Aah, you know, I'm just a sucker for the entire eye-meeting!!! I think I write it into at least 70% of my fics. :P But yeah, at last they moved on, and they'll only fall deeper. Our not-so-innocent (obviously) boys. ;)
LOL! Ah, I don't know yet, maybe I'll just tease you for a little bit longer... (A)
I really love the concept and the setting of this piece. It has a lot of promise. Having said that, I would have liked it if you explored the ideas a bit more fully because right now it feels a little bit abstract. Which great philosophers, which childhood idols? Knowing that could tell us something about John and Paul.
I also wondered whether any of the unbaptized children would be familiar to John or Paul. The babies that Dot Rhone and Yoko Ono miscarried, for instance? Something like that could make it more personal and vivid.
Your sentences are very poetic but they have a tendency to run on at times, and there are a few awkward phrasings. A good beta reader might be in order.
I don't bother giving concrit unless I find a story interesting and worthwhile, so hopefully you'll take it in that spirit. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing where you're going with it as you get into the deeper reaches of hell. I'm a little afraid as to who we might find there!
I fully agree with you on the way it's rather abstract. I've thought about writing more, but I wasn't really sure. I'll see what I can do for the next chapters, because I think you're absolutely right.
I haven't even thought about making the unbaptized children familiar to one (or both) of them! Ooh great idea, ooh missed chance! I love it!
I know about the LONG sentences (I make them happen in all languages I use, actually, so it really is quite a problem), and I think they're also part of the reason of awkward prhasing. It usually happens when I want to say something but can't quite figure out how to, and it usually feels like I'm trying to force the words onto the paper. Do you have any advise on how to find a good beta-reader?
I will definitely do something with your comment! It was useful, no doubt, and has given me some new ideas as well, so thank you very much :)
I can't say I've ever set out specifically to find a beta-reader, but I suppose if I did I'd find someone whose writing I wanted to emulate and then ask them.
Very thought-provoking story. You have me reading the Inferno--which I assume you've done, if not you might want to--and pondering how to classify Beatles associates into various circles. Great fun. :)
I have split feelings about this. I love your imagination and the descriptions, and it's really interesting. But I dread religion. I'm pretty much as pagan as it gets. The whole idea of heaven and hell makes me cringe in mockery. lol But since it's fanfic, I definitely give you the thumbs up for the originality!
But I dread religion. I'm pretty much as pagan as it gets. The whole idea of heaven and hell makes me cringe in mockery.
Believe me when I say I'm not one much for religion either. :P So I want to ask you - why do you dread it this much? I've never really thought about hell or heaven actually existing, just that they're quite interesting places (hell obviously more than heaven).
But paganism is a form of religion. Unless you mean Christian religions. I don't like religion too, but for me is any kind of religion (Christian or not) and superstition.
Yeah, I meant Christian religions. I'm fond of the others, actually. I just dislike anything that attempts at controlling people through "guilt", which is basically what Christian religions do.
You have quite a talent for imagery and unlike one of the commenters below I quite like the abstractness of it all. I do agree though that it needs a bit of a shake up as it was a little halting to read at times, which is a shame because the imagery was so flowing. It's a good piece though as I really felt the atmosphere, in fact it's still there a couple of minutes after reading :)
Thank you for leaving a comment :) Personally I'm not so sure whether writing the next chapters as abstract as this will work. Especially as they get to the deeper circles of hell, I'm wondering how I can make it work. Perhaps I should find some kind of mix of both.
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Great stuff, hope you won't let us wait tooo long now!
Astrid
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LOL! Ah, I don't know yet, maybe I'll just tease you for a little bit longer... (A)
Thank you for leaving a comment ^^
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I also wondered whether any of the unbaptized children would be familiar to John or Paul. The babies that Dot Rhone and Yoko Ono miscarried, for instance? Something like that could make it more personal and vivid.
Your sentences are very poetic but they have a tendency to run on at times, and there are a few awkward phrasings. A good beta reader might be in order.
I don't bother giving concrit unless I find a story interesting and worthwhile, so hopefully you'll take it in that spirit. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing where you're going with it as you get into the deeper reaches of hell. I'm a little afraid as to who we might find there!
Reply
I haven't even thought about making the unbaptized children familiar to one (or both) of them! Ooh great idea, ooh missed chance! I love it!
I know about the LONG sentences (I make them happen in all languages I use, actually, so it really is quite a problem), and I think they're also part of the reason of awkward prhasing. It usually happens when I want to say something but can't quite figure out how to, and it usually feels like I'm trying to force the words onto the paper. Do you have any advise on how to find a good beta-reader?
I will definitely do something with your comment! It was useful, no doubt, and has given me some new ideas as well, so thank you very much :)
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Very thought-provoking story. You have me reading the Inferno--which I assume you've done, if not you might want to--and pondering how to classify Beatles associates into various circles. Great fun. :)
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I love your imagination and the descriptions, and it's really interesting.
But I dread religion. I'm pretty much as pagan as it gets. The whole idea of heaven and hell makes me cringe in mockery. lol
But since it's fanfic, I definitely give you the thumbs up for the originality!
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Believe me when I say I'm not one much for religion either. :P So I want to ask you - why do you dread it this much? I've never really thought about hell or heaven actually existing, just that they're quite interesting places (hell obviously more than heaven).
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Personally I'm not so sure whether writing the next chapters as abstract as this will work. Especially as they get to the deeper circles of hell, I'm wondering how I can make it work. Perhaps I should find some kind of mix of both.
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