Brigits_Flame April Entry 02 - Seed

[kenderlord]

I think this is the last one with Alfie and Mona, as part of a continued storyline from last week and the last couple of weeks, most recently here, but beginning here.

“So,” I say, watching the foot traffic.  “The loophole.”

“Yes,” Mona says, gingerly tracing a pattern on the back of my hand, which seems to be the only part

Comments

[terravayne]

HAHAHA, your take on hell is so amusing. Please keep going with this. You recap enough that you can the gist of what happened before without having read it. Kudos!

[kenderlord]

Thank you! That's my biggest worry; that I'm not recapping enough for each installment. I am pleased that it worked out.
-D

[cedarwolfsinger]

I said I wanted to know the loophole. Quite an interesting loophole. I am not so sure we've seen the last of these two... Very tongue-in-cheek, good writing. Good luck with it.

[kenderlord]

Did you approve of the loophole? 'Interesting' sounds like a weasel-word, Michelle! Tell me what you _really_ think.
-D

[jamais_toujours]

Awww they ended up back together and Alfie escaped being tortured for eternity. Yay! :)

If hell is how you've descried it here, it sounds kind of fun. ^^

[kenderlord]

Hell is what you make it. I don't think it'd be that much worse than anything people make for themselves on Earth. Although Alfie was getting whipped by Satan in the last story. Which totally sucks.

I'm given to understand that being whipped in real life probably sucks about the same, though. it's all about perspective.
-D

Editor

[transitiongodin]

Hello. Just checking in.
I didn't find much to correct, and I have to say I'm really glad about that because I've had a really hard week. Since there was barely a thing to put my spin on, let me just say that this piece is surprisingly intense and funny. I enjoy the characterization even if I don't fully understand what it's about.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck.

Edit:

[gave her her heart’s desires]
[ you might want to reword this so you don't have to reuse the "her like "reliquished her hearts desires" or "granted her hearts desires"]

[to wrangle some success out ]
[ the word "wrangle" here seems misplaced, perhaps replacing it with another word?]

Final note: There are a heavy amount of fragment sentences that make it a tad difficult to read, in my opinion. You might consider doing something about that so that it all flows together smoothly instead of as disjointed as it sounds now. Then again, maybe that's one of the points to the piece. I'm not sure.

Thanks for putting up with my edit.

-Leander

Re: Editor

[kenderlord]

Pshaw - "put up with", he says.

Your edit is always welcome. I'll try to curtail my fragment-sentences in the future. It's the way this character thinks, but hell - I can change the way a character thinks.
-D

Edit

[kuroilotus]

Such a pity that you're done, I've grown to like Alfie and Mona.

I didn't find much of anything to really comment on as far as editing goes. Thumbs up to you for that.

Re: Edit

[kenderlord]

I may bring them back.

But surely you can find something to critique! you flatter me!
-D