Comments | kenderlord: Brigits_Flame December Entry 01

kenderlord

Brigits_Flame December Entry 01 - Unity

Dec 03, 2008 14:30

He adjusted his tie. “It is important,” he said into the camera, “for Americans of all stripes to come together at this time. This is an era of bipartisanship, as my former opponent has so graciously noted. I will not pursue a radical agenda. That’s not what my White House will be about. We have to fix what’s wrong with our country, and we’re ( Read more... )

Comments 15

ifyouweregreen December 3 2008, 23:28:22 UTC

“I have a barbecue to prepare for later tonight. Excuse me if I’m not in the mood for your ribbing, Barack. I’ve got cole slaw on the brain.”
lollll

kenderlord December 3 2008, 23:29:11 UTC

harlotbug3 December 4 2008, 20:43:55 UTC

Awful? Not awful enough I'm afraid. This is a fun concept, but the first half needs to be torn down and the second needs to be knocked up. If you're going to be ridiculous, you need to be fucking ridiculous. You were on the right track with the yellow bombardment, and with them calling a mortar a 'hot potato,' but it ended before chuckles could grow into gasps for air.

kenderlord December 4 2008, 21:16:10 UTC

Hm. I have two days before this is due. What do you suggest I should change? (and is that cheating? I should check)

-D

Thread 6

insolentscrawl December 5 2008, 20:01:41 UTC

Oh, I love this. What a truly awesome take on the elections. This is so totally cool. I love the jibes back and forth. You did a beautiful job.

Good luck this week.

kenderlord December 8 2008, 05:14:10 UTC

Haha, cheers!

And good luck to you!
-D

jamais_toujours December 5 2008, 22:48:23 UTC

LOL. XD.

kenderlord December 8 2008, 05:14:20 UTC

This is the proper reaction.

-D

Editor reporting in wierdauntie December 11 2008, 03:22:16 UTC

Hello!
I liked this and voted for it!
However I'm with the person who said the first half needed a little reworking... I had to read it twice before the first half seemed connected with the "over the top" second half. You hint at his superhuman status but a bolder clue may be needed.

Otherwise, witty and fun!
Good luck this week.

Re: Editor reporting in kenderlord December 30 2008, 00:33:14 UTC

Aaaaah I'm so rude for not responding to this, hi.

Thank you very kindly for your edit; you, Harlotbug, and Jacques seem to be all three of you aligned in the notion that the first half's a little opaque.

I'll take all of this into consideration and aim for more stylistic consistency in the next round.

I appreciate it!
-D

intermezzo_poet December 18 2008, 17:36:23 UTC

In a strange way, I can envision this more as a screenplay, particularly because the dialogue really carries this piece. The dialogue was brilliant, and had me laughing hysterically throughout the story.

I particularly liked how "Speramus" had the controlling-mind-powers... and "Grey Lightning" used brute force. Coincidence? I think not... :P

At any rate, I'm having a really hard time coming up with suggestions for this piece, aside from perhaps turning it into a screenplay--the dialogue got a bit ridiculous at times, but that was honestly half the fun.

I guess, as well, I'd like to get a bit more background on how the two are magically best friends... or get more of a sense of competition/resigned cooperation from them. It's up to you--either way, this piece was VERY enjoyable, and it was a riot to read. :) Nice work!