Creating a new family (Chapter 10)
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It was nearly an hour later and Satoshi couldn’t sit still anymore. He doodled most of the previous time in a scrapbook Tomoya bought for him when they were in town one day. But he couldn't really concentrate and was a bit frustrated at that. He felt so nervous thinking about meeting his dad later and telling him what he thought about. He didn't even know anymore what he wanted to say to him and tried practising his lines a few times. Not that it helped... Now he contimplated to cancel the meeting after all. Everything he would tell his father was not right and besides it wouldn't even interest the man.
He sighed and stood once again to walk the short distance to the door and was about to open it and peek into the courtroom before he went back and sat on the high chair in front of the desk once more. Satoshi grabbed his pencils agan and tried to draw anything to take his mind of whatever happened in the room beside his. But his hand wouldn't move. He drank a little bit of the soda Nagase brought with him and ate a tiny bit of chocolate before he leaned back in the stool and began tapping his pencil against the desk he stilled again. He tried to be as silent as possible to be able to listen to the trial in the next room but the walls were to thick and he couldn’t hear anything.
He rubbed his face frustrated and scolded himself for being so damn silly. Judith and Tomoya would have told him if they thought that talking with his dad wasn’t good and both said it would be okay. And Satoshi still believed Tomoya would tell him the truth every time about everything, Judith too, but he trusted Tomoya a little bit more. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply to relax which was totally in vain when there was a knock on the door and Tomoya came inside with Lara directly behind him. Satoshi stood up fast and looked at them anxously.
“Hello, Satoshi,” Lara said with a smile and he tried to smile back. But it ended more like a grimace than a real smile so he gave up pretty soon.
“Hello, Lara. Is everything finished?” he asked and Tomoya nodded.
“Yes.” Satoshi looked at him curiously and waited for him to tell him more. “He will be in jail for at least fifteen years and even after that it's not likely that he will be released,” he added and Satoshi nodded once more. Lara looked a bit irritated, clearly not happy about the spilled information, at Tomoya who ignored her and bent down to look into Satoshi’s eyes.
“We asked again if you could meet him before he leaves and they said yes. But only for five minutes top and it has to be now. Are you ready?”
“As ready as I can be,” he replied a little anxious and Tomoya nodded.
“Okay then let's go.”
Satoshi grabbed Tomoya’s hand and followed him outside. Lara was just a step behind them, looking worried. Satoshi tried his hardest to ignore her as it made him even more nervous and he did want this talk! They were going along a long corridor and halted in front of a door. Tomoya stood beside him as he hadn’t let go of his hand and watched him, waiting for him to take the decision of opening the door and stepping inside.
Satoshi stood in front of the door nervously and met Tomoya's eyes. "Will you come inside with me?" he nearly begged and Tomoya nodded much to Satoshi's relief. He took another deep breath and entered the room with Tomoya right behind him. He met eyes with his father's and didn’t feel anything really.
This was the man because of whom his mother died and he despised him for that. But this was also the man who laughed with him so many times, who carried him onto his shoulders whenever he wanted or when he was too tired to walk anymore. He liked this happy memories and really hoped they would remain while the others would dull down. But he couldn't say if that would happen one day. And he would have to live with them for as long as they were with him. All because of this man in front of him.
He cleared his throat and looked at the man once again before turning away slightly as to not have to look into his eyes any longer. He thought for a moment about what he should tell him glad that everyone was waiting for him to make the first step.
"I despise you for what you did. I really, really do. But I realised I don't hate you. You are my father, after all. But you murdered mom and I miss her. I will miss her my whole life. And that's completely your fault. I don't forgive you, I don't know if I ever can. But I wanted you to know that I don't hate you as my father," he said and looked up shortly, "but I also want you to know that I don't want to see you in the moment, if ever again. I ask of you to not contact me first. I will do if I want, if I'm ready to talk to you ever again."
He stepped back breathing hard and was glad when he felt Tomoya against his back who put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly.
"I... I understand. Thank you for telling me, Satoshi," Mamoru said and Satoshi nodded mutely. He saw how his father opened his mouth to say more and realised he wouldn't be able to stay in this room one more minute or listening to him talk. He shook his head in panic and bolted out of the room. Satoshi collapsed right in front of the door after it fell shut. His heart was beating like he had run a mile and his whole body was shaking while he fought his tears still breathing hard. Tomoya was by his side just a second later and he hold onto him, as tight as he could.
"You did great," Tomoya whispered stroking the shaking shoulders while he embraced Satoshi safely. "I am proud of you."
"Do you think mom would be happy with me?"
Tomoya nodded and looked into his eyes. "I am certain that she would be. I can't say for sure but I believe she would be as proud as I am. You were very brave." Satoshi smiled softly and grabbed him a little tighter.
"Can we go home now?"
"Of course, Satoshi," he said and helped him up to bring ihm back to his car and home.
Next
I'm sorry for this chaper... It's not nearly as long as I had intially planned and I don't think it's as good as it should be :( But I rewrote it twice and that was all that I could come up with. I hope it was somehow okay. I'll try to post this Sunday but I have 5 exams coming up next week so we'll see if I can make that happen.