iii. Abstraction
i. Abstract | ii. Too Abstract
Abstraction
Yoochun likes solving math problems because they make him think about nothing but math problems. He focuses on them, his thoughts don't stray. They calm him because they are real and they are factual and they cannot be more than one thing, there cannot be more than one answer, there is no maybe.
When Junsu coloured his hair there was only uncertainty. Why did he do it? What strange thing would he do next? Yoochun was afraid. Fear was a feeling he knew well. He was afraid of a lot of things. He was afraid of being touched, he was afraid of things not going as he expected them to go, of 'losing control'.
His mother often told him that he was a good and nice person but that it was hard for people to understand him and that he had to try and be open towards people who wanted to be his friend. But Yoochun didn't want friends. He didn't like people. He liked Junsu. Junsu didn't lie and Junsu made him feel good without touching him too much.
But now Junsu was like father. Father had stayed with them until Yoochun was twelve years old. And then he left and never came back because having an autistic child was hard work and he couldn't do it. Junsu was the same. He couldn't stay because Yoochun was autistic.
Yoochun didn't mind that Junsu left because Junsu had touched him when he didn't want to be touched and he had said hurtful things which Yoochun hadn't expected. It was better for Junsu to be gone because now Yoochun couldn't be hurt any more.
His therapist didn't think the same.
“Was Junsu in love with you?”
“Yes.”
“Did he tell you he loved you?”
“Yes.”
“What would you answer him with when he says I love you?”
“I don't answer him because it's not a question.”
“Have you ever told him you loved him?”
“I have said 'I love you' before because he asked me to.”
“But did you feel love for him?”
“I don't know.”
“Are you sad that he left?”
“Yes.”
“Would you want him to come back?”
“No.”
“And why not?”
“Because he lied and he said hurtful things and he changed his hair so I can't look at him now.”
“Would you accept an apology?”
“An apology is an abstract thing, I can't accept it or not accept it because I cannot touch it and hold on to it.”
“If Junsu were to take back his words would you want to be around him again?”
“How can you take back words when words are abstract things that cannot be given or taken in a solid form?”
“Yoochun, do you want Junsu to make things better with you so that you don't feel sad anymore?”
“Yes. How would he do that?”
“What do you think he can do to make you feel less sad?” The therapist asked.
“He can leave me alone.”
“Anything else?”
“No.”
“Listen, Yoochun. Junsu is very sorry for what he said and he is very sorry for touching you. He misses you and he wants you to be friends again. Is that possible for you?”
“Yes.”
“On what conditions?”
“He is not allowed to touch me unless I say it is okay and he is not allowed to ask me about love and feelings because it confuses me.”
“Hello,” Yoochun said.
“Hey,” Junsu said. “I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean touch you without asking. It was an accident.”
Accidents are things that happen without you wanting them to happen, without you knowing they will happen and they have bad results. Yoochun was afraid of accidents.
“Will you be my friend again?” Junsu asked.
“Yes.”
“Why aren't you looking at me?”
“Your hair is different. I can't look at you.”
Yoochun stared at the floor and counted all the spots on the white tiles. There were 25 spots on every third tile and 34 spots on every second tile. There were 138 tiles in the waiting room.
“Will you lie to me again?” Yoochun asked. “If you lie to me again we can't be friends.”
“I won't lie, I promise.”
“Is that the truth?”
“Yes.”
“That could be your second lie.”
“Yoochun, don't be like this. I thought you said we could be friends?”
“I did say that but you lied to me before so now whenever you say something I know it could be a lie. Untrustworthy. You are untrustworthy.”
“I am not untrustworthy. I made a mistake once. Please don't shut me out again.”
“I want to go home.”
“Do you want me to walk with you?”
“It is not necessary but I will not stop you.”
“May I hold your hand?”
“No, I don't like touching.”
Junsu walked home with Yoochun and Yoochun didn't want him to come in because no one was home and Yoochun didn't want to touch and if there was no one Junsu could touch him and Yoochun wouldn't have any help.
“Are you afraid of me?” Junsu asked when Yoochun finished explaining.
“Yes,” Yoochun answered.
“Do you really think I'd hurt you of purpose?”
“Yes. Hurting me on purpose or by accident is the same because I will still end up being hurt.”
“I don't want you to be afraid of me.”
“I already am. Retrospect.”
“You got me there. Do you know how much I missed you? I tried to leave you alone but all I could think of was you. I just want to be close to you again, but how can I be close to you if you don't even let me touch your hand?”
The questions Junsu asked were all rhetorical questions so Yoochun kept silent.
“At least look at me, please. Let me see your eyes.”
“You changed your hair, I can't look at you.”
“You'll have to look at me sooner or later.”
“I will look at you another day.”
“Then let me touch you for just a second.”
Yoochun hesitated. They were outside of Yoochun's house and the next door neighbours were sitting in their front yard. The next door neighbours were nice. They would help him if Junsu touched him too much.
He stuck out his hand.
“May I touch your hand?” Junsu asked.
“Yes.”
Junsu took it. He stroked Yoochun's palm with his thumb and Yoochun started to get uncomfortable.
“Please let go now,” he said and Junsu released him. “Goodbye.”