NaNoWriMo - Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfic - Chapter 11

[kashiwrites]

(See Chapter 10)

He didn’t even have to knock; the two guards at the front of the yard waved him past, and as he took the porch steps in one leap, he saw Fuery standing in the doorway, waiting for him. All the lights in the house appeared to be on.

“What’s happened?” Maes demanded breathlessly. Even though he’d driven here, he’d been unable to get

Comments

[mithluin]

Intense...that is the only word for this story. Maes wants so much to help Roy ~ if only he could! I'm a bit worried about Ed being away.

[kashiwrites]

Yes, as I was mentioning in response to other comments, I think part of the intensity is from Maes's own helplessness. He's kind of scraped the bottom of the barrel when it comes to having ways to "fix" anything, yet Roy keeps getting worse and worse. Maes is at his wits' end, and feels (consciously or unconsciously?) like Roy is slipping through his fingers somehow. So he's getting pretty desperate to grab him and keep hold.

[eranith]

Almost sounds like Roy's undergoing withdrawal. He set the fires in a drugged state! Or he's just missing his alkymahol. I dunno yet.

Hmm. Although Maes' comforting Roy is very touching, it strikes me as a lot more femenine than guys usually are. Of course, these guys are best, best, best friends, and maes is a really affectionate guy, but you still have to take into consideration where boundaries are laid differently for the other gender. I think you've overstepped it just a little bit.

Very good delerium-talk from Roy. A lot of the time writers underestimate how often people stutter - you hardly ever read stuttering, unless the writer is trying to prove a point - but I think you've shown Roy's fracture train of thought very well.

[kashiwrites]

I had to be really careful about the stuttering. There had to be some in there, but it had to be tempered.

I've read several books on writing techniques and composition, and they're pretty much unanimous that when a writer tries to capture exactly the way a stutterer would speak, or else, say, someone's actual accent, it's very hard for readers to read. It's like snags catching the reader's eyes so the eyes don't flow across the text, but have to stumble through it with a lot of work

[eranith]

Maybe it's an Aussie thing, then. We tend to keep a lot of things buttoned up, so things may be a bit more restrained here, emotionally, than they are for you. I do agree that Maes would be the more secure about hugging another guy, though, that's for sure :P