Rough Landings - Chapter 18
Title: Rough Landings - Chapter 18
Rating: NC-17
Author: kelzm1989
Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Rape/non-con, mpreg
Word Count: 10045
Summary: Based on this prompt: Jensen and Jared live together but Jensen is away on a bussiness trip and Jared is alone at home with their son when a stranger breaks in. Jared is attacked and raped and the son doesn't know what happened but he calls for help. Jensen finds out, he's worried and feeling guilty because when he left, him and Jared were fighting.
Disclaimer: This is pure imagination and let's hope that neither guy ever actually does go through this. I swear I want them to be safe... I just have a bit of a messed up mind, is all ;)
***Author's note: Sorry for the long time without an update but this chapter kind of took on a mind of it's own and I had to force it to stop ;) I hope you all enjoy the chapter and I look forward to hearing what everyone thought of it. I'll try to update ASAP... I'm hoping that that means sometime next week. Thanks again for reading!
"Daddy?" Tyler asked one morning shortly after school had started for the year, much to Jared's relief. He was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his cereal at an usually slow pace.
"Yes Ty?" Jared responded, his back to his son as he finished up the dishes that had been left behind. Jensen had already left for work but was set to meet him at Dr. Morgan's office in a few hours. He had another check-up today and with any luck, they'd find out what they were having. 'Now if only I knew who the father was' Jared thought to himself, unsure of whether or not to be excited about today's appointment. He wanted to be, especially since learning the sex would make certain things easier but at the same time, his mind was still clouded with worry and doubt.
"Why are you going to the doctor's today? Are you sick?" He asked, looking a little worried.
Jared finally turned around and took a seat at the table. "I'm okay Ty, I promise." He reassured. Ever since his little hospital stay, Tyler had decided that he didn't like doctors and the mention of Jared seeing one was enough to make the little boy very nervous. "But papa and I are going to see the doctor today to check on the baby."
"Is the baby okay?" He questioned, his curious hazel eyes going to Jared's stomach.
Jared nodded at his son, placing one hand on his belly. "The baby's fine Ty, there's no reason to worry buddy."
Tyler nodded, seeming accepting of that explanation. "It's still a secret, right?" He questioned. His grandparents had called to talk a few times and each time, he'd wanted to say that he was going to be a big brother but so far his daddies weren't letting him.
Jared nodded, surprised that Tyler had actually been able to keep it a secret for as long as he had. "I promise Ty, we'll tell people soon." 'We're going to have to' he thought. His parents had invited the three of them to spend Thanksgiving in Texas at their house and Jared knew that if he waited until then to make the announcement, it wouldn't go over well.
"Okay," Tyler responded before he continued eating his cereal and Jared thought that was the end of the conversation. "I hope it's a boy." He said a few minutes later, catching Jared off guard.
"Really?" He asked, surprised by his son's statement. "And why is that?"
"Because it'd be cool to have a little brother. You and papa are both little brothers and I could be like Uncle Jeff and Uncle Josh." He explained.
"You wanna be like your uncles?" Jared chuckled a little though at the same time, it only made him feel more conflicted. How could he give this baby up when the rest of his family was so happy about it? Would they be mad at him? Or resentful? Standing and going to the fridge so that Tyler wouldn't see the look on his face, Jared ordered his son to finish eating or else he was going to be late for school.
~JA/ JP-A~
Later that afternoon , Jared was lying back on the exam table, a sheet covering his lower half and his shirt pulled up to expose his belly. He had one hand clenched in Jensen's and the other was holding tightly to the sheet as he tried to keep it from falling off. Laying like this had him feeling a bit insecure and nervous though he was trying not to show it. He knew that neither man had any ill intentions towards him but he was still anxious to put his clothes back on.
Jeff turned back around from where he had been pulling some gloves on to face his patients. He knew this was a big day for the two of them and not only because they would hopefully be learning the baby's sex. Jared was finally now in his second trimester. His blood pressure was a bit higher than what Jeff would have liked but he had gained more weight than Jeff had thought he would so it was small improvements. It still wasn't what would be considered "normal" for Jared's size but given his history, it was a good sign. "Alright, you two ready to see what's going on in there?" He asked with an encouraging smile on his face.
Jensen nodded even as Jared's eyes remained fixed on the ultrasound screen. "Tyler said he hopes it's a boy." He said quietly as he thought back to what had happened this morning.
"Really?" Jensen asked with a note of excitement in his voice. He liked the thought of another boy and even more so that their son was excited about it. He knew that kids sometimes acted up when a new baby came around so the fact that Tyler was excited about the baby definitely made things easier.
Jared nodded, swallowing and feeling teary eyed at the tone of Jensen's voice. What was he going to do? "Well, what do you see?" He asked his doctor, hoping that the two other men would mistake his nervousness for something else.
Jeff grinned. "Looks like your boy's getting his wish. You guys are going to have another little monster on your hands soon." He congratulated.
Jensen beamed when he heard that he and Jared were going to be having a second son and he couldn't take his eyes off of the blurry screen. He only looked down when he heard Jared crying and it was then that he saw just how much his husband was shaking. "Aw, Jay," He reached a soothing hand down to run his fingers through Jared's hair and kissed his temple.
Jared sniffled as he tried to compose himself. He accepted the grainy photo that Jeff handed him and wiped his eyes. "Ty's gonna be so happy." He murmured as he avoided Jensen's gaze, all the while feeling his heart break.
Jensen nodded, continuing to smile even though there was a little niggling voice in the back of his head. Jared didn't look as happy as he'd thought he'd be.
~JA/ JP-A~
"Tyler!" Jensen shouted from the living room.
"You sure you want to tell him tonight?" Jared asked, wringing his hands together nervously.
Jensen nodded. "Yeah, why not? Do you not want to?" Jensen asked, turning around to look at his husband who was sitting on the couch.
"No, no, it's fine." Jared responded as Tyler came walking into the room.
"What is it Papa?" Tyler asked, looking at his parents expectantly. He couldn't tell if he was in trouble or not. And if he was, he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong.
"Daddy and I have something to tell you." Jensen smiled as he took a seat beside Jared and motioned for Tyler to come join them.
"What is it? Is it about the baby? Is it a boy?" Tyler asked excitedly.
Jensen nodded, a smile on his own face. "You want to tell him Jay or me?" He asked.
"You can tell him," Jared said, faking his own smile.
Jensen laid one hand flat on Jared's belly and smiled at his son. "Looks like you got your wish kiddo, you're gonna have a little brother in a few months." Jensen explained, rubbing gentle touches into Jared's skin. He hadn't felt the baby move yet but he was excited to have that happen.
"It's a boy?" Tyler asked causing both his parents to nod their heads. "Yes!" He exclaimed happily.
"You've been really good Ty and really helpful to daddy so far and I need you to keep that up okay bud?" Jensen asked, looking at his son seriously.
"I will Papa, I promise! I'll be super good!" Tyler responded eagerly before he lifted his hand and paused.
Jared noticed and smiled softly at his son. "I know you will Ty. What is it bud? You wanna touch my stomach?" He asked causing Tyler to nod. "It's okay, you can." He encouraged even though he wasn't sure he totally liked all this attention.
"Does... does it hurt?" Tyler asked, his voice filled with caution.
Jared shook his head. "No, it just feels a little strange sometimes. And once your brother starts kicking, then we'll be able to feel him more and you can say hi to him then okay?" Jared wished that he felt excited about telling his son about his little unborn brother but this was not what he had been expecting and he was just trying to hide his hurt.
Tyler nodded. "Did I kick you?" He asked curiously.
Jared laughed, a genuine smile on his face as he thought back to how active of a baby Tyler had been. "Yup, your papa and I thought you were gonna be a soccer player you moved around so much." He answered, looking over Tyler's head to share a smile with Jensen.
"I do like soccer," Tyler responded cheekily.
"Yes, you do my little man." Jared laughed again and reached to ruffle his son's hair. "Yes, you do." He said just before he yawned, feeling tired of all a sudden.
Jensen noticed and turned his attention back to his son. "Hey Ty, what do you say you and I go play some soccer out in the backyard while we let daddy sleep?" He suggested, smiling back at Jared when his husband sent him a grateful look.
"Yay!" Tyler shouted, jumping up to go run out to the backyard and where his soccer ball was.
"I'll keep him entertained for a while, go rest." Jensen instructed, standing himself and pressing a kiss to Jared's forehead.
Jared nodded and waited until his husband had gone outside before he let the first tear fall.
~JA/JP-A~
"You do realize that you don't have to go tonight if you don't want to, right?" Jensen encouraged from where he was standing in the doorway of his and Jared's bedroom. His husband had plans to go out to dinner with Chad tonight but Jensen wasn't entirely sure that this was the best idea right now.
"It would be rude to cancel at the last minute." Jared argued as he stood in front of the closet mirror, adjusting his shirt and hoping that his belly wasn't too obvious.
"Jay," Jensen sighed as he uncrossed his arms and walked over to where his husband was standing. "I'm sure Chad would understand if you told him that you weren't feeling well." He drifted off when Jared shot him a look.
"I feel fine." Jared ground out, actually telling the truth. He was stressed and worried, what with the sentencing hearing only a few days away but he didn't feel super tired or nauseous and he had to admit that there was a part of him that was looking forward to having dinner with his friend. He was so tired of letting his paranoia rule his life like it had been for the past few months. "What do you think? Is this okay or should I change?" He asked self-consciously, switching subjects.
A smile pulled at Jensen's face and he stepped forward to loop his arms around his spouse's waist. "You look great." He replied truthfully. Jared was gaining weight... finally and he had also lost some of the exhausted look that he'd been carrying around with him for the past while. Jensen removed one hand from Jared's hip to brush some of his shaggy hair back and smiled again. Only this time, there was a heated desire in his green eyes too. "You sure you want to go out with Chad tonight? I mean, I could call a sitter and take you myself?" He grinned.
Jared laughed even as a blush covered his cheeks and he lowered his eyes. "Maybe another time?" He asked somewhat shyly.
Jensen nodded, placing his hand on Jared's cheek. "Most definitely." Jensen agreed before he leaned in for a kiss.
Jared felt the gentle insistence of Jensen's mouth on his and he returned it, gripping hard to his husband's arm and back. Ever since the day that the two of them had taken that drive up to skyline, they had slowly been getting physically reacquainted with one another though Jared still refused to let Jensen go below the belt. "Jen," He whimpered, feeling his heartbeat increase and his palms start to sweat. It didn't help that he was reaching the horny stages of pregnancy either.
"Hmm," Jensen murmured continuing to rub gentle circles into Jared's back with his thumbs.
"I should go." He said softly, laying his head on Jensen's shoulder. "Chad's waiting on me."
Jensen was about to argue once more that Jared could just cancel the whole thing and stay home with him but one look at his husband's face and Jensen knew that Jared wanted to do this... he was just scared. "Yeah, go and have fun okay baby?" He encouraged, genuinely wanting Jared to have fun tonight.
Jared smiled weakly before he finally stepped back out of Jensen's arms and reached to collect his wallet and car keys. "Walk me out to the car?" He asked.
"Of course." Jensen nodded, following his husband down the hall and into the living room so that Jared could say goodnight to Tyler before he left.
"Be good for papa okay Ty? I'll see you in the morning." Jared ruffled his son's hair and gave him a hug goodnight.
Tyler nodded distractedly. "Bye daddy." He responded, looking briefly at his dad and then back at the video he was watching.
"Come on," Jensen encouraged as he grabbed Jared's hand and led him out to the driveway and where the cars were parked.
As they stepped out the front door with their hands linked, Jared could feel himself growing more and more nervous. What if one of their new neighbors saw them holding hands? What if they didn't like that and didn't want "that kind" in their neighborhood? He'd met a couple people here and there over the past couple weeks and they all seemed nice but he wasn't sure how this group of people would react to witnessing acts like those.
Jensen could feel Jared squirming and trying to pull away as they walked to the car but he refused to let him. He knew his husband was nervous about being "caught" but Jensen didn't care. He didn't give a rat's ass what these people thought and in his mind, if they had a problem with it then they could just go shove it. Jared was his husband, had been for the past decade and would be for the rest of his life if Jensen had it his way. He was proud of that and he wasn't about to start hiding it. "It's okay Jay," Jensen reassured, wanting Jared to start feeling comfortable showing him affection in public again.
Jared didn't respond but just reached to open up his car door. "Will you be asleep or...?" He asked as he continued to look around the street, relieved to find it empty.
Jensen shook his head. "No, I'll be up." He replied leaning in for one last kiss and hoping that Jared would allow it.
Seeing that the street was empty of any potential witnesses, Jared allowed Jensen to give him a quick peck on the cheek before he took off.
~JA/JP-A~
After having made the twenty minute drive to downtown Los Gatos, Jared parked his car and headed towards the place that he and Chad had agreed to meet at. As he walked closer, he spotted his friend waiting outside and he tried to calm himself down. He knew he was visibly heavier than he had been and he was hoping that this was one of those times when Chad was completely and utterly oblivious.
"Hey man!" Chad greeted happily as he walked towards his friend and pulled Jared into a hug.
"Hey," Jared smiled, returning the hug. "Sorry I'm a little late."
Chad shook his head. "No worries." And with that, Jared followed his friend into the small Crepe restaurant. Jared was relieved that they were seated quickly, hoping that the table would help to hide some of his belly. He smiled nervously across the table and then picked up the menu. "What's good here?" He asked.
"Steve loves the seafood crepe but my favorite's the breaded chicken breast." Chad answered, already knowing what he was ordering.
Jared nodded and continued scanning the menu. He had already picked out what he wanted but he was trying to stall conversation and small talk. A few minutes later a woman in a crisp white dress shirt and a black pencil skirt walked up to the table. "Hi, I'm Melody. I'll be your server tonight. Are we ready to order or would you like a few more minutes?" She asked, ready with her pen and notepad.
Chad looked at Jared who nodded. "I'll um... I'll have the Greek salad crepe please? And water's fine." Jared glanced at the young girl briefly and gave her a small smile before he returned his gaze to the table top.
"Sure thing. Do you want the side soup or salad or just the crepe?" She asked.
"Just the crepe please." Jared answered and then the waitress turned to Chad who ordered the breaded chicken crepe he'd been talking about along with a glass of the house chardonnay. Jared was hoping that Chad wasn't paying too much attention to the fact that he was avoiding alcohol tonight.
"So, how ya been man?" Chad questioned with a friendly and happy smile on his face once the waitress had left.
Jared swallowed before he took a sip of his water. "Ah, good." Jared replied. "Busy though but how have you been? I'm sorry we didn't get to talk too much when you guys were at the house the other day."
Chad shook his head as he relaxed back into his seat. "No worries, we were all pretty busy that day. How is the house? You guys settling in alright?" He asked.
Jared nodded. "Yeah, it's alright so far. Thank God Ty's adjusting to it pretty well." He explained. He and Jensen were beyond relieved that Tyler liked the house and was happy with the move.
"That's good." Chad laughed, knowing that Jared and Jensen's son could be quite the handful sometimes. "Here, try this. It's amazing." Chad encouraged as he began to hand his glass of wine over to Jared.
"Oh um, no thanks. I'm good." Jared replied, putting his hand up and hoping that Chad wouldn't push it.
"You sure?" Chad asked, pulling his glass back towards him.
Jared nodded. "Yeah, I'm um... I'm trying not to drink as much." He lied. He'd never been a huge drinker so he knew that wasn't exactly believable.
Chad looked at Jared skeptically. "Alright then so what else is new with you? How's the job search coming?" Chad asked, knowing that the last time he and Jared had gone out to eat, his friend had been starting to look for a new job.
Jared shrugged, unsure of what to say. Ever since the rape, he hadn't sent out any more applications partly because he'd just been so busy dealing with everything else and partly because he hadn't been motivated to do so. "It's slow and we've um... we've kind of been focusing on some other things lately so..." He drifted off.
"It can definitely take a while but don't worry Jay, you'll find something." Chad encouraged. He knew that Jared had been out of the workforce for a while now, pretty much since Tyler had been born but his friend was a smart and hard-working guy so he had faith in him.
"Yeah, I guess." Jared responded, relieved when the server walked over with their dinners. The conversation dwindled as the two began to dig into their meals, occasionally trading comments about how good the food was. Jared still felt a little anxious that he'd slip up and somehow his best friend would know that something was up but over all this was turning out to be a nice evening.
"Hey, can I tell you something?" Chad asked, pausing from eating as he leaned closer to Jared with a smile on his face.
Amused by the happy look on his friend's face, Jared nodded glad that the conversation was now turning away from him. It helped him to relax a little bit more. "Course, what is it?" He asked, intrigued.
"Jason and I are thinking about adopting." Chad said, hoping that he wasn't going to make his friend feel bad with that news. He logically knew that the miscarriage had occurred a while ago but he also knew just how big of an impact it had made on his friends. Truthfully, Chad wasn't sure that Jared had really ever "gotten over" losing the baby.
"Wow," Jared replied, surprised by that news. Jason and Chad had always been good with kids but up until recently they had never really been interested in having their own. "That's... that's awesome. Congratulations, I hope it goes well." He said sincerely and unconsciously moving his hand down to his rounded belly.
"Thanks. I know you and Jen have had a hard time lately but I really wanted to share this with you. We just decided to go for it last week." He explained, the smile still in place.
Jared shook his head. "No, no I'm really happy for you guys." Jared insisted. "You guys would be great parents." Both Chad and Jason were caring, good-hearted people and Jared truly believed that they would be excellent parents.
Chad chuckled a little. "I hope so though I don't know if we can compete with you and Jen. You guys are like the most amazing parents a kid could ask for. Hope you won't mind us pestering you with questions?"
"I don't know about that Chad, we're not perfect... nowhere near that in fact." Jared said, rather sadly.
"Jay?" Chad questioned, not liking the look on Jared's face.
Jared was about to respond when he felt a distinct fluttering movement on the lower side of his abdomen. Having felt that tiny movement before, he knew what it was and he hesitantly placed his hand on his stomach. 'Baby?' He silently questioned, thinking that this baby had quite the timing.
"You okay buddy?" Chad asked, wondering what was going through Jared's head right now. His friend looked a little spooked.
"Hunh? Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Jared smiled a little, trying to reassure his friend as he continued to rub small circles on his belly.
Chad nodded back, watching Jared for a minute before he leaned down to pick up the present he'd brought with him. "Here, got you something." Chad smiled as he handed over a gift bag to his friend.
"Aw, thanks. You didn't have to." Jared smiled as he accepted the gift and moved his plate out of the way so that he could set the bag down on the table. He smiled as he pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and reached into the bag. After reading the card, he reached into it for a second time to pull out a miniature leather poker set. "Ah, yes!" He exclaimed, smiling and turning over the poker set to inspect it.
"Can I take these for you?" Their server asked after she'd walked back over to check on them and saw that both men appeared to be done with their meals.
"Oh, yes. Thank you." Jared smiled, feeling more relaxed now than he had at the start of the meal.
"Not a problem." The waitress responded as she picked up both men's plates. "Can I bring you fellas anything else?"
"Um, I'm good. Jay, you want desert?" Chad asked.
"No, that's alright. I think I'm good." He answered since he was starting to feel a little tired and he kind of wanted to get back to Jensen. He had felt the baby move a few more times since earlier in the night and he wanted to get home.
"Alright then just the check please." Chad requested.
"Sure, I'll be right back with that." The waitress smiled once more before she turned on her heel and headed back towards the kitchen. She returned just a few minutes later with the black check book and laid it down on the table. "Whenever you're ready."
"Thank you," Chad nodded and took out his wallet, placing his debit card in the sleeve.
"Thanks again Chad, it was nice to get out again." Jared said sincerely. He really had enjoyed spending the evening with his friend and in a way, it had made him feel better to get a little piece of his old routine back. "I ah... I needed this."
Chad smiled, grateful that he could do something for his friend. He wasn't sure exactly what was going on but Jared had definitely seemed on edge earlier in the evening. "No problem Jaybird." After the waitress returned, both men began to stand only for Jared to watch as Chad's eyes widened. Jared followed his friend's gaze and he felt himself start to panic. He scrambled to grab his jacket and tried to throw it on but it was too late. One look at Chad's face and he knew his friend had put the pieces together. "Jay? Why didn't you say anything?" Chad asked as he stepped closer to his friend, surprise and happiness on his face.
"I um... I... can we do this outside please?" Jared asked as he finished wrapping his coat around himself self-consciously. The panicked feeling back in full force and he wasn't sure that he wanted to wait for Chad. He felt like running for his car and heading home this instant but deep down, he knew that that would only cause more problems.
Chad noticed that Jared didn't look like he was happy to share this news and he felt bad that he'd reacted the way he had. Of course he'd had no idea that Jared wouldn't want him to have commented on it but still, he hadn't meant to upset Jared. "Course, let's go."
Jared nodded and then silently made his way out of the restaurant.
"So, what's going on?" Chad asked once they were back on the sidewalk. He didn't want to push his friend but he wanted Jared to know that he was there if he needed to talk. He loved the guy like he was his own brother and Jared just seemed to be... off. He hadn't been nearly as talkative during dinner as he usually was and he didn't seem to be happy.
Jared shrugged, his head down and avoiding his friend's gaze. It was obvious to him what was going on but he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Guess you've figured it out by now." He mumbled.
Chad nodded. "But you're not happy about it?" He guessed.
Jared didn't know how to respond. He couldn't say that he was happy about the baby and yet he couldn't say that he wasn't. Either way, he felt like he was giving himself away. "I'm... I'm scared." He finally admitted.
"That's alright Jay, you and Jen haven't exactly had it easy lately." Chad agreed. "I... I won't say anything about the baby, not if you don't want me to." Chad knew it wasn't his place to share this news and he didn't want to betray his friend.
"Thank you," Jared replied, finally looking up as he wiped his eyes. "I just... I just want to wait a while before ya know..."
"That's fine." Chad responded before he smiled again. "So how far along are you?" Jared's stomach was noticeable but not overly large so he was having trouble telling how far along his friend was.
"Um, five months." A tiny smile began to show on his face when he felt the little baby kick again. It was like he knew when people were talking about him. "It's a boy."
Chad hesitated with saying congratulations, his friend might be smiling a little now but he wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. "Wow Jay..." He sighed again, unsure of where to go from there as this most definitely wasn't the Jared he knew. Chad remembered how excited his friend had been when he had been pregnant the previous times and he didn't know if the miscarriage had caused this or if it was something else.
"Yeah, it ah... it kind of surprised us but..." Jared drifted off with a shrug causing Chad to chuckle.
"Alright, well I should let you head back home." Chad said when he saw that Jared was starting to look tired. "I know Jensen's gonna be pissed if I keep you for too long."
Jared nodded. "Yeah, um but thanks again." He smiled again as he accepted the gift bag and hugged Chad goodnight.
"Yeah sure, we'll catch up again soon okay man." Chad returned the hug and then the two went their separate ways.
~JA/JP-A~
Jensen walked into the house two days later after coming home from dropping Tyler off at school. He felt on edge and nervous as he stepped into the house and walked into his and Jared's bedroom. Today, Jared's rapist was going to be sentenced and it would also be the first time that Jensen was going to get an actual look at the bastard. Every muscle in his body felt ready and tensed for a fight but there was absolutely no way in hell that Jared was going to go to this thing alone. "Jay?" He called.
Jensen found Jared sitting on their bed with a piece of paper in his hands and his back to him. "Jay, you ready baby?" Jensen asked, not feeling ready himself.
Jared sniffled and quickly folded the paper up before standing and facing his husband. "Yeah, yeah... I'm ready." Jared felt shaky and he was scared to see what sentence his attacker would receive. He was worried that it wouldn't be enough and that before he knew it, his attacker would be back out on the streets. "Are you?"
Jensen nodded and gave his husband a loving smile as he walked towards him. He could see the fear in Jared's eyes and he wanted that to go away desperately. He silently pulled his husband into his arms and held him, hoping that Jared knew that this was something that they were doing together. "I promise you Jay, he isn't gonna touch. Not ever again." He swore, knowing that he would keep that promise for as long as he lived.
Jared laid his head on Jensen's chest and nodded. "I know." He breathed, relieved to feel Jensen's arms around him. Breathing in the scent of his husband, he felt safe and secure and it gave him a little bit more strength.
"Okay then," Jensen stepped back and kissed Jared's forehead and then the two headed off to the courthouse.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared was sitting beside Jensen, his hand clenched tightly in Jensen's as his knee bounced nervously up and down. He felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest and he couldn't take his eyes off of the door where he thought the man of his nightmares was going to walk through. It didn't help that the little boy inside of him was apparently restless this morning. Logically, he knew that his attacker was probably going to be cuffed and that there were police surrounding him and he wasn't here alone but this was even more terrifying than when he'd had to make an identification.
Jensen was whispering to Jared, trying to comfort and reassure him all the while he was trying to not jump out of his own skin. He didn't know how he'd react when he saw this man for the first time and he didn't want to make this worse for Jared. Glancing behind them, Jensen saw that the courtroom was full with other couples and some families. 'How many people has this guy hurt?' Jensen wondered to himself before he returned his attention back to his own husband. "How ya doing baby?" Jensen wondered, placing his free hand on Jared's stomach. Jared had told him that he'd felt the baby move for the first time while he was at dinner with Chad and in the middle of all of this, that was a happy, hopeful event. The knowledge that their little one was doing alright was definitely something to celebrate in Jensen's opinion.
"I'm okay," Jared responded, laying his head on Jensen's shoulder. He was trying to remain strong but with every passing minute, he wasn't sure if he could take the waiting. He was worried about his own safety but even more than that, he was worried about Jensen. How would his husband feel about seeing the man who had attacked him? How would Jensen react? Jared was worried that seeing the man would put ideas in Jensen's head of what had happened that night and he didn't want Jensen to have to go through that.
Jensen nodded though he didn't believe him. Jared was shaking too much for that to be believable. He kissed Jared's temple again and sat back to wait, knowing there really wasn't a whole lot that he could do.
About ten minutes passed before the door on the right-hand side of the courtroom opened and a man dressed in an orange jumpsuit walked out, flanked by two policemen on either side. Jensen heard his husband draw in a ragged breath and it made him sit up straighter. He knew that he would never get to put his hands on that evil son of a bitch but he wanted him to know that he was nobody he wanted to mess with. Jensen swallowed thickly as he took in the man's rough appearance and he felt his jaw tighten and his teeth grind together. This was the man who had broken into his house and attacked his husband and Jensen wanted nothing more than to leap over the tables and rip his throat out. Growling low and hearing people bristle all around him, Jensen wrapped his arm tighter around Jared trying to protect him as much as he could. The one thing he was pleased about was to see that the right hand side of the man's face was bruised and there was a cut above his eye. At least, he was getting some "special" treatment it seemed like.
Jared stared at his attacker, unable to take his eyes off of the man and all he could think of was what if his baby was this bastard's? What if his son had this man's facial features, his eyes and his mouth? Jared honestly did not think that he could handle looking at a physical reminder of his worst nightmare everyday for the rest of his life. The thought of it made him want to puke and he knew that he couldn't delay it any longer but before he could think about it anymore, the judge began the preceding.
"All rise," The judge ordered. "Will the defendant please step forward?"
There were murmurs running through the courtroom as the defendant, Kevin Montgomery, stepped forward with his lawyer at his side.
"Mr. Montgomery, you have pleaded guilty to five counts of rape and one count of attempted rape. Before we sentence you, is there anyone here who wishes to step forward and read a victim impact letter?" The judge asked, looking at the rather large amount of victims and families that were sitting in the benches.
Jensen and Jared watched as one man stood and walked up to the small podium. He looked nervous but Jared had to give him credit for going up there. He didn't think he could do it right now but at the same time, he wanted to be sure that this bastard was punished for what he'd done. At the encouragement of his therapist, he had written a victim impact letter though he hadn't been planing on reading it aloud to anybody ever.
Jensen watched as a man who looked to be about the same age as Jared stood in front of the small podium, staring out at the crowd. His voice shook as he began to read his written letter and Jensen found himself needing to hear what this man felt and thought.
"I never thought I'd be standing here reading a letter that was meant to be heard by somebody who has caused me more pain and more grief than I have ever known," The man paused and seemed to momentarily lock eyes with somebody sitting in the back. "ever thought was possible. That person stole my confidence, my sense of self and safety. That person made me feel like I couldn't trust anybody, including myself and the people I'd been close to for years. That person made me feel like I was worthless and useless except for one purpose and one purpose only. They made me doubt my world and my beliefs. You," he paused again only this time to lock eyes with the defendant, his gaze hard and steely. "You did that. You did that without a single care in the world and I don't know what I did to you to make you think I deserve this. To make you think that I deserved to be held down and raped but you were wrong and I hope you rot in hell you son of a bitch!" There was a palapable sense of anger coming off of the man now and Jensen found himself looking away for the first time since he'd started speaking and instead looking at Jared. Did his husband feel this way? Did Jared view himself and his world the way this man had? With that, the man stepped down from the podium and quickly walked back to his seat with his hands clenched at his side.
"Anybody else?" The judge asked and two more people stood. Another man who had been one of Kevin Montgomery's victims and a lady who was the mother of one of the men that he had murdered. While their statements still rang true, Jensen found that he could not stop thinking about that first man's words. While he knew that Jared was self-conscious and such these days, that letter had been incredibly insightful and he suddenly wanted to get out of the courtroom so that he could talk to his husband and find out what he thought. When no one else stood, the judge continued. "Kevin Montgomery, I hereby sentence you to life in prison in the state penitentiary for rape and murder. The crimes you have committed are not just against these victims and their families but against our society as a whole and I am appalled to call you a fellow human being." With that, Kevin Montgomery was led away and there was an audible sigh of relief from everyone around them.
"Come on, let's get out of here." Jensen encouraged, wanting to leave that room and that building as fast as possible once it was all done and over with.
Jared nodded and held tight to his husband's hand, also wanting to leave as soon as possible. He followed closely behind Jensen as they made their way out to the parking lot, managing to avoid the news cameras that hadn't been there when they'd arrived. "Want to just go home?" Jensen asked, hoping that Jared would say yes. He was taking the day off of work to keep an eye on his husband and just be close to him after having finally put an end to this horrific ordeal.
Jared nodded silently, one hand stuffed in his pocket as his fingers ran around the edges of his own victim impact statement.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared and Jensen had returned home from the courthouse almost two hours ago. They had both been feeling a bit on edge still, especially since it was hard for them to believe that this guy was actually going to spend the rest of his life in jail. Currently, they were laying in bed side by side facing each other. "How's he doing?" Jensen whispered as he gently reached a hand down to lay it on Jared's swelling belly. He had tried to ask his husband how he was doing but Jared had stated that he didn't want to talk about it.
Jared smiled shakily as he removed Jensen's hand from his belly and began to sit up. "He's okay," Jared responded, feeling tears prick his eyes. How did he say this? How did he tell his husband that he didn't want his baby?
"Jay?" Jensen questioned as he sat up. "Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, gently wrapping his arms around Jared's waist as he hoped that the comfort he was trying to provide would be accepted.
"Um," Jared paused, unable to bring himself to form the words that needed to be said. "I just... I..."
"Just what?" Jensen asked softly, wanting to know what it was that he could do to help Jared.
"I'm just kind of down right now, I guess." He lied, his heart feeling heavy with it. As much as he was terrified of having this baby, he was even more scared of what Jensen's reaction would be if he found out.
"It's been a rough day," Jensen agreed before he turned his head to the side and pressed a kiss to Jared's cheek. "But I'm so proud of you Jay and I love you so much and we're going to find a way to get past this, I promise you that." He still hadn't stopped thinking about what that man had said but he wasn't sure how to ask Jared if that was how he felt.
Jared sniffled, nodding a little. "We'll see," He replied, not feeling much better though he knew that Jensen had meant well. "Um, I'm kind of hungry. Do you think you could go make me something?" He asked, wanting to be alone for a few minutes so he could collect himself.
Jensen nodded. "Sure thing babe," Jensen gave Jared's cheek one last kiss and then headed out of the bedroom to make the two of them some lunch.
Jared sat on the bed with his head in his hands, worry and fear weighing him down as he imagined what his little boy might end up looking like. Instead of having Jensen's dirty blonde hair and green eyes and pouty lips, he imagined a baby who had a dark head of hair and steely blue eyes. Unable to stomach the idea, Jared ran to the bathroom and sank to his knees. His attacker was in prison, he was hopefully going to spend the rest of his life there so why couldn't Jared forget it? Why couldn't he close his eyes and not see that bastard's face? He had thought seeing him be sentenced would have given him some piece of mind but that obviously hadn't happened.
When he came walking into the kitchen about twenty minutes later, he saw that Jensen was standing in the backyard with his back to the door and his cell phone pressed to his ear. He didn't mean to eavesdrop on him but he couldn't help it.
"How did the hearing go?" Claire asked from the other end of the line.
Jensen closed his eyes and sighed, relieved that it was over and that he and Jared could finally focus on rebuilding their lives without having to worry about what was going to happen to the case. "It went alright," He responded, remembering his husband's quiet fear and his own seething hatred for the man that had stood in front of them. "He was sentenced to life and he's going to be prosecuted in a few other states for other crimes so..." Jensen explained.
"How did Jay handle it?" She asked with concern in her voice.
"He... he did okay. I mean he was shaking like a leaf but I think this helped him or well, will help him." Jensen was hopeful that having this man locked up for good this time would give Jared a piece of his confidence back.
"I hope so." Claire agreed.
Especially with having another baby on the way, Jared had to be under a ton of stress which was not what he needed and Jensen could only pray that things would start to look up for them again.
Jared stood inside the open doorway, listening to his husband's conversation. It was pretty obvious that he was the topic of conversation but he wasn't sure who Jensen was talking to. He had thought that they had already updated both of their families with the hearing news. He let out a little cough, alerting Jensen to his presence.
Jensen stiffened when he heard the cough, internally cursing and praying that Jared hadn't heard the whole conversation. "Um, hey... I gotta go but I'll call you later." He hung up without waiting for a response and turned around, already feeling guilty for what he'd done.
"Who was that?" Jared asked, feeling strangely uncomfortable.
"Um, Claire..." Jensen admitted, waiting for Jared to put the pieces together. "Jay, I'm sorry baby." He apologized as he watched Jared's face fall.
"When?" Jared asked, his voice rough with emotion.
"Um, a couple months ago. Ty told Brendan that you had been in the hospital and she asked and um..." Jensen shrugged, hating the fact that just when things had started looking up, he'd gone and caused this.
Jared nodded jerkily before he turned around to head back inside the house. He paused before he reached the thresh hold though and turned back around, glaring daggers at Jensen. "You lied to me," The tears in Jared's eyes killed Jensen and he hated himself for being the one to put them there. "You told me that we didn't have to tell anyone if I didn't want to and yet, all this time," Jared drifted off, shaking his head as he finally headed inside. He walked straight to the front door and slammed it behind himself.
"God dammit!" Jensen cursed as he put his head in his hands, the sound of the door slamming shut making him flinch.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared drove down the street, unsure of where he could or should go as tears raced down his cheeks. How could Jensen have done that? His husband was supposed to be his confidant and he couldn't help but to feel pretty betrayed right now. After all, Jensen was always the one telling him that this wasn't anybody else's business so what had given him the right to go ahead and tell people? His shoulders shaking, Jared looked up to find himself in the parking lot of his therapist's office. He sat for a moment, debating about whether or not he should go walk in there and try to get an appointment or if he should just turn around and head home. His phone rang and he wasn't surprised to see Jensen's name on the caller ID. 'I can't go home' he thought to himself. He was beyond furious and extremely hurt and he wasn't ready to go see or talk to Jensen just yet. Not wanting to deal with his husband right now, Jared put his phone in the center console of his car and headed into the office with his fingers crossed.
"Jared?" Dr. Schiffer's assistant asked, surprised to see him in the office today.
"Hey," He responded, feeling unsure of himself now. "I know I don't have an appointment scheduled but I was wondering if she had any time at all to see me?" Jared bit his lip nervously hoping that the answer would be yes.
Seeing the sad and almost desperate look in Jared's eyes, the receptionist sighed sympathetically as she wondered what had happened. "Well, she's in with another client right now but they should be done in a few minutes if you don't mind waiting." She answered.
Jared nodded and headed for one of the empty chairs.
~JA/JP-A~
By now, Jensen had called Jared's phone at least three times, left two messages and texted him once but he still hadn't received any response. It was driving him crazy having Jared ignore him like this, however justified he knew his husband was. He had fucked up, he knew that but he had zero idea of how in the hell he was going to fix it. Thankfully, Tyler was still at school and would be for the next three hours so at least he didn't have to worry about his son but it wasn't that big of a reprieve. Jensen couldn't help but to keep glancing at the front door, almost as if he was trying to will Jared to walk through it.
~JA/JP-A~
"Jared?" Dr. Schiffer called, surprised to see him in the waiting room even though her receptionist had told her that he was there. "What's going on?"
Jared looked pleadingly at his therapist. "I need somebody to talk to," He replied. "And I figured that I could come here."
"Of course, let's go into my office." She motioned for him to follow her and the two walked the short distance to her office. "So, what happened?" She repeated as soon as the door had shut. She thought that this might be the angriest she'd ever seen him and so far, she couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.
Jared sighed before he began pacing the length of the room as he was way too upset to take up his normal seat. "Jensen! He's supposed to be my best friend and my confidant but nope, looks like I was wrong about those two things."
Dr. Schiffer noted that underneath the anger, there was also a good deal of sadness. "And what makes you think that's no longer true?" She asked, making sure there was nothing accusatory about her tone of voice.
"Because he went behind my back and lied to me! He told me that it was all my choice and that if I didn't want to tell people then, I didn't have to because it wasn't any of their fucking business! But the reason I didn't have to say anything to anybody is because he was already out there telling them." He ranted, unable to calm himself down and as such, he could feel the baby kicking up a storm inside him. It only served to make him more irritated.
"How did you find out that he was telling people?" Dr. Schiffer questioned carefully.
"I caught him on the phone... just before I came here. And I thought he was talking to his mom or something because he was discussing the sentencing hearing but nope, he was on the phone with a friend of ours who I didn't know knew about this! What gives him the right to talk about something that happened to me?!" Jared looked at her with tears in his eyes and his hands clenched at his side.
Dr. Schiffer agreed that Jensen didn't have that right, especially if the two of them had agreed to not tell unnecessary people but she also doubted that Jensen had done it out of pure cruelty either. "What makes you the most upset about Jensen telling this friend?" She asked him, wanting to find out if it was the lying that made him upset or if it was the fact that somebody else now knew about his rape.
Jared stopped his pacing and wiped a hand over his face. "I'm... I'm upset because I don't want her to know." Jared answered, knowing deep down that that was only part of the reason why he was so upset right now.
"And why don't you want her to know? Are you afraid of how she'll react?" Dr. Schiffer actually thought that Jared being angry was going to be helpful. So far, he hadn't shown that side really and letting some of that steam out could only be a good thing she felt.
"I don't... I don't want pity and I know that she already does feel bad for me." Jared answered as he finally collapsed to sit on the couch. He chewed on his thumbnail nervously and looked away from his doctor.
"Why is that?" Dr. Schiffer wondered.
"Because... because I had a miscarriage last year and she and her husband were there to kind of help Jensen and I through it." Jared explained, finally revealing the fact that he had at one time suffered a miscarriage.
Dr. Schiffer nodded as she took in another painful part of Jared's life.
"And it, it was really hard to deal with," He continued as his teared up once again. "I mean, I... I lost our baby and I thought I'd been doing everything right, ya know? And I thought I was a good parent to Tyler and losing the baby just kind of felt like a slap in the face. Especially since we'd tried so hard to have a second one." He sniffled and grabbed a tissue from the box on the table. "And... and I'm trying to move on from it but I can't help but to think about how badly I failed." He admitted.
"Why do you think you failed?" She asked, not suprised to hear that Jared blamed himself for the loss of his baby.
Jared looked at his doctor as if she had two heads. The answer was obvious to him. "Because I was the one carrying the baby, it was my job to keep him or her safe and I wasn't able to do that. I... I don't know why but I just... I failed." He shrugged, wiping his eyes again.
"Did the doctors give you a possible explanation?" She knew that was unlikely seeing as how many miscarriages occurred without an explanation.
Jared shook his head no. "I had no trouble getting pregnant with Tyler or carrying him so I don't know what went wrong. And now..." His gaze drifted down to his obviously rounded stomach and he bit his lip, trying to stop himself from crying more.
"How is he?" Dr. Schiffer asked. Jared had only revealed a tiny amount about this pregnancy the last time he'd been in her office.
"He's... he's good but I'm scared." He confessed, feeling himself start to break down again.
"Are you afraid that you'll lose this baby too?" Dr. Schiffer asked though Jared looked like he might be far enough along to not have to worry about that.
"No, I'm... I'm in my second trimester so I'm not so worried about that." He stopped, hesitating and unsure of whether or not he wanted to reveal his true fears about this baby.
"What is it?" She pushed, sensing that Jared was stalling with himself. It was obvious that these were all things that he'd needed to talk about for a while but hadn't been able to.
"I'm... I'm worried that Jen isn't the baby's father." His face crumpled and he buried his head in his hands. "Even just thinking that makes me feel dirty and like a God-damned whore but I know it's true. I'm so scared that I can't enjoy this. I... I want to and I know Jensen is but I'm petrified. What am I going to do if this is my rapist's baby? I... I don't know if I could handle that but I know that Jensen isn't going to let me give him up."
Dr. Schiffer paused before she answered, thinking carefully of where she wanted to go next. "And you haven't brought this up to Jensen?" She clarified.
"Once, the night he found out I was pregnant." Jared replied. "He... he told me that he didn't care and that this baby would only be his. He doesn't get it though. How can I look at this child every day and wonder? What if he looks like him?"
"Oh, Jared," Dr. Schiffer felt for her patient and her heart went out to him, this was most definitely not a fun situation to be in.
"I'm... I'm so afraid he's going to hate me or that he's going to be angry with me. Especially since I lost our last baby and now I'm saying that I don't want this one." He cried and as much as he was sobbing right now, it felt good to finally let all of this out. These were worries that he'd been dealing with on his own for the past several months and it felt good and kind of freeing to finally share them with somebody, to finally let somebody see just how much he was struggling.
"You are aware that as the one who has to carry this baby, it is your choice?" She reminded him. She wasn't necessarily trying to encourage him to do one thing or another but she wanted Jared to realize that whatever happened, he had the ability to control and choose it.
Jared nodded even though he wasn't sure he completely felt that way.
"Do you think you could want this baby?" Dr. Schiffer asked, coming up with a possible solution to Jared's worries. It might help set his mind at ease and she hoped he'd listen to her.
Jared sniffled. "I don't want to have my rapist's baby but my family's so excited that I don't know what to do. I think about adoption every day and I try to act excited when the baby kicks or something but... I just don't know."
"Correct me if I'm wrong here but it seems to me that your main worry is what to do if the baby does belong to Mr. Montgomery, right?" Jared nodded. "And if this baby was Jensen's, would that change how you feel?"
Jared nodded again. "Yes, but then at the same time I think I'd feel guilty for the fact that at one time I didn't want him. I mean, what kind of parent does that make me?" He asked.
"I think it makes you a parent who has a very difficult decision to make." Also, after hearing all of this, Dr. Schiffer thought that maybe Jared was also and possibly more angry at Jensen for wanting this baby so badly than he was about revealing to a friend that he'd been raped. "Have you thought about getting a DNA test done? I'm not telling you what to do here Jared but I think that would answer your question and might help you make your decision, whatever it ends up being."
Jared dried his eyes and thought about it. He hadn't considered a DNA test and while he agreed that it would most definitely answer his question of who the father was, he wasn't sure what he would do with the possible results.
"I also think that you need to really talk to Jensen and let him know how you're feeling, about the baby and what happened earlier." She instructed. "That letter I had you write last week, do you still have it?"
Jared nodded. "I um... I couldn't read it." He said, his eyes looking at the carpet.
"That's okay," She encouraged. "We agreed that you didn't have to but those things you wrote down in it, it might be a good idea to let Jensen be aware of them."
Even though the idea made him feel very vulnerable, he nodded anyhow. "I'll think about it, thank you." He smiled sincerely though his eyes were still wet. "Sorry for crashing your lunch hour."
Dr. Schiffer shook her head. "Don't be sorry, I'm glad we had the chance to talk and I hope you'll think about what we said."
Jared nodded. "I will." He gave her one last little smile and then headed out of the room. He wasn't sure exactly what he was going to do or say when he got back home but at least now, he didn't feel like he was completely by himself. He had options and he realized that now.
Thanks a lot for reading this uber long chapter! I'll try to post one next week :)
Rating: NC-17
Author: kelzm1989
Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Spoilers: none
Warnings: Rape/non-con, mpreg
Word Count: 10045
Summary: Based on this prompt: Jensen and Jared live together but Jensen is away on a bussiness trip and Jared is alone at home with their son when a stranger breaks in. Jared is attacked and raped and the son doesn't know what happened but he calls for help. Jensen finds out, he's worried and feeling guilty because when he left, him and Jared were fighting.
Disclaimer: This is pure imagination and let's hope that neither guy ever actually does go through this. I swear I want them to be safe... I just have a bit of a messed up mind, is all ;)
***Author's note: Sorry for the long time without an update but this chapter kind of took on a mind of it's own and I had to force it to stop ;) I hope you all enjoy the chapter and I look forward to hearing what everyone thought of it. I'll try to update ASAP... I'm hoping that that means sometime next week. Thanks again for reading!
"Daddy?" Tyler asked one morning shortly after school had started for the year, much to Jared's relief. He was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his cereal at an usually slow pace.
"Yes Ty?" Jared responded, his back to his son as he finished up the dishes that had been left behind. Jensen had already left for work but was set to meet him at Dr. Morgan's office in a few hours. He had another check-up today and with any luck, they'd find out what they were having. 'Now if only I knew who the father was' Jared thought to himself, unsure of whether or not to be excited about today's appointment. He wanted to be, especially since learning the sex would make certain things easier but at the same time, his mind was still clouded with worry and doubt.
"Why are you going to the doctor's today? Are you sick?" He asked, looking a little worried.
Jared finally turned around and took a seat at the table. "I'm okay Ty, I promise." He reassured. Ever since his little hospital stay, Tyler had decided that he didn't like doctors and the mention of Jared seeing one was enough to make the little boy very nervous. "But papa and I are going to see the doctor today to check on the baby."
"Is the baby okay?" He questioned, his curious hazel eyes going to Jared's stomach.
Jared nodded at his son, placing one hand on his belly. "The baby's fine Ty, there's no reason to worry buddy."
Tyler nodded, seeming accepting of that explanation. "It's still a secret, right?" He questioned. His grandparents had called to talk a few times and each time, he'd wanted to say that he was going to be a big brother but so far his daddies weren't letting him.
Jared nodded, surprised that Tyler had actually been able to keep it a secret for as long as he had. "I promise Ty, we'll tell people soon." 'We're going to have to' he thought. His parents had invited the three of them to spend Thanksgiving in Texas at their house and Jared knew that if he waited until then to make the announcement, it wouldn't go over well.
"Okay," Tyler responded before he continued eating his cereal and Jared thought that was the end of the conversation. "I hope it's a boy." He said a few minutes later, catching Jared off guard.
"Really?" He asked, surprised by his son's statement. "And why is that?"
"Because it'd be cool to have a little brother. You and papa are both little brothers and I could be like Uncle Jeff and Uncle Josh." He explained.
"You wanna be like your uncles?" Jared chuckled a little though at the same time, it only made him feel more conflicted. How could he give this baby up when the rest of his family was so happy about it? Would they be mad at him? Or resentful? Standing and going to the fridge so that Tyler wouldn't see the look on his face, Jared ordered his son to finish eating or else he was going to be late for school.
~JA/ JP-A~
Later that afternoon , Jared was lying back on the exam table, a sheet covering his lower half and his shirt pulled up to expose his belly. He had one hand clenched in Jensen's and the other was holding tightly to the sheet as he tried to keep it from falling off. Laying like this had him feeling a bit insecure and nervous though he was trying not to show it. He knew that neither man had any ill intentions towards him but he was still anxious to put his clothes back on.
Jeff turned back around from where he had been pulling some gloves on to face his patients. He knew this was a big day for the two of them and not only because they would hopefully be learning the baby's sex. Jared was finally now in his second trimester. His blood pressure was a bit higher than what Jeff would have liked but he had gained more weight than Jeff had thought he would so it was small improvements. It still wasn't what would be considered "normal" for Jared's size but given his history, it was a good sign. "Alright, you two ready to see what's going on in there?" He asked with an encouraging smile on his face.
Jensen nodded even as Jared's eyes remained fixed on the ultrasound screen. "Tyler said he hopes it's a boy." He said quietly as he thought back to what had happened this morning.
"Really?" Jensen asked with a note of excitement in his voice. He liked the thought of another boy and even more so that their son was excited about it. He knew that kids sometimes acted up when a new baby came around so the fact that Tyler was excited about the baby definitely made things easier.
Jared nodded, swallowing and feeling teary eyed at the tone of Jensen's voice. What was he going to do? "Well, what do you see?" He asked his doctor, hoping that the two other men would mistake his nervousness for something else.
Jeff grinned. "Looks like your boy's getting his wish. You guys are going to have another little monster on your hands soon." He congratulated.
Jensen beamed when he heard that he and Jared were going to be having a second son and he couldn't take his eyes off of the blurry screen. He only looked down when he heard Jared crying and it was then that he saw just how much his husband was shaking. "Aw, Jay," He reached a soothing hand down to run his fingers through Jared's hair and kissed his temple.
Jared sniffled as he tried to compose himself. He accepted the grainy photo that Jeff handed him and wiped his eyes. "Ty's gonna be so happy." He murmured as he avoided Jensen's gaze, all the while feeling his heart break.
Jensen nodded, continuing to smile even though there was a little niggling voice in the back of his head. Jared didn't look as happy as he'd thought he'd be.
~JA/ JP-A~
"Tyler!" Jensen shouted from the living room.
"You sure you want to tell him tonight?" Jared asked, wringing his hands together nervously.
Jensen nodded. "Yeah, why not? Do you not want to?" Jensen asked, turning around to look at his husband who was sitting on the couch.
"No, no, it's fine." Jared responded as Tyler came walking into the room.
"What is it Papa?" Tyler asked, looking at his parents expectantly. He couldn't tell if he was in trouble or not. And if he was, he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong.
"Daddy and I have something to tell you." Jensen smiled as he took a seat beside Jared and motioned for Tyler to come join them.
"What is it? Is it about the baby? Is it a boy?" Tyler asked excitedly.
Jensen nodded, a smile on his own face. "You want to tell him Jay or me?" He asked.
"You can tell him," Jared said, faking his own smile.
Jensen laid one hand flat on Jared's belly and smiled at his son. "Looks like you got your wish kiddo, you're gonna have a little brother in a few months." Jensen explained, rubbing gentle touches into Jared's skin. He hadn't felt the baby move yet but he was excited to have that happen.
"It's a boy?" Tyler asked causing both his parents to nod their heads. "Yes!" He exclaimed happily.
"You've been really good Ty and really helpful to daddy so far and I need you to keep that up okay bud?" Jensen asked, looking at his son seriously.
"I will Papa, I promise! I'll be super good!" Tyler responded eagerly before he lifted his hand and paused.
Jared noticed and smiled softly at his son. "I know you will Ty. What is it bud? You wanna touch my stomach?" He asked causing Tyler to nod. "It's okay, you can." He encouraged even though he wasn't sure he totally liked all this attention.
"Does... does it hurt?" Tyler asked, his voice filled with caution.
Jared shook his head. "No, it just feels a little strange sometimes. And once your brother starts kicking, then we'll be able to feel him more and you can say hi to him then okay?" Jared wished that he felt excited about telling his son about his little unborn brother but this was not what he had been expecting and he was just trying to hide his hurt.
Tyler nodded. "Did I kick you?" He asked curiously.
Jared laughed, a genuine smile on his face as he thought back to how active of a baby Tyler had been. "Yup, your papa and I thought you were gonna be a soccer player you moved around so much." He answered, looking over Tyler's head to share a smile with Jensen.
"I do like soccer," Tyler responded cheekily.
"Yes, you do my little man." Jared laughed again and reached to ruffle his son's hair. "Yes, you do." He said just before he yawned, feeling tired of all a sudden.
Jensen noticed and turned his attention back to his son. "Hey Ty, what do you say you and I go play some soccer out in the backyard while we let daddy sleep?" He suggested, smiling back at Jared when his husband sent him a grateful look.
"Yay!" Tyler shouted, jumping up to go run out to the backyard and where his soccer ball was.
"I'll keep him entertained for a while, go rest." Jensen instructed, standing himself and pressing a kiss to Jared's forehead.
Jared nodded and waited until his husband had gone outside before he let the first tear fall.
~JA/JP-A~
"You do realize that you don't have to go tonight if you don't want to, right?" Jensen encouraged from where he was standing in the doorway of his and Jared's bedroom. His husband had plans to go out to dinner with Chad tonight but Jensen wasn't entirely sure that this was the best idea right now.
"It would be rude to cancel at the last minute." Jared argued as he stood in front of the closet mirror, adjusting his shirt and hoping that his belly wasn't too obvious.
"Jay," Jensen sighed as he uncrossed his arms and walked over to where his husband was standing. "I'm sure Chad would understand if you told him that you weren't feeling well." He drifted off when Jared shot him a look.
"I feel fine." Jared ground out, actually telling the truth. He was stressed and worried, what with the sentencing hearing only a few days away but he didn't feel super tired or nauseous and he had to admit that there was a part of him that was looking forward to having dinner with his friend. He was so tired of letting his paranoia rule his life like it had been for the past few months. "What do you think? Is this okay or should I change?" He asked self-consciously, switching subjects.
A smile pulled at Jensen's face and he stepped forward to loop his arms around his spouse's waist. "You look great." He replied truthfully. Jared was gaining weight... finally and he had also lost some of the exhausted look that he'd been carrying around with him for the past while. Jensen removed one hand from Jared's hip to brush some of his shaggy hair back and smiled again. Only this time, there was a heated desire in his green eyes too. "You sure you want to go out with Chad tonight? I mean, I could call a sitter and take you myself?" He grinned.
Jared laughed even as a blush covered his cheeks and he lowered his eyes. "Maybe another time?" He asked somewhat shyly.
Jensen nodded, placing his hand on Jared's cheek. "Most definitely." Jensen agreed before he leaned in for a kiss.
Jared felt the gentle insistence of Jensen's mouth on his and he returned it, gripping hard to his husband's arm and back. Ever since the day that the two of them had taken that drive up to skyline, they had slowly been getting physically reacquainted with one another though Jared still refused to let Jensen go below the belt. "Jen," He whimpered, feeling his heartbeat increase and his palms start to sweat. It didn't help that he was reaching the horny stages of pregnancy either.
"Hmm," Jensen murmured continuing to rub gentle circles into Jared's back with his thumbs.
"I should go." He said softly, laying his head on Jensen's shoulder. "Chad's waiting on me."
Jensen was about to argue once more that Jared could just cancel the whole thing and stay home with him but one look at his husband's face and Jensen knew that Jared wanted to do this... he was just scared. "Yeah, go and have fun okay baby?" He encouraged, genuinely wanting Jared to have fun tonight.
Jared smiled weakly before he finally stepped back out of Jensen's arms and reached to collect his wallet and car keys. "Walk me out to the car?" He asked.
"Of course." Jensen nodded, following his husband down the hall and into the living room so that Jared could say goodnight to Tyler before he left.
"Be good for papa okay Ty? I'll see you in the morning." Jared ruffled his son's hair and gave him a hug goodnight.
Tyler nodded distractedly. "Bye daddy." He responded, looking briefly at his dad and then back at the video he was watching.
"Come on," Jensen encouraged as he grabbed Jared's hand and led him out to the driveway and where the cars were parked.
As they stepped out the front door with their hands linked, Jared could feel himself growing more and more nervous. What if one of their new neighbors saw them holding hands? What if they didn't like that and didn't want "that kind" in their neighborhood? He'd met a couple people here and there over the past couple weeks and they all seemed nice but he wasn't sure how this group of people would react to witnessing acts like those.
Jensen could feel Jared squirming and trying to pull away as they walked to the car but he refused to let him. He knew his husband was nervous about being "caught" but Jensen didn't care. He didn't give a rat's ass what these people thought and in his mind, if they had a problem with it then they could just go shove it. Jared was his husband, had been for the past decade and would be for the rest of his life if Jensen had it his way. He was proud of that and he wasn't about to start hiding it. "It's okay Jay," Jensen reassured, wanting Jared to start feeling comfortable showing him affection in public again.
Jared didn't respond but just reached to open up his car door. "Will you be asleep or...?" He asked as he continued to look around the street, relieved to find it empty.
Jensen shook his head. "No, I'll be up." He replied leaning in for one last kiss and hoping that Jared would allow it.
Seeing that the street was empty of any potential witnesses, Jared allowed Jensen to give him a quick peck on the cheek before he took off.
~JA/JP-A~
After having made the twenty minute drive to downtown Los Gatos, Jared parked his car and headed towards the place that he and Chad had agreed to meet at. As he walked closer, he spotted his friend waiting outside and he tried to calm himself down. He knew he was visibly heavier than he had been and he was hoping that this was one of those times when Chad was completely and utterly oblivious.
"Hey man!" Chad greeted happily as he walked towards his friend and pulled Jared into a hug.
"Hey," Jared smiled, returning the hug. "Sorry I'm a little late."
Chad shook his head. "No worries." And with that, Jared followed his friend into the small Crepe restaurant. Jared was relieved that they were seated quickly, hoping that the table would help to hide some of his belly. He smiled nervously across the table and then picked up the menu. "What's good here?" He asked.
"Steve loves the seafood crepe but my favorite's the breaded chicken breast." Chad answered, already knowing what he was ordering.
Jared nodded and continued scanning the menu. He had already picked out what he wanted but he was trying to stall conversation and small talk. A few minutes later a woman in a crisp white dress shirt and a black pencil skirt walked up to the table. "Hi, I'm Melody. I'll be your server tonight. Are we ready to order or would you like a few more minutes?" She asked, ready with her pen and notepad.
Chad looked at Jared who nodded. "I'll um... I'll have the Greek salad crepe please? And water's fine." Jared glanced at the young girl briefly and gave her a small smile before he returned his gaze to the table top.
"Sure thing. Do you want the side soup or salad or just the crepe?" She asked.
"Just the crepe please." Jared answered and then the waitress turned to Chad who ordered the breaded chicken crepe he'd been talking about along with a glass of the house chardonnay. Jared was hoping that Chad wasn't paying too much attention to the fact that he was avoiding alcohol tonight.
"So, how ya been man?" Chad questioned with a friendly and happy smile on his face once the waitress had left.
Jared swallowed before he took a sip of his water. "Ah, good." Jared replied. "Busy though but how have you been? I'm sorry we didn't get to talk too much when you guys were at the house the other day."
Chad shook his head as he relaxed back into his seat. "No worries, we were all pretty busy that day. How is the house? You guys settling in alright?" He asked.
Jared nodded. "Yeah, it's alright so far. Thank God Ty's adjusting to it pretty well." He explained. He and Jensen were beyond relieved that Tyler liked the house and was happy with the move.
"That's good." Chad laughed, knowing that Jared and Jensen's son could be quite the handful sometimes. "Here, try this. It's amazing." Chad encouraged as he began to hand his glass of wine over to Jared.
"Oh um, no thanks. I'm good." Jared replied, putting his hand up and hoping that Chad wouldn't push it.
"You sure?" Chad asked, pulling his glass back towards him.
Jared nodded. "Yeah, I'm um... I'm trying not to drink as much." He lied. He'd never been a huge drinker so he knew that wasn't exactly believable.
Chad looked at Jared skeptically. "Alright then so what else is new with you? How's the job search coming?" Chad asked, knowing that the last time he and Jared had gone out to eat, his friend had been starting to look for a new job.
Jared shrugged, unsure of what to say. Ever since the rape, he hadn't sent out any more applications partly because he'd just been so busy dealing with everything else and partly because he hadn't been motivated to do so. "It's slow and we've um... we've kind of been focusing on some other things lately so..." He drifted off.
"It can definitely take a while but don't worry Jay, you'll find something." Chad encouraged. He knew that Jared had been out of the workforce for a while now, pretty much since Tyler had been born but his friend was a smart and hard-working guy so he had faith in him.
"Yeah, I guess." Jared responded, relieved when the server walked over with their dinners. The conversation dwindled as the two began to dig into their meals, occasionally trading comments about how good the food was. Jared still felt a little anxious that he'd slip up and somehow his best friend would know that something was up but over all this was turning out to be a nice evening.
"Hey, can I tell you something?" Chad asked, pausing from eating as he leaned closer to Jared with a smile on his face.
Amused by the happy look on his friend's face, Jared nodded glad that the conversation was now turning away from him. It helped him to relax a little bit more. "Course, what is it?" He asked, intrigued.
"Jason and I are thinking about adopting." Chad said, hoping that he wasn't going to make his friend feel bad with that news. He logically knew that the miscarriage had occurred a while ago but he also knew just how big of an impact it had made on his friends. Truthfully, Chad wasn't sure that Jared had really ever "gotten over" losing the baby.
"Wow," Jared replied, surprised by that news. Jason and Chad had always been good with kids but up until recently they had never really been interested in having their own. "That's... that's awesome. Congratulations, I hope it goes well." He said sincerely and unconsciously moving his hand down to his rounded belly.
"Thanks. I know you and Jen have had a hard time lately but I really wanted to share this with you. We just decided to go for it last week." He explained, the smile still in place.
Jared shook his head. "No, no I'm really happy for you guys." Jared insisted. "You guys would be great parents." Both Chad and Jason were caring, good-hearted people and Jared truly believed that they would be excellent parents.
Chad chuckled a little. "I hope so though I don't know if we can compete with you and Jen. You guys are like the most amazing parents a kid could ask for. Hope you won't mind us pestering you with questions?"
"I don't know about that Chad, we're not perfect... nowhere near that in fact." Jared said, rather sadly.
"Jay?" Chad questioned, not liking the look on Jared's face.
Jared was about to respond when he felt a distinct fluttering movement on the lower side of his abdomen. Having felt that tiny movement before, he knew what it was and he hesitantly placed his hand on his stomach. 'Baby?' He silently questioned, thinking that this baby had quite the timing.
"You okay buddy?" Chad asked, wondering what was going through Jared's head right now. His friend looked a little spooked.
"Hunh? Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Jared smiled a little, trying to reassure his friend as he continued to rub small circles on his belly.
Chad nodded back, watching Jared for a minute before he leaned down to pick up the present he'd brought with him. "Here, got you something." Chad smiled as he handed over a gift bag to his friend.
"Aw, thanks. You didn't have to." Jared smiled as he accepted the gift and moved his plate out of the way so that he could set the bag down on the table. He smiled as he pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and reached into the bag. After reading the card, he reached into it for a second time to pull out a miniature leather poker set. "Ah, yes!" He exclaimed, smiling and turning over the poker set to inspect it.
"Can I take these for you?" Their server asked after she'd walked back over to check on them and saw that both men appeared to be done with their meals.
"Oh, yes. Thank you." Jared smiled, feeling more relaxed now than he had at the start of the meal.
"Not a problem." The waitress responded as she picked up both men's plates. "Can I bring you fellas anything else?"
"Um, I'm good. Jay, you want desert?" Chad asked.
"No, that's alright. I think I'm good." He answered since he was starting to feel a little tired and he kind of wanted to get back to Jensen. He had felt the baby move a few more times since earlier in the night and he wanted to get home.
"Alright then just the check please." Chad requested.
"Sure, I'll be right back with that." The waitress smiled once more before she turned on her heel and headed back towards the kitchen. She returned just a few minutes later with the black check book and laid it down on the table. "Whenever you're ready."
"Thank you," Chad nodded and took out his wallet, placing his debit card in the sleeve.
"Thanks again Chad, it was nice to get out again." Jared said sincerely. He really had enjoyed spending the evening with his friend and in a way, it had made him feel better to get a little piece of his old routine back. "I ah... I needed this."
Chad smiled, grateful that he could do something for his friend. He wasn't sure exactly what was going on but Jared had definitely seemed on edge earlier in the evening. "No problem Jaybird." After the waitress returned, both men began to stand only for Jared to watch as Chad's eyes widened. Jared followed his friend's gaze and he felt himself start to panic. He scrambled to grab his jacket and tried to throw it on but it was too late. One look at Chad's face and he knew his friend had put the pieces together. "Jay? Why didn't you say anything?" Chad asked as he stepped closer to his friend, surprise and happiness on his face.
"I um... I... can we do this outside please?" Jared asked as he finished wrapping his coat around himself self-consciously. The panicked feeling back in full force and he wasn't sure that he wanted to wait for Chad. He felt like running for his car and heading home this instant but deep down, he knew that that would only cause more problems.
Chad noticed that Jared didn't look like he was happy to share this news and he felt bad that he'd reacted the way he had. Of course he'd had no idea that Jared wouldn't want him to have commented on it but still, he hadn't meant to upset Jared. "Course, let's go."
Jared nodded and then silently made his way out of the restaurant.
"So, what's going on?" Chad asked once they were back on the sidewalk. He didn't want to push his friend but he wanted Jared to know that he was there if he needed to talk. He loved the guy like he was his own brother and Jared just seemed to be... off. He hadn't been nearly as talkative during dinner as he usually was and he didn't seem to be happy.
Jared shrugged, his head down and avoiding his friend's gaze. It was obvious to him what was going on but he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Guess you've figured it out by now." He mumbled.
Chad nodded. "But you're not happy about it?" He guessed.
Jared didn't know how to respond. He couldn't say that he was happy about the baby and yet he couldn't say that he wasn't. Either way, he felt like he was giving himself away. "I'm... I'm scared." He finally admitted.
"That's alright Jay, you and Jen haven't exactly had it easy lately." Chad agreed. "I... I won't say anything about the baby, not if you don't want me to." Chad knew it wasn't his place to share this news and he didn't want to betray his friend.
"Thank you," Jared replied, finally looking up as he wiped his eyes. "I just... I just want to wait a while before ya know..."
"That's fine." Chad responded before he smiled again. "So how far along are you?" Jared's stomach was noticeable but not overly large so he was having trouble telling how far along his friend was.
"Um, five months." A tiny smile began to show on his face when he felt the little baby kick again. It was like he knew when people were talking about him. "It's a boy."
Chad hesitated with saying congratulations, his friend might be smiling a little now but he wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say. "Wow Jay..." He sighed again, unsure of where to go from there as this most definitely wasn't the Jared he knew. Chad remembered how excited his friend had been when he had been pregnant the previous times and he didn't know if the miscarriage had caused this or if it was something else.
"Yeah, it ah... it kind of surprised us but..." Jared drifted off with a shrug causing Chad to chuckle.
"Alright, well I should let you head back home." Chad said when he saw that Jared was starting to look tired. "I know Jensen's gonna be pissed if I keep you for too long."
Jared nodded. "Yeah, um but thanks again." He smiled again as he accepted the gift bag and hugged Chad goodnight.
"Yeah sure, we'll catch up again soon okay man." Chad returned the hug and then the two went their separate ways.
~JA/JP-A~
Jensen walked into the house two days later after coming home from dropping Tyler off at school. He felt on edge and nervous as he stepped into the house and walked into his and Jared's bedroom. Today, Jared's rapist was going to be sentenced and it would also be the first time that Jensen was going to get an actual look at the bastard. Every muscle in his body felt ready and tensed for a fight but there was absolutely no way in hell that Jared was going to go to this thing alone. "Jay?" He called.
Jensen found Jared sitting on their bed with a piece of paper in his hands and his back to him. "Jay, you ready baby?" Jensen asked, not feeling ready himself.
Jared sniffled and quickly folded the paper up before standing and facing his husband. "Yeah, yeah... I'm ready." Jared felt shaky and he was scared to see what sentence his attacker would receive. He was worried that it wouldn't be enough and that before he knew it, his attacker would be back out on the streets. "Are you?"
Jensen nodded and gave his husband a loving smile as he walked towards him. He could see the fear in Jared's eyes and he wanted that to go away desperately. He silently pulled his husband into his arms and held him, hoping that Jared knew that this was something that they were doing together. "I promise you Jay, he isn't gonna touch. Not ever again." He swore, knowing that he would keep that promise for as long as he lived.
Jared laid his head on Jensen's chest and nodded. "I know." He breathed, relieved to feel Jensen's arms around him. Breathing in the scent of his husband, he felt safe and secure and it gave him a little bit more strength.
"Okay then," Jensen stepped back and kissed Jared's forehead and then the two headed off to the courthouse.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared was sitting beside Jensen, his hand clenched tightly in Jensen's as his knee bounced nervously up and down. He felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest and he couldn't take his eyes off of the door where he thought the man of his nightmares was going to walk through. It didn't help that the little boy inside of him was apparently restless this morning. Logically, he knew that his attacker was probably going to be cuffed and that there were police surrounding him and he wasn't here alone but this was even more terrifying than when he'd had to make an identification.
Jensen was whispering to Jared, trying to comfort and reassure him all the while he was trying to not jump out of his own skin. He didn't know how he'd react when he saw this man for the first time and he didn't want to make this worse for Jared. Glancing behind them, Jensen saw that the courtroom was full with other couples and some families. 'How many people has this guy hurt?' Jensen wondered to himself before he returned his attention back to his own husband. "How ya doing baby?" Jensen wondered, placing his free hand on Jared's stomach. Jared had told him that he'd felt the baby move for the first time while he was at dinner with Chad and in the middle of all of this, that was a happy, hopeful event. The knowledge that their little one was doing alright was definitely something to celebrate in Jensen's opinion.
"I'm okay," Jared responded, laying his head on Jensen's shoulder. He was trying to remain strong but with every passing minute, he wasn't sure if he could take the waiting. He was worried about his own safety but even more than that, he was worried about Jensen. How would his husband feel about seeing the man who had attacked him? How would Jensen react? Jared was worried that seeing the man would put ideas in Jensen's head of what had happened that night and he didn't want Jensen to have to go through that.
Jensen nodded though he didn't believe him. Jared was shaking too much for that to be believable. He kissed Jared's temple again and sat back to wait, knowing there really wasn't a whole lot that he could do.
About ten minutes passed before the door on the right-hand side of the courtroom opened and a man dressed in an orange jumpsuit walked out, flanked by two policemen on either side. Jensen heard his husband draw in a ragged breath and it made him sit up straighter. He knew that he would never get to put his hands on that evil son of a bitch but he wanted him to know that he was nobody he wanted to mess with. Jensen swallowed thickly as he took in the man's rough appearance and he felt his jaw tighten and his teeth grind together. This was the man who had broken into his house and attacked his husband and Jensen wanted nothing more than to leap over the tables and rip his throat out. Growling low and hearing people bristle all around him, Jensen wrapped his arm tighter around Jared trying to protect him as much as he could. The one thing he was pleased about was to see that the right hand side of the man's face was bruised and there was a cut above his eye. At least, he was getting some "special" treatment it seemed like.
Jared stared at his attacker, unable to take his eyes off of the man and all he could think of was what if his baby was this bastard's? What if his son had this man's facial features, his eyes and his mouth? Jared honestly did not think that he could handle looking at a physical reminder of his worst nightmare everyday for the rest of his life. The thought of it made him want to puke and he knew that he couldn't delay it any longer but before he could think about it anymore, the judge began the preceding.
"All rise," The judge ordered. "Will the defendant please step forward?"
There were murmurs running through the courtroom as the defendant, Kevin Montgomery, stepped forward with his lawyer at his side.
"Mr. Montgomery, you have pleaded guilty to five counts of rape and one count of attempted rape. Before we sentence you, is there anyone here who wishes to step forward and read a victim impact letter?" The judge asked, looking at the rather large amount of victims and families that were sitting in the benches.
Jensen and Jared watched as one man stood and walked up to the small podium. He looked nervous but Jared had to give him credit for going up there. He didn't think he could do it right now but at the same time, he wanted to be sure that this bastard was punished for what he'd done. At the encouragement of his therapist, he had written a victim impact letter though he hadn't been planing on reading it aloud to anybody ever.
Jensen watched as a man who looked to be about the same age as Jared stood in front of the small podium, staring out at the crowd. His voice shook as he began to read his written letter and Jensen found himself needing to hear what this man felt and thought.
"I never thought I'd be standing here reading a letter that was meant to be heard by somebody who has caused me more pain and more grief than I have ever known," The man paused and seemed to momentarily lock eyes with somebody sitting in the back. "ever thought was possible. That person stole my confidence, my sense of self and safety. That person made me feel like I couldn't trust anybody, including myself and the people I'd been close to for years. That person made me feel like I was worthless and useless except for one purpose and one purpose only. They made me doubt my world and my beliefs. You," he paused again only this time to lock eyes with the defendant, his gaze hard and steely. "You did that. You did that without a single care in the world and I don't know what I did to you to make you think I deserve this. To make you think that I deserved to be held down and raped but you were wrong and I hope you rot in hell you son of a bitch!" There was a palapable sense of anger coming off of the man now and Jensen found himself looking away for the first time since he'd started speaking and instead looking at Jared. Did his husband feel this way? Did Jared view himself and his world the way this man had? With that, the man stepped down from the podium and quickly walked back to his seat with his hands clenched at his side.
"Anybody else?" The judge asked and two more people stood. Another man who had been one of Kevin Montgomery's victims and a lady who was the mother of one of the men that he had murdered. While their statements still rang true, Jensen found that he could not stop thinking about that first man's words. While he knew that Jared was self-conscious and such these days, that letter had been incredibly insightful and he suddenly wanted to get out of the courtroom so that he could talk to his husband and find out what he thought. When no one else stood, the judge continued. "Kevin Montgomery, I hereby sentence you to life in prison in the state penitentiary for rape and murder. The crimes you have committed are not just against these victims and their families but against our society as a whole and I am appalled to call you a fellow human being." With that, Kevin Montgomery was led away and there was an audible sigh of relief from everyone around them.
"Come on, let's get out of here." Jensen encouraged, wanting to leave that room and that building as fast as possible once it was all done and over with.
Jared nodded and held tight to his husband's hand, also wanting to leave as soon as possible. He followed closely behind Jensen as they made their way out to the parking lot, managing to avoid the news cameras that hadn't been there when they'd arrived. "Want to just go home?" Jensen asked, hoping that Jared would say yes. He was taking the day off of work to keep an eye on his husband and just be close to him after having finally put an end to this horrific ordeal.
Jared nodded silently, one hand stuffed in his pocket as his fingers ran around the edges of his own victim impact statement.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared and Jensen had returned home from the courthouse almost two hours ago. They had both been feeling a bit on edge still, especially since it was hard for them to believe that this guy was actually going to spend the rest of his life in jail. Currently, they were laying in bed side by side facing each other. "How's he doing?" Jensen whispered as he gently reached a hand down to lay it on Jared's swelling belly. He had tried to ask his husband how he was doing but Jared had stated that he didn't want to talk about it.
Jared smiled shakily as he removed Jensen's hand from his belly and began to sit up. "He's okay," Jared responded, feeling tears prick his eyes. How did he say this? How did he tell his husband that he didn't want his baby?
"Jay?" Jensen questioned as he sat up. "Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, gently wrapping his arms around Jared's waist as he hoped that the comfort he was trying to provide would be accepted.
"Um," Jared paused, unable to bring himself to form the words that needed to be said. "I just... I..."
"Just what?" Jensen asked softly, wanting to know what it was that he could do to help Jared.
"I'm just kind of down right now, I guess." He lied, his heart feeling heavy with it. As much as he was terrified of having this baby, he was even more scared of what Jensen's reaction would be if he found out.
"It's been a rough day," Jensen agreed before he turned his head to the side and pressed a kiss to Jared's cheek. "But I'm so proud of you Jay and I love you so much and we're going to find a way to get past this, I promise you that." He still hadn't stopped thinking about what that man had said but he wasn't sure how to ask Jared if that was how he felt.
Jared sniffled, nodding a little. "We'll see," He replied, not feeling much better though he knew that Jensen had meant well. "Um, I'm kind of hungry. Do you think you could go make me something?" He asked, wanting to be alone for a few minutes so he could collect himself.
Jensen nodded. "Sure thing babe," Jensen gave Jared's cheek one last kiss and then headed out of the bedroom to make the two of them some lunch.
Jared sat on the bed with his head in his hands, worry and fear weighing him down as he imagined what his little boy might end up looking like. Instead of having Jensen's dirty blonde hair and green eyes and pouty lips, he imagined a baby who had a dark head of hair and steely blue eyes. Unable to stomach the idea, Jared ran to the bathroom and sank to his knees. His attacker was in prison, he was hopefully going to spend the rest of his life there so why couldn't Jared forget it? Why couldn't he close his eyes and not see that bastard's face? He had thought seeing him be sentenced would have given him some piece of mind but that obviously hadn't happened.
When he came walking into the kitchen about twenty minutes later, he saw that Jensen was standing in the backyard with his back to the door and his cell phone pressed to his ear. He didn't mean to eavesdrop on him but he couldn't help it.
"How did the hearing go?" Claire asked from the other end of the line.
Jensen closed his eyes and sighed, relieved that it was over and that he and Jared could finally focus on rebuilding their lives without having to worry about what was going to happen to the case. "It went alright," He responded, remembering his husband's quiet fear and his own seething hatred for the man that had stood in front of them. "He was sentenced to life and he's going to be prosecuted in a few other states for other crimes so..." Jensen explained.
"How did Jay handle it?" She asked with concern in her voice.
"He... he did okay. I mean he was shaking like a leaf but I think this helped him or well, will help him." Jensen was hopeful that having this man locked up for good this time would give Jared a piece of his confidence back.
"I hope so." Claire agreed.
Especially with having another baby on the way, Jared had to be under a ton of stress which was not what he needed and Jensen could only pray that things would start to look up for them again.
Jared stood inside the open doorway, listening to his husband's conversation. It was pretty obvious that he was the topic of conversation but he wasn't sure who Jensen was talking to. He had thought that they had already updated both of their families with the hearing news. He let out a little cough, alerting Jensen to his presence.
Jensen stiffened when he heard the cough, internally cursing and praying that Jared hadn't heard the whole conversation. "Um, hey... I gotta go but I'll call you later." He hung up without waiting for a response and turned around, already feeling guilty for what he'd done.
"Who was that?" Jared asked, feeling strangely uncomfortable.
"Um, Claire..." Jensen admitted, waiting for Jared to put the pieces together. "Jay, I'm sorry baby." He apologized as he watched Jared's face fall.
"When?" Jared asked, his voice rough with emotion.
"Um, a couple months ago. Ty told Brendan that you had been in the hospital and she asked and um..." Jensen shrugged, hating the fact that just when things had started looking up, he'd gone and caused this.
Jared nodded jerkily before he turned around to head back inside the house. He paused before he reached the thresh hold though and turned back around, glaring daggers at Jensen. "You lied to me," The tears in Jared's eyes killed Jensen and he hated himself for being the one to put them there. "You told me that we didn't have to tell anyone if I didn't want to and yet, all this time," Jared drifted off, shaking his head as he finally headed inside. He walked straight to the front door and slammed it behind himself.
"God dammit!" Jensen cursed as he put his head in his hands, the sound of the door slamming shut making him flinch.
~JA/JP-A~
Jared drove down the street, unsure of where he could or should go as tears raced down his cheeks. How could Jensen have done that? His husband was supposed to be his confidant and he couldn't help but to feel pretty betrayed right now. After all, Jensen was always the one telling him that this wasn't anybody else's business so what had given him the right to go ahead and tell people? His shoulders shaking, Jared looked up to find himself in the parking lot of his therapist's office. He sat for a moment, debating about whether or not he should go walk in there and try to get an appointment or if he should just turn around and head home. His phone rang and he wasn't surprised to see Jensen's name on the caller ID. 'I can't go home' he thought to himself. He was beyond furious and extremely hurt and he wasn't ready to go see or talk to Jensen just yet. Not wanting to deal with his husband right now, Jared put his phone in the center console of his car and headed into the office with his fingers crossed.
"Jared?" Dr. Schiffer's assistant asked, surprised to see him in the office today.
"Hey," He responded, feeling unsure of himself now. "I know I don't have an appointment scheduled but I was wondering if she had any time at all to see me?" Jared bit his lip nervously hoping that the answer would be yes.
Seeing the sad and almost desperate look in Jared's eyes, the receptionist sighed sympathetically as she wondered what had happened. "Well, she's in with another client right now but they should be done in a few minutes if you don't mind waiting." She answered.
Jared nodded and headed for one of the empty chairs.
~JA/JP-A~
By now, Jensen had called Jared's phone at least three times, left two messages and texted him once but he still hadn't received any response. It was driving him crazy having Jared ignore him like this, however justified he knew his husband was. He had fucked up, he knew that but he had zero idea of how in the hell he was going to fix it. Thankfully, Tyler was still at school and would be for the next three hours so at least he didn't have to worry about his son but it wasn't that big of a reprieve. Jensen couldn't help but to keep glancing at the front door, almost as if he was trying to will Jared to walk through it.
~JA/JP-A~
"Jared?" Dr. Schiffer called, surprised to see him in the waiting room even though her receptionist had told her that he was there. "What's going on?"
Jared looked pleadingly at his therapist. "I need somebody to talk to," He replied. "And I figured that I could come here."
"Of course, let's go into my office." She motioned for him to follow her and the two walked the short distance to her office. "So, what happened?" She repeated as soon as the door had shut. She thought that this might be the angriest she'd ever seen him and so far, she couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.
Jared sighed before he began pacing the length of the room as he was way too upset to take up his normal seat. "Jensen! He's supposed to be my best friend and my confidant but nope, looks like I was wrong about those two things."
Dr. Schiffer noted that underneath the anger, there was also a good deal of sadness. "And what makes you think that's no longer true?" She asked, making sure there was nothing accusatory about her tone of voice.
"Because he went behind my back and lied to me! He told me that it was all my choice and that if I didn't want to tell people then, I didn't have to because it wasn't any of their fucking business! But the reason I didn't have to say anything to anybody is because he was already out there telling them." He ranted, unable to calm himself down and as such, he could feel the baby kicking up a storm inside him. It only served to make him more irritated.
"How did you find out that he was telling people?" Dr. Schiffer questioned carefully.
"I caught him on the phone... just before I came here. And I thought he was talking to his mom or something because he was discussing the sentencing hearing but nope, he was on the phone with a friend of ours who I didn't know knew about this! What gives him the right to talk about something that happened to me?!" Jared looked at her with tears in his eyes and his hands clenched at his side.
Dr. Schiffer agreed that Jensen didn't have that right, especially if the two of them had agreed to not tell unnecessary people but she also doubted that Jensen had done it out of pure cruelty either. "What makes you the most upset about Jensen telling this friend?" She asked him, wanting to find out if it was the lying that made him upset or if it was the fact that somebody else now knew about his rape.
Jared stopped his pacing and wiped a hand over his face. "I'm... I'm upset because I don't want her to know." Jared answered, knowing deep down that that was only part of the reason why he was so upset right now.
"And why don't you want her to know? Are you afraid of how she'll react?" Dr. Schiffer actually thought that Jared being angry was going to be helpful. So far, he hadn't shown that side really and letting some of that steam out could only be a good thing she felt.
"I don't... I don't want pity and I know that she already does feel bad for me." Jared answered as he finally collapsed to sit on the couch. He chewed on his thumbnail nervously and looked away from his doctor.
"Why is that?" Dr. Schiffer wondered.
"Because... because I had a miscarriage last year and she and her husband were there to kind of help Jensen and I through it." Jared explained, finally revealing the fact that he had at one time suffered a miscarriage.
Dr. Schiffer nodded as she took in another painful part of Jared's life.
"And it, it was really hard to deal with," He continued as his teared up once again. "I mean, I... I lost our baby and I thought I'd been doing everything right, ya know? And I thought I was a good parent to Tyler and losing the baby just kind of felt like a slap in the face. Especially since we'd tried so hard to have a second one." He sniffled and grabbed a tissue from the box on the table. "And... and I'm trying to move on from it but I can't help but to think about how badly I failed." He admitted.
"Why do you think you failed?" She asked, not suprised to hear that Jared blamed himself for the loss of his baby.
Jared looked at his doctor as if she had two heads. The answer was obvious to him. "Because I was the one carrying the baby, it was my job to keep him or her safe and I wasn't able to do that. I... I don't know why but I just... I failed." He shrugged, wiping his eyes again.
"Did the doctors give you a possible explanation?" She knew that was unlikely seeing as how many miscarriages occurred without an explanation.
Jared shook his head no. "I had no trouble getting pregnant with Tyler or carrying him so I don't know what went wrong. And now..." His gaze drifted down to his obviously rounded stomach and he bit his lip, trying to stop himself from crying more.
"How is he?" Dr. Schiffer asked. Jared had only revealed a tiny amount about this pregnancy the last time he'd been in her office.
"He's... he's good but I'm scared." He confessed, feeling himself start to break down again.
"Are you afraid that you'll lose this baby too?" Dr. Schiffer asked though Jared looked like he might be far enough along to not have to worry about that.
"No, I'm... I'm in my second trimester so I'm not so worried about that." He stopped, hesitating and unsure of whether or not he wanted to reveal his true fears about this baby.
"What is it?" She pushed, sensing that Jared was stalling with himself. It was obvious that these were all things that he'd needed to talk about for a while but hadn't been able to.
"I'm... I'm worried that Jen isn't the baby's father." His face crumpled and he buried his head in his hands. "Even just thinking that makes me feel dirty and like a God-damned whore but I know it's true. I'm so scared that I can't enjoy this. I... I want to and I know Jensen is but I'm petrified. What am I going to do if this is my rapist's baby? I... I don't know if I could handle that but I know that Jensen isn't going to let me give him up."
Dr. Schiffer paused before she answered, thinking carefully of where she wanted to go next. "And you haven't brought this up to Jensen?" She clarified.
"Once, the night he found out I was pregnant." Jared replied. "He... he told me that he didn't care and that this baby would only be his. He doesn't get it though. How can I look at this child every day and wonder? What if he looks like him?"
"Oh, Jared," Dr. Schiffer felt for her patient and her heart went out to him, this was most definitely not a fun situation to be in.
"I'm... I'm so afraid he's going to hate me or that he's going to be angry with me. Especially since I lost our last baby and now I'm saying that I don't want this one." He cried and as much as he was sobbing right now, it felt good to finally let all of this out. These were worries that he'd been dealing with on his own for the past several months and it felt good and kind of freeing to finally share them with somebody, to finally let somebody see just how much he was struggling.
"You are aware that as the one who has to carry this baby, it is your choice?" She reminded him. She wasn't necessarily trying to encourage him to do one thing or another but she wanted Jared to realize that whatever happened, he had the ability to control and choose it.
Jared nodded even though he wasn't sure he completely felt that way.
"Do you think you could want this baby?" Dr. Schiffer asked, coming up with a possible solution to Jared's worries. It might help set his mind at ease and she hoped he'd listen to her.
Jared sniffled. "I don't want to have my rapist's baby but my family's so excited that I don't know what to do. I think about adoption every day and I try to act excited when the baby kicks or something but... I just don't know."
"Correct me if I'm wrong here but it seems to me that your main worry is what to do if the baby does belong to Mr. Montgomery, right?" Jared nodded. "And if this baby was Jensen's, would that change how you feel?"
Jared nodded again. "Yes, but then at the same time I think I'd feel guilty for the fact that at one time I didn't want him. I mean, what kind of parent does that make me?" He asked.
"I think it makes you a parent who has a very difficult decision to make." Also, after hearing all of this, Dr. Schiffer thought that maybe Jared was also and possibly more angry at Jensen for wanting this baby so badly than he was about revealing to a friend that he'd been raped. "Have you thought about getting a DNA test done? I'm not telling you what to do here Jared but I think that would answer your question and might help you make your decision, whatever it ends up being."
Jared dried his eyes and thought about it. He hadn't considered a DNA test and while he agreed that it would most definitely answer his question of who the father was, he wasn't sure what he would do with the possible results.
"I also think that you need to really talk to Jensen and let him know how you're feeling, about the baby and what happened earlier." She instructed. "That letter I had you write last week, do you still have it?"
Jared nodded. "I um... I couldn't read it." He said, his eyes looking at the carpet.
"That's okay," She encouraged. "We agreed that you didn't have to but those things you wrote down in it, it might be a good idea to let Jensen be aware of them."
Even though the idea made him feel very vulnerable, he nodded anyhow. "I'll think about it, thank you." He smiled sincerely though his eyes were still wet. "Sorry for crashing your lunch hour."
Dr. Schiffer shook her head. "Don't be sorry, I'm glad we had the chance to talk and I hope you'll think about what we said."
Jared nodded. "I will." He gave her one last little smile and then headed out of the room. He wasn't sure exactly what he was going to do or say when he got back home but at least now, he didn't feel like he was completely by himself. He had options and he realized that now.
Thanks a lot for reading this uber long chapter! I'll try to post one next week :)