[private] a letter to be opened upon death or departure
Alcuin,
Amour, if you are reading this, then I am dead or gone. I cannot decide whether I think the former or the latter would be easier for you, so I do not know which to hope for. I suppose it depends on what has come of our relationship and of yours with Rupert and others. I hope...I am certain that you and I will have managed to remain friends at least, no matter what else comes, and I can say that of no one else on the island, so it is to you that this letter must go.
My heart will permit no less now, even as I write it. Since as I write it, I am, as I have been for some time now, quite utterly in love with you. I can't imagine that I will not have told you by the time you receive this, as I mean to do it as soon as I can find the appropriate moment. If I have not, somehow, then know this:
From the moment we met, I knew you to be one of the most extraordinary men I would ever have the privilege to know. It has long been that I have counted you singular in that regard. Did you feel yourself inclined toward monogamy, I would've asked long ago if you would share that with me, but I know you do not, and this troubles me not at all - anymore, of course, since it did once, as you know. You have made me happy and taught me, in your quiet way, to be a man among men rather than among ideas, and I shall have spent whatever was left of my time here after penning this note, trying to increase your store of happiness.
Whatever has happened to me, I know you will want to blame it on your blasphemy, but there has been none, love. You have been always faithful to your precepts. It is simply...evolution. What is born must die, and on this island, we appear and disappear much as babes entering and leaving the world, motherless and adrift. When I was adrift, you found me. I hope...
I hope, Alcuin, that I shall outlast you so that you shan't have to feel the pain of being left again. But if you must endure it, then I hope Rupert will be there for you. If not him, then perhaps you can find some solace with Jack or Daniel for a time. Of them, I suppose it is time now for me to speak to the disposition of my things...but before I do...
Should I chance to still be involved with Rupert when this happens, please tell him for me that I have cherished our time together. That his companionship and our relationship has been a pleasure most acute and that did I imagine him a man for whom such a letter might have meaning, I might have written one for him. But most everything I wish to say to him is said in the discourse of minds and bodies, what heart has to do with it is spoken without words, and I can't imagine that he would thank me for an ineloquent effort to characterize our relationship in pen and ink.
Ours, yours and mine, is the simpler. I love you. Without preamble or coda, shading or qualification.
There, it is said, and now I shall tell you:
The remaining half of Ayla's bowl should go to Daniel, when I am gone. The books I have accumulated go first to you, Alcuin, with the remainder, whatever you choose to part with, to be split between Rupert and Daniel. My book, if it is yet unfinished, and my journal are yours until Coraline turns sixteen. If anything remains of my spices they should be divided between Jack for the island's use and Neil for the Winchester, save that the cardamom is Abby's for reasons that will only matter to her, and the rest of the chai spices and tea go to Ianto. Anything else of mine is yours to keep or dispose as you see fit.
I am sorry, mon amour, to charge you with this sad duty not knowing the state of our relationship, or even what there will be to find. Yet you are the only person I am certain I shall know and love for the remainder of your time on this island at least.
That is all, and in the end, it is also everything. I have cared for you from the first and I shall care for you to the last. Love always as thou wilt, and know that I have done the same in giving my heart to you.
Yours ever,
Mohinder
PS - Should Alcuin chance to be no longer here when this letter is found, please, whomever finds it, honor my requests as you are able and seek the counsel of Jack Harkness, Daniel Jackson, Coraline Jones, Ianto Jones, Abby Sciuto or Rupert Giles in the disposition of my things.