A Snippet from "Ore"
2006. A Hallowe’en costume party. Party music in background, perhaps “The Monster Mash”. CALVIN (who is Japanese) enters, dressed as Hikaru Sulu, in a Gold Star Trek uniform (Original Series). SEAN (who is Gay) is dressed as Commander Riker, in a Maroon Star Trek uniform (Next Generation).
Calvin
No, no, Sulu always got the short end of the stick.
Sean
Well, okay, Takei got the short end of the stick because he went off and shot The Green Berets.
Calvin
That wasn’t his fault!
Sean
And when shooting ran over time and he didn’t get back to the set for a couple of months, they started giving the “A” stories to Chekov. It’s a shame, I agree, but you can’t blame his lack of appearances on the show on his Asianness. Asiantude. Asianica.
Calvin
Oh, I can’t?
Sean
Roddenberry was all about the diversity. If Takei had been a woman, "The Great Bird of the Galaxy" probably would have slept with her.
Calvin
Okay, ew. But if it’s not an anti-Japanese conspiracy, then why did they cut Sulu’s big scenes from the first Star Trek movie?
Sean
To make a horrifyingly bad movie shorter so people wouldn’t claw their eyes out?
Calvin
Okay, granted, but why did they have to cut Sulu’s scenes? You know, his character didn’t even have a first name until Star Trek six?
Sean
“Hikaru”? That was around before that movie, wasn’t it?
Calvin
Not officially. That name came from unauthorized fan fiction, which is, of course, not Roddenberry Canon. It wasn’t till Sulu was commanding the Excelsior in Star Trek Six that anyone said his name onscreen. A shameful legacy.
Sean
Well, but they did give him the cushy job as Captain of the Excelsior. Nice teacups, Christian Slater as his communications officer. Yeoman Rand, if you like that sort of thing.
Calvin
Sure, a boring sinecure charting gaseous anomalies in the Beta Quadrant: whatever. If he hadn’t been in the right place at the right time, Sulu wouldn’t even have been in the movie. Lord knows, he wasn’t in Generations.
Sean
Well, I heard they wanted him to be in that, but Takei turned them down. So they wrote the role for his daughter Demora instead. Not a conspiracy.
Calvin
But dude, seriously: “Sulu” isn’t even a Japanese last name. It’s Filipino. When they broadcast episodes of Star Trek in Japan, they change his name to “Kato”, so Japanese Star Trek enthusiasts won’t spend the whole show going “That’s not a Japanese Name!” Roddenberry almost called Uhura’s character “Sulu”, but they changed it because it sounded too much like “Zulu”, and they didn’t want all of Africa up in arms.
Sean
Look, you have nothing to complain about: my people weren’t even represented on the show in 12 years.
Calvin
The Irish? Of course they were. There was O’Brien, Oh, that asshole Finnegan who used to torture Kirk at the academy…
Sean
Not the Irish, I meant homos. The only Queer on any of the Star Trek shows was evil-bisexual-mirror-universe-Kira in Deep Space Nine. And she was only on 2 episodes.
Calvin
Well, Takei was gay.
Sean
But Sulu wasn’t. They haven’t had any Jewish characters on the show, either, but do you think casting Nimoy and Shatner makes the Jews feel better?
Calvin
Well...
Sean
Fuckin’ David Gerrold quit Next Generation in the first season because they wouldn’t let him have homos on the show, even as cameo characters.
Calvin
And it’s still your favorite of the Trek series?
Sean
Well, Jonathan Frakes was really hot.
Calvin
Really? Commander Riker? Most of the women I know wanted some hot bald Captain Picard action.
Sean
Um, hello? Not a woman.