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Well guys, to take a break from all the wank and SRS BSNS, I’m here to rant about something we’ve all encountered: self-insert fics. To all the people who think they can wield a Keyblade:
You probably can’t.
Even if you could, do you know how much time and effort it takes to master one? Just think how long it took you guys to get to a level where you could beat Sephiroth, and that was you controlling Sora! Try to imagine yourself as you are now holding a Keyblade. Likelihood is that your attacks would be slow, awkward, and you’d be taken down by a single Shadow.
But fear not, writers! There are more options available, many in your own home! When your world is taken by darkness, remember that heartless aren’t your only enemies. And now, I give you:
The Heartless Survival Guide
An incomplete guide to surviving in the worlds of Kingdom Hearts
Imagine that your world has been completely taken by heartless. Your family is missing (and probably dead), your home is gone, you’ve woken up in a new world and your life is completely destroyed! :D
For those of you that haven’t committed suicide yet, good for you! You have a strong will to live, and that’s a helluva head start. Now, of course, you need to get your bearings. Are you in a city, town, suburb, or wilderness? This will greatly impact what weapons are available.
But before you go smashing in a little Shadow’s head with a crowbar, you need the basics. That shiny Keyblade isn’t gonna do any good when you’re starving to death. You need the essentials: food, water, clothing, and shelter, at all times. If you’re in an area populated by people, this could be considerably easier to find. Barter off whatever you have on you for what you need to survive. Your boyfriend can help you even in death by selling the class ring he gave you for protein bars!
I could list out all the supplies you would need, but this all depends on the world you’re currently in, where you plan to go, etc. The best idea is to consult the world’s residents for information on your world and what supplies you might need. If possible, find a teacher and learn magic. Not only is it a great weapon, but fire, water, and healing spells are useful in day-to-day activities.
Keep in mind that heartless aren’t your only enemies. Other people, animals, Nobodies, and whatever else resides in the various worlds you visit are just as, if not more, dangerous. Heartless, while scary little bastards, will not betray your trust, hunt you down, or warp your brain into a psychological cesspool. Yes, Zexion, I was thinking of you when I wrote that.
As for weapons, a lot of things can kill a heartless. Unlike zombies, head shots are not required. However, know that no armor can protect you from the clutches of a heartless. You need to attack fast and efficient.
Bludgeons like crowbars, pipes, and bats have been proven successful in tight situations. Against a small hoard of Shadows, bludgeons are excellent weapons. Edged weapons like swords, knives, and spades are ideal primary weapons. Really, as far as hand-held weapons go, use whatever you feel comfortable with. Hell, bludgeon a Wyvern to death with a trombone if you can!
Remember heartless aren’t the only enemies you’ll encounter. Can you take on a band on a band of Mexican outlaws riding dinosaurs armed only with a hammer?
WELL CAN YOU?
So you’ll need a gun. But what kind of gun, you ask? Well, this again depends on where you are and where you plan to go. Machine guns, sub-machine guns, and assault rifles are great for mowing down the enemy, but you need a lot of ammo. Semi-automatic rifles are excellent for precision work and rapid fire. Pistols are lightweight, easier to handle, and easy to find. Guns, though they require ammunition and care, are great weapons for any civilian in any circumstance.
There are also, of course, the unconventional weapons. By which I mean: RUN ‘EM OVER WITH A TANK. Or the family sedan. You know, whichever works. Improvise with what you’ve got and get what you don’t.
The best weapon, without a doubt, is friendship. Corny, yes, but true. What one person can barely manage a group of three could conquer easily. More people means more eyes, ears, and muscle power. Friends are also important to your mental survival. Humans are sociable creatures by nature. We’re clingy. We will hold on for dear life onto something we think will love us, whether it be other people or animals. Basically, friends will keep you from going insane.
If you don’t believe me, look at what happened to Riku.
This guide is missing a whole lot of details, but you get the gist of it. You don’t need to be a SUPER SPECIAL KEYBLADE MASTER to survive, or even be a hero. You can be yourself, complete with strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and faults, and be perfectly awesome. Be a person, not some ideal you wish you could be. Cry when you’re sad, laugh when you’re happy, and run like hell and scream when you’re scared.
When writing a self-insert, be yourself for god’s sake!
What can I say? It's Saturday night and I'm bored.