rushing, rushing before Sheppard is herded off to get poked and prodded until everyone's satisfied he's not going to die or anything like that.
Rodney stays behind in the lab, staring at the device, a little stunned that after everything, all the worry and anxiety and fear, all it took was pressing one little button to fix everything.
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Sheppard's memories are a little hazy, although he seems to remember the last few days of transformation the best. He undergoes Carson's tests with admirable patience, and no one's surprised when he all but runs out of the infirmary the moment Carson tells him he's free to go.
Rodney tracks him down to one of the remote piers, feet dangling in the water and doesn't say anything. Just sits down next to him and watches the waves in companionable silence, hands in his lap.
"So, uh." Sheppard looks almost embarrassed, refusing to meet his eyes. "Thanks. You know, for figuring out a way to turn me back and everything."
Rodney looks at him them, sees how still Sheppard's holding himself, the wariness, and rolls his eyes. "You're welcome."
Sheppard relaxes a little at that, throws him a sheepish smile and Rodney frowns, positive something's bothering him.
"I didn't do anything embarrassing, did I?" Sheppard asks, staring hard at his feet to avoid looking at Rodney.
"Like what?" Rodney can't help but smile because there's just so much material to choose from, some of it even based on actual events. "There was the time you - "
"Keep in mind I can always ask Teyla the truth." Sheppard warns, giving Rodney a meaningful look, although there's the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "And I'm sure Radek would give you up in a heartbeat for the right price."
"You didn't do anything truly embarrassing, just unbelievably stupid." Which is the truth, given that Sheppard was a cat and people tend to make allowances for that sort of thing. "Although, there was the whole matter of you being utterly terrified of Ronon."
And all right, now that joke is funny.
"What?"
Rodney shakes his head, hides his smirk behind his hand and barely keeps from laughing at the look on Sheppard's face. "Ask Teyla, she'll tell you."
Sheppard gives him a suspicious look and sighs, gaze going back to the vast expanse of ocean before them.
He doesn't say anything, just moves a little closer and thinks of the past week and soft fur beneath his hands and Sheppard's rusty purr. Wonders if maybe the relaxed set of Sheppard's shoulders and the tiny not-quite smile on his lips is the human equivalent.
The thing with Ronon's joke has to do with an earlier draft of this story before I'd settled on what I was going to turn John into, and it just didn't work as well in later drafts. You can find the outtake here.