Comments | kingdom_xiii: Fic: "Being Generous" (Riku/Rikku, Theme #10)

aoiryuu in kingdom_xiii

Fic: "Being Generous" (Riku/Rikku, Theme #10)

May 23, 2006 21:14

Title: Being Generous
Author: aoiryuu
Claim: Riku/Rikku
Pairing: Riku/Rikku
Theme Set: Light
Theme: 10. Generosity
Disclaimer: I do not own KH or anything, I'm just a poor writer.
A/N: Kid Riku and Rikku again, because I love them.

( Doing good and having generosity can be rewarding.... )

aoiryuu, light: generosity, riku/rikku

Comments 4

hijklock May 24 2006, 16:43:50 UTC

It's cute! I always love kid fics. I'm such a sap. <3 I have some suggestions for your work though, and I really hope you don't mind me pointing them out.

Some of your sentences are run-ons and could be cut so that the flow is easier to read. "Riku looked around for something to do when a giggle came out of nowhere from behind him and there stood a girl, a young blond girl, she looked about 12," is an example. If I were to edit it, I would probably make it look like this:

Riku was looking around for something to do when he heard a giggle. Behind him, he saw a blonde girl of about 12 smiling curiously at him.

Of course, that's one of the many ways you could set that up.

Again, I'm just trying to be helpful. Don't take it as criticism, because it's not! I know some people are sensitive to these kinds of things.

Keep writing! =D

aoiryuu May 24 2006, 21:20:03 UTC

OMG, thank you for suggesting that, I haven't written in so long, thus my writing is sloppy and very...umm...not neat, I think I'll do what you suggested and rewrite that XD;

hijklock May 24 2006, 21:28:22 UTC

Glad I could help!

silver_essence May 27 2006, 01:07:15 UTC

Oh, my! That was so incredibly cute! I can totally see that happening!