A Man with a Plan
Sam has a plan. It’s probably a very stupid plan, but it’s a plan, and he thinks it will work.
After Brittany broke up with him, and after Regionals, and Mr. Schue’s wedding, he spent most of that night watching people. He watched Brittany go around to the group, trying to spend as much time as she could, but spending most of her time with Santana and Artie. He watched Mercedes and Kurt together, making each other laugh. And he watched Blaine. Blaine who kept trying to make a connection with Kurt, but who Kurt didn’t really seem to pay attention to. Which Sam thought was weird, because it was just a week ago that Blaine asked him to stay and he went to Blaine’s house, and they’d gone to Breadstix with the lesbian ring lady.
Something was up, Kurt was being weird and Sam is so glad that Blaine ended up not proposing. He’d watch Blaine go through being broken up with, and Sam was able to help him that time, but he doesn’t think Blaine would survive it if his proposal had been turned down. There’s no trophy to rescue this time. Knowing Blaine, he’d just run off to live with his brother in LA, and Sam needs him not to do that.
Sam needs Blaine’s help too right now. He’s always the one who gets dumped. Quinn cheated on him, and Santana used him and dumped him for Karofsky of all people, and Mercedes left him for LA, (which he probably deserves, he left her first) and now Brittany. But he really thought he and Brittany could be something, but she loves Santana more. He’s tired of being left behind and he’s really tired of being sad about it, and he knows Blaine understands.
The other thing Sam knows is that Kurt is full of it, and he loves Blaine just as much as Blaine loves him. But he’s scared of doing anything about it, so Sam is going to do something drastic.
The Blonde Chameleon is going undercover.
As Blaine Anderson’s boyfriend.
First he needs to text Tina, because she’ll totally blow his cover.
To: Asian Persuasion 7:50pm
Tina, I’m about to do something on facebook and I need you to NOT SAY ANYTHING. Just like the status, but don’t make it weird. I’ll explain later.
To: Sam 7:51pm
What are you about to do?
To: Asian Persuasion 7:53pm
I’m going undercover. When does Blaine usually check his facebook?
To: Sam 7:54pm
Blaine doesn’t check his facebook before bed, he usually turns off his computer an hour before he goes to bed and reads a book. Are you hacking his facebook to send a message to Kurt? Because his password is super hard to figure out. It’s not his birthday, Kurt’s birthday or any combination of the two.
To Asian Persuasion 7:56pm
It’s way creepy that you know any of that. Like super creepy, I thought you were over being creepy.
To; Sam 7:58
I’ve had many sleepovers with him, first of all, and second of all, I just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t trying to contact Kurt when Kurt didn’t want to talk to him, okay. Because when Mike and I broke up, I sent him more than one message that I immediately wanted to unsend. I was saving Blaine the trouble.
To: Asian Persuasion 8:00pm
Sure you did. Fine, if you want to know the plan, I’ll tell you, but I swear Tina if you tell any of the old glee club, I’ll tell Blaine that you tried to hack his Facebook and that you saved one of his sweaty towels after we did the calendar.
To: Sam 8:02pm
Fine. What’s your plan, maybe I’ll help.
To: Asian Persuasion 8:03pm
I’m going to change my relationship status to In a Relationship with Blaine, so that when Kurt sees it, he’ll get jealous, and maybe he’ll get his head out of his ass and stop ignoring Blaine like he did last night.
Tina didn’t reply to that text, and Sam figured she either hulked out and broke her phone or she called Blaine to blab, he was just about to start texting Blaine himself when his phone lit up with Tina’s name.
“Sam, Kurt knows you’re straight.”
“Hello to you too, Tina,” Sam replied, “For your information, Kurt thought I was gay when I first transferred because I died my hair. I’ll just tell him that I’d been struggling with bisexuality ever since I started stripping and my relationship with Blaine moved me to the point where I couldn’t hide anymore and I’ll tell him that I would appreciate his support at this time. I totally spent an hour researching celebrity coming out speeches.”
“He did? He never told me that? Mercedes didn’t tell me either, I can’t believe they held out on me?” Sam can tell Tina’s pouting, he’s got intuition like that.
“Well, you tend to blab everything, so I’m not exactly surprised.”
“What about current Glee club members, don’t you think they’ll say something?”
“No, they all know Blaine wants to do me, it’s not like he’s good at hiding it or anything. Did you see him during Guilty Pleasures week? He wants to take a bite of the white chocolate. He dedicated a song to me.”
“Oh my God, if you mention one more time that he wants to ‘do you’, I’m hanging up. And he said the song was about Kurt.”
Sam rolls his eyes, “Don’t be jealous, I’m sure he’d want to do you if you had the right equipment. Blaine’s a terrible liar. Maybe Marley believed him, but Kitty totally didn’t, and if anyone questions it, she’ll tell them about how much he checks me out. Which he does. Because he wants up on this.”
“Are you sure you’d not getting too much pleasure out of this, I’m starting to think you want to do him too. Fine, whatever, I won’t tell anyone, I’ll even text Artie and tell him to keep his mouth shut. But Blaine will check his facebook in the morning, and you better be prepared to feel the wrath. You’ll have to deal not only with a pissed off Blaine, but quite possibly a pissed off Kurt.”
“Blaine will be thanking me. And so will Kurt. Eventually. It’s not like he’ll come all the way from New York to kick my ass.”
“Sure. And if Kurt doesn’t see it tonight?”
Sam stops, he hadn’t quite thought of that. He wonders if he’ll have to pretend to be Blaine’s boyfriend at school for awhile. They’ll probably have to hold hands in the hallway. It hasn’t been very long, but Sam already misses holding hands with someone. He wonders if he can go undercover enough to kiss Blaine if it comes down to it. It’s not too much of a sacrifice, his lips look soft. If he can strip, he can totally kiss his best friend, because he’ll be undercover. And then they can stage a fake breakup in the choir room, he’s done that enough, he can do that in his sleep.
“Well, I’ll just have to dedicate myself to a life undercover, at least for awhile. Like hold hands at school and stuff.”
Tina sighs, frustrated, “I actually hate you. Bye.”
When Tina hangs up, Sam opens his Facebook app.
****************************
Blaine’s alarm goes off at 10:00 am sharp, like it does on most Saturdays. He doesn’t have much planned for the day, so he plans to just lie in bed and watch some TV for awhile.
He grabs his phone and turns it on, before reaching into the drawer in his bedside table to grab his remote control. As he flips through the channels, he feels his phone vibrating rapidly. When he picks it up, he sees that he has 37 text messages from various members of Glee club and three missed calls from Kurt.
Just as Blaine starts to go through his text messages, his phone vibrates again, with a call from Kurt. After the night before, he hadn’t expected to hear from him, so he’s a bit apprehensive with he answers.
“Kurt?”
“Blaine, you might want to check your facebook. And then you might want to explain to me what the hell is going on.”
“Excuse me? What are you talking about?” Blaine’s really confused now, he only had one glass of champagne after the wedding, and he’s pretty sure he wasn’t drunk, so he really has not clue what is happening.
Blaine leans over to grab his laptop and turns it on. When it’s finally powered up, he checks his facebook and sees that he has 105 notifications. He clicks the first one and actually drops his phone when he sees it.
Sam Evans is asking to change add you to his relationship status.
Blaine clicks over to Sam’s profile and the first thing he sees is:
Sam Evans is in a Relationship with Blaine Anderson.
Sam is so dead.