I think you've discovered a far better way to get to that edge.
I'm glad, too. I would be missing out, if you hadn't, because our paths would probably never have crossed, virtually or otherwise.
I have never struggled with (or given in to) addiction, so I have never lived what you are talking about. But your words make it more real to me than anything I ever read or heard. Thank you for sharing.
Well, there are all these movies and things about addicts and drunks, but they're just movies. Actually being one is a different story. I mean, people just don't get it. There is no such thing as just a little glass of wine with dinner or any of that. And they don't understand how much we drunks and addicts want the poison every fucking day and how much it is a constant effort not to do it, not because it doesn't sound good and we don't want it, but because doing it would destroy everything.
I'm glad things worked out, but every single day I have a very hard time with myself fighting the battle to keep them worked out. I win every time for my kiddo.
Oh the other thing is that on those few occasions when I'm at some kind of social thing where someone offers me wine or beer or whatever, I've developed a really good skill at saying no but not letting on that I'm saying no because I don't know how to say no once I start drinking.
This fascinated me when I read it early this morning and, on re-reading, it impresses the hell out of me.
What you gave me initially was a sense of empathy for something that I have never experienced and am not in any way disposed to feel - as though the possibility of addiction is in me somewhere and you spoke to it. What I realise now, is how well you've conveyed it, not just with what you say, but the way in which you say it. The structure and rhythm shows me the relentlessness and restlessness and the way it repeats and circles round. You speak of oblivion, but there's no respite in your words.
You have really touched on it. Addiction lives with me every minute of everyday. But it's not just the addiction, it's the desire. I want it. I want to get high. I want to get drunk, but I can't give into it. The one thing that keeps me sober, besides my child, is being able to project myself into the future and see/feel how much like total shit I would feel the next day. But it is really hard. Really hard. And I will live with it for the rest of my life. Not a day goes by when I don't have arguments with myself about how much I want to give in and get blasted. Taking really good care of my physical body helps because it makes me not want to dump poison into it.
You have inspired me to do a little bit of exercise the last couple of days. I have always been very resistant to it even though I have heard it helps with depression (which I suffer from). I too was an addict in my younger days - alcohol, cigarettes, coke, speed. And now food, though, I try to keep that under control as best I can - it is still an addiction waiting to lose myself in it - and the internet! I can sure relate to going over the edge into being wasted and gone - but sadly I always have to come back! So it's better now not to "go".
I admire your dedication to your family and your daughter.
Exercise is so critical to my physical and emotional health. It keeps me sober because when I'm taking good care of my body, I don't want to pollute it with poison. And it keeps me from imploding emotionally. I absolutely have to exercise. It's not even an option not to. It's right up there with eating and sleeping as things I need to do to survive.
I sometimes use food instead. Like today, I ate a cheeseburger after work instead of drinking beer. But I ran for 1.5 hours this morning as recompense.
PS: I'm glad I inspired you to exercise and also thanks for sharing your past addiction with me. It's always good to know that I'm not alone on that front.
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I'm glad, too. I would be missing out, if you hadn't, because our paths would probably never have crossed, virtually or otherwise.
I have never struggled with (or given in to) addiction, so I have never lived what you are talking about. But your words make it more real to me than anything I ever read or heard. Thank you for sharing.
Reply
I'm glad things worked out, but every single day I have a very hard time with myself fighting the battle to keep them worked out. I win every time for my kiddo.
Oh the other thing is that on those few occasions when I'm at some kind of social thing where someone offers me wine or beer or whatever, I've developed a really good skill at saying no but not letting on that I'm saying no because I don't know how to say no once I start drinking.
Reply
What you gave me initially was a sense of empathy for something that I have never experienced and am not in any way disposed to feel - as though the possibility of addiction is in me somewhere and you spoke to it. What I realise now, is how well you've conveyed it, not just with what you say, but the way in which you say it. The structure and rhythm shows me the relentlessness and restlessness and the way it repeats and circles round. You speak of oblivion, but there's no respite in your words.
Reply
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I admire your dedication to your family and your daughter.
Reply
I sometimes use food instead. Like today, I ate a cheeseburger after work instead of drinking beer. But I ran for 1.5 hours this morning as recompense.
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