[Fic] FF7: Fairy Tales, As Told By Zack and Reno
Man, I fail so hard with physical sciences. :\ Kay guys, am slashing the power cord for this last week. Will flail and gibber on you all with frothing love after the 5th! ♥
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Title: Fairy Tales, As Told By Zack and Reno
Series/Characters: [Final Fantasy VII] Zack, Reno (Cloud Cameo)
Disclaimer: I deny all allegations to ever tipping Square Enix's cash cow.
Word Count: 694
Notes: Added another 100 or so words. Not that there's any noticeable difference, I don't think. Prompted by lady_androgene with something along the lines of Zack and Reno BFFery. And the alias of "Arthur Cumsalot." Also, Jenny Blair? Is an actual pornstar name. Yeah, that's right. It rhymes with Guinevere AND I Googled it myself. >D
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Fairy Tales, As Told By Zack and Reno
by kasugai gummie
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Friday nights were Tavern Bar Story Nights. Just as Wednesdays were Karaoke Nights, and Mondays were Bring Your Girlfriend to Mud Fight Nights, Fridays were traditionally hailed as the weekly opportunity to get into pissing contests of the intellectual kind.
And, amongst the sleaziest, rowdiest establishments in the lower Midgar sectors, a two-man comedy routine combo reigned supreme.
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Reno grimaced and peered into the bottom of his beer glass. Stupid newbie number three looked just as stupidly confused as stupid newbies one and two, he concluded when the ignorant ass tried to correct him. Again.
“But I thought it was supposed to be ‘Camelot?’”
“Nope,” the Turk interrupted in his most authoritative manner (i.e. the one where he speaks like Tseng and sneers like Rufus). “It’s definitely Sir Arthur Cumsalot. Seriously, what rock have you guys been living under?”
The Three Musketeers remained unconvinced despite the Respect his Authority demanded and Reno was about to despair for the sake of their literary futures until his spiky-haired sidekick finally waltzed through the front door.
“Hey Zack!” Reno hollered at the newly arrived Soldier. “What the hell man? You’re thirty minutes late! Get your ass over here already!”
Zack waved back airily and picked his way through the thickening crowd to join Reno-though not without somehow gaining a tray of Purple Nurples on his way over. By the time he reached the small crowd, half the glasses on his tray were already empty.
“What’s up?” Zack said from around his X-th glass.
Reno sniffed loudly. “We got ourselves some hicks tonight. Said they’d never heard the story of Sir Arthur-”
“Cumsalot?” Zack sat down, nonchalant. “But that’s a classic! An epic!” He peered suspiciously at the three bewildered newcomers in question. “What the hell is wrong with you guys?” he asked up front, his entire demeanor colored with honest-to-god curiosity. “Seriously, the only people who haven’t heard the story of Sir Arthur Cumsalot and the Holy Mako Reactors are people living under rocks and Sephiroth-”
“And that one hermit dude in Wutai.”
“And maybe that one hermit dude in Wutai,” Zack amended grudgingly. “But he’s a hermit and Seph is Seph.” Zack drained his glass and slammed it down on the table, causing the already impressive collection of glass to jump. “So what’re your excuses?”
The one Reno had labeled as “stupid newbie two” scratched his head. “We’re from out-of-town?” he ventured, flushing a bit.
“You poor uneducated bastards,” Reno said, shaking his head pityingly. Raising his voice, he called out to the rest of the bar. “Yo, dickheads! Looks like tonight’s event is gonna be all about Arthur Cumsalot and Jenny Blair!”
Zack chortled, downed another one of his girly date-rape drinks, whooped, then slammed that one down too. A drunken cheer buoyed him as he climbed on top of the table.
“So, once upon a time there was this dude with this huuuuuge prick. And when I say huge I mean COLOSSAL.”
“Bigger than Rufus’s head!”
“Bigger than Seph’s sword!”
An oddly awed hush fell over those in their immediate vicinity at the carelessly offhand mention of the General’s glorified pig-sticker. Reno took the opportunity during the awkward silence that followed Zack’s comparison to look impressively hurt. “... dude, have you been hiding something from me?”
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Two hours later, the epic tale of Sir Cumsalot was still going hard.
Reno careened into Number One before giggling uncontrollably. “And then he said-he said-duuude Zack, isn’t that whatsisname, Cl-Col-Cumulonimbus?”
Zack smacked him (or tried to, at least) as a result. “-you whore, that’s not what he said! He said, ‘oh god Grandma, what a Big John you have!’” The Soldier First Class slurred with a Pope’s righteous piety, even going so far as to pantomime the literal climax of the scene before he finally tilted his head thirty-degrees to the left to catch sight of Cloud’s slack-jawed face in the audience. “And then he did this and, and-heeeey, Spike! Spike, come over here! Wanna play the part of Jenny Blair? You know it’s the best part! We don’t even have to tell Seph about it!”
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Fin
Completed: July 24, 2008
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With that done, here goes the final week... what this entails is, if any of you catch me lurking around miserably and more importantly, not cramming, be sure to hit me until I go away. NO MERCY. Thank you. OTL
___________________________________________________________
Title: Fairy Tales, As Told By Zack and Reno
Series/Characters: [Final Fantasy VII] Zack, Reno (Cloud Cameo)
Disclaimer: I deny all allegations to ever tipping Square Enix's cash cow.
Word Count: 694
Notes: Added another 100 or so words. Not that there's any noticeable difference, I don't think. Prompted by lady_androgene with something along the lines of Zack and Reno BFFery. And the alias of "Arthur Cumsalot." Also, Jenny Blair? Is an actual pornstar name. Yeah, that's right. It rhymes with Guinevere AND I Googled it myself. >D
___________________________________________________________
Fairy Tales, As Told By Zack and Reno
by kasugai gummie
___________________________________________________________
Friday nights were Tavern Bar Story Nights. Just as Wednesdays were Karaoke Nights, and Mondays were Bring Your Girlfriend to Mud Fight Nights, Fridays were traditionally hailed as the weekly opportunity to get into pissing contests of the intellectual kind.
And, amongst the sleaziest, rowdiest establishments in the lower Midgar sectors, a two-man comedy routine combo reigned supreme.
___________________________________________________________
Reno grimaced and peered into the bottom of his beer glass. Stupid newbie number three looked just as stupidly confused as stupid newbies one and two, he concluded when the ignorant ass tried to correct him. Again.
“But I thought it was supposed to be ‘Camelot?’”
“Nope,” the Turk interrupted in his most authoritative manner (i.e. the one where he speaks like Tseng and sneers like Rufus). “It’s definitely Sir Arthur Cumsalot. Seriously, what rock have you guys been living under?”
The Three Musketeers remained unconvinced despite the Respect his Authority demanded and Reno was about to despair for the sake of their literary futures until his spiky-haired sidekick finally waltzed through the front door.
“Hey Zack!” Reno hollered at the newly arrived Soldier. “What the hell man? You’re thirty minutes late! Get your ass over here already!”
Zack waved back airily and picked his way through the thickening crowd to join Reno-though not without somehow gaining a tray of Purple Nurples on his way over. By the time he reached the small crowd, half the glasses on his tray were already empty.
“What’s up?” Zack said from around his X-th glass.
Reno sniffed loudly. “We got ourselves some hicks tonight. Said they’d never heard the story of Sir Arthur-”
“Cumsalot?” Zack sat down, nonchalant. “But that’s a classic! An epic!” He peered suspiciously at the three bewildered newcomers in question. “What the hell is wrong with you guys?” he asked up front, his entire demeanor colored with honest-to-god curiosity. “Seriously, the only people who haven’t heard the story of Sir Arthur Cumsalot and the Holy Mako Reactors are people living under rocks and Sephiroth-”
“And that one hermit dude in Wutai.”
“And maybe that one hermit dude in Wutai,” Zack amended grudgingly. “But he’s a hermit and Seph is Seph.” Zack drained his glass and slammed it down on the table, causing the already impressive collection of glass to jump. “So what’re your excuses?”
The one Reno had labeled as “stupid newbie two” scratched his head. “We’re from out-of-town?” he ventured, flushing a bit.
“You poor uneducated bastards,” Reno said, shaking his head pityingly. Raising his voice, he called out to the rest of the bar. “Yo, dickheads! Looks like tonight’s event is gonna be all about Arthur Cumsalot and Jenny Blair!”
Zack chortled, downed another one of his girly date-rape drinks, whooped, then slammed that one down too. A drunken cheer buoyed him as he climbed on top of the table.
“So, once upon a time there was this dude with this huuuuuge prick. And when I say huge I mean COLOSSAL.”
“Bigger than Rufus’s head!”
“Bigger than Seph’s sword!”
An oddly awed hush fell over those in their immediate vicinity at the carelessly offhand mention of the General’s glorified pig-sticker. Reno took the opportunity during the awkward silence that followed Zack’s comparison to look impressively hurt. “... dude, have you been hiding something from me?”
___________________________________________________________
Two hours later, the epic tale of Sir Cumsalot was still going hard.
Reno careened into Number One before giggling uncontrollably. “And then he said-he said-duuude Zack, isn’t that whatsisname, Cl-Col-Cumulonimbus?”
Zack smacked him (or tried to, at least) as a result. “-you whore, that’s not what he said! He said, ‘oh god Grandma, what a Big John you have!’” The Soldier First Class slurred with a Pope’s righteous piety, even going so far as to pantomime the literal climax of the scene before he finally tilted his head thirty-degrees to the left to catch sight of Cloud’s slack-jawed face in the audience. “And then he did this and, and-heeeey, Spike! Spike, come over here! Wanna play the part of Jenny Blair? You know it’s the best part! We don’t even have to tell Seph about it!”
___________________________________________________________
Fin
Completed: July 24, 2008
___________________________________________________________
With that done, here goes the final week... what this entails is, if any of you catch me lurking around miserably and more importantly, not cramming, be sure to hit me until I go away. NO MERCY. Thank you. OTL