oooo MSTing Iguana mating habits!
this is my first attempt at an MST...
The rating, at its highest, is probably an R.
And, both the fic and MST are House/Wilson
HOUSE is sitting in his office, playing on his computer, when WILSON rushes in.
WILSON: House! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
HOUSE: …
WILSON: Okay, so, not really. But I did find something interesting…
HOUSE: Bad!fic is never interesting.
WILSON: This one is…
HOUSE: *sighs and joins WILSON in reading the bad!fic*
Disclaimer: I don't own House....another disclaimer inside of how much I don't own it!
HOUSE: O, thank goodness. Because we didn’t understand the first time.
Hello people! I really hope you read this part first. This is my first House story...ever. In fact it's my first real person story ever, as I mostly do anime. This came to me when I couldn't sleep and I had been spending a week with my friend Raven watching non stop House.....the whole week.
WILSON: Like House, they had developed an addiction.
HOUSE: It’s not my fault that I’m ridiculously good looking!
WILSON: …
HOUSE: You know you agree!
So the Disclaimer!! I don't own House....hell I don't even own "A" House. I live in a shite apartment....so don't sue me!! I'm only playing around with them!! And now on with it!!
HOUSE: She’s playing around with us?
WILSON: Is this foreplay, or…
HOUSE: It better not be!
WILSON: Because you’d rather just have sex?
HOUSE: No, because that means one of us is cheating. And since you’re the one who has the history…
WILSON: Let’s just go with the fact that she’s just delusional, okay?
Wilson's keys fiddled at the door to House's apartment urgently.
HOUSE: Wilson! You have magic keys! They can move on their own!
When the door opened he flew in as quickly as he could, looking around for House. But he wasn't on the floor in pain where he expected him to be. He wasn't even shouting obscenities. Or even dying...not that he hopped House was dying. No, House was sitting on the leather couch, his legs spreed out lazily along it.
WILSON: I can also fly.
HOUSE: Watch out for melting wings.
WILSON: Don’t worry, my wings can spreed.
"What's wrong? My pager said it was an emergency from you." Wilson looked confused, not moving from the slightly ajar door.
HOUSE: And you’ve got a talking pager!
The message he received was from an unknown number with only the words 'Emergency at House's'.
"Nope! I called up the local whore house and told them to page the one I wanted, giving them a number and a message. Seems you do respond to needy people positively. House said grabbing his cane and giving it a spin as he got up and walked to his fellow doctor.
WILSON: My, House, you talk about yourself in the third person now.
HOUSE: I’ve found that it helps to keep my mind sharp.
"House..." Wilson sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his hose.
HOUSE: Wrong head.
WILSON: You would know from personal experience, huh?
HOUSE: Don’t worry, I’ll pinch more than the bridge…
"Never mind. I'm leaving." He said, turning for the exit. But he was stopped by a cane cutting in front of him, closing the door.
WILSON: Your cane can move by itself, too.
HOUSE: It was showing off for your keys.
"House! I've got patients to take care of."
"Ah! But I spent a hundred for this visit." The taller man said, limping his way closer to Wilson.
"Well, " Wilson said, a strange chocking sound came from him as he was at a loss for words. "you've just lost a hundred dollars." He reached for the door knob.
WILSON: Yeah! And I’m definitely worth more than a hundred dollars!
HOUSE: Why pay for what you can get for free?
"Did you know," House began.
"Oh god not again." Wilson folded his arms.
"the Iguana will only mate with one female during a mating season once. But, they have a dilemma. The amount of semen that they produce in one session of intercourse isn't enough to impregnate the female's eggs."
BOTH: …what?!
HOUSE: Apparently, iguanas are monogamous and infertile.
WILSON: Then how come they haven’t died out yet?
HOUSE: Well, it’s only the males who are monogamous, so it looks like those female iguanas are quite the iguana whore.
WILSON: Sounds like your type of species.
HOUSE: Ha. Ha. Ha.
"You better have a point House." Wilson was growing annoyed.
"So scientist have discovered that if an Iguana has intercourse multiple times, it's sperm count goes up for the next interaction temporarily." House slowly grew closer to Wilson.
HOUSE: Horny, horny iguanas.
WILSON: They’re not the only ones… *moves onto House’s lap*
"This is all very educational, but get to the point House." He sighed.
"Just a few questions, dear." House joked. He moved a little closer. "What do you think they do, Iguana's?"
HOUSE: *is too occupied by Wilson’s mouth on his to comment*
"Ugh...what do they do House?" Wilson asked, humoring the insane doctor to get this over with.
"They have sex with other males." And before that could properly register in Wilson's head, House closed the left over distance and kissed him.
WILSON: Well, the females might be whores, but the males are apparently into orgies.
HOUSE: Well, you know, that’s the best way to have sex. Because, if one leaves, then you’re left-
WILSON: I’m not leaving.
HOUSE: Would you consent to an orgy?
WILSON: No.
HOUSE: Then you better not.
Wilson went stiff with shock but didn't move away from House.
HOUSE: Shock, or arousal?
WILSON: With you, there’s a very thin line between the two.
House moved away slightly, a cocky smile on his face.
"What the fuck was that Greg!?" Wilson's voice gave a crack.
HOUSE: Wilson, is your voice Santa?
WILSON: …what?
HOUSE: Is it Santa? Giving away crack…
WILSON: You wish.
HOUSE: That would make your lectures infinitely more interesting.
"You know the initial reaction is to take my cane, trip me, and run out the door, or at least that's what I would assume. Now why didn't you do that?" He still acted cocky and all knowing.
"If you try to tell me I'm an Iguana I will beat you with your cane." Wilson was confused and angry. The combination of the two wasn't exactly conducive to a good doctor. He was trying so hard to understand House at the moment.
HOUSE: You’re angry that I’m comparing you to an iguana?
WILSON: No, not at all. I’m thrilled that you’re comparing me to an orgy loving, homoerotic iguana.
HOUSE: See? I’m always right!
WILSON: Am I that bad at sarcasm?
HOUSE: Nope. Just really fun to annoy.
WILSON: *moves off of House’s lap*
"Now don't be silly! The reason you are still here is because you thrive on needy and pathetic people. And," He paused for dramatic effect. "you're curious."
Wilson's mouth gapped open a minute. Then he grabbed House's cane and threw it across the room.
HOUSE: You bastard! That’s worse than when you sawed through it!
WILSON: I actually just wanted you to use me as a cane instead.
HOUSE: I’m trying very hard to make a sexual innuendo out of that…
WILSON: If you have to try too hard, you might as well not bother.
HOUSE: I have to come up with some way to get you back over here.
WILSON: You could apologize.
HOUSE: I’m not faking being in rehab right now, so…
WILSON: *sighs* It was worth a shot.
House stumbled a bit from the jerk of his cane being taken from him, and looked up just in time to see Wilson push him over the couch. And the next thing he heard was the door slamming and he was laughing.
It took three weeks before Wilson came back to the apartment.
"What is it this time House?" He said stiffly.
HOUSE: Well, judging by that bulge in your pants-
WILSON: HOUSE!
HOUSE: What? Are you denying that I make you stiff?
WILSON: … *quietly* No.
"I want you to meet my new pet." House said from the piano.
Wilson looked at the surface and heaved a great sigh at what he saw. There, seeming to be asleep was a large, green Iguana.
HOUSE: This wasn’t just a normal sigh. No! This was a great sigh! A colossal sigh! A sigh that was so enormous that it eclipsed all of the other sighs that dear Jimmy has ever breathed in his entire life!
WILSON: Dramatic, much?
HOUSE: You’re the one sighing.
"House..." He started.
"His name is Wilson!" House said while standing up from the seat and didn't see Wilson but an open door. "I really should stop messing with the squeamish." He thought about that for all of two second. "Naw." He laughed.
WILSON: …I left because your iguana is named after me?
HOUSE: You’re squeamish?
WILSON: About gay sex, apparently.
HOUSE: And, why would I get an iguana? I’m not really a pet type of guy.
WILSON: You did take in Hector.
HOUSE: That was a special circumstance.
Ok first off, this bull shit about the Iguana...I so made that all up. None of it is true....that I know of. It was just the first thing that came to my mind and I was too lazy to go and see if there really was any real animal that does that at all....cause I'm sure that there isn't. That an if there was it would be some unknown animal that is in the darkest reaches of Africa that is an endangered species and would be illegal to own. And House would most likely want it too....just to mess with.
HOUSE: Uhm…..
WILSON: Wait… so… you lied about the iguana thing?
HOUSE: No, this person who was playing with us lied about it.
WILSON: Uh huh… so, I guess that you’re going to have to come up with a new animal’s mating habits to get into my pants.
HOUSE: I don’t need an animal’s mating habits to get into your pants *leers*
WILSON: *blushes*
I really hope you liked it and please leave me a comment about what I could have done if you didn't like it!!
HOUSE: Soooo… you want to make like the fictitious iguana and increase our sperm count?
WILSON: Only if you don’t go off to mate with your one female later.
HOUSE: Guess I’ll have to tell Cuddy no about that sperm donation.
WILSON: *rolls eyes and leans over to kiss House*
The rating, at its highest, is probably an R.
And, both the fic and MST are House/Wilson
HOUSE is sitting in his office, playing on his computer, when WILSON rushes in.
WILSON: House! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
HOUSE: …
WILSON: Okay, so, not really. But I did find something interesting…
HOUSE: Bad!fic is never interesting.
WILSON: This one is…
HOUSE: *sighs and joins WILSON in reading the bad!fic*
Disclaimer: I don't own House....another disclaimer inside of how much I don't own it!
HOUSE: O, thank goodness. Because we didn’t understand the first time.
Hello people! I really hope you read this part first. This is my first House story...ever. In fact it's my first real person story ever, as I mostly do anime. This came to me when I couldn't sleep and I had been spending a week with my friend Raven watching non stop House.....the whole week.
WILSON: Like House, they had developed an addiction.
HOUSE: It’s not my fault that I’m ridiculously good looking!
WILSON: …
HOUSE: You know you agree!
So the Disclaimer!! I don't own House....hell I don't even own "A" House. I live in a shite apartment....so don't sue me!! I'm only playing around with them!! And now on with it!!
HOUSE: She’s playing around with us?
WILSON: Is this foreplay, or…
HOUSE: It better not be!
WILSON: Because you’d rather just have sex?
HOUSE: No, because that means one of us is cheating. And since you’re the one who has the history…
WILSON: Let’s just go with the fact that she’s just delusional, okay?
Wilson's keys fiddled at the door to House's apartment urgently.
HOUSE: Wilson! You have magic keys! They can move on their own!
When the door opened he flew in as quickly as he could, looking around for House. But he wasn't on the floor in pain where he expected him to be. He wasn't even shouting obscenities. Or even dying...not that he hopped House was dying. No, House was sitting on the leather couch, his legs spreed out lazily along it.
WILSON: I can also fly.
HOUSE: Watch out for melting wings.
WILSON: Don’t worry, my wings can spreed.
"What's wrong? My pager said it was an emergency from you." Wilson looked confused, not moving from the slightly ajar door.
HOUSE: And you’ve got a talking pager!
The message he received was from an unknown number with only the words 'Emergency at House's'.
"Nope! I called up the local whore house and told them to page the one I wanted, giving them a number and a message. Seems you do respond to needy people positively. House said grabbing his cane and giving it a spin as he got up and walked to his fellow doctor.
WILSON: My, House, you talk about yourself in the third person now.
HOUSE: I’ve found that it helps to keep my mind sharp.
"House..." Wilson sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his hose.
HOUSE: Wrong head.
WILSON: You would know from personal experience, huh?
HOUSE: Don’t worry, I’ll pinch more than the bridge…
"Never mind. I'm leaving." He said, turning for the exit. But he was stopped by a cane cutting in front of him, closing the door.
WILSON: Your cane can move by itself, too.
HOUSE: It was showing off for your keys.
"House! I've got patients to take care of."
"Ah! But I spent a hundred for this visit." The taller man said, limping his way closer to Wilson.
"Well, " Wilson said, a strange chocking sound came from him as he was at a loss for words. "you've just lost a hundred dollars." He reached for the door knob.
WILSON: Yeah! And I’m definitely worth more than a hundred dollars!
HOUSE: Why pay for what you can get for free?
"Did you know," House began.
"Oh god not again." Wilson folded his arms.
"the Iguana will only mate with one female during a mating season once. But, they have a dilemma. The amount of semen that they produce in one session of intercourse isn't enough to impregnate the female's eggs."
BOTH: …what?!
HOUSE: Apparently, iguanas are monogamous and infertile.
WILSON: Then how come they haven’t died out yet?
HOUSE: Well, it’s only the males who are monogamous, so it looks like those female iguanas are quite the iguana whore.
WILSON: Sounds like your type of species.
HOUSE: Ha. Ha. Ha.
"You better have a point House." Wilson was growing annoyed.
"So scientist have discovered that if an Iguana has intercourse multiple times, it's sperm count goes up for the next interaction temporarily." House slowly grew closer to Wilson.
HOUSE: Horny, horny iguanas.
WILSON: They’re not the only ones… *moves onto House’s lap*
"This is all very educational, but get to the point House." He sighed.
"Just a few questions, dear." House joked. He moved a little closer. "What do you think they do, Iguana's?"
HOUSE: *is too occupied by Wilson’s mouth on his to comment*
"Ugh...what do they do House?" Wilson asked, humoring the insane doctor to get this over with.
"They have sex with other males." And before that could properly register in Wilson's head, House closed the left over distance and kissed him.
WILSON: Well, the females might be whores, but the males are apparently into orgies.
HOUSE: Well, you know, that’s the best way to have sex. Because, if one leaves, then you’re left-
WILSON: I’m not leaving.
HOUSE: Would you consent to an orgy?
WILSON: No.
HOUSE: Then you better not.
Wilson went stiff with shock but didn't move away from House.
HOUSE: Shock, or arousal?
WILSON: With you, there’s a very thin line between the two.
House moved away slightly, a cocky smile on his face.
"What the fuck was that Greg!?" Wilson's voice gave a crack.
HOUSE: Wilson, is your voice Santa?
WILSON: …what?
HOUSE: Is it Santa? Giving away crack…
WILSON: You wish.
HOUSE: That would make your lectures infinitely more interesting.
"You know the initial reaction is to take my cane, trip me, and run out the door, or at least that's what I would assume. Now why didn't you do that?" He still acted cocky and all knowing.
"If you try to tell me I'm an Iguana I will beat you with your cane." Wilson was confused and angry. The combination of the two wasn't exactly conducive to a good doctor. He was trying so hard to understand House at the moment.
HOUSE: You’re angry that I’m comparing you to an iguana?
WILSON: No, not at all. I’m thrilled that you’re comparing me to an orgy loving, homoerotic iguana.
HOUSE: See? I’m always right!
WILSON: Am I that bad at sarcasm?
HOUSE: Nope. Just really fun to annoy.
WILSON: *moves off of House’s lap*
"Now don't be silly! The reason you are still here is because you thrive on needy and pathetic people. And," He paused for dramatic effect. "you're curious."
Wilson's mouth gapped open a minute. Then he grabbed House's cane and threw it across the room.
HOUSE: You bastard! That’s worse than when you sawed through it!
WILSON: I actually just wanted you to use me as a cane instead.
HOUSE: I’m trying very hard to make a sexual innuendo out of that…
WILSON: If you have to try too hard, you might as well not bother.
HOUSE: I have to come up with some way to get you back over here.
WILSON: You could apologize.
HOUSE: I’m not faking being in rehab right now, so…
WILSON: *sighs* It was worth a shot.
House stumbled a bit from the jerk of his cane being taken from him, and looked up just in time to see Wilson push him over the couch. And the next thing he heard was the door slamming and he was laughing.
It took three weeks before Wilson came back to the apartment.
"What is it this time House?" He said stiffly.
HOUSE: Well, judging by that bulge in your pants-
WILSON: HOUSE!
HOUSE: What? Are you denying that I make you stiff?
WILSON: … *quietly* No.
"I want you to meet my new pet." House said from the piano.
Wilson looked at the surface and heaved a great sigh at what he saw. There, seeming to be asleep was a large, green Iguana.
HOUSE: This wasn’t just a normal sigh. No! This was a great sigh! A colossal sigh! A sigh that was so enormous that it eclipsed all of the other sighs that dear Jimmy has ever breathed in his entire life!
WILSON: Dramatic, much?
HOUSE: You’re the one sighing.
"House..." He started.
"His name is Wilson!" House said while standing up from the seat and didn't see Wilson but an open door. "I really should stop messing with the squeamish." He thought about that for all of two second. "Naw." He laughed.
WILSON: …I left because your iguana is named after me?
HOUSE: You’re squeamish?
WILSON: About gay sex, apparently.
HOUSE: And, why would I get an iguana? I’m not really a pet type of guy.
WILSON: You did take in Hector.
HOUSE: That was a special circumstance.
Ok first off, this bull shit about the Iguana...I so made that all up. None of it is true....that I know of. It was just the first thing that came to my mind and I was too lazy to go and see if there really was any real animal that does that at all....cause I'm sure that there isn't. That an if there was it would be some unknown animal that is in the darkest reaches of Africa that is an endangered species and would be illegal to own. And House would most likely want it too....just to mess with.
HOUSE: Uhm…..
WILSON: Wait… so… you lied about the iguana thing?
HOUSE: No, this person who was playing with us lied about it.
WILSON: Uh huh… so, I guess that you’re going to have to come up with a new animal’s mating habits to get into my pants.
HOUSE: I don’t need an animal’s mating habits to get into your pants *leers*
WILSON: *blushes*
I really hope you liked it and please leave me a comment about what I could have done if you didn't like it!!
HOUSE: Soooo… you want to make like the fictitious iguana and increase our sperm count?
WILSON: Only if you don’t go off to mate with your one female later.
HOUSE: Guess I’ll have to tell Cuddy no about that sperm donation.
WILSON: *rolls eyes and leans over to kiss House*