Toy Soldiers: Adding Gall To Wormwood (PG)
Summary: The continuance of deep grief, as expressed in a series of emails, December 1994.
Notes: Fifth and final birthday snippet, for irisbleufic and prompt 71, "broken". The title is from a Latin proverb: "Grieving for misfortune is adding gall to wormwood." And just in case: all spoiler warnings in effect.
ADDING GALL TO WORMWOOD
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/02/1994 20:08
Subject: A private question
So how do you know when you're in love?
P
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 00:13
Subject: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
you're asking *me*?
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 09:36
Subject: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
Who else am I going to ask? My mom? Yeah, right: she keeps saying how nice Jen is, and how she enjoyed meeting her at Thanksgiving. My dad just says to ask my mom. And I'm not gonna ask my *sisters*.
I like Jen. I like her a lot. But she's starting to drop hints about wanting something *more*, like this is a women's magazine or something. And I don't know what to do. So yeah, I'm asking you.
P
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:23
Subject: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
>Who else am I going to ask?
how would i know? snuffy, maybe. or one of your friends there.
>And I don't know what to do.
no clue. sorry.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:41
Subject: Re: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
For fuck's sake, Billy, you're the only one of us from high school who managed a relationship that lasted longer than a month.
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 14:03
Subject: Re: (4) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
yeah, because we're all fucked in the head. especially me. Or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy another guy' speech?
plus that was *in* high school. half the guys in my frat got dumped their first year of college. one guy had even followed her here.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 15:47
Subject: Re: (5) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
>or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy
>another guy' speech?
Snuffy's even more fucked in the head than you are.
I don't know how long it would've lasted. Maybe you would've broken up. Maybe you would've stuck together. I'm not gonna second-guess the dead, Billy. That's not the point. The point is that you and Joey clicked so fast that nobody even bothered asking since when you were gay. You *knew*. I'm asking *how* you knew.
And stop being an idiot and go see a shrink, will you? Snuffy won't stop being an asshole, but he'll at least stop being an asshole about that.
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 22:26
Subject: Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
what the fuck was snuffy telling you? i *am* seeing a shrink, thanks, mom. snuff just thinks I should be 'processing your grief and moving on,' and since i'm not, he says i should *change* shrinks.
>I'm asking *how* you knew.
knew what? i knew i was bi before i came to regis. don't know about j: it didn't come up. he never freaked out, so he must've known before we met, too.
we knew. that's all. we just knew.
fuck you for asking anyway.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/04/1994 00:02
Subject: READ THIS (was Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question))
I'd say I'm sorry if I thought you'd listen. But you won't.
Fuck it. I *am* sorry.
I miss him, too, you know. Which is screwed up for a guy I only knew for two years, but like you said a little earlier, we're all fucked in the head after what happened.
(Still don't know what I'm doing with Jen. But I just realized I never told her about Regis. Guess that says something, too.)
Take care of yourself, Billy. I don't wanna get another phone call like the last one, but for fuck's sake, call if you gotta.
...shit.
P
-end-
Notes: Fifth and final birthday snippet, for irisbleufic and prompt 71, "broken". The title is from a Latin proverb: "Grieving for misfortune is adding gall to wormwood." And just in case: all spoiler warnings in effect.
ADDING GALL TO WORMWOOD
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/02/1994 20:08
Subject: A private question
So how do you know when you're in love?
P
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 00:13
Subject: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
you're asking *me*?
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 09:36
Subject: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
Who else am I going to ask? My mom? Yeah, right: she keeps saying how nice Jen is, and how she enjoyed meeting her at Thanksgiving. My dad just says to ask my mom. And I'm not gonna ask my *sisters*.
I like Jen. I like her a lot. But she's starting to drop hints about wanting something *more*, like this is a women's magazine or something. And I don't know what to do. So yeah, I'm asking you.
P
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:23
Subject: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
>Who else am I going to ask?
how would i know? snuffy, maybe. or one of your friends there.
>And I don't know what to do.
no clue. sorry.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:41
Subject: Re: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
For fuck's sake, Billy, you're the only one of us from high school who managed a relationship that lasted longer than a month.
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 14:03
Subject: Re: (4) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
yeah, because we're all fucked in the head. especially me. Or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy another guy' speech?
plus that was *in* high school. half the guys in my frat got dumped their first year of college. one guy had even followed her here.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 15:47
Subject: Re: (5) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
>or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy
>another guy' speech?
Snuffy's even more fucked in the head than you are.
I don't know how long it would've lasted. Maybe you would've broken up. Maybe you would've stuck together. I'm not gonna second-guess the dead, Billy. That's not the point. The point is that you and Joey clicked so fast that nobody even bothered asking since when you were gay. You *knew*. I'm asking *how* you knew.
And stop being an idiot and go see a shrink, will you? Snuffy won't stop being an asshole, but he'll at least stop being an asshole about that.
*
From: wtepper@harvard.edu
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
Sent: 12/03/1994 22:26
Subject: Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)
what the fuck was snuffy telling you? i *am* seeing a shrink, thanks, mom. snuff just thinks I should be 'processing your grief and moving on,' and since i'm not, he says i should *change* shrinks.
>I'm asking *how* you knew.
knew what? i knew i was bi before i came to regis. don't know about j: it didn't come up. he never freaked out, so he must've known before we met, too.
we knew. that's all. we just knew.
fuck you for asking anyway.
*
From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu
To: wtepper@harvard.edu
Sent: 12/04/1994 00:02
Subject: READ THIS (was Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question))
I'd say I'm sorry if I thought you'd listen. But you won't.
Fuck it. I *am* sorry.
I miss him, too, you know. Which is screwed up for a guy I only knew for two years, but like you said a little earlier, we're all fucked in the head after what happened.
(Still don't know what I'm doing with Jen. But I just realized I never told her about Regis. Guess that says something, too.)
Take care of yourself, Billy. I don't wanna get another phone call like the last one, but for fuck's sake, call if you gotta.
...shit.
P
-end-