Brigit's Flame Entry- Week 1 January; All Stars Contest

[keppiehed]

Title: Last Look
Author: Keppiehed
Rating: R
Warnings: character death, disturbing imagery
Word Count:1296
Prompt: “Take the Cloth”
A/N: Written for week #1 of Brigits_flame, the All Star's Challenge. I had terrible trouble with this. I think I wrote about three different stories, but I eventually settled on this one, which turned out really weird. I'm not sure what to

Comments

[balloonhat]

Powerful, with so many great lines.

What happened to Mary? Is Mary the "she" who was gone (he knew not where, or whether she'd been real at all, etc.)? I assumed she also died from fever (and Davy sounds quite young still), but I'm still curious about the person mentioned in the 4th paragraph.

[keppiehed]

Thank you so much! I felt like I was floundering on this one. I didn't know the direction it was going; I discovered as I wrote it, and it was kind of weird! I couldn't tell if it was total garbage or not, so I'm glad to hear that you liked it.

I wanted to leave it deliberately vague, because the man was confused. He was struggling with the nature of reality because of his fever, but the one thing he could cling to was his son. I imagined he'd have a wife, but in my mind she had been gone for some time, he just confused how long it had really been. I wanted to let the reader have their own idea about where she was, or if she had ever existed. Personally I kind of thought that maybe she had died about a year ago, though.

Thanks for your interest. I'm really glad to know that you thought it was readable!

[pipisafoat]

I imagined her to have died shortly after the kid was born, and him to have still been a pretty young infant. I like!

Though I think it would be better if 'the man' had a name. And maybe some better sort of general setting, time and place, y'know. But I like it! :D

[keppiehed]

I wondered if I was too vague. I'll remember that for next time. Thanks for giving this a try. I know it was different!

[belluminabyssus]

I really liked the idea you had for this piece. "Take the cloth" is such an odd prompt, and you definitely put a unique spin on it. And the descriptions were quite nice! This probably isn't my favourite of your works, but as usual, you did a wonderful job with the parent-child dynamic!

[keppiehed]

I changed this idea, like, 3 times, I swear. I had a wedding and an art theft before I went with this idea! I'm not sure why. It ended up so weird! But I'm glad you think it was readable, at least. Thanks for getting through it. I can't wait to see what you've got for us! *is excited*

[keppiehed]

Oooh, I haven't heard of that book, but it sounds like it would be right up my alley! I love books of that nature, gory details and all.

Thanks very much for taking the time to stop by and have a look at this one, even if it was a little strange!

[yuunaluna]

Ahhh tongue swelling. I have a deep fear of my tongue swelling so I can't breathe. Weird, I know, but true.

Anyways, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this one. Conveying the gut-wrenching pain of death when the audience doesn't actually witness the death is extremely difficult. It's easy to fall into cliches which you neatly avoided, but I didn't really connect with the narrator and his pain the way I wanted to. I think part of the problem was that you didn't address what happened to the mother or the woman from the beginning. Those questions were floating around in my head for the rest of the story so that I couldn't fully focus on the narrator. I wish I could point out some concrete aspects you could rework, but I quite place my finger on what's wrong. Great use of the prompt though and as always, it's very well written.

Looking forward to what you've got in store for us next week!

[keppiehed]

Ah, looks like I won't be able to get to next week. I'm on the chopping block over this one, and with good reason. You're right about it not quite being right, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was the matter with it myself. I knew it needed something, but just what, I'm at a loss to say. And thats a bummer because I just had a flash of long-awaited insight for the week #2 prompt. Damn that Murphy's Law. Hits me every time, you know!

[keppiehed]

Oooh, that's so nice of you! I wanted to keep it all vague to let you form your own idea, but perhaps I went overboard. I think that no one liked it!

Can I get to yours by now? I have been trying and unsuccessful! Plus my connection must be bad because LJ has been giving me a hassle all day. If it is the last thing I do, I am determined to read it, especially since you promised us some gore. And you're doing so well in the polls, so I know it is sure to be splendid. I think I have until tonight to get to it! *bites nails and kicks the modem*