Comments | keppiehed: Brigit's Flame Entry- Week 4 March

keppiehed

Brigit's Flame Entry- Week 4 March

Mar 22, 2011 16:45

Title: The Golden Bowl
Author: Keppiehed
Rating: PG
Warnings: adultery, nonspecific
Word Count: 3159
Prompt: “butterfly whirl”
A/N: Written for week #4 at Brigits_flame. This is a re-telling of the Arthurian myth. Some lines were taken from T.H. White, and some were alluded to from the Lerner and Loewe musical “Camelot”. I did extensive research in this tale, and some ( Read more... )

prompt: butterfly whirl, entry: brigits flame march, week 4

Comments 14

rubyelf March 22 2011, 20:55:49 UTC

Wow! Love it, beginning to end!

keppiehed March 22 2011, 21:25:43 UTC

I am so relieved to hear that! I wrote this in a sort of delirium, and I was so worried that it sucked really bad. I don't want to besmirch the great tradition of King Arthur. I was thinking that I'd look at it tomorrow and be horrified that I posted it in a fever dream before I had a chance to self-edit. Thanks for the boost of confidence! *rests a little easier*

thefaeway March 22 2011, 23:54:10 UTC

The pigwitch was my favorite character but I think she was woefully underdeveloped.

keppiehed March 23 2011, 14:57:56 UTC

I am already developing a sequel to be entitled Pigwitch 2: Revenge of the Pigwitch. I think it will have all the snap this one was lacking.

(The comment has been removed)

keppiehed March 28 2011, 16:19:27 UTC

Wow, this has to be one of the best compliments that anyone has ever paid me; to know that my work is worth reading in a favorite chair like a real story is about as good as it gets. I thank you very much for putting a smile on my face today! :D

hbart March 26 2011, 13:19:24 UTC

Your A/N was written for people like my husband :) He is one of those who has such a fit over people changing things in a story that he loves that he can't even bring himself to enjoy the story to see if it could change his mind. I have no particular like or dislike for the Arthurian myth so I liked this. It has a happy ending of sorts, after all. What's not to like?

Don't you ever bomb? I sound like a broken record saying, "Nice job."

keppiehed March 28 2011, 16:30:41 UTC

LOL! I wouldn't be able to have such an open mind myself. Honestly, if I were the reader, I totally would have crucified this. I would have been outraged, like "HEY! That's totally NOT how it went. The Round Table came as a dowry with Guinevere, you ass! And since when is Lancelot Scottish? Everyone knows he sang "C'est Moi" in the musical because he's French. FRENCH!!!!"

But I'll take your broken record, thanks. *preens* That's a song I never get tired of hearing!

oryginal_skin March 28 2011, 11:57:25 UTC

This is an interesting, if cerebral, tale. I like the prophetic feel of the line “If people reach perfection, they vanish, you know.”, and how it's echoed at the beginning and end of the tale.

While I've always loved your writing, I have two pieces of criticism of this one:

1. Your dialog is entirely modern. I understand that this was intended, but the modern dialog style strikes me as so in contrast with the time period that I find myself unable to get lost in the writing. I notice that you must have felt that way too -- you occasionally slip into a more Arthurian tone.

2. Your extensive description of their swordplay is impressive, but at the same time, I feel that you've lost nearly everyone who would read that part. I had no idea what the moves you described were, and I glossed over that section accordingly.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this. :-) Thank you for sharing, and good luck this month!

keppiehed March 28 2011, 16:27:20 UTC

Ah, I must admit that you caught me out on both points. Usually it is my dialogue that shines, but I think you're right; it's rather a weakness here. And as for the sword-fighting scenes, you're astute again. I like to add gravitas to a scene, but less is more, and I often forget the very thing I tell others. Perhaps if I worked on some major editing this could be something, but as is, it isn't one of my best. I do thank you for your direct points; it is good to know where I need work. Sometimes it is hard to see in one's own work, and then when someone points it out, that niggling feeling becomes clear as day, no? So for your honesty, I owe you thanks, as well as for taking the time to read it all all.

And it is good to see you back at the Flame! Maybe you'll consider joining the April contest?

oryginal_skin March 28 2011, 18:46:43 UTC

:-) I'm glad you found the critique helpful! I've always been a big fan of your work, and it's always a pleasure to read something new you've created.

I signed up for this month, and it just fell out of my hands. I've been keeping an eye out for April, but I haven't seen the signups yet. I'll check after posting this comment to see if they're up yet. It'd be nice to create again -- I'm awfully rusty, though, I'm afraid.