Comments | kenderlord: Brigits_Flame March Entry 03

kenderlord

Brigits_Flame March Entry 03 - Fire in their Eyes

Mar 22, 2009 03:25

(A continuation of last week's story, here.)

It is raining. I am unused to rain. I mean, real rain - wet rain. In Pandemonium, you get your
sulfurous suppurations, your flaming hail, your stalactitical discharges - but never good, honest rain. I am in Baltimore, and I am being profoundly unprofessional.

“I think she’s adorable,” he’s telling ( Read more... )

Comments 7

innana88 March 22 2009, 15:06:41 UTC

Fallen cupids? Interesting concept. I went back and read last week's entry first so I knew what was up.

I love the energy and the pace of this. The dialogue is great.

The change-of-heart is abrupt. Any way we can get some sort of sense that he's having second thoughts before it happens? Otherwise, I'm left wondering what made him change his mind. He's a demon, after all. Why should he care?

watchclarewrite March 23 2009, 07:10:26 UTC

My god, a continuous story? And is this what you've been doing instead of those research papers? For shame. I'm going to have to come over and harass you again.

As long as you tell me another story about frogs.

watchclarewrite March 23 2009, 07:10:56 UTC

P.S. I liked it. I really did.
I hate Peter Gabriel, though.

kenderlord March 23 2009, 17:57:14 UTC

Aw!

I really really like Peter Gabriel. Insult him again and you're never getting bread.
-D

Edit coming through kuroilotus March 25 2009, 00:40:40 UTC

I enjoy Alfie's voice very much. The understated snark is delicious.

It was [a] midday office party. missing 'a'

into his car, and we start driving comma seems unnecessary

(You'll take....) Confused by the parentheses. They don't show up anywhere else in the piece.

Otherwise, the piece looks pretty clean. Kudos!

Editor checking in wierdauntie March 29 2009, 03:05:29 UTC

Yo... i love this. Your sartorial chops are once again on display. Kudos!

Lines I found "priceless":
It feels like bugs, but in the good way.
We are nearly at his car - a Civic. He seems the type: small, gentle-faced, concerned. I think I hate him.

As a Honda Civic driver, I chuckled. you may have somehting there with the typecasting.
I loved the ending... Funny and a little insane like the rest of your writing. However I'm with some one else who commented: why the change of heart?

Not that it doesn't work... but your protagonist never tips his hand as to why. I think we need to see more to understand what changed his mind. Hell as a bureauocracy.. makes sense to me.

Re: Editor checking in kenderlord April 5 2009, 07:47:40 UTC

Thank you very kindly! I'm sorry I never responded to this. I hope you get a kick out of _this_ week's entry, because it's completely ridiculous.
-D