23.1
Look Both Ways
Chapter 23: Ten Years Ago
Part 1: Less of a Dream, More of a Memory
“All right, Hikaru, you tell me the truth right now.”
Hikaru almost choked from the abrupt accusation. “What?” he asked, blinking back at Daiki’s sister. They had been patiently waiting for her husband Hide to finish talking to someone who could be trusted to bring Hikaru’s intoxicated friends home when the bride had suddenly decided to round up on him.
“Dai-chan isn’t exactly good at lying, you know,” she said, pushing her face up to his, and Hikaru realized just how uncannily alike she and her brother looked that he had to remind himself that this wasn’t just Daiki with makeup. “That’s why he’s learned to tell variations of the truth. So tell me. Konako doesn’t know yet, does she?”
Hikaru’s cheeks were burning. But at that point, he really had no reason to cover it up anymore. Not to her anyway. “… She doesn’t,” he admitted.
“I knew it!” Yui yelled, her eyes shining triumphantly. “So what’s stopping you from telling her then?”
Hikaru had said this so many times that it was starting to feel common place. “It’s complicated…”
Yui stared at him like she was desperately trying not to roll her eyes. “Oh Hika,” she sighed. “It’s rarely as complicated as you make it out to be. She’s already seen you perform, hasn’t she? Isn’t this the best time to open up that conversation?”
Hikaru was well aware that this would have been the best time for that conversation. The only problem was that he chickened out when the opportunity presented itself - an opportunity Konako had presented herself, - all because he didn’t want to ruin the kiss they just shared.
A thought crossed Hikaru’s mind then. “Yui, Hide had a lot of secrets of his own, right?” She and Hide had both mentioned it in their wedding vows. It must have been a huge deal in their relationship.
She nodded warily.
“Back when he didn’t tell you…” Hikaru began. “What did you do?”
“Oh, I waited,” she said. “But mind you, that was hard. At some point, I became aware that he was keeping something big from me but I didn’t want to pry. It just didn’t seem like my place to.”
“…Was it hard, waiting?”
“It was. I often wondered if he ever trusted me enough.”
Hikaru reeled back from the hurt in Yui’s voice. Was that how Konako felt? It didn’t appear as if Konako knew, but he knew that she knew that he was hiding something. Hadn’t she said so back at the hotel when he had met her sister? "I get this irrepressible feeling that you're hiding something from me and I don't know why," she had said. Was it possible she figured it out? She had been acting strange today. Apart from being jumpy whenever he so much as approached her without prior notice, she was unnaturally pensive. He caught her lost in thought way too many times today. But if she figured it out from their performance, she didn’t let him know.
Unless she did catch on. And that the reason she was being so supportive about their routine was her way of telling him that it was okay.
“If I may add,” Hide suddenly interjected. Hikaru and Yui jumped. They never realized he had finished his call and had been listening. “If I could have changed anything, I would have told her earlier.” - Yui smiled at him gratefully - “If she truly loves you, she’ll accept you, whatever it is, you know?”
Hikaru thought about Konako beaming up at him, her eyes brimming with something he could only attribute to pride. He remembered about how flustered she was when they started dancing and how she looked so frustrated when she asked him, “Doesn’t this all seem familiar to you?”
Maybe she was finally starting to remember. But then again, Hikaru didn’t want to hope. It hurt him to imagine her not remembering. He couldn’t go through that pain again.
“I just don’t want her to know about this without knowing the whole thing,” he finally said, relinquishing.
“And what is the whole thing?” Yui gently prompted.
“That she was the reason I finally decided to be an idol in the first place…”
Yui and Hide looked at each other. “Oh?”
“I met her once, years ago, when I was torn with going through that decision,” Hikaru explained. “She told me I should go for it. But…” he sighed. “But when I met her again, she didn’t even remember.”
Hide looked thoughtful. “Maybe you’re looking at this the wrong way. Maybe she does remember you. Just not about it being you.”
Hikaru wasn’t following. “I’m sorry?”
“I mean, maybe she just needs a little reminding that it’s you.”
It was as if a flickering lightbulb had finally turned on inside Hikaru’s head, casting a bright beam across the fog of his consciousness. Hikaru’s eyes widened with amazement. Of course, he thought. Konako had said the dance was familiar. She must have remembered that boy all along. She just didn’t realize it was me! He grabbed Hide’s shoulders and screamed, “Hide, you’re a genius!”
Hide immediately blushed. “It’s nothing. I just wanted to help after putting you in that position. I know what it’s like to keep something secret.”
Yui gasped. “Wait. You forced them to sing?!”
Hide cringed.
Hikaru took the opportunity to come between them. “It’s all right!” he said. “She loved it! And the thing is, even though it was completely out of the blue, it was the perfect opportunity. That was the song I had written for her!”
“Aw Hikaru, that was beautiful!” Yui exclaimed, sighing. “Though I have to admit -“
“Not another word about the rap!”
“What are you talking about?! I was going to say it’s terrible my husband ambushed you guys like that!”
Hikaru faltered. He was so prepared to hear another critique about the rap that it startled him to learn that Yui wasn’t actually talking about it. “Ah no, actually, it was Dai-chan who told us that Hide needed us to -“
Yui flared at her husband then. “YOU ABUSED MY BROTHER’S GOOD NATURE? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIEND’S BAND?”
“Something happened and they couldn’t come!” Hide yelped. “It would have thrown the whole reception out of order if someone couldn’t come to take their place and the video team wouldn’t have had enough time to make that lovely compilation -”
“SHOULDN’T THEY JUST HAVE DONE THAT FASTER THEN?! WHY BOTHER DRAGGING THESE BOYS INTO THIS MESS? IT’S THEIR DAY OFF, YOU KNOW!”
Hikaru was pleased to note that Yui would have taken their side but almost felt sorry for Hide then. He could still vividly recall staying over Daiki’s house when he had to endure the screaming matches Daiki and Yui would have in place of regular conversations. Yui might have outgrown that and adopted a quieter demeanor as of late but she couldn’t deny that part of her forever: the loudness was embedded in her blood.
Hide cleared his throat, turning to Hikaru awkwardly. “Well, anyway, I’d just like to say that the van is ready. You can tell the others to come here and we can take them back home one by one.”
Hikaru nodded gratefully. “I’m really sorry about this. I never expected Yabu of all people to go overboard with the drinks.”
But Hide held a hand up, shaking his head. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Really, it’s the least we can do for all your trouble.”
Hikaru felt elated. Konako had basically already given him her blessing regarding being part of an idol group. And she thought dancing with him felt familiar! Which meant the memory wasn’t lost. He just needed the opportunity to coax it out of her somehow.
He ran back towards the group, riding on the wave of this new realization. He was just about to greet them when he distinctly heard Yamada say, “I mean, how long is he going to take, right?”
“Well, I’m sorry I took too long!” he snapped.
------
Hide cleared his throat. “Do you think that kid - Hikaru? That was his name, right?”
“What about him?” Yui asked.
“Do you think he will be fine?”
Yui wondered about that as she stared out the window of the car. She thought about how happy Konako was, staring up into Hikaru’s eyes when she agreed that he did look cool in their performance. Then she thought about how relaxed Hikaru was around Konako and how he gazed at her with the same passion and intensity that Hide often had with her. Mostly, she thought about the internal monologue Hikaru seemed to be struggling with earlier and how it all washed away as soon as Hide pointed out the possibility that Konako hadn’t completely forgotten the memory of their first encounter at all. And she smiled. The delight on his face had been so pure that Yui was certain that that was the first time in a long while that Hikaru had allowed himself to hope that things were going to work out after all.
“You know what? I think he will,” she finally answered, smiling as she stared off into the night.
------
“Will we see each other tomorrow?” Konako asked when Hikaru had dropped her home.
As much as he wanted to say yes, he shook his head. His schedule was packed. “No, unfortunately, I can’t. Can I call you though?”
“Of course!”
Hikaru grinned. He caught her chin with his thumb, pulling her closer while simultaneously leaning over to kiss her lips again.
He never thought he would enjoy the taste of strawberry so much.
“So what do you think?” he whispered as he pulled back, laying his forehead against hers. “Do you think that this too will take some getting used to?”
He could feel her shaking her head side to side against his. “Nah, I think I can get used to this easily,” she whispered, tilting her head up, mouth parted.
Hikaru laughed, nudging his lips onto hers more.
Yes, he could definitely get used to this.
------
“You think we need to help Hikaru?” Chinen asked as they huddled in the van Yui had kindly provided them.
Kei started laughing. “Have you seen that guy? Of course he needs help!”
“I concur,” Yamada said. “The dork’s probably so lost right now.”
“Yeah, I know he did that whole skit with the dolphins but that was barely a plan. If we leave it up to him, it might take him forever,” Yabu said.
“What do you think we can even do at this point though?” Keito wondered.
Yuto shrugged. “Maybe it’s time for another matchmaking scheme?”
“But they’re already together,” Ryutaro pointed out.
“Something similar then?” Daiki asked from the passenger seat. “Something that can get them to talk about their shared experience?”
Takaki rolled his head over to Yabu then. “About that, I think I’ve got the perfect thing.” He thrusted his phone into the latter’s face.
“You know,” Yabu muttered, rubbing his chin, as his eyes darted across the screen. “That might actually work.”
-----
That night, after sending Konako home, Hikaru had a dream.
Except it was less of a dream and more of a memory.
The world was a swirl of orange and yellow amidst a black backdrop. Hikaru was walking alone, wide eyed, in the midst of a crowd. Maneuvering expertly around tiled streets and stalls, it was almost like dancing. And yet he felt awkward for some reason. He reached forward as he moved and as he did, he realized that his hand seemed so much shorter. Moreover, the scar that he had received when a bass string broke and snapped onto his index finger back when he was probably seventeen was gone too.
Strange… he thought, trying to figure out this strange sensation, but he didn’t seem to have any autonomy over this body. It almost like he was a backseat passenger staring out into the windshield of his own eyes while someone else inelegantly drove this body, a car that was smaller than what he was used to. It was only when his eyes met his own reflection from across one of the stalls selling masks that he finally realized why.
He was younger.
About twelve, by the look of it.
Hikaru continued to gawk at himself inwardly, wondering what the heck happened, as this twelve-year-old body turned, as if checking to see if his reflection resembled anything presentable, when someone - a young girl - crashed into him, sending him to stumbling back.
“I’m sorry!” the girl gasped. And in the brief of moments when their eyes met, Hikaru recognized that tear-streaked face.
Hikaru could recognize that face anywhere.
“Hey!” he called, but the girl had already brushed past him. “Wait a sec!” he shouted, running after her while trying to dodge the current of people that were pushing against him.
Thankfully, he didn’t have to run far. He soon found the mysterious girl crouched on the ground at the back of one of the stalls, clutching her legs to her chest, crying. His twelve-year-old body moved closer tentatively, wondering if it was safe to approach. He rested a concerned hand on her shoulder, causing her to look up. “Hey, uh, sorry for bothering you. I was just wondering. Are you okay?”
She sniffled, rubbing the back of her sleeves against her eyes. “Well, I wouldn’t be crying if things were okay…” she murmured, though not unkindly. She said it like she was just awkwardly stating the facts.
Hikaru couldn’t help but laugh then, not even the least bit embarrassed. “Of course. You’re right.” He handed her a handkerchief to wipe her face which she took hesitantly but gratefully. “Soooo what happened? Anything I can help you with?”
“I kinda got lost,” she confessed, softly, speaking more into his handkerchief than to him.
He smiled. “Lost, you say? Ah I see! Not to worry! I can show you around!” Hikaru said brightly in a concentrated effort to make this crying girl forget her sadness. “Do you need help finding anyone?”
“That would actually be nice, thanks…” she said, the tiniest of smiles gracing her lovely face. Which was encouraging. Hikaru thrived on smiles.
“Great! Let’s do that after you calm down then.” He reached into his backpack, the blue one that he realized he had never actually seen in years, and grabbed a bottle of water. “I bought that just recently, by the way. It’s still cold. And you don’t have to worry about me spreading any germs to you either. I haven’t drank that yet.”
“Ah, it’s okay, I don’t really mind,” she said, laughing, as she tried and failed to get the bottle open.
“Oh my bad! Let me get that for you.” Hikaru grabbed the bottle back from her.
She looked embarrassed. “I’m not usually this weak.”
“It’s fine,” Hikaru assured her. As he did, he squeezed the bottle a little too hard so by the time he managed to pop the cap off, half of its contents flew to his face. “Crap! That’s cold!” he cried, dropping the bottle accidentally.
The girl shrieked and started laughing. She quickly picked up the fallen bottle and what remained of its contents. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just peachy!” Hikaru replied as he blinked back against the water. Hikaru’s older faculties caught himself then, surprised, though less about the circumstances that had unfolded but more on the statement he had just uttered. Did he really used to say that before?
“Here,” the girl said, handing him back his handkerchief. “I feel like you need this more.”
“Thanks,” he responded meekly. “Sorry about that, by the way. I hope you got to salvage something to drink.”
She nodded. “I did! I’m just glad my camera didn’t get wet.”
“Oh crap, you’re right!” He only realized just then that she had a camera hanging around her neck. “Good thing, huh?” His dad would probably kill him if he had to pay for his clumsiness.
“I’m Yaotome Hikaru, by the way,” he said, reaching his left hand out.
The girl offered her right, only to realize that Hikaru had given his left, so she tried to remedy that by giving her right. At that point, Hikaru had realized he had gone and forgotten that most people weren’t lefthanded like he was so he retracted that and gave his right. They laughed at their confusion.
“Sorry, old habit,” Hikaru said, finally grabbing the girl’s right hand with his right. “Lefty here.”
“It’s all right, you know, I could have adjusted,” she replied, giggling.
“No, I’m a minority so really, I should be the one adjusting.”
“Hmm… I wonder if that’s fair,” she said thoughtfully.
He laughed. “Really, I don’t mind. I would care to know your name though.”
She looked up at him then, smiling a smile that Hikaru would have recognized anywhere. “I’m Konako. Fujisaki Konako. Pleasure to meet you, Yaotome-san!”